23 July 2003

This is going to be a quick entry.

I know what you're thinking: "Shannon, you haven't updated your diary in so long! Why bother with a 'quick entry'? Why not spend some time and give us the good stuff?"

Well, the answer to that is simple: there hasn't been any "good stuff" to give. Seriously! My life has been pretty boring lately. Not bad, just boring. So this entry is basically an update, a get-you-up-to-speed, etc. Nothing sexy in here, I don't think...

First of all, my "nervous breakdown" / "suicide-attempt". Argh. That still haunts me. You have no idea how much, so. Basically, it has ruled my life since it happened. I sort of played it down in that last entry, I think... I guess I was embarrassed. I had my reasons I suppose. Let me just say that since that time, I've been a.) threatened with hospitalization several times b.) required to attend two sessions a week with my therapist and biweekly sessions with my psychiatrist; c.) have had to fake going to AA meetings (I still haven't been to even one... Laura's fake signatures seem to pass the smell test); d.) haven't been "allowed" to have sex.

That last one is sort of the only one I've followed, really. I mean, generally I do see my shrink twice a week (I skipped one last week, though). But I don't really see my doctor bi-weekly (that's not just MY fault!). AA? Yeah, I lie about that a lot. But the no-sex thing...

Sigh. I've wanted to. I guess my therapist just made me realize a few things abut me and sex: I take the latter way more importantly than the former. So I've agreed to "stop" for some time, to "get to know myself". Eh. It's been okay... I have made progress, I think. The new meds, the constant self-inventories, they've helped. But I've been so horny. I really have... and this past weekend is a big example. I almost broke. See, I was helping my friend Laura do her laundry, and this guy was doing his next to us, and he invited us (me, mostly, I think...) to a party. Normal, eh-eh-, blah-blah... he wanted me (blush!)

I managed to resist! I said I couldn't. Laura ignored him; we went our ways. Sigh.

I've been resisting, see! I've also resisted the inevitable calls from my "booty-call-friends". Those are harder sometimes because of the "guilt-factor". Lol... I make it sound like I have all these guys I friendly-fuck... there's two. And they rarely call. But one of them I've never said no to in the past; and he's never said no to me. And I've asked him a LOT more than he's asked me, too. And he called about two weeks ago, and I had to deny him! I felt like shit.

Sigh... oh well.

No sex. Can you imagine? I haven't gotten any since Mr. James. Wow. I'm sure it's a part of my "recovery", but still... it's hard. For many reasons, as you can see.

Speaking of Mr. James, I don't work there anymore! He's not my boss! Yay!

That was also on the suggestion of my therapist. After a long discussion, I went online and did a search for new jobs and found a good one. So I just said to Mr. James, "I need to leave." He was totally cool about it. He gave a good reference, and I had the job within two weeks. I've been there for three weeks or so, now. And it's good! I mean, sure, I'm not a manager anymore. But who cares? I do make roughly the same amount of money, and the benefits are decent, too. Plus, I don't have to deal with customers!!!! Yay!!! I hate customers. I really do!!!

So yes, things are well. I'm about 55-days suicide free; 65+ sex-free. I'm having a fun, "innocent" summer full of volleyball (with friends at beach); reading (current book: Treason... awful, btw); writing (not TTT... some, but not just... I like to write "normal" fiction too!); and other (death of grandfather, wisdom-teeth removal, best friend's wedding, etc). One thing that sucks is that I've avoided the clubs, usually my absolute favorite summer place, because of work and the alcohol/sex restrictions. Sigh. I'm having fun anyway, though!

Part (a big part) of the fun I have recently has come from this site, though. I love the new forum... I love the freer interaction with the site's fans. I swear, that has been a really great thing during all this mess. That's why I continue to work on the site, even though I've been so hectic: I love it! And I really appreciate and love those of you who are willing to contribute, by writing; posting; e-mailing; visiting. It's great!!!

So uh-huh, I'm doing well!. Could I be better? Sure. Could anyone? Yep! I'm just continuously horny, is all, and a bit pissed off and continuously sad. But I've been here before. This time I have both my experience and this site. So, although I'm pretty much terrified 24-7, I feel fine! But honestly?

... I can't wait until school and the remorseless hectic-ness it brings comes again!!! THERE IS ORDER IN CHAOS!!!!!