PZA Boy Stories


Hawk Boy
Memoirs of a Child Porn Star
by Trevor Hawk, with Hubert Z. Fletchly

My first week – Part 3

Introduction to Part Three

Hi. I'm Trevor Hawk, and I'am twelve years old. You probably know me as one of the most successful and prolific actors in the child pornography business. My American press agent, Bill, suggested I write down these memoirs of my career in the child porn business now, before I've grown too old to remember how things happened. He thinks my fans will want to know this stuff, and maybe other kids who are thinking about working in porn themselves might appreciate an inside perspective on the industry. It's been a fantastic career for me so far, and I expect it will continue to be fantastic for some time to come.

One of the nice things about entering the world of child porn, especially for a boy like me who came from a repressive home and family, is the freedom to explore and learn. In Part Three of my memoirs, I do a lot of exploring and learning. I would try just about anything in those days. I'm still that way for the most part, but sometimes I try something that doesn't work out so well, and I know better than to try it again. (Remember the names Trish and Lena as you read chapter 40.) I learned that if I pushed myself, I could do a lot of things I never thought possible, though I wasn't always sure why. I learned what three horny boys and a randy man can do artistically when we had the right tools, and how much money we could make by having fun at home.

I also began to learn a about being pretty. My curiosity had been sparked in Part Two, but in Part Three I pull out the stops. There is something about feeling pretty, being pretty, and knowing that I'm pretty, that feels so good it hurts. I had learned how I could feel so attracted to someone else that it hurt, but soon I had to face my mixed feelings about being that attractive and pretty boy myself. Each time I saw that pretty, sexy boy in the mirror, it hurt more and more, and I wanted to cry more and more. Why? Why didn't anyone ever tell me before how pretty I was?

I succeeded at nearly everything I tried for a while – prettiness, wealth, even romance – but having your dreams come true can be very difficult. Things come to a head for me as I realize how vulnerable I feel now that I have everything. This is a common theme in the early part of my career, and I write a lot about it in these memoirs. It was as if I was doomed to suffer poverty and neglect at home with Mum or anxiety and paranoia in my life as a successful and wealthy porn star.

In Part Three, I face dead-on the issue of neglect at home with my alcoholic mum. I had some very important choices to make. I also learn that Randy is more than just a friend and an agent. He will have a much greater role in my life from then on.

I assure you, things worked out in the end, but there were a few bumps along the way for myself and for the people around me, the beautiful, loving people around me.


Chapter 22
Business Meeting

Trevor is going shopping with Sebastian to buy sexy clothes of his own, but before they can get to the shopping, there are one or two things Randy needs to discuss that bring Trevor back to the reality that still exists outside of making movies and having lots of sex with beautiful boys (and the occasional pretty girl). But before they leave Randy's house, Trevor and Sebastian turn into a proper pair of little queens and have fun dressing up for the evening.

We arrived at Randy's house with a huge carload of gifts that I had received as congratulations on my contract signing. My head and my cock were swimming with thoughts and vivid dreams of my sweet Annie, a boy I had just met two days earlier and who liked to be pretty. He was not transgender, just a boy who saw no reason why he shouldn't look pretty in girls' clothes if he wanted to.

We unloaded the car, and Sebastian changed into a different sexy outfit. This time he wore skin- tight thin black shorts that left the lower creases of his ass showing, and what looked like a white lace vest that he had cut off at the bottom to make it shorter. He added an ornate gold chain around his forehead mounted with several small black onyx stones, a gold chain around his neck, another around his left thigh (similar to the ones he'd given me), a thicker gold chain for his right ankle, and black sandals. I loved those shorts that Sebastian wore. Boys have a lovely crease across the bottom of their ass cheeks. Girls also have that crease, but women seem to lose it, and hetero men seem to be ok with that. (They like big breasts too, so there's no accounting for taste.) Men also have that bottom-ass-crease, but they don't have soft skin like boys do. When I see those creases, I just want to munch up that boy's ass! I made a note to myself that I would have to sneak up on Sebastian that night.

"Trevor Boy? Think should wear chain on waist also?" Sebastian asked me.

"Oh yes," I said. "I think that chain looks lovely on you, and you need something to sparkle in your middle. You go all the way from your thigh chain to your neck chains with nothing shiny in between. Or you could use glitter I suppose." He kissed me and returned to his room for the chain.

I put on a new pair of sexy, skimpy, sparkling pink shorts, which showed the same amount of my ass as Sebastian's black ones did. I was still getting used to feeling as sexy as boys like Boris and Sebastian. I added one of my white uniform shirts, which I left unbuttoned. I tucked the back sloppily into my shorts, just a bit, so it wouldn't cover my ass. I also wore my gold neck chain, a gold bracelet, and a pair of white ankle socks and pink Mary Janes with gold buckles that I borrowed from Sebastian.

When I finished dressing, Sebastian had already put his waist chain on and changed into a pink crop-top button-up before returning. "Why for you not wear thighs chain and other chain, Trevor Boy?" he asked. I hadn't put them on because I thought the shorts were shiny and bright, and the chains didn't stand out enough. When I told him so he said, "That why you need add charms and others for chains, like see mine." He pointed to a large, pink opal now hanging from the outside of his left thigh chain.

"They match your pink shirt perfectly, and they look so pretty," I said.

"Can use also earring for hang from thigh chain. Not so good have earring for chain on head, I think. Fall for nose."

I pulled a thigh chain up my left side, which is where Sebastian wore his, and added my forehead chain, and met Sebastian back in his room. He was looking through an enormous jewelry box. "Trevor Boy," he said after seeming lost in thought, "Think need remove shirt. Think boy school shirt is problem." I removed the shirt, and he smiled mischievously at me. "Have plan for shirt and jewelry for Trevor Boy! He pulled me by the hand to his closet and rifled through dozens of shirts on hangers. "You wear this, I think. You have trust for Sebastian. He know!"

He tossed me the shirt, which was a white silk fabric with long, baggy sleeves, open in the front but with no buttons, and what appeared to be bright, fine tinsel closely woven into the surface of the fabric. The effect was to make the entire shirt sparkle softly, giving off a white glow. When I put it on, I realized that the shirt was not designed to be closed in front. The sides were not long enough to come together in the front. "Now have perfect jewelry for Trevor Boy," he said with a smile. He held up what looked like a huge diamond earring. "Hang for side thigh chain. Trevor Boy have such nice sexy leg!" He held up another diamond and fastened it to my forehead chain. "Oh Trevor Boy, is no head band! Is chain for make pretty! Chain go under hair." I sat on a chair while he fussed with my hair and the chain. "There. Look for mirror how pretty Trevor Boy!" He pointed to the full-length mirror in his room.

I was so pretty I wanted to cry. Now I was the boy who was so pretty it hurt! I hugged Sebastian, and I don't think he noticed me wiping away the single tear that had fallen from my left eye.


We said goodbye to Boris and got back in the car. Sebastian and I rode in the back seat together. "Where to, boys?" asked Randy. I turned to Sebastian because I had no idea where all the fun clothes were sold.

Sebastian smiled at me and said, "Gold Boy Chelsea," he said.

"Gold Boys of Chelsea it is," said Randy. "That should be a lovely place for you Trevor. They have everything, clothes, shoes, jewelry, hats, and all sorts of accessories, and all from the top boys fashion designers. You will soon have a public image to keep."

"Well," I said, "I don't think I'll be needing anymore shorts, but the rest sounds wonderful. Aren't things going to be a bit expensive there?"

"Yes, they certainly will," said Randy, "but you already have a lot of money. We'll talk about that before we shop." I knew I had more money that I had ever had in my life, but it was so much that I didn't know if I could buy a bicycle or a car or an airplane.


When we arrived at Gold Boys of Chelsea, we got out of the car in front of the store. Randy gave his keys to a man who drove off with it. That seemed strange, giving his car to a stranger like that, but he didn't seem bothered. I decided he knew what he was doing.

Another man in a fancy uniform opened the door for us and said, "My, don't you boys look stunning this evening!"

When we entered, there were prints on the walls of beautiful boys in swimsuits, sexy clothing, underpants, and even what looked like ladies' lingerie. There were a few other boys shopping, but I decided none of them looked as sexy as Sebastian and I did. They were all older than we were, and one even had a thin mustache.

There were shop assistants everywhere, and they all wanted to make sure we found what we were looking for. At the moment, that was the elevator, but Randy and Sebastian knew where it was. We took the elevator to the eighth floor coffee shop, and Randy bought us each a bottle of root beer and a coffee for himself. Then he began, "Hawk Boy, we need to have a business meeting before we shop. We have three things to discuss, money, your working name, and your living arrangements." I didn't know what he meant by living arrangements, but he had a serious look on his face when he said it.

"First," he said, "we need to discuss money. I brought your money clip, which you nearly left in your dressing room, and you still have two hundred quid in cash. In your spending account, you now have two thousand. That's one thousand from yesterday and another thousand from today's bonus money for your work with Claire. Your college fund also has the thousand quid from the studio that neither you nor your mum can touch. You were also paid for today's scene, which earned you five thousand, less my commission, leaving you with four thousand five hundred for the film. You also have to pay my commission on your bonus earnings. I'm sorry, but that's how we do business, but the full bonus amount goes into your spending account. I take my commission out of the money that would go to your trust fund, so you won't even notice it. So, that means three thousand nine hundred pounds of your scene money has been deposited into your trust account, and the remaining five hundred has been added to your spending account. Remember, you need to come to me if you want to spend money from your trust account. I have to authorize expenses from your trust." He paused to work the figures in his head. "That's a total of seven thousand, six hundred pounds you have all totaled."

The drinking straw fell from my mouth and slid back into my root beer. That was more money than I could even count. "However," Randy continued, "you can't just spend all that money on things you like. As I said, one thousand stays in your college fund. Technically, the studio owns that fund, though there are buyout clauses, et-cetera. The bad news that you might not have been expecting is that money you receive in your spending account might be taxable, so if you buy anything with that money, you need to save your receipts, and Markus will determine how much more you need to give to him to pay your taxes." Until then, I had thought taxes were only for grown-ups. It was difficult to think of my money as mostly mine, but some of it belonged to Her Majesty.

Randy continued, "The things you buy this evening will be business expenses, and I will allow the use of your trust fund money for that as an investment in your career. You need sexy clothes to build the right kind of public image, and some of the things you buy will most likely appear in your films at some point." He took a sip of his coffee, as if steeling himself for some bad news. "Unfortunately, any money you get from your trust is also taxable. That's not good, so we need to be wise with how you spend it. If it is a business expense, then that expense is not taxable. But if I permit you to spend trust fund money on personal expenses, you will have to pay taxes on that money. Do you understand, Hawk Boy?"

I shook my head. He sounded like he was talking to Markus, or some businessman.

"Ok, I think I've given you too many details," he said. "I must apologize, Hawk Boy. It's easy for me to forget you are still just eight years old." I didn't always like it when he called me an eight year-old because I was almost nine, but he said it was good for sales if people knew how young I was. "You are quite intelligent and unusually mature for a boy your age," he continued. Nobody had ever said such things to me before, and I wasn't sure how I felt about Randy saying those things. "We will spend your trust account money for clothes and things this evening. That's four thousand quid. If we need more, then you can decide whether you want to buy more with your spending account money, ok?"

"Ok," I said.

"I also have your Visa card," he said, placing it on the table in front of me. He handed me a pen and showed me where I needed to sign it. "Remember, Hawk Boy, this card is not money. This card only allows the store to remove money from your spending account to pay for the things you buy. Markus is in charge of how this card is used, and he has asked me to keep it for you until you learn how to use it properly. I will show you how it works today when you buy something."

"Ok," I said again. I was nervous about being able to spend so much money, and I didn't want to make a mess of things. Mum had a Visa card, but sometimes it didn't work, and that always put her in a foul mood. I wanted to make sure my card worked all the time.

"Now," said Randy, "we come to the issue of your name. I spoke with Eastman about that today, and he is very much in favor of you being called Trevor Hawk as your professional name. I don't think we should press him on this issue, Hawk Boy, because he knows his business very well, and he believes it is a more versatile name. You can still use your own name in private, or a name you have chosen, but professionally, I think you should go with Mr. Eastman and accept Trevor Hawk as your working name. He added that you might occasionally be called Hawk Boy or other variations in some films, or for purposes of certain publicity events. He is willing to be flexible to a degree, but I strongly recommend you accept Mr. Eastman's wishes on this."

"Ok," I said. I had already decided I would go with Trevor Hawk if Mr. Eastman thought it was best. I like it, and Boris and Sebastian can always call me Trevor Boy. "But why are you still calling me Hawk Boy?"

"I told you before," said Randy, "that I believe everyone has the right to decide who they are in their personal lives, that they have a right to their own identity. You said you wanted to be called Hawk Boy, and I respect that."

"I see. But you can call me that, or you can call me Hawk or Trevor. I like those names too, and you are a special person to me, so you can call me something that no one else calls me if you like. Whatever name you call me tells me that you love me, so it will make me happy, just as when Boris and sweet Sebastian call me Trevor Boy." I kissed Sebastian.

"I'm glad to hear it, Hawk," he said with a smile. "Now we come to your living arrangements." He had that serious tone again. "You don't seem very happy living at home with your mother and brother. Am I right about that?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what to say. Mum was drunk a lot, and Ian was a bully. I didn't feel very important to Mum unless I'd upset her precious Ian or spilled her drink or something. "I guess not," I said. "It's worlds better staying with you. You treat me like I'm special, and I love you all and you love me. I don't think Mum loves me anymore, and Ian is just horrible."

"Believe it or don't," said Randy, "I know for certain that your mum loves you. Right now, she can't show you her love because she is sick. I don't know how long she will be sick in this way, but I see how it affects you."

"She's not sick. Is she really?" I asked.

"Yes, Trevor," said Randy. I felt Sebastian slip his hand into mine. "Your mum is sick with drink. She is an alcoholic, and to an alcoholic, very little else matters, even her children. I think her sickness makes her unable to care for you properly."

I knew Mum was drunk a lot, but I didn't know that made her sick, except when she vomited from too much drink.

Sebastian squeezed my hand and nodded sadly to me. "Is true, Trevor Boy," he said. "Much peoples in Russia get sick for drinks too much, not able stopping drinks, is much bad for family, for kids. If mum for Trevor Boy drinks to be alcoholic, much bad for Trevor Boy." He looked very sad as he said this. "Is daddy for Sebastian also sick for drinks too much. Always drunken, hit for mum, make Sebastian sell for sex on street for buy more vodka. Is very sad."

Some things started to make sense. If what Randy said was true, then Mum really couldn't look after me properly. That would also explain why I didn't seem to mean anything to her. "Does she need to go to hospital?" I asked.

"No," said Randy. "There are places she can go to get treatment, but they can't help her unless she decides she wants help, and most alcoholics don't want help until something terrible has happened because of their drinking. When we decide where you will be living, I will speak with your mum privately and tell her what we have decided, and I will give her lots of information about where she can get help. No," he said, noticing I wanted to ask something rather urgently, "I do not want you to be there for that conversation. She will most likely be very angry to know she has lost control over you, and she might try to blame you instead of her own drinking. You must never believe that, Hawk. She is an adult, and she is responsible for her own drinking and its consequences. She doesn't know it yet, but she is lucky to have you as a son because she is covered under your private health plan through Frenetic, and that will pay for her treatment if she decides to get help, but we must remember that it is unlikely she will make that decision anytime soon. Do you understand this Trevor? And do you understand why I think it's a bad idea for you to carry on living there?"

I nodded. I understood that Mum drank too much, and that made her not want to look after me properly. Randy said she could get help, but I didn't understand why she wouldn't want any help. I saw tears on Sebastian's face, and I said, "I understand, Randy." I hugged Sebastian until he seemed to collect himself.

After a few moments' silence Randy continued, "I also have concerns for your security at your mum's flat." "My security?"

"Yes, your security," he continued. "You are going to be a celebrity, and you don't know what that's like yet. Everybody will want to see you, to touch you, to have something that's yours. Dangerous people might even try to harm you."

"Why would they want to do that?" I asked.

"Some people have a kind of sickness in their heads. They don't think properly, and they can't control their actions."

"Sometimes can be also alcoholics," added Sebastian.

"As a celebrity," said Randy, nodding to Sebastian, "you might strike someone's fancy who has serious problems like this. You will need protection for yourself. You are not famous yet because your film hasn't been released, so you are not at that kind of risk yet. Both Boris and Sebastian have had problems like this. They can help you understand how serious this can be. Just watch how the shop assistants treat you while you're with Sebastian. Notice how they look at him. Most of all, pay attention to how the customers act while they are near him. Sebastian has a lot of fans, and many of them shop here."

"Is true, Trevor Boy," said Sebastian. "Can be serious dangerous. Had men follow me on sidewalk. They say they want for gang bang my ass, like see for my gang bang videos. Big fans. They come all around for me, not go away. Is good Randy Man was near, and also police man. Maybe they hurt me very bad if I alone. So, sometime can be dangerous, but is mostly annoying. Man follow, not go away, say him in love for me, or maybe boy do same. Sometime girl want marry for Sebastian. Is bad when new video release. Much fans excite. See me outside in city, come for me screaming for autograph. Is ok, not want hurt Sebastian, but take long time to go some place. Is best sign autograph and talk for fan. Uh, talk with for fan?" I smiled. I knew what he meant. "They buy more video, tell friend, make money for studio, more work for you. Is good, but also annoys."

"You also have many valuable possessions now," said Randy, "and thieves might take an interest. You need security for your possessions as well. Your mum's flat isn't in the best area either. Yes, it's close to my house, but let's say it's on the wrong side of the tracks. Besides, a jealous brother might get careless with your things. A mum with a drinking problem might want to sell some of your things to buy more gin."

"So… I'm not sure what you're telling me, Randy," I said. "Do you think there is a better place where I should live?"

"Hawk, I'm telling you it might be best for you to move out from your mum's flat." "You mean move in with you?" I asked. "No," he said, "that's not really an option right now. Boris and Sebastian have their two bedrooms, and there's only the spare room, and that's not enough space for a boy like you. It has a big bed, but it's a small room with a small closet. I think when we're done shopping tonight you will have too many clothes to fit in that closet."

"Can share for my room, Randy Man," said Sebastian.

"That's very kind of you, Sebastian, but your walk-in closet has become a crawl-in closet," said Randy. "There simply isn't enough room." Sebastian looked at his root beer and sighed. I kissed him again and thanked him. I didn't like seeing him without his usual smile.

"So what are you saying, Randy?" I asked. "If Mum's house is no good and you can't have me here, then where am I supposed to go?"

"First," he said, "you can spend the night here any time you like. You are always welcome. I want you to remember that always."

I smiled at him, and then I kissed him. He always made me feel special and loved.

"You have a few options," he continued. "I think you would be best off living in the Frenetic Studio Complex." My eyes must have opened as wide as saucers, because that was the last thing I was expecting him to say. "Yes, Trevor, they have living space there, and there would be no security worries at all. We've spoken about actors' residences in passing before. They have dormitories, where you share space with another boy, or in a larger room with as many as eight boys. You can also choose a mixed room, which you would share with one girl, or as many as eight girls and boys mixed. A major problem with the dormitories is that you wouldn't have much personal space. You would have a very large private room in the building next to the dormitory, so you would have space for all your things, and for a fee you could have two of those rooms. They also have very nice apartments that you can rent. The apartments each have one bedroom; one office; one additional room; which is often used for play, exercise, or private shoots; a large sitting room; a kitchen; a dining room; a bathroom with lavatory; and a second lavatory. The apartments are much larger than your mum's flat.

"Maid service and dining service are included with dorm rooms and apartments. There are also two swimming pools, one outdoor and one indoor. There is a small television studio for residents who want to make their own more personal productions, which the studio encourages, a sound recording studio, and three rehearsal studios with one small camera in each. These facilities are for child residents only. The adults have their own facilities in their building. Believe me, you kids have the nicer equipment," he said with a wink. "There are also two auditoriums in the dormitory buildings with stages for performances and cinema projection systems for screening new releases, or whatever films the residents want to see. Events in these two auditoria are open to the entire Frenetic community, which means Frenetic employees and their kids. There are many other amenities available only to residents, such as party rooms, playrooms, bouncy castles and such."

"Wow," I said. I remembered he'd mentioned the dormitories and apartments, but I hadn't given them a thought. It sounded like there was a lot of fun going on there. "The studio also keeps a car service for its actors in residence," he continued. "If you need to go anywhere, a car will be waiting for you within five minutes. You will also be automatically enrolled in the school that is run by the studio. That means you will work with a single tutor who works only with you until you are twelve. Then you will work individually with tutors who hold advanced degrees in the subjects they teach. At that point, you will only study two or three subjects at a time, but you will study them at a faster pace than you would at any other school." I didn't like the idea of going faster in my studies, but maybe with a good tutor it might not seem so bad.

"But there are conditions to living in the dormitories and apartments," he said, becoming quite serious again. "The dormitories are available at no cost to contracted actors, which means you must keep a contract with Frenetic in order to live there. The apartments are subsidized by the studio." In response to my look of confusion he said, "That means the rent for those apartments is inexpensive because they are owned by the studio. Now when I say inexpensive, I mean inexpensive for a similar apartment in this area, and these are very nice, very large apartments. Rent is exactly £500 per month right now. It is the only expense you will have though. All of your bills are included."
[£1 equals about €1.10 / $1.30 / ¥150 (October 2017)].

"That's my five hundred quid spending money gone," I said.

"Not so," said Randy. "A home at the studio in addition to your home with your mother is a valid business expense, so the trust can pay for it. What you must realize, however, is that you are still a child, and you need adults to look after you. It hurts me to keep saying this, but your mum isn't looking after you properly because of her alcoholism. She's not looking after your brother very well either, but my interest is in seeing that you are looked after. If you live in the dormitories or in an apartment, you will have adults calling on you frequently. If you have a morning scene to shoot, you will have someone calling to get you out of bed, and they will carry you to the studio if need be. But at least then you don't have to bother getting dressed, now do you," he said with a grin. "You will be expected to do PE for at least one hour every weekday, except during summer holidays. Adults will call on you when you have appointments of any kind. They will call on you if you miss a meal to make sure you are well. Only adults who work for the studio will call. All others must wait in a comfortable lobby while a studio representative meets you at your apartment and escorts you to the lobby to meet them, if indeed you wish to meet them. There are many adults who will be responsible for your well-being at Frenetic, and they will all have keys to your apartment or dorm room, though I understand most dorm rooms are left open during the night. You need to understand that Frenetic staff will respect your privacy as much as possible, but privacy will be limited. What our employees will not do is neglect you or your needs by not looking in on you or caring for you as a child must be cared for. They most certainly will not neglect their responsibilities because they are drunk."

This sounded safe and strict. It was nothing like my life with Mum. It was scary to think of living on my own. "Can't I please stay with you, Randy?"

"I'm sorry, Hawk," he said. "It just won't work. You will soon be a star, and you will need your own space. I can't give you that. I need to see to your needs, remember? That is what I am doing. You need more living space than I have to offer." "Is true, Trevor Boy," said Sebastian, putting his arm around me. "You don't believe, but so true. Everybody know Trevor Boy gonna be big star. Remember little friends Boris and Sebastian when Trevor Boy big star?"

I was speechless, so I kissed him until I was ready to talk again. "What about Mum?" I asked. "What if she won't let me go?"

"There's no need to worry about that, Hawk, my boy," said Randy. "She signed over certain rights to the studio and to me when she signed your contract. She assigned me as your agent and legal guardian, and that allows me to decide where it would be in your best interest to live. Right now, I don't think it's in your best interest to live in that home any longer. I think you should consider an apartment. Give it some thought, and we'll have a tour of the apartments and dormitories tomorrow. Tonight you will stay at my place again." For that, at least, I was very grateful.

Chapter 23

Trevor and Sebastian finally begin their shopping fun. Where do they begin? The undies section in the Femboy Department at Gold Boys of Chelsea, of course!

We finished our beverages, and the seriousness of our meeting lightened a bit as Sebastian told me about the cool things I might want to try on. We took the elevator to the third floor Femboy department, and the first thing he showed me was a pink fairy outfit. "Trevor Boy want look pinky pretty, so here pinky pretty," he said with that cute Sebastian smile and a soft chuckle. I felt shy and a bit nervous, but I wanted to be pretty, and this outfit was very pretty. It gave me an incredible thrill to do something I would have been so ashamed of only a few days earlier. I felt shivers, and all I could do was giggle stupidly at Sebastian.

A female shop assistant led me to a fitting room and helped me put the fairy outfit on. This was also strangely thrilling too. I was used to being seen naked by women, but being in a private fitting room with a woman while I am trying on a very girly fairy costume was a different experience entirely.

The outfit came with a tiny pink dress with pretty red and blue sequins everywhere and a cute ruffled pink skirt that covered nothing, pink tights with silver threads winding in patterns like vines all the way up my legs, a pair of pink knickers that were supposed to be worn over the tights, a pair of slippers that were attached by tying ribbons around my legs, a wand with pink and blue ribbons, and a set of magnificent wings, which were made of a lightweight frame, a nylon mesh stretched across the frame, and colorful, sparkling tinsel around the frame. The nylon mesh was decorated with brightly colored yellow and blue patterns, similar to what I'd seen in some pictures of exotic moths – very pretty.

I wanted it. The thrill of wearing it made me feel free. I wanted to wear it around the studio and be pretty in front of everyone! I especially wanted to wear it in front of Annie, because I mostly wanted to be pretty for him. But that wasn't a thrilling thought. I wanted to show him I wasn't afraid to be pretty, and that I liked pretty things. But I realized I never wore my own clothes around the studio, except for lunch. "Where are you going to wear something like that, Hawk?" asked Randy.

"Dunno. It's so pretty. Isn't it pretty?"

"If no wear knickers, no tights, look very sexy. See for cute ass," said Sebastian.

"This outfit comes with the tights you see him wearing," said the shop assistant to Sebastian, smiling at him, "and with an additional pair of stay-up stockings. A matching garter belt and conventional stockings are also available. They may be purchased separately or substituted for the panties and stay-up stockings. There are several options for the revealing, no-tights look with this outfit, and we want our fairy boy to look lovely, however he chooses to arrange this ensemble."

"Wings big problem. Not fit for car, for chair, fill closet quick."

"I'm so glad you mentioned that, Sir," the assistant said to Sebastian, smiling nervously. "If I might demonstrate…" She disconnected the wings from my back, without looking at me or saying anything to me, and demonstrated to Sebastian how they collapsed into a small, slim package.

"Hawk," said Randy, "you are pretty. Any pretty thing you wear will look even prettier because you are wearing it, not the other way round." I tapped him gently on the forehead with my wand and kissed him. He was a very sweet man. "It's important to learn how to spend your money, now that you have it." He told me about impulse buying and not buying the first thing I see or everything I want. "If you want this outfit, that is your choice, but it's nearly five hundred quid, and that's a lot to spend on the first thing you see, especially something you won't be able to wear very often."

"Many other things look pink for make Trevor Boy look very sexy," said Sebastian.

"Ok," I said. Everywhere I looked I saw sexy clothes. I had lots to choose from, and I wanted to see it all. So the shop assistant helped me out of the outfit and back into my clothes and jewelry.

"What a pretty thigh chain you have," she said as she pulled it up my leg. "We have chains and jewelry too. If you would like to have a look I will be glad to walk you to that department."

"My friend Sebastian gave it to me. I think it's pretty too. He is helping me to learn how to dress pretty."

"Well, he is a lovely friend to have!" she said. "He knows what makes a boy look pretty. Just look at him! He is a regular here, and we are all fans of his work. It must be so exciting for you to be able to shop with a boy like him! It's very special to us when he shops here. When a famous boy like Sebastian is seen shopping here, it makes us look good." "I'll bet you'll treat me the same way soon," I said, "because I'm going to be a huge film star!"

She chuckled, patted me on the head, and said with a dismissive tone, "I'm sure you will, dear. Of course you will." This made me think of something else about being famous. I didn't like being treated that way by the shop assistant. She didn't seem to care much for me. All she was interested in was Sebastian. If I became a star, and if I went about town with friends, would they feel bad about how they were treated around me?

"See more femboy clothes, Trevor Boy?" Sebastian asked as I emerged from the changing room.

"Oh let's! I answered. Sebastian and I kissed, put our arms around each other, and wiggled our cute asses at the shop assistant as we moved to a different area in the department. She would learn soon enough, the old cow.

"Here find for sexy boy knickers," he said.

We were in a section with glass cases and underpants mannequins, all of which had sexy, girlish underpants, many of which were pink. I saw one pair immediately that caught my eye. It was a skimpy, pink satin bikini style with thin white lace around the waist and leg openings. The front had an opening from the middle to the top, which was also lined by thin white lace, and which was fastened together with thick white lace, like a shoelace. You could see everything between the laces.

A male shop assistant approached Sebastian and said in a French accent, "I see your friend shares your good taste in femboy fashions." There it was again. I was shopping, but the shop assistant was talking to Sebastian.

"Ask for him what he like. Shop for him sexy clothes today," said Sebastian. It seemed he'd noticed the same thing I had with the assistants in this store.

"Lucien," said Randy to the shop assistant, "This is Trevor Hawk. You would do well to remember his name. He is interested in this item."

"Oh 'ow exciting to meet a young star who is on his way up, Mr. 'awk," said Lucien, to me this time. He offered me a handshake, which I returned.

I didn't like the way he pronounced my new name. I thought it sounded like a clucking chicken, so I said, "Please, call me Trevor." I tried to sound polite because I wanted my public image to get off to a good start. Several people at the studio had spoken with me about the importance of my public image, especially when I was just starting out.

"Why thank you, Trevor. You honor me," he said with a smile that was far too great for someone who was selling underwear. "And I am Lucien. I will 'elp you find all the sexy femboy underpants, knickers, thongs, whatever sexy thing you like. This style is available in pink, as you see, and also in red, black, and yellow. Yellow is a very popular color for boys' undergarments this season." This intrigued me. Colors followed seasons? Underwear colors? "Can you show me a yellow pair?" I asked, curious to see if there was something special about an underwear color that was in-season.

"But of course," he said with a smile. He opened a drawer that I hadn't noticed in the lower part of the display and took from it a very similar pair of yellow boy knickers with red lace trim and a large black lace in front. "I think these might be just your size, if you care to try them on?"

"These very pretty for Trevor Boy," said Sebastian. "For pink and for yellow, both very good. Pink, very pretty sexy, yellow, very cute boy sexy."

"Can I see one in black please?" I asked Lucien.

"Of course, Trevor, Sir. You may see anything you like. You just ask Lucien, and 'e will get it for you!" He showed me a black pair with red trim and a red lace in the front.

"Trevor Boy, black look sexy sexy! Think Boris not keep hands away from ass if Trevor Boy wear!"

He also retrieved a pink pair that he thought was in my size. "Would Trevor Sir like to try these on?"

"Oh yes please!" said Sebastian. "Want for see Trevor boy in sexy knickers!"

Lucien led me to the nearest dressing room, followed by Sebastian and Randy. "This way please," said Lucien, waving me into the dressing room. He helped me out of my clothes, putting everything on hangers for me, even my little ankle socks. To be honest, I was still the tiniest bit uncomfortable being naked in front of strangers, but I guessed that was how the fancy stores worked. And surely, a porn star needed to be comfortable being naked in front of everyone at any time. "Per'aps Trevor Sir would like to keep 'is jewelry on?" he suggested as he pulled my sparkly pink shorts down, then carefully adjusted my thigh chain. "I think your gold and diamonds would accent these items very nicely."

"Ok," I said. "Shall we try the pink ones first, as they are the ones that caught your eye?" he asked. "Sure," I said. He held the knickers while I stepped into them. He pulled them up carefully, around my thigh chain, until they were in place. I pulled the lace open to tie it properly while he fussed with my thigh chain again.

"Oh! But Sir, this lace is elastic, and must not be untied. It is set for your size and should 'old in place as it is." His face soured as he looked at the unfastened laced. "This lace, 'owever, is meant to be stitched together to prevent this very thing." He examined the lace carefully and said, "These must all be inspected. This is a disgrace. I am so sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Trevor Sir." He pulled the knickers down without another word, which surprised me. It was like I was being stripped. I could feel a slight erection coming on. "Can I try the black ones then?" I asked, hoping he would hurry before I got a proper boner.

"I shall first inspect them carefully, Trevor Sir. We sell only the 'ighest quality goods 'ere at Gold Boys of Chelsea." He carefully examined the lace, stitching, and all of the trim before he let me step into the black pair. "Oh but look! You 'ave a small erection, no?" How embarrassing! "But this will 'elp to demonstrate one of the features of these femboy knickers." He pulled the knickers all the way up on me and tucked my hardening cock in place. "You see, Mr. Trevor Sir?" he said as he adjusted my thigh chain again. "This is why the front lace is made of the softest elastic. It will stretch to accommodate your erection. Is that not most comfortable?"

I thought for a moment. Everyone in my new life seemed to talk about sex as if it were no big deal. "Very comfortable, I said."

"And very sexy on such a beautiful boy, if I may be so bold," said Lucien. "Let us show them to Sebastian and Randy, and I will find a pink pair that does not have this defect."

He opened the door to the dressing room, and I felt like a runway model stepping out onto the catwalk for the first time. Randy nodded as his eyebrows rose. Sebastian whistled at me, then called out "So sexy my Trevor Boy! He my Trevor Boy." It was then I noticed a small group of people had gathered around Sebastian, two boys who appeared to be about Sebastian's age and a man who was apparently their father. "You listen for Sebastian," he said to the man. "Trevor Boy be huge boy porn movie star very soon. You see."

The two boys, themselves dressed in very revealing clothes, and their father came to me and asked for my autograph. "I am a big fan of Sebastian's work," said the man. "We all are. He has inspired my boys here to try out as child porn actors. I told them it wasn't easy, and that probably no one else could do the things that Sebastian does, but I think it's important for my boys to have goals, don't you think?"

I signed my first autographs, which felt surreal. In fact, it felt as if nothing at all were happening. This man asking my opinion concerning what's best for his boys was just weird. "Yeah," I said, "yeah, goals are good. I hope to have goals one day as well."

The man laughed, and so did Randy. I wasn't sure why, but everything about this was awkward. "You are positively delightful, young man! And oh my goodness," he said with a gasp, "you are a very, very sexy boy!"

"Thanks," I said, quite sure I was blushing a bit.

Sebastian had begun inspecting the black femboy knickers I was wearing, slipping his fingers in and out, feeling the fit all around, and then feeling my bulge. "Fit very good," he said. "And very sexy, like man say. Lucien very good for find good fit."

"I know this must be such a bore, but would you mind if we got a picture with you?" the man asked. "Not a problem," said Randy. "I'll take the picture with my phone and send it to you right now if you like. That way you can be in the photo too, we'll all have a copy, and we can keep you updated about Trevor and Sebastian's new releases. What do you think?"

"Sounds wonderful," said the man. We stood in a row, with me on the right, Sebastian on the left, the two boys in the middle, and their father behind them.

After Randy took the picture, he said, "Let's try one now with clothes off. What do you think?" The father and the boys hesitated, seeming a little uncomfortable. Sebastian was naked before I could even pull my black knickers down. "Give them a little taste of being naked in front of a camera?"

The man forced a smile and nodded, saying to his boys, "You wanted to try out for child porn. Well, this could be a start!" The boys took their time undressing, looking very nervous.

"Hi, I'm Trevor. I'm eight, almost nine. What's your name?" I asked the boy next to me. "Stephen," he said, "and I'm nine." "If you're nervous, don't be! You're a cute boy, and if you like this, you could probably work in porn too, I think."

Stephen's face lit up, his nervousness fading. "Do you really think so?" he asked with a smile.

"Of course!" I said. "But you have to like sex a lot, and you have to understand what it means to love people that you will never meet. Think about the people who you will make happy by letting them share your body, and imagine they are there with you. Love the actors you are with, and love the people you are performing for. That's the key." I was proud of all that. It was almost like I had a speech written or something. Really, I just told him what I had been hearing from everyone at Frenetic.

"Wow, thanks!" he said with a huge smile.

I kissed him on the lips and said, "We always kiss to show our love. I hope you can kiss and love people too." He didn't seem to know what to say after that.

We took a few pictures from a few different angles. Then Sebastian and I surprised everybody by turning the boys back to back, kneeling down, and sucking their cocks while Randy continued taking photos. We didn't suck them for long, but then we got a few shots of all of us with boners. Then as a final treat to their father, Sebastian and I posed naked with him, kissing him on both cheeks at the same time, sitting on his lap (Lucien had brought us a chair), and one very special pose with Sebastian only, in which the man laid Sebastian across his lap and held his hand to Sebastian's ass as if he were spanking him. "Thank you," said the man to Sebastian. "That was a dream come true! I will frame that picture and put it somewhere very special." The dad thanked us repeatedly as his boys got dressed again. A small crowd that had gathered to watch us gave us a round of applause and began to dissipate. I kissed the other boy and asked his name. "Douglas," he said. "I'm ten."

"I hope you find a good studio to work for, Douglas," I said. "I think you and Stephen would look lovely in child porn videos, and you would love the people you work with. Just mind which studios you apply to. I'm very new to child porn, but everybody says Frenetic is the best. People tell me there are several other good studios, but most small studios are horrible, nasty places. I see your dad has Randy's card. Randy will give him great advice about studios, but don't be surprised if he tries to get you guys into Frenetic."

"Thanks," said Douglas. "We knew we wanted to try our hands at child porn to see if we liked it, but we didn't know where to begin."

"I think you've already begun," I said, looking at Randy. "That bloke, Randy, he's very important at Frenetic Studios. He's my agent, and he's the one who discovered me. He might have just discovered you as well." Douglas' face had a huge grin developing on it as he turned to walk toward his dad and Randy. "I think you should wait, Douglas. Let them talk. If Randy likes you, and I think he does, you're in. It's your father who has to sign the contract though, so best let Randy talk with him. He's great with parents." Douglas nodded and stayed with me. "I would love to do a scene with you," I said to him, smiling. "I love your ass, and I'd love to play with it." He blushed as I squeezed his ass and collected another kiss.

I turned to Lucien, who had been waiting patiently with a new pair of pink knickers, and handed him the black ones that I had removed for the pictures. "Have you checked the yellow ones are ok?" I asked him. When he nodded, I said, "Fine, I'll take these three."

"Come on boys," said the boys' father, shaking Randy's hand. "Time for us to leave these busy people alone. And thanks again Randy, and thank you Sebastian and Trevor! You've been so lovely to us! Randy, I'll be in touch!"

"Would Mr. Trevor Sir like to try on something else, or shall we go to the dressing room and get you attired again?" asked Lucien

I went to Randy to talk privately with him. This was my first brush with fame, and I wasn't even famous yet. "Is that how we should act around fans?" I asked him.

"Only if you want to," he said, "but while you were in the dressing room, I told Sebastian I liked those two boys, and maybe they would be interested in working for us in porn. That's why Sebastian was giving them so much extra attention."

"So all those pictures you took, are you going to show them to Mr. Eastman?

"Yes, I am," he said. "The boys' father gave me permission to show them to Eastman, and to try to use them to find an agent for them. I think they have potential, don't you?"

"I thought Stephen was really sweet." "I did to," said Randy, "but more importantly, his sweetness is obvious in his pictures. That's what sells in this business. Douglas doesn't come across as sweet in his pictures though. He has a different kind of beauty. He has grace and elegance, like our Ryan, only he's a bit more butch, like our Boris. That is also a type we need at Frenetic. If those boys want it, I think they will be in the fall class this year."

I looked again at Lucien, who was holding the three pairs of knickers I wanted, and I said to Randy, "Oh yeah, I want to buy those, the pink, the black, and the yellow ones."

"Ok Hawk. Are you interested in anything else in this department?"

"Oh yes! That have so many sexy kinds of undies!" I said. Then, turning to Lucien, I said, "Yes please, I would also like to try some other things on."

I had never been in a store where it was ok to be naked, let alone give a boy a blowjob. However, looking around, I didn't see anyone else who was naked. Randy told me later that only famous boy porn actors can be naked or have sex play in Gold Boys of Chelsea. Sebastian was a famous boy porn actor, and I was with him. Word was also circulating rapidly among the employees at Gold Boys of Chelsea that I was already signed and had finished my first film, and that the studio expected me to be very famous. That meant that I could be naked too while I was there.

"Trevor Boy, come see," said Sebastian. He had found a pretty pink sequined boy thong. I was in love with it immediately. I handed it to Lucien, who had followed me to meet Sebastian. Lucien looked at its tag and swapped it for another one hanging on the display rack.

"Trevor Sir must 'ave just exactly the proper fit," he said with a smile. "And be careful Sir," he said, "that you do not wear this one inside-out!" I giggled politely, imagining the sequins scraping the front of my cock.

"Paisley," I said to Sebastian. "I love paisley! Maybe they have something in paisley here?"

"But of course," said Lucien. "If you like, I will show you." We followed Lucien to the other side of the department, where there was a rack of pure silk bikini briefs in several patterns. One was fine purple silk with gold and black paisley embroidery. "Very elegant, very good designer, from Paulo of Lisbon. Only the 'ighest quality silk, and 'and embroidered with threads wound with 24 carat gold. You will see an additional soft, silk panel in the front to protect your penis from the rubbing against the embroidery. This is very 'igh quality. Mr. Trevor Sir will be the envy of any party wearing these." My jaw was falling open, and I nearly started to drool as I held them in my hands. They felt magical, and the gold threads made the paisley seem to hover above the purple silk, which itself had a sort of cloudy pattern to it. "Would Sir care to try these on as well?" I nodded in silent awe.

"Not always wear fancy pretty sexy knickers for filming," said Sebastian. "Need sometimes undies more plain. Little boy also need undies for cute little boy look." "I have my Sponge Bob Y-fronts, my Winnie the Pooh Y-fronts, my purple Teletubby Y-fronts, My Thomas the Tank Engine Y-fronts, and my Paddington Bear Y-fronts," I said. "I've also got plain Y-fronts in blue and brown. My stupid brother Ian says brown is the safety color for undies."

"Bah," he said, waving his hand, "that all fine. Need no more plain undie or cute boy undie. Here, Trevor Boy. Look for these." He pointed to a pair of white undies that were not as skimpy as bikini undies, but they were a bit skimpier than a pair of Speedos. They were the whitest white I had ever seen. They also had very dark black ones, darker than any fabric I'd ever seen, and a pair colored lavender also caught my eye. I told Lucien I wanted to try on one of each. He left us to retrieve the white ones from a storeroom in the back.

I smiled at Sebastian and said, "This is brilliant! I've never felt so free or so sexy in my life!" Sebastian kissed me and tugged my cock, reminding me I was still naked.

Randy said, "Get used to this, Hawk. You will have access to the things you want from now on, and people will be happy to see you get them. But enjoy your freedom wile you can. Soon you will be a big star, and you will have to share your life with your fans." I smiled, thinking I could handle that.

Lucien returned, and I decided I wanted to shop for other clothing besides undies, so I decided it was time to try on what I had picked out already. Since I was already naked, I just grabbed a pair from Lucien and leaned over to put them on, but Lucien said, "Mais non monsieur! It is important to make an entrance when showing new clothing, Mr. Trevor, Sir. Please come with Lucien to the dressing room so they may see you properly."

One by one I tried on all of the undies I had picked out, beginning with the silk paisley ones. I could feel my whole pelvis shimmering in the light, and I felt like I was the princess, the prize for the warrior at the end of Ian's stupid and very old video game. I had goose bumps all over wearing them. It took some effort, but I carried on trying on the rest. Before long I had a boner problem. I kept looking in the mirror and seeing a sexy boy wearing skimpy, cute, sexy, elegant, and very pretty knickers. "But this is fine, Trevor Sir," said Lucien. "You must see 'ow these items 'andle your erections also. Surely in your business you will 'ave this 'appen from time to time, no?" So I tried on the last three undies with a full boner. Randy and Sebastian applauded my boner.

"I want these, Randy. All of them." After Lucien had taken me back to the dressing room, and I had put my own clothes back on, Randy opened his wallet and handed me my Visa card.

"That will be £1,017 please, Mr. Trevor." I was shocked! "For undies? I didn't know undies were so expensive."

"These are very special designer undies, Hawk," said Randy. "The purple silk with gold paisley pair cost six hundred quid alone. The rest were quite reasonable, and Lucien gave you a generous discount for the three that laced up in front." "Sir should never 'ave to see shoddy merchandise in this store," Lucien interjected with a look of disgust. "We are embarrassed that you saw such a thing, so I 'ave marked the three of them 'alf off, and they will be replaced for free and you will receive a full refund if there is another problem with these after I have inspected them carefully today. The maker of these garments will 'ear from me! You will not see such a thing at my counter again, I can assure you of that!"

"Thank you, Lucien," Randy continued. "You need clothes like this for your new life, and it costs a lot of money. The good news is that you have a lot of money, so have fun! The silk paisley undies are a real treat for you, and yeah, they are very, very pretty on you, and very sexy."

Randy winked at me as I handed my Visa card to Lucien. Then Lucien wanted my autograph too, but Randy explained that I usually had to sign something whenever I used my Visa.

"You also wanted to look at Jewelry, didn't you, Hawk?" asked Randy.

When I nodded, Lucien asked, "May I show you gentlemen to our Jewelry department?" "No thank you, Lucien," said Randy. "We know the way. Thank you very much." "It 'as been a pleasure serving you today, Mr. Trevor Sir."

Chapter 24

Trevor learns a few tips from Sebastian about looking good while on a pittance of a budget (only a few thousand UK pounds). He also begins to have doubts and fears of embarrassment about his pretty/girly experiment, but Sebastian is a good friend and a good listener. There is nothing that Trevor wants to try that Sebastian hasn't already done, usually to a much greater extent. Still, there are things Trevor is not ready to do just yet. The tiniest germ of a trust issue is developing inside him. Why isn't he comfortable trying out some of these new things in front of Randy? Does he trust Sebastian more than he trusts Randy?

I was walking around with a thousand quid worth of underpants in a shopping bag. I had just spent more on eight pairs of underpants than Mum pays for a month of rent, food, and other bills with her alimony and dole money. What would she think, I wondered. She would do her nut. (That's another English expression.) She would tell me there wasn't "an ass large enough on God's Earth that would cost a thousand quid to cover with a decent pair of Y-fronts, even with bloody Sponge Bob printed on them!"

There were several things I would have to get used to in my new life. I reached down with my left hand and felt my thigh chain and the diamond Sebastian had let me wear. I had never seen one so big in my life, and there it was, just dangling on my leg as if nothing mattered. "Sebastian," I said, "I want nice things to hang from the chains you gave me first, and then maybe rings, maybe earrings, but they have to make me look pretty with my new clothes. Can you help me?"

"Of course will help Trevor Boy," he said. "That why I here for shop with you today."

Then I moved in close to his ear to say something I didn't want Randy to hear. "Then can you show me lipstick too? Or maybe eye makeup? I want to try to look as pretty as I can, but I'm nervous about makeup." I could feel the anxiety and the thrill competing for space in my head again, and I was enjoying the freedom to follow the thrill instead of cowering from the nervousness.

Sebastian was so sweet about this. He kissed me and whispered, "Of course help Trevor Boy be pretty this ways too. Feel better with no Randy Man when shops for makeup?"

"Yes please," I whispered back. "But how?"

"Is no problem. You leave for Sebastian. Is no problem." I kissed him again.

"I suppose I should get all of my clothes first though, so we know what to match?"

"Much sense, Trevor Boy. Soon you tell Randy Man, and no embarrass. You know he sweet man." I kissed Sebastian again, and again I wanted to cry.


We looked at a lot of jewelry that I could never afford, or so I believed at the time. Diamonds like the ones I was wearing cost tens of thousands. The one on my thigh might even have cost Sebastian over a hundred thousand. How could Sebastian let such expensive diamonds dangle from my body like this, without a care in the world? "Need good diamond, Trevor Boy. Look for you so pretty now. Have one big one, many small one, put for gold, for silver, for platinum, is many choice. But not have money now for good diamond. Trevor Boy need good diamond only, not cheap. If no good diamond, then zirconin… zirconinium work fine. Much better than cheap diamond." He took me to a different counter where things were much less expensive. "Trevor Boy! Look for that one!" he said excitedly. "Have pear shape for hang from chain! Look very pretty for you with nice outfit. Please," he turned to the assistant behind the counter, "we like for see pear zirconinium there." After a bit of pointing and frustration with Sebastian's English, the flustered shop assistant retrieved the correct one. "Have gold clasp for this?" he asked.

"Certainly, Sir," he said as he retrieved a small box from behind the counter.

"Oh Trevor Boy going look very pretty with this!" said Sebastian. He removed his diamond from my forehead and attached the pear zirconium in its place. "Look for mirror," he said.

The assistant slid a small mirror across the counter in front of me. I tilted it so I could see myself. "Oh Sebastian! It is pretty!" I said, "It is very pretty! It looks delicate and sparkly, and a little magical. It's just the perfect size too!" "I tell for you, Trevor Boy! We find pretty for you everywhere. Like Randy Man say, pretty boy make all things pretty he wear." He turned to the shop assistant again and asked, "have same one more large?"

"Have you got a larger one?" I asked the assistant myself, trying to spare him more embarrassment and frustration with Sebastian's English.

"I will look, Sir," he said. He opened and closed several drawers behind his counter and eventually turned around with a small box in his hands. "Perhaps something like this, Sir?"

"Have gold clasp?" asked Sebastian. "Need three please." Sebastian removed three huge zirconium stones from the box and looked them over closely. "Wish had glasses now." When the shop assistant had produced the three gold clasps, Sebastian connected one to my neck chain and one to my thigh chain. "Look now for large mirror," he told me, pointing to a full-length mirror behind me. I looked stunning, even in fake diamonds, and I knew it. I smiled and hugged Sebastian. "This how we need do jewelry first," he said. "Need make more film, then have more nice for jewelry."

Sebastian removed all the zirconium he had hung from my body and placed it back on the counter. Then he asked, "Have smaller size also for these?" The shop assistant turned around and found another box. "Need ten for small, two for middle, and five for large," he said, "all have gold clasp."

"Yes, Sir," said the assistant.

"Why ten small ones?" I asked him.

"So can have five for bracelet, maybe ankle chain," he said. "Also can put many smaller stone with larger stone. I show for you." He attached one medium stone to the middle of my forehead chain and flanked it with two smaller stones. "See? Can also mix other color. Look nice and not expensive." He was right. I was so glad he was with me. I would have been hopeless shopping for jewelry by myself. "Ok Trevor Boy, have white, now need black, pink, green, red, then have enough for these."

When the assistant had assembled the zirconium, I asked, "Do you have other stones like this, only in black or red or other colors?"

"For similar use, Sir? To hang from your lovely chains?"

"Yes please. That's what I'd like to do, Sir." When he realized we weren't just going to make him work all day for cheap costume jewelry, he suddenly came to life. Sebastian later told me that the assistant knew him well, and that he had probably been disappointed to see him shopping for the inexpensive stuff instead of diamonds that cost thirty thousand quid. I was surprised at how quickly he had put together sets of onyx, pink amethyst, garnet, and jade. (One day it would be rubies and emeralds instead of garnets and jade, I thought to myself.) The stones weren't expensive like diamonds, but I was purchasing a total of fifty small stones, ten medium stones, and twenty-five large stones. He said it would take a while to assemble the remaining clasps, so Sebastian and I looked at the earring display.

"No have pierce in ear, Trevor Boy. Want for pierce in ear?"

"I don't know," I said. Sebastian and Boris and most of the older kids at Frenetic had pierced ears, but that seemed to be something I should discuss with Randy.

"Oh, is good talk Randy Man first," said Sebastian after I told him my thoughts. "He know you little, little boy little, might make look not so little if have pierce for ear."

We found several pairs of earrings anyway that looked good on my forehead chain or on my thigh, and they weren't more than a hundred quid each.

When the assistant finished with my stones, I asked him for one more item. "Do you have a ring that comes in both boys and girls styles and has a large ruby in the middle and one small diamond on each side?"

Sebastian hugged me and kissed me excitedly because he knew exactly what I was doing. "Trevor Boy so sweet! So sweet for wear ring for Annie! You wear girl ring some time and wear boy ring some time? Or one for give Annie?" he asked with a concerned look.

"I will see what we have in our inventory, Sir."

"Do you think I should give him one too?" I hadn't thought of that. The idea of getting the two for me had just occurred to me. "I thought I should wear the girl version or the boy version depending on my outfit. I should buy one for him too. If I can buy two for me, I can buy one for him. It might be super expensive though."

"Trevor Boy, maybe scare for him if give ring now," he said seriously. "Too soon I think. Give ring mean something. Give ring mean in love always and want for be married when older, for some people. But for Trevor Boy, if wear ring for show Annie you think of him, even when feel like boy, even when feel like girl, is very sweet. Have piece of hims heart on finger is very sweet. If gift, maybe give for him sexy panties or pretty dress."

"I was able to locate these, Sir," said the assistant as he returned from his search. He put two red felt boxes on the counter and opened them. "I am afraid they are quite modest, but they did fit Sir's description. They are eighteen carat gold with a half carat ruby flanked by a diamond baguette on either side. The boys' style features a wider band and slightly more gold. The girls' style features, as you can see, a more ornate mounting for the stones. They cost a mere three hundred pounds, but they are discounted to five hundred if you purchase the set. Would Sir like to try one on?"

"Yes please," I said. He handed me the boys' ring and I slid it onto my finger. It was too large, but it looked nice on me. It was Annie's face smiling at me, even when he wasn't around. "And the girls' one, please?" I asked. Annie was right. Girls got all the pretty things! Boys got plain, boring things, and girls got pretty things. I didn't understand it. "I would like both of these if you have them in my size please. "On which finger would Sir like to wear his ring?" I turned to Sebastian and asked, "Which finger should I use?"

"As boy, you grow still," he said, "so wear for big finger now, then little fingers grow, wear for little finger. It fit now, it fit different finger then."

The assistant looked at me as if he expected a Russian translation. I giggled and told him I would wear it on my middle finger. He offered me a set of size rings to determine what size I needed. "And does Sir know the ring size of the fortunate young lady?"

"I think it's the same as mine," I said, not wishing to explain things. "Very well Sir, I shall return directly with your rings." "That's not so expensive, is it?" I asked Sebastian.

"Bah! Trevor Boy, you give six hundred pound for fancy knicker and ask now if five hundred too much for two pretty ring with ruby and diamond? Kiss me silly boy. Need for kiss some sense into silly head for you!" He kissed me and then returned his diamonds to my forehead and thigh chains. "Wear nice things. You nice boy."

"I have your rings, Sir," the assistant said when he returned. "Should the young lady's ring need adjustment for size, she may simply bring it by. There will be no charge." I looked at Sebastian, and we shared a giggle. "Will that be all, Sir?" he asked.

"There were some earrings I liked here too." I pointed out four pairs that Sebastian and I liked. "That's all I need for now."

Sebastian went to fetch Randy, who was talking on his cell phone some distance away. "That will be £2,126 Sir," said the assistant when he had tallied things up.

Randy finished his phone call and paid for the jewelry. The assistant handed him a receipt and said, "Thank you for your custom, Sir."

"Don't thank me, Rupert," said Randy. "Trevor Hawk here is your customer. I just paid you with his money. You might want to remember his name. This boy is going places!" he said with a broad smile. "And you can say you sold him the last zirconium stone he ever bought!"

The assistant turned to me and said, "Thank you indeed, Sir."

I smiled at him and said, "You're welcome." Then I kissed Sebastian, and we giggled as we walked off to find some shirts for me.

Chapter 25

Trevor and Sebastian round off their shopping adventure at Gold Boys of Chelsea with a little bit of private retail therapy, away from Randy. After making his final clothing purchases, Trevor slinks off to the cosmetics department with Sebastian after ditching Randy to learn just the right shades of lipstick to use with his new outfits.

I had been watching the other boys in the store as they shopped, and I had been paying attention to the things I liked about their clothing. I've always liked very short shorts, baggy or tight, as long as they're short. Trousers that reach the knees should not be called shorts, and I still believe this. They should be called halves, because they cover half the leg.

Some of the things I liked about what boys were wearing for shirts were if they were open at the front, if they had no sleeves or baggy sleeves, if they were cropped short so the bare waist showed, if they were somehow bright or sparkly, and if something about them moved or flowed when the boy walked. I also liked the hippie fringe look, with long strings hanging in rows across the sleeves and back, from one cuff to the other. Man or woman, boy or girl, they could have their way with me in those days if they wore a fringe shirt.

I had just spent six hundred quid on one pair of bikini knickers, and I needed a top to go with them. I was not about to cover them with trousers, so the shirt had to be spectacular. That was our first goal as Sebastian and I went arm-in-arm through the shirts section. I decided to take off my shorts and shirt while standing in the aisle in the shirts section and put on the expensive knickers so I could try things on as we saw them, and so Sebastian could look at the colors and see if they matched. I could feel the energy of these magic undies as I pulled them up my legs and over my ass. It gave me a boner again to put these undies on, but I decided that a boy wearing knickers like these could also wear a proud boner as he shopped. We spent twenty minutes looking through the shirts, and there were loads of sexy styles, but nothing that matched my knickers. In the end we asked a shop assistant, who we had been trying to avoid, for help matching a top to my knickers. He smiled and said, "I have just the thing! It's from the same collection by Paolo of Lisbon." He led us to a display that featured a mannequin wearing a cropped purple silk vest with gold and black embroidered paisley, just like my undies, with lightweight silk fringes in a row along the back between the shoulders. My boner stiffened, and my body trembled.

I just fell into Sebastian, who giggled as he held me. "Thinks Trevor Boy must try vest, yes?" he said. The assistant retrieved the vest and helped me into it. I was transformed into a sex god immediately. I was grateful that I wasn't shooting cum yet, because every move I made sent jolts of electricity through my hard cock.

The assistant noticed I was still wearing Sebastian's white Mary Janes, and he directed my attention to a pair of boots in the same Paolo Paisley design. He gestured for me to sit in a chair so he could measure my shoe size. My leg was shaking as he removed my shoe, so he had to wrap his arm around it to steady me in order to get a measurement. He pulled a box of boots from under the display and slipped one on my foot. My leg began shaking again as he did up the zip on the inside of the boot. With some effort, he managed to get me out of the other shoe and into the other boot. Only Sebastian could have helped me to a mirror. "Oh Trevor Boy, want for fuck now here in store," he said as we were walking to the mirror. I had the impression that no one would object if we did.

And there he was, there in the mirror. Ganymede. Hermes. Eros. Boy god of love and beauty. Focus of jealous rage among the greater gods. The pinnacle of boy beauty, standing atop Olympus, begging for a good hard shag. Come ye men of strength and honor! Fight with courage to win my love, for I am HAWK BOY, god of boy beauty and sexual perfection!


We looked around at other vests for a while. I chose a white leather one, a black silk one, and a pink leather one, all cropped short, and only the white one had fringes. I was also happy to see the white one had matching leather bikini undies with fringe as well. I chose two shirts like the one I was wearing, one white and one pink, though Sebastian thought I was silly to buy the white one. "Keep for you this one wearing," he said. "Hear Randy for coffee shop? He say too much thing in Sebastian closet. Look very sexy for Trevor Boy." I handed the white shirt back to the assistant, then hugged and kissed my sweet Sebastian.

Then I found button-up crop tops, and I chose white, pink, and yellow. I also got short satin jackets like Sebastian's in white and pink, and Sebastian talked me into a yellow one. It was summer, and I didn't want to get shirts that I couldn't wear with my shorts, but I saw this lovely pink and blue paisley silk button-up that I had to have. Sebastian kissed me and told me I was silly, and that I was shopping like a girl.

That made me feel warm inside my body. I wanted Sebastian to be like a girl friend. Not like a girlfriend, but a friend who is a girl, so we girls could spend girl time together doing girl things that would make Boris want to vomit. We were having the girls' shopping day that I wanted. Everything I wanted seemed to be happening in my new life. Randy followed us at a distance, spending a great deal of time on his cell phone, but when he was close by he seemed to be enjoying himself too.


Randy's whole life seemed to be about child porn. Well, boys in child porn. He was very kind and so helpful, and I would have none of this if it weren't for him. I learned that Boris, Sebastian, Annie, and I were his only clients as an agent, but he also got money for discovering new kids. That means that if kids like Stephen and Douglas got contracts with Frenetic, Randy would get a large bonus for finding them. He was associate producer as well on all films in which Boris, Sebastian, Annie, or I performed, even if it was just a small part. Then he made a bit of money by filming his own child porn movies and selling them to Frenetic, who would in turn release them with a different company they owned, called Boys in Action Films, which they usually just call BIA.

My contract allowed me to perform in any film made by any employee of Frenetic as long as I was paid my standard fee, according to my contract with Frenetic, and as long as the film was first offered to Frenetic for purchase. Films made for charity, private films, or films made for educational purposes didn't have to pay me anything, but I could choose whether I wanted to work in them. Over the years, I've made several films for charity. It feels good to help out with causes I believe in, and Randy and Bill (my American publicist) tell me it increases my profile and increases sales of my regular videos.

With all the camera gear that Mr. Eastman had given me as a signing gift, I could also make my own films, and I could sell them to BIA as well. In fact, Randy had told me that Mr. Eastman wanted to keep my profile as high as possible, so any film I made that featured me on-camera would first be considered for purchase by Frenetic, and not BIA. At the time I didn't know what that meant, but I would tell Randy or Markus if I filmed anything, and they would make sure I handled it properly.

I didn't know it at the time, but Randy had spent most of that evening when we were at Gold Boys of Chelsea negotiating deals for promoting me. It turns out there are many more ways to make money in this business other than making films.


The shirts, vests, jackets, and boots cost a packet at £2,917. The paisley boots and vest alone were £2,200. That used up all of my trust fund money, and there was only £330 left in my spending account, plus my £200 in cash. "Must look for shoes with rest of money," said Sebastian. "Need for have white, pink, red. Have already black for school uniform," he said. "Socks also." I was spending so much money, and I didn't know if it was possible to find shoes for less than £330, but I wanted to save my cash for makeup so Randy wouldn't need to know that I had bought it.

We took the elevator to the 7th floor for foot- and legwear. I found a lovely pair of pink Mary Janes right away. Then Sebastian spotted a pair of white lace-ups with a Rhinestone pattern that could be boys' or girls' style. "I think we should look for red shoes some other time," I said. These shoes together cost £240, and I still needed socks.

"Remember you still have cash," said Randy.

"Yes," I said, trying to think of an excuse, "but I want to buy something special with that." He could tell I wanted to keep it private, and £200 was a trivial amount of money to him, so he didn't ask questions.

I bought three pairs of white tube socks with pink stripes, black stripes, and plain white; two pairs each of ankle socks in white and pink, with ruffles and without; red and white stay-up nylon stockings with pretty lace tops; and a black pair of fishnet stay-up stockings that I thought would look lovely with my paisley outfit. "Stay-up stockings good. Can also use for garter if want," Sebastian had told me. That came to £115, so my total in foot- and legwear was £355. I had to use £25 of my cash, but the remaining £175 seemed enough for makeup.

"Randy Man," said Sebastian, "have good beer in pub next for store?"

"Oh yes," Randy replied. "Will you two be ok if I slip out for a swift half?"

I smiled at Sebastian. I suspected he had set this up with Randy while I wasn't paying attention. "Be fine, Randy Man," said Sebastian. "Sebastian take care for Trevor Boy. Is no problem. We shop together, not use card for Trevor. Meet you for pub after finish for him." When Randy boarded the elevator, Sebastian and I waited until it moved. Then he pressed the button for another elevator car that took us to cosmetics on the 4th floor. ***

"How may I help you young gentlemen today?" asked the lady at the makeup counter.

I suddenly felt shy. Sebastian spoke up for me and said, "Need lipsticks for friend here for match new clothes, also mascara and eye line too please." I glanced at Sebastian, feeling embarrassment flow across my red cheeks at what he had so casually said to the lady.

"Oh," she said, "won't you look just lovely!"

Sebastian showed her many of the clothes I had purchased, and they discussed different lipstick shades. She took me to a dressing room and helped me change into my new paisley outfit with the black fishnet stockings. We returned to the counter, and Sebastian looked me over carefully. "So much sexy Trevor Boy," he said. "I think for purple, this here," he said to the assistant. I sat on a chair in front of the counter so she could apply the lipstick. She showed me a mirror on the countertop. I liked myself in lipstick, but it was darker than I had expected. "Try for large mirror, sexy boy," said Sebastian.

I stared into the mirror, and I was oblivious to the passage of time. "So pretty," I said softly. The assistant helped me change into various other outfits, and she and Sebastian chose two more shades of red, one that seemed very red, and one that was a softer red, and slightly darker. Then the assistant asked me to close my eyes while she applied eyeliner and mascara. "Now this eye makeup is 100% waterproof, so you can even wear it swimming." I wondered if she could tell I was an emotional boy. It was a good thing too, because a few tears did flow when I stood in front of the full-length mirror, and Sebastian handed me some flowers from a display.

Sebastian put one of the flowers in my hair, and I was an angel made of pure pretty! I kissed him, getting some of the purple lipstick on him, which made him giggle. "Now have I also pretty for lips," he said.

The makeup came to £165, which left me with exactly ten quid. I had spent £6,690 on clothes and makeup in one night. The assistant said I could keep the flowers. [£6,690 equals €7,453 / $8,744 / ¥984,803 (October 2017)].

Chapter 26
Another Business Meeting

t's time for another business meeting. The boys meet up with Randy at the pub, where Trevor learns his schedule for tomorrow, and he will be very busy with appointments at the clinic and with his first live performance, which comes with an opportunity to earn more first-time bonus money. When he learns how much money he will earn in total, he goes into a sort of emotional stupor. But it's too much for little Trevor to handle. He cannot accept his new life as real, and in a fit of overwhelming emotion he says a few things to hurt someone he loves.

I decided to wear the Paolo Paisley outfit to meet Randy at the pub. After I changed into it, Sebastian and I made our way to the exit. He insisted on carrying my shopping bags and following behind me because he said I was the pretty queen and everyone should look at me, not him. And they did! There were whistles and comments about the pretty, lovely boy who was passing by all the way into the street. When I made my entrance into the pub, most people seemed to stop talking and looked at me. "By God he's gorgeous!" said one woman, and several customers applauded in agreement. Hearing that didn't seem to affect me very much because it was so surreal.

Randy hung up his cell phone as we approached his table and sat down. "Two root beers for the boys," he called to the barman, "and another half for me." He turned to me, smiling proudly, and said, "By God, you really are gorgeous!"

"I'll get that," said a man as he stepped up to the bar with his wallet in hand." "Thank you sir, but we've private business to discuss," said Randy. "It's no matter," said the man. "I'll get your drinks just the same and we'll leave you to your business. Boys like them are a lovely sight to have in here." "Here here," called a few other customers. "Then we thank you," said Randy. "Yes, thanks," I said to the man, while Sebastian nodded in agreement. Turning to Randy I asked, "Must we discuss business again?"

"I'm afraid so," he said, "but it's all good news. We must plan for tomorrow. It will be another big day for our new star!"

When our drinks arrived, Randy raised his glass to the man who had paid for them. Sebastian and I did the same. "To your good health," said Randy.

"First," he said, turning to Sebastian, "do you feel up to a scene with Baron Gargantua tomorrow morning? I should think that you would be a bit sore after your gang bang scene this afternoon."

"Randy Man know better for ask such silly thing for Sebastian! Is fine. Ass feel good. I do scene. Not see him for much, much time. For film Czech, I think. Much love for Baron G. Trevor Boy must see. Baron G have 35 centimeter long cock and have 20 centimeter go around cock."

"That's about fourteen inches long and eight inches around to you and me, Hawk," said Randy.

I held up my hands to imagine how long that was, and Randy pulled them much farther apart. "Oh wow," I whispered.

"And around is like for bottle." He held up his root beer bottle, pointing at the lower portion.

"All right, fine," said Randy. "That's an early call time again, Sebastian, seven o'clock. You will only have that one scene in the morning. It is time for your rectal exam, and Dr. Gupta will see you right after lunch. He's quite happy about seeing you immediately after an extreme anal scene. I don't think he believes all the rumors about your miraculous ass." Sebastian giggled proudly. "I think he wants to write you up in a medical journal if your exam goes well tomorrow. If he does, I think you should tell him it's ok, and it's very important to give him your business card and tell him to call me," he said.

"Hawk, you should also carry a few of these with you always," he said, handing me about two dozen of his business cards. "If anybody asks you anything about business, give them one of these and tell them they should talk to your agent about anything important. The studio will have custom business cards printed for you, like the ones Sebastian has." Sebastian gave me a business card with a nude photo of him that filled the whole card, his name in large print, the studio name in slightly smaller print, Randy's name in even smaller print, and in the smallest print, Randy's phone and fax numbers and his email address.

"Sebastian!" I said slowly and with surprise. "You look gorgeous! I want to fuck this boy now!"

He smiled and said, "I know. Sebastian is looks good, but is also studio takes picture, use for good light, use for Photoshop, is very professional. Wait till see Trevor Boy picture!" Randy nodded with a smile, then brought us back to business. "Sebastian, we can also get you in tomorrow afternoon for your monthly appointment with Linda. I thought since you couldn't do an afternoon scene because of your appointment with Gupta, we should get both appointments in."

"Ok, is good," said Sebastian, nodding.

"Why don't you put your feet up, Hawk," Randy said as he reached under the table to lift my fishnet-covered legs onto his lap. "You are so pretty, so lovely, I want to hold part of you while we talk, is that ok?"

"Of course it is," I said with a smile. "I love you Randy, and I want to share myself with you, and you too, Sebastian." I offered Sebastian a leg.

He giggled and said, "No, is ok Trevor Boy. Love for you also, but Randy Man love leg. Have fetish." He put one of his own legs next to mine on Randy's lap and giggled. "Is wonderful give for fetish, no? Make man very, very happy, and so easy. For Randy Man, just give for him leg, he cum only one minute if want."

"It's all true, I confess, but only with cute boy legs," said Randy with a wink. We all giggled. I wondered if I had a fetish. My favorite part of a boy's body was his face, especially his eyes, and then everything from his waist to his knees. His cock wasn't even that important to me unless it was going inside my ass or down my throat, in which case size mattered. (Sorry to be so shallow, but it's what I liked when I was eight, almost nine, and I am writing an honest account here.) I loved long hair on a boy too, like Boris and Sebastian's hair, or a really cute medium cut. When a boy shakes his head, his hair should move. But I especially loved the ass and the thighs, including the hips, and everything nearby. I liked to hold them and caress them when I gave a boy a blowjob. I wondered then, and I still wonder today, whether that was a fetish like Randy's leg fetish or just my way of loving a boy's body. But since I loved touching a boy in those places, I liked being touched in those places. That's why the thigh chains that Sebastian gave me made me feel so sexy, and so horny. Of course that's also why I liked such short shorts on boys.

"Ok, back to business," he said as he caressed my legs. "Hawk, you and I are going to have a very busy day. First we will drop Sebastian and Boris off at the studio. Boris is going to see if he can fluff on the ladyboy shoot again in the morning. Then you and I will be visiting the apartments and dormitories. I want you to see all of the facilities and amenities as well. Then I think it's time you had a proper tour of the rest of the studio grounds. This is not only your workplace, but I hope it will also be your home. There is more here than you probably realize. We have a lovely little self-contained village." He smiled proudly. It was not the smile of a salesman who wanted me to buy something expensive. His smile said something that I was feeling. It said he was genuinely happy to be where he was at Frenetic. It told me I could believe him when he said such wonderful things about Frenetic, and about my new career. He was sincere, but I wasn't sure my mind was ready to cope with the wonderful new truth. Let me give you a spoiler alert here. Everything turned out fantastic, and I have loved my career and everybody with Frenetic and Frenetic America since I first began at age eight, almost nine. "Then," he continued, "I will drop you off at the clinic. You will have your first general physical exam with our pediatrician Dr. Benson tomorrow morning at nine. And as I just mentioned to Sebastian, the Dr. Gupta, our colon and rectum specialist, will be at the studio tomorrow. I have you scheduled to see him immediately following Dr. Benson. Then you are scheduled for your first evaluation with Linda Bates, one of our staff psychologists. That will be a two-hour appointment, but you will have a break at the halfway point. Initial assessments take a long time. You will be at the clinic for some time tomorrow. When your appointment with Linda is over, someone will walk you to the actors' dining area for an early lunch."

"Early lunch?" I asked. "Do I have work tomorrow?"

"Indeed you do!" Randy looked quite excited. "You are going to make a lot of money tomorrow, Trevor. You will not be working on a film though. Mr. Eastman has two special projects for you. The first involves you and Boris." I was listening intently. I didn't know what a special project meant, but Randy seemed excited.

"Eastman has been spreading the word about you to our foreign distributors. He has sent out a few snaps taken on the set during your shoots, and a very short video clip, thirty seconds, I think. He is being very careful with his plans to introduce you to the world. He has given the distributors just enough to make them want more. This is where Mr. Eastman's brilliance really shines, boys!" I was beginning to think that Randy was easily excited. "He has invited distributors here from around the world to see a live performance with you and Boris."

"A live performance?" I asked.

"Yes," said Randy, "a live performance. It's just like filming a scene, only there is just one take, and instead of technical crews everywhere, there will be an audience. There will be small cameras operating remotely that will be out of sight, but there will be a lot of lights on you, just like shooting a scene on-camera. The only difference is that the audience might applaud or cheer, or they might have a special request for the stage manager to pass on to us. What do you think, Hawk? You get to have sex in front of a live audience. I know you've always wanted that." I thought about it. Now that I was sexy, and everybody wanted me, it felt exciting. "The pay is fantastic for live performances as well," he continued. It counts as one scene in your contract. That means your next on-camera scene should pay £6,000, but if you do the live performance, your pay for your next on-camera scene will be £7,000. Here's the best part: the live performance pays four times as much as your next scene would pay, so for you that means you would get £24,000, less my commission. The nice part is that the show is only a half hour long, though Mr. Eastman will almost certainly ask you to stay and talk to the guests for a while."

"Wow," I said. Suddenly it didn't seem so crazy to spend six hundred quid on a pair of knickers. "Of course I'd love to do it with Boris," I said.

"They will probably want to see you with a man too," said Randy. "You will possibly need a good report from the rectum specialist to permit that, depending on the man and his size."

"Can you be the man?" I asked Randy. "I know you, and I love you. I would really like it if it were you." "Eastman had that same idea," said Randy. "It's always best in new situations to make a boy as comfortable as possible. That's why we chose Boris as the older boy. He's happy for the work too. He doesn't like fluffing, unless he can get in with the Asian ladyboys, and he hasn't had as much on-camera work as he should be getting. Besides, we look very good together. Our hair, our coloring, our body contrasts, we are visually a good match." He paused, as if preparing himself to tell me my puppy had been run over. "Trevor," he said, "when you have your exam with the rectum specialist, the nurse will give you two enemas before you begin. You have to be very clean inside for that exam." I nodded, understanding why that would be important for a doctor who needed to examine the inside of my ass. "And we have flavored lube at the studio that tastes quite good," he added.

"Do I need to swallow some of the lube?" I asked, a little queasy at the idea.

"No, Hawk," he said, "but you will need to suck Boris' cock after it's covered with lube." "Oh," I said. "Can I taste the lube first?" "Certainly, Hawk, certainly." He paused again. There was something more he hadn't told me. "Now, you will be perfectly clean inside, and Boris will fuck your ass." I nodded, no big deal. "Then I will fuck your ass, after Boris has you stretched open."

"Ok," I said.

"Then Eastman wants you to suck Boris' cock until he cums in your mouth." "He can cum in my mouth," I said. "I like his cum!" "Understand, Hawk," said Randy, "that you will be sucking his cock straight after it's been inside your ass." I coughed, and some of my root beer came up through my nose, which really hurts! "You didn't think that looked very fun earlier today," he continued, "but that was before you understood about cleaning out your ass on the inside with enemas. Lots of actors do this for bonus pay. It's called ATM, which means ass-to-mouth. If this were a film, you would get a £1,000 kink and fetish bonus, or K and F bonus for ATM, but everything for live performances is multiplied by four, so you would get a K and F bonus of £4,000. But that's not all, Hawk. Remember that you get pay for doing things for the first time on film? Eating pussy for the first time got you £1,000 today, and doing ATM for the first time would get you £2,000 if you did it for a film, but since this is a live performance, that would be £8,000 for your first time bonus. That means £12,000 all together in bonuses for doing ATM, and £24,000 for the live performance. That's £36,000 for a half-hour show, less my commission. And remember, the £12,000 bonus money goes into your spending account. You made a lot of money yesterday and a lot more today, but tomorrow, this one performance will earn you at least five times more!"

"Ok," I said nervously. "Do you have flavored lube at your house so I can try it?"

"Yes I do," he said, "but remember, for the £8,000 first time bonus, you cannot try this on anyone. It has to be your first time ever when you do it for the live performance." "I know," I said trying to think of a way I could try it first without cheating. Maybe I could try it with my finger? "Can I wear my new outfit for the performance?" I asked.

"I'm afraid not, Hawk. Eastman's angle on this is that it will be a sort of preview for your first movie, St. Felix Academy. You will wear the same school uniform, and so will Boris. You can wear the knickers under your shorts though. I will wear schoolmaster robes with a suit and tie." I had mixed feelings about that uniform. It was stupid and dorky. The short trousers were embarrassingly short for a school uniform, but I like short shorts. I had also learned that some people have fetishes for boys in school uniforms, and I like to make people happy. I put my hands on Randy's hand and moved it farther up my thigh as I slouched a bit.

"The performance is scheduled to begin at 1:30, in the Alain Emery Theater," Randy continued, clearing his throat. "I will meet you at the actors' dining area and walk you to the office building where the theater is. There is a very brief script. You'll record most of your lines in the morning because they will be played during the performance as things you are thinking. First you go down on Boris, blah blah blah, the two of you do 69, he fucks you, I enter, he sucks me, I fuck you, he face fucks you, we take turns jacking you off, we all cum. That's how the draft script looks now anyway. Quite straightforward, but the sooner you cum, the better. They love to see a boy get fucked past his orgasm. The energy is intense, especially if they see you being held down and forced to take it."

That gave me a boner. Randy and Boris would hold me down and make me cum, and keep going, no matter what did. I might scream, but the people watching would love it. I would give them that! "Can't I suck you?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," he said. "This scene is about power and rank. You are the little underclassman, Boris is the elder student, and I am the schoolmaster. We serve who is immediately above us. But there is always the possibility of last-minute script changes. The guests might have requests for the show. Eastman will handle that with Rick, the stage manager."

"Ok," I said, wondering if he thought I wasn't going to suck him extra hard anyway when we got home.

"Then we have your second assignment for tomorrow, Hawk," Randy continued. "You will be filming a promotional video for Frenetic as a way of introducing yourself to the viewers. You will talk to the camera, talk about yourself, what you like about sex, all that, usually naked, and often you're being fucked or sucked while you're talking. You've got to try to keep a straight face and speak normally, but you probably won't be able to, and the public loves that sort of thing. We use two portable cameras, a sound tech, and a lighting tech. We will go to different locations around the studio complex to film these shots. We invite whoever is around to join you, but they know they won't be paid. It's their opportunity to meet the new boy and increase their own exposure. These promo films are always fun, and you get paid for it as well. The promo video counts as one scene in your contract, even though it will be like several smaller scenes, so your fee for that will be £7,000. You will also have more opportunities to earn bonus money. That means your total for tomorrow will be earning at least £43,000 in one afternoon. How does that sound?" "Fine," I said. I meant to say more and sound more excited, but I was speechless. I was certain I could buy a house for that much money.

"I tried to move the live performance back so we could do the promo shoot earlier," said Randy. "That would increase your total pay another £4,000 because the live show would count as your £7,000 scene, but Eastman is doing this as a lunch thing with the distributors. But still, that's a lot of money."

Randy removed one hand from my legs and rumpled my hair, then resumed my leg massage. "Trevor Boy believe when see for money, I think," said Sebastian. "Is true, live show pay much, much for money. Give huge tip most of time. Let feel for ass, give many, many tip."

"That's true," said Randy, "they will probably tip you a great deal of money, and they will probably expect to touch you briefly when they do. They might want a picture with you, or to kiss your cheek or rub your hair or pat you on the knee or something." He squeezed both of my thighs as he said this. "You do not have to allow photos or touches to the people who tip you though. It's considered a politeness if you do, but you are special. Mr. Eastman can make an announcement after the performance that no one may touch our special new star, even after tipping, because we are saving him as a special treat – something like that. Boris will certainly be mixing with the crowd, collecting tips for almost anything," he laughed.

"Boris, he whore for after live show. Do all things for tip, but make much, much money for tip," said Sebastian.

I imagined myself naked, surrounded by strangers, all of them reaching toward me, touching me everywhere, taking from me whatever gave them pleasure. I have always gotten boners very easily, but as an eight year-old, I think it was weird how often I got them. It's hardly a surprise that I got one while drifting off in those thoughts.

"Audience members will give you larger tips if you let them touch you more," continued Randy, "or in more private parts of your body, but don't let them do that if it makes you uncomfortable. I will be with you the whole time, and Mr. Eastman has security staff in the room to protect you as well. You will have your own personal security man named Raoul Rodriguez. Remember, you are always in charge of your body, and no one can touch it without your permission. We talked about kisses and cock tugs, if you remember." I nodded. "Those are two kinds of touch that everybody at Frenetic assumes you are ok with, and you've told me you're ok with it, but it's different at a live show. No one may kiss you or give you a cock tug or any kind of touch at all unless they ask you first, and each time they want to do it. If you give them permission, again, it's customary for them to give you a generous tip, especially if you kiss them on the lips or allow them to touch your penis, even a quick cock tug like you might get from the camera operator on the set. That should be worth a £500 or even £1,000 tip."

"No, Randy Man," said Sebastian. "For touch cock, always one southand, some time maybe two southand." "I'm not worried," I said. It was difficult to explain what I was feeling. Nothing was real, everything was wonderful beyond belief, and all of my dreams were coming true. My job was thrilling and exciting, full of adventure. People loved me, I was rich, and I was soon to be a celebrity. How do you describe that feeling if you've never had it before? I felt excited, fun, loved, afraid, unafraid, thrilled, happy, angry, relieved, worried, vulnerable, invulnerable, vengeful, awe-stricken, wonderment, free, and somehow very, very unreal. I still can't describe it using words. Maybe it's like getting an immaculate blowjob from God, but knowing if you accidentally let some precum drip into his mouth, he will skewer you with Satan's pitchfork.

"I'm ok, really I am," I said.

"Hawk, said Randy, "when people suddenly become wealthy or famous, it can be a struggle. You can have a lot of feelings, confusing feelings. It can be easy to make bad decisions. You are not alone. Everyone who has become a star through Frenetic has gone through this, and our psychologists know all about it. Talk to Linda, your psychologist, tomorrow. Tell her how confusing this is, or frustrating or wonderful or frightening or whatever. Use your own words, and if you struggle, she will help you find words for your feelings and understand them better. She will help you find ways to deal with them so you can enjoy all the good things that are happening right now." He paused for a moment. "I think it's also very important for you to talk about your mother and her drinking. See what she thinks about your living situation. She will see my intake report, which is my summary of your life, your personality, your qualities as they relate to your ability to do this job, all that. I described your home situation and your mother's alcoholism, and I wrote my recommendation that you live in the studio complex. She might not agree with what I've advised you to do. Listen to her. I do."

"You told her all that? All about me and Mum's drinking?" I pulled my legs down from his lap. "I suppose you told her about Ian and how he holds my head down the bog and flushes it! You had no right!" My fury had come on suddenly, and I knew I was shouting at the one person who had helped me more than any person in my life, but I was angry and embarrassed, and it felt good to shout at someone. I had so many feelings inside, both good and bad, and it's like he'd just said, I couldn't find words for them. But he'd told my secrets! "No bloody right, you bloody shit!" I began to cry, and these were not tears of joy. I thought these were tears of being betrayed, but in truth I felt hopelessly lost in this reality that simply could not be. "I trusted you!"

The pub got quiet again, and I could feel the eyes of forty strangers looking at me. This time it was not because they thought I was pretty or sexy or whatever. I put my head down on the table and sobbed. I felt the tabletop wobble as Randy's elbows rested on the edge. I felt Sebastian's slender hand on my forearm. I heard his voice saying softly, "Is difficult, Trevor Boy. Is difficult for trust person who make things all be different. Is very difficult, and Randy Man, he know is difficult for Trevor Boy. He know boy not trust him so soon. Is two day? Three? Why for trust Randy Man? Is too soon. Is too soon for Trevor Boy trust Sebastian I think. Randy Man know these things. Is not too soon for Sebastian trust Randy Man. For Trevor Boy, Yes."

He held my arm as I continued to sob. Randy did not touch me or try to comfort me. Sebastian was right. I was so suspicious of this whole dream not being real that I'd found a way to make it unreal. I'd found a way to make Randy seem dishonest and unworthy of my trust. "Trevor Boy, is ok no trust for Randy Man," said Sebastian. "Is not expect for trust Randy Man now, but should listen for Randy Man. No need trust for just listen." He gently squeezed my forearm.

I lifted my head, but I couldn't look at Randy. I was embarrassed for making such a scene, but I also felt hurt because it seemed my wonderful new life wasn't what it appeared to be. I nodded and said, "Sorry for shouting, Randy. And I'm sorry I called you… what I called you. I'll listen now, and I'll keep quiet."

I heard Randy sniffle before he began to speak in a soft voice. "Sebastian is right, Hawk, if I may still call you that." I nodded. "I cannot expect you to trust me. I think it's perfectly normal that you are having a problem trusting me right now. I think it's also very healthy to demand that people earn your trust, including me, because it should never be given lightly." His voice was wavering. He paused for a sip of his beer before continuing. "I wish there were an easier way to do this. It might not make you feel any better to know that feelings of mistrust and betrayal are common among new kids, and it's all for the same reason. This life truly is too good to be true." I put my head back down on the table and resumed my sobbing. "Sometimes we get kids to the psychologist early enough, and they can have a good blowout if they feel like it in a place where it's safe and private, and there are supportive professionals, but more often kids have struggles in everyday life." He sniffed again, and I heard him blow his nose. "Hawk, I would never hurt you, and I would like to explain what I did, and why. Would that be ok? You don't have to listen to me right now, but it would mean a lot to me if you did."

I nodded.

"Hawk, what I am going to tell you is about love. Your mother loves you, but she's not able to look after you properly. I've told you that I love you, and I feel that in my heart, even if it's difficult for you to believe. Your mother signed papers that give me responsibilities for your well-being. I will be acting in a lot of ways like a parent to you, in ways that your mum should have been acting for you if she didn't have such a horrible problem." He paused for another sip of beer. I was no longer sobbing, but I didn't want to look at anybody, so I kept my head down.

"When I do things for your well-being," he continued, "I must do them out of love. I am now responsible for your health care. Your mum is no longer responsible for seeing to it that you get proper medical care. She wasn't able to do that for you. That's my job now. When you've seen the doctor in the past, your mum has had to tell the doctor private things in order for the doctor to give you the proper treatment. Sometimes mums say embarrassing things to doctors. My mum sure did." He chuckled weakly, which made me feel a little better. "She sat there in front of me and told the doctor I wet the bed an asked if he had a pill for that!" I didn't want to giggle, and I especially didn't want him to see me giggling, but I think my back bounced up and down just a little. Randy wet the bed? "A psychologist is also a doctor. We call her Linda, but she is properly called Dr. Bates. Have you seen a psychologist before, Hawk?"

I shook my head but kept it down. I was becoming afraid to lift my head and look into the eyes of a dear man I'd just hurt. "A psychologist is a doctor who helps her patients think straight when they're confused, or to manage their feelings or problems. She is a doctor who works with the mind. In order to do that properly, she needs to know private things. She needs to know what you've been through, because that can affect how you think and feel today. Let's face it, Hawk, you've been through a lot for a boy your age. Being a child porn actor requires great mental and emotional strength, which I think you have. Yes you do!" I had just shaken my head, feeling mentally and emotionally very weak at the moment. "You try new things, though they might seem frightening at first. That does not stop you. You enjoy life, even though you've had precious little of it to enjoy so far. You know what you like, and you seek it out. And from what I can tell, the thing that gives you the greatest pleasure in life is giving happiness to others. Given the home you've so far grown up in, that's a miracle."

I reached around and found a napkin. Then, still keeping my head down and my arms folded around my face, I stood up, walked around the table, and sat on Randy's lap. I wiped my cheeks and blew my nose. I sat there, feeling the safety and strength of his strong arms around my small body. I'd been horrible to him, yet he was comforting me. Things still didn't make sense. Things were still too good to be true, but I knew Randy was on my side. He had earned my trust.


"Eye makeup very very good," said Sebastian. "No smear when cry, not little bit for smear! Maybe let Sebastian try some day? Need fix lipstick though."

I smiled at him and said, "Sweetie, you can use my makeup, my clothes, my jewelry, and my body anytime you like!" When I was feeling girly, especially when I was with Sebastian, I called a lot of people "Sweetie."

We had gone to the lavatory together to "freshen up." We decided that was girl talk for being alone together in the loo. Sebastian was right. The eye makeup had not run or smeared at all. I had brought my small shopping bag from cosmetics along, and I touched up my lipstick. First I had to wash some off my lower cheeks when I wiped the tears from my face. Then I dabbed on just the right amount in just the right places. I looked fantastic! I couldn't wear my new outfit for the live performance, but I was going to look dead sexy as we toured around the studio complex, as I saw everyone at the clinic, and while shooting my promo film! "Need also fix chain for forehead," he said, reaching up to straighten it out. How would I be able to wear my beautiful, delicate, and very pretty forehead chain without Sebastian to help me? "There, Trevor Boy so pretty now! Want fuck but kiss ok for here," he said as he leaned over to kiss me.

"Do you think this is too high?" I asked him as I adjusted my thigh chain.

"No! Look very sexy high on long sexy leg. Randy man get boner when see for you I think."

We strutted back through the crowd, across the pub, until we reached our table. Sebastian sat down in his chair, and I sat across Randy's lap, this time feeling sexy. I spread my legs open, with the left leg straight and the right one bent at the knee. Randy's right arm was holding my back, and I took his left hand and put it on my upper left thigh, over my thigh chain and stocking top, with his fingers wedged against my cock. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I kissed him long and didn't come up for air. I kissed him to pump the love back into him that I had withheld so cruelly only a few minutes earlier. I rocked my hips back and forth on his lap as I kissed him more, moving his hand up and down on my thigh. I moaned softly. I worked on him like this until his cock seemed to be in pain from being contained. A group of men playing pool cheered as they watched. Another table next to ours joined in the cheering. Randy did not resist. Soon he was probing my crotch with his fingers, surreptitiously sliding one finger up under my Paolo Paisley knickers to feel my cock. Then I slowly slid his hand down off my thigh and stood up, maintaining our kiss until I stepped away backwards to my own chair.

The bar filled with whoops and cheers, and later Randy would pass out numerous business cards. But now he took a deep breath and let out a yelp of pleasure. "Hawk, you little tease! I didn't know you had it in you! I think I'll be learning new things about you for a long time."

I had to freshen up again after such a long, hot snog. My lipstick was a fright. Soon it was time to leave. Randy asked the barman to call for his car. When the valet arrived with his keys, we said goodbye to many of the pub's patrons. Before we left, I climbed up onto the bar on all fours and surprised the barman with a long, loving kiss, wiggling my ass to make everyone else whistle and cheer. I raised my arms and put them around the barman's shoulders, then walked my knees around to sit on the edge of the bar. I hooked his right arm with my right leg and pulled myself toward him, sliding my ass off the bar so he had to catch me and hold me in his arms, with my left thigh chain and Sebastian's diamond facing forward, all without breaking the kiss. The crowd went crazy, with Sebastian jumping up and down, leading the cheers.

The stunned and breathless barman handed me off to Randy, who carried me in his arms to the door, where he took his time about letting my right thigh slide out of his grip so I could stand on my own. The barman's face was a mess with my lipstick, but I decided I wouldn't bother touching up until we were in Randy's car. I don't know what had possessed me do such a thing. I knew the barman was Randy's friend, and I knew that I loved being sexy! Looking back on that day, I think having such a huge emotional vent a short while before probably had something to do with it.

Randy turned and stepped outside as Sebastian and I waved to the people in the bar. Then we twirled dramatically and exited using our sexiest walks, wiggling our sexy asses as much as we could. The car was waiting at the curb with a uniformed man holding the back door open for us.

Chapter 27
Supper and Games

It was suppertime at Randy's house, but he has a rule against playing while at the table. Having to wait is a good way to make a boy horny. Sebastian introduces Trevor to a new game that helps him learn how to give good blowjobs on big cocks. But Randy comes up with a bigger idea (which will be the subject of chapter 28)

The noise level was quite loud inside Randy's Land Rover as Sebastian and I fastened our safety belts. "That was brilliant, Hawk!" shouted Randy, "absolutely brilliant! Whatever possessed you?"

"I don't know!" I shouted. "It just happened, and it seemed like it would be fun! I think he liked it. Was it ok?"

"Was ok?" shouted Sebastian. "Have dildos for brain? Makes much people much happy! Also they excite! Think barman wet for pants!"

"Hawk, you sweet, wonderful, and shockingly sexy little boy!" Randy said, pulling away from the curb as several of the pub patrons spilled onto the pavement to wave goodbye. "Do you know what you just did for that man?" "Made him smile?" I asked.

"You made his bloody year, sunshine!" said Randy, imitating the barman's Peckham accent. "With these films you're making at Frenetic, you're giving the people who watch them certain fantasies, fantasies which they know will never come true. For one minute, you made one bloke's fantasy come true, and he will never forget how happy you've made him, just by being yourself and doing what comes naturally. As he watches you grow and develop in our films, and every time he sees a video clip of what you just shared with him, he will remember with happiness how you made him feel tonight. That really means something, Hawk!"

Sebastian play-punched my shoulder. "You sexy boy! Crazy, think also, but very sexy, very sweet boy, make people happy!" he said, and we kissed awkwardly (because we couldn't stop smiling) and happily until we felt we'd had enough, which seemed too long for Randy, who had much more to say.

"Hawk, if you ever get it in your cute, pretty, sexy, sweet little head to do something like that again, make sure I'm with you," he said, "for your own safety, then bloody do it! I got it all on video, and I can't wait to show Eastman. I think he'll want to use it in your promo video. Even better, I saw at least five other cell phones recording the whole thing as well. They're going to upload their videos tonight, and they will be hot and sexy femboy-snogging-with-barman videos, but once your proper films start coming out, each of those videos from tonight will go viral, if they aren't already, and everyone will know your name. You can't buy that sort of publicity! And think of the barman! He'll have more business than he can handle if people think that's the sort of thing that goes on there."


We stopped for Chinese takeaway on the way home. I ordered my favorite pork lo mein. Sebastian got sweet and sour chicken, Randy got something called chicken almond ding, which made me giggle again because it sounded funny, and he ordered Boris' favorite General Tso's chicken. I didn't know Chinese takeaways had so many different kinds of food. "Some of these dishes are a bit expensive, Hawk," Randy said. "You'll have to try a few new things and decide what you like now, not just what you or your family can afford."

Sebastian and I spent the rest of the ride home talking, mostly about shopping and what would look cute on each other. We talked about the rest of the things in Paolo's purple paisley set. There was a purse, tights, stockings, a huge, sheer, baggy, purple shirt to wear over the vest, a wide-brimmed fedora, a flat cap, gloves, and even a backpack for school things. I wanted them all! It would cost about £3,500 though. Sebastian thought that if I was going to wear a matching hat that I should also get matching eyeliner, not just plain black.

Then I asked him if he would tell me more about what the word femboy actually means.

"For some, means different. Some say boy wear girl things, some say boy also act like girl, some even say boy is girl. Is different. But Trevor Boy want know how Annie think, no?" I nodded. This sounded important. "Annie not fit like for easy words. Annie is for Annie. Definitely boy wear girl things always, but not always act like girl, only sometime. When Annie act like girl, is safe for call him femboy. When Annie not act like girl, is probably ok for Trevor Boy still call him femboy, but not sure. Tell me Trevor Boy, you femboy?"

"I dunno," I said. "I feel free when I dress like a girl. It's like I can dare people to make fun of me because now I know it doesn't matter. It can't hurt me anymore, so I want to do it more, to flash it in front of people. I feel strong and free. And I think it's fun to act like a girl, but really I know I'm a boy. Girls seem nicer. They know how to make people feel nice, and they actually want to make people feel nice. Usually. Boys like to challenge each other all the time, and at my old school, Preston Primary they always tried to act hard. You had to be an asshole to one bloke to be friends with another bloke. I'm always supposed to prove something or win at something with boys. Don't get me wrong, I like competing at sport, but sometimes I want to play something that makes us all feel nice without having to worry about losing or hurting someone's feelings when they lose. Sometimes I want to compete and kick the ball hard into the net, and sometimes I want to be the pretty cheerleader who makes everyone smile, know what I mean?" Sebastian nodded knowingly. I think he realized that I had just worked it out for myself, though I wouldn't understand it for some time to come.

I thought a little more and said, "I want to dress like a girl lots now, but maybe I won't always want to wear girls' clothes, or femboy clothes. It's just fun for me, and I feel extra sexy doing it."

"Then tonight, Trevor Boy is femboy! How that?"

"That makes sense," I said. Then, for no reason at all, we both fell into a fit of the giggles that we couldn't stop until we were home at Randy's house.


Sebastian reminded me to touch up my lipstick while he straightened my gold chains. I wanted to make a grand entrance for Boris. He liked trannies, and I knew he would think I was very sexy like this. I was wearing fishnet stockings and beautiful bikini knickers that looked like they were made for a girl. I was also wearing the forehead and thigh chains and Sebastian's diamonds, and the makeup of course. It was a femboy outfit, but everything was made to look like girls' clothes.

When Sebastian opened the door, he leaned in and called something in Russian. There was a faint response in Russian. Then Sebastian yelled, "Get off toilet for come see Trevor Boy sexy new clothes for make you boner hard!" I could feel one of Randy's hands on my mostly bare ass as we waited for Boris.

Finally we heard a toilet flush, and Boris came to the door, dressed all in black, of course. "Holy craps and shits! Is you, Trevor Boy?" he said with his mouth wide open. I gave him a sexy twirl and did a little dance through the door, then wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him like a lonely wife would kiss her husband coming home from a war. When we were done, we went to separate bathrooms, he to wash off my lipstick, and I to touch mine up. Lipstick seemed to be a bit of a bother, but I looked fantastic!

*** Randy's rule was that we could wear whatever we were wearing, or nothing at all, when we ate together, but we weren't allowed any sex play at the table. To keep us from eating too fast and making ourselves sick because we were in a hurry to have fun, that also meant we had to wait a half hour from our first bite. But that didn't stop anyone, including Randy, from having a little sneaky play under the table.

We shared our food because they all wanted me to try different dishes. I liked my lo mein, and I knew what sweet and sour chicken was already because Ian got it sometimes. (Mom would only let me get chow mein, lo mein, fried rice, or egg foo young.) I had never tasted anything like the chicken almond ding. It had so many flavors, and it even had these cute little baby corn cobs in it. I've never liked almonds, but somehow they were good in that dish. I guessed that "ding" was a Chinese word for lots of flavors.

Randy warned me that Boris' General Tso's chicken was spicy, but Boris laughed. "Korea octopus spicy," he said. "China mustard spicy. General chicken no is spicy unless you complete girl's pussy!" He winked at me, remembering my first real experience with a girl's pussy that day. I carefully tried a piece, and it was wonderful! It was only a little spicy, and it had a strange batter that was crispy, even though it was covered in sauce. It made a squeaking sound as I bit into it. It was my favorite dish of the four we ate.

Every minute of the past few days, it seemed I learned something new and wonderful about my new life. I thought of all the expensive foods at all the expensive restaurants I could try. Then I remembered the case of champagne Markus had given me! I had put several bottles in the refrigerator a few hours earlier, when we had unloaded my gifts from Randy's Land Rover. I found four glasses and set one in front of everybody. Then I set a bottle in front of everybody.

"Thank you Hawk!" said Randy. "This is so kind of you to share your champagne. That is always the best way to drink any kind of wine – to share it with people you love. But can I make a suggestion? I realize these bottles are small, but I think you should put three of them back in the fridge, and then we can all share from the same bottle. You can open more bottles as we need them. That's how it's usually done with wine, and champagne is a kind of wine. It's also a sort of tradition to pour some wine into someone else's glass first, and then your own if you want more."

That seemed strange to me, but I said, "Ok," and I put the three bottles back in the fridge. Randy helped me pop the cork, and I poured a small glass for everyone, which emptied the bottle straight away.

Randy raised his glass and said, "To Hawk, may his new life always bring him as much happiness as he feels right now!"

"Trevor Boy!" said the boys, and we clinked our glasses.

Another tear was fighting with my eye to escape as I took a sip. I decided I would give up this silly fight. Tears of joy meant I was happy, and I wanted the people I loved to know it! "I love you all so much!" I said. "I feel so happy right now that I think I could be miserable from now until I'm old and die, and I could still say I've had a happy life!" I sniffled and sobbed, but only a bit, and the others told me how much they loved me too. I could swear Boris' eyes had begun to glisten as well.

I decided then that I would cry if I felt like having a cry. In a way it was the same as wearing girls clothes. Nobody could make me feel bad for crying anymore. I wanted to share my feelings with the people I love, and to hell with the rest. I wanted to put it in their face that they could no longer hurt me, just like I did when I dressed pretty. And if my happy tears can give more happy tears to a boy like my sweet Boris, then it would be horrible of me to keep my happy tears all to myself!


After we finished clearing up, Sebastian took me to his room. He took off everything he was wearing except his skimpy black shorts, and then told me about a fun game. "Is called stickdip game," he said. "First need lipstick." Then he put on some dark pink lipstick. "Think this good color," he said. "Much different for Trevor Boy. Now go we for find Boris."

We went to the sitting room and found Boris sitting on Randy's lap, wearing only his black underpants. "Boris," said Sebastian. "Is time for stickdip game! Please stand for Trevor Boy turn." Boris smiled, kissed Randy, then stood in front of me. "Now is for Trevor Boy give Boris blowjob," said Sebastian. "Must suck most deep, leave lipstick on Boris cock. Very deep. Then Sebastian do same. We see lipstick on Boris cock, then know who go most deep. Boris love game!"

This sounded fun! It would be a chance for me to get better at sucking a big cock deep, and doing that on Boris might help me to give a better live show the next day. "Ok," I said. "I'll try, but you're going to win."

"Bah!" he said. "You no know! Trevor Boy special, try very hard. Make for Boris much happy anyway, I think."

I kissed Boris' smiling face, then got down on my knees. "Boris must first be boner hard or no count!" said Sebastian. I thought that was a silly thing to say because Boris was clearly hard already.

I kissed Boris' belly a few times, just above his waistband. I liked it when I got a blowjob if the person giving it to me touched me and played with me just a little bit before they started. That's why I played a little with Boris. Then I lowered the back of his undies and squeezed his sweet ass cheeks. I pulled his undies off over his boner with my teeth. I rubbed his cock with my cheek as I lowered his undies to his ankles, and he kicked them off. I took his cock into my mouth and sucked him in as deep as I could. Boris let out a moan of pleasure. I was doing pretty well, I thought.

Sebastian knelt beside me and coached me as I began. "No too deep, Trevor Boy," he said. "Best for start not so deep. Best go slow. Then Boris get much horny, feel better when go deep." I turned my eyes to Sebastian with curiosity. I didn't understand such strange advice. When I got a boner and masturbated, I went fast because it felt better. If I went slower, it wouldn't feel as good. "You trust Sebastian," he said. "He know. Not tell Trevor Boy wrong thing."

I did trust Sebastian. I followed his advice, and I pulled out so I was only sucking the head of his cock. "Good Trevor Boy, learn from Sebastian. Ok go little more deep." I nodded and sucked him in another inch. I loved having a cock in my mouth, especially a big one. And when a boy gets older like Boris, his cock and especially his foreskin get a certain scent and taste that I love! Grown-ups say they're supposed to wash the smell away, but I like it. It goes away quickly when I give a blowjob to a man or an older boy because it's like I'm washing it for them with my tongue and swallowing it, but that smell and that taste mean it's time for sex!

I jacked Boris off as I sucked him, and that made him moan again. "Is very good, Trevor Boy," said Sebastian. "See how horny makes Boris? He much want cock all in mouth now. No give him all in mouth. Only give small more. Save for more later." I went a little deeper, which left no room for my hand on his cock. He stroked my hair, which made me feel like I was doing something for him that he really liked.

Soon I felt a little bit of pressure on my head from Boris' hand, pushing me in deeper. Sebastian noticed this too. He slapped Boris' hand and said, "No for push head! Is cheat! Must let Trevor Boy. Only for him learn give nice blowjob, not for make Boris cum!" Boris sighed, and then they both giggled. Sebastian stood up to kiss him. I sucked deeper. "Is nicer good," said Sebastian. "Do for this long time and no is gag for Boris cock."

I had seen that happen once before, and it wasn't nice. A fourteen year-old fluff girl named Amber was giving a blowjob to an actor named Roddney on the set the day before, and Roddney's cock was huge. Boris' cock wasn't even close. Randy's cock wasn't even close! Roddney had grabbed Amber's hair and was forcing his whole cock into Amber's throat. She was gagging and coughing and slobbering drool down her chest, and I thought she was going to vomit several times. I know when I get something in my throat, it can make me want to vomit or gag, but I wanted to put Boris' cock in my throat. I would listen very closely to Sebastian. I had seen him suck some very big cocks in his videos, which he had shown me the day before, and he sucked them very deep!

"Trevor Boy go deeper?" Sebastian asked. I nodded. He said, "Must relax for throat. Must only slow go. Very slow go for deeper." I closed my eyes, breathed deeply through my nose, and pulled him in deeper. I began to gag, and I thought I was going to vomit! "Come out for mouth! Come out for mouth!" Sebastian called urgently as my torso curled forward. Boris had already pulled out. I didn't throw up, but I almost did. I sat back on my feet, catching my breath.

"Is ok for Trevor Boy," said Boris. "Is normal for gag when try deep throat cock. More for when try first time."

"Is true," said Sebastian. I noticed Randy had been recording all this on his cell phone. That didn't bother me, even if I did something dumb, because no one could hurt me or tease me anymore. "New boy have often problem for throw up with cock inside deep. Is ok. Can learn not have problem if want." "Yes, please," I said. "I want to learn to go as deep as I can. I want to do it like you do it with those men, and without throwing up."

"Is easy for do this with practice. Then more practice make easy, but make look hard. Men like more if make look like gag but not throwing up" he said with a sly smile.

"I'm going to try again," I said. "Boris is getting soft, and we can't have that!" I propped myself back up on my knees and licked Boris' cock head without touching him anywhere else. His full stiffie returned immediately. I turned to Sebastian and said, "I think he likes this!"

"Yes, Boris like!" purred Boris.

"Boris like, but learn for Trevor Boy," said Sebastian. I took Boris' cock in fairly deep, but not all the way to the point where I gagged. "If gag again," said Sebastian, "can leave cock for throat and push back in for throat. No throw up around cock. Is like plug in sink. Not always work, but for trying." I thought about it. I decided that I might throw up. We had just eaten supper, after all, and I was wearing the most beautiful and expensive things I had ever owned. My fishnet stockings weren't very expensive, and my £600 undies were not in a place where they might get stained. (My hips were back, and I was leaning forward slightly into Boris' cock.) But my £1,000 vest was in harm's way. I pulled it off without letting Boris' cock leave my mouth. I handed it to Sebastian, who put it on a hanger in his own closet.

When Sebastian returned to his coaching position, I closed my eyes and relaxed my throat again. I knew I could do this without gagging! I paid attention to Boris' cock head. I felt it rubbing my throat. I told myself it was like a massage. I pulled Boris' ass into my face again and forced his cock in as deep as I could. I felt his balls against my chin, so I knew I was doing a decent job of it. I gagged once, but I tried Sebastian's suggestion and kept Boris' cock pressed against my throat. My throat made a scraping sound as my body tried to gag and puke his cock out, and I could feel great gobs of slime running down my chin, but the gagging stopped. I couldn't push any deeper though, so I closed my lips, puckered forward as far as I could get around Boris' cock, making sure I left a clear purple lipstick mark, and then pulled out. "Oh wow!" said Boris. "Is for Trevor Boy learn good blowjob! Sebastian very good for teacher!"

Sebastian kissed me with a huge smile and said, "Trevor Boy do much, much good job! No expect hold gag, but do for so! Soon for you no gag!" We examined Boris' cock carefully, and we found purple lipstick marks on the front of Boris' scrotum! I cheered aloud when we saw that. On the top of his cock, I already knew I hadn't gotten it all in, but I got closer than I thought I would. My purple lipstick reached to one centimeter from the base of his cock. I was very proud of that, and Sebastian hugged me. Then everyone kissed me and congratulated me.

"I can't believe you, Hawk," said Randy as he paused his video recording. "You are such a natural at everything you do for us!" He hugged me. Then he asked, "I know this is a bit much to ask, but would you boys mind if I got a nicer camera and some lights to film this again, or maybe we could go into my garage studio?"

The three of us boys looked at each other and shrugged. "It's fine with me," I said.

Chapter 28
Sebastian's Gold

What started out as a fun game grows into something much bigger as Randy leads the boys into his home film studio. Everyone knows they are making this film for fun, and to teach Trevor a little more about what goes into making good child porn. Well, maybe Randy has a more serious goal in mind.

Following Randy's suggestion, I put my vest back on, and we stepped into what had once been Randy's attached garage, only it was nothing like a garage. It was a full studio with all kinds of huge lights and two fancy cameras mounted on tripods, just like the one Mr. Eastman had given me. I looked up and saw another camera mounted on the ceiling. There were also a few shotgun microphones (that's the long, skinny kind) hanging from the ceiling, and the sound was quite strange. Everything was super quiet, like when I was in a special booth once to get my hearing tested. "Backdrop, backdrop, backdrop," Randy muttered. He pulled down several wide, colorful sheets of canvas that were rolled up and attached to the ceiling in the back of the stage area. Some looked like photos, some looked like paintings, some were patterns of similar colors, and a few were solid colors. He looked at them one by one, then rolled them each up as he moved to the next one. He finally settled on a pink one with a few bright spots and some fainter, lighter circles in a row. I learned recently there is a name for this pattern. It's called a lens flare.

Randy grabbed two small pink stools and placed them carefully in the middle of the stage area. "Sebastian, I want you to sit here, facing the cameras," he said, indicating the stool that was in the center and farther back. "Hawk, I want you to sit here. You'll know where to face in a minute. Boris, I need you in front of Hawk. Ok, now Hawk, face Boris, and let me see what it looks like when you suck his cock from right there." His limp cock was right in my face, so I sucked it. "Ok Boris, I need you to take a small step back, good, and Hawk, lean forward a bit so you can reach him. No Hawk, sweetheart, don't slide forward. Move your bottom back where it was, good, now lean forward from there." He was just like the directors at the studio. "Great, boys, that looks just great. Now Sebastian, I need you to cheat to your left a little. There, perfect. Now slide to your left just the tiniest bit. Perfect! Stay exactly where you are, boys." I didn't understand how Sebastian had cheated, but I figured it was probably stage talk that I would learn later.

Randy came to us with rolls of blue and pink tape in his hand. "I'm just going to spike your foot positions and the stool positions," he said.

"You're going to spike our feet?" I asked, feeling a bit nervous about what that might mean. "Is it going to hurt?"

Randy chuckled and said, "No, Hawk. Please hold your feet perfectly still and watch what I do." He tore short pieces of blue tape from his roll and stuck them to the floor, one along Boris' toes in front of each foot, and one alongside each heel. "There. You see? Now Boris can move around, and he'll know exactly where to put his feet when we begin filming."

"There aren't any spikes then?" "No spikes," he said with a smile. "Do you need to spike my ass the stool then too?"

"No, just your feet. The top of the stool will probably be in-shot, and we don't want to see the spike tape. But please stay where you are until I've spiked your feet and the stool as well." He spiked my stool, I mean the bottom of it, with pink tape, then my feet with blue tape, then Sebastian's feet with blue, and finally Sebastian's stool with pink. "Ok boys, thanks. I'll need to aim and focus the cameras. The lights look good as they are. Feel free to relax. I'll call you to your positions as I need you."


I need to explain some stage terminology before I continue, and I'd also like to provide some information about the formats we release and some of the things we are researching for the future at Frenetic. (If this gets too technical or boring, just skip ahead to the next "***" below. I won't mind!)

First, some terminology. When an audience is facing actors on a stage, what is to the audience's left is to the actors' right. To avoid confusion about which left or right we mean, we say "stage right" to mean anything that is on the right side of the stage when facing the audience or the cameras. Stage right means the left side of the screen when making films. Stage center means between stage right and stage left. "Upstage" means the back part of the stage, away from the audience or the cameras. (This still doesn't make sense to me because when you upstage someone, that means you get in front of them, or draw attention to yourself.) When we move toward the back of the stage, away from the cameras or the audience, we call that "crossing up". A movement from one part of the stage to another is called a "cross". The front part of the stage, closest to the audience or cameras, is called "downstage". Finally, there is "center stage", which is between upstage and downstage, and "center stage" usually means "stage center" as well. So for the scene we were about to shoot in Randy's studio, Sebastian was upstage and stage center, Boris was center stage and stage left, and I was center stage and stage right. Anywhere that is not on the stage or where the audience can go is called "backstage". In film it usually means the area behind the cameras, but it also means anywhere that is not on the set. It sounds confusing, and it took me a long time to learn, but once the terms become familiar, it makes it easier to talk with directors about which direction things are.

At Frenetic, there is a custom of numbering the cameras from stage right to stage left. The one farthest to stage right is camera one, and the numbers go up until we reach the camera farthest to stage left. But that only includes the cameras that are on tripods or fixed to the floor. Usually there are three or four of these cameras on a shoot. The hand-held cameras are numbered beginning with the next higher number. So if there are four cameras on the floor, the hand-held would be number five. If there is more than one handheld, as there was in my scene earlier that day, the camera that is expected to get the most important shots, the most shots of the leading character, or has the most senior camera operator has the lower number. The director assigns the remote camera number, then the union assigns the senior camera operator to the lowest number camera. Roy operated camera five, and Jimmy operated camera six. Cameras that are mounted on a crane or a dolly, or are remotely operated, are designated by a letter, not a number. Crane- mounted cameras have the lowest letters, then dolly cameras (the ones that move about on rails). The rest of the remotely operated cameras are assigned letters of the director's choice. Everything that is shot by every camera is recorded and saved for editing.

Now, some information on current and experimental formats for our work. Our viewers love videos that they can watch from multiple camera angles, so we offer multiple views with every film released by Frenetic. Obviously BIA Films can't do that, as they buy films that are produced independently, often by amateurs, who don't have the resources for such things. We have also released several films in IMAX format, but we do this only for special films that the executives are confident will be popular. IMAX is an expensive format, and digital equipment will soon replace it, making it much more affordable to produce and to project. Our 3D releases have also done quite well. The pornographic experience is much better when people feel they are among the actors and the action.

We also began releasing virtual reality media around the time I first began making films for Frenetic. Viewers can move around the set and see the action up close, from any angle they like. They can choose their own cast and costumes, and they can direct all the action. Our digital avatars will dress and undress, and then do anything the viewer wants to see us do. It's one step closer to making our fans' dreams come true for them. My fan mail concerning our VR media has been very positive. I have tried out most of the VR media from the Frenetic and Frenetic America Children's divisions, and I must say we had rather crude beginnings, but the product is quite impressive now. (It's really weird to try out a VR simulation that features me!) At Frenetic America, we have a department full of engineers and artists who are leading the way in VR research. My whole body has been scanned into the computer (which we have to do every six months as I grow), and when we do that, the technicians put little dots all over my body (including several points on my penis and scrotum) that you can't see, but the computers can because they are ultraviolet ink or something like that. Then they have me move about in all sorts of ways so the computers can get a sense of how I move, and what my body does when I move. Each time we do a new scan, I also have to give them erections and shake my hips so my cock swings about so they can make it move more realistically.

To take things a step further, we have begun experimenting with a combination of VR, Internet, and robotics technologies to make a truly interactive, live experience between our actors and their fans. I have participated in some of these experimental interactions, and it is truly remarkable. Fans can wank my cock, fuck my ass, or simply stroke my body, and they can watch it happening to me live, through their VR goggles, as if they were really in the room with me doing it. A robot fucks me with a lubricated silicone dildo when the fan moves into my ass on the computer. The robot moves according to motion sensors in the fan's suit. The same goes for oral. (We use really nice flavored lube.) The fan can't feel me, but they are really doing these things with me, and my reactions are genuine. The only artificial CGI we use in these sessions for the fan's view is to make the robots look as if they were the viewer's own body (or an ideal version of their body) in the VR goggles. The robot has a sort of head, which really serves as a stereo camera for the viewer, and the viewer can, if they want, direct this head into position and seem to give me a blowjob. There is a hole in the artificial head for my cock to go, but the head just moves around. It doesn't actually suck me or anything. That's the one area where we need to use our imaginations, and we tell the fans beforehand. The robot has extensions that serve as hands, which are covered with velvet gloves, and yes, the dildo really is as big as it looks to the viewer. (They choose whatever size they like, but the boys here can set our own limits, so it's a good experience for everyone.) We don't cheat or trick our viewers. That would not be very loving.

That's what's under development, but I'm straying from the story.


Randy turned on a bunch of electrical equipment that was backstage, stage right (so, behind camera 1). Racks of computers, monitors, and other fancy gear lit up, including red lights on each of the cameras for about three seconds. He approached camera 1 and called, "Boris, would you please stand on your mark?" Boris positioned his feet inside the spike tape and stood up straight. Randy moved the camera a little toward stage center and then made a few adjustments. "Lovely Boris. Stay there for me please, Boris. Hawk, would you please join him on your mark?" I sat down on my stool and put my feet inside my spike tape, left leg forward between Boris' legs, and right foot back next to the stool. "Hawk Boy, would you mind scooting back just a bit? Remember, you need to lean forward to get your mouth to his cock." I did as he told me. I wondered why I'd never had to do all of this setup work at Frenetic. Boris' cock was limp. Everyone's cocks were limp. This was tedious, and more like work than play.

"Ok Hawk, lean over, just leaning, and suck his cock. I need to see what that looks like from this angle." I did, and I easily got his whole cock in my mouth, and one of his balls too, before he started to boner-up. "Ok, hold it there please." He moved to camera 2. He positioned the camera much closer to stage center before beginning to adjust it. It seemed to be pointing right at my face. "Ok Hawk, would you sit up straight now please?" I had to let Boris' cock go, just as he was getting back into it. "Oh beautiful," said Randy. "You look lovely. Sebastian sweetie? Sebastian, would you take your place again please?" Randy fussed again with cameras 1 and 2 for a while. "Ok, keep holding there please," he said before going back to the area with all the lighted equipment. As we sat there, I heard humming and buzzing sounds coming from above. It was the third camera. Randy was moving it and making all sorts of adjustments by remote from his equipment desk. "Great," he said. "Now Hawk, I need you to lean forward, lean, and suck his cock again for me." Boris had lost most of his boner by this time, but I was going to get it back for him. I sucked and slurped his cock, in and out, until he was rock-hard again. "Hawk? Hawk luv, I need you to hold still. Hold your head where it will be when you're sucking him as deep as you can get. Can you do that for me please? You don't need to have his cock in your mouth just now, but I need your head to be in place."

Not in my mouth? I thought he must be mad! I put Boris' cock straight into the back of my throat and gagged immediately, but just for an instant. I relaxed and breathed through my nose. I realized that by holding still, it was easier to relax and not gag. I didn't know how that would be helpful if Boris was face-fucking me like he would be the next day, but it was something I would remember. It might help me in this contest against Sebastian. It wasn't really a contest though. This was a lesson. Boris and Sebastian were teaching me an important skill that I would have to know to succeed in child porn. The stick dip game, which I thought might really be called the dipstick game, was just a fun way of measuring how well I was doing.

Randy got up from his desk and grabbed a fourth camera from a shelf. "Thanks boys," he said with a gentle smile. I started sucking Boris in and out again when Randy said, "Let's go back inside and work this out into a proper scene, shall we?" Poor Boris.


We sat down at the dining room table. Randy had a notepad and a mechanical pencil. "More champagne?" I asked. Everybody seemed interested, so I got two bottles and four glasses. "This way I can pour everyone a proper glass." I also thought it would be nice if someone wanted more.

"That was thoughtful of you, Hawk," he said. He showed me how to pop the corks from the bottles, but he said people could be hurt if it was done carelessly. I told him I'd rather he did it.

After I poured a more generous glass for everybody, I raised my glass and said, "This video we are going to make, may Boris finally get a nice finish to his blowjob!"

"Here here!" they all giggled. Glasses clinked, and we all had a sip. I thought the champagne was beginning to taste better every time I drank some. It still tasted like a fruity fizzy drink, but it wasn't so important that it wasn't as sweet as grape juice.

"Ok," said Randy, "I think we need to provide a sort of introduction for this." We all nodded. "First, let's start with Boris," he said. "Boris, you'll introduce yourself, then describe the game and your role as the receiver of the blowjobs and judge. I'll get that scripted for you. We should also start you out dressed in some clothes so our lovely contestants can undress you. Wear something that we can rip and tear. Do you have anything tear-away?" Boris nodded again, saying, "Have black shorts and black shirt. Not tear underpants. All those normal."

"Ok," said Randy. "Do you have a cheap black thong that the boys can tear from you?" "Of course have many thongs are black. Have cheap one yes. Tear is ok." "Great, Boris! I'll replace those or reimburse you with the service fee, whatever you like. Ok, next, Sebastian, you'll introduce yourself, say why you like sucking cock, and why you think you'll win." Sebastian nodded. "Trevor, I'm going to call you that because we're at work here, is that ok?" I nodded. "Ok, Trevor, you'll need to introduce yourself as the new boy with unusual femboy powers, something like that, because the first thing people are going to see is not a boy, but a very, very pretty boy." I had another sip of champagne. It was definitely tasting better. "You're the new kid on the scene, and you've got something to prove. You're putting all the other boys in the child porn business on notice. I'll write this all up so you can read it straight from the computer monitor."

This really sounded like fun! "But nobody's going to rip my clothes, right?"

Randy mussed up my hair and said, "Of course not! Why would we ruin the sexiest boy's sexiest clothes?" He went to his desk in the sitting room and started typing things into his computer. I poured what was left in the remaining champagne bottle into our three glasses, Boris', Sebastian's, and mine. We fell into another giggle fit as we drank it down. I showed Sebastian the purple lipstick mark on my glass and said, "See? I've won already!"


"Trevor Boy," said Sebastian, "have purple earrings clips for ears?"

I'd forgotten! Sebastian had spotted the perfect pair of purple abalone and gold dangling clip-on earrings to match my outfit, so I rummaged through my jewelry bag until I found them and put them on. Sebastian tidied my hair and my chains, and I freshened up my lipstick. I dabbed a tiny bit onto my fingertip and rubbed it across my eyelids to see if it would work. I've never liked eye shadow, but tonight was special. "Is very pretty!" said Sebastian when I showed him. "Is hard for see on you, but make look eyes very pretty with clothes." I was definitely going to get the rest of this paisley set!

Boris went to his room and put his clothes on. He came back to the table and told us we just had to pull hard, and they should tear easily. He had made cuts in the back of the thong so the straps would come apart easily, but we would have to be careful not to rip the thong while we were tearing his shorts. Sebastian and I decided we would start out by rubbing Boris' thighs and work our way to the leg openings in his shorts. We would grab them there and pull. That would keep out hands away from his thong, and we thought it would look good for the audience. Shorts first, shirt second, and thong third.

"Should I wear your diamonds, Sebastian?" I asked. "Or do you think something else might work better, maybe amethyst or onyx?" He looked me over and thought about it. "Is difficult. With light for Randy Man studio, diamond very sparkle, very much. Hard for see Trevor Boy pretty eye." This sounded like a whole new level of thinking about how to look pretty. I just thought if I looked pretty in the mirror I would look pretty on-camera. We got out my jewelry bag again, and he held the stones to my forehead one at a time. "Have three color for clothes," he said. "Have purple, have gold, have black. Have enough purple on vest, on lips. Black with purple not for good, your hair." He looked at me and smiled. "Have exactly for Trevor Boy!" he dashed into his room, and I followed. It was then that I noticed Randy was filming us with his fancy expensive camera. I tried not to pay attention to it because lots of people at the studio had warned me about something they called the fourth wall. That meant I had to pretend the camera wasn't there.

Sebastian opened his jewelry case and showed me his idea – solid gold! I had only thought about gems for my jewelry. "See Trevor Boy? Gold for paisley, gold together for hair, chain for gold, all go together much well, like go together Boris and Sebastian and Trevor Boy!" I hugged him close but only kissed him lightly to protect my lipstick. I put on all of the gold chains Sebastian had given me, including both ankle chains along the tops of the boots, both thigh chains, both arm chains, both bracelets, the waist chain, the neck chain, and the forehead chain. We switched my earrings for a gold pair of Sebastian's. He continued to rummage through his jewelry case, holding a few gold things up to look at them on me, and soon enough he had me covered in various gold dangling ornaments. He gave me a huge grin and said, "Now go see for mirror!" He continued his huge smile until I stood before his full length mirror.

Almighty Isis! I was Aphrodite's better looking and much sexier little sister! My hands flew to my face and I let out a squeak. "How?" How what? What was I going to ask him? I had no way to ask how he made me look so pretty because I had no words to say how pretty I looked. "Pretty," I whispered. "I am pretty," I said in a fuller voice. "I am so…" But the words stopped. I knew was going to let this happen. I felt the tears roll quickly down my cheeks.

I looked at Sebastian, and he said, "Pretty. Trevor Boy pretty!" I ran to him and hugged him and kissed him, not caring how much of a mess it would make to our makeup. Somewhere in the distance was Randy's camera, but I didn't care. I hoped they'd show it on the evening news! I was pretty and I was crying because I was so pretty! I was kissing another boy, and we were both wearing lipstick! Let the boys at Preston Primary see me now and laugh! Let them see who the new child porn star is! Let them see that they can never hurt me again! We walked arm in arm out of the room, past the camera in the doorway, and I kissed the lens and waved. As I'd hoped, I left a lovely lipstick mark on the lens that could be seen in the video. I told Randy that must be in my promo video. I wanted the world to see me!


I cleaned Sebastian's lipstick from my face, touched up my own lipstick, and for the first time that evening I decided to touch up my mascara. I made a bit of a mess of it at first because I couldn't stop blinking, but eventually it looked fantastic! Sebastian fixed himself up, and when he was done, he was at my side on gold chain-straightening duty, followed by hair duty. I wondered how many times we would go through this routine tonight. I didn't mind though. Each time we did it, it reminded me how pretty I was. We went out to the garage studio to take a bunch of still photographs for possible publicit y, and because we looked incredibly hot. Randy moved the stools offstage. Sebastian and I knelt on either side of Boris, hugging his legs, and looking longingly into his eyes while he smiled confidently into the camera. I kissed Boris and grabbed his crotch while Sebastian looked on jealously, then I looked on jealously while he did the same. We did naked shots, though I kept my boots and stockings on. We did solo shots. We did kissing shots, and we did close-up shots of each of us taking Boris' cock in deep. We even did shots of Sebastian and I bending over naked, facing away from the camera, with Boris between us, fully clothed, and smiling at the camera while shoving two fingers up each of our asses at the same time. We didn't know if that was a publicity photo or just having fun.

Once again, Sebastian and I did our hair and makeup, and he helped me straighten my chains.


Later that night, I found several tubes of Randy's flavored lube. I liked how the strawberry smelled. I sat on the toilet in private and put some lube on my finger. I touched it to my tongue. It was quite tasty actually. It was a bit more tart than I'd expected. I licked all of it off and swallowed it. It was like a flavored syrup. I put a generous amount on my finger and smeared it around my hole. I inserted my finger. I pressed it in deep. Then I learned why it is polite to have an enema before doing anal.

I felt something, like a lump of Plasticine. There was only one thing it could be, but I didn't feel like I had to go. I pulled my finger back out a bit. I was feeling queasy after touching it. I swished my finger around inside my ass, as if to wash the nastiness away, even though I could tell that none had stuck to my finger. I pulled my finger out and held it up to my face so I could examine it. There was no sign of brown. That was good. It smelled like strawberry lube. That was also good. It just looked like a slippery, wet finger. I closed my eyes and stuck it in my mouth. It was my body, so it was ok. Or so I told myself. I sucked on my finger, and all I could taste was strawberry syrup.

This was too easy. Maybe I had used more lube than Boris would. I wiped my ass with toilet tissue, clearing the outside, but not pressing the tissue into my hole. I wiped off my finger as well. This would be the real test. I pressed my finger back inside, not too deep this time, and swirled it around again. I pulled it out and examined it again. There was very little lube left in my ass, and my finger felt rough going in. Still, there was no brown. It smelled of strawberry, but this time there was also an odor of ass. I looked more closely, even under my fingernail, and still it looked clean. "It's my body, it's my ass, I can do this!" I thought. I opened my mouth and held my finger in the opening for a few seconds, considering what I was doing, then I quickly closed my mouth again and sucked on it. There was a faint taste of strawberry lube, but the only other thing I could taste was finger.

I washed up and went to Sebastian's room. I think he was wanking, but he said, "Come in, Trevor Boy." I squirted some of the strawberry lube onto my hand and reached under his blanket. I found his cock was hard, and his hand was holding it. I smeared some of the lube over his scrotum and said, "Let me do this." I gave him a well-lubed hand job, and then I sucked the lube from his cock, swallowing it all. We fell into a 69 position and sucked each other off until I knew he was ready to cum, but he held back. He would not cum until I was ready. He was so sweet, my Sebastian.

Chapter 29

It's morning, and Randy was up late putting together a rough edit of the film he and the boys made the night before in his garage studio. He has set up a screening for Mr. Eastman, and Trevor tags along. Will Mr. Eastman like it enough to buy it for Frenetic Studios, or will he make an offer for the less prestigious Boys In Action production company?

Wednesday, July 18

"I love him more!"

"No, I love him more!"

"No, I love him more!"

The film started out with this silly argument between Sebastian and me as we knelt on either side of Boris, pulling each of his bare legs toward ourselves. Sebastian and I looked at each other. When he winked, that was our cue to tear his shorts off, and they came off beautifully, revealing a beautiful sight – his ample cock in a barely sufficient little pouch. We continued our argument with playful slap-fighting, where we said a lot of "oohs" and "ows" but never actually hit each other – not hard enough to hurt anyway. In the confusion we tore Boris' shirt off. We stood up, and each of us licked one of his cheeks. Then we resumed the argument, somehow tearing his thong off as the camera zoomed in on his soft, beefy cock. The titles appeared over his cock, saying:


A Frenetic Films Production

Boris Boomboy, 12 yrs
Sebastian Sodomchik, 10 yrs


Frenetic Film's newest star:
Trevor Hawk, 8 yrs

Directed by:
Randy Christianson

Executive producer:
Philip Eastman

As the credits rolled, Boris' cock slowly became erect, being fully hard right on cue as Mr. Eastman's name came up. (That's a trick that only a trained professional boy porn actor can do.)

The screen dissolved. Boris stood alone on the stage, smiling, facing straight forward, with his hands on his hips. His whole body was visible, and he was completely naked. His cock was once again hanging soft. He spoke with a Russian accent, but his words were written by Randy so Boris could read them on a teleprompter, which is a big computer screen that tells him what to say.

"Hello," he said with a huge, silly smile. "I am Boris Boomboy. My two friends are having a silly fight. They cannot agree who loves me more. I love them both, but they won't stop fighting." He turned to his right to face camera 1 straight on, which showed him from the chest up. "I have come up with a solution for them. I decided that the boy who could suck my cock the deepest will win, and they can stop all this nonsense." He turned to face camera 2, which showed him from the middle of his thighs up. "They are both playing girly femboys today, so they are wearing lipstick. That will help me decide who wins. Sebastian is wearing red lipstick, and Trevor is wearing purple." He pointed to the top of his cock. "They will each suck my cock as deep as they can. I will know who sucked me the deepest by which color lipstick went the highest on my cock. Come on boys! It's time to settle this the fun way!"

The picture faded to black, and then Sebastian's voice could be heard saying, "I love him so much!" The picture faded in from black. It was Sebastian sitting dreamy-eyed on a stool. He was also reading Randy's words from the teleprompter. "My name is Sebastian Sodomchik, and I love Boris Boomboy much more than our new friend Trevor does." His entire body was in the picture, and he was wearing only the soft black shorts that showed the bottom creases of his ass when seen from behind. He was smiling that infectious Sebastian smile that made it ok to lose as long as it meant he would win. "I will win this contest easily. I have been making child pornography films for more than two years now, and I have sucked many of the largest cocks in the adult pornography business." He turned to face camera 1, which showed him from the chest up. "My favorite meal for breakfast, lunch, and supper is cock, as long as I can also have borscht." He spread his legs wide and turned to camera 2, which showed him from the knees up. "I love little Trevor. He is a cute little boy, but cute little boys cannot do the work of a big boy like me. He is a nice friend, but he is not enough for my Boris! Don't cry too much when you lose, little boy!"

The picture faded to black again, and then my voice could be heard saying, "He's just being silly! He doesn't know how deep my throat is!" The picture faded back in from black. It was me, sitting on the same stool with my fishnet-covered legs spread wide, looking incredibly sexy in my new bikini knickers outfit, including all the gold jewelry. No shorts for Trevor Boy! This was the new, pretty, SEXY me! "Hi!" I said with an enthusiastic smile. "I'm Trevor Hawk, and I love Boris more than anyone ever could, especially Sebastian." I was also reading from the teleprompter because I was too nervous to memorize lines. "I'm the new boy in town, and yes, I'm a boy. I'm just a boy who likes to feel pretty sometimes. Would you like to know why?" I turned to camera 1 as I let my vest slip off. The picture showed me from the chest up, including my gold arm chains with Sebastian's gold dangling things. "When I feel pretty, I feel pretty everything! Pretty sexy, pretty strong, pretty loving, and pretty capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I have pretty power!" I smiled as brightly as I could, then turned to face camera 2, which showed me from my knees up. I crossed my right leg over my left to reveal Sebastian's gold dangling from my thigh chain. "I can be pretty and free like a girl, and I can be strong and sexy like a boy. I can take anything you've got and give you love in return. My name is Trevor Hawk, and I AM the new game in town." I blew a kiss to the camera as the screen faded to black.

Randy, Mr. Eastman, and I clapped briefly before the scene began. We had finished filming the night before, but it had gotten late, and we had an early start in the morning. Randy stayed up late and finished a rough edit of our film for Mr. Eastman, and we were in the screening room with him watching it. Boris had found fluff work with a ladyboy, and Sebastian was doing his scene with Baron Gargantua, so they would have to wait until another time to see the rough edit. Randy and I had also spent a short amount of time in the sound recording studio recording my voiceover part (that's when you talk, and it gets played over a scene) for the live performance in the afternoon. It only took about ten minutes.

I was very proud of my own introduction in this short film. I looked fantastic. I came across as sassy, sensitive, strong, and so very sexy. Even if I lost the dipstick contest, I had already won the audience, which is what Randy told me we wanted. That's why I wore my gold accessories and Sebastian didn't. I was meant to be the boy who sparkled in this film, and Sebastian knew it. That's why he was dressed so plainly. But it's hard for a boy like Sebastian not to sparkle. He is so incredibly cute. His smile could stop wars! So he tried his best to look like the bad boy once we began. Randy thought I needed that boost to my career, and Sebastian already had a huge fan base. If Sebastian won, Randy still wanted me to be the darling of the viewers, the boy who never had a chance against the older, plain-looking boy. But I had a surprise for Randy, and for everybody else. I was not giving up this contest without a fight!

The film was silly, and none of us really cared about its sales. How much did it cost to make it? Time, electricity, and a few pieces of torn-away clothing. It was also a short film with only one scene, a great scene, and about a half-hour long, so Randy said Frenetic would only pay the going rate for a single-scene film, which was still a lot of money. What was most impressive is that Randy was pitching this film to Mr. Eastman as a Frenetic production, not as a BIA production.

BIA stood for Boys in Action. It was a company owned by Frenetic Studios that bought films made by amateurs, independent producers, and many employees of Frenetic Films. But Randy had a reputation as a filmmaker, everyone knew he had a professional studio in his home, and he had earned a lot of money for Frenetic over the years, so Mr. Eastman always took him seriously when he had a new video to offer. Given his response to our opening, I thought Mr. Eastman was impressed.

The picture faded in from black. The stools were back where they had been spiked, and all three of us were on-screen and in position, with our feet where they had been spiked, though they were not visible in the picture. (We call that being out-of-frame.) Most of the video we were watching was from camera 1, with occasional close-ups of me from camera 2 and of Sebastian from camera 3, Randy's hand-held camera. Boris was explaining the rules. Beyond that, there was very little dialog. "Ladies first," said Boris, softly caressing my right cheek as I rolled my head to receive his love, "and this beautiful, sexy boy is more ladylike than you, Sebastian. He will start."

I had done everything as Sebastian had taught me. I started slow, only sucking on his cock head for at least a minute, then moving in a bit more for at least another minute, stroking his cock with my hand, and so on. I was wearing gobs of lipstick to make sure I left my mark, because I knew, and so did Randy, that I was leaving my mark in another way with this film. I intended to give it everything I had.

Randy was brilliant with his camera work. The master shot came from the hanging camera. (That's the main shot from the front that shows everybody, the one that showed our whole bodies during the introduction.) Randy had told me I should always know where the cameras were, and to make sure they have a good, clear view of me. I kept my head tilted slightly back for the master shot, and tilted slightly to the right for close-ups from camera 2, but the only real close- ups that clearly showed my face and Boris' cock were from Randy's hand-held camera 3. He had seen how I had practiced on Boris at home, so he knew to back off when I let go of Boris' cock with my hand. I reached around and caressed his ass, which showed beautifully on camera 2, and Randy was out of shot. Then I squeezed Boris' ass cheeks and pulled him slowly into my face. I didn't move, I just held him there. Randy came in for a close-up of my face. I had my eyes closed just then, feeling the relaxation in my throat, feeling the throat massage. Then I gagged! I couldn't panic. I stayed where I was and let it pass. I was calm, and very, very relaxed. I pulled him harder in, harder still.

Then something snapped. I didn't know what happened, but somehow my upper lip was pressing against Boris' body and my nose was being squished into his belly! Boris' cock had suddenly slid into my throat, as if a doorway had broken down. It didn't hurt, and I wasn't gagging, so I decided it was ok. I could feel Boris getting off intensely when it happened. Maybe he knew what it was.

"No, not possible," whispered Sebastian, though we could hear him perfectly in the screening room. "I love him more!" he said out loud. I knew he was as surprised as I was, and if I won, I also knew he would be proud of me. But how could I win against Sebastian? He told me later he was acting upset to keep himself from smiling and cheering. I kissed him when he told me that. I could imagine him doing that. There is nobody in the world who cares more about other people's happiness than Sweet Sebastian.

I kept Boris' cock in my throat and moved him in and out only slightly for more than a minute, very curious what had happened. Was my body special? Did I have a special cock door in my throat that no one else had? I didn't know. I opened my mouth wide and smeared my lipstick on the lower part of Boris' belly and the bottom of his scrotum. I wiped my lips hard against his soft skin. I was making my mark! I took one of his balls into my mouth too, and as I was trying to get the other one in, he said, "Enough, enough!"

"Astonishing!" said Mr. Eastman. "Did he really do that? Did you really do that, boy?" "Yes Sir," I said. "It was an accident though." He laughed heartily. "If you can do something like that by accident, then imagine what you can do when you set your mind to it, boy!"

Boris stepped back, and I slowly, very slowly let his cock slide out of my throat, then my wide- open mouth. Randy was in an extreme close-up the whole time. It looked like a zeppelin slowly emerging from its hangar. "That's how much I love you, Boris," I said.

Since we were ad libbing, and it looked like I'd already won, I decided to act sassy. I stood up, turned to Sebastian, who was still seated, and then I bent over and kissed him sloppily as I wiggled my ass for the camera. I was careful to get my purple lipstick all over his face. I stood back, turned to the side, and said, "I think it's your turn, Sweetie."

I had put Sebastian on the spot. Randy got a great shot of me giggling at Sebastian as he acted flustered, wiping my lipstick from his face and re-applying his own. But Sebastian was a master at child porn, especially man-boy porn, and he knew how to handle this situation. He didn't do his turn slowly and dramatically like I did. He went deep right away, and within three minutes he had Boris deep in his throat. He did his best to make just as much mess as I had. When he was done, again he wiped his face and re-applied his lipstick. By not being slow and seductive, he made himself look impatient, only interested in defeating the cute, sexy little boy that everyone loved now.

Mr. Eastman gave another hearty laugh and said, "That's our little Sebastian! There's nothing the boy can't do with a big cock!" Randy moved in for a marvelous close-up as the three of us carefully examined Boris' cock. "Wow," said Boris, not wanting to say very much unless it was scripted. We moved his cock this way and that, and made a good show of doing a clinical inspection, each of us using a ruler. Sebastian and I looked up at him pleadingly. He shook his head and said, "Tie. Both win." Sebastian and I could finally break character and cheer because we'd both won, so we should both be happy. We both had his love.

Sebastian kissed Boris, and then as I kissed Boris, Sebastian stepped offstage to whisper something to Randy. Camera 2 held on our kiss, so Sebastian's exit did not show in this rough edit. He came back and the three of us kissed for several minutes. Randy had set his camera down and dashed back to his equipment desk to type something into his computer. He picked his camera up again, and there were words on the teleprompter.

"We both win," said Sebastian. "We both have Boris' love, but we still don't know who can suck the deepest. We need to find a man with a big man cock to decide. Boris, come help me." They left me alone and confused on the stage. I knew I looked unbelievably sexy, but was I supposed to stand still? I decided to ad lib some more.

"Hey! What are you guys doing?" I yelled to them. "We were kissing! I want some more love! Where are…?" They both wore very evil grins as they dragged Randy onstage. He protested and flailed his limbs, and I could almost believe he didn't want to be there. Almost.

"No clothes!" shouted Boris, and to my shock, he ripped open the front of Randy's shirt! Those were not tear-away clothes, and buttons popped out in every direction. Sebastian unfastened Randy's belt and pulled it out through the loops. Then he opened the fly, and he and Boris each took half of the fly and pulled with all their might, but they could not tear it open. Boris went offstage for a moment and returned with a large pair of scissors from Randy's equipment desk. Randy played like Boris was coming to stab him, but Boris only used them to cut through Randy's remaining clothes. Boris tied Randy's hands behind his back with rags made from his clothing, and he tied another around his head to use as a gag. He was otherwise completely naked, and very beautiful.

Mr. Eastman laughed through this entire sequence. "Randy, you trollup! You'll get screen action with the boys every chance you get! And I can't say I blame you, good heavens." It was a silly farce, and nobody pretended that any part of this film was anything but light fun with a little deep throat and some very cute, very sexy boys. But inside I knew it was more. I had made my mark.

Boris exited the stage to return the scissors to Randy's desk, but instead of re-entering, he picked up Randy's camera and spent nearly the rest of the scene operating it as Sebastian and I repeated our contest. I went first again, and I repeated what I'd done with Boris, but Randy's cock was much thicker and much longer. I got it past that point where it snapped through, but it only went in another inch, no more. It didn't hurt when I tried to go deeper; it just wouldn't budge. So I made my mark, knowing Sebastian would easily win this one. And he did. But he made more of a show of Randy's blowjob. He gave him time to enjoy it. He went balls deep and stayed there. I motioned for Boris to join us again. He put down the camera and stepped onstage so he and Randy were standing back to back. I pulled Sebastian's stool around and began to suck Boris' cock again. He got hard fairly quickly, as Boris always does, and I snapped his cock into my throat right away. Enough playing around. Sebastian had Randy balls deep, and I had Boris balls deep. We worked them until they were ready to cum. Then we had to do what is always done for the money shot. We had to pull their cocks out and jack them off into our open mouths so the viewers can see them cum, and because the viewers like to see cute and sexy boys with cum on our faces. After each of them had cum, they exited the stage. Randy picked up his camera as Sebastian and I stepped slowly toward each other, smiling because we knew we were thinking the exact same thing. As the two of us came closer together, Randy came closer to us. We reached out to hold each other, opened our mouths, which were still full of the cum we hadn't swallowed, and kissed, sealing the cum between the two of us, mingling it together, taking small swallows as we wished. When it was all gone, we turned to Randy's camera, cum dripping down our faces, and gave a smiling goodbye wave to the camera. We kissed as the screen faded to black.

"By thunder, man!" said Mr. Eastman. "Why this is excellent! You've revived farce and parody and blended truly comical action and dialog with excellent boy sex, and man-boy as a bonus! I will recommend purchase to the board, and I will do my best to persuade them that this is a two- scene film, with several bonuses due. I think we can do that for someone like you, old boy. Where you find such boys I shall never know! An eight year-old who can deep throat like that?" "Almost nine, Sir" "Oh dear, my mistake, dear boy, my mistake," he said, rising to his feet. "Randy, isn't it time you were taking young Trevor here round to see the grounds?"

Chapter 30
Getting Physical

Trevor tours the studio lot and sees some pretty exciting housing possibilities there. The dorms and the apartments each have their advantages. On his tour, he meets a tiny, enigmatic boy with an enormous penis who goes by the working name of Shlong-O. More confused feelings…

We shook hands and set off on our tour of the Frenetic Studios Complex and Film Lot, which is the official name for the whole giant place. It was the same size as the famous Pleasure Beach Theme Park in Blackpool, about 40 acres. The studio building itself was over a thousand feet long. There was a medical clinic, a school, and a large gymnasium attached at one end. There was also an outdoor pool and picnic area for employees, and a football pitch, a wooded park, and a huge area for shooting outdoor scenes nearby.

Everywhere I went, there were naked people and people wearing clothes, adults and children, some wore sexy clothes like my Paolo Purple Paisley, which I was proudly wearing, and some wore more ordinary clothes. I was used to seeing a mix of clothed and naked people in the studio, but I'd never toured the grounds before. Randy told me that actors with contracts were permitted to go anywhere in the studio complex wearing anything they liked or nothing at all. We saw men who were so well-hung they made Randy's cock seem small, even though I thought it was really nice and big. We saw women with their pubic hair trimmed in fancy shapes or completely removed.

I saw boys who had been circumcised. I'd never seen a circumcised cock on a real live boy before I first visited Frenetic on Monday, only in pictures. I met a very small, naked boy with glasses, black hair, and a sort of shy but impish grin in front of the office building on the lot. He was happy to show me his very large and circumcised cock up close, both soft and erect. I crouched down and took it gently in my hand. It was beautiful! When it was soft, it felt like a warm, living pet in my hand. It felt oddly heavy, and it wanted to be cuddled. When it was hard, it was a bloody cricket bat! It was extremely large for a boy his age, though I could no longer tell what age kids were at Frenetic just by looking at them.

The boy showed me his cock for the price of a very sweet kiss and an introduction. That seemed a bargain for a lovely treat. His shyness made me feel a little shy too, and I didn't know why. He seemed shy, but he also seemed to know something I didn't, probably something funny. I had no idea at the time, but before the day was over, I would find out.

He said his working name was Shlong O, and that he would tell me his real name when we got to know each other. I had seen him working for Claire the previous day in the fluff area at stage 2, and also in the tea room, but I'd never properly met him until that morning, and despite his enormous cock, he never really stood out. I wanted to be his friend, and I wanted to know him, but something made that thought a little scary. He had a look on his face that I'd seen before on my dumb brother Ian, just before he did something horrible to me. It was a smile that didn't include me, but I wanted it to. I had the odd sensation that this boy wanted it to include me too. That's what made it different from Ian's dopey grin.


As Randy and I moved about the lot on my tour, I noticed that some people, boys, girls, men, and women, had their cocks or pussies pierced, and they had all kinds of different jewelry hanging from them. I found the variety quite interesting, though I'd never wanted to have my cock or my scrotum pierced. I'd never thought of what to do with my pubic hair when it grew in. I didn't want it to grow in at all. I liked being a boy. Maybe I would shave it off or something as soon as it started to grow in. A few of the older boys at Preston Primary had told me that's what boys in secondary schools were doing. They might have been having me on though. How would they know? But in child porn, I learned that if I could look like a younger boy as long as possible, it might keep me working longer in starring roles.

I was very pleased at the number of people, again, men, women, girls, and boys, who whistled at me or told me how sexy I was! I wondered if they would have done the same if I'd been naked. Was it my sexy outfit or was it me they found sexy? I developed a strut in my walk, and I began to act like I knew how sexy I was, and that I deserved their whistles and comments. My new sexy strut seemed to make people even more excited to see me. I was very turned-on by all of the attention, and Randy smiled a lot. I think he was proud that I was one of his boys.

Residents in the apartments and dormitories had their own entrance to the lot with private security, and they had their own outdoor pool and party area. I was also surprised to see an apartment building for adults and row houses for families on the grounds, as well as a large pub with a stage at one end. There was a large office building, a motorpool that maintained all sorts of cars, trucks, limousines and motorcycles, all for employee use or for use on film. Employees could have their own cars serviced by motorpool technicians for deeply discounted prices. There were even two helipads, one for the Frenetic helicopter and one for guests. I'd never seen a helicopter close up, and Randy said I could go for a ride whenever the pilot wasn't busy.

The apartments were amazing! They were much larger than I'd expected, and they had everything Randy had said and more. Each apartment had 1,600 square feet total space, with extra storage space and garages available for rent to kids who had their own cars and drivers. The bedrooms were bigger than Randy's own bedroom at his house, and he had a large bedroom. The office rooms were equipped with computers; a business phone and fax (though no one uses faxes anymore); bookshelves stocked with schoolbooks, pornographic production textbooks, references, and journals, and any other books we asked for, fiction or nonfiction; and a desk with a very comfortable and highly adjustable chair. The sitting rooms had plasma screen TVs that were at least eight feet wide and reproduced cinema quality video, which was important for screening our work in private.

Each apartment was completely furnished, and the furniture was cleaned daily, so we didn't have to worry about sitting on it naked or being dirty, or even leaving stains when we played with the older boys or men.


The apartments were all stocked with healthy snacks and drinks, though residents were expected to take their meals with everyone else in the dining area on the first floor or in one of the many community dining areas on the lot. That way the dieticians could track what the residents ate. The housekeepers tallied the snacks and beverages as they restocked the apartment kitchens every day. Residents could eat whatever they wanted in their apartments, but if they ate food from the outside, they had to leave a note for the housekeepers so the dieticians could make adjustments. So if I had friends over and we ordered a pizza, I would have to leave a note saying how much I ate. It seemed strict, but Randy said there would be conditions for living there.

The apartments had large, fully equipped kitchens with commercial-grade appliances. Residents could prepare their own food if they liked, but children (remember, at Frenetic, a child is anyone fifteen years old or younger) had to be supervised when they cooked on the stove or in the oven, and when they used knives. (I thought it was silly to require supervision just to use a knife, but Randy told me that the knives were professional quality chef's knives, and they were sent to a special service for sharpening. They really were dangerous if not used carefully. Dinner knives and steak knives were exceptions to this rule, as they were standard cutlery that everybody uses.) Dieticians were available anytime to supervise children, to teach them how to cook well, and how to prepare nutritious meals. Spending time with the dieticians to learn these skills gave residents school credit, as nutrition and dietetics were important areas of study for child porn actors. Another advantage of cooking in the apartment kitchen was that residents could order groceries that would be delivered and put away for them in their refrigerators and cupboards. That service eliminated the need for tracking outside foods eaten by the residents. Dieticians would tally the food delivered, and housekeeping would inventory what was remaining. Residents only had to leave notes if they had guests sharing their meals.

Optimal physical fitness is extremely important in our work. We need physical stamina, and if we become a little chubby, we can always keep our contracts, but we will find less work. It's a fact in our line of work that chubby kids are quite beloved, but it's more of a niche market, and more popular in Africa and South Asia. (That means they get to travel to interesting places though.) Everybody at Frenetic goes out of their way to show love to kids who become chubby because they are beautiful too, only it's easy for them to start thinking they are ugly and unwanted. Frenetic's dieticians work hard to keep all kids healthy and fit, and being healthy includes feeling good about who we are. They will not starve a kid to change how the kid looks. They make sure we always get enough food to feel full after meals, and we get really yummy desserts with lunch and supper. When the child's weight becomes a concern, despite standard nutritional management, that is regarded as an issue to take up with the pediatric psychologist, and not a reason to cut their food below what most kids get, though Dr. Benson always keeps a close eye on them to make sure they are not getting sick or anything. Kids can gain weight for different reasons, and there are a few problems that fatness can cause with the body. There are also some conditions that can cause the body to become fatter, and Dr. Benson needs to check for those conditions too.


Randy and I looked at two apartments, and they had the same layout but completely different decor and furniture. Randy said they had interior designers that would work with us to set up our apartments to suit our needs and personalities. We could consult with the designers and make changes anytime we liked. I heard the same refrain from Randy again and again, "Get used to it, Hawk. This is your new life." There certainly seemed to be a lot of money to be made in child porn. Frenetic spent an awful lot of money on us kids.

The dorms were beautiful! They were made in an old-fashioned style with lots of ornate woodwork. The rooms all looked different, and each kid had a queen size bed so there was always room for company. They were not four-poster beds, and there were no curtains around the beds. Sex play was always allowed in the dorm rooms as long as the people who shared the room were allowed to watch. That was a condition. It was intended to strengthen kids' love for each other and their confidence in expressing their sexuality in a way that others could share. It was also a way to make sure no one felt left out in their own room. If kids wanted a private place to have sex in the dorm building, there were private suites they could reserve in advance, or first come, first served if they were not reserved. There was a huge walk-in closet behind each bed with a makeup table and lighted mirror, and a loo with a shower in every room, two in the larger rooms. Each floor had a common area with a very large UHD TV, comfortable lounge seating, desks, tables, games, computers, and books. Each floor also had a large common lavatory and shower area, so if the facilities were in use in a resident's room, they always had somewhere to go. There was also a large bathing hall for use by all residents. As in the apartment building, there was a dining hall in the building for meals. Like all dining facilities in the complex, meals were served by a wait staff and prepared by qualified chefs. There was also snack food and beverages available in the dining hall 24 hours every day.

For residents of the dormitories, there was also a dormitory accessory tower. Each resident was assigned one room that was 15'x25', with 16' ceilings. All rooms had outside windows. These rooms were intended for any use the resident chose, but the residents were not allowed to sleep there. The rooms could be used as private studios, extra storage, bedrooms for visiting guests, private offices, play rooms, even as private gymnasium facilities. For a fee of £200 per month, a resident could rent two adjoining rooms, if adjoining rooms were available. The set department and carpenters would configure the rooms as needed, which included putting up walls if a resident wanted to configure the space as smaller rooms, say, as a spare bedroom, an office, and a private screening room. All rooms had plumbing access, which meant we could have a sink and a small kitchen, even a shower or bathtub too, though toilets had to be located on the wall adjoining the outer corridor. Some residents had rooms built with 8' ceilings, which allowed for a second floor above those rooms for storage or any other use. The walls, floors, and ceilings were soundproofed to allow private filming while residents in neighboring rooms were having a party with loud music. The only activities that were not allowed without permission from neighbors in adjacent rooms, including rooms above and below, were sports with bouncing balls, such as basketball or volleyball. The soundproofing could not be made perfect.


This gave me a lot to think about. No way was I going back to Mum's flat after seeing how kids lived here! The apartments seemed like a kid's private mansion, but I had friends for the first time in my life, real friends, and lots of them. If I lived alone in such a large apartment, I wondered if I would spend my time feeling lonely. There was so much I could do in my own apartment, but would I be doing it alone? The dorms would allow me much less space and almost no privacy, which seems to be the opposite of loneliness, but they came with a room in the accessory tower. If I wanted space or privacy, I could go there. I didn't care if I had my own kitchen. I didn't want to cook anyway. That felt like work. But if I lived in a dorm, what kind of room should I ask for? Boys only? Mixed? A room for two? Five? This was an important decision, and I didn't know how much longer I could continue sleeping at Randy's house, or when he would tell Mum that I was moving out for good. I would miss Boris and Sebastian! Spending my nights with them for the past few days had given me the most fun nights of my life! They loved me for who I was, and they were boys! None of the boys I had known before them had ever treated me as if they loved me, let alone told me they did. Boris and Sebastian seemed happy all the time. Well, most of the time, and they wanted me to be happy too. And the sex was like a dream! And what about Randy? I loved him so much, and I felt I owed him everything. I couldn't ask him for anything more because he'd already given me everything that was meaningful in my life. And I loved having sex with him so much! He was the first man I'd had sex with, and that started my interest in man-boy sex.


"Trevor Hawkinson?"

Randy had stayed with me in the clinic's waiting room until my name was called to see the pediatrician. "Are you going to be ok if I leave you here, Trevor?" he asked. "The clinic staff will look after you and make sure you get to the rest of your appointments and then off to lunch."

"Thanks, I'll be fine," I said as I kissed him. I felt pretty and sexy, and nothing was going to worry me! "Remember, Hawk, lunch is early today. You'll have to eat straight after your appointment with Linda. I'll collect you at the actors' dining area at 1:00. Remember the performance starts at 1:30. You should be in-costume and ready to go a half-hour earlier."

I strutted sexily to the woman who had called my name. I was surprised to hear my real name here, but I supposed they had their reasons, it being a clinic and all.

"Aren't you a pretty little boy!" she said.

"Yes, I am, and very sexy," I added confidently.

"Indeed you are," she said with practiced exuberance. "My name is Amanda, and I'm Dr. Benson's nurse." She took my hand, and led me down a corridor to a scale. "The first thing I need is for you to step up here so we can see how much you weigh." I stepped up onto the scale. "Thirty-one kilos," she said as she scribbled something in my chart. Then she asked me to turn around so she could measure my height. "Stand up tall now," she said as she lowered something onto my head. "One hundred thirty-eight centimeters. You're a rather tall eight year-old."

"I'm nearly nine."

"Oh yes, I see," she said.

She led me into an exam room where I sat in a chair next to a desk, and she measured my blood pressure, just as Nurse Dan had done the day before when I was dehydrated. She took my temperature with an ear thermometer, also like the one Nurse Dan had used. "Do you know Nurse Dan?" I asked. "He works on stage 2."

"Why, cerainly I know him," she said. "He began working at Frenetic straight out of nursing school, and he started here in the clinic with me."

"Have you ever worked on the set like Nurse Dan? I asked.

"Oh heavens no," she said. "I like working in the clinic with Dr. Benson, where we can make sure little boys like you grow up strong and healthy."

"Oh," I said. I wasn't sure that she was using the term "little" in the same way everybody else there did. "You like boys with strong, healthy bodies?" I asked.

"Certainly I do," she said. "I want all of my patients to have strong, healthy bodies. Since I work in pediatrics, that means I get to work with boys like you, and I want your little body to be as strong and as healthy as it can be." She reminded me of a teacher talking to a five year-old, not an eight year-old who was almost nine. "I love kids, and that's why I chose pediatric nursing."

"You love boys like me?" I asked.

"Of course I do!" she exclaimed. "You're the reason I come here every day. I get to work with boys like you! And girls too." "You like girls too?" I asked. "Of course I do." "I'm a femboy. That means I'm a boy who likes to be pretty," I explained, unnecessarily. "If you like boys and girls both, then you must really like me!"

"Indeed you are very pretty," she said, "and of course I really like you. Now I'm going to check your pulse," she said, grabbing my wrist.

"Nurse Dan helped me to be strong and healthy yesterday when I was dehydrated," I said. "I think he likes working on stage 2. Don't you like working on the set? You could see lots of our strong, healthy bodies there, our whole bodies naked, all day long too."

"Oh yes, I know, dear," she replied. She seemed to hesitate. "I… prefer to work in the clinic. This way I can get to know you, because I can talk to you in person, without disrupting the filming. I don't really need to see your bodies naked in order to help you make them strong and healthy. I like to see you just as you are, and just as you want to be. I think you are beautiful just as you are."

I didn't know if she meant any of it though. I would have to find out. I put my hands on my lap and secretly rubbed my cock to make it hard.

"Ok, your pulse is fine," she said. "Dr. Benson will be in straight away to see you, Trevor. Do you have any questions for me before I send him in?"

"Yes," I said, standing up. I looked her in the eye and began to pull my sexy purple knickers down slowly, letting my erect cock pop out. "Should I undress for the doctor?"

"Oh," she giggled, "There's no need just now. He will let you know. There are some tests that will require you to remove your pretty little underpants, but Dr. Benson will tell you about them." She had looked me in the eye with a smile the entire time. She didn't once look at my boner. "I will tell him you're ready. It's been so nice meeting you, Trevor." I pulled my sexy panties back up and went soft very quickly. She said she liked boys with strong, healthy bodies, and she really liked me because I was also pretty, but when she finished her job and I gave her a free peek, she just left as if I didn't exist, as if my magnificently sexy body meant nothing to her.


I waited in the exam room, pondering the curious nurse. Why didn't she think I was sexy? She said I was pretty, but she didn't seem to mean it. Why did everyone else at Frenetic think I was sexy but Nurse Amanda? She'd said indeed I was sexy when I told her I was, but she didn't seem to mean it. When I showed her my boner she didn't even look at it. Was it true that I wasn't sexy, and that everyone at Frenetic had been lying to me? Was that just how they got new kids to act excited in their films? But why would they hire a boy who wasn't sexy? I heard a knock at the exam room door. "Hello, Trevor?" said a man's voice as the door opened. "I'm Dr. Richard Benson, but everybody calls me Dr. Ben, and I'm here to give you your first routine physical exam," said the man with black, receding hair, glasses, and a bit of a belly under his white coat. "You've never been to the clinic before, is that right, Trevor?"

"No Sir," I said. "This is my first time. Do I need to get undressed now?" I asked him. I had to know if I was sexy. If I was sexy, then people would want to see me naked. That's what I thought anyway.

"No, Trevor, not just yet, and please call me Dr. Ben. Everybody does. I'll have to do some tests in a few minutes that will require you to remove your underpants, but not yet," he said. What happened to my special ability to make people happy by being sexy? This didn't seem to make sense. "Have you had any illnesses in the past month or so?"

"No Sir, Dr. Ben," I said, "unless you count when I got dehydrated yesterday, and Nurse Dan helped me. He was very nice."

"Yes, I see that note in your chart," he said, taking a moment to read. "You should know that drinking alcohol can make it easier for you to become dehydrated the next day. I see it was a special celebration for you. Were you sick that night or the next morning from the alcohol?"

"No Sir, Dr. Ben," I replied. "I was a bit dizzy when I woke up, but I had some orange juice and fizzy water, and I felt fine. Randy watched me carefully, and he made sure I didn't have too much champagne. He's my agent."

"That's good," he said. "A boy like you should have a responsible adult looking after him and making sure he doesn't develop unhealthy habits, but we can all understand a special celebration. That's one reason why we have nurses on every stage during filming." He paused and read some more. "I see Mr. Christianson is also your legal custodian, and that Markus Kramer is your attorney. They are two very fine people. If you listen to them and do as they say, you will be healthy and successful in your career."

"Yes Dr. Ben."

"Ok, it appears you will need some vaccinations today," he said. "We obtained records from your previous clinic, and it seems they didn't see very much of you."

"I need shots?" I asked, feeling some amount of fear.

"I'm afraid so," he replied. "But you're in luck, Trevor. Amanda has been working with kids like you her whole career, and she knows how to give shots that you will hardly feel." Great. The nurse who thinks I'm ugly was going to be sticking a bunch of needles in my butt just before I do my first live performance. "Ok, would you please step up onto the examination table?"

I used a step stool to climb onto the cushioned table, which was covered with a large sheet of paper. "Do you need me to be naked now, Dr. Ben?" I asked hopefully. "No, not yet, Trevor," he replied. "I'm glad you're so ready to be helpful and cooperative with your exam," he said with a smile. "Just lie back for me now if you would please."

He pulled my vest open and pressed his hands all over my belly. Then he put his fingers on my belly several times and in several places and tapped them with fingers from his other hand. "Does any of this hurt?" he asked.

"No Sir," I replied. "Is it supposed to hurt?"

"No, not at all, Trevor," he said, "but I need to know if it does." Then he felt the inside of my thighs, right near the top, first the right and then the left. Now it seemed we were getting somewhere.

"Do I feel good there, Dr. Ben?"

"Yes, everything there feels just fine," he replied.

"Just fine" was not what I was expecting to hear, but at least he thought I felt good. He seemed to like me more than Nurse Amanda did. I wanted to give people what made them happy, and I thought I could do that by sharing me body with them, but it didn't work with her. Dr. Ben didn't seem as excited as most people were, but at least I felt good to him.

"Now I'm going to listen to your chest," he said as he put on his stethoscope. He put the big round part several places on my chest, brushing against my nipple more than once. Progress! He had me breathe in and out while he listened. He told me to breathe normally as he listened to my belly. That wasn't where my heart was. I was old enough to know that. Was he working his way down to my cock? Then he said, "You're wearing some pretty clothes and makeup." He liked me! "So, I need to ask you," he continued, "would you like me to call you a boy or a girl?"

Finally he was asking something meaningful. Now I knew he liked me. But which one would he like most? If I said the wrong one, he might not like me. So I asked, "Which do you like more, Dr. Ben?"

"I like children who are confident enough to tell me who they are, without worrying. All children are beautiful, boys and girls. I only wish to respect your identity. I will refer to you as 'him' or 'her', whichever you prefer."

He wasn't being fair! He said he liked my body, but did he like me because I was a pretty boy, like Annie, or because I was really a girl with boy bits, like Jeanine? I couldn't tell, so I decided to tell the truth, because if I had lied and said I was a girl, he might have said he preferred pretty boys. "I'm a boy," I muttered softly, afraid of his reaction.

"Did you say a boy? I'm not sure I heard you properly." "Yes Sir," I said. "I'm a boy, but I like to look pretty." "And you do look very pretty, Trevor," he said as he scribbled something in my chart. Did that mean he liked me because I was a boy and pretty? He looked happy when he said it. "Now there are a few questions I need to ask you, and I must insist you answer with the truth. This is very important." I nodded. "Is anyone hurting you or threatening your safety at home?"

"No, Sir," I said. Then I added, "But my dumb brother Ian pushes me sometimes, and he hits me on the shoulder or in the stomach sometimes, but I'm moving away from that home. I'll be staying here in an apartment or a dorm room, so it's ok."

"That's good then. Is anyone hurting you or threatening you at school or anywhere else?"

"Well, lots of kids pick on me at Preston Primary, but I'm not going there anymore either. I'm starting the new term here at the Frenetic school."

"Oh great!" he said. "Sometimes I give lessons with the tutors on health and biology. Maybe I will see you in the school some time. Now, we've spoken about drink already… Have you ever taken any illegal drugs, or drugs that were not prescribed for you by a doctor?"

"No, Sir."

"Have you ever thought about harming yourself, or that the world would be better off without you?"

"No, Sir, why would anyone think that?"

"Rational people don't think like that," he said, "but there are certain illnesses that cause people to think like that."

"There was an older boy at my school," I said, "and his mum tried to kill herself once. Is that what you mean?"

"Yes, that's the sort of thing I mean. It's very sad when such an illness gets to that point. It can be treated effectively in most cases. The problem is that most people don't realize it's an illness. They truly believe the world would be better off without them. You must promise me that you will tell Randy or me, or better yet, Linda, our pediatric psychologist, if you ever begin to have these feelings or thoughts."

"I promise," I said.

"Good. Now I have one final and very important question for you. Your answer to me will be kept absolutely secret, so you needn't worry about anyone finding out, not your agent, not Nurse Amanda, not even Mr. Eastman. Do you understand what I mean, Trevor?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Ok," he said. "Are you here making child pornography and having sex with other people because you want to do it, or is someone pressuring you or forcing you to do this work?" "Oh no, Sir!" I exclaimed, not wanting there to be any confusion. "I love my new work in child porn! I love having sex with everybody, and I love making people happy by sharing my body with them. They give me lots of money too, but I would want to do this anyway, even if I didn't get any money at all."

"I want to make sure of one thing, Trevor, and this is still secret. Is anybody on the set or anywhere else pressuring you to do anything that you don't want to do? Here's an example of what I mean. If a director wanted you to do a scene that made you uncomfortable, or if he wanted you to do something that hurt, you should be able to say no, and they must accept that. If the director continued to try to persuade you after you have said no, that would be pressuring you to do something that you don't want to do. Has anyone done that to you?"

"No, Sir."

"What would you do if someone did that?" he asked.

"I dunno. I guess I might have to do it for them if it's the director, because they're in charge of everything. Or I could ask Randy to help me decide if I would do it anyway."

"Trevor, you never have to do it for them," he said. "Never. Not even for the director. All directors here know better. It is in their contract, and it's in your contract that you may refuse to do any sex act that you don't feel comfortable doing. What's more, it is a crime for anyone to try to persuade you after you have said no, and they can be sent to prison. They will certainly be fired and never allowed back on Frenetic grounds. Do you understand what I am saying? It is very important that you do."

"I think so," I said. "If a scene has something I don't want to do, I get to say no, and they can't do anything?"

"That's right," he said. "And if anyone tries to persuade you after you've said no, here is what you need to do. There are red telephones in every studio, on all of the walls. Pick up any of those phones. Someone will answer, but you don't even have to say anything, just pick it up, and someone will be there to help you in two minutes or less. Do you understand?

"Yes, Sir. If someone tries to tell me to do something after I've said no, I should pick up a red phone."

"That's right, Trevor," he said. "Everyone at Frenetic helps everyone to feel safe, and to be safe, so before you pick up the phone, someone else might have done so already. But we hope that never happens. That's one reason why we have security staff in every studio. If they see anyone who does not follow this rule, they should act immediately, without anyone having to touch a red phone. You should lift the red phone anyway though. Every single adult who works in this studio complex, even the gardening staff, must be trained in this rule, and what they need to do if they see a problem. Frenetic has done their best to create a place where every single adult is looking after every single child. That should tell you something important too. I wonder if you've spotted it?" I thought for a moment. "Is it the love? Everything here is for love?"

"Almost," he said. "Love created this system, and people follow this system because of love, but I was getting at something more concrete. It means that if you have a problem, any problem at all, you can go to any adult you see here for help. It doesn't matter if it's your agent, Mr. Eastman, an older actress, a motorpool mechanic, or any adult you don't know. You might not realize it, but you children are the most powerful people in the entire company. It's the only way they can make a quality product without causing harm to you kids, and every adult who enters this complex has taken a pledge to do everything they can to help any child who asks. You must remember that, and you must ask if you need help, any help at all. Will you do that, Trevor?"

"Yes, Sir, I will." These all seemed like weird questions for a doctor to be asking, and it took my mind off of being sexy for a few minutes.

"I must speak with Randy," said Dr. Ben with a sigh. "He should have had this talk with you when you first visited the complex. The good fellow has kept so busy of late that he's beginning to forget the essentials." I must have given him a worried look. I was worried. I was afraid I'd gotten Randy in trouble. "Oh, no worries Trevor, no worries. Just a gentle word in his ear, no more. It's important to know when we've made mistakes, and Randy will thank me for the reminder, I assure you," he said. "That's why I also must talk with you about these things during our first visit. It's to make sure you know these things, even if one of us forgets."

The serious talk seemed to be over. I once again became aware that I was spread out on the exam table, nearly naked, in the sexiest outfit I'd ever seen, with my vest open, on display for a man who liked my sexy body, and who was touching my body everywhere. Surely Dr. Ben would never ask me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. I would be comfortable with just about anything.

"Will you please sit upright on the edge of the table, Trevor?" He slid his hand behind my back to help me up. "Now I'm going to listen to your lungs from behind," he said, reaching up under my vest.

I immediately removed my vest and said, "I don't mind taking this off if it's in your way."

"That's ok, Trevor, you really don't…" I had tossed my vest onto the chair by the desk. "Ok, as you wish," he said. He had me take a few deep breaths while he listened. Then he stepped around in front of me, hanging his stethoscope around his neck. He felt all around my neck for some reason. Then he put some kind of light in my ears and looked at them. He sat down on a stool with wheels and told me to hold my head still while he moved his finger around, and I was supposed to follow it by only moving my eyes. He asked me to straighten my legs so he could pull my stockings down. Here we go! After pulling my stockings down to my ankles, he put his left hand on my right thigh and said, "This is the fun part if you've never had this test done before. It might tickle a bit." He rubbed my thigh and reached with his right hand to grab an instrument with a thin handle and a large rubber triangle on the end. "Now I'm going to tap you on your knee with this. Are you ready?" he asked with a smile. He had pulled down my stockings himself, he had his hand on my thigh, and now he was going to tickle me! I knew it! I knew he liked sexy, pretty boys, and the fun was about to begin!

He tapped me on the knee with the odd instrument, and he was right, it tickled, but just a bit. I giggled a bit more than I felt because I thought I looked prettier when I was smiling. I could feel a strange jolting sensation in my thigh, under his hand, and my leg kicked forward. I didn't mean to do that. He grabbed my right thigh and repeated the procedure. The same thing happened. "It's normal for your leg to kick a bit when I tap you there," he said. "That's called a reflex."

Finally, he got to the part that I was looking forward to. He had me stand up on the stool. "I'm going to need to pull your undies down a bit, Trevor," and he did, just a bit, leaving my cock hanging in his face.

"Ok," I said with a smile. I grabbed my knickers myself and pulled them down to my ankles after he had only pulled them down a little. I stood up, smiling brightly.

"Ok, thank you Trevor. I just needed a little bit of room, but thank you for your help." He reached up and pressed two fingers into my scrotum and held them there. I was ready for this, I thought. "Now turn your head and cough, please, Trevor." What? Maybe that was a kink he had. I wasn't going to let him down. My cock was rising into a proper boner as I coughed for him.

"Do you like that?" I asked.

"Yes, Trevor, that was very good," he said. This was going great! He would tell that Nurse Amanda how sexy I was!

He moved his fingers around in my scrotum and asked me to cough again. This had to be a kink. There was no other explanation. "Excellent," he said, scribbling something in my chart. Then he lifted my sexy knickers up my legs and said, "It says in your chart that you will be seeing Dr. Gupta next, so we we'll skip the rectal exam. You can have these back on now." He paused as he got near the top. He looked at me and said, "Would you please?" I didn't know what he meant. Would I please let him suck my boner? Sure! I just smiled and nodded. Then he pulled my sexy purple silk bikini knickers with gold and black paisley all the way up and over my boner without even touching it. "If you like, I can help you with these too," he said as he began pulling up my right stocking. "You should probably do this yourself though, because I don't know how you like to wear them." I looked at him, feeling a sort of stunned emptiness. Why did he lead me on? I know some people like to be teased, like Randy, but I didn't like this at all. "Is anything the matter?" he asked me.

"No Sir, Dr. Ben," I said. I didn't have the words to tell him what I was feeling or thinking, so I didn't try.

"Ok Trevor," he said, "we're all finished here. You're the picture of perfect health. I will be clearing you for full work status," he said. "You can hop down and put your vest back on. Someone will be here in a tick to walk you to the Rectum Center for your appointment with Dr. Gupta. It was very nice meeting you, Trevor, and I hope to see you soon for health lessons!" he said as he shook my hand.

Chapter 31
Rectum Center

Trevor begins his appointment at the Rectum Center in the Frenetic Studios Clinic, where he gets prepped to see Dr. Gupta. (Warning: There's another enema in this chapter. Again, it's non-sexual and not pleasant, but necessary for Trevor's exam.) All child porn actors must have an anorectal exam in order to be certified for anal sex scenes. He doesn't like anything about this appointment, but he meets Nurse Blaine, who somehow makes something so nasty and unpleasant feel ok.

The next person to come into the exam room was Nurse Amanda, and she was certainly not there to walk me to the Rectum Center, whatever that was. She reminded me that I needed a few shots first. Here was another chance to show her my sexiness, which she hadn't seemed to notice before. This time she would get to play with my naked ass while she gave me the shots. It would hurt, but if it made her happy, it wouldn't be so bad. But before I could stand up to pull down my knickers, she was rubbing my right shoulder with something wet and stinky. She didn't want to see my ass at all. She gave me three shots, two in my right arm and one in my left. She seemed concerned that I might get dizzy and faint, but I was too disappointed to faint. I was too disappointed even to notice that the shots really didn't hurt much.

A few minutes after Nurse Amanda left, a young man came into the exam room and introduced himself. "Oh what a sweet little boy you are! So pretty! My name is Blaine, and I'm Dr. Gupta's nurse. I'm here to take you to the Rectum Center for your appointment."

I instinctively stood on my toes and looked up to kiss him, but then I realized that nobody had kissed me at all in the clinic since Randy kissed me in the waiting room. Blaine did not lean down to kiss me, so I smiled and said, "Nice to meet you, Blaine."

"So nice to meet you too Trevor," he said, shaking my hand. "If you're ready, we can go to the Rectum Center. It's nearly time for your appointment now. We have to get you cleaned out before Dr. Gupta can examine you properly." He took my hand and led me down the corridor to a stairway. We climbed to the second floor. I decided to ask him, "Nurse Blaine, everywhere I go in the Frenetic complex, everybody always kisses each other because we all want to show love to everybody. Nobody in the clinic seems to kiss. How come?"

"Oh, I suppose that must seem strange," he said. "You're a new boy here, aren't you?" I nodded. "You see, the clinic staff are different. We don't work for Frenetic. We work for KCU. Do you know what KCU is?" I nodded again. I knew that KCU stood for Kids Coming Up. It was a nonprofit organization that was funded by the larger studios in the child porn industry to operate independently from all porn producers. That way they could work for the kids' best interest. KCU provided solicitors, or lawyers, to represent kids who were new to child porn for their first year. (They provided my solicitor, Markus Kramer.) The time when kids first start out in child porn is when they need the most help with negotiating contracts with studios, setting up trusts to manage their money, and sometimes separating from difficult family situations, as was the case with me. After kids had been making child porn for a year, they would either have enough money to pay for their own solicitors or decide that child porn wasn't what they wanted to do (which was the case with most new kids). But I didn't know that KCU also ran clinics.

"I thought KCU just did solicitors," I said.

"Oh my dear, no," he said. He was almost as gay as Chauncy, if that were possible. "Any service that is needed to help children when the interest of the studio is not the same as the interest of the children can be provided by KCU," he explained. "Children need good health care services, but that's expensive. Studios want to make money, so it's in their interest to spend less on health care services, and the children would not get their needs met. Does that make sense to you?"

"Sort of," I answered.

"Everything that you need but would cost the studio extra money is seen to by KCU here. You have your solicitor, we have the clinic, then we have the school, the tutors, the dieticians, the fitness instructors, editorial supervisors, stage supervisors, residential maid service, security service, you name it, KCU does it," he explained. There seemed to be a lot of people who were looking after me here.

We exited the staircase and walked along a corridor toward a large desk with an even larger sign above it, saying "Rectum Center."

"The reputable child porn studios have set standards for you kids in the industry. KCU makes sure those standards are met. If KCU is not present at a studio, never work there. Chances are they are exploitive and abusive. There are funds to help the smaller studios bring KCU in, so the only reason not to have KCU involved is if the studio doesn't want anyone to know how kids are being treated there. If you ever buy child pornography, make sure it has the KCU logo on it," he said, pointing to a logo on his ID badge, "so you know the kids in the video were not abused or exploited, or even drugged." "That's so sad!" I said. "My agent Randy told me they do that in Russia! He says there are a lot of kids who want to do this work without being drugged or forced or anything." The thought sickened me.

He looked at me caringly and said, "Yes, very sad. That's why we're here for you! You won't see anything like that on a KCU film lot!"

We walked past the desk and down a corridor into the clinical area.

Then I remembered my question. "So why don't you kiss? You must love people?"

"Oh my! Yes, you did ask. You see, KCU people need to follow strict rules of ethics," he began. "We have guidelines for touching children. We do not initiate touch, though we can ask. I might ask you if I can have a hug, and I have to respect your answer. When we left the exam room, I offered you my hand, but you chose to shake it, not me. You always have that choice. The only exception is when it is necessary for your health or safety. That's why Dr. Gupta will be touching your little bottom a lot when he sees you, and he won't ask every time he does. He doesn't have to. Your guardian has already signed permission for him to examine and treat you, and that includes touching you where necessary. I will be touching you too when I clean you out for the exam, and I'm not required to ask. But even then, you can still say no, and we have to respect that. But if you refuse medical exams and treatment, you can't work in child porn anymore." I frowned. Why would anyone not want to work in child porn? "There's also safety touch, and that's allowed without permission. For example, if you are about to fall from a high place, I will grab you and save you if I can. That's a very good kind of touch that I don't think you'd have a problem with, would you sweetie?"

"Of course not," I said.

We entered a room in the Rectum Center.

"But there are some kinds of touch that KCU employees can't ask for, and that includes kissing. If you ask me for a kiss, then I can kiss you, but you have to ask clearly if that's what you want."

"May I have a kiss please?" I asked.

"Of course you may, you pretty little sweetie!" He leaned forward, I stood on my toes, and we kissed.

Nurse Blaine thought I was pretty, and he seemed really happy to kiss me. That made me feel better.

"But you must also remember," Blaine added, "that everybody is allowed to say no. That means I was allowed to say 'no, you may not kiss me.' Dr. Gupta is allowed to say no as well, and I'll tell you right now, he will probably say no if you ask him for a kiss."

"That's sad," I said. "Dr. Gupta considers it part of good medical ethics. He loves his patients, but he shows it by giving you the best care he can, and he is the best colon and rectum specialist in the UK. He is a researcher as well. He focuses on pediatric anorectal studies, and he has published more than fifty research papers."

"I don't know what that means," I said. It sounded confusing, but it seemed important to Blaine.

"Oh heavens," he said, putting his hand on his forehead. "You sweet little boys and girls sometimes seem so mature that I almost forget you're only eight years…"

"Nearly nine," I interrupted.

"So sorry, nearly nine years old. What all of that means is that Dr. Gupta is the best, and he knows more about kids' bottoms than anyone else because he's the scientist who's discovered a lot of the things we know about your little bottoms."

"Randy said Dr. Gupta might write a paper on my friend Sebastian," I said.

"Oh you know Sebastian!" he said with a great big smile. "We just love him here! But even Dr. Gupta isn't sure how Sebastian does the things he does in most of his videos. He certainly is interested in studying Sebastian's anus and rectum in more depth than an ordinary clinical examination. I think there's just a little paperwork that needs to happen first, I don't really know, but Dr. Gupta is very interested in finding out just what's going on in your friend's bottom."

I looked around the room for the first time, and I realized this was not an ordinary exam room. "You'll need to take off your pretty little undies for this," he said. "You'll probably want to take your gorgeous vest off as well so it doesn't get stained. That looks like real silk." I bent down and lowered my sexy purple bikini knickers, then stepped out of them. "You can leave your boots on if you like, but you should either pull your stockings all the way down or take them off." I liked my boots, so I decided to just roll my stockings down my legs. "You can put your undies and your vest on the coat rack there." I did. I was too preoccupied with the things in this room to remember to be sexy for the one person here who seemed to really like me and wanted to kiss me. There was a very odd looking exam table, only it might not be called that. It was very short, had no cushions, and it had these Y-shaped things sticking out at one end. The top was plain stainless steel. There was also what looked like a huge, rectangular toilet about one meter off the ground. There were hoses and tubes hanging from the ceiling. "It's ok sweetie," he said with a kind smile. "We're just going to give you a little enema, that's all. Can you tell me the last time you had a poo?"

"It was this morning, early. We had to be here at seven because Sebastian… I mean, it was around six o'clock this morning." I muttered softly. Sometimes I became talkative when I was nervous. This looked nothing like what Nurse Dan had used on the set the day before. "Is this going to hurt?"

"Oh no, sweetie. You'll feel some pressure, but your chart says you had one yesterday, right?" I nodded slowly because this looked completely different. "You'll feel just the same inside, and all kinds of stuff will come out. You'll be all clean and shiny inside for your exam, and I understand you've got an anal scene in the afternoon?"

"Live performance," I said softly.

"Really? How wonderful for you! I've never seen one, but I bet those are exciting! You'll have to tell me how it goes!" He pushed a small stepstool up to the tiny exam table and said, "Now, I need you to step onto the little stool there and just sit on the table for now. Tell me if you'd like a little help. That's a touch that you have to ask for, unless I think you're falling."

The table was higher than my butt. I put my arms back and my hands on the table between the Y- shaped things and tried to lift myself, standing on my toes. I would have to jump, but why? I just needed a little help.

"Careful!" Blaine said. "I don't want you to fall!" "Please Nurse Blaine," I said, "will you help me up?" "Certainly, and thank you for asking for help instead of doing something silly. Now I'm going to put one arm around your back and my other arm around your legs. You can hold on around my neck if you like. Up we go!" Up I went. It felt nice, like a hug. I wondered if this was what it was like for boys who had proper mums. I remembered Mum helping me around like this when I was little, before she began drinking.

"OOH!" I barked out. "It's cold!'

"I'm sorry hunny," he said, "but it's steel. It's going to be a little cold at first, but it warms up quickly." He was right. I could feel it warming to my body temperature within seconds. "Now I'm going to need your help for the next part," he said. "I need you to lie back, bend your knees, and bring them up to your chest. Good! Now I need you to keep your legs like that for just a little bit. It might help if you hold your arms around them." I hugged my knees. I had been afraid of what I saw in this room not two minutes earlier. Why had I suddenly become so comfortable and secure?

Blaine fussed with the Y-shaped objects at the end of the exam table, adjusting them until they were exactly where he wanted them. "Ok sweetie, you can let go of your legs. I want to put your legs up onto these brackets now, is that ok, hun?" I nodded. "Ok, just relax and let me move your leg for you, all right?" He lifted my left leg into the left Y-shaped bracket, and then did the same with my right. "Ok, now I need you to bend your knees, and see if you can lift your little bottom up and scoot down until it's hanging just over the edge." I did, and it seemed I got it right the first time. "Wonderful sweetie, that's just perfect. Now I'm going to adjust the table so your head will come up." Then he pushed me so the rectangular toilet was right under my butt.

"Am I supposed to poop right in front of you?" I asked. "Oh don't worry, you little hunny," he said cheerfully. "Believe me, it's much easier this way, and I've seen it all. I do grown men in here all the time, and they can get messy. You kids are actually fun in a way. A lot nicer than some of the men I've had in here anyway.

I'd never had to poop with someone watching it come out. I felt embarrassed. "Must you watch?"

"I'm afraid so, but you'll be fine. In here we have several fluids we can use, and all of them are warmed up to just the right temperature so you don't cramp. Now you're going to feel a small tube going in," he said. I felt it slide in easily. He had his right hand on my left thigh, but it felt reassuring and comfortable. He was standing on my left side, holding the tube with his left hand. It was oddly easy to forget I was naked with a man poking around in my ass. He was a very attractive man too, but that didn't seem to matter. I had been frightened, and he made my fear go away.

"Ok, I'm going to fill you up now, and I want you to hold it in, just like you did yesterday, ok?"

"Ok," I said. His hand wasn't really on my thigh. It felt more like it was on my lap. I didn't want him to move it. I was glad he was doing this, and it made me feel ok, that he would be there while I was going through this uncomfortable procedure.

"Almost done sweetie," he said. "You're doing a really good job." He rubbed his hand on my lap. I felt my insides inflating and stretching, but it was just that – stretching. There was no hint of pain or cramp. "Ok hun, now I want you to pinch it tight. Really tight now. I'm going to pull the tube out, and try to hold it all in for me. Here we go."

I could feel the tube coming out, and I felt a little squirt following it out of my ass. "Sorry," I said.

"That's ok," he said. "You're doing just fine. Keep holding it. You're doing great." Now it felt uncomfortable. "We like you to hold it for a minute before you let it go, ok hun?" I nodded and grunted. "You're doing just fine hun," he said, rubbing my lap again. "Ok, you can let it go now." the rectangular toilet began to flush. It flushed continuously. I looked at Blaine, feeling very insecure and vulnerable. I needed reassurance. He smiled at me and squeezed my lap. It was ok. I let go. I could feel the watery liquid being forced out under pressure. Then a chunk of poop shot out. "That looks excellent," he said, patting my lap. More liquid, then larger pieces of poop. "This is going very well," he said, sounding pleased as I was shooting chunks of poop into a huge bog. Where was it all coming from? I had already been to the toilet that morning.

I felt the last bit of liquid drip out of my body. "Trevor, you did very well!" he said with a big smile.

"Then may I have a hug please?" I asked him, still unsure about all this.

"Oh of course, sweetie," he said as he leaned over and hugged me. I needed to cry again. Again! This had been the best three days of my life, but it seemed that I cried more on those three days than in the eight, nearly nine, years before. "It's ok hun!" he said, sounding surprised. "This went really well, and Dr. Gupta will be quite happy with it." I held onto him as he spoke. I sniffled and said, "I've never done that in front of someone. It's nasty! I don't want people to see me like that, but you were so nice."

"Oh! I told you, sweetie, that I've seen everything," he said, adjusting himself in a way that made his hug even more reassuring. "When you do this every day, several times a day, it's no longer nasty. It's actually quite fascinating. There are so many things I could tell you about stool, but I doubt you want to hear them right now."

I giggled and let go of our hug. "Funny things?" I asked.

"Hmm," he said, sitting back in his chair. He was wearing blue scrubs, and I could see his left shoulder was all wet with my tears and my snot.

"I'm sorry I got your shirt all nasty," I said.

"Trevor," he said, "are you joking? Are you serious? Can you think of a more wonderful thing for me to have on my shirt than little boy tears that are no longer inside him making him upset? If you have tears that need to come out, I think this is a perfect place for them to go."

"But all the snot!" I giggled at the thought.

"Do you know what that snot is made of?" he asked. "It's made of tears. When you cry, you make more tears than you see falling out of your eyes. Most of your tears go through a duct, a kind of tube, down into your nose. That's what the snot is when you cry. It's just tears that come out of your nose instead of your eyes. They only fall out of your eyes if you make them so fast that the tube can't keep up."

I giggled again and said, "you're funny!"

"Do you think I'm being funny? If you think I'm having you on, ask Dr. Gupta where snot comes from when you cry." I didn't want to do that. "We had to learn this in nursing school. It really is true."

He was being serious! "Wow," I said.

"I'll tell you something else that's true about crying tears," he said. "There are chemicals in your brain and in your blood that make you upset and stressed and even sad when bad things happen, but your body puts those chemicals into your tears to get rid of them so that you can be happy again!"

"Wow, you know a lot!" I said.

"Nurses have to learn a lot about the body before we can become nurses."

"I want to be a nurse someday, like you," I said. "I want to make frightened children happy, like you do." He remained silent for a few seconds. Then he looked away toward the clock and stammered, "It… it's… it's nearly t-time for your second one."

"My second one?" I asked. "I didn't know I needed two of them. Yesterday Nurse Dan only gave me one!"

He sniffed deeply and turned around with a kind smile. "Yesterday you were only filming an anal scene." he said. "Today you are being examined, and Dr. Gupta is going to have to look way up inside you," he traced his finger over my belly from just above my cock to my left side, then up toward my ribs, "about to here."

I curled up, or rather; I tried to curl up, giggling from his tickling finger. "All right! All right! I'll do another one!" I howled.

He put a different tube in my ass and filled me back up with warm liquid, this time resting his hand gently on my belly. It was a different spot, but I felt the same gentle reassurance. I did worry a little bit about what might happen if he tickled me while I was trying to hold it in. I was surprised that even more came out the second time. When the last drips came out, Nurse Blaine pressed down on my belly, saying "Squeeze it out boy, come on, squeeze it out!" He made me laugh, and a little more did come out.

He cleaned off my butt, but we left the room a mess. "Someone will see to that when we're in with Dr. Gupta," he said. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a job where you'd have to clean up that kind of mess every day. I was quite happy in child pornography.

"You'll be in there with me?" I asked.

"Yes I will, assisting Dr. Gupta," he said. You can put your clothes back on now if you like." I pulled up my stockings, but I decided to carry my sexy bikini knickers and vest because I would just have to take them off again. Nurse Blaine offered me his hand, and I took it. His hand led me to a more proper looking exam room. I hung my sexy purple silk and gold paisley bikini knickers and matching vest on the coat rack in the exam room. "Since you've just come from the pediatrician, all of your nursing information is already in the computer. Just wait here, hun, and I'll tell Dr. Gupta we're ready."

Chapter 32

Trevor meets Dr. Gupta for his first ever comprehensive anorectal exam. Nurse Blaine helped him feel comfortable during what he thought would be a very uncomfortable procedure, but he soon learned why his friend Sebastian loves his visits with Dr. Gupta. His exams are very thorough. Dr. Gupta is quite impressed at Trevor's ability to stretch and accommodate his larger probes. Not only does he seem to do it without any pain, but he seems to feel genuine pleasure. That's very odd for an eight-year-old boy… nearly nine. Could be IRH, or IAH… whatever that means.

A tall, thin, severe-looking man with brown skin and black hair entered the room, followed by the smiling Nurse Blaine. "Hello Trevor," he said in a soft, rolling voice tinged with an Indian accent. "I am Dr. Gupta. It's nice to meet you. I see you began working for Frenetic two days ago. I am glad we were able to get you in so soon." I sat silently, paying attention. "I am here to examine your anus, your rectum, and part of your colon. Do you know what those body parts are?"

"That's where poop comes from," I said with confidence. "It's the part where the cock goes inside when someone is fucking me."

"Those are both correct responses, but I would like you to know more about those parts of your body. Good anorectal health is crucial if you want to perform anal sex." He showed me a model of a boy's body cut in half and explained how food gets turned into poop by chemicals and bacteria. He said the anal sphincter was the name of a very powerful muscle that held my hole closed, and that the rectum was full of powerful muscles too. The colon was also strong, but it could be painful to have anal sex if I was sick, and it could be extremely dangerous to stick certain kinds of object up there. "It is very important that you know this about the anal sphincter, Trevor," he said. "It is really two muscles, not just one. You can control one of them, and you cannot control the other. Before you are penetrated fully, you must be careful that both muscles are relaxed. This can best be accomplished with finger massage or slow, gradual penetration by the penis or anal toys of increasing size. If you are penetrated before your sphincter muscles are relaxed, you will experience a great deal of pain, and you risk injury to one or both of those muscles, and believe me, you want them both working. Do you understand this, Trevor?"

"I think so, Sir," I said. "I have two anus muscles. I can relax one just by telling it to relax, but I can't tell the other one to relax, so it's important for someone to open me up slowly. Is that what opening someone up with your finger means?"

"Yes, Trevor, it is," he said. "Opening someone up with your finger means inserting it into their anus and massaging it until the muscle you cannot control is relaxed and open. You must insist that you are always opened slowly by any partner, fluff service provider, or actor before they penetrate you anally. You will soon develop a feel for when you are open, if you haven't already, and it will take less time and effort as you become more experienced. If you are filming a scene in which you are to be penetrated, it is a good idea to use your fluff service provider to open you up before the cameras are running. It is also good to select a fluff service provider with a large penis if you are to be penetrated in the scene by an actor with a large penis. This will minimize the possibility of pain. Do you have any questions before we begin your examination?"

"No, Sir," I said.

"Blaine, would you please position Trevor for anoscopy?" "Yes, Doctor." Blaine set a small bench with a cushion on top at the end of the exam table. He asked me to bend over and rest my body on the exam table while kneeling on the bench. He lowered it a few times, rubbing my back and the top of my ass each time. "Try to point your little bottom up toward the doctor, and keep your knees in toward the table, sweetie. Your position needs to be just like when you're doing a scene, ok hun?"

"Thank you Blaine," said Dr. Gupta as he wheeled a small stool behind me. "Trevor, before we begin the anoscopy, I must first test your anal reflex."

I remembered the tickly feeling I got when Dr. Benson tested my knee reflex. "Will this tickle?" I asked. "Will it make me kick?"

"No, Trevor, this should not tickle, and I do not expect you will kick at all," he replied. "I need you to be relaxed during this brief procedure. Please reach back with your hands and pull your buttocks apart and relax your anus as much as you can. That is very good," he said as I pulled my ass cheeks wide open. "Breathe deeply and slowly for me please, Trevor. Very good." Suddenly I felt a mild scratching sensation on my hole. I squeezed my cheeks together, mostly out of surprise. "That is very good, Trevor," he said. "When I scratch your anus lightly, as I have just done, it should contract fully, which is exactly what just happened. It was quite apparent before you released your buttocks. That was a perfectly normal response." He paused to type something into a computer next to the exam table.

"Next, I am going to take a swab of your anus," he said. "This is so we can see what kinds of bacteria you have inside your colon. You will have many good and healthy bacteria that help you with digestion, but we must also see if you have any bad bacteria, which can cause disease." He had me pull my ass cheeks apart again, and this time I was able to hold still while only my hole twitched. "There, we are done with that part. You are doing very well, Trevor." I wasn't sure just what it was that I was doing very well, but I was glad things were going well.

"This next test is called the digital rectal examination," he continued. "During this examination, I will insert my finger in through your anus, and then further into your rectum. I will need to feel around for only a few seconds. This might feel like a sexual act, but I assure you it is not. The purpose of this test is to allow me to feel several of the structures inside your body, which can indicate whether everything is developing normally inside that part of your body."

"You mean inside my bum?" I asked.

"No, Trevor," he said. "I mean the various organs that surround your rectum. This is the easiest way to monitor their growth and to detect whether anything abnormal is growing inside you. It will take only a few seconds."

"Ok," I said.

Without any further warning, he slid his gloved and lubed finger inside of me, felt around for maybe ten seconds, and then asked me to squeeze his finger as hard as I could. This certainly didn't feel like a sexual act, though there were a few places he touched that seemed to jolt my nerves. If we were having sex, I would probably have orgasmed. How could something that normally felt so good feel that awkward when a doctor did it? I looked at Nurse Blaine, and he squeezed my hand with a gentle smile.

"Now we are ready for the anoscopy," said Dr. Gupta. He showed me a narrow plastic tube with a ring at one end and a rounded tip at the other. "This is called an anoscope," he said, showing me that when he pulled on the ring, the rounded tip slid out and left only the empty tube. "I am going to lubricate this and insert it through your anus now. That way I can see the inside surfaces of your anus and part of your rectum. I will insert a series of increasingly larger anoscopes as your sphincters relax. I will be doing this for two reasons. First, I can see more detail with the larger anoscopes. Second, I want you to feel what it is like to be properly relaxed, or as you say in your profession, properly opened up. May I have some lubricant please, Blaine? Thank you. Trevor, before I insert the first anoscope, I want to point out that I have also lubricated your anus on the inside during the digital rectal exam. You must always insist that anyone who penetrates you lubricates his penis as well as the interior of your anus. If you do not do this, you risk a painful injury." His speech sounded as if he had rehearsed it a thousand times. Maybe he had? A lot of boys had come and gone as Frenetic actors before I began working for them. A lot of girls too. "Make sure you are diligent with your relaxation procedures," he continued. "No exceptions for impatient directors. You still have a very strong anal sphincter, and we want to keep it strong. Otherwise you risk anal incontinence. That means you might not be able to hold it in until you get to the toilet. Ok, now I am going to insert the first anoscope and have a look. I felt it go in, but it seemed smaller than his finger. I couldn't see him, but I felt his breath on the back of my thighs, so I assumed he was looking through the little thing. "Now I am going to remove it and insert the next size up. Sixteen millimeter anoscope please, Blaine." The second one felt good. It was about the size of his finger, maybe even bigger. "You see, I can move this one around now and you do not have the reflex or the need to make a sound. Is it unpleasant at all, Trevor?"

"No, Sir, not at all. It feels nice."

"Ok, twenty-three millimeter proctoscope please, Blaine," he said. "Now I am going to switch them. This next instrument will not only be larger in diameter, but it will also go in much deeper than the anoscopes." It felt good when he took the second one out. He pressed the third one in slowly, but I wished he hadn't. I wanted it inside of me as soon as I felt it. I was beginning to understand why Sebastian liked these exams. "Trevor," he said, "This one is about the size of the penis of a boy in early puberty, perhaps twelve years old." He wiggled it around. "How does that feel, Trevor?"

"It feels nice, Sir, like I want the next bigger one now. I feel like I want more, and I wish I didn't have to wait." I was getting an erection. I was a little embarrassed, but this clearly did feel sexual. Very sexual, and very pleasurable.

"Then we are progressing at a good pace. Anal sex should be a pleasure, something to stimulate your desire. You should never feel pain during anal sex, only pressure and pleasure. May I have the thirty-two millimeter probe please, Blaine. Thank you. I will not keep you waiting, Trevor, but I must tell you that I will no longer be using anoscopes," he said. "The rest of these insertions will be smooth, rounded probes designed for clinical use such as this." He removed the rectoscope and slowly, too slowly for my desire, inserted the probe, which was much larger than the rectoscope that he had just removed. He moved it around a bit. "How does this one feel, Trevor?"

"Very good, Sir. It really makes my ass feel excited, and I want more! Please may I have the next size?"

"Soon, Trevor. This is the approximate size of the erect penis of a boy in later puberty, maybe fifteen years old. We have two more sizes to go, or three if you feel comfortable. Blaine, may I have the forty-five millimeter probe please?" I wanted it! I wanted all of them, even the biggest one he had! "I will switch these now," he said, "but I will first move this one in and out to show you just how pleasurable proper relaxation can be."

"OH!" I shouted. That's wonderful! Doctor! Please more!"

"No, I'm afraid I may only provide you with demonstrations in the clinic. I may not use this time in the clinic to provide you with sexual pleasure, only demonstrations." Not fair! I was glad Nurse Blaine had explained things. Otherwise I would have thought Dr. Gupta was just teasing me. "I will switch these out now." He pulled the probe out slowly, and I wondered if he could see my erection from behind with my knees together. I felt the next one enter slowly, and it was getting tight, but it felt so amazing! He wiggled it around a bit, which sent sensations up the length of my cock. "Tell me how this one feels, Trevor."

"Oh my…" I was finding it difficult to speak. "It was… tight at first, but when you move it around, it's not so tight anymore. I want a cock like this in my ass!"

"Excellent. You seem to be quite a prodigy, Trevor. This is the size of an average man's penis. You are eight years old, and you are not only comfortable, but deriving pleasure from an object the size of grown man's penis. You have very little experience in child pornography, but in some ways you seem like a boy who has been doing it for many years. Are you ready for the next one, Trevor?"

"Yes please!"

"May I have the fifty-five millimeter probe please, Blaine? Thank you. I will swap these out now, Tell me if it is too much and I will remove it immediately, though from what I see of your muscle tone and unusual elasticity you should have no problems." He slid number five out slowly, and it was difficult to remain silent, though my body did move about quite a bit. Then came the big one. I could feel the pressure on the front of my hips as he pressed it inside of me. "Some people find that pressing down as if you were on the toilet helps to ease the entry of larger objects and larger penises." I pushed against the big anoscope as if I was trying to take a crap. It slid right in. "Quite astonishing for an eight year-old boy, I must say."

"Nearly nine!" I grunted. I felt quite stretched now, but the instant he moved it I felt electrical jolts of pleasure. "This is big!" I gasped. "I still like it! In and out please? Will you?"

He moved it in and out a few times, "For demonstration purposes only. This one is the size of an unusually large penis. We have an actor and director named Khan. I don't know if you have met him yet, but he is very generously endowed. This is the approximate size of his erect penis. Your muscular dilation is very impressive. Possibly IRH or IAH." So he was fucking my ass with King Khan's cock? I never would have thought it possible. And what did he mean by IRH and IAH? "We can try one more size if you feel comfortable." This one felt good, but only after he moved it in and out a few times.

"Ok," I grunted. "I'm ready." My excitement was at its peak as I anticipated the final probe.

"The sixty-five millimeter probe please, Blaine. Thank you." I felt the 55 mm probe sliding out against my anus, and I felt a magical, tingling sensation the whole way round. But I admit I felt relieved to have it out. "Now I will insert the largest of the seven." He pressed it and twisted it. I felt it enter partway. I pushed against it, and it went in a little more. This wasn't good. "I am afraid we will have to wait until another time to attempt that one again. I will now insert my finger into your anus once more, and I want you to squeeze it as hard as you can. There, as hard as you can, squeeze it. Good. Very strong. You may relax." His finger felt tiny compared to those last few probes. "Ok, Trevor, you have now experienced what will happen with proper relaxation. There aren't very many limits to what you can do with proper technique, but if you permit penetration by such large penises or toys, you must do proper pelvic floor and anal strengthening exercises, and limit the extreme sizes to once per week. You may stand up now, and Blaine will help you onto the examination table."

I pushed my torso up while Blaine held my right arm to steady me. Then I stood up from the bench while Blaine put his arm around me, which felt very good. He had me stand up on the small bench that I had been kneeling on, and from there it was easy for me to sit up on the table. My head was a flurry of sensations as I thought about what had just happened. "Lie back now sweetie," said Blaine.

"It is fine that you are erect now, Trevor," said Dr. Gupta. "That will make this next test easier." I wasn't even aware of having a boner at the time. "This might not feel so pleasant, but I must insert another swab into your urethra," he said as he took my erect cock into his hand. That made me twitch, but so did the next sensation of a scratchy cotton swab scraping its way into the tip of my cock. "I am sorry, Trevor, but we must also have this swab to examine the bacteria that are growing inside your penis. That is the part of this initial exam that most boys find to be the least pleasant." It was enough to deflate my boner, but it wasn't too terrible. "Blaine, please help Trevor into Sims' position for flexible sig."

"Yes, Doctor," said Blaine. "Ok little pumpkin, I need you to roll over onto your left side on the table, facing me. Good. Now I want you to bring your right knee up, that's fine right there hun." He put his hand on my lap again and said, "We're almost done hunny."

"Can you hold my hand too, Nurse Blaine?" I asked.

"Of course, Precious! But it'll be a minute. I need to retrieve the doctor's instruments first." Dr. Gupta asked him for this and that, things with names I couldn't pronounce, and soon Nurse Blaine had his hand on my lap again.

"Is this going to hurt?" I asked him.

"Aw sweetie, Dr. Gupta is the best at this. After what he's just had in your little bottom and inside your penis, I certainly wouldn't worry about a thing." He rubbed my lap with his left hand. I reached out to him with my right hand and asked him to hold it. If a man could be a mum, Nurse Blaine could be mine.

"Ok Trevor, I am going to insert a flexible tube with a light and a camera attached at the end. It is about the same diameter as the second anoscope that I inserted in you, so you should tolerate it very easily. You will feel some pressure, but you might be interested in watching on the video screen in front of you." I watched as the monitor flickered to life, and I saw a live picture of my ass. It looked cute too! I could see that lovely boy butt crease across the bottom of my left ass cheek. "Are you ready now Trevor?"

I squeezed Nurse Blaine's hand and said, "Yes. Sir, I'm ready." Nurse Blaine began rubbing my lap again. My ass got larger and larger in the screen until the image disappeared between my cheeks. The image got brighter, and I could see my anus, filling the whole screen! He pressed the camera tube inside, and I saw what looked like a wrinkled worm that was inside-out. I felt the instrument going in, but Blaine was right; it was nothing at all.

"Your rectum is in good condition. I see no problems. The camera moved inward and around a corner. "This region is called your sigmoid colon. Everything I see so far looks normal and healthy. I enjoy performing these procedures on you children because it is so rare that I see any problems." The camera continued to snake its way around a few more turns. I could feel something wiggling in the bottom left part of my belly. It didn't exactly tickle, but it felt quite strange. "Here is where the sigmoid colon joins with the descending colon. We will explore this up a ways. Everything looks very healthy, very healthy. Do you ever have problems going to the toilet, Trevor?"

"Sometimes when I'm sick and have diarrhea I have a problem getting to the toilet," I said. "I've had accidents when I was sick, but not since I was little."

"That is perfectly understandable. We have all been through that. Even I have had those kinds of accidents. Yes, even as an adult, and even as a doctor who studies the anus and the rectum. Everybody gets sick. It is perfectly normal." Nurse Blaine squeezed my hand, and I felt fine. I wasn't ashamed to tell Dr. Gupta about my accidents because Nurse Blaine was there.

Suddenly the camera began to move backwards rather quickly. "We are all finished. You have a perfectly healthy colon and rectum, and you have a very nimble anus that maintains excellent tone at every degree of dilation that we reached today." I didn't know what all that meant, but he was smiling. He took off his gloves and washed his hands. Then he offered me a handshake, which I accepted. "I am signing you off as clear to do standard anal performances, but you must promise me that you will tell your director if something feels uncomfortable, and then do not do it. Will you give me your promise that you will do that?"

"Yes, Sir, and thank you!" I said, returning his smile. He wasn't so bad.

"It was a pleasure to meet you Trevor," said Dr. Gupta. "I will be happy to see you again in one month. Blaine, please clean the patient and see he gets to his next appointment."

"Yes, Doctor," said Blaine.

"Goodbye Doctor," I waved and smiled. "Goodbye Trevor." "Well sweetie, let's get your little bottom cleaned up. We ran a little late, so we need to hurry a bit." He wiped my ass with paper towels, and then with sanitary wipes. Why was it ok when he did that, but if Randy did it, I would either feel embarrassed or get horny? "Your little bottom should be all set for your live performance this afternoon. We got you super-clean, and Dr. Gupta says your parts are all in great shape," he said, holding my super-sexy panties while I stepped into them. "Do you know how big your top is going to be?" he asked as he pulled them up for me. "Yeah," I said. "He's the size of that ano-soap… thing, the… not the biggest one that he didn't get in, and not as big as the biggest one that he did get in, but maybe as big as the one before that. He's a grown-up man."

"Wow," he said. "They must trust your little bottom. You're so new here and so young, to put you with a grown man in front of a live audience? Mr. Eastman must have some way of knowing that you would be ok."

"Oh, he's my agent." I said. "My top, I mean. He's been in me loads of times. I really like his cock! It's so nice and big, and it's easy to get inside of me but it fills me up all the way. I just wish I could deep throat him better."

"Better? You mean you can deep throat a grown man when you're only eight?"

"Almost nine!" I giggled, stomping my foot. He tickled my bare belly as I put my vest on.

Chapter 33

Trevor sees Linda, the studio's pediatric psychologist, for his first appointment. She asks him about his feelings toward other boys, and why some boys were so pretty or sexy that it hurt when he saw them, even the boy in the mirror. He still doesn't understand it, but it's making a little more sense to him.

Nurse Blaine became a special person in my life that day. At first I wanted him to think I was sexy, but in just a few minutes I only wanted him to touch me, to hold me like someone who cared for me. He was a man, but he was also very, very queeny-gay. I don't think he ever saw me as sexy, and I no longer wanted him to. I saw him as a sort of fill-in mum. I was moving away from my mum and our home. If I have a new home, why not a new mum?

But that wasn't meant to be either. He had work to do, and I had work to do. He had a private life, and I did to. Sort of. But he was always special, and he said it was ok if I wanted to think of him like a mum when we were together, but I wasn't to call him Mum. He began to take an interest in my school work, and he always told me how proud he was of my academic achievements. I don't think he ever liked child porn, but he was proud of my professional achievements – the awards, the reviews, the sales figures, the world records, all of that.

I haven't always wanted to be a nurse, but I have always been interested in the human body, so we've always had something to talk about. He finally told me a funny fact about poop too. Poop gives off lots of gasses, and some of those gasses leave the body as farts, but most of those gasses go back into our blood, and we breathe them out through our lungs. He said there was a scientist who had done research to find out if that was how people got bad breath! He had loads more funny stories about farts. He said it was possible for the guts to malfunction, and some people end up farting from their mouths! He also told me of an American scientist who invented underpants that made your farts not stink at all, and they actually worked! But no stores would carry the underpants because they were afraid customers would be disgusted by the idea. Funny, I think that would be a really useful thing to have. Especially for my dumb brother Ian.


Nurse Blaine led me by the hand to the third floor of the clinic to the Mental and Behavioral Well-Being Center. I asked him for a kiss, making sure that I spoke clearly so everyone could hear I was the one who asked. He kissed me with the sweetest smile. It wasn't a snog either. It was a proper, loving kiss. Like one from a mum. Well, from somebody else's mum, not mine. Not now. And I'm supposed to talk about her with this psychologist?

"Hello Trevor!" said the woman at the front desk. "We've been expecting you. Please sit down, and Dr. Bates will be with you shortly. I'll just let her know you're here."

"Aren't I supposed to see someone named Linda?" I asked. She smiled and said "Dr. Bates is Linda, Dr. Linda Bates." "Oh, ok," I said. "I understand." I waited less than a minute before a middle-aged woman with blond hair came through a door and met me in the lobby. "Hello! You must be Trevor," she said with a smile. I nodded, then stood up and accepted the handshake she offered. "My name is Linda, and I'm the pediatric psychologist on staff at the clinic. Why don't we go to my office and have a chat, shall we?"

She led me to her office, and I sat in a comfortable chair next to her desk. It had deep, soft cushions that made me feel like I was floating, and my feet could reach the floor. "Is this a chair for kids?" I asked.

"Yes it is, Trevor," she said, still wearing her kindly smile. "I see you are quite observant. I would like to start by telling you the plan for today. We will work here in my office for an hour or so. Then we will take a ten-minute break. You can get a snack, or something to drink, go to the toilet if you need to, while I do some work of my own here in the office. Then we will meet back here until noon. Someone will take you to lunch then, and we'll be done for today."

"Do I need to take my clothes off for this appointment too?" I asked.

"Not at all, Trevor," she said. "I'm not that kind of doctor. I don't work with your body. I work to help keep you fit emotionally and mentally. What's important is that you are comfortable in here with me."

"Oh. Ok," I said.

"Did it make you uncomfortable to take your clothes off with the other doctors today?" she asked.

"Oh no," I said, "not at all. I like being naked and wearing sexy clothes and being pretty, but when I took off my clothes for the other doctors, they didn't think I was sexy. They didn't seem interested in me at all. Do you think I'm sexy?"

"I'm sure there are lots of people who think you are very sexy, Trevor," she said. "Otherwise you wouldn't have received a contract with Frenetic to make sex films. You are quite pretty."

"But you don't think I'm sexy either, do you." It wasn't a question. It was my conclusion. If she thought I was sexy, she would have said yes.

"You must understand, Trevor, that doctors and nurses must not make sexual comments like that to their patients," she explained, still with her kindly smile, though I was starting to see it as a sort of mask that she wore. "We must never do anything sexual with you, and we must never tell you about our personal desires. We are here to talk about you, not me, or what I like. That is a very important rule for doctors and nurses here, and even if you don't understand why we have that rule, you must know that we all must follow it, and it has nothing to do with whether you are sexy. Do you think you are sexy, Trevor?" she asked without pausing.

"I did earlier today," I said, "but after being around all the doctors and nurses, I didn't feel very sexy at all. No one wanted to see me naked. Nurse Blaine told me why nobody was kissing me. I guess that's like the rule about sex. But I could ask him for a kiss, and he could give me one." "I see, yes," she said. "Being around people who don't act sexually with children can confuse things when you've grown accustomed to being told how sexy you are by those around you." She tapped something into her computer. "Tell me, Trevor," she said, "What do you think made you sexy before you came to the clinic?"

"Well, I guess everyone sort of told me I was," I replied. "Everyone wanted to have sex with me too, and Mr. Eastman gave me a contract that gives me a lot of money to be sexy and to have sex with other people in his movies because he thinks people everywhere will want to see me naked and having sex."

"So you believed you were sexy because people told you that you were sexy?" she asked. I nodded. "Was that the only reason you felt sexy?"

"Oh no," I said. "When my new friends Boris and Sebastian were having sex with me, they were excited. They really liked it, and when they said I was sexy, I didn't believe them at first, but they kept wanting to have sex with me more and more, and if they wanted lots of sex with me, that sort of meant that I was sexy. To them, I mean. I can feel it when we have sex. I can feel their love and how excited they get. They say I make them happy. I believe them. It's the same with my agent, Randy, and now with some of the actors, like Adrian, and… with… Annie." I didn't want to tell her about Annie. That was private. I thought some more as she tapped more notes into her computer.

"But something else happened too," I said. "My friend Sebastian let me wear some of his sexy clothes, and when I saw myself in the mirror, I looked sexy. I felt sexy, and I knew I was sexy. Then we went shopping, and I bought all these sexy, pretty things I'm wearing right now. Sebastian helped me find the right lipstick and makeup and jewelry, and when I looked in the mirror and I was so pretty, I cried. It hurt because I was so pretty."

"Why do you think it hurt, Trevor?" "I dunno," I said. "Can you take a guess? Try your best to have a guess."

How was I going to tell her this without talking about Annie? I have thought other boys were so pretty or so sexy or beautiful that it hurt because I knew I could never be with them, and with Annie it was almost the same, only with him I feel hurt sometimes because I might lose him.

"Um, have you ever liked someone a lot, but it hurt because you couldn't be their girlfriend?" I asked her.

"I think most people have had that experience, and it can certainly hurt a lot."

"Well, sometimes I would see a boy at my school, and I would feel everything all at once. I would feel love, I would feel happy, I would feel sad, and lonely. I would feel ugly and ashamed too." "That's a lot of feelings to have all at once."

"Yeah, and I get confused," I said. "I don't like feeling confused either, so I want to run away when I see a boy like that. He would just remind me how ugly I was or how lonely I was, and how nobody ever liked me, except a few of the girls."

"If you felt ugly and lonely, I can understand why it would hurt so much."

"They would just laugh at me and pick on me if I told them I liked them," I said. I was beginning to find words for this now. "And then I would feel even worse. A lot worse. Then everyone in the school would know. But the things I felt about them were so lovely. I thought about the beautiful and sexy boys all the time at night, when I was all alone. I pretended they liked me. But then I'd go to school, and there they were. The real boys, and I had to hide from them."

"It hurts to be picked on and bullied," she said, "and when it makes you ashamed to talk to someone you find attractive, it makes sense that it hurts a lot more. But I'd like to talk more about the mirror. You discovered how pretty you were, and you cried. What you have been telling me relates to that somehow, is that right?"

"Yes, I think so." This was all making so much sense now. "When I looked in the mirror, I saw this boy who was so sexy and so pretty…" I suddenly sniffled and tears began to flow. It surprised me this time. I wasn't expecting to cry. "I'm going to cry now," I choked out, "because I feel like crying, and that's what I'm going to do."

"Trevor," she said in a soft voice – soft but serious, "I think that is a lovely and healthy thing to do. I want you to have a good cry if you feel like crying. I will wait until you feel ready to continue talking."

She handed me a box of tissues, and I blew my nose. "Nurse Blaine says that snot from crying is just extra tears that couldn't come out of the eyes."

"Really!" she said. "I didn't know that."

I was careful wiping around my eyes because I didn't want to smear my eye makeup. "Ok," I said. "I can talk again."

"Very well, let's take up where we left off. You saw a sexy and very pretty boy in the mirror. Tell me more."

"Well, it's like I felt about the other sexy and pretty boys I knew. It hurt when I saw them. I was one of those boys, and it hurt when I saw myself. Right now I'm so pretty and so sexy that if I see myself in a mirror it would hurt." I paused because I felt sexy again, and I didn't notice that it had happened. "But the doctors and the nurses didn't seem to care, so I began to wonder if I was dreaming that I was that sexy and that pretty, and maybe the dream would all go away. But from what you've told me, and from what Nurse Blaine told me, and from what I've told you about why I felt sexy earlier, I know I'm sexy and very pretty again. I really am one of those boys who it would hurt to look at." "Seeing those other pretty and sexy boys made you afraid that they would make fun of you and laugh at you, make you feel ashamed and lonely. Are you worried that the boy in the mirror might do that to you, Trevor?"

"Oh no," I said. "Of course not. That's really just me in there. It's not like that. I dunno. The boy in the mirror is very pretty, and I hurt when I see pretty boys. That's all."

"You've been picked on and bullied for a long time, haven't you Trevor?" I nodded. "So the sexy and pretty boys were likely to stay away from you or hurt you then?" I nodded. "So what you wanted most was something you couldn't have, and it was something that could make you very, very hurt if you asked for what you wanted?" I nodded. "So asking for the things you wanted made you feel threatened, or hurt in some way?" I nodded. "And you wanted that boy in the mirror?" I nodded. "But sexy and pretty boys never do anything but make you feel bad?" I nodded. "Then you see this sexy and very pretty boy in the mirror, and you feel bad straight away, because sexy and pretty boys make you feel that way?" I looked up at her. "Trevor," she began, "sometimes we develop bad habits. You know what a bad habit is, don't you?" I nodded. "We can develop bad habits with the way we think as well, and I think you've done that. I think it has become a bad habit to assume that sexy and pretty boys are going to cause you pain."

I thought about this. I had certainly met loads of pretty and sexy boys and girls at the studio who hadn't caused me any pain at all. There was Sebastian, Boris, Robbie, Adrian… Annie… But I did feel that way around Annie. He was already my boyfriend, sort of, but he was so sexy and so pretty it hurt because I worried about… I decided I should tell her about Annie.

"I think you're right. Maybe," I began. "I met this boy a few days ago. His name is Annie, and he's a very, very pretty, sexy, cute, magical femboy, and I really love him. He really loves me too. But it hurts again because now I'm afraid that I will do something stupid and ruin everything."

"People do make mistakes in relationships, Trevor," she said, "but people who love each other can usually work things out and forgive mistakes." She paused for a bit. "I want you to consider something else." I listened closely, because I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to be nothing but happy with Annie. "I want you to think of the hurt you've felt when you've seen a sexy and very pretty boy. Then I want you to think of the sexy and very pretty boy in the mirror and ask yourself how Annie feels when she sees him. Do you think she worries about making mistakes? Do you think it causes her the same pain you feel?"

"Annie is a boy," I said. "He's a 'he'"

"Oh, yes," she said, "I do know Annie. You're right of course. He is definitely a boy. My apologies. But what do you think he feels when he sees you, the same boy that you see in the mirror? Do you think he feels hurt or worried about fouling things up?"

"He's perfect," I said, thinking of him. I must have paused longer than I'd intended though. "I think you know better, Trevor. Nobody's perfect. Think of that, and put yourself in Annie's shoes. You know that you are sexy and very pretty. You are the exact kind of boy it would feel painful for you to be around."

"He wouldn't be so stupid," I said. "Everybody likes him. He's got nothing to worry about." "Have you met anyone here who dislikes you, Trevor?" She was onto something. She was right of course. Everybody at Frenetic seemed to love me. "Now you mention it, no, I haven't. There've been a few people I thought who didn't like me at first," I said, thinking of Adrian, and even Claire, "but I was wrong."

"It would seem that you and Annie are equals then," she said. "You are both well loved, you've told me that you are both sexy and very pretty, and that it hurts you when you look at either of you."

I nodded slowly and said, "Yeah, I guess so. D'you think?"

"I want you to pay attention to what you think and feel," she said. "What I think and feel isn't important when we are in this room, ok Trevor?" I nodded. "I am going to give you an assignment that I want you to do this week." That sounded like homework, but it was summer holidays! "Before this same time next week, I want you to ask Annie if he hurts when he sees you, or if he worries about fouling things up and losing you. I want you to come back and tell me his response."

"Yes, Doctor," I said. "Please, call me Linda." "Yes, Linda," I said. "I thought I was going to see you every month."

"Oh yes, we will be meeting each month, but not at first. Sometimes I think it's best to see someone more often," she said. "There are a lot of things that I need to learn about you. You've lived with some challenges at home, and you've had a hard time of it at school. I need to learn about how that has affected you because the child pornography business is special. It can make your deepest feelings become strong, and if we are not careful, some of those strong feelings can cause serious problems in the way you think and act. All children in the porn industry must be closely monitored by a psychologist for any signs of trouble, but you needn't worry, Trevor. Every adult who enters the Frenetic complex has taken a pledge to help you and all other children here if there is any sign at all that you are having difficulties. Please, Trevor, tell me what you think about what I've just told you?"

"I dunno," I said. "It's like you think I'm falling apart already, but you've just met me. You've known me for two minutes, and you think I'm mental. But I'm not!" I hadn't realized that I was becoming angry until that moment. "Thank you for giving me your honest answer," she said, to my surprise. "Are you feeling angry with me, Trevor?" I looked at the floor and nodded. "This is a place where it's ok to be angry and honest at the same time. Some children can be frightened and confused and not want to speak the truth about their feelings, but it's important that you always tell me honestly, like you just did." She paused. "I would like to explain further why I want to see you every week. I made that decision when I first looked through your file. It is not based on anything you've told me today. There have been several recent events in your life that we will need to discuss. Your parents' divorce, for example. That alone is a reason for more frequent visits. All children whose parents have been divorced within the previous three years must see me weekly until I am satisfied they are coping well. I certainly do not think you are mental, or mentally ill in any way, but if we are not careful, it could be possible for you to develop problems in the future. Our work right now is meant to protect you against those problems developing. I am not terribly concerned about your condition today. I think you are a perfectly healthy eight year-old boy who perhaps worries a bit more than is necessary, but we must be very cautious with all children in this business."

"Nearly nine."

"Yes, I see, nearly nine," she said. I was glad to have something to force on her. She was making all the decisions, and it felt good to correct her. "You should know that many of the children here see me every week, especially children who are new to making child pornography, and you might come to like our visits. We can work around your filming schedule. Your agent will see to it."

"Ok," I said, still looking at the floor.

"I would like to resume our discussion, if that's all right?" "Ok," I said, still not lifting my head. "You were talking about boys who were so sexy and very pretty that it hurt," she said. I nodded. "And you felt that same way when you saw yourself in the mirror with your sexy and very pretty new clothes." I nodded. "I suggested you might have developed a bad habit of thinking that sexy and very pretty boys will cause you to feel hurt, even if the boy loves you, even if the boy is you." I nodded. "Please Trevor; I would like your opinion. Do you think I'm correct? If so, do you think there is even more to it that we have not discussed?"

She was going to make me talk now. Great. "Yes, it makes sense when you say it," I said. I thought more about the bullies. I thought about Ian and Mum. I thought about everyone who had treated me like I was a nobody, and to my horror, my eyes felt like they were swelling again. I wanted to be angry! But I felt sad. Very sad, actually. I reached for the tissues again, and Linda remained silent. I blew my nose and waited for it to pass, and then she spoke.

"Trevor, it looks like something has made you sad. Is that right?" I nodded. "I would like you to tell me about it. If you are still angry, that's ok too, but I would like you to try to talk through your anger and your tears and share with me what you are thinking and feeling, ok?"

I nodded and spoke to the floor. "All those people… All those people, the bullies, the sexy pretty boys, my mum, my dad, my brother, everyone who was important to me…" I sobbed more heavily, and I could no longer speak.

"Please take your time, Trevor," she said, encouragingly. "We have lots of time today. Carry on when you feel ready." I nodded. I wished Nurse Blaine was there to hold me.

After about a minute, I blew my nose again, and she slid a wastebasket near me so I could dispose of the pile of tissues that was accumulating on my lap. "All those people, and NONE OF THEM," I shouted, "EVER told me how pretty or sexy or handsome I was! Never! I was ugly, a poof, a burden, a dork, stupid, all of those things. Nobody ever told me how good looking I was! And all the people here think it's obvious! I can see it myself in that boy in the mirror! But he can't be me because I'm an ugly dork! He is telling me that I've lived my whole life as a very sexy and pretty boy, and none of the people in my life ever told me! It was like a big secret they all wanted to keep from me! Maybe they were too busy ignoring me or picking on me to notice, but how could Mum and Dad not notice? Why weren't the sexy boys at Preston Primary coming after me, telling me they liked me? Or just wanting to be my friend?" I looked up at Linda. Her head was tilted to one side, and her eyebrows were pushed up in the center.

"What you are saying is very sad," she said. "You needed to know that you were valued, but you didn't. You needed to be told that you had good qualities, but no one told you. You've just discovered something that has been missing in your life, something you deserved to have from your parents. I think it runs even deeper than whether you were attractive. You deserved love, and I don't think you got very much, or at least not as much as you needed."

I sobbed some more and blew my nose. I hadn't felt very loved since Mum and Dad divorced, but love was something they showed on the telly. People weren't really like that. As if parents would really put their kids first! Right? They would buy their kids nice clothes and make supper for them every day, even if it meant they had to work two jobs, and tell them they loved them and kiss them goodnight, every night. Yeah, like people actually did that in real life. They really went around saying that children were precious and that we needed to protect them and care for them. Everybody knew that was fake nonsense because it made good stories on the telly. Everything on the telly was fake because people wanted to feel good when they watch a program, not talk about the truth. That kind of love was nonsense. Sure, teachers at school talked about it, but that's because they were supposed to. It was all make-believe, and everybody knew it, right?

But I certainly felt loved at Randy's house. Randy wasn't my dad, but I felt like I meant the world to him! Hadn't he cried when I'd been horrible to him instead of slapping me and leaving me forever? Had Boris or Sebastian ever done a single unkind thing to me, their friend?

"You need to be loved, Trevor," she said. "Do you feel loved now?"

"Yes," I said. "Randy and Boris and Sebastian and… and Annie all love me." "We need to be very cautious about something, Trevor," she said. "We need to explore the exact reasons why you want to make child pornography. Sometimes people have a lot of sex because what they really need is love, and they don't know how to find love. They might think that someone loves them if they have sex with them. That is something we can come back to after our break. I will walk you to the front desk, and someone there will take you to a room with snacks and beverages, ok?"

"Ok," I said.