Tag Alina: Instrument of Revenge almost all posted (and some info about the whole porn movie thing)

Chapters 1-7 of my new story Tag Alina: Instrument of Revenge are now posted! I know I said that I would have the entire story posted by now but that was, admittedly, an overly optimistic statement. Truth is it's taking me more time to polish the chapters than I thought it would. The good news is I only have three more chapters to proof/polish so the whole story should be up soon. Probably by Tuesday. Maybe. No more promises, I hate having to break them!

On to other things: I'm getting a lot of e-mails about the porn "movie" I did (mentioned in my last post) and in retrospect that shouldn't have been surprising but to be honest, at first I was like, "Holy crap, why are so many people interested in this?!?". I mean, there's so much porn out there, what's the whole fascination of seeing me in a porn movie?

Now I realize that if one of my favorite writers or bloggers said they did a porno-scene but refused to say for what site I'd be curious as hell, too! So it's fair. And it's my fault, too, and sort of makes me a cock-tease. I didn't mean to be! If I could go back I wouldn't have said anything. But I did so please allow me to go into a bit more detail about the whole situation... but please know that I'm not announcing the name of the site here. I never will do that on this blog. Ain't gonna happen, sorry.

Okay. First off, the video in question has not been posted to the site in question yet as of this post. I think it's going to be up soon, but right now I couldn't send you a link even if I wanted to or was willing to. Even I haven't even seen the final, edited cut of the vid.

Second: the reason I can't tell you the name of the site in question is because the owner (at least I think he was the owner... he was definitely the director/head-hauncho-on-set) freaked out when he saw this blog. When we first spoke I told him all about it and he was thrilled. He had all these ideas about tying in this site with the movie. He offered link-backs from his site (because as you all know I love getting a lot of traffic because it earns me so much money... last year this site earned me zero dollars! What's a million times zero again? 'cause that's what those link-banks would have earned me, I think), he wanted me to use the name "Shannon" as my actress name, he wanted me to talk about being an erotica/porn writer, etc. I think he saw how much traffic this site gets (which, while not a ton, is at least a decent number) and he saw dollar signs for himself. But then he actually read through the blog and like I said, he freaked.

After a bunch of near-cancellation moments he said I could still do the scene if I signed this ridiculously long (three pages, 12pt. font, single-spaced) document. There's a lot of miscellaneous crap in there but what it boils down to is that I had to promise to never associate this blog/site with his site in any way, shape, or form.

Why the huge paranoia on his part? From what I've heard the FBI has been up his ass for years because of one of the first scenes he ever directed. I don't know all the details but apparently they're always asking him for 18 USC 2257 documentation whenever his site adds a video; apparently this is unusual, but they have it out for him. Or so he thinks so, anyway. This is all rumor and maybe hogwash, to be honest, but what I can confirm 100% is that he wants the scene I did to have absolutely nothing to do with my site because of all the stories I link to that involve underage sex.

Which is fine. When I decided I wanted to do the scene it's not like I was thinking, "Oh wow, I can't wait to post this to my Forbidden Fantasies blog!".

Which leads me to point three: why did I do it? Well, like I said in the last post, I was in a pretty bad depression. I mean really bad. Suicidal thoughts and all. Don't worry, I never got close to doing something stupid like harming myself, but the depression was deep-deep-deep. For a while I only did two things each day: my daily run and my daily masturbation session. I showered infrequently, didn't buy groceries regularly, and only ate when I realized I really, really had to. I slept all the time. I stopped talking with friends. I was a total mess. It was so bad that when this "opportunity" to do this scene came up I thought, "What the hell?". The normal me wouldn't have done that, I don't think.

But I did do it. Not for the money but for the experience. I mean, you only live once, right? As it turns out it wasn't that great of an experience, but hey, at least I know that now. I won't die someday thinking, "Wow, I wonder what it would have been like doing that scene for 'XXX Site'." I really think it's better to regret something you have done than something that you never even tried.

Wow this post is getting long. Sorry.

Okay, final thing: will I ever let you, my beloved readers/fans/friends see the scene in question? The answer is maybe.

After I finally get to see it, I might (might) try to figure out a way to share it with all of you in a manner that does not breach the ridiculous contract I had to sign. Maybe I'll e-mail a link to all interested parties. Maybe I'll give a ton of clues (which I've sort of been doing, come to think of it!). Maybe I'll post a thread on the SOL.net group. I don't know.

What I do know is that if you see the scene (again: it's not online yet so you literally have no chance of finding it!!!) and think it's me (because, depending on how they edit it? It might be obvious for long-time fans of this site), go ahead and guess. Email a guess, comment and guess, etc. I will always deny if it's not me. I won't confirm if it is me, though... get it?

I think that might be my sneaky way of getting around this contract thing.

Oh, but I reserve the right to deny everything anyway. If the vid makes me look bad (which I am so nervous about... like I said in my original post, I think my acting was terrible, plus I was having a really bad hair day, due to the weather) I'll never admit to you that it's me. Ever.

Sorry!