Letter to Santa
How's it going? Sorry about the sugar-free cookies and 2% milk last year. Bob (that's my husband - but I'm sure you already knew that) said that you were getting a bit pudgy and he thought your heart wouldn't be able to handle the added cholesterol. Don't worry. I'll sneak in some real cookies and milk this year.
Speaking of last year, I'd like to talk to you about last year's present. I appreciate the fact that you were thinking of me and don't want to seem ungrateful, but I must admit to some confusion. I just don't see how the 150 pairs of jockstraps could have possibly been intended for me. I just know that somewhere in the world there is a football team running around commando. Perhaps there was an error in the elf processing center or something.
In order to head off such an error, I've decided to write a little earlier than usual. Did you like the bunny stamp I used? It's so hard to find one this time of year that isn't wearing shamrocks while fireworks burst over a pumpkin patch.
At any rate, here's my most wanted list for this Christmas. I'd like to begin by saying that, while I haven't been a good girl ALL year long, my husband assures me that Santa likes naughty girls too. In fact, several times during the year, he has specifically mentioned that you would be very pleased with just how naughty I've gotten. He's grown quite fond of such phrases as "hump it like a reindeer" and "bounce up and down on Santa's candy cane, little girl". I worry that you would consider this taking your name in vain.
The first thing I'd like to ask for this year is batteries. Lots and lots of batteries. I seem to go through them very quickly. Perhaps you might have your research and development team look into a vibrator that doesn't drain the batteries quite so quickly. Or maybe make one that will plug in. It's very frustrating to have a battery die on you right before you're done with it. I've also found that people at the store don't appreciate when you bring the vibrator with you in order to get the correct size battery. I know you understand though, don't you, Santa? There is nothing worse than getting home with the wrong size battery.
Speaking of being frustrated, the next gift I'm requesting is for my husband. Do you have some sort of anatomical roadmap to the G spot? I've heard so much about this spot and I'm intrigued with the possbilities. As with most men, Bob refuses to ask for directions when he's in the driver's seat and lost. I'm hoping that this will inspire him to stop the car, as it were, and explore the area instead of just endurance driving at top speed.
The last gift I'm requesting this festive season is some simple lingerie. I'm tired of the scratchy lace garter belts and leather bustiers that cut off air intake. I'm sure that this is supreme male fantasy, but I've grown quite fond of breathing and would like to continue for a while. I don't really mind high heels, but can you please explain to me thigh high boots made of black stretch rubber? Maybe you could look into some nice silk or flowing gowns of satin. Red, please. Just as a side note, I'm allergic to feathers. Just in case.
Oh yeah, and if you have time, could you work on world peace, the end to hunger, and Dance of a Lifetime chapter 147 by Frank Downey?
Well, that's about it Santa. I've tried to make my list as simple as possible for your carrying convenience. Give my regards to Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and all your elves and elvettes.
Your special friend,
Reply from Santa to Cat
You don't know how happy I am to hear from you. It seems that ECP (elven central processing) did make a mistake last year in regards to the jockstraps. To provide recompense for this oversight, I am prepared to grant you two requests from your letter.
In regards to the batteries, you will be happy to find that my chief elven researcher has created a solar powered vibrator. The tool is manually adjustable, meaning fit for comfort. Also, its motor had enough power to create its own vibrations, so we added in other motions. Mrs. Claus says that the side to side is her favorite, although from our research, I think you will find the clitoral stimulator (aka butterfly attachment) very useful. The only drawback is that it must be used outdoors with little cloud cover, again, research shows us that you *don't* find that too troubling.
In regards to your husband, Bob. I swear that young man needs to have his head examined. I appreciate his vigor and love of this season of giving, but, it seems that his capacity for giving isn't what it should be. If he can't slow down and find the correct locations... Well, lets just say he is getting some reading material for Christmas this year. As far as using my name in vain, I am very flattered that you both love each other enough to carry Christmas with you all year around!
Since that last item came under a request for Bob, the other items I am including for you this year are some nice soft calfskin lingerie. It is soft, sexy and extremely simple. Before the complaint is raised, the panties and bra's are magically modified to feel like satin. Outwardly, you will look stunning (Trust me, I have checked them out on Mrs. Claus) while inwardly feeling like a million bucks.
As far as your other requests, I am sorry to disappoint. World Peace and an end to hunger can not be filled by my elves unless everyone in the world asked for the same thing, and unfortunately, there are too many selfishly greedy people in this world. The magic required for that is so great that I would probably die in the attempt, but even if I survived I would be drained for a good 12 to 18 months. In regards to Dance of a Lifetime, I am sorry. While I can turn a good gift here and there, I can only work magic. Controlling the output of Frank Downey falls under miracles, and miracles come from another "mythical figure".
Mrs. Claus said to tell you that her favorite position is "Reindeer style" and that she loves riding "the candy cane". The elves and elvettes send their love. Donner asked if you could please leave him some of your lovely sugar-free cookies on the roof, he enjoyed them last year (sorry, lowfat and sugar-free are not my thing ).
I will see you in 6 evenings,
P.S. - Tell Bob that I said Hi!