Just Another Day

I'm only really making this entry because I haven't made one in a while...

See, I need to make a decision. Do I update this blog even when absolutely nothing interesting is going on, or do I wait to make updates when things are crazy? With me, it doesn't usually take long for crazy things to happen. But there are slumps.

I guess it'd be easier to know the answer if more of you would comment on my entries!!! (hint-hint)!

Anyway, I am in a slump right now. Things are pretty calm. Paul is still with Stupidslut, and I'm still unemployed. My goal right now is to secure some financial aid so that I can take at least a few classes come January, but the clock is ticking and I have a feeling I'll be sitting out yet another semester.

It sucks not working. I keep getting these leads on these jobs, and they just fizzle out. If I don't have something that pays decent by December 1st, I've decided that I will start stripping.

Oh, I should update you all on that! I did meet with the manager at the club, and a.) he was creepy and b.) he was sort of mean and intimidating. Basically he told me that if I won't commit myself to four shifts a week, he doesn't need me there. That's why I balked, and haven't called him back yet. Four shifts a week may not sound like much, but like... I sort of told myself that if I started doing it, it would only be a once in a while sort of thing. You know? Star had pretty much told me I could get that sort of agreement, that I could promise as little as one shift a week... but she was wrong. The manager was clear he wanted more. That's why I gave myself the Dec 1 deadline to find something else though... I have to make a decision sometime.

Why wouldn't I do it? I could make some good money. Or at least, some decent money. I just... I guess I'm just so embarrassed about it. You know, "embarrassed" isn't the right word! The right word is... depressed. Or maybe that's the wrong word, too. I think I'm just worried that if I start doing it full-time, that it will consume my life or something.

I hung out with Chris, Leo, and Star Friday night. She wasn't working so we all went to a club. God I'd forgotten how much I love to dance! Of course, I had no money, so I had to rely on a.) Leo and b.) strangers for drinks and stuff like that. It was a fun time, but you know what the kicker was? Leo left with someone else. I got a ride home from Star and Chris. I'm pretty sure at this point that Leo is either a.) tired of waiting for me to officially become his girlfriend; b.) pissed that I haven't fucked him in a while and that I rarely answer his calls, or c.) just bored with me. Whatever.

Things could be worse; they often are! As my therapist used to say, Live and Let Be. I never really understood what that meant but I'm sure it's inspirational.

I miss therapy, by the way! Only six weeks without it and I feel like... I've lost a good friend, or more, you know? Sigh!

I should go. I'm busy working on TTT12 and... more. Stay tuned! :)

-shannon-

Some Things

My cousin visited me this weekend. What a weird experience. She's only 12-years-old, and the only reason she stayed with me is because my cheap-ass uncle wouldn't pay for a seperate hotel room for her.

Let me explain. For some reason my dad's sister, my aunt, married this total loser named "Todd". After several years of trying to conceive, and only after recieving the help of some doctors, she got pregnant with "Stephanie", my cousin. I love my aunt. Her husband? Well, I'm not a big fan. He's a jerk. Plus, he's really cheap, even though he makes decent money-- they live in a pretty nice suburban area, and he has a lucrative job-- yet he's never given me more than $10 for my birthday. Nor has he given Steph the things a girl like her could really use, like-- nevermind. He's just cheap as hell. Pisses me off.

If any of you know me at all, you know this: I don't really like my family. My father, my cousins, my grandparents-- they can all go to Hell as far as I'm concerned. But my Aunt, "Liz"? I actually like her a bit. Only a bit, mind you. Still, she's the one person in my family I'm not ashamed to have as part of my genetic heritage. Why she would marry an asshole like Todd is totally beyound me.

So, yeah. Apparently airline tickets are cheap right now, at least to my neck of the woods. Sso Uncle Todd brought his family on vacation here. Nevermind that it was in the middle of a school year... whatever. He brought his family to my town under the pretense of wanting to see me. The truth was that he wanted me to take his daughter in so that he could, well... shudder. I don't even really want to think about what he and my aunt did.

He got a couple free nights alone with my aunt on this supposed vacation. God... but what could I say, anyway?

It was totally last minute, but I had to take her in. Paul was cool with it, as I knew he'd be. And like... god. Nevermind. Let's just say that it sucked.

Stephanie is a really cool girl. We did have a lot of fun together the two days she stayed with me. But like, I sort of resented her (and still do, unfair as that is) for being Todd's offspring. No, that's not right. I didn't resent her for that.

I resented her because she but the latest tool used against me by an uncaring family. After all she did totally distrupt my weekend. I had to take care of her all the time. It was fun, in the end, but it wasn't my choice you know?!?

Her parents picked her up on Sunday evening. I don't know where they're going now.

Why the fuck do I feel guilty right now? Why the hell do I feel sad? God!

-shannon-

All Is Not Lost

...well, all is lost when it comes to politics in this country, but I was talking about something different. By the way, if any of you are wondering why I haven't written much about Black Tuesday, please know it's because I'm still in a deep state of denial!

Not much has happened during the past week. Well, except for the awful events of Tuesday and my introduction to stripping on Monday, that is! Wednesday was spent in a pretty bitter funk; Thursday was mostly a daze. Today I hung out with Leo, Star, and Frank. Star didn't work tonight because, well... she didn't feel like it (one perk, I guess, to her chosen profession). She keeps pestering me about whether or not I want to do it again. I have to meet with the "boss" before I can officially become a "contractor" there, but I've been dragging my feet setting up an appointment with him. I may give him a call tomorrow-- the thing is, I would like to have this as an option, you know? At the same time, I don't want to have to do it all the time. Star told me that she's expected to work four shifts a week (she usually works five or six), but that I may be able to get the boss to let me work only one or two. So we'll see.

I've been working a lot on TTT. I'm done with Chapter 11; Chapter 12 is at like... 65%; and I've begun chapter 13.

Okay, that's all. I'm sorry this post was boring!

-shannon-

Fuck Damn Shit

It's not over yet, but it doesn't look good! If Bush wins re-election... I just don't know what to do.

-shannon-

Amateur Night

I just got home about twenty minutes ago (it's 2:10am right now) from the stripclub. Guess what? I was there from 7pm... and I was working.

It wasn't really an amateur night. In fact, I was the only "amateur" there. I guess I sort of had a false impression about what it would be like-- I thought there'd be lots of nervous first-timers like me, unsure of what to do and all that. In fact, the only other "amateurs" were girls who'd never stripped at *this* particular club before.

Let me start from the beginning. Star picked me up at six, and we went over to her place (which was absent, thankfully, of both Frank, Leo, and her son) to get ready. I drank a couple of beers while she went over-- for the hundreth time-- the "rules" of stripping for me. I've never seen her so excited, by the way. It's almost as if this born-again Christian stripper woman was elated that I was actually going to do this. Show my naked body for money. I don't know... I was nervous as hell, and she was as giddy as a child on Christmas Day!

When we got to the club (at 7) we went through the front doors and, for the first time, I was brought into the back room. It's nothing like the back room I describe in TTT, btw. In TTT, the "dressing room" is just that-- a huge room with tons of clothes and makeup tables and such. In real life, at this club, the "back room" was rather small, it held a few lockers, and all the girls there brought their own locks for them. I didn't have one but I shared one with Star.

We got dressed quickly, she in a longsleaved halter-top, me in a sports-bra and matching black thong. After messing with our hair for a few minutes in front of the mirror, I took a deep breath followed her out into the bar. Where people could see me.

It was slow at first, and all I did was walk around feeling dumb and uncomfortable (damn shoes, damn thong!). Star, meanwhile, was dancing four-song sets on stage for the few men there watching her. Basically I just did what Star had told me-- I flirted with some guys, and tried to get them to buy me drinks. I got exactly three men to do so, totalling four drinks by 9pm.* At this point all I could think was this: I could do the same thing in regular clothes and less god-awful shoes (which, btw, hurt like fuck after the first hour, especially in my calves).

*One "rule" Star had told me about is that you should always ask them to buy you expensive drinks. Now, I'm a beer girl. I love beer. But even at $5.75 a bottle, beer is cheap at a stipclub, apparently! So I had to order drinks like Jager-bombs, and such... liquor. Shudder. I did it, but only because it would make "the bar" happy, as Star had explained...

At exactly 9pm, my stage-name was called by the DJ, and I was supposed to dance on the center stage.

If I hadn't had those drinks, I don't know if I'd have been brave enough to do it. But Star came over, and it was all like "Go go go!" and suddenly, there I was, a White Snake song booming throughout the bar.

Thank God for the lessons Star had given me on how to dance. It took awhile, but by the end of the first song I was actually getting tips! Only a two dollars, but still!

The second song started, then, which meant I had to undress. I seriously have so much respect for strippers, now. You guys, you have no idea how hard it was, to undress on this elevated stage while all these guys stared at me, expecting me to gyrate my body while balancing on these stupid shoes and take off my top in a sexy manner, all at the same time. I had to maintain my balance in those god-awful stillettos, plus I had to look happy and sexy and such. God.

By the fourth song, I didn't even care about tips anymore. I just wanted it to end. I was so tired, so out of energy. My dancing paled in comparison to the only other girl dancing at the same time (a really fit 30-something black woman who was another supposed amateur but later confessed to me that she'd been doing this for four years or so). I tried to get into it, but she knew how to use the poles and stuff, and I really didn't. I stayed away from the poles, out of her way. I felt dumb.

When the fourth song finally ended, I found Star sitting with a guy I assumed she knew well (turns out she'd just met him; she is so good at pretending to be a guy's best friend!!!). She was so excited for me, and after congratulating me on my first "set", she took me aside to ask me one important question:

"Who stared at you the most when you were up there?"

I glanced around, and then nodded my head over toward this orange-haired weirdo sitting by himself at a small table. His eyes had been glued to me the whole time I'd been up there, plus he'd come over and given me a $1 tip.

"Go see if he wants a dance, then!" she urged me.

Instead of listening to her, I went to the bathroom. I washed up a bit, mulled about, smoked a cigarette in there.

*BTW, here's one thing I learned that I need to change/add to TTT! There are lots of drugs at stripclubs, guys, shared among the dancers. In the 15 minutes I was in that bathroom alone I saw two girls come in, pop pills, and leave, and another two come in and swap pills. Pills seem to be the drug of choice! Crazy... You will see this in TTT, I promise...

Anyway. When I got back into the bar, Star was gone. I knew she was probably upstairs, giving someone a private dance. When I saw that the orange-haired guy was still staring at me, I finally relented and went over to him.

After talking for about ten minutes, and after he'd bought me a drink (a beer-- I'd had it!), I finally asked if he wanted to have a private dance.

He did.

Okay, guess what? It wasn't bad. Maybe I sound like I'm trying to rationalize all of this, but seriously? I had fun! I really did. Of course, knowing that I was getting $15 for every "dance" I gave the guy didn't hurt... but even if it'd been for free? Sure, he was sort of gross... but like... grinding away on top of him, while he just sat there? My thong-covered pussy against his denim-covered hard-on? It was almost like masturbating... like when I grind away at a dildo at home. I nearly came from it.

After four songs (I think he came during the fourth one, btw), he paid me and left. I had to give the cash to the doorman to the upper room (which is where the private dances took place), and then I was back on the floor.

$60 for about 12 minutes of work. Not bad!!!

That thought got me energized. When I was called up on stage again, I was more flirtatious with the tippers than ever (hoping they'd want a dance later). By 11pm I'd given six more dances, and had stopped accepting drinks from guys (I was pretty drunk).

So, I danced on stage, flirted with the guys when I was offstage, and was actually having fun. Star and I were onstage at the same time only once, but we had a lot of fun while there-- she egged on the crowd during the first song, and then she undressed me during the second. I did the same for her, and I got more tips during that set than I had during any other!

At 1am, though, she grabbed me from the bar (where I was flirting with a large middle-aged man who had just arrived) and brought me to the backroom.

It was time to go. We changed back into our regular clothes, and then I followed her to the DJ. Apparently he's the son of the owner, and he's in charge of all the cash. I signed a form and was handed $195, cash (for 13 private dances) . With tips I'd received from dancing on stage, that totaled out to $253 for the night!

The shitty thing is that right after he gave me the money, he told me I owed the club $65 for dancing there that night (like I said at the beginning-- this wasn't really an "amateur night", apparently). Also, I had to "tip" the house (bouncers, bartenders, DJ) 13% of what was left. So I ended up walking away with about $165.

$165 for six hours of "work", though? That's like, $27 an hour! Plus, I got it cash!

I have money right now. Can you believe it?

Star made out better. She ended up with $295, cash, on the night. Can you believe it?

Once she dropped me off, I came over here to the computer to type this entry. And I am so, so sore right now. From my feet to my shoulders, I'm so sore. I feel as if I've been run through the wringer-- especailly, my legs. But I'm also incredibly horny. God, I wish I could just download all my thoughts to the website! Because having just re-read this entry, I know you can't understand.

I'm going to read some sex stories now. I want to masturbate-- my legs feel like rubber, but my clit is on fire, and it's all I can do not to touch it. Once I hit the "publish post" button, though, I bet I will.

All in all, tonight was good. It was fun. I know have some cash, thank God! My one big worry is this, though: how do I explain to Paul why I suddenly have money, if I buy myself some things? Like, for instance, I plan on going to the store tomorrow to buy the West Wing Season 3 on DVD. I rarely watch that show, but I love it... I have seasons 1 & 2 already on DVD.

Anyway.... maybe it's just the liquor talking (I'm not that drunk, though!) but I really think this stripping thing? Good stuff.

I need to masturbate now. I love giving private dances, just to make myself perfectly clear.

-shannon-