14 May 2003

Okay. So it's been a while since I wrote in here. As usual I meant to write sooner, but I didn't... and now I hardly know where to begin!

Sigh. Let's start with school, since it's the best thing that's been going on (now that it's over of course!):

The semester ended on May 5th. How did I do? 3 "A's", one "B", and one "W". The "W" is for Withdraw... as in, I withdrew from the class. I don't think it messes up my GPA at all, but it will show up on my transcript. But if I hadn't dropped that class I'd have gotten an "F" for sure... I think I made the right choice... At the time it depressed me to no end, but now I feel relieved. My GPA is still really good (overall=3.6) and with the classes I'm taking ("higher quality") that should say a lot. One "W" on my transcript shouldn't mean much when I apply to medical school...

...which, btw, will be this fall! I only need 23 credits to graduate now. About a year, roughly, and I'll be on my way! Wooooo hoooo!

AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY! I was accepted for an AWESOME internship next fall! Let me try to explain how cool this is... okay, part of my major requires I intern somewhere, so I applied last month to four different places. And you see, my major (psychology/pre-med con.) is a very competitive field. A LOT of people are majoring in that... but I applied to ** ******* Hospital anyway, even though I figured it'd be impossible to intern there since the competition is so high. I figured I'd end up getting something else less exclusive instead.

NOPE! I got home today from practice (errr.... I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but I play volleyball for my school's female team... I'm second year right now which is cool... but I have practice four days a week during the spring; and the season ends at the end of summer)... I got home from practice today, and I had a letter from ** ******* Hospital and they ACCEPTED ME!!!

I'm so happy about this! This internship is like, the most highly recognized one you can get in this state, PLUS it pays! AND you earn college credits (only 2, but still!). So basically, starting this fall I'll be getting paid to earn college credit at the best internship available right now in my field. Wow....

I just re-read all that... I seem like a snob, bragging like that! But I'm so geeked, you have no idea... I can't help myself....

I GOT THE ** ******* HOSPITAL INTERNSHIP!!! WOOOO-HOOOO!!!!

...okay, enough of that!

So what else has been going on? Well, like I mentioned, volleyball season began. It's alright, I guess. The coach from last year retired and this new guy is FLAMING gay, and he hates females I think... so he basically talks down to all of us. That sucks. And frankly, tho I love the sport, I'm not sure I want to play this season... I have so much going on right now I feel that playing a game is sort of a waste of my time, you know? Sigh... we'll see. My friend (Crystal) gives me a guilt-trip every time I mention quitting (she's the new team captain). Who knows what I'll do? But I have two weeks to decide (that's when practice ends and the season begins). I just wish I'd started in my freshman year, so I'd be in line for first-string in the squad... oh well...

One *real* reason I may decide not to play this summer is my job. As you may remember, I've begun training to be manager for the store I work at.... and Mr. James, my store's GM, got me that position. If you don't know what I'm talking about yet, read the rest of this diary!

Let me fill you in on all of that for a sec. Okay. Remember that I gave Mr. James a blowjob that one stupid, drunken night? Well, a couple nights later (and after I wrote that entry) I did more

I had sex with him.

Why? Because I'm stupid.

How? Well, we were working together for the first time since the blowjob (the Saturday following). He was asking me how my training at the other store (under the Regional Manager) was going. I told him that it was going okay and all, and that I was so glad I could be making "manager money" soon. He laughed and said that I deserved it, while giving me a wink and nod in a very suggestive way.

During closing I had the cash/receipt duty, as usual, which is when he brought up the blowjob from a couple nights before. He mentioned how glad he was that things between me and him weren't weird now, and I just sort of shrugged and said, "Yeah".

But here's the truth: obviously, things were weird. I mean, that whole day I felt naked and stupid whenever he looked at me. I must have blushed a thousand times whenever he'd approach me, even when he or I was with a customer. And everything any of my co-workers said made me get all paranoid: at one point one of the new-hires asked if I "liked" being 21 now, so that I could go out to the bar. I nearly feinted, I swear to God.

Another thing bothering me was my guilt over cheating on Tim. Talking to him was so weird now, and I felt like such a stupid STUPID bitch for doing what I did. Part of me, like, wanted to compartmentalize it and move on. Another part of me wanted to quit the job, or dump Tim, or both... run away, story of my life. I was really in a bad state of mind that day.

But I endured the shift, though I did take a lot more breaks than normal. I stayed away from Mr. James as best I could. But then, right after the closing was done and we had all left as normal, but Mr. James stopped me as I headed away. He asked if I'd help him do the inventory. I knew there was no inventory scheduled for that night, but I was so tired and depressed and upset that I didn't know how to get out of it. So I just said yes.

Once we got back into the store he brought me over to the wine section and cracked open a bottle. The store is really dark when closed, and he hadn't turned on the lights, but he knew by then that I knew there was no inventory. So he didn't even pretend.

I drank some wine. We talked. He drank some, too, and we just hung out. I began to actually feel sorry for him because he kept mentioning how "fast" his life had gone since high school, because he became a father just after graduation, and had been working ever since to support his kid (who is now 13). He talked to me about his divorce and all a few years before, his kid's health (he has cerebral palsy), etc.

Then out of nowhere he talks about the blowjob again. He said that he really liked it, but that he didn't want me to think it was "payment" for anything... he kept saying that I'd earned my promotion, etc.

And just as I began to like the guy a little, he suddenly kissed me.

I was so worn out. So tired of everything, all the work politics and school stress and friends, family, all that-- that I just let him. I didn't really respond but I wasn't exactly uncooperative either. And when he laid me on the floor (we'd been standing, at the time, in the candles department after a walk through the store) I sort of sighed to myself and figured, Fuck It.

I wish I could say I was drunk, too, but I wasn't. As he unclothed me I helped a little, said it was "alright" when he pinched me trying to unzip my pants, and even ran my hands up and down his back as our bodies became pressed together. He was sort of clumsy and awkward, and it was weird having this old guy on me like this (though, once, I did someone older... different situation though, different life). When he took It out I even put the condom on for him (I'm good at that... always, always use a condom everybody!). Then he slowly began to have sex with me.

And I wasn't dry. I wasn't slick enough to really say I was turned on, but I wasn't dry. And that's the hardest fucking thing to write here, because it pretty much admits that I "wanted" it when, in fact, I did not. Because, you know, getting "wet" is like "preparing" sometimes... like, you prepare for "it". Sometimes, though, getting wet means more and you aren't only prepared, you're excited.

I was prepared.... but I wish I wasn't. I mean, I wish that I hadn't given up so quickly.

The sex was not enjoyable, you know? I mean, when we'd been making out just before, I had responded a little. I can admit that... but when he fucked me? I just laid there on the hard linoleum floor of the candles aisle, and wondered why I was so fucked up that I could be in this situation where my manager, nearly twice my age, was fucking me. I kept wondering how it was that I hadn't been able to prevent it, and at the same time wondering why I could now let it continue!

It lasted about ten minutes, maybe, before he just stopped, breathed out long, and rolled off of me. I didn't waste a second: I immediately put my bra back on and got dressed. We didn't say a word to each other: he got up and left, presumably to throw out the condom. After that he found me out in front of the store smoking a cigarette.

He offered to give me a ride home but I declined. When I did get home I showered (even though it was so late, I just had to) then went online for a little while, then went to bed. And that was that.

For the next couple weeks I didn't even see him: my training in full swing now, I was spending most of my time with my regional manager. When I did see Mr. James again, though, he acted like nothing had happened. And so did I, obviously.

I broke up with Tim right after that, too. Frankly, I was glad to be rid of him... but it was sad that our relationship had to end like it did. That's a long story, actually, how I dumped him, one really not worth retelling. Suffice to say I was relieved to be out of that relationship.

About two weeks later I went on a date with this guy, "Thomas", and started crying halfway through the dinner we were having. I was so loopy... I freaked him out. But that's okay, because I didn't really want to go out with him anyway... I just wanted to go out with a guy again, you know? Maybe make myself feel better for the whole Tim/Mr. James thing by acting good for a change? Didn't work out that way... I ended up telling him he was "a great listener" and he got the hint. We haven't spoken since.

I told Laura about the thing with Mr. James, and she thought it was both "funny" and "sad" (her words!). She still thinks I need to quit my job, though... or at least tell my therapist about all this (I've been refusing to talk to her about work, you see... more like avoiding). But the thing is, it's because of my job that I can afford my therapy! And my meds, and my school... I can't quit. Maybe I could look around more for a better/different job, but who has the time or the energy to do that??

I just re-read all that. Do I sound depressed!!! Lol... I'm not, though. I mean, I was during that week or two during the whole Mr. James thing. Maybe writing about it stirred up those emotions again. But see, I realize now that Mr. James managed to manipulate me pretty well during a very stressful time (end of the semester, new job responsibilities, etc.). It won't happen again... Seriously, it won't. I won't let him! And I won't let myself act like that anymore. Last time I saw him (earlier this week) he made one of his typically sexist comments to me and I shot him a look and said, "Do you really want to start that with me?" He just shut up after that.

So I think I can handle Mr. James now. He knows I could make his life miserable if I wanted to, and I think he now knows that I would. Even that night, I know he realized that I wasn't "into it". So the way I figure, he'll just be nice to me and avoid causing trouble... he knows that I'm not some horny little slut who actually WANTS to fuck him (I mean, I'm sure he has a mirror!!!). He'll reason, "She did it to get the new position; I'd better not press my luck...". And if he doesn't? I'll rat him out for having sex with an employee; for sexual harassment; etc. I could make his life really, really difficult.

I think I will quit the volleyball team. I don't need any more responsibilities right now, you know?

Okay, my mind is starting to wander. I'm going, now! Hopefully the next time I write in here a month won't have gone by... bye!