Beth

I've been meaning to make this post for a while now, but for a variety of reasons I keep ending up hesitant after I start to write. I guess the main problem is that during the five years I've had this website I have assured fan after fan, e-mailer after e-mailer, and IMer after IMer that I am indeed a straight, 20-something female woman. I've always rejected the notion that I might be bisexual or a lesbian, even though it has been repeatedly suggested by people that I must be. I remember one of my first online "fans" told me that I "had to be a dyke" because of the stories I write (and love). I got mad at that fan because, for me, the idea of being a lesbian has always been... well, to be honest, it's always made me feel sick.

Now, this isn't to say I've never had lesbian experiences in the past. I have had several, especially while I was (briefly) in college. I've written about some of those experiences here on this site. But even though I went through that, and even though I enjoyed them, I never thought I could actually have a "relationship" with another woman. After all, fans of this site will know this: I love cock. No, that's not right... I don't just "love" cock. I adore it. I always have and I know I always will.

Take, for example, the porn I masturbate to. At least one cock is always involved. I don't think I've ever gotten off on lesbian porn (except for the exceptions). But then people always point out how I seem to obsess over beautiful women, and they take this to mean I must be at least bisexual. And I have always rejected that notion because, you know, a straight woman can at the very least acknowledge another woman's beauty without being gay. Right?

Right.

Sigh. So now we come to the crux of the matter. The reason for this post. And even as I type I find myself wondering if I can actually write about this. And it's not because I'm ashamed, or embarrassed. It's because I just feel so... foreign. Not-like-myself. Odd. But here it goes anyway.

I am in love with a hot, teenage girl.

Yay, I know you're thinking. I know that most fans of this site would think this is a cause for celebration. But please keep in mind, the "teenage girl" in question is a 19-year-old woman who is an out-and-out lesbian. And she loves me. And guess what? I'm really in love with her, too.

Wow... I cannot believe how serious I am about that. Let me say it again, just because it feels good to say: I am in love!

I never thought this would happen. To fall in love with another woman, I mean. But it has happened. I always thought I would always need a cock in the picture in order to be in love. I really did. Then I met Beth...

It started last year, in the Fall. I'll never forget it: I came home from work and one of my roommates was in the common area with this really cute girl. He introduced her to me as his sister. Then he asked if I'd let her sleep in my room that night. See, she was visiting in advance of actually attending the college we live near. I still remember the feeling of her hand when I shook it that first time... shudder. Anyway, Beth's brother (my roommate) was having her over for the weekend, and she was either going to sleep on the couch in the common area or she was going to sleep in his room, on the floor. But that was kind of strange... you know, a brother and sister sleeping in the same room? Awkward! Anyway, I happily told them that she could sleep in mine.

The rest, I guess, is history. Beth slept with me that night, and not on the floor. She shared my bed. And ever since... sigh.

She attends the college I used to attend, now. And she embraces and loves me so much I don't even know what to say. I mean, after all the men I've been with, all the broken hearts and all that, I thought I knew what heartache was. But now, to be away from her for even a few hours... it's excruciating. It's worse than any break-up. It's worse than any un-reciprocated love. Lol, how fucked up is that?!? To be away from her for only a few hours is more painful than any rejection, any ignorance... sigh. That's how much I need her. It is so fucking silly and dumb, but it's true.

Beth is an open, out-of-the-closet lesbian. I don't think I can ever be that, because (and I tell her this constantly) I still love cock. But she accepts me for who I am, good and bad. I have no fucking idea why I deserve to be so lucky as to have her. But like she told me last night, I do have her, so I should just get used to it.

So... well. That's me and Beth. In a nutshell. I don't know what else to say.

-shannon-