31 March 2003

Okay, so I guess it's obvious that I don't update my diary much. Sorry! I know a lot of you are curious about what goes on in my little, pathetic, perverted life, so I'll try to post entries more regularly. I'll try, but no promises...

Anyway, so what's been going on? Well, let me bring you up to speed. First of all, I haven't seen or talked to Max since the days following that party and everything (see last entry). He e-mailed me one day but I didn't reply. It just feels awkward... plus, I fucking hate him I've decided! He used me for sex and then, when I wanted sex, he wouldn't do it, which all led to the whole perverted night of me sucking off two strangers. Argh... I still can't believe I did that.

I don't do that sort of thing! Anymore, at least... there was a more "wild" time in my life, pre-college mostly, when I did lots of fucked up things like that. But since college, I've basically been in monogamous relationships. Sure, I've done the one-nighters, but nothing really degenerate. And I know that to a lot of you, sucking off two strange guys doesn't seem all that "crazy" or whatever, but for me it was. It really got my mind going nuts for a while... my work, school, and social lives all suffered.

My doctor increased the dosage of my meds about two weeks ago since I've been so loopy. I mean, I've been having way too many lows (days spent, entire days, just sleeping; not eating at all; crying spells; etc) and my highs have been more out of control, too (although only when I'm drinking). It's really affected my schoolwork... I fell so far behind in one class I ended up dropping it, even though I won't get the money back. I had to because I was failing!

And work has sucked sucked sucked recently. Okay, if you recall I work at a retail store. I hate it, but it's perfect for my situation: it pays pretty good, it's close to where I live, and the hours are generally fair. And although it's a lame ass place and I hate dealing with customers, the worst thing about working there is the head manager (or "GM"). His name is "James". He's this old guy (like, early 40's) who takes his job waaaay too seriously...

And here's the thing about James. Like most of the girls at my work, I quickly realized when I started there that in order to get the better shifts and to make my life easier, I would have to endure James' constant sexual harassment. Nothing ever too big, but he likes to flirt (in a very blatant way); occasionally he'll slap my ass; he'll brush up against me; make very suggestive comments. No big deal, really... creepy, but no real biggie. I mean, all the girls put up with it to some extent, and besides it's not like he's the first boss (or teacher) I've had who's done things like that.

But, okay. And this is why for the last couple weeks, things have been really bad at work. I found out from my co-worker (who happens to be one of the managers, but he's actually only a few years older than me and we hang out from time to time) that everyone at the store thinks that I'm James' favorite. Like, they all think that I get this awesome, preferential treatment. And yeah, I do get really good shifts... and I won this "suggestive sales" contest last month (0, woo-hoo!!!). But I've been there like, over a year and it wasn't always like this!

So, this manager (I'll call him "Luke") asks me if I've ever done anything with James. I was like, "HELL no!!!" and Luke laughs. But I get really paranoid and ask Luke if everyone thinks I've fucked him or something, and Luke says that yeah, a few people do, he "figured". I learned all this about two weeks ago and it really, really pissed me off and made me extremely paranoid at work...

And I started getting really fucking creeped out whenever James was around. I started avoiding him, that sort of thing... Then he makes a typical comment to me a day or so later: "Shannon, I need help breaking down the boxes... you do like going down, right?" (something like that). Well, this time instead of laughing and winking or whatever like normal, I say, "That's sick!" and get all pissy.

He was really embarrassed. I didn't realize how much until I got my new schedule... shifts all weekend, night shifts, and less hours. When I saw the schedule I like, totally broke down. I went into the ladies' room and cried... I know, it seems weird that I'd cry over that, but you gotta understand how fucked up I've been feeling lately!

So I went and saw James the next day. I asked him why he gave me the schedule like that, and he said I was "due" for a bad one, he had to be fair, blah blah blah. I was really upset and sort of mad but I just nodded, "Yes, sir!", etc. So I put up with the schedule, the shitty schedule, the shitty night shifts, the crappy jobs. When Luke managed things were okay, but if James was there I always got the crappy assignments (for example, I hate stocking... everyone does... but whenever James was there, I was pulled from the registers and told to "stock and sort"... argh!!!).

Sigh. Here's where it gets bad. Last night, on the night-shift (our store is open until midnight), my closing duty was stacking boxes in the back (again, a shitty job I don't normally have to do). Well, I was alone in the back warehouse, struggling with one of these really heavy boxes, when I see James come out of his office, presumably heading toward the front of the store. I yell over to him, in a really sweet/pathetic voice, that I needed help.

He seemed sort of annoyed, but he came over and helped me stack three of the boxes. When he was done, he asked me if I needed anything else. And I don't why I suddenly did this, I really don't, well I do... sigh. I know why... even though it's so stupid and childish and petty, I really hate the bad schedules. I liked being the "favorite" and getting all the good shifts and everything. I mean, it was sort of awkward after Luke told me what people thought, but I'd rather have that awkwardness than all this shit!!!

So. Yeah. This is what happened. His pants were all dusty from the boxes. So I said, "Whoa! You can't go out there like that!" and started brushing away the dust with my hands. In surprise he said, "Thanks!" while I continued. Now, in case you haven't gathered as much, James is the type of guy who wouldn't get embarrassed or nervous about a girl half his age brushing away at his thighs the way I was doing... in fact, he seemed to relax as I did it, except to look around like someone might come back.

After a moment, while I kept talking (I talk fast when I'm nervous... I was very nervous), I started to brush away imaginary dust from his crotch. I'll admit: this sort of excited me...at the time. Especially when I felt him grow hard... well, my brushing motion turned into a slow, rubbing one really quick, and I said to him, "Is that for me?" with a sly grin, sort of joking...

He was grinning back. "Sure is," he said.

In my mind, I had no idea what would happen next. I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to "like" me again, right? But frankly, the last thing I want is to actually do something with him! Thankfully, as I tried to decide whether I should offer something more, we heard the big warehouse doors swing open and I jumped away. It was one of girls on cashier duty and she was yelling for him.

With a wink and nod he said to me, "Thanks, Shannon!" then called out to the girl and went out to the main floor. I took a quick cigarette break at this point then finished my closing duties. I didn't see James again until we were all gathered at the front of the store and he set the alarm. On the way out though, he walked next to me and said something like, "See you on Wednesday night, Shannon!"

That's the next time I work, the day after tomorrow. Night shift again... sigh. I don't know, you know? Was it worth "grabbing" him like that? Will he make things easier for me now? Probably. But is he going to want more? Or will he be satisfied just going back to how things were? That's my hope... that he'll just start the usual flirting, touching, etc again. If he does I'll play along like before, and I'll be so relieved to do so! And FUCK what everyone at the store thinks! I don't care about them and their gossip anymore.

But if he decides to get his pants "dusty" again? I really can't say for sure what I may do. I really don't know! Sigh...

So, basically, that's where I stand right now. I have the next two days off of work. School is getting better... I haven't gotten any since Max all those weeks ago... Oh, yeah, I do have a date this weekend, though. A guy in one of my classes asked me out last week... it should be fun. I don't know.

Well, that's all for now. I'll post more as more happens!

12 March 2003

For better or for worse, I've finally decided to post an entry into my diary. Why? Well, it's mostly because I'm so fucking drunk right now and so fucking depressed. Normally I would post to my LJ but this can't be posted there... you'll see why.

Does anyone remember that post I made back on February 11th (on the main page) where I said that I got laid? With the really really gorgeous guy? Sigh.... my heart is fluttering... Okay! Even though at the time I hardly knew him, and I didn't really like him much (he seemed stupid sorta), we began to hang out occasionally soon after just because I felt, well, he was at least pretty! We even went out on Valentine's Day as "friends"... and we really were! I don't think I would have minded if he'd tried something, but he didn't and we had fun just getting drunk and listening to CCR until the wee-hours at his place... a lot of fun!

(btw, I'm going to call him "Max" on here...!)

A scary walk home, though... TIP: Guys, if you ever have a girl over and get her drunk, whether you fuck her or not, either let her spend the night or walk her home. Oh, or call a cab or something. I had to walk... it was dark. And scary. Remember, Max is a hot and sweet guy... but not really bright! :P

So, well, Max and I hung out a bunch after that, usually with my other friends... but see, he's older (25) and goes to bars a lot, so that was a problem a lot. I couldn't hang out with his friends... But anyway, slowly but surely I began to really care about this guy. Why do I do that to myself?!?

Dammit... why do I feel this way? I hate this so much. Why can't I be like one of you guys, fuck a pretty member of the opposite sex then throw them away?? Huh?? I wanted to do that so much this time... toss him away instead of the other way around. INSTEAD, I get all mushy about him. Arrr!!!

Okay, so on this past Sunday I made a pass at him at a party at my friend Holly's house. I knew I liked him by now, but hadn't wanted to do "anything" again until we were like... closer? But I was drunk and decided I didn't care. So I began to kiss him (we were basically alone, smoking a cigarette) when to my total surprise he shot me down! He was nice about it... he said, "We've become friends" or something.

I felt like I was dead.

I hate getting rejected. Not to be immodest, but it rarely happens... I mean, sure, I'll get cheated on or whatever, but rejection to my advances?!? Rare, so rare... and to a guy I'd already had sex with?!? I felt so awful.

So what did I do? Did I respect his decision and brag about what a great guy he was, so noble and honorable, so nice and sweet, such a good friend? Did I think, "Wow, Max! Such a good guy... he couldn't have bent me over in my drunken state, but he stopped me from even kissing him instead!" Did I do or think any of those things?

Oh, no no! Of course not! Because that, you see, is what I should have done. Instead I ended up doing something I hadn't done since before college.

I gave two separate complete strangers blowjobs in the same night.

I didn't even use my usual "I'm horny but aren't slutty" technique I'm so famous for (where I make a guy work hard to get me, even when I want it bad). I just gave in... the second guy, and this is awful, the second guy I even just skipped all the preliminaries and just fucking did it. I probably would have fucked them (or at least the first one) if not for the fact I'd started my period the day before (I get REALLY horny during it, but am incredibly self-conscious about it... I won't even allow petting).

So anyway, that was awful. But oh yes, it gets worse! Turns out EVERYONE knew I was doing it. Even Holly knew, apparently. I guess I was so drunk I didn't realize that, after each blowjob when I rejoined the party, everyone was sort of laughing about me. Well, okay, probably not everyone (there were a lot of ppl there) but enough of them knew me, and had seen me go upstairs each time.... Plus, I doubt the guys kept their "conquest" a huge secret.

...and of course, fucking Max found out. He made fun of me the next day in a light-hearted way, but now things seem totally different. I fucked everything up! Damn me. Dammit!