Rebecca stood, leaning against the counter in jeans too tight for a girl her age, eating cereal for supper when her mother got home. The girl looked up at her mother without saying hello; she took one last spoonful, and tossed the bowl onto the pile of dishes already in the sink.

Her mother yanked the silk scarf from her neck and stuffed it into the pocket of her coat. She wrinkled her nose at the smell. What was the smell? She didn’t even know, but the place smelled stale.

“Didn’t do the dishes again, I see.”

This was why Rebecca had wanted to flee to her room the moment her mother walked in the door—nagging. She turned to leave but her mother stopped her.

“Wait. We have to talk.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes, but she stopped nevertheless. She released a heavy sigh, letting her mother know she had more important things to do. She didn’t, but she wanted it to seem so.

“Come sit down.”

Her mother pulled out two chairs and sat in one. Rebecca leaned against the counter again, crossing her arms.

“What is it?”

“Come sit down.”

“No.”

“It’s important, Rebecca.”

“I doubt I’m gonna like it. I’m staying right here.”

“Fine.”

Her mother got up as well, went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. There were no cups in the cupboard, there never were, but she bumped Rebecca aside to look anyway.

“Why are there never any cups washed?”

“Why are there never any groceries in the cupboard?”

“I buy groceries every week. It’s not my fault you go through them in two days.”

“You buy two or three days worth of food every two weeks, and then I’m living off of cereal the rest of the time. If you were home once in a while, you’d know that.”

“Rinse your bowl out when you’re done with it. This whole place stinks like sour milk.”

“Way to dodge the issue.”

“I’m not dodging anything. We’ve had this same fight for years. I buy a hundred dollars’ worth of groceries every two weeks. That should be plenty. If you and your friends eat it all in two days that’s your problem. But don’t accuse me of not buying groceries. I have receipts.”

“You buy groceries, yeah. I never said you didn’t. I said you buy only two or three days worth of food. The rest is your cartons of cigarettes and your make-up and your $25 shampoo, and your booze. You expect me to eat shampoo?”

“You couldn’t even if you wanted to. There are never any dishes done around here.”

Rebecca turned to leave again.

“Wait! Come back here. I have to talk to you.”

The girl stopped again.

“What?”

“I’ve got a new job. We’re moving.”

Rebecca’s face dissolved into astonished rage.

“What!?”

“I was offered a promotion and I took it. But we have to move.”

“Move! Move where?”

“It’s only a few hours away. I-”

“A whole new city! No!”

“Rebecca, opportunities like this don’t-”

“I can’t believe you would do this without even asking me!”

“This new job pays almost twice as much, and I get a company car to boot. So unless you’re planning on taking a couple of after school jobs, you’re just going to half to deal with it.”

“But I have friends here! I have a life! Don’t you understand that? Don’t you care?”

“You can email them. I’ll buy you a computer.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!”

“Doing what to you? Trying to give you a better life?”

“You’re ruining my life!”

“Oh, stop being so dramatic. You’ll be fine! Fuck, Rebecca. I thought you’d be happy for me, for us. We finally have a chance to-”

“You’re just doing this for yourself and you know it!”

“That’s not true! I’m doing this for both of us.”

“You didn’t even ask me! How could this be for both of us? I don’t have any say at all in this. You’re such a bitch!”

Her mother’s face went paler. Her eyes closed to slits. Her frown tightened to a sneer.

“I wish you could understand how hard it is to work and work and work and have nothing to show for it. All you care about is your damn friends. You can make new friends, but I’ll never find another job this good in a million years. But of course you don’t care about that! All you care about is yourself!”

Her mother pulled a cigarette from her purse and lit it, glaring sideways at Rebecca with accusation in her eyes.

“I was trying to quit, also for you, but fuck it. You don’t appreciate anything I do anyway. All you do is aggravate me.”

“So now it’s my fault you’re an addict!”

“I smoke. I am not a fucking addict. You have no idea what real stress is. None at all! I wish I had your fuckin’ life for one day. You’d frickin’ snap if you ever actually had to do any real work, face real stress, like I do every day. Then you’d know. Then you’d understand.”

Cigarette smoke filled the room. Rebecca coughed, waving her hand angrily. Her eyes were burning. She wanted to leap at her mom and tear her hair out. A hot angry silence filled the room.

“I wish dad were here. He’d understand.”

“Ah, don’t give me that shit again, Rebecca! Your dad fucked off and left us for that little whore of a girlfriend, remember? Now it’s all on me. I’ve got to feed us and keep a roof over our heads. Me! I’m doing this all alone, and you’d better show me some respect or you can damn well go live with him for all I care! His girlfriend’s about your age anyway, right? You’d get along great with her.”

Rebecca returned her mother sneer but didn’t reply. What her mother didn’t know was that Rebecca knew the truth about her father’s affair. Her dad had gotten drunk one night and cried his eyes out to her about it. He said it had been her mother who had cheated first. She’d had at least a couple of guys going on the side for months before he’d finally found out about them. Their romantic life had slowly dwindled down to nothing and finally her dad had left them to be with a woman who really appreciated him. She was actually 21, not 14 as her mother had accused.

Rebecca had never told her mother she knew the whole truth behind it. She enjoyed watching her mother maintain her self-righteous martyr façade. It made her look ridiculously hypocritical. Every time she stood there demanding respect, Rebecca thought back to the broken-hearted look on her dad’s face. He had really loved this lying little slut, and it had killed him to finally end it once and for all. He didn’t want to hurt Rebecca with the whole ugly truth behind it, so he just quietly left and let his wife make up whatever lies she wanted to about him. Rebecca had found out the truth however, and it hurt her even more to think that her father was the real martyr in this situation, and she had been too blinded by her mother’s lies to see it.

Now she would be moving to an entirely different city, and she wouldn’t even see her dad anymore, never mind her friends.

“You didn’t even ask me…”

Becca was coming to tears now. Everything she knew, her whole world, was unravelling. She would lose her friends, her school, her whole life. The thing that choked her up though was that her dad didn’t even have a car. She would never see him.

“What's the matter, Becca? Come on, it’s not that bad.”

“You don’t even care…”

“Why should I? You don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about me! Spoiled little bitch!”

Her mother grabbed her coat and stomped out again, slamming the door behind her. Becca snarled with rage, scooped up a coffee cup from the counter and hurled it at the wall. It shattered into a million pieces. She screamed and kicked a chair over as she dashed for her bedroom window.

“Fucking whore!”

But her cry was drowned out by the roaring of her mother’s engine as she squealed away down the street. Becca knew where she was going. She knew she wouldn’t be back until dawn, maybe even early the next afternoon, depending on how many times her man-of-the-week felt like fucking her.

She collapsed on her bed, sobbing uncontrollably. Her mind wandered through all the mess of sorrows her life was in. She’d lost everything—all because of her two-bit slut of a mother. She decided she hated her once again and flew into a fresh wave of sobbing.

Finally she was all cried-out. Her cheeks ached, and her throat hurt. Her eyes were blurry and she just laid on her bed feeling like the room was spinning, even though it wasn’t. Her body was doing weird hormonal things once again, and she felt all gooey and gushy inside. She hated how her body seemed to have a mind of its own these days. She hated her life in general.

That’s when she noticed her Pony Princess poster on the wall. It was a bright pink and sparkly thing with a winged pony prancing through a field of flowers. It was so five-years-ago. She was almost 15 for god’s sake! Why was it still on her goddamn wall? She suddenly loathed it. She lurched up off of her bed and tore it down with one swift motion. She crumpled it in her fists, twisted it and ripped at the tangled mess of poster paper until it was a shredded pile. She completely destroyed it, more enraged at the naïve little girl she had been, than the poster itself. When she had first put this poster up she’d still believed in her mother’s goodness, and her dad’s steadfastness, and in the security of her future in a happy little home. Now it was all destroyed and she resented herself for hanging onto the memory of that happiness long after it had been destroyed by reality. Her mother had become the town bicycle, sleeping with a different guy every week, and her father had run off with a woman young enough to be her sister. Rebecca hated them both in different ways. She hated what they had done to her. She felt nothing but anger and bitterness. She felt all alone.

At least she wouldn’t have these dumb fucking ponies anymore, smiling cheerfully down at her, lying to her about what life is really all about. Fuck the stupid goddamn Pony Princess. Fuck everything!

Then the phone rang.

“Becca, it’s Shelly. Are you busy tonight?”

Shelly sounded very excited. Rebecca sat forward eagerly.

“Not at all, actually. I was hoping something would come up.”

“Oh my god, are you crying?”

“No. It was just a fight with my mom, as usual. She left again.”

“Fuckin’ bitch.”

“So what’s up?”

“Stacy and I met some guys down at the mall and they want to party with us tonight. Oh my god! They are soooo fine! You would not believe it!”

“Party with us? Where? How?”

“That’s what we gotta figure out. We’ve just got to get with these guys. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! They are hot!

“Okay! I get the picture. What are there names? Where’d you meet them?”

“Well there’s Daniel, he’s so your type! There’s Lex, who Stacy likes, and Sammy who seems to like me as much as I like him. We were walking past the yogurt place there in the food court, and they were all ‘Hey there!’ and we were like ‘Hi!’ and Sammy goes ‘You got a smoke, sweet thing?’ and I was like so dying for him like right away. All of the sudden we were sitting there with them and making plans to get together tonight. Oh my god! I’m still shaking.”

“Daniel, huh? What’s he like?”

“I can’t even describe him! He’s so fine! Just trust me, you’ll die when you meet him. Even Stacy was talking about jumping their bones. Can you believe it?”

Rebecca looked down at a shredded piece of the Pony Princess’ tail laying there on her bed.

“Maybe we should.”

“Should what?”

“Jump their bones.”

“Are you serious?”

“If they’re as hot as you say they are, I would, I think.”

It wasn’t excitement burning in her guts though. It was anger mostly, and that made Rebecca feel a little scared.

Shelly was quiet for a moment, only a moment, thinking.

“So would I. Totally! In a minute! No questions asked.”

Rebecca felt weird, being so eager to go all the way with some guy she hadn’t even met. It felt strange. Thus far she’d only ever burst into fits of giggling when her and her friends discussed the concept of going all the way. Suddenly she was angry inside and eager to let any good-looking guy out there just pump it in and make all her problems go away. It felt strange and different, but different was good right then. Very good.

And Shelly was agreeing with her? What kind of little sluts were they? Nothing would come of it of course. Her, Stacy, and Shelly had partied with guys many times before, and when the guys started trying to get them to go all the way, they’d always chickened out, every single time.

Something was different this time though. Even Stacy was in on it. That was startling. Stacy was usually the sensible one.

“If they’re hot as you say, it’ll be awesome! We might as well lose it to hot guys right? It’s gotta happen sometime.”

“Yeah. Totally! They’re so fine you could just cream in your pants.”

“You sound so excited. Are you actually thinking of going all the way this time, Shelly?”

“I don’t know. Are you?”

“I’d have to see them first, but if they’re hot, then yeah. I’m gonna do it.”

“They’re totally hot. You’ll just die.”

“So bye-bye virginity then,” and Rebecca giggled again.

“For real?”

“Just try and stop me.”

“For sure?”

“Yeah. These guys are already laid and they don’t even know it yet. You gonna do it too? Come on, let’s both lose it together. That’ll be awesome, Shell!”

“I will if you will.”

There was doubt in Shelly’s voice, and that brought Rebecca back to reality again, reminding her of her own doubts. She sighed.

“This is what we always say though, right? Face it—we’re all still just a bunch of scared little girls.”

Shelly agreed with a nervous giggle.

“Remember that blood on Sharon’s sheets? That was scary.”

Sharon was Stacy’s older sister. She’d lost it to a boy the year before and the three of them found her sheets in the laundry hamper in her closet, stained with a gigantic V-shaped blob of red. The image had haunted them all for the past year and so far, had kept them all as chaste as three sexually curious young girls could be.

“She says it didn’t hurt that bad…”

“Stacy said she never heard a peep from there…”

“But all that blood…”

“Yeah…”

But Becca lifted a shredded strip of poster that depicted the crumpled remains of one winking Pony Princess eye. Was she still a scared little girl? The anger returned when she thought of her mother and the move, and anger has a way of making one braver than they perhaps ought to be.

“Well, I don’t know about you,” she told Shelly. “But I feel like going nuts tonight. I’m not gonna be around next month anyway so why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I’ll get a bad reputation or anything.”

“What!? What are you talking about!?”

“Mom got some new job. We’re moving to a whole other city.”

“Oh my god! No, Becca! You’re kidding!?”

“I wish I was.”

“Man your mom’s a bitch! I can’t believe it.”

“Tell me about it.”

There was a moment of silence. Rebecca began to want a cigarette of her own.

“So you think you might really go all the way tonight, Becca?” Shelly asked. Rebecca had already answered this, but Shelly still seemed unsure, and more than a little sad now, so she answered again.

“Maybe. I mean, I don’t know. Probably, if they’re as yummy as you say they are.”

“They are. Trust me.”

“Then I suppose I really might go for it, I guess. What have I got to lose?”

“Just your cherry.”

There was another nervous laugh, and a V-shaped blob of red oozed down a sheet in Rebecca’s mind.

“Who fuckin’ cares? It’s gotta happen sometime. We should just quit being prissy little bitches and get on with our lives.”

Though she spoke confidently, she wasn’t entirely sure she really would do it. It did feel good to actually be in control of something for once though.

“Well if you do it, then I will too. Deal?” Shelly said.

“Sure.”

Shelly sighed heavily. Rebecca picked up on her nervousness. She knew Shelly really would do it, if she did it. Shelly was just that type of girl—a follower. If Rebecca got her vagina split in half with a big huge dick, Shelly would too, gritting her teeth and screaming through tears, just so she wouldn’t feel left out. Shelly smoked, because Rebecca smoked. Shelly drank the occasional stolen shot of booze because Rebecca did first. Shelly felt up a guy’s dick, even though she didn’t really want to, because Rebecca had the night before, and told her all about it:

“It was as big as a banana. You shoulda seen it. And it kept getting hotter the more I touched it. Then Stace was all banging on the door and that was it for him. Poor guy.”

And Shelly, the next night when a guy led her into a bedroom alone, let him take out his dick and she felt it up for herself. Dale’s wasn’t as big as a banana, but it was a dick.

“He was all shaking and shit, trying to get on top of me. I was scared he would rape me or something. Oh my god, it was so awesome!”

Shelly was a follower. If Rebecca went all the way with a guy that night, she would too.

The two girls chit-chatted for a few more minutes and finally they decided Stacy and Shelly and the three guys should just come over to Becca’s house. Her mom wasn’t going to be home anyway. It was agreed and they hung up.

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