NAME:  Montgomery "Scotty" Scott.  Yes, I AM a stereotype.  Between meself and "Bones" in Sickbay, 'tis a miracle that no one calls Lt. Uhura "Sparks!" (tho she can certainly strike some!)

SEX:  I wear th' pants, do I not?  Except fra special occasions, then its my manly kilt.

HOME:  If by that where do I spend the most of my time, 'tis stuffed up a Jefferies Tube where th'sun disnae shine.

HEIGHT:  Ah have noo idea.  It comes and gaes, whut wi'me compressin' meself intae some bloody tight spot t'keep the ship from fashin' apart in battle.  Or Sulu's mad-dog steering.  Blost th'mon.

EYES:  I am a *Highlander* there be no other color but the dark brown o' Oatmeal Stout, or sweet heather honey.  Puir souls like McCoy, were probably the issue of some bloomin' Viking rapist.

HAIR:  The dark malt o' a blended whiskey in an oaken cask.

WHAT IS YOUUR FAVORITE TRIVID SHOW?  "Can You Name This Object?"  They have lots of gude prizes.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Mouse pa--Och, That was last week's question.  Hmn.  Lad, or lassie, We have nothing like that now.

FAVORITE MAGAZINE:  "IMPERIAL TECHNICAL JOURNAL"

FAVORITE SMELL:  'tis a tie between a new can o' mechanical lubricant and Mira Romaine.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Realizing that when one is in orbit over a thunderin' planet of dilithium-wielding pacifists, Dr. McCoy might actually have something about the inadvisability o'transporters.

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD:  Dancin' with Mira on Burns' Night.  I didn't even have tae kill anyone to ask her out.

THINGS TO DO ON WEEKENDS:  Read technical journals, get drunk.  Nae always in that order.  Some o' those Deltan physics make better sense when I'm not working with full thrusters.

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK:  Disna matter.  I like Industrial Rock.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING?  How soon can I get drunk?

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?  Seeing as how I'm nearly always wedged tight as can be in a Tube or crawlspace, desperately effecting repairs or the latest Miracle Gadget that might just save our lives while Sulu sends us skippin' across Black Holes, across Klingon warfleets and asteroid belts, I'm usually not even aware of motion.  I cannae MOVE!

ROLLER COASTERS DEADLY OR EXCITING?  No matter how I answer that, it will be seen as insulting.

PEN OR PENCIL?  I think I use those for chopsticks anyway.

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE COMM?  Depends.  Am I stuck in a bleedin' Jefferies Tube again??

FAVORITE FOODS:  Neeps and tatties.  A stuffed crappit-head when the weather's cold.

DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?  Saint Andrew preserve us.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?  As long as 'tis in the line of duty for the Empire, never.  I hear Koloth has my picture on his personal target gallery surrounded by incinerated tribbles.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? (pause)  Stupid question. (withering tone)

CROUTONS OR BACON BITS?  Not with the chocolate or vanilla, I hope.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?  Just once I would like to, and have Sulu hang among the conduit wires.

SO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?  When Mira likes to sleep naked?  Och.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF PET, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  A tribble.  I'd wear it on my shoulder so I could feel somewhat protected when the Klingons show.

THUNDERSTORMS, COOL OR SCARY?  I'll just ferry that lil' question on tae McCoy.  He's the one in charge o'my therapy now.

IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?  Zephram Cochrane.  Nearly everyone else got to but not me.

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:  (disdainful silence).  All fine drinks have their own special place, lad.

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?  The crab.

EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?  We dinna have broccoli in Scotland.  We have "walking stick kale" that grows seven feet tall and the stems are laccquered and used as canes.  Ye'd have to be a beaver to eat them.

GUYS--WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GIRL FOR HER SHIRT?  The one time that worked, I needed an insulation pad to keep a circuit board from blowing up in my face.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  I have it.  I just want to be left alone!

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Nae thanks.  I'm on my way ta becoming a distinguished gray.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT AND WHERE WOULD IT BE?  The Tistle of Scotland, choking the Rose of England, right over my heart.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?  I am currently in love, lad.

DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING: I have never dreamed of a wedding.

WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?  A few weapons.  Sculptures collected here n'there.  My "empties" pyramid against the triscreen.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?  If I drank from it, it'd be half empty.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE?  If I'm going to buy a drink, Doolanee, it willna be a silly thing like that.

ARE YOU A RIGHTY, LEFTY, OR AMBIDEXTROUS?  Ambidextrous.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?  Is there another way to type?

IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? (snickers) a mowing scythe!  With hand-hammered Austrian steel blade and snath.  Perfectly balanced for that perfect sweep...poetry in motion...sorry.

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?  36 years of IMPERIAL TECHNICAL JOURNALS

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?  That's like a favorite drink, lad.

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?  I dinna have a car.  The Empire had me working as a vehicular mechanic when I was 9.  Oil in muh blood...

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?  I'm in her now, lad.

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?  Bear wrestling.

SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: McCoy is a wonderful physician and I am hoping he will dismiss me from the thunderstorm-transporter-trauma therapy sessions soon.  (crossing fingers)

OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO, WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?  The captain.  He never answers me.  And all I mail to him is desperate pleas for new parts.

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