My First SA Meeting
If you don't know what 'Sexaholics Anonymous' is you should read this first.
I went to my first meeting last week at the urging of Beth, my first honest-to-God girlfriend. After she made me her sub. How crazy is that? I mean, I was totally willing to be submissive. And I have been. Now, though, I'm being punished in a way I never imagined. I have to go to these meetings that tell me my very *submission* is wrong and unhealthy. Every day, every day, I do this. They teach me... or, at least, all I'm learning... is that I'm not supposed to be with a person like her. And *she* sent me there! And I love her. That is not healthy for me, you know?
Is this her way of breaking up with me?
When I read the twelve steps (which we do, every fucking day at the meetings) all I can see in the end is me... you know, realizing that I have to push her away. Give her up. Yet she makes me go. Does she want me to give her up?
At my first meeting I sat at a "first step" table. I listened to all these people who, frankly, were big-time druggies and such. Losers, etc. Former hookers and former inmates. But they judged *me*, you know? They talked down to me, told me I needed to realize what my addiction was. Like me being in a healthy if strange relationship is unhealthy. And them, most of whom admitted they have STDs, aren't. It was horrible. I could barely bite my tongue to keep from telling them off.
They don't know me! I'm a mess, sure, I've done wrong things! But compare me to them, you know!!! Grr....
And then Beth picks me up afterwards and she tells me she's "proud" I was there. And she does that every time since. She tells me how proud she is of me, for going to these BS meetings. What am I supposed to do? She's the one who wants me there. Yet it is such BS. Such fucking bullshit. Argh!
Anyway, I can't genuinely get past the second step. So maybe this will be over soon. Maybe it will even involve losing Beth. At this point, I'm not sure I care. Because, as a part-time stripper and an all-time lover of all things sexual? The very idea of giving up 'lust' is... incomprehensible to me. Especially when the person who wants me to go to these meetings (my beloved Dom) is the very same person who keeps me sexualized... well, always.
I don't get what's going on. Sorry for rambling, btw.
shannon
I went to my first meeting last week at the urging of Beth, my first honest-to-God girlfriend. After she made me her sub. How crazy is that? I mean, I was totally willing to be submissive. And I have been. Now, though, I'm being punished in a way I never imagined. I have to go to these meetings that tell me my very *submission* is wrong and unhealthy. Every day, every day, I do this. They teach me... or, at least, all I'm learning... is that I'm not supposed to be with a person like her. And *she* sent me there! And I love her. That is not healthy for me, you know?
Is this her way of breaking up with me?
When I read the twelve steps (which we do, every fucking day at the meetings) all I can see in the end is me... you know, realizing that I have to push her away. Give her up. Yet she makes me go. Does she want me to give her up?
At my first meeting I sat at a "first step" table. I listened to all these people who, frankly, were big-time druggies and such. Losers, etc. Former hookers and former inmates. But they judged *me*, you know? They talked down to me, told me I needed to realize what my addiction was. Like me being in a healthy if strange relationship is unhealthy. And them, most of whom admitted they have STDs, aren't. It was horrible. I could barely bite my tongue to keep from telling them off.
They don't know me! I'm a mess, sure, I've done wrong things! But compare me to them, you know!!! Grr....
And then Beth picks me up afterwards and she tells me she's "proud" I was there. And she does that every time since. She tells me how proud she is of me, for going to these BS meetings. What am I supposed to do? She's the one who wants me there. Yet it is such BS. Such fucking bullshit. Argh!
Anyway, I can't genuinely get past the second step. So maybe this will be over soon. Maybe it will even involve losing Beth. At this point, I'm not sure I care. Because, as a part-time stripper and an all-time lover of all things sexual? The very idea of giving up 'lust' is... incomprehensible to me. Especially when the person who wants me to go to these meetings (my beloved Dom) is the very same person who keeps me sexualized... well, always.
I don't get what's going on. Sorry for rambling, btw.
shannon
Labels: stuff about me
posted by Shannon at 1:53 AM
21 Comments:
The AA model is fundamentally flawed in some serious ways, a study of the research will show you that. I can provide resources, if you want.
Dominance and submission are not innately unhealthy - they CAN be so, but so can any other aspect of a relationship. It is a natural aspect of human relationships to have defined roles and competancies. To deny the very real power of those roles is to ignore our biology as mammals - any social animal instinctively makes social hierarchies. D/s is in our very genetics.
You're a wonderful writer and I've enjoyed much of what you've written. Your forays into politics are inspiring.
Find a balance, yes. But you can't let the AA cult make you into something you are not.
This is killing me. First let me say that all I know about you is what I read here. You totally don't sound like someone that needs to go to a 12 step program for "sex addiction". It sounds to me like you're being manipulated for some sick reason. Being told by a bunch of losers that you're a looser, or sick, or what ever, is bull shit. Drug addicts and street hookers have zero credibility. You have a healthy sexual appetite, cool. Enjoy it! My opinion is that at many of these 12 step programs people there are angry at themselves and try to build themselves back up at the expense of others.
What exactly is their definition of a "sex addict" anyway? How many men and women here on this board would get in to sex every day, sometimes several times a day, if they had the opportunity. How many here have really kinky desires that get them off. I'm thinking ALL of them, me included. If what I see at Hedonism III where we vacation is any indicator of what people enjoy, "normal" is what ever gets you off. Whether your into men, women, both, lots of them while hanging upside down from a palm tree, what ever matters not.
I'd tell your partner that if she thinks you need to go to these meetings, she needs to re-examine herself. Maybe she's the one that needs to go.
Hmm, i really don't agree with anon above here. I can see that beth is worried for you and probably doesn't realise that these folk are so determined to break off any "unchristian" relationships.
Have you discussed this with her, does she know that the whole thing is so very religious? I really don't like the very religious overtones to the SA, and if the AA are the same I have the same issues.
To even being to believe that unless you believe in God you have no ability to take control and ownership of your own actions is simply insane!
I am not a religious person, i am a spiritual one. I wouldn't even begin to say that you need this to sort this out. I am suspecting, thought i may be wrong, that you haven't spoken to beth about the fact that they believe that you shouldn't be in a D/S relationship. I doubt that she would be forcing you to do something so fundamentally against what you want.
My ex fiancee was bi-polar and had self esteem issues and I know if i'd known how negative these folk were I'd have yanked her out of there so fast thier heads would have spun.
I think you need to sit down and talk with beth, explain how unhappy it's making you, why it's making you unhappy and if she thinks you need help with anything then there are alternatives that would be much better than the right wing religious nutters that so desperately want to be big brother in the USA.
WHAT???
I have just read the 12 steps. They are clearly a bunch of nutters. Avoid them. What right have they got to decide what you should or should not be doing because it doesn't fit their world view?
rab67
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/magazine/25internet-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp
I'll let that article stand in place of any comments I might have
howly aka hootchiemama
seconded...
I have been on the forum for a long time, though don't often get time to comment and write- but i will post comments to things important- and you knowing this is fucked up is important!
I've even talked to you very little here and there on yahoo - if you remember me wizass4u2000 - and you seem like a genuinely nice (though kinky and sexually frustrated) person- but who isn't - humans and all animals were on this earth to procreate- if we deny that- what really is the point. hell - go to the zoo and you'll see some monkeys doing some sicker stuff than any people i know (we're talking coprophilia stuff- flinging poo) - and people laugh at that.
i agree with the first last guy- you should tell your girlfriend this and ask maybe if she has a weird strange torture technique or if she just has a sex problem she needs to solve herself. i frankly wouldn't want to be stuck like that how you are stuck in now.
be happy- don't get upset over it- pleasure is the point- not to be miserable.
While I do not feel I know enough about the situation and parties to give advice or comment deeply. I do sincerly hope things straighten them selves out and you find happiness
I wonder if she even realizes what she is asking of you. I'm not sure the 12 step thing is real, but I think she is wanting monogamy, and she is afraid that without this program she cannot have it. But I'm just spitballing here,
If you are concerned about addictive behavior, read "The Heart of Addiction", by Lance Dodes. It will give you a basis for understanding whether you are addicted or just horny.
I read you from time to time and generally like your writing and your views on things. I went to SA meetings a couple of years ago, and the more I attended, the more I realized that I should not allow myself to be beaten up by other people's views about sex. Sure there are times when I may let sex preoccupy my mind and time too much, but I'm am and can be productive, intelligent, and self-controlling as most so-called normal people. So I stopped attending. The religious underpinnings of those meetings are false for me. If they work for others, that's great. But for me, it's all restrictive and it avoids real aspects of human nature.
As for you, I would say that it is very irresponsible of you to engage in activity that you find troubling for your life. Is it okay for you to be submissive, but that doesn't mean that you engage in activity that debases you and makes you feel less than you are. You're too intelligent for that. If your gf can't respect you for who you are, then you really do not need her. She's wrong for you. Pure and simple.
AA is a group who's design is to make people get over an ADDICTION, if I'm not mistaken, and I usually am.
I don't think it's that shes maliciously mindfucking you, I think it's so perhaps you can get a glimpse into the uglier side of promiscuity. The possible end result. Maybe give you some kind of goal, to not be like them, all fucked up with Third stage Syphilis, HSV 2, AIDS.
I'm no fucking sociologist, but what could it hurt you, you can still fuck, just like people who go to AA can still drink.
It's a touchy subject, honestly. I'm not digging this every day thing, couldn't you go every two day, every three days? I don't even think AA is 7 days per week. I could be wrong though, it's happened before.
This seems very weird to me. Maybe I'm not the best person to judge. 12 step programs have gotten a lot of people through a lot of shit. That must be said. But they've always left a bad taste in my mouth.
I think they put too much emphasis on prayer. While I do believe in God, I'm very leery of any organization that says that you NEED God to make progress. That bothers me.
I also totally disagree with SA's negative view of masturbation. While any behavior can become self destructive, if you're not doing it in public, missing time from work, or rubbing so hard you're doing yourself physical harm, masturbation is GREAT. It's cheap, clean, quick, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing. Anybody who doesn't agree with this simple maxim doesn't have a healthy or realistic attitude about sex.
Their charter doesn't explicitly disapprove of BDSM, but it's clear that most of the people who attend your group do. That's a big problem. It doesn't sound like this group is able to help you since they do.
It also really bothers me that you're going alone. If you and Beth are a couple, it's not just your problem. If she's perfect and it's just your problem, not hers, you don't sound like you're really together. This sounds like isolating, controlling behavior. It strikes me as deeply creepy that your girlfriend would use SA to control you, when handcuffs work so well.
Drama Queen!
You need to go to work for a black pimp, then you will be fucked so much that all your lustful desires will be satisfied and you won't have time to think about your personal life so much.
I think you need to know something only your Domme can tell you:
Has she sent you to SA to send you to SA, presumably as a form of really kinky mindfuck kind of foreplay?
Or has she sent you to SA to keep you from humping the postman?
Does she want you to go to SA or does she want you to change your behavior and thinks SA will help?
You have a right to know this.
Whatever the answer is, you really need to know this before you're really equipped to make a mature considered decision as to whether you want to continue with this program and/or this relationship.
Hi Shannon (or should it be shannon now?),
I agree with the comment before mine about the process you need to undertake with your dominant.
Myself, I don't trust either the label of Sex Addiction or the often well-meaning attempts to treat it. But I don't really know you except through your journal and by following your website over the years and don't see what Beth sees.
I've known some extremely successful Dominant/submissive relationships that have lasted for years and others that have been crash and burn for the submissive. These relationships seem to be no better or worse than vanilla ones. But some submissives friends have been seriously hurt emotionally by their dominants.
There is an excellent Message Board on Collarme (no doubt on other sites too) that can help answer your questions about what it means to be a submissive. It's a free site.
Good luck!
Woodsbunny
Ever think that as a Dom she is trying to really control you by doing this? Some Doms enjoy the instability of mind games, keeping the sub off balance. The sad thing is that many who do this aren't ready for the end game of dramatic instability in the relationship. I have been a dom for a long time and I've seen this kind of thing before.
The reason you go to a program is becasue YOU think you need it not that someone else thinks you need it. Having worked with drug addicts before, it was never the family that got them straight it awas them hitting the wall and looking around saying "WTF" how did I get here? If yo don't think you need help (even if you do) no program is going to help you. And it sounds like from your perspecitive that you are in an unhealthy group. Not supportive but accusing. recommend walking away from that.
Remember, slavery in the "real world" is illegal, you can, at any time, alk away.
I don't see your relationship with Beth as being a healthy Dom/sub relationship Shannon. Too many unhealthy mind games going on. It is one thing for a Dom to tease the sub into sexual fenzy, it is another to wrack their mind the way she is wracking yours.
My thoughts would be to step away form the Lesbian and no body gets a permanent scar...I say it that way becasue it will hurt to do so. BUT there are other Doms, and other relationships. Trust me on that.
I agree with the folks who are telling you to get out of the SA group and find out just why Beth steered you towards it. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not really familiar with how D/s relationships work, but this SA thing sounds like a big mindfuck, and nothing good will come of that.
As for the others who made enlightened suggestions such as you finding yourself a black pimp, I heartily encourage them to drink a hot, frothy mug full of shut the fuck up.
I suppose you could always cybersex and let people have a certain amount of real world control over your actions. I'm game. ;)
Hi Shannon,
Long time fan of TTT, first time commenting..
I myself have battled with a highly active sex drive and the guilt and worry it can cause myself and my partner. When visiting a mental health professional for another matter (bipolar II), the niggling worry of "am I a sex addict" came up.
Now I dunno if you're familiar with the DSM or not. Basically it's the psychiatrist's bible - it lists every so-called "mental disorder" from schizophrenia to sex addiction, along with the criteria that define them. And the final criteria for every disorder is "and it causes the patient significant distress or impairment in everyday life".
So I asked myself "does it?" and I found the resounding answer "NO!". I enjoy being sexual, I have been in a healthy monogamous relationship for 8 years, and together we've explored all manner of intense sexual fantasies and practices, but this hasn't caused any "impairment" or "distress" :)
I would urge you to ignore those who may have hidden moral/religious agendas and look at your relationship and life.
Are you not enjoying it? Is it causing harm to you or others?
If not, then stop worrying, because you don't need help!
If you do see some damaging relationships or habits, maybe talk to a qualified councilor or psychologist. Whatever the case, don't let self-appointed gurus force their idea of "acceptable" sexual behavior on you. To me, being a sexual submissive means surrendering control to a loved and trusted partner, but it doesn't mean you should let a group of misguided strangers tell you how to live your life, or what to do with your body.
Hope things start to get a little clearer for you soon,
Rob
rkirke@hot mail dotcom
PS, Thanks for all the stories - they're still among my favorites of all time
Don't go to SA or any other 12 step program for any one else. Programs like only work if you really want to change and it doesn't seem like you do so don't waste your time.
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