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The 2004 Golden Clitorides Awards

The Awards Gala

It was time once again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Gala, and La Taverna's rooftop open-air lyceum was filling to capacity with authors, fans, and their guests. For Gary, in his guise as acting moderator, it was a Shakespeare in Love moment; "The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster." He could only hope all would turn out well. How that might happen remained, like Rui Jorge's whereabouts, a mystery.

Gary searched frantically for his Muse. He found her in the wings, gorging on chocolate... his chocolate! Setting aside his momentary outrage, he appealed, "Quick! You've gotta do the finger-snap thing. I can't find the golden clits or the envelopes with the winners!"

His Muse waved her chocolate covered fingers, well-separated. "Nothing I can do for that right now, until this mess is licked off my fingers." Spotting Jack Lipton in the front row, she headed his way. "Oh Soupy, sweety, can you do me a little favor?"

Gary looked around again. Spotting the Birthday Nymph with an older couple, he approached, but waited until she was done with them. "Since you're both sixty-nine today, and it's your fiftieth wedding anniversary, I'll grant you each a wish," he overheard.

The older woman said, "I'd like us to be able to take an around-the-world cruise together." The Birthday Nymph waved her wand, and a fistfull of tickets appeared in the grateful woman's hand. Her face shone.

The older gentleman said, "Well, no offense and all, but a wish is a wish - I'd like a wife thirty years younger than me." The Birthday Nymph once again waved her wand, and his wish was granted.

Staring at the ninety-nine year old man, Gary decided this might not be the best time to ask BN for assistance. But what could he do, he wondered. Without BN or The Muse, he could only appeal to a higher power.

So he did. "Excuse me, Your Editorship, could you spare a moment?" Gary quickly sketched the problem.

The Editor looked the problem over, and whipped out a flaming blue pencil. "This should fix it. Just change 'Gala' to 'Game', and everything should work out. Although I'm not sure I like that semicolon in the second sentence."

"Game?"

"Yes. I suggest you call it, 'Where In The World Is Carmen... er, Rui Jorge?' Are you sure you want to keep that semicolon?"

Gary hurriedly made the suggested changes.


It was time once again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Game, and La Taverna's rooftop open-air lyceum was filling to capacity with authors, fans, and their guests. For Gary, in his guise as acting moderator, it was a Shakespeare in Love moment - "The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster." He could only hope all would turn out well. How that might happen remained, like Rui Jorge's whereabouts, a mystery: "Where In The World Is Rui Jorge?"

Behind him on the stage appeared a giant world map, consisting of liftable squares, suggesting that something might be hidden behind each tile. In his hands, Gary suddenly found a set of rules, and a first clue. He began to read into the microphone.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen and so forth, to the 2004 Golden Clitorides Awards." He read down the rules... this was ridiculous! It would add hours to the Awards ceremony. Using his own trusty Scripto, he changed "Game" back to "Gala" - but left out the semicolon. "The only rules I wish to explain is that of ranking the winners in some categories. Where a winner commanded a majority of the votes, that winner stands alone. Where a simple plurality prevailed, I awarded second or even third place honors, until the winners totalled among them a majority of the votes cast. Oh, and the awards will remain here on stage until the end, when all the recipients can come up at once. That said, would one of my lovely assistants fetch the results from behind the tiles on the map?"

Birthday Nymph fluttered up to the square containing Bosnia, and returned with two Golden Clits and an envelope. Opening the envelope, Gary announced, "In the category Best Author, 2004, second place goes to Don Lockwood. And the winner is... Night Hawk."

Before Gary could request it, his Muse placed five golden clits and an envelope before him. "For Best New Author, third place is a three-way tie among Lazlo Zalezac, Girl Friday, and Jeremy Spencer. Second Place goes to Joe J. And the Winner is... Andrew Wiggin."

The Golden Clits and envelopes kept coming. No sooner did the applause begin to abate then he had the next set.

"Let's move along to Best Flash Story of the Year. Second place goes to Ocean Mist by Dryad. And the winner is... Girl Friday's Always & Forever.

"Next up is Best Short Story by a New Author. Second place belongs to A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer. And the winner is... Reunion by Girl Friday.

"The second best Short Story of the Year goes to The Ghost of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood. Not so surprisingly, the winner is... You Dance by that same Don Lockwood.

"Now for the Golden Clit for Best Long Story by a New Author. Third place goes to Twice Lucky by Joe J, and second is Geek Goddess by Trybble. And the winner is... Death by Fucking by Andrew Wiggin.

"For Long Story of the Year, third place is a tie for Finding a Place by Don Lockwood and Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie. Second goes to Death by Fucking by Andrew Wiggin. And the winner is... Summer Camp - Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio.

"For Best Series, the number two spot goes to the Summer Camp series by Nick Scipio. And the winner is... Don Lockwood's Naked in School Series.

"In the Best Serial category, Rewind by Don Lockwood takes third place honors, Kelly by Night Hawk is second, and the winner is... Once More With Feelings, also by Night Hawk.

"Now we turn our attention to the specialty awards.

"The Best Erotic Poetry award, which includes original lyrics for songs, goes to Dr. Seuss Provides the Girls by Be287m.

"The award for Best Seasonal Story goes to The Ghosts of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood.

"Next is the award for Classic Clit. Second prize belongs to Castle In The Sand by Deana Johns, But the winner is... Tales of the Golden Mule by Artie."

Gary smiled. "And now for my favorite category, Best Romantic Story. For third place, we have another three-way. I mean, three-way tie." Gary blushed. "Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter, The Ghost of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood, and Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf share that honor. The number two position goes to Havana Club by Stickland83. And the winner is...Finding a Place by Don Lockwood.

"For Best Same Sex Story, second goes to I Taught Her That by Alexis Siefert, and the winner is... Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter.

"The Golden Clit for Best Mind Control Story goes to JimC's Lucky Tickets. The Best BDSM Story is Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB.

"In the contest for Best Heterosexual Story, Don Lockwood shares third and second with himself for You Dance and Finding a Place, respectively. But the winner is...Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie.

"The award for Best Humor Story goes Andrew Wiggin's 'Death by Fucking'. In the category for Best Science Fiction or Fantasy Story, second place belongs to The Talosian Chronicles: Book 1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon. And the winner is... Twice Lucky by Joe J.

"Finally, we have the Sterling Silver Award for the best of the winners of the Silver Clitorides Awards. All of these stories are winners, but your votes chose three as the best of the best. Those three are... Scouting by Alexis Siefert, Summer Camp - Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio, and Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie.

"On behalf of Rui Jorge and everyone who helped with this year's awards, I'd like to thank each and every one of the authors for sharing their talents with us, and to thank the fans who took the time to vote. Congrats to everyone!"
-- Gary Jordan

"Wait! One last item. I'd like to share an excerpt from an e-mail I received October 13, 2004:

Subject: a missing pervert returns :0)

Hi Gary,

Hmm... This thing of writing a 'back from the death note' is definitely not easy, couldn't quite make my mind about the best way to start. Starting it with 'I'm not dead yet!' seemed a bit too crass, and the other starts I came up with seemed all too unsuitable for one reason or other (mostly they all sounded too whiny to my taste). So I decided on a rambling start, I'm good at that. :0)

Anyway, I haven't been at my best recently, and haven't been online in these past few weeks because of that. Getting sick when one isn't in a particularly cheerful mood really does make getting back to your old routine quite hard.

<snip permission to proceed>

Regards,
Rui Jorge

"Welcome back, Rui, and get well soon!"
-- Gary Jordan

Author of the Year:

Author Finish
Anais Ninja Finalist
Ann Douglas Finalist
Desdmona Finalist
DotB Finalist
El Sol Finalist
Ellagon Finalist
Emily Finalist
Don Lockwood Second
Gil Gamesh Finalist
Gina Marie Wylie Finalist
Girl Friday Finalist
Harriet Scott Finalist
Holly Rennick Finalist
Jack C Lipton Finalist
Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Joe J Finalist
Julie Hypnotic Finalist
MWTB Finalist
Nick Scipio Finalist
Night Hawk Winner
Night Wolf Finalist
Nujbaf Finalist
Paul Story Finalist
Powerone Finalist
scout Finalist
Spacer X Finalist
Switch Blayde Finalist
Tenyari Finalist
Thinking Horndog Finalist
Trybble Finalist

Flash Story of the Year:

Author Finish
Always & Forever by Girl Friday Winner
Need-Leash by Mike Kimera Finalist
Ocean Mist by Dryad Second
Population by Selena Jardine Finalist
White Flag by Girl Friday Finalist

Short Story of the Year:

Author Finish
The Catch by Paul Story Finalist
Catsondra by BAP Finalist
Every Naked Body by Decker Finalist
The Departed Psychic Lover by Lon T. Ryden Finalist
The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood Second
Hot by Sydney Beier Finalist
I Want to Watch You Do It by Mike Kimera Finalist
Joy And Happiness by Ann Douglas Finalist
A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Michelle's Story: 'Alejandro Me Dijo' by El Sol Finalist
Reunion by Girl Friday Finalist
Russian Roulette (MF, impreg, F-solo) by Leah S. Finalist
Scouting by Alexis Siefert Finalist
Spirit Renewed by Heathen57 Finalist
Things to do in Arles by be287m Finalist
Too Late by Dryad Finalist
You Dance by Don Lockwood Winner

Long Story of the Year:

Author Finish
Arie and Brandon Naked In School by CWatson Finalist
Ashok's Saga of Cuckoldry by Nujbaf Finalist
Curse of the Bambino by Don Lockwood Finalist
Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood Nominee3
Dancing Lessons by Holly Rennick Finalist
Dawn Of Time by Crimson Dragon Finalist
Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin Second
Finding a Place by Don Lockwood Third
Geek Goddess by Trybble Finalist
The General by Girl Friday Finalist
Jason And Jennifer Naked In School by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Lucy always gets her way by Ciad Finalist
Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf Finalist
Once and Future Lovers by Paul Story Finalist
The Preacher's Wife by Switch Blayde Finalist
Rough Cut (hard-boiled mystery) by Desdmona Finalist
Second Best by Thinking Horndog Finalist
Summer Camp: Book2 - Gina by Nick Scipio Winner
Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB Finalist
Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie Third
Twice Lucky by Joe J Finalist
Twice Lucky II: Time for a change by Joe J Finalist
Two Minute Penalty by be287m Finalist

Best Series:

Author Finish
American Holidays by Mike Kimera Finalist
The Brennan Stories by Uther Pendragon Finalist
The Circle by Plains Cree Finalist
Emily's Sexy Family Blog by Emily Finalist
Emi Tsuruta's Letters by Emi Tsuruta Finalist
It Was Almost Like a Song by Heathen57 Finalist
John Carter Series by Lazlo Zalezac Finalist
The Misadventures of Ace Dyson by DrSpin Finalist
The Naked in School Stories by Don Lockwood Winner
The Stringbreaker Series by El Sol Finalist
Twice Lucky by Joe J Finalist
Summer Camp by Nick Scipio Second

Best Serial:

Author Finish
Cam Trouble by Harriet Scott Finalist
Cammie Sue part 2 by Real Life Dragon Finalist
Campus Capers: ENGL 369 Creative Writing by Lady Kokomo Finalist
Charlotte's Movie by Ken Randall Finalist
Genesis by Mandorin Finalist
Joanna's First Gynecological Exam by Powerone Finalist
Kelly by Night Hawk Second
The Measure Of Man by Gil Gamesh Finalist
A Master's Ring by El Sol Finalist
Mommy, show me how! by scout Finalist
Naked High by Don Lockwood Finalist
New Year by Martinmac Finalist
Once More With Feelings by Night Hawk Winner
Pete: A Young Man's Story by Magi Finalist
Phoenix Rising by Anais Ninja Finalist
Playing the Game III by Reverand Cotton Mather Finalist
Rewind by Don Lockwood Third
Robin by John Smith Finalist
Six times a day by Spacer X Finalist
Summer Camp Book 3 - Kendall by Nick Scipio Finalist
Tales of the eKids by Andrew Wiggin Finalist
Trace by Decker Finalist

Best New Author:

Author Finish
Abby Finalist
Andrew Wiggin Winner
Be287m Finalist
Catmandu99 Finalist
CWatson Finalist
Dirty Little Claudia Finalist
Ellagon Finalist
Girl Friday Third
Heathen57 Finalist
Immodicus Furor Finalist
Jeremy Spencer Third
Joe J Second
Lazlo Zalezac Third
MWTB Finalist
Paul Story Finalist
R. Zeen Finalist
scout Finalist
Spacer x Finalist
Strickland83 Finalist
Sydney Beier Finalist
Thinking Horndog Finalist
Trybble Finalist

Best Short Story by a New Author:

Author Finish
Anticipation by Trybble Finalist
A Cat's Tale by Catmandu99 Finalist
The Catch by Paul Story Finalist
Freak Show by Sydney Beier Finalist
Hot by Sydney Beier Finalist
A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer Second
Leah goes nightclubbing by Leah S. Finalist
Restaurant Revenge by R. Zeen Finalist
Reunion by Girl Friday Winner
Triangle World by Sydney Beier Finalist
Visions Of Johanna by Jeremy Spencer Finalist

Best Long Story by a New Author:

Author Finish
Arie and Brandon Naked In School by CWatson Finalist
Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin Winner
Geek Goddess by Trybble Second
The General by Girl Friday Finalist
Havana Club by Stickland83 Finalist
Jason And Jennifer Naked In School by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
John Carter by Lazlo Zalezac Finalist
Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Once and Future Lovers by Paul Story Finalist
The Pop-Up Camper by Strickland83 Finalist
Second Best by Thinking Horndog Finalist
The Talosian Chronicles: Book1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon Finalist
Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB Finalist
Twice Lucky by Joe J Third
Twice Lucky II: Time for a change by Joe J Finalist
Two Minute Penalties by Be287m Finalist

Best Erotic Poetry:

Author Finish
Correspondence by Susannah Hogendorn Finalist
Curious by William Dean Finalist
Dr. Seuss Provides the Girls by Be287m Winner

Best Seasonal Story:

Author Finish
A Cat's Tale by Catmandu99 Finalist
Christmas at the Beach by Girl Friday Finalist
An Erotic Christmas Carol by El Sol Finalist
The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood Winner
Mardi Gras by Marie Leclare Finalist
I Saw Mommie Fucking Santa Clause by Trybble Finalist
Jesus, Mary And Joseph by Jeremy Spencer Finalist

Classical Clit:

Author Finish
Artifacts by Net Wolf Finalist
Castle In The Sand by Deana Johns Second
Next Door Neighbor by Dorsai Finalist
Santa Claws by Mike Kimera Finalist
Strip Chess by Delta Finalist
Tales of the Golden Mule by Artie Winner

Best Romantic Story:

Author Finish
Becka, the Beastby Sacwriter Third
Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood Nominee3
Dancing Lessons by Holly Rennick Finalist
Falling by Decker Finalist
Finding a Place by Don Lockwood Winner
Freak Show by Sydney Beier Finalist
Friends and Lovers by Girl Friday Finalist
The General by Girl Friday Finalist
The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood Third
Happy Anniversary by Mike Kimera Finalist
Havana Club by Stickland83 Second
I Met My Old Lover by Stickland83 Finalist
Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf Third
Ocean Mist by Dryad Finalist
Once and Future Lovers by Paul Story Finalist
Reunion by Girl Friday Finalist
Samantha's Secret by Don Lockwood Finalist
Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB Finalist
You Dance by Don Lockwood Finalist

Best Same Sex Story:

Author Finish
Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter Winner
Dying Declaration by Nina Finalist
Every Naked Body by Decker Finalist
I Taught Her That by Alexis Siefert Second
Journal of a Journey by Abby Finalist
New For Me by Sydney Beier Finalist
Nine Holes by Decker Finalist
Sadie and the Moon by Sam Cornell Finalist
Terri and Sammy, a Love Story by hotwetnshaved Finalist

Best Mind Control (MC) Story:

Author Finish
Ahead of the Game by Night Wolf Finalist
Akiko’s New Protégé by Aerosol Kid Finalist
Journal of a Journey by Abby Finalist
Lucky Tickets by JimC Winner

Best BDSM (bondage, discipline and sado- masochism) Story:

Author Finish
Bus Ride by Mike Kimera Finalist
Lights! Camera! Action! by Gato Medio Finalist
Serena by Arty Finalist
Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB Winner

Best Heterosexual Story:

Author Finish
The Birthday Gift by Girl Friday Finalist
The Catch by Paul Story Finalist
Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood Nominee3
Eddies by Dryad Finalist
Finding a Place by Don Lockwood Second
The General by Girl Friday Finalist
Jesus, Mary And Joseph by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf Finalist
The Phantom of the subway by Carlos Malenkov Finalist
Reunion by Girl Friday Finalist
Scouting by Alexis Siefert Finalist
Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB Finalist
Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie Winner
You Dance by Don Lockwood Third

Best Humor Story:

Author Finish
A*F*T*S by Russell Hoisington Finalist
Black Spider in B Cup, White by DrSpin Finalist
Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin Winner
Great Performances by Juanwildone Finalist
Into the Woods by Decker Finalist
It's All Academic by Parthenogenesis Finalist
I Was Raped By A Twelve-Limbed Tentacle Monster While King Kong Jacked Off Over Tokyo by Jeremy Spencer Finalist
A Letter to Santa & Reply by Catmandu99 & TonyJ Finalist
The Morning I Had A New Penis by Sydney Beier Finalist
WMD by Jack C. Lipton Finalist

Best Erotic Sci-Fi Story:

Author Finish
A Charmed Experience" by Paul Story Finalist
Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin Finalist
John Carter by Lazlo Zalezac Finalist
Lives Alone of Stone by Alexis Siefert Nominee3
Robert Steel by DB_Story Finalist
The Talosian Chronicles: Book1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon Second
Twice Lucky by Joe J Winner
Twice Lucky II: Time for a change by Joe J Finalist
With Good Intentions by Cait N. Finalist

Sterling Silver:

(the winners of the Monthly Silver Clitorides Awards)

Story Month
A Pirate's Party by Dryad July 2003
Black Spider in B Cup, White by DrSpin July 2003
Reunion by Girl Friday August 2003
The General by Girl Friday August 2003
What Do You Dream Of? by Don Lockwood September 2003
White Stucco Walls by Alexis Siefert October 2003
Summer Camp Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio October 2003
Curse of the Bambino by Don Lockwood October 2003
Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf November 2003
The Ghosts Of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood December 2003
Scouting by Alexis Siefert January 2004
Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer February 2004
Modern Day Fairy Tale by Girl Friday March 2004
Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie April 2004
It Was Sexual Right From The Start by gentlebutfirm May 2004
Dancing Lessons by Holly Rennick June 2004
Havana Club by Strickland83 June 2004

Notes:

1 All nominees as of Rui Jorge's last update are assumed to be finalists.

2 Any authors who requested that their names and stories be removed from the list of nominees have had their wishes respected.

3 Any authors who requested that their names and stories be removed from the list of finalists have had their wishes respected as well.

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