Why does it always rain when you’re sad? I hate that. It’s like a movie or something, you know? You’re on your way to apologize to your girlfriend for being a dick and not trusting her. You’re all fucked up inside because she said she isn’t sure she really wants to be with someone who doesn’t trust her. All of the sudden it starts raining, big fat sloppy rain that soaks you right through and drips off your nose in the most annoying way possible.

It’s worse in the cold though. I was glad it wasn’t cold out. My T-shirt was sticking to my skin and it was almost see-through. It was a T-shirt she had given me. It was sort of tan-coloured and it looked like I wasn’t wearing anything at all. She figured it was sexy. I didn’t care either way. One shirt is as good as any other when you’re soaking wet in the rain. I was so glad it wasn’t cold out.

As I walked I tried to sort out what I was going to say. There was this rumour going around that she was seeing some other guy behind my back. Instead of just trusting her and simply asking her about it, I flew off the handle and started screaming at her outside of school.

“What the hell’s this I hear about you seeing some other guy?”

She looked shocked, and then she looked angry.

“What the hell are you talking about?” she said, glancing around to see who was all eavesdropping.

“I heard some shit about you messing around behind my back. Let’s get this straight right now: if this is true you can go fuck yourself. I’m not gonna be made a fool of!”

“And what if it’s not true?”

I was a little stunned by that notion. If it wasn’t true I’d look like quite the ass. I should have thought about that before confronting her, but I was angry. Now I was in it. I had to get my point across.

“It better fuckin’ not be true, because if it is, we’re through.”

“How about this instead: it’s not true, and we’re still fuckin’ through. How do you like that? Don’t come at me with this shit, like I’m some kind of slut. Do you really have so little respect for me that you’d believe some stupid rumour over me? Fuck you, then! I don’t need this shit. Fuck off and die!”

Tears were flowing down her cheeks. I suddenly felt like an asshole. She turned and walked away and I didn’t stop her. People were standing there staring at me. That’s when the clouds had first rolled in.

All the way home I was kicking myself. How could I have been such a dumb-ass? What the hell made me believe that she would ever cheat on me in the first place? It wasn’t even about her. The whole thing was all about me, me and my stupid insecurity. For some reason I was always questioning her. It drove her nuts. It was like, no matter what she did it still wasn’t good enough for me. I still doubted her love deep in my heart. It wasn’t fair but somehow I couldn’t help it.

“What’s up, dude?” my friend Chuck asked, trotting up beside me.

“Very little.”

“I hear you got in a fight with Alicia just now. What’s up with that?”

“Holy fuck, shit flies around this school fast! Next thing you know people are gonna start telling me about shit that hasn’t even happened yet.”

“Is it true what people are saying about her cheating on you?”

“Of course not! What kind of slut do you think she is?”

I kicked an empty pop can and it rattled down the sidewalk ahead of us. The tinny clanging seemed an impotent expression of the anger and frustration I felt. It would have to do though. I stomped the can into a flat disk of aluminium as I passed it. The crunching sound it made comforted me a little more.

“I don’t think she’s a slut, dude. I just heard rumours, that’s all.”

“Well keep that shit to yourself next time. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Are you guys on the rocks, or what?”

“I hope not. She said we were through, but I think she was just mad.”

“Maybe you’re not satisfying her in bed?”

“Fuck off, man. That shit ain’t funny!”

Chuck laughed. It sounded kinda forced. I wished he would just leave me alone. I had to figure out how to patch things up with Alicia.

“Take it easy, man. I was just kidding. Shit! Why you so bitchy? Maybe she’s not satisfying you.”

Chuck laughed again and I punched him. I was already pissed off and he was pushing me over the limit. I punched him hard and fast in the shoulder, right in the patch of his sleeve of our team’s football jacket, where his name was emblazoned. Thud! I punched him right in the CHUCK. Not hard enough to injure him or anything, just hard enough to let him no I wasn’t kidding about him not fucking around right then. He stopped, and I kept walking.

“Fuck you then, pal!” he called after me, with sarcastic emphasis on the word ‘pal’.

“Whatever! Save it for someone who cares.”

“If I had a girlfriend like yours I wouldn’t be so bitchy all the time!”

“Whatever!”

I was too far down the block for him to hear me though. It wasn’t much of a comeback anyway. Oh well.

I tried calling her when I got home. There was no answer. I called her every ten minutes for almost an hour until finally her mom answered.

“Yes, Alicia’s here. I don’t know why she doesn’t answer the phone. Alicia! It’s Greg.”

I waited impatiently until she finally picked up the extension.

“What?” she said, so cold it made my stomach churn in fear.

“I just want to call and see how you were doing.”

“I’m fine. Can I go now?”

“Are we really broken up, or what?”

“I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“Well I do. I need to know if you’re fuckin’ dumping me or not.”

“Well what would you do if you were in me, Greg?’

“Well put yourself in my shoes! I’m hearing all this shit all day from everyone that you’re cheating on me. What am I supposed to think?”

“You’re supposed to trust me!”

“Well I do, but- I mean. Well I just didn’t know what to think. I’m sorry!”

“You’re sorry? Yeah right! You’re always sorry, Greg. This shit’s been going on for months now and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the head games. You either trust me, or you don’t. Pick a side and stick with it.”

My whole body felt weak. I was trembling with fear and anger. I didn’t want to lose her, but at the same time I was afraid to trust her. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to believe. I was freaking out inside.

“Are you gonna talk or are you just gonna sit there and breathe? I’ve got better things to do than stand around here all day talking to you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

I was getting angry now.

“Nothing. Whatever. Can I go now?”

“No, Alicia. We need to get this sorted out. This is fucked up!”

“No Greg. You need to get yourself sorted out. This isn’t my mess. It’s all you. It’s always been you. I’m not interested in playing this little game with you anymore. If you don’t trust me, we’re through. That’s all there is to it. Goodbye!”

She hung up. She fuckin’ hung up. I couldn’t believe it. I was so angry. There were still a million things I wanted to say. I mean, I did trust her. Of course I did. But she was right. I just had to get my heart sorted out. But how could she just hang up like that? That’s so humiliating. I hated not being allowed to say what I wanted to say. It was like being slapped in the face. Fuck!

I paced around the living room for a good hour. It was an hour of agony over whether I should call her back, not call her back, tell her to go fuck herself, beg her to take me back. I was in agony. Why the hell had I been such an idiot? Eleven months down the tubes because I couldn’t get my head out of my own ass about trusting her once and for all. What the fuck was I going to do now?

Finally I sat down just staring at my shoes for a long time. The sun went down, and it started raining. It always seems to rain when you’re sad.

Mom came in a few minutes later and found me sitting on the floor nearly crying. She put her groceries down and hurried over to me.

“Oh, honey! What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’, I guess. It’s just Alicia-”

That was all I could get out. If I said anymore, I was sure I would burst out bawling. I already felt like enough of an idiot. That would make me feel even worse. Mom grabbed me and just hugged me tightly.

“What happened? You guys didn’t break up, did you?”

“I don’t know. I think so.”

“But why? What did she do?”

It’s funny how your mom will always automatically takes your side. I felt comforted by that a little, even though I knew it was my fault, not Alicia’s.

“It’s not her, mom. It’s me. I heard this rumour about her cheating on me and I flipped out on her without even checking if it was true.”

Mom cringed.

“I feel so stupid now. She’s been nothing but good to me and I messed it up, all because I couldn’t just trust her.”

“Well you know, honey, trust has very little to do with the person you’re supposed to trust. It mostly has to do with you. If she hasn’t done anything wrong, and you still don’t trust her, it’s not her fault.”

“I know, mom! You don’t have to rub it in.”

“Sorry. I did say ‘if’ she hasn’t done anything wrong though, right? Girls are messed up now-a-days. You never know who they’re all sleeping with these days. They all look like little sluts to me.”

“Ma, you’re not helping.”

“Sorry. I shouldn’t say that about her, I guess. She’s a nice enough girl. I just want to make sure you don’t get fucked around.”

My jaw dropped. Fucked around? That was the first time I’d ever heard mom swear in my whole life. It sounded so bizarre coming from her.

She saw the look on my face and responded. “Sorry. I mean screwed around. I don’t want to see you get your heart broken. That’s all.”

“It may be too late.”

“Here’s the thing, Greg. You need to believe in yourself, that’s all. Forget about everything else, and just believe that you’re worth loving. Believe that you’re a good person, and that one day you’ll find the perfect girl who will make you trust her without even trying. You gotta believe in it, though. If you doubt yourself, you’ll always doubt that the woman you love loves you. You know what I mean?”

“I suppose so.”

She hugged me again and got up to put her groceries away.

“Listen, Greg. The best thing for you to do right now, is to go down to Alicia’s place and talk to her face to face. Apologize, and tell her you really do love her and that you’re gonna try your best to let go of your mistrust.”

“I’ve already given her that speech a hundred times. She won’t buy it.”

“Well then just go down there and tell her all the things you adore about her. Don’t let the conversation dwell on you. Forget about your hang-ups and just drown her in all the reasons you love her and trust her and want to be with her forever. If she doesn’t accept that, than she’s not worth you’re trouble.”

It was such a motherly thing to say. I didn’t agree with it though. Alicia was worth the trouble. She would be doing me a favour just talking to me at this point. I owed her so much. I only hoped I could find some words to convince her that I was gonna change once and for all, for real this time. Would she give me another chance? I could only dream.

Mom was still talking to me, but I had already run out the door into the rain, without even putting on a jacket.

So there I was behind her building, looking up at her third-floor window. Along the way, I decided once and for all that she was worth fighting for. I would have to just fuckin’ grow up already. She was worth it. I decided I would promise to drop the shit and just treat her right from now on. No matter what it took I would make myself the man she deserves. I would have to trust her, even if it meant exposing myself to potential pain. I loved her completely.

I started up the fire escape stairs to her back door. The rain fell on me, as though trying to weaken my resolve, as though trying to change my mind. It pelted me with doubts and fears about the steps I was taking up to an apology that would change my life. I was determined though. Love was worth fighting for. If love wasn’t, nothing was.

When I got to the top of the stairs it occurred to me that if she really was cheating on me, now would have been the time for her to do it. Her mom wasn’t home until eleven, and her sister was away for the week in Florida. She would be all alone. It was the perfect opportunity, if she was cheating on me, to call up this other guy and have him come down for a good hard fucking.

I stopped my train of thought though. That was exactly the kind of shit that got me in this mess in the first place. I was always speculating, always making up bizarre little stories in my head about what she was probably doing with some other guy when I wasn’t around. That’s the part of me that had to die if I ever wanted Alicia to take me back. I had to trust her. I had to assume she was faithful. Never mind that. I had to not even consider the fact that she might not be. It seemed impossible, like becoming a whole new human being by a mere effort of willpower. Well, if it was a battle of willpower, I had one definite advantage: I was an extremely stubborn son-of-a-bitch. The battle would start right now.

I shut my eyes tight and forced the image of her cheating on me out of my mind. Instead I pictured her simply watching TV, or doing homework.

“Suppose I just peeked in the window, though,” a little voice said. “If she’s innocent, there’s no harm in a little peek, right?”

“Yes there is harm in it,” I muttered to myself, standing on the fifth step of the second floor. “The harm is that it just proves you don’t trust her. If you know she’s innocent, there’s no point in peeking! Just knock on the door and talk to her. Tell her how you feel.”

“But if I knock on the door, she’ll have time to hide whoever she’s with, and I’ll never find out the truth!” the little voice continued. “Just look in the window.”

“No!” I answered back again. “She’s not cheating on me. She’s been faithful for eleven months. She’s upset at me, but she’s gonna take me back. I have to trust her.”

“If she’s not doing anything wrong, there’s no harm in taking a little peek,” the inner sceptic said again.

I could not seem to silence this little voice, no matter how hard I tried. I would just have to prove him wrong. I was sure I would see her just sitting there watching TV. So what was the harm in a little peek? It would prove once and for all that she was trustworthy, and hopefully shut my stupid little brain up for a while.

I stepped up to the third floor landing, crept up to her window, and peeked in. There she was sitting on the couch watching TV. It was all dark in there, except for the pale flicker of the TV that cast light on her as she giggled and squirmed, laughing at the show she was watching. She had a blanket on her lap, keeping her warm on this cold rainy night. The window was open about six inches at the bottom and I could hear the dull chattering of some chick bragging to a friend about how much she trusts her brand of tampon.

See? No problem!

A flash of lightning lit up the night for a split second. Something moved under the blanket during the split second of that flash. There was a problem. At first I just thought it was my imagination, but then she laughed out loud and smacked down on the blanket.

“Stop it, you! No biting!”

What the fuck!?

The blanket flipped off of her of its own accord and a head popped up from between her knees. There was a distant rumbling in the sky as the thunder answered the lightning.

“I can’t even breathe down there,” the guy mumbled. “If you want me to go down on you you’ve gonna have to let me do it without the blanket.”

What the FUCK!!!

“Fine. Just hurry up. I have a feeling Greg might show up. It’s just like him to stop by uninvited, all suspicious, claiming he just wanted to see me or something.”

“I suppose he has a reason to be suspicious, doesn’t he?”

“Not really. As far as he knows it’s all his fault for being jealous. I’m as innocent as an angel. Now lick my cunt, you sexy bastard, before he starts banging on the door and wrecks my orgasm.”

Fuckin’ bitch!

“Why haven’t you just broken up with him already? We’ve been fuckin’ sneaking around like this for months now. I’m sick of it.”

“I don’t know. I’m just a wimp I guess. I’ve been working on it, though.”

With that, the guy shut up and dropped his face in between her well-spread thighs.

I sat there in horror, rage, and humiliation. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t believe what I had heard. Fuck! She really was cheating on me! The rumours were true! And after all that shit she gave me about just trusting her! What a liar! What a whore! Part of me wanted to crash through the window and beat the fucking hell out of both of them. Part of me wanted to turn around and take a flying leap off of the fire escape. Just end it all. Put myself out of my misery once and for all.

Alicia clutched the guy’s head and threw her head back in what looked liked ecstasy. She normally looked very sexy like that, but at the time I felt nothing by absolute undiluted rage. I was frozen, drinking up the proof of her betrayal with my own eyes.

My heart had been right all along. I wasn’t some low-self-esteem whacko, filled with a psychotic sense of mistrust. She really was a cheating little two-faced slut!

The guy sat up again.

 “I wanna fuck you, baby. Come on. Let’s go.”

“Fuck off! I’m almost there!” she said in a horribly irritating whine.

The guy went back down on her and in about thirty more seconds she was coming. Her body stiffened. She panted and gasped. The orgasm shook through her. Lightning flashed in the sky again, lighting up her face for a brief moment, revealing the mask of ecstasy she wore. She shuddered and bucked on the couch. Finally she released the last of the tension with a sweet contented sigh. Thunder rumbled as though confirming the conclusion. She pushed the guy’s face away.

“Okay. I’m all done. Your turn now.”

“Awesome!”

I turned away, pressing my back to the wall beneath her window. I couldn’t watch my beloved girlfriend suck some other guy’s cock. It was my worst nightmare. I could still hear it though, even above the roaring rainfall, and I whimpered. The urge to run away was stronger now. His pants came down and she cooed lustily. Then I heard her hum to herself, and moan as she took it into her mouth. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move. I shivered in the night as these two lovers kept one another warm.

The guy gasped and sputtered out some belligerent praise. I cringed once again. That bastard was getting head from my girl! I wondered desperately who he was, but I couldn’t make it out. His voice was soft and he mumbled everything he said. Somehow though, I could hear the wet suction of her mouth sliding on and off his cock. She slurped noisily and sniffled through her nose as she gave him head. I could even hear the couch creaking, but I couldn’t make out who he was. Maybe I didn’t really want to.

Rain fell. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled in reply. The sky was completely black otherwise. And my girlfriend was sucking some other guy’s cock. She really was. I felt like I was going insane. I wasn’t imagining it though. I could hear it: slurp, slurp, moan, giggle, slurp, sigh. Then she slapped him, pulled off and said “Stop it…” and giggled some more. Then there was more slurping.

Just run away, Greg. Run away and never come back. Never speak to her again. Don’t even think about her.

No! Get in there and beat the living hell out of both of those fuckers. Show them you’re not a fool, not someone to fuck around with!

I was frozen though, just listening as Alicia sucked, and bobbed, and massaged another guy’s cock. And I could hear his moans of satisfaction, feeling pleasure that should have been mine. Then he was coming. He begged her to slow down but she said “uh uh” onto his cock and kept right on going. I heard him grunting and gasping. I heard excited moaning coming from her. He was coming. I just knew he was. I didn’t hear her break away and start panting either. She was taking it in her mouth. The guy growled his appreciation and finally fell silent. Lightning flashed. The moment hung there in time, and I felt stretched across a universe of conflicting emotions. The girl I loved had just brought another man to orgasm. I suddenly decided I hated her once and for all. I would hate her forever.

The guy squeaked out his last few muffled little gasps of orgasmic delight and then it was finished.

I heard an audible gulping noise. Thunder rumbled again.

Fuckin’ whore! God damn fuckin’ little whore.

“Wow, you never swallowed like that before?” the guy said.

“A girl shouldn’t leave a mess now should she?”

“Come on. Let’s go in the bedroom and finish this while I’ve still got some strength left.”

The couch creaked as they got up. Then I heard their feet shuffle off down the hall toward her bedroom. The girl I loved was going to fuck some other guy. It was time for me to leave.

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