Adults Only
Reasons Until After
Copyright 2008 Rachael Ross for BFG Productions in association with Severe Discipline LTD
rache696@yahoo.com
All rights reserved.
Story Codes: fff/m, teen, romance, reluctant, oral, cd, cheerleaders, and angst, lots and lots of angst
Synopsis: Ashley is sixteen and when the quarterback of the football team falls in love with him, everyone assumes the boy is gay. This would be bad if it didn't suddenly bring Ashley to the attention of the three hottest girls in school, cheerleaders determined to teach him all about life, love, and a little thing they like to call "girl fun"…What could possibly be wrong with that?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Reasons
Until After
by Rachael
Part 1
Dan was the new kid
at school. Every year we had one or two, just like we lost a few. This year,
when I was just turned sixteen, Dan showed up. He was almost eighteen and a
senior and so I didn't pay him much mind at first. I was a sophomore and I had
my own friends and completely different classes than he did.
"You seen that new guy, Ashley?" my best friend
Roger asked, sitting down next to me at lunch.
"Yeah, I saw him," I shrugged.
"He's big, ain't he?" Roger was a small kid, so he
noticed stuff like that I guess. I was small too, but I tried to ignore it.
"Yeah, maybe," I bit into my sandwich and made a
face. "He's a senior anyway, what do you expect?"
"I dunno," Roger looked at me.
"What?" I rubbed my nose, wondering if I had peanut
butter on it or something. I didn't really like that stuff.
"He was askin' about you."
"Who? The new guy?" I frowned a little, for no real
reason except I didn't understand what my friend was talking about.
"Yeah," Roger nodded, "his locker's close to
mine."
"So what does that mean?" I wondered.
"I dunno, he was just askin' who you are," Roger
said. "You piss him off or something?"
"No. Probably got me confused with somebody else,"
I took another bite, talking around it. "What would he want to know about
me for?"
"Beats me," Roger shrugged and we were quiet for a
couple minutes, just eating.
"Hey…" Roger jerked his head, "…There he
is."
I looked over my shoulder and sure enough, there was Dan
walking into the cafeteria on his third day of school. Over six feet tall and
muscular, naturally big that way, with a good looking face, I guess. I didn't
really care except I'd overheard some of the girls talking about him already,
with their silly ooh's and ahh's and all that. He was healthy, yeah, probably
gonna be on the football team, or wrestling maybe. Heck, tall as Dan was he
probably played basketball too. One of those all-around athletes. I hated those
guys.
Roger and I both watched as Dan looked around and then he
spotted us and started walking over. That was pretty weird. Seniors didn't sit
with anybody but other seniors usually, or maybe their younger girlfriends if
they had one, and for sure a jock like Dan didn't sit with anyone like us. I
wasn't a geek or anything, but I wasn't sleeping with a football under my pillow
at night either. I didn't even like football.
"Hi there," Dan said and he was looking at me,
standing close enough so I had to turn my face upward to see his smile.
"What's up?" I shrugged and Roger just sat back,
kind of narrowing his eyes because he was confused too.
"You are," Dan chuckled and I had no idea what that
meant. "Can I sit down with you guys?"
He didn't wait for an answer. Dan just pulled out the chair
next to mine and turned it slightly, not much, but enough so that when he sat
down he was facing me more than anyone else.
"So how do you like the school, uh, Dan?" Roger
asked just to say something normal, probably.
"I like it a lot," Dan said as he looked at me,
"more and more all the time. What's your name?"
"Mine?" I asked and he nodded. "Ash…Uh,
Ashley Collins."
"Cool," Dan took a little breath and licked his
lips. "You're seriously cute, Ashley. You know that?"
"What?" I stared at him and across from us Roger
made a sort of squeaking sound.
"Yeah, you're a babe," Dan smiled and his dad must
have been a dentist cause that guy had perfect teeth.
"I…gotta get going," Roger chickened out,
standing up and leaving fast. I was about to do the same.
"What does that mean?" I asked the guy and my face
was turning a little red.
I'd been called cute before, and even pretty by some of my
older aunts, but never a babe. I was small, yeah, slender and not very tall. I
wore my blonde hair too long probably, well past my collar, but everyone said it
looked good that way and I didn't mind. I had a lot of my mom in me, as anyone
could tell, like her bright blue eyes and delicate features. I never thought of
myself as feminine though, just a boy with a pretty face, like that actor,
Orlando Bloom. I bet nobody called him a babe just because he was pretty, and
nobody had ever mistaken me for a girl.
"You wanna go out with me? This Friday night?" Dan
asked, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "I heard about a
party some of the cheerleaders are having. It'll be fun."
"You're joking right?" I looked around expecting to
see a bunch of seniors laughing at me, but nobody knew what we were talking
about. Not yet anyway.
"No way," Dan shook his head and his hazel eyes
were locked on mine. "I just really want to take you out."
"I'm a guy," I snorted. "I don't know what
you're thinking, but…This is pretty weird."
"Don't go yet," Dan put his left hand on my right
knee as I started getting my stuff together so I could take off.
"Hey…" I frowned at him because that hand was big
and strong, and he was squeezing my thigh more than my knee all of a sudden.
"It's alright, Ash," Dan smiled. "I know
you're nervous, but you don't have to be."
"What?" I was burning up then with a quality mix of
anger and humiliation.
"Here, like this…" Dan said and before I could do
or say anything, the bigger boy just leaned close and kissed me softly on the
lips.
I stared at him for about two seconds.
"Get the fuck away!" I breathed, but I thought I
was shouting.
I jerked back like he'd slapped me and Dan let me go. I
didn't even pick up my lunch, just my books, and practically ran out of there
with about sixty kids watching me and whispering and wondering at what they'd
just witnessed.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I heard you were making out with that new guy,"
Reese was saying and I almost hit him, except he wasn't alone.
"I didn't know you're a fag, Collins," Frank
laughed. "You do all the other stuff too?"
"Yeah, are you a dick sucker, Ashley?" Larry
grinned, they all did, like they were the three stooges.
"Shut-up!" I said loudly, enough so that Mr.
Turner, our math teacher, looked up from his desk with a frown.
I hung my head in shame, as much as anything else, wondering
how I was supposed to explain that all I'd done was sit there. That Dan guy, he
was the faggot. He'd kissed me! In the middle of the cafeteria, like it was no
big deal. He had to be crazy! Now the school thought we were making out? That
was insane too! My heart was going a thousand miles an hour and my head was
spinning. I didn't know what was going on or why, or most especially how I was
gonna get out of it, but there had to be a way.
Half an hour later I was making my way to my next class,
English, and feeling extremely self-conscious. I was sure everyone was staring
at me. Everyone was whispering about me, I thought, and about what Dan had done
in the cafeteria. Everytime someone laughed I felt the fire in my face and I was
too afraid to look and see if they were really laughing at me or just at
something else.
"Hi Ashley!" Sonja, the absolute hottest girl in
school smiled at me.
She didn't even know I existed and now Sonja was standing
there with two of her senior cheerleader friends and they were all smiles too.
So I was smiling back. I couldn't help it. I jerked off thinking about Sonja
every other night. I tried to reply, but it's hard talking when your lungs don't
work. I had to remember just to breathe.
"Hi Ashley," Petra, the girl I thought about most
other nights, was smiling at me too. "I just wanted to say I think you're
really cool."
"You…do?" I swallowed hard and the dark haired
girl nodded happily, her soft brown eyes looking right at me.
"Oh yeah, we all do!" Sonja answered for her friend
and she was tall and light, like the way angels are made out of light. Pale and
blonde and glowing with ethereal beauty. God!
"That was so brave, kissing your boyfriend like that
today!" the third girl said.
Her name was Tori and that girl was obnoxiously cute and I
usually woke up thinking about her, ramming my morning erection into her tight
little pussy while I made her spell my name backwards. Petite, sexy, red-headed
Tori was all the coffee a sixteen year old boy needed to get his day started,
believe me, even if it was all in my head.
"W-What?" I felt the blood draining from my face
with a soft slurping sound.
"Yeah, that was so sweet!" Sonja nodded.
"You guys make a great couple," Petra added.
"Dan's hot!"
"And you're so cute, Ashley," Sonja said.
"You're perfect for each other."
"Don't let anyone give you a hard time for it,
okay?" Tori touched my arm and I almost jumped out of my shoes. "It
was the coolest thing I ever saw."
"The hottest you mean!" Petra licked her lips
slowly and I stared at her tongue. "Way hot!"
"Be nice…" Sonja giggled, "…Come on, we
have to go. See ya later, Ashley!"
"Bye Ashley!" Petra wiggled her fingers at me.
"Bye-bye, Ashley!" Tori spun around, walking
backwards, "Oh, I almost forgot! I'm having a little party on Friday. If
you guys want to come, I mean, that would be awesome. I told Dan about it
already."
"Uh…" my mind wasn't working at all.
"Just let me know! See ya!" she said, turning back
to catch up with her friends.
The three girls were laughing and glancing over their
shoulders at me, ignoring the dozens of teenage boys who were anxiously watching
their every move. They only had eyes for me, Sonja and her two friends, and I
should have been happy, but I wasn't. They thought I was gay? That I'd come out
of the closet and they were proud of me? Petra thought two guys kissing
was…hot? The world was spinning out of control, it seemed to me, and as if to
prove it I was suddenly engulfed by Dan's large shadow.
"Hey, Ashley," he practically sighed, leaning
against the lockers, making me feel almost cornered.
"Are you crazy?" I couldn't help myself.
"People think I'm gay! Some guys in math class asked me if I
sucked…" I blinked, lowering my voice because people were staring.
"…They asked me stuff."
"Ah, who cares about them?" Dan laughed and Jesus,
he had a deep voice.
"I do, you idiot!" I stared at him and if this guy
was gonna kick my ass, well, alright. At least people would know I wasn't a
faggot.
"I don't…" Dan leaned close and I shrank away
from him, clutching my history book to my chest like a shield. "…All I
care about is you."
"Then leave me alone!" I rolled my eyes, slamming
my locker shut and walking away quickly, giving him one last dirty look over my
shoulder.
"Playing hard to get?" a chubby girl named Mary
giggled and I glared at her.
"A lover's quarrel," Georgia grinned at her friend.
"God, he's so handsome though!" Mary took a happy
breath, making her chubby tits swell up. She tended to do that sort of thing a
lot.
"Ashley's seriously cute too," Georgia decided and
I was burning up again, like I needed Smoky the Bear to come hose me down.
"Yeah, but he's pretty," Mary looked at me like I
was a television. "Not handsome."
"You guys shut-up," I closed my eyes and I'd known
Mary and Georgia since kindergarten. They'd been chubby then too.
"Sensitive!" Mary giggled.
"I heard that about boys like him," Georgia nodded
seriously.
"Pretty boys?" Mary wondered.
"No, silly!" Georgia wrinkled her nose. "Gay
boys!"
"Thanks," I said under my breath, since Georgia had
gone ahead and spoken loudly enough for the kids all the way down the hall to
hear.
This was a nightmare.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"So, hey, uh…" Roger was walking home with me,
like we did everyday.
"What?" I asked sullenly, looking down and
wondering what I was gonna do. What I'd done to get into this mess.
"…Are you really, you know, gay?" Roger cleared
his throat and I gave him a withering look. "I mean if you are, well, it's
cool. We can still be friends and all, but, I'm not, uh…"
"Shut-up," I told him in the most sarcastic voice I
could.
"I'm just saying, you know…"
"I said shut-up already!" I stared at my best
friend. "Fuck! I'm not gay, alright?"
"Fine, yeah," Roger swallowed hard cause I only
used the F word when I was really mad. "Whatever you say, Ashley.
Sure."
"I don't know what's wrong with that guy," I said,
mostly to myself. "He kissed me."
"Yeah, he sure did," Roger grinned and I hadn't
meant to say that out loud.
"Shut-up," I looked down.
We walked in silence for awhile, cause it was about a mile to
our houses, but not quite. If you lived a mile away you rode the school bus, we
were only like nine tenths of a mile and that sucked in the winter, but for now
it wasn't bad. We were having a nice Indian summer and the walk was giving me
plenty of time to think anyway, except I didn't know what I was supposed to
think.
"Hey," Roger said.
"What?"
"What was it like, anyway?"
"What was what like?" I asked him.
"Uh, being kissed," he said and I gave him a real
dirty look. "I don't mean anything, just…I've never been kissed by
anybody."
"You want a boy to kiss you?" I stared at him.
"No!" he laughed nervously. "I just wondered,
you know? Nobody ever wanted to kiss me."
His voice had a plaintive quality to it, even though Roger
tried to hide it. I knew him pretty good, since we'd been best friends forever
anyway, and Roger had sort of a self-esteem problem. I did too obviously, but
for different reasons. Every teenager does probably. I just mean Roger sounded
lonely right then. I was sure he didn't want another boy to kiss him, who would?
But Roger probably wished someone would have that kind of interest in him,
anyone, cause people need that stuff.
I didn't have an answer though, so we just walked. It made me
wonder what else I was feeling. I was angry and embarrassed, even offended, but
how much of that was just because I was supposed to be? I have a tendency to
think about stuff too much. It's why me and Roger got along so good. Neither of
us were really outgoing, so we tended to look inward. Or at least I did.
How did that kiss feel? That was a good question and I had no
idea. I didn't really remember it, for one thing. I mean, I remembered it, but I
didn't, you know? I was suddenly worried that some part of me had liked it and
all my anger was just for show. I didn't want to like it all and it was that
fear that affected more than anything else. That self-doubt.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Mmmm…" I sighed as Sonja's lithe body molded
itself to mine. Her perfect breasts were rubbing my chest. Those nipples of
hers, swollen and pink, were sliding back and forth across my skin and her legs
straddled my hips.
Sonja's pussy was hot and tight and wet. The walls of her sex
gripped my cock like a fist, pulling at me as she pushed herself down with a
breathless giggle. I could hear her voice in my ear, telling me how good I felt
inside her. How she'd been waiting all her life for me to fuck her and take the
cherry she'd been saving just for me.
I thrust into the girl eagerly, holding her sweet round ass
in my hands, digging my fingers into her firm cheeks and making Sonja gasp and
shiver. My cock ached with desire. My balls tightened, drawing their strength
from my gut so that I had to arch my back against my impending orgasm. I was
going to cum inside her. I was going to flood the girl of my dreams with my hot
cum. I was going to…
"Ashley?" my Mom's voice came through the door and
then it was opening.
"Ohhh…Uh…" I rolled over quickly, letting go of
my morning erection and trying to catch my breath. I'd been holding it as I came
closer to the climax of my morning ritual.
"Hey sleepyhead, time to get up," Mom said and I
just waved at her.
"I'm…up…" I agreed weakly and when I heard the
door click shut again, I rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling.
"Shoot."
"Morning, champ," my dad said and he was almost
finished with his coffee, ready for another day at the office.
"Morning," I sat down and started filling a bowl
with cereal, Captain Crunch today, with crunchberries.
"Hey, have you met a new boy at school?" Dad asked.
"What?" I froze for a second and my first thought
was that somehow my dad knew what had happened.
"I think his name's Dan, have you met him?" Dad
drank the last of his coffee. "Steve was telling me yesterday that he has a
son in high school and…"
"Steve?" my mom interrupted him, setting a glass of
juice in front of me.
"Steve Staley," Dad nodded. "The new guy at
the office I was telling you about."
"Oh, the one from Pittsburgh? He has a son? That's
nice," Mom smiled. "Have you met him Ashley?"
"Uh, yeah, I've…seen him. I guess," I admitted
slowly, pouring some milk into my bowl.
"Maybe you could make friends with the boy," Mom
suggested. "It must be awfully hard moving like that. He's probably
lonely."
"I was thinking we could invite Steve and his family
over for a little barbecue," Dad said. "Before it gets too cold for
it."
"That would be fun," Mom agreed. "Maybe this
weekend."
"Sure, I'll ask him," Dad was nodding and I was
just listening, not wanting to eat my breakfast at all.
"Finish your cereal, Ashley," Mom chided me.
"You're too thin."
"Hmmm…" my dad was standing up and he gave me a
little look.
He didn't mean to, I knew that, but my dad had been big on
sports as a kid. Big all around, like Dan, and he'd married a cheerleader in my
mom. I knew he was waiting for me to tell him I was going out for football or
basketball, or something. Just like he was waiting for me to gain fifty pounds
of muscle and six more inches of height. The odds of any of that happening
though were pretty small. I'd had my growth spurt and it had lasted about three
days, but Dad didn't actually say anything out loud. He didn't have to, it was
in his eyes.
"Okay, I'm off for work," Dad said, giving Mom a
kiss. "See ya later, buddy."
"Bye, Dad," I watched him leave with a little frown
on my face.
"What's wrong?" Mom asked me and I shook my head
quickly.
"Nothing," I lied. "I just remembered some
homework I forgot to do."
"Homework?" she sighed. "Well, it's too late
now. You're going to be late for school as it is."
That was fine with me, I thought. In fact, it would be pretty
okay if I never went back to school. I could already imagine what the kids would
be talking about today. They'd had all yesterday afternoon to spread the news,
by the time homeroom was over this morning, everyone would know Dan had kissed
me. And my dad worked with his dad? They were coming over for a barbecue this
weekend? Great.
What did I do? I wondered, but God didn't answer. He never
did.
"Where you been?" Roger asked me and he was waiting
for me in the usual spot, since he lived a block closer to school than I did.
"Eating breakfast," I shrugged.
"Yeah, well, I hope it was good. We gotta walk fast
now," he said and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
We got to school just as the first bell was ringing and that
was cool. It meant everyone was too busy getting to class to worry about teasing
me. It was gonna happen though. In high school the basic rule of survival is to
be the same as everyone else. Keep a low profile, dress like all the other kids,
and avoid doing anything that would mark you as different. If you broke the
rule, the other kids would make you pay dearly for it. So I was fully expecting
trouble.
Our school had bullies, like any other school does, and they
were always looking for an easy mark. The worst one was a guy named Billy
Felder, a senior and not real big, but just mean. He was smart too, for a bully.
The stereotype is big and dumb, but unfortunately that isn't always the case. He
liked to bully people with words in the beginning, and then once you were really
mad and humiliated and ready lose your temper, he'd go ahead and give you a
shove and look for a real fight. Him and his friends, I mean. Bullies never
fight fair for some reason.
That's why I wasn't surprised when I heard Felder's voice
between classes, coming from behind me while I got some books out of my locker.
"Hey faggot, where's your boyfriend?" he started
and I just closed my eyes, knowing Billy was just getting warmed up. He had a
couple friends with him too, laughing and ready to urge Felder on, as if he'd
need it.
"Leave me alone," I said, knowing it was useless,
but I had to follow traditional custom.
"Guess you really are a faggot, huh?" Felder
laughed. "You answered up quick, Assley."
I knew then that I shouldn't have said anything, but it was
too late and I just shuffled notebooks in and out of my locker, not wanting to
turn around.
"Assley! That's a good one, Billy," one of his
friends said, like I hadn't heard it a thousand times since third grade.
"What color panties you wearing today?" Felder
tried and when I didn't answer right away, his other friend spoke up.
"Maybe we should take a look!"
"Maybe," Felder agreed and by now I could see a
small crowd of students gathering around us like vultures. Or hyenas maybe, take
your pick, since they were looking for a laugh if they couldn't have blood.
"How about it, fag boy, you want us to pull down your pants, or are you
gonna tell us?"
"Here's a better question," I heard Dan's
unmistakable voice and I did turn around then, "do you want me to kick your
ass right now, or after school?"
"What?" Billy hadn't expected to see Dan coming to
rescue me, but maybe he should have.
"Make up your mind, bitch!" Dan shoved Billy's
chest with a big hand, pushing the other kid back a couple steps.
"We were just having a little fun with him," Felder
said and he glanced at his friends, but they didn't look too sure of themselves
at all. Picking on me was a little different than picking on a guy like Dan.
"I asked you a question, shithead!" Dan shoved him
again and Billy's face was getting red as he took another step back, almost
losing his balance.
"It's okay…" I said weakly, just wanting this
whole thing to go away, but Dan was busy staring at Felder.
"I don't wanna fight you," Billy admitted
unhappily, because that's the last thing a bully ever wants to say.
"That's too bad," Dan said, "cause you have to
now."
Nobody saw that punch coming, Billy Felder least of all, and
there was just a sickening smack when Dan's right fist hit the boy hard in the
center of his face. He dropped like a rock, literally, like his legs just folded
and then Billy was sitting on his ass, dazed and bleeding all over his t-shirt.
It was probably the first real fight I'd ever seen, and the shortest. Nobody was
going to forget it and now the school really had something to talk about.
"Hey," Dan was putting his hand on my shoulder.
"Are you okay, Ash?"
"What? Yeah…" I felt numb.
"Let me carry your stuff," he said and I was only
dimly aware of it when Dan took my books out my hands.
The other kids were watching and whispering. There were some
giggles and laughs, but mostly people just got out of our way. I saw Sonja was
there, along with Petra and Tori, and all three of those girls gave me big
smiles. I knew they were impressed, but what girl wouldn't be? Dan had shown up
like a knight in shining armor and slain the dragon. It sounds overdramatic, and
of course it is, but that's what being a teenager is like.
"I don't want anyone giving you a hard time," Dan
was saying and he had his left arm around my waist. "I'm not going to let
anyone hurt you, okay?"
"Yeah," I said, but I didn't know what we were
doing.
Nobody had ever stuck up for me before. Not like that. That's
what I was thinking about more than anything else and I just didn't know what I
was supposed to say or do. I didn't know why Dan would do that, how he could be
so unafraid. Yeah, he was big, but there'd been three of them and Dan hadn't
cared at all. He hadn't hesitated to come help me and now he was carrying my
books, walking me to my class in front of everyone. Didn't he care what people
would think?
"Is this your class?" Dan asked and I nodded.
"Here…" he gave me my books.
"Thanks," I said and I had a hard time just getting
that word out. I was burning up, feeling incredibly embarrassed by all this.
Being saved like that just made it all worse somehow, like even more than that
little kiss, this was something serious.
"Ashley…" Dan's fingertips lifted my chin so that
I had to look up at his face.
"What?" I asked him, blinking rapidly while the boy
just looked at me for a long second.
"Yeah," he smiled. "You're fine. I'll see you
later, okay?"
Dan let me go then, turning around and going to his own
class. He left me standing there, with kids passing by and looking at me. I
shivered with goosebumps breaking out on my arms and then went quickly inside
the classroom to find my seat. I honestly had no clue what I was feeling right
then.
"That was so cool, man," a kid named Joey was
saying and it was science class, so people did a lot of talking in there anyway,
at least during labs.
"He really likes you, huh?" another boy asked me
and I just shrugged and concentrated on drawing the little amoeba thing I was
looking at in the microscope.
"I bet nobody ever calls you a faggot again," Roger
said, sounding almost envious. He was my lab partner and he kept his voice down,
thank God. I didn't know what to say to any of that.
My friend was right though, nobody called me a faggot, at
least not to my face. That was pretty okay with me, but on the other hand, a lot
of people seemed to be avoiding me entirely. Not running away or anything, but
just keeping a little distance; that could have just been my imagination too.
I'd never had a whole lot of friends really, but I'd gotten along and knew
everyone. It felt like everything was different now though, probably because I
felt different myself.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
By lunchtime I'd almost figured out what was going on. I'd
spent three hours in three different classes trying to sort out my feelings. I'd
pretty much decided that I was still angry about being kissed, sort of happy
about Dan punching Felder in the face, and pretty embarrassed by all of it.
Dan's attention was flattering, and that seemed like a good word, and it was
nice to have a friend, especially since he was the biggest kid in school. I
appreciated that…But I resented being treated like a girlfriend. I didn't like
the way he looked at me or touched me, and I remembered walking down the hall
with Dan's arm around my waist, my hip rubbing his thigh, and it totally
humiliated me.
"Ashley!"
I turned my head at the sound of a girl's voice calling my
name and it was Petra, waving at me. She was in the cafeteria with Sonja and
Tori, and they were having lunch with three other girls, all seniors, all
cheerleaders, and all beautiful to me.
"Hey Ashley, come sit with us," Sonja said and the
six girls had already made room for me at their table, which sat in the center
of the cafeteria because everyone else in that school revolved around them.
"Uh…" I stood there looking stupid because Roger
was waiting for me at our usual table and I was supposed to sit with him.
Another reason I hesitated might have been simply that stuff like this wasn't
supposed to happen unless it was a joke, and I knew they were serious. I just
didn't know why.
Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, my decision was made for me
when Dan showed up.
"Hi Ashley," he said in a gentle voice. "Let's
sit over here."
"Awww…" Tori gave us a mock pout and that was her
special power, I think. The earth wobbled a little under my feet.
"He wants to sit with his boyfriend today," Sonja
shrugged and her friends giggled and I was soon finding myself having lunch with
Dan and half the football team.
I expected some of those guys to say something, or get up in
protest maybe, but they didn't. They just ignored me, greeting Dan like
everything was totally normal. They were the school jocks, of course, generally
larger than everyone else, louder too, and not incredibly intelligent. They
talked about sports, cars, and girls, and so far as I could tell there didn't
seem to be a whole lot of difference between the three for those guys.
Roger gave me a dirty look and I gave him a little shrug,
like what was I gonna do? I had to talk to Dan, that was the reason I'd let him
pull me towards his friends. I had to find a way to explain stuff, but I quickly
realized that whatever I was going to say to the boy, I couldn't say it in front
of those guys! I was afraid to even open my mouth, like it would break the spell
that was making me invisible. If I said something those guys would notice me,
like ten football players suddenly realizing that a skinny little sophomore geek
was sitting at their table.
I'd be dog food! So I quickly decided to be small and quiet
and eat my Fritos. I could apologize to Roger later.
Dan didn't have that problem. He talked with his friends and
sat close to me with our molded plastic chairs practically touching. He ate with
his left hand and kept his right arm behind me and I wondered how he could be so
relaxed. After a couple minutes I felt his fingertips tickling my back and I
just burned, looking down and feeling my heart racing. It was getting close to
fight or flight time and the adrenaline was making me shake a little.
"We'll be there," Dan was saying. "Won't we,
Ashley? What time should I pick you up?"
"What?" I swallowed hard and at first I hadn't
realized he was talking to me.
"The party," Dan smiled into my eyes.
"Tomorrow night, remember?"
"Oh," I nodded, but only because I did remember,
not because I wanted to go.
"About seven, okay?" Dan asked and his friends were
looking at me.
"Look, um, I think we need to talk first," I said.
"Just me and you and…"
"Sure, we can talk, baby," Dan said and I blanched
at the word. "I'll give you a ride home after school, alright?"
"I think your girlfriend's a little shy," one of
the guys said and I dropped my head in shame as they all laughed.
"Yeah, a little," Dan agreed with a smile and he
went ahead and pressed his hand to my side, kind of pulling me against him
possessively. "He'll get over it though."
"Must be a virgin," another guy said and they all
thought that was real funny. I pretty much wanted to move to China.
Whatever those guys thought about Dan having a boyfriend, I
guessed they were alright with it, so long as I was a girlfriend. Dan hadn't
really corrected his friend and the other guys hadn't cared, but I wished they
had. If the other jocks had given Dan a hard time about being queer maybe he'd
change his mind. He'd have to, I thought. Nobody wants to go through high school
friendless and outcast. That was what confused me most however, the fact that
Dan wasn't being teased by his friends. They acted like it was perfectly normal,
just like Sonja and her friends thought it was pretty cool.
It made me wonder if there was something wrong with me for
not liking it.
After lunch was finished, and I'd barely eaten half of mine,
Dan walked me out of the cafeteria. Like held my hand, you know? I wanted to
jerk away from him and I felt like a caged animal, being held like that in front
of the entire school. He walked me all the way back to my locker and I found
myself leaning against it, facing him as the much bigger boy spread his arms,
pressing his palms to the wall on either side of me. I really was trapped then,
no doubt about it.
"I'll be waiting for you outside after school,
okay?" he said. "You can show me where you live."
"Don't you have football practice?" I asked.
"Or something?"
"I can be a little late," he shrugged. "Coach
will understand."
"He will?" I had no idea what that meant.
"You don't have to be scared, Ashley," Dan said.
"I'm not," I lied. "But I'm not…gay."
"Me neither," Dan grinned at me and before I could
ask him what that meant, he was kissing me.
Not a little kiss like our first one, this was different. His
mouth was on mine before I knew what was happening and he didn't draw back right
away either. I felt his tongue slipping between my lips for the longest three
seconds of my life. The tip of Dan's tongue found mine and he gave it a little
wiggle, and then it was over. I hadn't done anything at all to stop him.
"All right, break it up you two," a man's voice
made me jump. "None of that around here."
"Sorry, Mr. Peters," Dan said and it was one of the
math teachers, the one who taught juniors and seniors, so I didn't really know
him.
He didn't say anything else and I didn't look at the man, so
I don't think Mr. Peters even realized I was a boy. He would have said something
for sure if he'd known it was me. Two boys couldn't kiss in school, it was
ridiculous. Most people would think it was sick and perverted. Maybe in San
Francisco or New York City a boy could be openly gay and get away with it, but
here? No way!
Except it was happening.
"You taste good," Dan said after Mr. Peters was
gone. The teacher hadn't even slowed down.
"Please, look, I'm not like this," I said. "I
can't do this stuff."
"Just give me a chance, alright?" Dan said and the
bell was ringing, five minutes until class. "One date, please?"
"If it doesn't work, you promise to leave me
alone?" I asked and Dan nodded. "And no more kisses and stuff, okay? I
don't like it."
"Are you sure?" Dan was smiling, tilting his head a
little and I blushed furiously.
"I'm sure," I said. "I gotta get to
class."
"I'm still giving you that ride home," Dan said as
I ducked under his arm. "Don't forget."
I didn't even look back, but just walked away while other
kids stared at me. Mr. Peters hadn't been the only one to see Dan kissing me,
but everyone else knew exactly who I was.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Things were sorta normal for the next hour, since it was Ms.
Regan's American History class and she didn't like a whole lot of talking. It
was kind of a relief to be left alone, except for Roger's frowns and a few looks
and whispers from the other kids. I just kept my nose in my book and took notes
while Ms. Hagen lectured. God, that woman was boring.
Things went back to normal in my next class, however, meaning
back to being really strange.
"Collins! See you a minute?" Mr. Forbes told me,
cause it wasn't a question at all. His other name was Coach, by the way, as in
the football coach.
I finished dressing quickly, putting on my gym shorts and
t-shirt, same old shoes though. I just wore sneakers to school, and then went to
his office while the other boys went up to the gym.
"Uh, Mr. Forbes?" I asked and the guy always
intimidated me, the way all big men did. The way my dad did sometimes.
"Come on in. Nah, leave the door open, this'll just take
a second," he said. "Have a seat."
"Okay," I said nervously.
"I heard one of my players took a little shine to you,
Ashley," Mr. Forbes said and he was sitting on the edge of his desk,
looking down at me. "That new boy, Dan Staley."
"I guess so," I felt my face redden for the
umpteenth time that day.
"How do you feel about that?" he asked me and I
shrugged.
"I don't know," I said honestly. "I'm not, um,
you know, gay or anything. I don't know why he likes me."
"Sure," the man nodded, but he didn't look like he
believed me. "Well, I don't much care one way or the other, except I need
that boy happy."
"Happy?" I blinked at that.
"Staley took his last school to the state championships
twice. He's the best goddamn football player I've ever seen and he's gonna take
us to the championship too."
"Oh."
"So long as he keeps his head out of his ass and on the
grass," Forbes nodded. "The surest way to knock a boy's dick in the
dirt is to fall in love with something he can't have."
"L-Love?" I stared at him.
"He's got a bad case of you and I'm not gonna wait for
it to get worse," he told me. "Staley's got a lot on his mind. He's
gotta get the playbook down. He's gotta know the team and they gotta trust
him."
"What does that…" I didn't understand at all.
"Now, if Staley spends all his time worrying over you,
it's gonna be bad for everybody," Forbes said. "Bad for the team, bad
for the school, hell son, it'll be bad for the whole damn town, see?"
"Um…" I shrugged because I didn't see. It was
just football, who cares?
"So I just want to make sure that pretty little head of
yours is on straight," he said. "You keep that boy happy, keep his
head in the game where it belongs, and I'll take care of you."
"Take care of me?"
"Just like I take care of all the girls," he smiled
and for a fleeting moment I had the worst thought imaginable. "I have
certain arrangements with the school board. They're hot for a championship too,
believe me, and we all know that taking care of a healthy boy like Dan Staley
can be a full time job."
"Ummm…"
"So you don't need to be worrying about homework or
grades or any of that, see?" The man lowered his voice, even though we were
alone. "I'll take care of your report card; you just take care of your
boyfriend."
"My report card?"
"Have we got a deal, Ashley?" Mr. Forbes stared
into my eyes and I didn't know what else to do so I nodded. "Good. Now I'm
gonna expect to see you at practice and…"
"Practice?"
"All the girls come to watch, it's part of the
deal," he said. "I didn't like it at first, thought it might be a
distraction, but damn if it don't drive those boys crazy showing off."
"Oh."
"You'll come to the games and sit behind the
bench," he went on. "Ride the team bus too. Some of those away games
can be taxing on a young man's spirit."
"Away games?"
"You ever think of being a cheerleader?" Forbes
rubbed his bristling scalp. "Anyway, mostly I just need you to be yourself
and better yet, be available. You can do that, right?"
"Uh, yeah," I agreed just to make him happy. I was
really thinking that I wasn't anything like the man probably thought I was.
"Good," he smiled. "I knew you'd understand,
Ashley. I went to school with your dad; he was a hell of a football
player."
"Okay," I said, wondering what my dad had to do
with any of this.
"Alright, go on now, get your little ass upstairs,"
Forbes jerked his head. "And Ashley…"
"Sir?" I paused halfway out the door.
"If anyone gives you a hard time," he looked at me
hard for a second, "I know how to deal with that too."
"Okay," I nodded dumbly, feeling very much like I
had the time Roger and me had tried some of his dad's vodka. Somebody stop the
earth, I wanted to get off.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Hey, there you are," Dan smiled and he was leaning
against a little red convertible, one of those British MG kind.
"Hi," I said and after that I had no idea what I
was supposed to do.
"I put the top down," Dan said. "Thought you
might like a little wind in your hair."
"My hair?" I reached for my long blonde hair
without thinking and when I caught myself I felt silly, so I just brushed it
back from my forehead. It was long and straight and golden, and right then I
wished it wasn't.
"I love your hair," Dan said. "Come on, let's
go for a drive."
"You're driving me home, right?" I said, watching
as he moved to the other side and opened the passenger door for me.
"Well, yeah," he chuckled, "that's what I
meant."
"Okay," I agreed, but my heart was thumping wildly.
He didn't say anything at first and I tried to slump down a
little as we passed about half the kids in the school on our way out of the
parking lot. That MG was a small car though, real small, and there wasn't a
whole lot of slumping a person could do in it. Everyone saw Dan giving me a ride
home and it was just adding fuel to the fire, I was sure.
"This is a pretty cool car," I said, just cause the
silence was killing me.
"Thanks, yeah, the boosters in Pittsburgh gave it to me
for being the High School Player of the Year," Dan said, but not like he
was bragging, he was just explaining.
"Oh," I said. "Hey! My house is that
way."
"Is it?" Dan grinned at me. "That's okay, this
is a shortcut."
"A shortcut?" I looked around. "This goes to
the lake."
"Yeah, I guess it does," he said and he was looking
at me as much as he looked at the road.
"You said you'd take me home," I protested and I
had to grab my hair in a ponytail and hold it because of the wind blowing.
"I will," Dan promised. "But I thought you
wanted to talk first."
"Yeah," I said. "I do, but…Never mind."
"It's okay," Dan said and his right hand went to my
leg, sliding gently up and down my thigh.
"Don't do that," I told him, looking down.
"Doesn't it feel good?" Dan asked me and he gave me
just a little squeeze. "I like it."
"I don't," I said. "Please? Be nice?"
"I'm always going to be nice to you, Ashley," Dan
said seriously. "It's my mission in life, to see you happy."
"What?" I laughed and rolled my eyes maybe.
"Really!" Dan laughed too and his hand was still on
me, but I didn't say anything.
"I'm a boy though, I don't…" I sighed,
"…Why do you even like me?"
"Because you're beautiful," Dan said. "Because
you're smart, you're shy, you're funny, you're…"
"Stop," I really did roll my eyes then.
"You started it," Dan grinned, giving my thigh
another squeeze and I found myself smiling even though I really didn't want to.
The lake wasn't too far away and a few minutes later we were
parked by the water. On a Saturday night there'd be a lot of cars there, lovers
parking under the moon, but this was three o'clock in the afternoon and we were
the only ones out there for the time being. Dan turned off the engine and
unfastened his seatbelt, turning in his seat to face me and if that car seemed
small to me, it made Dan seem even larger than he already was. I undid my
seatbelt too, just in case I needed to get away in a hurry. I had no idea what
to expect.
"I've had girlfriends before," Dan said and his
voice was gentle now that it was quiet and we were alone. "They were okay,
but none of them were like you, Ash."
"I bet," I said, thinking that was pretty obvious.
"Like my last one? She didn't make me feel the way you
do," he said. "I mean, just looking at you, seeing you in school, it
makes me feel warm inside."
"It does?" I asked and the older boy nodded
seriously. "But you don't even know me."
"Yeah, but I want to," Dan smiled and his right arm
was over the seats and he shifted a little, bringing his fingers to my
shoulders. "I want to know everything about you."
"I don't feel like that though, see?" I swallowed
hard. "I'm a boy. I like girls, you know? I want a girlfriend. I want to
get married someday."
"I want to get married too," Dan said. "I
understand. I used to feel like that too. I still do, I mean, girls are great.
They're pretty awesome and I like them a lot."
"Then what's the problem?" I laughed, not
understanding this conversation at all. "Why not get a girlfriend? Jesus,
you could have any girl you wanted."
"Because I'm not in love with any of them," Dan
sighed and his hazel green eyes were staring into mine. "I'm in love with
you, Ashley."
"What? Dan…" I had to close my eyes and I
felt…Warm. Like Dan felt warm inside? I wasn't sure. I wasn't embarrassed by
what he said, well, maybe a little because he so obviously meant it, but I
wasn't mad at all. I felt warm, that's all I can say. My tummy was tight. My
fingers itched and my skin tingled, and I was warm all over.
"Ashley…" he whispered and I knew what was
coming. He was leaning forward just like before. Dan was going to kiss me and I
wanted to stop him, I swear I did.
"No." I opened my eyes and Dan's face was so close
to mine I could feel his humid breath on my skin. "I don't want to," I
whispered. "I can't."
"It's okay, Ashley," he said and I could feel the
boy's hand on my shoulder, his fingers through my shirt. "I won't make you
do anything you don't want to."
"I know," I said and I believed him. "I'm
just…I'm not ready for this. I don't know what I want."
That wasn't what I'd meant to say, but as soon as I heard the
words come out of my mouth I knew they were true. I did feel something, I
couldn't help it. I couldn't sit there and listen to another person tell me he
loved me and not feel something. Boy or girl, it didn't seem to matter, not in
that sense, and it just confused me all the more.
"I'm kind of going too fast, huh?" Dan frowned at
himself and his hand found my neck, my bare skin, and I shivered. "I can't
help it, but…Yeah, I can wait for you, Ash."
"You can't kiss me at school anymore," I said with
a little smile, happy that he'd stopped when I'd said no. "I mean it, okay?
We're gonna get in trouble."
"I know," Dan had his fingers in my hair and I
liked it. I mean, it didn't feel bad, that's all. I didn't want him to do it,
but I could feel his fingertips on my scalp and why did that feel so good?
"And I have to sit with my friends during lunch,
okay?" I said, thinking I had to make it clear that whatever Dan thought we
were, I wasn't going to be his girlfriend.
"Yeah, I understand," he agreed. "My friends
can be a little…"
"They're jerks," I said and then made a little
face. "Sorry, I just mean…"
"No, you're right," Dan stroked my hair, pulling
some from my eyes. "They are jerks, but they're good guys too,
so…Yeah."
"Yeah," I sighed and we were quiet for a few
minutes, Dan playing with my hair and me trying to figure out why I wasn't
making him stop.
"I'm looking forward to that party tomorrow," he
said finally. "It'll be fun."
"Maybe," I shrugged. "Is that, um, Tori's
party?"
"Yeah, the cheerleader?" Dan nodded. "She's
okay."
"I guess so," I shrugged, thinking Tori was a
thousand times better than just okay. "I don't really know her."
"She likes you," Dan smiled.
"She does?"
"Yeah, she's in half my classes," Dan said.
"She keeps asking me if you're coming or not."
"Oh," I smiled.
"You're still coming with me, right?"
"Yeah," I said. "I said I would."
"I guess your dad's gonna want to meet me, huh?"
"What?" I blinked at him. "Um…No, I don't
think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" Dan smiled, but he was genuinely
curious.
"My dad's kinda serious about…stuff," I said and
even I didn't know what that meant.
"You think he'd be mad if I was your boyfriend?"
Dan asked, like that was a normal question and I laughed at him.
"Yeah, he wouldn't get that at all," I said.
"And besides, you're not my boyfriend yet."
"Not yet?" Dan grinned and I frowned as I realized
what I'd said and that hadn't come out at all like I'd meant it to.
"I mean you're not my boyfriend," I said quickly.
"I don't have a boyfriend, so…You're not my boyfriend."
"I see," Dan smiled at me and that made me smile
and then we were laughing.
"God! Why me?" I looked up and shook my head and
Dan's fingertip touched my cheek, caressing me, and there's no other word for
it.
"Sometimes we don't get a reason until after it
happens," Dan said and that brought my eyes to his.
"Until what happens?"
Dan didn't answer me. He just smiled and pulled his hand away
slowly so that he could start his car.
"I better get you home now," he said. "Are you
cold?"
"No," I told him and I was even warmer than I'd
been before for some reason. His words had meant something to me. I didn't know
what exactly, and I didn't know why, but as soon as he'd said them it was like
something just clicked between us and I felt a different sort of fear then.
The fear that maybe he was right.
On the way to my house we just talked like normal people,
kind of, except it was mostly about me. Dan wanted to know what I liked to do,
what kind of movies I liked, and books and music, and that sort of thing. I
answered him honestly too and I have to admit I enjoyed it. Nobody had ever been
interested in me like that before, not even Roger, but we'd been best friends
forever so Roger already knew all about me anyway. He didn't count.
Dan counted though and even if I wasn't ever going to be his
boyfriend or whatever, I really thought it would be okay just being his friend.
He was super nice to me. He laughed at my jokes and listened to what I said. It
was strange because I always thought jocks would be…Different. We didn't even
talk about sports, not once. Dan didn't ask me if I liked football or any of
that, and I didn't have to defend myself for not being a big baseball fan or
whatever. That was a huge relief.
It was so much fun, I almost wished he wasn't taking me home
and I didn't mind telling him that.
"That was fun," I said when Dan stopped in front of
my house.
"Yeah, I liked it too," he smiled at me and we just
sat there for a few seconds.
"So, um, you're gonna be nice in school tomorrow,
right?" I said, half-teasing the boy and Dan grinned at me.
"I'll always be nice, Ashley," he said.
"You know what I mean," I laughed lightly.
"You promised, remember?"
"Yeah, I know," Dan said. "And tomorrow night
I'm going to pick you up, right?"
"Seven o'clock, yeah," I agreed and then we sat
there for a few more seconds, looking at each other.
"Maybe you should give me your phone number," Dan
said. "Just in case, um…You know…In case."
"In case?" I smiled. "In case you want to call
me, you mean?"
"Yeah," Dan agreed and I was twirling my hair in my
fingers without realizing it, and then I did realize it and that sorta got me
moving.
"I better go inside," I said. "My mom's
probably freaking out."
"Just tell her it's my fault," Dan said. "Are
you going to be in trouble?"
"No," I scrunched up my nose the way I do,
"it's not late or anything, but I usually call if I'm not coming home right
after school. She worries."
"Yeah, mom's do that," Dan agreed. "I can walk
you to the door, if you want."
"Nah, it's cool," I said, getting out of his little
car and I hesitated. "Hey, um, Dan? Thanks for being so nice to me,
okay?"
"Well…" he grinned, "…Yeah. That's my
mission, remember?"
"Yeah," I smiled and looked down because I was
remembering what he'd said. All of it.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Ashley," Dan said and I
just nodded and walked towards my house. "Hey!"
"What?" I turned around.
"You didn't give me your phone number," Dan said.
"Are you gonna remember it?" I laughed and he
nodded. "Six two two oh seven eight one."
"Got it," Dan smiled and I was walking backwards,
just grinning at him.
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," he said and we just looked at each other.
"Go now!" I laughed. "God!"
"Go in the house first," Dan said.
"Uh, okay…" I stuck out my tongue, "…I
will!"
"Who was that, dear?" my mom asked as I hurried
inside, slamming the door behind me with a laugh and I hadn't realized she was
watching us through the window.
"What?" I swallowed hard and felt my face burning.
"That boy? What were you two doing out there?" Mom
stared at me.
"Uh…Oh! Him?" I tried a weak smile. "That's
Dan, um…The new boy? Uh, you said make friends with him, right?"
"Oh," Mom had a curious look on her face, like a
confused smile and I knew that feeling well.
"I'm gonna go take a shower," I said, making my
escape and I wasn't sure why I felt so guilty, but I did. I felt like she'd
caught us making out or something, but all we'd been doing was…What?
Flirting.
That was the word that came to mind and I frowned at that.
Had I been flirting with the guy? When I teased Dan, was it just a guy having
fun with a friend, or something else? When I laughed, was I really giggling?
Twisting my fingers in my hair? Where had that come from? What else did I do
that I didn't even know about? What if I'd been giving Dan signals, like a girl
might give a boy she likes? Had I done that?
I was in a panic, I really was, and I didn't understand any
of it. I'd explained to Dan that I didn't want him touching me or kissing me.
That he wasn't my boyfriend. I'd explained everything and he’d understood. It
had to be okay now. Everything would go back to normal. We'd go to the party and
have fun, but nothing would happen and after that I'd be free. Wouldn't I?
It didn't feel like it and remembered that moment by the lake
and how he said that sometimes we don't know the reasons until after. I most
especially remembered how much I'd liked it, how the words seemed to make sense
even though they didn't. I remembered it because that was the moment when I
really thought that maybe, somehow, I could love him and admitting that brought
tears to my eyes.
That was when my life changed. Not with that first kiss. Not
with the punch to Billy's nose. But sitting by the lake and hearing Dan tell me
that sometimes reasons just didn't matter. That looking for reasons and making
excuses didn't always work. Sometimes, he'd meant, you have to listen to the
voice in your heart and ignore the voice in your head. That's what Dan was doing
and I was afraid of it, just like I was afraid of him when I stopped to think
about what we were doing. But when I didn't think about it…
I closed my eyes in the shower and I knew that when I hadn't
thought about it at all, that's when I hadn't been afraid. I'd been completely
myself with Dan on the ride home, maybe for the first time in my life. I'd
talked and giggled and flirted and felt those good feelings all warm in my
tummy. I'd wanted that ride to go on forever and was it wrong to feel like that?
My head said yes, but my heart didn't know.
That was as close as I could get to the truth right then,
telling myself that I just didn't know.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
end of 01 Read Part 2