17 April 2003

So what's been up with my life since the last time I wrote in here? A lot. A lot of crap and some good stuff... let me explain!

First of all, my date with Tim. It went really well! We went to dinner then he brought me to the beach, which was pretty far (about 40-minute drive) but the weather was nice and he's really into marine biology so he goes to the beach a lot. He also likes to surf it turns out-- he wants me to go to California this summer sometime (he goes there a lot, apparently). Anyway, it was a nice night... we made out a little when we got back from the beach but nothing big. I wasn't feeling very good that night anyway, so it worked out...

We've hung out five times since then, including my birthday (that's right, I'm 21 now! yaaaay!). It was really cool-- I invited him to the bar my friends were bringing me to, and he showed up! He doesn't really know my friends so that was pretty nice of him. I got really, really drunk that night and Tim drove me back to his place after the bar closed. And, of course, we had sex! It was pretty cool. I think I made a fool of myself though... I was really drunk during it and I might have behaved pretty slutty. I can't be sure. I apologized to him the next day for being so drunk, but he said I wasn't that bad. Who knows??

So, yeah, we're like "together" now, I guess. We've done it a few times since that night (including last night, actually) and it's pretty cool. Sort of boring, though, to tell you the truth. He's one of those "missionary only" type guys, I think, and he's not very exciting in bed at all. But he's so much fun to hang out with, AND the build-up to the actual sex is always great! So I'm happy about that... I think.

Truthfully, I don't think I should be in a relationship right now. I'm fucked up in the head... here's an example:

Work. Alright, now that has been a strange rollercoaster. Here's what happened. Luke, that manager I'm sort of friends with (in a coworker sort of way) quit just before my birthday. He quit because he didn't get the raise he was supposed to... after he found out that everyone else got their raises. So, he just walked out. He didn't even say goodbye! But anyway, that night I was working with James of course. And, as usual, he was being perverted an flirtatious and all (though since I last wrote he hadn't done anything else). And what does he do? He offers me Luke's job!

I've never wanted to be a manager or anything, but suddenly it seemed like such a great chance! More money, and all the perks (bonuses, store keys, etc.). So I agree to being management training (which, thank God, isn't done by James... it's done by the regional manager). I don't begin actually managing until the end of May, but that works out since school will be out and I can work the required schedule (come fall I'll have to back to being a regular employee, if I'm even still there).

SO... the next time I worked with James after my birthday, about halfway through the shift he asks if I want to go have a drink to "celebrate". How could I say no? He got me the manager job, plus my excuse from before (that I wasn't 21) no longer applied. So I say, "Sure!" and immediately regret it, but what can I do??

After closing he drove me to this little jazz-club place nearby. It was really strange hanging out with him outside of work... sort of like seeing your teacher at a party, you know? But he was actually behaving himself. We had a normal conversation at first as we drank. He was buying, and kept ordering me refills, and soon I was a little drunk. I didn't want to get hammered, but when I drink I tend to keep drinking until the drinks run out...but in this case, they didn't! He kept ordering me more and more.

I wasn't nearly as trashed as I was on my birthday, but by the time the club closed and we had to leave I was pretty wasted. When I get drunk I get all giggly and stupid, and James had to help me back to his car because I kept almost falling over!

On the ride to my place I kept thanking him for the promotion and for the drinks, and I kept getting into these long-winded stories about how crazy school was and how thankful I was that my job was able to work around it and everything. I think I may have given him the wrong idea a couple of times, too, because when he made a couple remarks about me being so "nice" I'd like, wink and joke about how "naughty" I was, too. I was being really stupid. Really drunk. And he was fucking SOBER.... sigh.

And duh, you can all predict what happened. When we got back to my place he turned off his car engine and started "chatting" with me. When he put his hand on my thigh I just closed my eyes and sighed. When he began rubbing me through my jeans, all I did was smile. And when I heard his pants unzip, I reached over and pulled out his thing.

And then I went down on him.

When he was done (it didn't take long) he said he wanted to "finish" me off, too, but the realization of what I'd just done suddenly came over me and I just wanted to escape. I pretended to cum as he fingered me some more so that he was satisfied. Then, well... I just said goodnight, he said the same, and I stumbled into my house and went to sleep.

The next time I worked with him wasn't for another week since I had to train at another store with the regional manager. When I did, though, James didn't pretend that nothing had happened, like I'd hoped. Instead, he's become even more physical with me: whenever we're alone at the store, he grabs my ass or rubs up against me. But he hasn't asked me out again, for drinks or otherwise. But I think he will.

And Tim!!! Of course, he knows nothing about what happened with James. The only person in real life who does is my friend Laura. And she thinks I should tell the regional manager I'm being sexually harassed. But what will happen? Nothing good! Will they fire James? Doubtfully, though he'd deserve it. Sigh. I feel so bad that I cheated on Tim, but then again, although we'd had sex we weren't exactly a "couple" yet when that happened. But the night after blowing James, Tim and I did it for the second time. That was awkward for me. I don't usually cheat on boyfriends, especially ones that I like! Arrgghh....

So now what? I don't know. I don't work with James again until Saturday, so that's good... I don't know. It was just a blowjob, though. That's not too bad. James is old and sort of nasty looking, not to mention an asshole, but he's been good to me. What's the big deal, I guess?

I cannot wait for the semester to be over! Less stress in my life may lead to me feeling more "normal". I haven't been feeling normal lately. Poor me, I know, I know... well, that's all for now. I'll post another entry soon and focus on the other things that have been going on (a lot has been going on besides just Tim and work, you know!). Okay, bye now!

3 April 2003

I don't have much time right now, but I really wanted to post a new diary entry because a couple big things happened in the last three days... so here it is, though it's going to be short (sorry!).

Okay, first of all: my date for this Friday. On Tuesday after classes I took a nap, then went out in the evening with one of my good friends, "Laura". We decided to go up to this coffee place we know to study, because both of us are getting slammed on Monday with tests (argh!!). Anyway, at around 10pm when the place was shutting down, in walks "Tim", the guy I'm supposed to go on a date this Friday with. Well, he grabbed a coffee and the three of us went outside and just chilled (it was REALLY nice out!) for a while before Laura had to go home. Then Tim asked if I wanted to go over to his place for a while to study some more (that's why he was grabbing some coffee: he was planning on pulling an all-nighter). I said sure.

We got to his place at around 11, and we studied for about thirty minutes or so. My mind wasn't much into it, though, since I was tired, wired from coffee, and agitated (worried about work and school). If all that sounds confusing, believe me, I know it is: my mind is so weird/chaotic most of the time! But I was having fun, just listening to good music, smoking, chatting, and I even did study a little...

Long story short, we decided to take a break and watch some TV. He'd just bought the new "8 Mile" DVD, a movie I hadn't seen, so we watched it, but we mostly just chatted. Remember, I hardly know the guy except that he's in one of my classes. Well anyway, he ended up kissing me about forty minutes into the movie. I don't recall giving him any big sign that I wanted that, but it was entirely welcome... he was so sudden yet, nice, about it, you know? I kissed him back after I recovered from the surprise and we made out for about ten minutes. Then my stupid cell phone went off! Argh!!

When I was done with the call (it was one of my roommates, boring) the mood was sort of broken. I was really heated up, not totally like "horny", but just excited that this really smart, cute, nice guy was being so cool! Unfortunately, like I said, the mood was wrecked. Things might have recovered but his roommate returned from wherever he'd been, and that was that.

I don't know how interesting that is... but it was so great for me! I walked home light as a feather, and it really made me feel good for the first time in a while... I literally have butterflies in my tummy even as I type this!

I'm not falling in love. I don't even know the guy... but I like him! I liked being with him. And kissing him... it was so sweet! *flutters*

Okay, sorry! The other big thing... work yesterday. SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED. Okay. At first it went alright. James (the manager guy, remember?) was being really nice, and wasn't even flirting or anything like that. Even better, he posted the new schedule and my hours are back up, plus I get the Saturday off for that week (schedules are posted a week and a half beforehand, roughly). Here's the bad part, though: he kept me on all night shifts. And another thing? I noticed that he's scheduled himself for the EXACT SAME SHIFTS.

That got me worried. Normally in a week I may work with him twice, and usually our shifts overlap. But this new schedule? Every day I work he's going to be there the whole time (except, I think, that Friday... I forget). So I was really sort of worried and relieved, by all this: relieved because I'm getting the better hours again, but worried because it's just weird he wants me to work only with him. I mean... that's not a good sign, you know?

ARGH I'm so going to be late... but I need to finish! So, okay. Things got bad near closing. Really bad, actually... and now I'm at the point where I'm thinking of quitting or something, I don't know. Okay: I'm closing up last night, and he asks me to help do the cash. I used to do this every night I closed, until he got pissed at me recently and made sure I got the shittier jobs. So I was glad to do it again (another sign I was back in his "good graces"), until I got into the office and he suddenly went WAY into his whole perverted self. I mean, big-time: he made a comment about how he wished skirts were allowed in the company dress-code because he'd "like to sneak a peak"... that was blatant even for him to say, but I managed to laugh it off. Then he mentions that he "really" likes working with me, since I "help out" so much, and that I make sure he's always "presentable". He was obviously referring to the whole dust/pants incident the other night... argh.

By now I felt very awkward and uncomfortable, but I was determined to remain cool about it. I didn't want him pissed at me again, you know? So then, he hands me the cash bag, I sign off on it, then put it in the safe. While I'm doing that he comes up behind me and says that he likes my pants... I say, "Thanks" just as he grabs my ass.

I literally spun around in shock. I know what you're thinking as you read this: "You stupid slut, what could be shocking?! Of COURSE he'd do something like that after you rubbed his dick the other night!!!" You're right, too, I guess. I'm so fucking stupid.

But anyway, as I tried to figure something out to say (I'm facing him and standing, now) he just sorta grins and asks, "What?"

How do I respond? What do I say? All I could think was: don't fuck this up, just be cool, all he did was touch you, blah blah blah. So I just sort of nervously smiled and said, "Nothing, why?"

That's when he totally invaded my "personal bubble"... you know, stepped way too close to me? And looking all serious he said, "You've really got a nice ass, Shannon."

OMG, I was so blushing after he said that. What do you say to that?! I felt frozen. All I did was continue to stare up into his eyes with this stupid, forced smile on my face. I didn't say anything.

And then he began to press "it" against me. I swear to God, he just sort of pressed forward closer to me and I could feel his thing against my left hip, and I swear it was totally intentional. For a moment I thought he was going to start like, dry humping me right there, but instead he reached past me to grab his jacket which was hanging on the wall. Then he just stepped back, pulled on his jacket, and walked out of the room like nothing had happened.

I followed him out and headed to the lounge where two of my coworkers were already punching out. I did the same, grabbed my shit, and we all headed to the front of the store. After the alarm was set, we left together, but James stopped me while we were all yelling our goodbyes.

He asked me if I wanted to go get a drink. I told him that I couldn't because I wasn't 21 yet, and he said, "Oh yeah, but your birthday is soon...". I agreed and tried to think of a way to get away without being rude or make him mad at all, when he said, "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night!"

And that was it. I walked home. There was beer in the fridge when I got there, so I got drunk. Then I passed out at around 2:30am and got to classes late this morning (and I'm really pushing being late for work now!).

Shit shit shit. Okay, look: no matter what you think of me, no matter what you might think you can predict about what I may do, I am NOT going to fuck/blow/jerk-off/etc James. I won't! If it comes to that, I'll tell him off and quit. Although it's shitty and uncomfortable, I think I can put up with this "touching" and stuff he seems to get off on as long as he doesn't try to do more. Because I will not let it go further than that!

And I think I'll start looking for a new job, because I have a sinking feeling that he is going to try more. Thankfully he isn't closing tonight, so I'll only see him the first couple hours I work today... I just need to make sure I keep this job until I have another ready. If it comes to that, you know?

I cannot wait for Friday! I work during the day, which will suck because I think James will be there, but in the evening it's all about Tim! The one thing I look forward to in my life right now... arrrr.

Gotta go!