Things and More
First:
There were so many thoughtful, emotional replies to my last post that I still have tears in my eyes having read them. There were so many replies, in fact, that I can't respond to them all. I just don't have the time. But to all of you who expressed your understanding and your sympathy: thank you! And to those of you who were jerks: you're a dime a dozen. It's the people that care that are rare.
Second:
I hope I can keep updating this site. I really do. But ever since the site moved off of ASSTR it has been at the mercy of, well... money. I don't have any money. And I don't have the skills (or intelligence) to learn how to get this site to make money. The Storymaster was supposed to do that, but he (understandably-- he just had a baby!) decided to quit working with me. So this site might be gone soon. Shrugs... I'm not sure how to feel about this! I need this site, I love this site... but if it were gone, maybe I'd feel less annoyed. I don't know. I'll probably just act out in wose ways, knowing me.
Third:
I fuck a lot of people. I bet I've fucked more men than most women ever do... I just like it. There. That's me, in a nutshell. I love getting fucked. I love fucking. And I'm a smart girl. You'd think I would take precautions to prevent things like STD's and pregnancy.
And I do. Condoms are King from where I come from. I've never gotten an STD (thank GOD). But about a month ago I got a yeast infection.
I never get these. I mean, I have once before, maybe even twice-- but it's never a big enough deal to warrant seeing a doctor. Well, this time it was. My flow got really heavy, and then I formed this lump near my vagina (right next to the slit). It was all red and nasty... and it hurt, so bad, even from the lightest touch. And it was the lump that scared me the most. I worried that I had vaginal warts or something. I seriously thought it was an STD.0
Inserting tampons became so gross, I won't even write about it. Suffice to say, I watched this "growth" in detail. Not only was it gross, but it hurt. Touching it hurt. And it was so close to my... well, you get the idea. Anything that had to do with my pussy hurt because of that little fucker. I wanted to pop it like a zit, but even the slightest contact made me scream in pain. It was so close to my entry that fucking got undescribably painful.
Then it went away. I mean, one day it was there, the next it was gone. And I was happy! Whoo-hoo! But I had made an appointment with my gynocologist. He inspected me, ruled out any STD (yes!), but then said I had a yeast infection. I was so relived, you have no idea!!!
He gave me prescriptions. That should have been that. But then he said that he "might as well" give me a "full" exam.
So he did. And he found out I'm pregnant.
Okay. I've been pregnant twice before. The first time I was only 11-years-old, so that doesn't count. The second time was about a year ago (I only told a few people-- those of that I told who are reading this know who you are). Both times I had abortions.
This time... what the fuck is a girl to do?
I'm not even supposed to be able to get pregnant. But I am. My doctor fingered (I mean, examined) me for a good while, ruled out any STD, prescribed medicine (don't ask) for the yeast infection, and then gave me the supposedly good news.
I find out on Wednesday how far along I am. I'm actually curious. My doc said that I'm at least seven weeks along now, though, which rules out... well. Well.
So I'm pregnant.
The father of this child could be anyone. That doesn't... I mean it does, but like, it doesn't, really, concern me.
I can't abort this one. I can't. Please don't try to tell me I can. I have to give birth to this baby. I can feel her inside me already; I didn't feel this the other times. I have to let her come out, and experience. Experience.
I can't keep her though. Hell no. I wish I could. It breaks my heart that I can't.
I think I'd be a good mother. I really think so.
I would love her. I do love her. And I'd know how to protect her. It would be like... I could go back, and defend myself. I could like, you know... be for her what I never had.
But how selfish would it be for me to keep her? How can I keep her? I can't. I'm so... crazy. She deserves more. Better. She deserves better.
I'm going to be a mom. That's so fucked... up. So...
I know that I really can't, but I think that I can feel her moving around in me right now. This makes me smile. It makes me smile.
-shannon-
There were so many thoughtful, emotional replies to my last post that I still have tears in my eyes having read them. There were so many replies, in fact, that I can't respond to them all. I just don't have the time. But to all of you who expressed your understanding and your sympathy: thank you! And to those of you who were jerks: you're a dime a dozen. It's the people that care that are rare.
Second:
I hope I can keep updating this site. I really do. But ever since the site moved off of ASSTR it has been at the mercy of, well... money. I don't have any money. And I don't have the skills (or intelligence) to learn how to get this site to make money. The Storymaster was supposed to do that, but he (understandably-- he just had a baby!) decided to quit working with me. So this site might be gone soon. Shrugs... I'm not sure how to feel about this! I need this site, I love this site... but if it were gone, maybe I'd feel less annoyed. I don't know. I'll probably just act out in wose ways, knowing me.
Third:
I fuck a lot of people. I bet I've fucked more men than most women ever do... I just like it. There. That's me, in a nutshell. I love getting fucked. I love fucking. And I'm a smart girl. You'd think I would take precautions to prevent things like STD's and pregnancy.
And I do. Condoms are King from where I come from. I've never gotten an STD (thank GOD). But about a month ago
I never get these. I mean, I have once before, maybe even twice-- but it's never a big enough deal to warrant seeing a doctor. Well, this time it was. My flow got really heavy, and then I formed this lump near my vagina (right next to the slit). It was all red and nasty... and it hurt, so bad, even from the lightest touch. And it was the lump that scared me the most. I worried that I had vaginal warts or something. I seriously thought it was an STD.0
Inserting tampons became so gross, I won't even write about it. Suffice to say, I watched this "growth" in detail. Not only was it gross, but it hurt. Touching it hurt. And it was so close to my... well, you get the idea. Anything that had to do with my pussy hurt because of that little fucker. I wanted to pop it like a zit, but even the slightest contact made me scream in pain. It was so close to my entry that fucking got undescribably painful.
Then it went away. I mean, one day it was there, the next it was gone. And I was happy! Whoo-hoo! But I had made an appointment with my gynocologist. He inspected me, ruled out any STD (yes!), but then said I had a yeast infection. I was so relived, you have no idea!!!
He gave me prescriptions. That should have been that. But then he said that he "might as well" give me a "full" exam.
So he did. And he found out I'm pregnant.
Okay. I've been pregnant twice before. The first time I was only 11-years-old, so that doesn't count. The second time was about a year ago (I only told a few people-- those of that I told who are reading this know who you are). Both times I had abortions.
This time... what the fuck is a girl to do?
I'm not even supposed to be able to get pregnant. But I am. My doctor fingered (I mean, examined) me for a good while, ruled out any STD, prescribed medicine (don't ask) for the yeast infection, and then gave me the supposedly good news.
I find out on Wednesday how far along I am. I'm actually curious. My doc said that I'm at least seven weeks along now, though, which rules out... well. Well.
So I'm pregnant.
The father of this child could be anyone. That doesn't... I mean it does, but like, it doesn't, really, concern me.
I can't abort this one. I can't. Please don't try to tell me I can. I have to give birth to this baby. I can feel her inside me already; I didn't feel this the other times. I have to let her come out, and experience. Experience.
I can't keep her though. Hell no. I wish I could. It breaks my heart that I can't.
I think I'd be a good mother. I really think so.
I would love her. I do love her. And I'd know how to protect her. It would be like... I could go back, and defend myself. I could like, you know... be for her what I never had.
But how selfish would it be for me to keep her? How can I keep her? I can't. I'm so... crazy. She deserves more. Better. She deserves better.
I'm going to be a mom. That's so fucked... up. So...
I know that I really can't, but I think that I can feel her moving around in me right now. This makes me smile. It makes me smile.
-shannon-
Labels: stuff about me
posted by Shannon at 11:25 PM
73 Comments:
You can legally get an abortion up to 6 months, although 3 months is the norm in most states. Religiously (according to the Talmud) a baby doesn't have a soul until birth, but abortions are frowned upon unless they'll cause harm to the mother. Life is values largely to extend the family line, not because of some greater Biblical morality.
Personally I think you could go either way on the abortion, especially since you aren't in any condition to take care of a child. I know you want to want to be the mother you never had, but most parents do (and fail). You've said it before: the middle class is being squeezed and we’re all working longer hours - if we can find a job. If you can, then its pays dirt bottom.
If you decide to go through with the pregnancy, please give it up for adoption. If you don't, I think you're chances of finishing school and getting out of the sex industry is nil. With the added stress, you'll only spiral down into drug addiction and dangerous prostitution. You'll risk bringing more pain to your baby than happiness.
I've been coming to this site for several years now. Almost as long as this site has existed actually. I've always found the people on this site to be very knowledgable and thoughtful.
Right now, these last two post are some of the most emotional things I've read on this site.
Several months ago, I had my first scare when my girlfriend at the time thought she was pregnant. It honestly scared the hell out of me. I thought my life was over. When she turned out not to be, it was probably the most relieved I've felt in my whole life. You're post just reminded me of that episode of my life.
Whatever you decide to do, I advise you to NOT keep the baby. At this point in your life, it doesn't sound like a good idea for you or the child.
On your previous post, it is honestly sad. I have nothing against prostitution; I've known girls who have done it themselves. But you don't sound like you're really regretting doing it every night. It is never a good idea to stay involved in something, be it a relationship, job, hobby, or habit, if it makes you feel horrible about yourself. I think everyone on this site knows you will do what you want. But we also want you to be happy in what you are doing.
I hope you keep this site in some form. I know I'd feel sad if it shut down.
Best of wishes to you.
Peace, Love, Empathy,
R.M.K.
P.S. if you wish to respond, email rememberthistyme@yahoo.com
I've been coming to this site for several years now. Almost as long as this site has existed actually. I've always found the people on this site to be very knowledgable and thoughtful.
Right now, these last two post are some of the most emotional things I've read on this site.
Several months ago, I had my first scare when my girlfriend at the time thought she was pregnant. It honestly scared the hell out of me. I thought my life was over. When she turned out not to be, it was probably the most relieved I've felt in my whole life. You're post just reminded me of that episode of my life.
Whatever you decide to do, I advise you to NOT keep the baby. At this point in your life, it doesn't sound like a good idea for you or the child.
On your previous post, it is honestly sad. I have nothing against prostitution; I've known girls who have done it themselves. But you don't sound like you're really regretting doing it every night. It is never a good idea to stay involved in something, be it a relationship, job, hobby, or habit, if it makes you feel horrible about yourself. I think everyone on this site knows you will do what you want. But we also want you to be happy in what you are doing.
I hope you keep this site in some form. I know I'd feel sad if it shut down.
Best of wishes to you.
Peace, Love, Empathy,
R.M.K.
P.S. if you wish to respond, email rememberthistyme@yahoo.com
Do what feels right.
Follow your heart, and phuck everybody else.
Take care of yourself.
BTW - My ex-wife gave me a yeast infection(yes, guys can get the external part) and I know how much they suck. ;0)
Hi, Shannon!
First I'd like to correct you on one point:
"And to those of you who were jerks: you're a dime a dozen. It's the people that care that are rare."
I think it's those who are jerks who are in an insignificant minority, here. But jerks are the loudest, and so it SEEMS there are a lot of them. Empty barrels rattle most. Normally we don't notice as much the people who actually care, or would care, if we let them. But people care, Shannon. And we aren't few.
Second, no one but you can decide what to do about the baby. You do what feels right. It sounds like you want to give the baby away for adoption, and that's probably best. I don't doubt for a minute that you'd make a good mother given the proper resources, but where you are right now it would be difficult. Both for you and the baby. Giving her up for adoption is probably not going to be easy, though.
Third, I hope you won't be off line permanently, because I'll always want to know that you're ok. (And, more selfishly, I want to read more TTT :p )
Take care, Shannon. I wish you the best.
-Tsuba
Which means you got pregnant around the same time my wife did. Been through it to term before, will be doing it over the next few months. Best of luck, ask of you need answers, I am terribly overeducated on the subject.
Kodiak
Shannon,
It is good to hear that your have a focus in life, the baby growing in you. Now you need to make plans.
Naturally if you are going to have the baby, you won't be able to continue stripping and tricking for long, both because your body will not be suitable to those activities when you are further along, as well those activities could be harmful to your child.
On the forum when you first discussed doing Amateur night, a poster made the point that if you decided to be in the adult entertainment industry that you need to make a plan. Of course that poster was also trying to steer you away from the idea all together, but his point about making a business plan still holds.
We are all rooting for you Shannon. We have all come to love you as a person and wish you only the best in life. If you ever need someone to talk to, I offer my ear. losdac@yahoo.com
los
Shannon,
It is good to hear that your have a focus in life, the baby growing in you. Now you need to make plans.
Naturally if you are going to have the baby, you won't be able to continue stripping and tricking for long, both because your body will not be suitable to those activities when you are further along, as well those activities could be harmful to your child.
On the forum when you first discussed doing Amateur night, a poster made the point that if you decided to be in the adult entertainment industry that you need to make a plan. Of course that poster was also trying to steer you away from the idea all together, but his point about making a business plan still holds.
We are all rooting for you Shannon. We have all come to love you as a person and wish you only the best in life. If you ever need someone to talk to, I offer my ear. losdac@yahoo.com
los
you can do it. i'm not a pro-lifer, but i have faith in people's ability to do what they want to do and what they feel drawn to. if it feels right to you to have this baby, have it. you will be ok, and you will find a way to get by when you can't trick/strip anymore. the hardest part will be to resist the urge to trick/strip after the baby is born.
i totally feel you on the yeast infection zit scare. i get those when i'm yeasty and i always freka out and think i have herpes. i'm glad it turned out to be ok. in the future, did you know you can put a clove of garlic up there and it will kill the yeast? for a mild infection. just sleep with one in. :)
you're gonna be ok. don't be afraid to try to make your life into what you want it to be. i don't know you, but you seem smart and passionate. i know you can do it.
*hug*
Wow, I totally didn't see this coming. First, I didn't expect to hear from Shannon again, ever; it's good to hear, but what news!
Well, like some already here said, the baby will interfere with your stripping and prostitution, your only sources of income right now. Within a few weeks, you will be noticeably pregnant, in a few months, it will no longer be safe for the baby to fuck.
I know you want to keep this baby, and I really sympathise. We all want the best for you. But you know that keeping it is not the best for you. If you plan on keeping it, I don't know how you will be able to afford doing so. How will you feed it? Where will you get baby clothes, diapers, a roof over your head without money? Your baby will have a horrible life.
If you decide to keep the baby to term, but put it up for adoption, well, that's not a good idea either. For one, the pregnancy will ruin your body: stretch marks, saggy breasts and either a c-section scar or a loose.. you know what. This is not good if you plan to use your body to earn money. Plus, you may decide you want to keep the baby when it is born out of emotional attachment.
Which, really, leaves abortion as the only alternative. Believe me, I've been reading your diary, then your blog, religiously since you started writing. I want nothing more than for you to have a healthy, happy baby and be a great mother. But that can't happen.
In the end, it's your decision. On the plus side, you could do preggo porn!
Take care,
Aurum
Shannon,
I think there's been enough reasons given as to why it would be a bad idea to keep the baby, and a few good reasons as to why you shouldn't have the baby (especially Aurum's comment right before this one... although he does sort of contradict himself by saying it won't be safe to fuck much longer because of the baby, but you could do preggo porn... those women are usually about to drop the baby and they're still fucking...)
One thing though, no one seems to have noticed... why do you say in your blog that since you're 7 weeks along that rules out abortion? Is it a personal thing? or did you think you couldn't get one that late? Another thing I was wondering about... you said a month ago when you had your yeast infection your flow was heavy... can chicks still have periods if they're 3 weeks pregnant? I've never heard of that happening, but then, I'm probably one of the least knowledgeable people out there on the subject...
Anyways, I really hope things work out in a way that you're happy with (if that's possible at this point)... And I just wanna jump in here with everyone else and let you know that I'm hoping you'll make it through this alright too...
-Dogmeat
Shannon,
I think there's been enough reasons given as to why it would be a bad idea to keep the baby, and a few good reasons as to why you shouldn't have the baby (especially Aurum's comment right before this one... although he does sort of contradict himself by saying it won't be safe to fuck much longer because of the baby, but you could do preggo porn... those women are usually about to drop the baby and they're still fucking...)
One thing though, no one seems to have noticed... why do you say in your blog that since you're 7 weeks along that rules out abortion? Is it a personal thing? or did you think you couldn't get one that late? Another thing I was wondering about... you said a month ago when you had your yeast infection your flow was heavy... can chicks still have periods if they're 3 weeks pregnant? I've never heard of that happening, but then, I'm probably one of the least knowledgeable people out there on the subject...
Anyways, I really hope things work out in a way that you're happy with (if that's possible at this point)... And I just wanna jump in here with everyone else and let you know that I'm hoping you'll make it through this alright too...
-Dogmeat
Go and look up adoption resources online. There's a ton of good sites, and if abortion isn't the option, then the other a-word - adoption - may be.
Aurum, you can't have been reading Shannon's postings THAT frequently, since you obviously missed:
"I can't keep her though. Hell no. I wish I could. It breaks my heart that I can't."
She's referring, of course, to adoption. It seems that this option has completely slipped your mind in your comment, and it's a perfectly valid option. She's made it clear that she doesn't feel right about aborting this one, so in my opinion, advice to do so is the worst advice she can get. I'm a pro-choice guy myself, but abortions can be difficult enough even for a woman who [i]wants[/i] to abort. If a woman wants to carry the baby, then that choice should be respected just as much. It's not for anyone of us to tell her to abort or not, because we're not the ones who have to endure it, whatever the choice. But what I am most concerned about, is the fact that Shannon's been on the pill during some 7 weeks of pregnancy. I hope the baby is fine, and it probably is. But Shannon, since you want to carry the baby to full term, you should ease up on alcohol consumption *shakes admonishing finger*
-Tsuba
Religiously. I meant religiously (not frequently). :p
-Tsuba
What you must be going through now. Is it black or white? Will it have HIV or some other STD? And as a young child, she can write an essay in school, "My momma's a ho." then the logical follow-up, "I don't know who my daddy is."
When she gets into her teens you can make some big green by farming her out to porn movies. You can teach her the ropes of the hooker trade. A family tradition. You go girl.
This is an adult site, BTDT. Shouldn't you be somewhere else?
-Tsuba
to shannon, all that i can say
is, be well, and know that you
are loved, the rest of my thoughts,
you know well,
to all with helpful advice,
i too, would help, in any
way possible, ...
to all with hurtful advice,
... how dare you ...
how do you sleep?
what nightmares fill your inner world?
what anger?
what resentment?
what spite?
may you be returned, nine-fold, the hurtful spirit you spread,
...........................
i have known and held in
sobbing tears too many who
have been hurt, thusly,
too many,
shadow,
I'll start off with a "Shannon, to all of us who weren't dicks to you and showed we cared, you're quite welcome." I think I can speak for most of us when I say that.
It's kinda strange, pregnancy. Women who are scared shitless about it and who've had abortions in the past or have always planned on abortions for some reason don't get them. I suppose it's the whole motherly thing...
Anyway, I wouldn't suggest (personally) that you deal with the abortion. You're already emotionally attatched to this baby, which is only a couple months along. I'm more concerned with what will happen when the baby is born. Women develope this extremely close bond with their children during the course of the pregnancy. More to the point, that bond gets much tighter when the baby is actually born. Do you really think you can give the child away? Or is it more 'should' than 'could'? You said it yourself, you could probably be a great mom. If you're the good person in person that you've shown to be online, I'd agree.
I hope you do the right thing for you. Not the 'right thing' as in give away the baby, or the 'right thing' as in keep it, or even the 'right thing' as in aborting it. Do what you're most comfortable with: it's pregnancy, I don't think anybody can blame you for taking the most comfortable and wanted path. If you do decide to ultimately give birth to the kid, then I offer a deep bow because you're a brave woman. Maybe this baby'll be the emotional attachment you've needed to provide some hold on your life?
Just things to think about, I suppose.
-Void
First, I’ll start by saying that all of us posting here to show support greatly outweigh those jerk-off’s who aren’t. It’s already been mentioned, but it’s a good thing to know.
Now, for the real meat of my post.
You don’t want an abortion, right? You actually have an existing emotional attachment to this child that you didn’t have before, right? Over the course of this pregnancy, then, a lot of changes are going to happen. You’ll probably find that as you grow more and more attached to the child growing in you that you’ll want less and less to be around stripping and tricking. It’s making money, but as has been mentioned it gets more and more unsafe the further along the pregnancy goes. But here’s the most important part.
If you do decide to keep the child, what will you do when you give birth to the baby? Will you be able to support it? Nobody here has honest doubts that you can be a good mom. I personally believe that you can even make it through the financial issues currently existing to -be- that good mom. Giving the child away, though, after nine months of physical and emotional growth is going to be near impossible and it’ll tear you apart mentally/emotionally. I’ve seen women’s life crumble into drug-abuse and dangerous living because they felt like they had nothing left to live for, if they couldn’t even live for their child.
Do you want to keep that baby? Yes, that’s been made obvious. You want to give birth to this child, you want to be a good mom, and you want your kid to grow up well. Going to back to school’s going to be extremely hard (physically and financially, as you’ll be stressed out of your mind and dirt poor…again); can your current job support a child and school? Are you even worried about going back to school anymore? What else can you do that would get you money? I think the porn industry (should you stick with the sex-for-money deal) is looking much better if only for the aforementioned safety issues involved: porn stars have contracts, lawyers, and knowledgeable people around them to help out. During your pregnancy, you -will- need an at least somewhat safer environment to work, for your baby’s sake.
On the other hand, maybe this child is the emotional ‘rock’ you need to get a hold on your life. Maybe being a mom is what you need to give you a solid focus, something to work for. I can’t speak for others (and in fact an opposite opinion’s been posted above), but it is possible to be a better parent than your parent. I have a lot of respect for my own dad just because of that.
Just some things to think about, hope my question’s jog an idea as to what’s best for you, whatever that is. As a parting note, please remember that we’re not your only friends. You’ve still got friends in person, and their help right now could be a blessing, despite the initial (potential) embarrassment of informing them you’re pregnant.
Good luck,
-Void
-sigh- Ignore the first version, call it a 'rough draft'. Damned trigger-happy enter key...
Shannon:
I am saddened by your recent development. I pray that you will be shown a guiding light and make the best choices (or at least better ones) going forward.
It is sad because it is a reflection of the society we live in: too much indulgence in individual freedom (vs. guidance), in short term satisfaction (vs. longer term well being), and in personal consumption (vs. sacrifice for the future). Not that these things are bad but there needs to be some balance. This is the dark side of capitalism (whose hall-marks are individual “freedom” and individual consumption) and contemporary media culture (where everything is solved within a half-hour episode) that we live in. This society is quickly creating a self-perpetuating class of proletariats.
Shannon, I hope and pray that you will get your life together. And may I suggest that you need help. You need some guidance from some individual/organization who will act responsibly and maturely and who does not want to take advantage of you. You may have to sacrifice some individual freedom in exchange. But you need some structure in your life.
There are plenty of such people/opportunities around. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door should be opened.
I volunteer to do what I can to help. The least I can do is to share with you my thoughts and experiences. I am a management consultant who works with the very senior level officers of Fortune 500 companies. On both professional and personal level, I dealt with crises and managed turn-arounds. Please feel free to write me.
Sincerely
Zhi Nan, zhinan888@yahoo.com
Wow.. I didn't see the last post coming. Shannon, I've been keeping up with your post and life for quite a while.
I've two sides much like you, while one side I'm an MD, the other I surf the net for subjects like ones on your site. Maybe I'm just an in-the-closet prevert.
Whatever...
But reading your last two post, I'm very worried about you from the professional MD side.
Shannon, this is a major change in your life. Pregnancy, child birth, and having a baby is a major, major undertaking. Be absolutely, absolutely sure that you want to go through with this.
To carry out a safe pregnancy, you'll have to make a lot of sarfices. Basically, from what I've read you'll pretty much have to change your entire lifestyle. No more stripping, no more smoking, no more partying, no drugs, no alcohol, and absolutely no mmore prostitution. Catching an STD during pregnancy, exposure to tobacco smoke, alcohol, and/or illit drugs could have devastating effects on the normal development of a fetus. You have to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and getting proper nutrition to ensure that the fetus developes normally.
Believe me, during my residency, I have delivered and taken care a lot babies that because of various prenatal insults, either born very premature or with horrible deformations. I have taken care of a few babies that were born without a brain, babies so premature that they weigh less than 500 grams. In the NICU, I have seen numerous babies died terrible deaths.
If you want to keep this pregnancy, you definitely do not want to subject your baby to the above torment. It's your decision. The cold hard medical fact is that YOU WILL NEED to change your lifestyle now for the sake of the fetus that you are carrying.
Now you must decide. I'm being straight-up with you. Are you attempting to have this baby because you are influenced by your current situation. You are heartbroken the two men Paul and Matt in your recent life has abandoned you, along with all the others in the past. You feel alone in this world, you feel unloved, unwanted, uncare for, and un-needed. Are you having this baby hoping that this baby will fill those holes? If so, you are having this baby for all the WRONG reasons.
Think it over carefully...
Pleasen talk to me loki2486@gmail.com
Loki
oh my god, shannon...and now?
Shannon your life is best described with "reality is stranger than fiction".
I'm realy sorry that your page will go down.
Have the baby, but brake the circle and give her away to some nice people. Let her/him enjoy in things you couldn't.
Love, Dominik
Shannon,
I can only speak from my experience, but I guess I should say that one reason I've been an anonymous lurker for many months (until recently) is because your experiences -- including the early abuse and adolescent pregnancy -- closely, chillingly parallel those of one of my very closest loved ones. For what its worth, then...
I support your decision to give your baby up for adoption if you fear you'll be unable to give it the care and support (both mental and physical) that it will need. I'm not a fear-based guy, and I normally actually find myself fighting the constrictions that fear brings in both myself and others, but I have learned from this person whom I love deeply that sometimes what others dismiss as an irrational fear is actually rooted in an instinctive wisdom about yourself or the situation. I guess you've got several months to think it over, but I sense that you already have a great deal of love for your child-to-be, and I know that whatever you decide (keeping it or giving it up for adoption) will be a decision made not out of self-interest, but out of love for your child and whatever you think will be best for it and its future.
That said, even if you DO decide on adoption, I would like to suggest that you start to think about what you want your child to find if/when she or he decides they want to find you, their birth mother. Next to actually giving birth, it will potentially be one of the most momentous occasions in their and/or your life, and you have the power right now to decide how that event goes down in their memory.
Sorry if I sound "parental" myself about any of this -- that's not my intent. But it's evident from your posts that A). you're confident about what you know about yourself, B). you know there are things that you DON'T know about yourself (which occasionally surprise and alarm you), but C). both of those aside, you know you now have to make some tough, adult decisions because the situation has changed and there is now someone depending on you who is truly deserving of your love, as well as loving decisions made on their behalf. Consequently, I don't think I'm saying anything you don't already know yourself -- I'm just trying to support what you yourself have either said or implied.
I wish to heaven that you had a better model to draw on than what you've been exposed to in your life, but the good news is that you now get to re-define the life of your child's mother on your own terms -- you can choose to keep or discard any or all of what has gone before. I suggest you look at yourself with the same love you would have for your own daughter, and give your life those things you would wish for hers.
We're all rooting for you, Shannon. (Well, those of us who are human, at any rate.) Know that you have support, and dare to do what you think is best.
Evan
Shannon,
This is an odd coincidence, but my gf just found out on thursday that she is pregnant. So, (even though the male side of this kind of situation is much different then the womens) I can understand what you are going through.
I know that there is nothing that I can say that you havent heard, or want to hear. You are probably sick of hearing everyone give you their two cents. I know that my girlfriend is.
But I felt the need to offer my support - judgement and advice free. You are the only one really going through this, and you are the only one that knows what is the right decision for you and your future.
I figured that I could offer my ears (or eyes due to the medium of comunication). If my girlfriend is any example, you probably could really use someone to talk to, and the fact that you dont know me could make it much easier for you.
By the tone and wording of your last post, you sound really really depressed. Please, drop me line. I am going through a pretty similar situation myself, and it might feel good to get somethings of your mind.
Whatever you decide to do, take care of yourself.
skifree108@yahoo.com
I was going to do some long detail about medical stuff, instead scroll back up and read Loki's post, he hits it all on the head much better than I could have.
What I am going to say is that you should get your ass to the financial aid office of your college right now and get going on getting what ever is needed, loans, grants, scholarships, whatever to get back into school. Star is poison in this situaiton, pure poison. Get into an environment that you can control. Get away from Leo and the other three guys who gang raped you. Get away from Star who has already demonstrated a complete inability to cope with the problems you will be encountering.
Kodiak
Shannon...
I don't really know what to say, but I've been coming to this site since it was on ASSTR, and the days when you were typing your diary up as webpages.
Stay safe. If you're sure in your heart about having this baby, then have it. But unless you are financially okay, and can give this baby a secure life, I'm not sure if keeping it is the best idea, and I think you're aware of that. I can't imagine how hard it would be for you to give up your child, but if you are determined to have it, then what is best for the baby must become the main consideration.
Prostitution, though... I know you didn't want to hear criticisms, but whilst I'm not ethically or religiously against prostitution I can't help but think you can do so very much better than this. Loving sex, even to the point of directing your life around it is fine, but... well, I can't help feel from what you're writing that this is not the life you want for yourself. I think you need to decide whether it is. maybe going back to the other, 'posher' club is a good start.
Be positive, stay true to yourself, but don't get complacent, please. Don't let this sort of life become routine, because the minute it does, you could end up mired in it for years. And I think you know that you can do better than this. The only think stopping you is the how.
Stay safe. Whatever happens, you're a genuinely wonderful woman. You rock.
Shannon, I am rooting for you!! You can do whatever you set your mind to. And If you love this baby I know you'll make a great mother.
Website be damned!! Do what's best for you and your daughter!
KJ
Shannon, think long and hard what is the most important things that you feel were missing from your childhood....can you provide this for your child? it is not all about the 9 to 5 job, significant other or the 3 bedroom house.
The most important things I feel are unconditional love, compassion, protection, stability, freedom to be their own person, and understanding that no matter how perfect I try to be for them, they are their own person and what makes me happy may not make them happy. Just think about what should of been given to you, and if you can give that to your baby. Because I will tell you what, loving your own kids, is the best thing in this entire exsistance, hey, :) its even better than sex!
Hi Shannon,
It's always good to hear from you. Your cup has been overflowing recently, hasn't it?
The posts above mine offer all kinds of advice so I won't try to add any more.
I know two women who had to give up their babies when they were born. Both women's daughters found them, years later, when the daughters had grown. For the women having their daughters find them again was incredibly moving. That event has made the very hard choice the women had to make years earlier be worthwhile.
Good luck always.
Woodsbunny
A teacher of mine said something about this subject once that's for the most part pretty true. "They always come back."
-Void
You can only do what you feel to be right.
If you are still undecided, then find people you trust and talk it over with them. Then make your decision on that, but hurry!
Get all the assistance you can, it might be the opportunity to start afresh, assuming you want to! But whatever you decide, stay safe.
Why let this be a bad point in your life? It would be easy to get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but why take the easy way out?
The birth of a child can be a powerful thing. Use this episode in your life as a turning point, not a repeat of what happened before. Use the pregnancy as a reason to get your life on track and as a way to be where you want to be.
This is easy for me to say as I am not you, in the end best of luck in whatever you decide.
With this line I mark the past
As a symbol of my beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
I have never wanted more.
If the site does go 'full circle', back to asstr; perhaps you can make sure all the pages/files can be backed up to CD for future re-use first.
Like others, I've read for ... some time. From asstr to f-f.net.
When I think of 'Shannon' the first thing I think of is how you introduced me to Liz Phair, through your writing. It gave me a new person to listen to and I thank you for that.
I think of the college girl taking some time out for a while but who'll one day go on to medical school and become a psychiatrist.
I think of the girl who though she sometimes despairs at some decisions she makes; learns more about herself each time. Sometimes using others as a sounding board be it friends, therapists or people that care with whom you've connected over cyberspace.
I don't think of a victim or a predator, a sinner nor a saint. Just a multi-faceted person making their way through life.
I do admit to feeling a definite sadness about some things in the last few entries. Not due to condemnation for the directions you took but because you wrote as if you felt not unhappy... but wretched. It made me sad you feel you might be in such a place. I did not think 'that was that' - you are as always a good person. Many are still here; you are still here. And there are people hoping you will cope well with things you face.
A lot of people have made clear they are not walking away. Some have been fair weather friends. Others still, clearly care but are not strong enough to stand beside you. I hope of the many people sticking around they shall all be sufficient to act as a sounding board, a supportive ear.
You've received lots of advice these last few entries.
Like others, I have my own to add:
Be well.
Ohhh Please
if you have followed half the posts of events.
..I am more and more coming to the re-assurance that this is some guy that has been stringing you along (who knows mabye its even me haha haha)
you still believe this is a girl after all this time...doubt it
Indeed this is 100% fake. Girls who are pregnant don't have their periods! Read over it again if you don't have a clue what i'm talking about.
ah, well, i am probably one
of the most diligent readers
who has taken the time to study
all of shannon's writings and stories,
i have been reading her postings on
the forum since inception,
and even before that,
and, normally i wouldnt even deign
this comment with a response mainly because the spirit of the person
writing it is not someone whom
i feel has any real sensitivity,
but, well, though it might actually
be true, ...
i mean, this is the internet,
so, in theory, anyone could be on
the other side,
but, the sense and sensitivities
that i have felt from shannon
from the very beginning,
speak to me of a real girl who
is living a real life,
shadow,
btw, to ANON with the "be well"
advice,
nice post ... well said,
I don't lack sensitivity but I do posses and overabundance of logic.
oh, you'll probably bash me for my typo and missed comma, right... ?
never ...
and, well, i cant say i
have a response to your point,
Shannon,
You sound pretty selfish to me. Having a baby because you want to keep it, without a thought to what sort of life you would be bringing the child into is pure selfishness. You want to give it the life YOU never had, not the life that would be best for the child. The best reason to have a child is to create a life that will have a positive effect on society, not fulfill some dream you have.
Call me a jerk if you wish to, but bringing a child into a life of strip clubs and prostitution is not fair to the child at all.
If you want another opinion, I suggest you call Dr. Laura. She won’t water down reality like your other posters have.
Hmm... anonymous has a bit of a point. Let's look at the timeline:
Shannon goes to the doctor, by which time her 'yeast-zit' or whatever has disappeared. The doctor reveals that she is at least 7 weeks along. This was posted on March 27th.
However, Shannon also mentions that 'it hurt while putting tampons in'. This means shannon had to have gotten her period with this 'yeast zit' at least 8, more likely 9 weeks ago.
In her 'Regulars' post from March 21st, Shannon reveals that she has quit the high-class club where she works, and moved in with Star, but that she 'hates children'. In the 'Things and More' post, she states that she'd be a great mother. Hence, she found out she was pregnant in the week between March 21st and 27th.
That puts the date of her becoming pregnant and the yeast infection that came before it to before the date of her February 7th post. This mysterious yeast infection wasn't mentioned back in that post. Shannon also mentions having sex with Matt during that post, there was no mention of sex during the January 29th post.
Therefore, it's possible that Shannon most likely got pregnant between January 29th and February 7th.
The possible timeline is therefore
January 29th or before - Shannon gets a yeast infection
January 29th to February 7th - Shannon gets period, touching pussy hurts, etc.
Jan 29th to Feb 7th - Shannon gets pregnant, possibly by Matt
February 7th to March 21st - Shannon quits job at high class club, becomes prostitute working from lower class club
March 21st - March 27th - Shannon's yeast infection clears up on it's own by the time she sees a doctor, who examines her and tells her she's pregnant.
The inconsistencies instantly becomes obvious:
1. why would Shannon screw Matt while this thing made sex hurt.
2. Why would this Matt guy sleep with a girl with an obvious lesion on her vulva
3. Why would shannon pick a painful yeast infection as the time to start a prostitution career?
4. Why did Shannon not tell us about the yeast infection during the March 21st post where she confessed to prostitution?
Hmmm....
-Aurum
As an afterthought, several things have occured to me:
1. Like Shadow said, the 'net is anonymous, so 'Shannon' could be anyone.
2. 'Shannon' could even be a girl. It could even be a girl named Shannon. But somewhere along the way, fiction perhaps got more interesting to post than truth.
3. Real life rarely follows literary form. Yet, in these last few posts, we have a clear climax:
a) the end of the ff website
b) shannon sliding into a life of prostitution
c) shannon becoming pregnant
Doesn't this seem like the way a tragic movie would end? For that same reason, it is unlikely to be true...
Consider also that after the 'prostitution' post, many commentators still expressed hope that the 'shannon' character might pull out of this miserable situation. I suspect that with the end of the ff.net website, the author wanted to wrap up the 'shannon' character's story arc as having finally debased herself to the end by becoming a prostitute. But the fans wouldn't let her.
So, the author needed to wrap up the story in another way. But how to do that? the 'Shannon' character's depressive streak offered the option of suicide, but then how would 'Shannon' post about it subsequently? The option is for 'Shannon' to become a single and pregnant prostitute, a college dropout, etc. Essentially, a person with no future and no hope. Moreover, a person who we reasonably shouldn't expect to hear from again.
It's all too perfect. Ladies and gentlement, we've been had.
-Aurum
Alright, so the last two posts do have a sense of a downward spiral. But that doesn't have to mean that the entire set-up is a fake.
Aurum - good logic, but there are inconsistencies in your reading of things too.
Probably the biggest misinterpretation in your logic concerns the yeast infection, something that happened not (as you suggested) just before Shannon GOT pregnant, but rather just before she FOUND OUT she was pregnant. Therefore the date of the yeast infection can be pushed back to more recently (although if it started whilst Shannon was working the club wouldn't it hurt to be doing her new job?)
Anyway, the other thing is that "Shannon" never claimed to be called Shannon - it was always an alias (I know you got that, but it needed reiterating).
Whether Shannon is really a guy pretending... I have severe doubts about that. Given the nature and character of the posts, of TTT, of her various articles on the website, it would appear more likely for her to be a genuine woman. I might be wrong, but given the length of time Shannon's been around, you'd have thought if she were a he there would have been a slip-up before.
Plus I'd like to make a small point that I think is very important. Whatever you think of the last two posts Shannon made, in a way it doesn't matter whether this is ficticious or not. We are in all likelihood never going to meet. By coming to this site and reading the blog, we buy into 'Shannon''s story, whether we believe it to be true or not. And it doesn't matter whether it is or not, what matters is whether you want to give the emotional investment. If you care about Shannon, then she is as real in your own mind as anyone. If you don't care, then it doesn't matter whether she's real or not. The people encouraging Shannon are not wasting their time as they are maintaining their following of Shannon's story, and doing exactly what is right for them.
To the person who said pregnant women can't get periods, you obviously haven't known too many pregnant women in your life have you. I knew 2 girls in fact who didnt know they were pregnant until 2 months and 3 months respectively WITH active periods. Pregnancies differ form woman to woman. That HAD to be a guy who said THAT shit because I would think a female would know better. Shannon said how much she liked sex so as long as the guy was wearing a condom (he wouldn't likely get a yeast infection) and the bump near her vagina wasnt the size of a quarter, The pain would be up to her to tolerate to trade for the pleasure of sex. I would also think she wouldn't have mentioned the yeast infection simply because I am sure she figured it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I mean jeez, would you want her to start posting everytime she gets a pimple or takes a shit? Get over it. These are all arguable points. I mean yes technically this COULD be all be bullshit but then again so could EVERY blog on the net! Its like following any religion or something you believe in, you gotta have faith until somebody comes along and lays the bare facts in your face either proving or disproving your belief.
"The best reason to have a child is to create a life that will have a positive effect on society, not fulfill some dream you have."
Damn, I didn't know we were having kinds for other people's sakes now. I always thought it was because the person felt they were ready to birth a child...damn was I wrong. -rolls eyes-
To the current point now, I still don't see the big deal about whether or not Shannon is real. We know her name is an alias. People use 'em all the time online, not like it's unique to dear Shannon. On the same note, why worry whether its real or not? As was mentioned earlier, chances of meeting are quite unlikely, so why not provide support for this mysterious person? As encouraging as some of these posts are, I get the feeling people aren't loosing sleep about this.
Laterz.
-Void
as to whether or not shannon is shannon,
well, it kinda reminds me of this
story i read, apparently, sometime
in the 1930's, an article was
published in some newspaper in
england that stated that, in fact,
shakespeare had not written
the works attributed to him,
in fact, it was someone else,
entirely, who had penned those works,
in fact, it was another gentleman
who just happened to live in england
at the same time as shakespeare did,
in fact, this other gentleman who
really did write the "shakespeare"
works looked almost identical to
shakespeare,
in fact, not only did he live in the
same era and country and city as
shakespeare, and not only did he
look almost identical to shakespeare,
... to make matters even more
confusing .... he had the same
name as shakespeare did ....
hah!!!
Dear Shannon,
This is the first time that I have read your blog. I think it is very interesting and I will probably read again. It looks like you are very popular! 51 comments! Whoo.
Anyway, I was reading what you were saying about not enough money for the site. You could try to go to PayPal and set up a donation thing. It seems you get a bit of traffic so you might actually get a lot of money! I read an article in Reader's Digest that said this one guy made thousands of dollars off of setting up a donation page on his blog.
As for the baby -- wow. That is such a sad thing. I know that this is the first that that I have read your blog, but I am pretty sure you don't have the means to support a child. I think it would be best for the baby if you got an abortion. You would probably have to give the baby up if you had her, and then she would go through life in foster care, which is already overcrowded. Maybe someday you will be ready -- but it seems apparent that you are not ready now.
I am going to trust that you will make smart decisions. Sometimes you have to act with your head, not your heart.
And do think over the idea to set up a donation! People are not all bad.
Good luck,
moi_moi7920@hotmail.com
I read through about two-thirds of these comments until I couldn't take it any more. If I'm repeating something somebody else said near the bottom... sorry, man.
But here's the deal. Men (including male doctors) have no fucking business making recommendations one way or another to a woman about whether or not to have an abortion or carry to term and allow for an adoption or anything else, dicks. Offer to help her raise it and be its daddy, or don't. What she does with the blind, wrinkly, helpless chunk above her pussy is up to her.
If a WOMAN, especially one who has actually been PREGNANT has any advice for her, maybe she should listen. But you guys are a pack of cards with hard-ons.
Bush is the same fucking shit. Loves to get his nasty little hands up a woman's womb.
Shannon, you're a tough broad and you can figure this out. I can't. Big hug, though.
H.B.
Ok, great, another unwed whore mother with a kid...i'm glad my taxes go for shit like this. You can't take care of tourself, hell you fuck for money, so how are you supposed to take care of someone else? You don't know what love is, don't even try to fake it. You're the LAST person who should have the responsibility of raising a kid... you ARENT up to the task. Your life is already fucked up, why fuck up another?
This sounds like an episode of Springer.
Hi, i am writing to ask you a few questions about your past, i have a girlfriend who is addicted to sex and was raped at a young age, i wanted to ask your feelings of a few issues. thank you.
i find it curious that men must be
fucking as much as these women
"whores" since these women whores
must be fucking SOMEONE, so,
well, why is it that the women
are the ones who seem to be
the only one of the two parties
held up for judgement here,
get my drift, ST. MICHAEL, ....
okay, she "fucks for money,",
you say that like this is a bad thing,
... that it is wrong ...
now, sure there are emotional complications,
but, there are fucking emotional
complications with ALL people
we fuck,
get my drift, ST. MICHAEL, ....
loose the *Holier than Thou* bullshit,
... got it ...
what makes you think you've got a fucking
clue on whether or not this girl knows what
love is,
and how the fuck do we know that you've
got a clue what love is, yourself,
get my drift, ST. MICHAEL, ....
for all i know, you could be
a fucking idiot rapist sick
demented child molester,
now, i'm not sayin' that you
are a fucking idiot rapist sick
demented child molester,
but, you could be,
now, i have been corresponding
with shannon thru her website
and on her Forum for over two years,
and i have rarely met someone who
is more sensitive to what love
truly is,
but, you know, it is a sad testimony
to the state of our world to realize
how fucking fucked up so many OTHER
people are in this world,
poeple, like, for example, you,
who could be so fucking insensitive
to write utter or even contemplate
putting forth the words that
you have fucking written,
get my drift, ST. MICHAEL, ....
Between St. Michael bitching about 'unwed whores' and H.B. insisting men have no say whatsoever in trying to help out or in a woman's decision about childbirth,
"It takes two to tango." (usually)
Words of wisdom people like y'all apparently need.
-Void
Hey Void,
I'm not saying men have no responsibility for pregnancies. What I'm saying is that it starts and ends with supporting the choices made by the little bun warmer I knocked up.
These dildos who think shooting sperm gives them wisdom about what to do with a womb make me wanna throw Shannon over my shoulder and put her somewhere far from this site where she can do her own thinking. (Handcuffed to my bed might be a good place to start.)
H.B.
Psst, St. Michael...first you bitch about your tax dollars, then you bitch about Shannon earning a living.
So which is it?
Ha! Good point, anonymous. :)
And Shadow, thank you for taking out the garbage ;)
"Ha! Good point, anonymous. :)
And Shadow, thank you for taking out the garbage ;)"
Forgot my signature, sorry.
-Tsuba
my pleasure, tsuba, my friend,
and regarding Mr. ST. MICHAEL,
.... fucking scum piece a shit ....
shadow,
Ok, number one, I don't remember who said it, but YOU CAN NOT GET YOUR PERIOD IF YOU ARE PREGNANT.
You may bleed for other reasons, but you are NOT menstruating.
Number two, Shannon, I have been coming to this site ever since it was on ASSTR and I have never posted anything. But honestly, carrying this child to term seems like a rather ridiculous idea. As many people have pointed out, this will eliminate your only source of income.
You honestly need to either find another job immediately or abort the child. Those are just the facts.
Fucking hell, it's called implantation bleeding. Look it up.
--E
My GOD. It's called implantation bleeding, look it up.
My GOD.
--E
Implantation bleeding is not your period.
Is it not believable that the bleeding might be confused, especially if the woman-in-question's life is chaotic and they can't or don't take the time to find out the cause of the bleeding?
-Void
Use google ads.
I'm not even kidding... I know people who have made incredible returns on running some simple google text ads... at the very least, it would probably pay for the site's existance.
What about a FF t-shirt ;-)
just wanted to say I wish you the best. And I will keep you in my thoughts.
Real or not, this site continues to facinate a large audience. A strange "thank you" to the author, and a "wake up you wanking looser" to those who are participating too intently. "Fantasy" is in the title, consider that, and enjoy the art.
-Mephisto
Shannon,
First I want to thank you for the past several years. I am one of the silent majority that have followed your roller coaster life since the ASSTR days; smiling at your happiness and wanting to physically reach out when you are down.
Right now you have something very special that not many people have and that nobody can take from you . . . a support system. Shadow and Void have been great for years and they are not going to leave you. There are fans like me, while silent, we support you and love you like family we have never met. A love that is unconditional, no matter what you decide.
I'd like to make two requests. First, if FF does come to an end, please keep in contact with us thru your Blog and your Yahoo group. Second, please think about trying to find a way to go back to school. Even if it's community college where you take one class at a time. Please.
Thank you again for everything.
Love Always,
Omaha
I've wondered about the legitimacy of this site ever since that group sex with Leo and his friends. Guys don't generally just say 'hey, you take her ass' without asking the girl or anything and it's ridiculous that she would do such a thing without any protection.
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