12 March 2003

For better or for worse, I've finally decided to post an entry into my diary. Why? Well, it's mostly because I'm so fucking drunk right now and so fucking depressed. Normally I would post to my LJ but this can't be posted there... you'll see why.

Does anyone remember that post I made back on February 11th (on the main page) where I said that I got laid? With the really really gorgeous guy? Sigh.... my heart is fluttering... Okay! Even though at the time I hardly knew him, and I didn't really like him much (he seemed stupid sorta), we began to hang out occasionally soon after just because I felt, well, he was at least pretty! We even went out on Valentine's Day as "friends"... and we really were! I don't think I would have minded if he'd tried something, but he didn't and we had fun just getting drunk and listening to CCR until the wee-hours at his place... a lot of fun!

(btw, I'm going to call him "Max" on here...!)

A scary walk home, though... TIP: Guys, if you ever have a girl over and get her drunk, whether you fuck her or not, either let her spend the night or walk her home. Oh, or call a cab or something. I had to walk... it was dark. And scary. Remember, Max is a hot and sweet guy... but not really bright! :P

So, well, Max and I hung out a bunch after that, usually with my other friends... but see, he's older (25) and goes to bars a lot, so that was a problem a lot. I couldn't hang out with his friends... But anyway, slowly but surely I began to really care about this guy. Why do I do that to myself?!?

Dammit... why do I feel this way? I hate this so much. Why can't I be like one of you guys, fuck a pretty member of the opposite sex then throw them away?? Huh?? I wanted to do that so much this time... toss him away instead of the other way around. INSTEAD, I get all mushy about him. Arrr!!!

Okay, so on this past Sunday I made a pass at him at a party at my friend Holly's house. I knew I liked him by now, but hadn't wanted to do "anything" again until we were like... closer? But I was drunk and decided I didn't care. So I began to kiss him (we were basically alone, smoking a cigarette) when to my total surprise he shot me down! He was nice about it... he said, "We've become friends" or something.

I felt like I was dead.

I hate getting rejected. Not to be immodest, but it rarely happens... I mean, sure, I'll get cheated on or whatever, but rejection to my advances?!? Rare, so rare... and to a guy I'd already had sex with?!? I felt so awful.

So what did I do? Did I respect his decision and brag about what a great guy he was, so noble and honorable, so nice and sweet, such a good friend? Did I think, "Wow, Max! Such a good guy... he couldn't have bent me over in my drunken state, but he stopped me from even kissing him instead!" Did I do or think any of those things?

Oh, no no! Of course not! Because that, you see, is what I should have done. Instead I ended up doing something I hadn't done since before college.

I gave two separate complete strangers blowjobs in the same night.

I didn't even use my usual "I'm horny but aren't slutty" technique I'm so famous for (where I make a guy work hard to get me, even when I want it bad). I just gave in... the second guy, and this is awful, the second guy I even just skipped all the preliminaries and just fucking did it. I probably would have fucked them (or at least the first one) if not for the fact I'd started my period the day before (I get REALLY horny during it, but am incredibly self-conscious about it... I won't even allow petting).

So anyway, that was awful. But oh yes, it gets worse! Turns out EVERYONE knew I was doing it. Even Holly knew, apparently. I guess I was so drunk I didn't realize that, after each blowjob when I rejoined the party, everyone was sort of laughing about me. Well, okay, probably not everyone (there were a lot of ppl there) but enough of them knew me, and had seen me go upstairs each time.... Plus, I doubt the guys kept their "conquest" a huge secret.

...and of course, fucking Max found out. He made fun of me the next day in a light-hearted way, but now things seem totally different. I fucked everything up! Damn me. Dammit!