HARLEY
&
MUTT
By
Waddie
Greywolf
Chapter
10
Running into
Spider bothered Mutt a little but not as bad as it did his
buddies. It seemed to bother Harley the most; although, for
the life of him Harley couldn’t figure out why. He knew he was
fond of Mutt, but he certainly wasn’t in love with him. Okay, he
conceded to himself, he did love his cowboy buddy like a good buddy;
like a close friend; like his brother. He wondered at their
talent for roping
together, but rationalized it was because they communicated on an
unspoken
level so well. Harley never had a buddy he could look at and know
what the hell he was thinking and vice versa.
Harley would see
Mutt get a smirk on his face from time to time and knew damn well he
read his mind. Then there was
Waddie, Zane, and Mutt’s family, the Crenshaws and the Franzs, whom
Harley couldn’t help love. The three younger men, C.W. and
the twins, idolized him. He had no doubt in his heart
he loved them. He won their love in a short
period of time. Randy Crenshaw couldn’t do enough for him and
Sarah Crenshaw treated him like another one of her boys.
Harley never had
much of a family when he was growing up, and he found himself
welcomed into four of the most devoted families he could imagine.
He found the Bandera faction and the Chapel Creek contingent a unique
and wonderful experience. When they got together you could feel
the love flow between them. It literally spilled over and onto
those whom they invited and chose to share their lives. Harley
never experienced families like these before and wallowed in their
glow. He
allowed himself to be overcome by the power of their unconditional love
and
everyone’s willingness to include him.
Harley never felt the gentle
ebb and flow of love so well defined or as strong as that which flowed
back and forth between the families. He began to
realize where the personal strength of Waddie and Mutt’s love came from
which
they exhibited to anyone who would trust them enough to receive
it.
It was neither complicated nor complex. It was so basic and
unincumbered a child could understand it. If they offered their
love it
was real and unconditional. There were no hidden motives,
agendas, or
strings attached. To them their very joy of life was simply being
able to love and be loved in return.
It suddenly
struck him why his buddy Mutt was having such a difficult time.
Mutt wanted nothing more than to be able to love people like he was
taught most of his life, and here he was, a horribly
disfigured man few took the time to even get to know let alone
accept or give some modicum of love. All this potential
love within Mutt was not finding an outlet. It seemed to be
building up inside of him like a smoldering volcano and being allowed
to spoil
because no one
recognized his ability to love. They couldn’t see past his
disfigured face. Yet, here was a
man, Spider, who seemed to be slowly coming around to offer Mutt
some love. His purpose was anybody’s guess, or perhaps
he
didn’t have a method behind his madness. His crazy side covered
all the bases; on the other hand, maybe he was truly
becoming
fond of Mutt. It's difficult to tell with a sociopath. What
they strive for or consider one day may not be the same tomorrow.
Attitudes and ideals are decided by a loose caucus of bits and pieces
from warring internal political factions who all hate each other and
come together only to reach a temporary concenses, at best, and amplify
their hatred onto anyone who disagrees with them, stands up to them, or
might present a threat to their nefarious exercises.
Harley could tell Mutt was beginning to respond,
but he hoped his buddy wouldn’t become blinded to the fact Spider was a
bad
man. Harley’s opinion
of Spider was not a very good one, with good reason. Over the
years he experienced many encounters with Spider and his gang but
always came out on top; a fact,
which didn’t endear him to Spider very much. He asked himself if
it
truly was his fear for his buddy or was he being selfish knowing Mutt’s
unconditional love for him was redirected when Mutt was running with
Spider. Harley was not an
insensitive man. He knew and understoods Mutt’s deep wellspring
of
unconditional
love. Harley knew it was there for him
anytime he needed. Yet, he wondered if the naivete, the
childlike quality, that is many times the basis for unconditional love
would prove fatal for his friend where Spider was concerned. The
deepest of wells will eventually run dry. Even the the engines
that fuel our sun will one day quiet and dim.
Harley was a man
who did not occupy himself with pipedreams and tried his utmost to be
honest with
his inner person. He didn’t want to pursue that line of
introspection because he knew without a doubt what the answer would
be. God help him, he didn’t want to admit it, but the only
term that kept yelling at him in his mind was,
“jealousy.” But why? Was he falling in love with
Mutt? He didn’t think so. He had to admit he loved
Mutt’s unselfish way and his devotion to him and Janice, but he never
considered he loved Mutt more than just a good buddy.
And, yet,
during the
last few weeks, being with Mutt and his family was one
of the most remarkably wonderful times of his life. He couldn’t
remember a time when he was happier, felt more alive, felt more
appreciated and wanted than the time he spent with Mutt and Waddie’s
families. He was made to feel like he belonged, but he knew
part of that belonging was as Mutt's buddy. He couldn’t
belong without his
buddy. Then the big question hit him. Was he willing to
give up
Janice and his straight life for Mutt and the comfort of his extended
family?
At first
thought, he dismissed it completely. He was a straight man and he
loved Janice. . . in a way. No, no! Yes, he loved her
even though she was a little trashy; okay, a lot trashy, but he
overlooked it. She whined a lot, and was noticeably
slow on the uptake. He couldn’t imagine himself without her or
some other broad on the back of his bike. Was that what he
thought of Janice, just another broad? A convenient piece of
ass? He had to admit, if a
better looking woman came along who didn’t give him any shit, Janice
would quite possibly be relegated to the ‘affairs to remember’ file.
As it was he
couldn’t really claim to be missing her very much. To be
honest, he didn’t think about her at all, until he began to think about
him and Mutt. Then, why didn’t he
miss Janice?
Harley admitted to himself he was more comfortable and
content riding with Mutt and his family than he was with Janice and her
constant whining. He just couldn’t see himself giving up his
straight image and riding only with Mutt or any man for that
matter. Besides, a decision to
ride with Mutt on a more permanent basis would be looked upon by his
fellow bikers as jumping the fence. Harley wasn’t
the kind of man who could do that to a buddy under false
pretenses, especially one he cared about as much as Mutt. He just
couldn’t see it happening to
him, although
he knew none of the men he rode with and cared about would think one
iota
less of him. They would simply give him a big hug, a peck on his
cheek, and wish him and Mutt all the happiness in the world. If
they
didn’t give a shit, why should he? It just wasn’t that
simple. It certainly wasn't easy for Harley. He wasn’t a
gay man, damn it! He never wanted to
wear that label. It never entered his mind he didn't have to wear
any label no matter how he chose to live his life.
He didn’t care
about those who were either born to become subservient to other men or
those who made a choice to be in a long term relationship with another
man no matter how they chose to define it. Hell, some of the men
he knew to be
straight for years who took male
slaves were his best buddies and were the first ones to cover his back
in a fight. He didn’t care about their druthers. Harley
felt he owed them his respect as a fellow biker and human. He had
to admit to himself, he
loved to
have Mutt suck his dick and take care of him. When they rode
together,
Mutt was constantly seeing to his comfort and his needs. Harley
never had to ask. Mutt was always right there. He wasn’t
pushy, smothering, or controlling; he was just comfortable.
Janice never did
that for him and he always had to adjust himself for her needs as a
woman. Harley wasn't a selfish man and considered one thing
balanced the other for the comfort he received in return--- when he got
it; however, he sometime thought the boundries of considerations a
woman insisted they needed became blurred and crossed over into the
manipulative zone. He wondered if it wasn't something every
woman, or at least the ones he rode on his bike, felt was their
paticular birthright. There always seemed to be one crisis after
another.
With his cowboy buddy, Cassidy Crenshaw, Harley never had to worry
about that sort of thing. Things went smoothly. Life was
good. Harley was comfortable. Mutt treated Harley like a
king, the
most important person in his life, or dare Harley think it,
like a master. Harley told
himself he just wasn’t that way, and yet, his heart yearned for
the love and comfort which surrounded him being included in Waddie and
Mutt’s greater families. He desperately wanted it for his
own. Harley saw the peace he felt around these folks and Cassidy
Crenshaw as a doorway to his personal bliss; the magic ring on the
merry-go-round of life few have a chance to grab; however, there
was a huge bear standing in the way guarding the gold ring with a big
pink neon sign hanging around his neck flashing one word writ big,
'GAY.'
Harley had to
admit to himself, the life he saw these folks living was almost as
strong a
draw for him as an addictive drug might be. He also found he was
becoming
addicted to his comfortable situation with Mutt. He didn’t care
what the man looked like. He knew Mutt’s soul; maybe, better than
any of his friends and maybe even better than Mutt’s family since
he returned from Nam. The comfort, while seductive, was beginning
to bother him.
But, love can’t
be equated to comfort or addiction, can it? You wear a
comfortable old pair of
boots, but you don’t love them. . . do you? Does a junkie love
the
monkey on his back? Ah,
well, Christmas
was almost upon them and after that he’d be on his way, pick up Janice,
and
return to riding with Beryl’s family. After his holiday away from
her, maybe it would be better for him, things would go more smoothly,
and he could more readily accept
his relationship with Janice. In the meantime, he
planned to
wallow in the love and comfort he was being so freely offered.
* * * * * * *
There were hugs
and a few tears when Waddie and Zane took off to return to Chapel
Creek. They were going to stop by Cowboy’s home in Mason and
spend a
couple of days with his dad and family. They would see the rest
of the family back in Chapel Creek for Christmas. Both families
were going this year and neighbors would be looking after their
ranches. C.W. told Waddie he loved him and to give his brother
Gip a hug and a kiss for him. After they left
Harley went out to help Randy and several of the boys with something,
but Mutt stayed behind to talk with his mom. They had a cup of coffee
and Mutt ate another piece of his Mother’s wonderful German
chocolate cake. They didn’t talk too much except Cass told his
mom he didn’t feel like he fit in at home anymore. That broke
Sarah’s
heart, and she started to cry. Cassidy realized he should’ve
known
better
than to be so brutally honest with his mother.
“Gee, Mom, I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” Cass said quietly
with
remorse.
“I know,
Cass. It’s just. . . ” she shook her head and continued to cry
into her apron.
“I mean, I just
don’t seem to fit in anywhere, Mom. It’s not just here.
It’s everywhere I go. That’s why I can’t seem to stay in any one
place for very long. Then I have to be up and running. I
don’t
even know what I’m running from. I just feel so defeated and
worthless,” Cass said and paused for a minute. He got up from the
table,
“Damn, it seems like I mess up everything, Mom. The last thing I
wanted was
to hurt you or dad. It's why I didn't come around until now,” he
said and walked off into the living room to
get away from his mother.
Sarah finished
what she was doing in the kitchen and took the coffee cups and plate to
the sink. She washed them and did a couple of things to get ready
for dinner. She decided to lie down for a minute in her and
Randy’s bedroom and have herself a good cry. As she passed she
noticed the door to Cass and JR’s room was ajar. It was open just
enough she could see her boy sitting on JR’s bed slumped over in
convulsions of sobs. She stood for a moment and wondered if she
should go in to comfort him. She decided against it.
Let him get it out. He needed this time to grieve. She went
to her room closed the door and had herself a good cry.
Mutt didn’t know
why he decided to go into his old room, but it was always a sanctuary
for him when he was a kid. If he or JR were in their room and
their door was closed, they knew they wouldn’t be disturbed.
Randy
Crenshaw set down rules for his boys. Everyone needed a place
they
could go to get away from everyone else. They became sacred rules
to the boys. You didn’t disturb your brothers if their door was
closed. Most times the boys left their doors open for all to come
and go as they pleased, but once in a while they needed their privacy.
His hand shook
as he fished the key from his pocket and placed it in the lock.
He was surprised the lock turned so easily. He opened the door
and was in his old room. The shades were pulled down, but there
was plenty of light coming through. He walked over and raised one
of the shades about halfway. He set on his brother’s bed next to
the window and watched the dust particles move and play about in the
still air of the room. ‘Dust soldiers’ he called them.
There were thousands of them slowly marching toward some unforseen
battle. He moved his hand to watch a small current of air disturb
their ordered
movement.
‘Is all of life
like this?’ he wondered to himself, ‘Are we but small particles in a
universe
so big we can't grasp the reality of its size? The star
Betelgeuse, the eighth brightest star in our night sky, the big red
star just above the belt of Orion, is larger than the entire orbit of
Jupiter around our tiny star. Cassidy was watching one tiny speck
of dust
which could be swept away in the blink of an eye at the capricious whim
of
some
unknown, uncaring entity; some unseen cosmic force? What if
these particles were alive, and I have no concept of their
existence? What if there are intelligent beings living on that
speck? How presumptuous and uncaring of me to change their
weather with a
wave of my hand. Am I more than they? I think not. I
am less than the smallest of them. I think, therefore I am
nothing. Micro-Chanute unto
myself. Boundless in the deep, because I am he who fills and
contemplates infinitude; nor vacuous the space between. So
unimaginably small I
have no reason of a greater ethos. No more than a micro-dot of
information on some cosmic explorer's report to a life form a million
times larger.
The smells and
feel of his old room closed in on him like an implosion. He felt
his body start to heave in convulsions of heart-wrenching sobs.
He smelled and
felt his brother all around him as if he entered his tomb to find
all the trapping of burial rites but nothing of the boy; nothing
of the man who was his beloved flesh and blood brother; whose body
he held close to him so many moonlit nights; sill warm, full nerved,
vibrating his own frequency, his own resonance of joy, hope, and
delight
in being
alive. JR seemed to love his life ever since the spark of his
creation moved from the very soul of their beloved dad into their
equally beloved mother and conjoined into one. Their was none
like him.
There never will be another. His joy, his love, his passion, his
talents will never pass this way again. The pride of a generation
gone, snuffed out in the blink of an eye; all in the name of
politics and corporate greed. Old fat men with too much money and
equally greedy selfserving politicians never die on
a battlefield. They wash the blood from each others hands with
homilies and platitudes and call the slaughter of young men as a noble
sacrifice and a just cause for their deaths.
Cass lay back
across the bed and continued sobbing. This time more quietly
least he disturb his already distraught mother. Weird things
come to the mind of a grieving person. ‘What a waste of a good
room,’ he thought as his eyes continued to give forth with tears.
‘There is nothing in this room of the two boys, the two men who left
several years ago to go to war for their country. One
or more of my brothers could be using this room. It’s time the
dead buried the dead,’ Cass thought. He wept some more until his
tears would no
long come. There was nothing left within him but a painful
emptiness. He drifted
off to a dream like sleep and his brother
came to him. “JR?” he spoke
to his brother.
“It’s me,
Cass. You need me so I came to you, and you’re right, it is a
waste,” JR agreed.
“I didn’t mean
it like it that, JR. Awh, listen to me, I done fucked up our
mother’s day by saying something stupid, and I sure don’t want to chase
you away with my poor choice of words, bubba,” he replied.
“Whoa,
Hoss! Easy there, big fellow. I grew up with you,
remember? I know you. I’m your big, bro. You be
talk’n with
your number one fan here, Cass. You got one of the biggest damn
hearts I ever knew. I couldn’t help love you. You were
so easy to love, Cass. You’re still easy to love, cowboy.
Don’t never forget it. You ain’t lost it. What’s that old
saying, ‘Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.’
You been though a lot, Cass, but you’re right, it is a waste of
space to not turn this room back into a usable space for our
family. We
don’t need it no more. You'll never come back here to live.
You'll always be welcome to stay as long as you like, but this ain't
your home no more. You gotta' go on with your life and you can't
run back to the past.
"I don't exist here no more, brother.
Make a difference, Cass. Get up off your ass, go out to the
old barn, look in the loft in the far right-hand corner and there’s an
old empty humpback trunk what belonged to some folks who owned the
ranch before mom and dad bought it. No one’s seen it in
years. I doubt mom or dad even remember it’s there. Put
your and my stuff in it and store it in the barn. Clean up the
room, air it out, burn some incense in here, and open it up to
life. Later, if you want to look in the old trunk and remember
you
can, but not until you’re ready. You won’t be for a good while
yet.
"You gotta' do the same with your life, brother. If you feel
dead
to this life you gotta' start anew. Just don’t bury those who
love you and have been your main support until now. They don’t
deserve that, Cass. Make the effort, brother. Let them know
you
care. I can’t tell you all I know, Cass, but you’re going to go
through some pretty rough times, and if you ain’t strong you’ll
perish. That would devastate mom and dad far worse than your
grief. You have to make up your mind to make your life better,
and the minute you do, it will start to get better.”
“I don’t know if
I can make it, brother,” Cass spoke softly to JR.
“Of course you
can. There’s folks out there living with a lot less going for
them than
you got, Cass. You just have to stop feeling sorry for
yourself and latch on to some happiness. I don’t mean to sound
cruel. . . well, Hell, Cass. . . . y'ain't dumb. You know what I
mean,”
JR said.
“Yeah, I do,
bro. Thanks for coming to me. I’m gonna’ invite life back
and make this old room
live again for both of us. It will be a start. Then I’m
gonna’ try’n jump start my
life. I love you, bro,” Cass said quietly.
“You know I’ll
always love you, Cass. I’ll be here when you need me,” JR said.
Mutt woke up to
a knock on the door. It was his mom. “It’s about time
for supper, Cass. You might wanna’ wash up and get ready,” she
said softly.
“Be right there,
Mom. And, Mom. . .?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for
understanding. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you,
too, Cass, more than you’ll ever know,” she replied.
After supper
Mutt asked Harley if he’d help him for a few minutes. Dad
Crenshaw didn’t
have anything else for the men to do and declared the rest of the
afternoon free time. Harley was glad to give his buddy a
hand. Mutt led Harley to the very far corner of the old barn
where there was odds and ends of old furniture and small pieces of
ranch equipment which hadn’t been used in years. They moved
several things until Mutt spied what his brother told him he would
find, a big humpback trunk. “How did you
know this old trunk was up here, Mutt?” Harely asked.
“My brother come
to me in a dream this afternoon and told me it was here,” Mutt said as
a
matter of fact to his buddy. Harley laughed to himself but
somehow had no doubt what his friend was telling him was true.
“What do you
plan to do with it?” Harley asked as the two men lowered it from
the loft to the ground floor of the barn.
“Clean out me
and my brother’s old room; store the stuff in here any of us wants to
keep. It’s a big room, and it shouldn’t be closed up. My
brother and I ain’t gonna’ use it no more and my other brothers can
have more space. My little brother C.W.’s lived these last few
years in a corner of Toller and Shad’s room, and he becoming a young
man. He deserves more
space,” Mutt said.
The men loaded
the trunk on a large four wheel, all purpose utility cart they used at
the ranch for carrying anything from hay to machinery. They
wheeled it to the yard outside the house and Mutt got some old rags
from his mom to clean it. The inside wasn’t dirty but the
outside took several minutes to get all the settled dust and dirt
off. When the men finished they could see the trunk was at
one time an expensive and finely tooled piece of furniture. Sarah
Crenshaw came out of the house to see the progress.
“Where did you
find it, Cass? I’ve never seen it before, have you,
Randy?” she asked. Sarah looked at Randy who shrugged his
shoulders and shook
his head ‘no.’
“In the far
right corner of the old barn in the loft,” Cass replied.
“Did you know it
was up there? Sarah asked him.
“Not until JR
told me a while ago,” Cass said but didn’t elaborate. She
looked at him with wonder and looked at her husband again. He
smiled and shook his head as if to tell her, ‘We’ve witnessed stranger
things, dear.’
“What do you
plan to do with it?” his mother asked.
“Put away my
childhood and my love for my brother,” Cass said without nuance.
There was no tone of
insolence or remorse in Cass’s voice. It was a resigned statement
of what he was going to do, what he had to do, and he expected no
objections from
anyone. He broke through the barrier and was trying to tie
his past to his present by doing something good for his
brothers. He softly added to his mom and dad. “H'it just ain’t
right. That big room ain't being used for anything but stored
memories, when my little
brothers could have a room to themselves. It needs to be done,
Mom,
and I’m the one what has to do it. If I’m ever able to put Nam
and the loss of my brother to rest it has to start here. It has
to start today. It has to start now, with me. I have to
take the first step,” Cass said quietly.
Sarah looked at
Randy for his input. He was silent but slightly shook his head
for her not to interfere. He understood what his boy was
saying. He understood what he was trying to do. His heart
leaped to his throat. Maybe their son was becoming reborn to
life. Maybe his brother, JR, did come to him and told him to pick
himself up, dust himself off, and start living again. Harley almost
lost it he was so touched by what his buddy wanted to do. He saw
the look on Randy’s face as he quickly glanced at Harley and nodded his
thanks. Harley helped Mutt carry the trunk into the room.
Mutt opened the windows wide and raised the blinds to let the light and
air flow into the room. Mutt, Harley, Sarah, and Randy
spent the afternoon going through everything in the room. They
sorted
things of JR’s that his younger brothers could wear. There was
several pair of good Western boots Enid Justin gave J.R.
Cass found a couple of pair he outgrew he added to the pile.
High school and
college banners were taken down from the walls. Pictures of their
football heroes, Billy Bob and Earl D., Cass took down and packed
away. Rodeo trophies; ribbons won for 4-H competition; ribbons
for junior rodeo
championships; a dozen trophies or more, rodeo belt buckles,
Cass and JR won over the years were put into the trunk. Cass
decided to keep one of his favorite rodeo buckles to wear. There
were
scrapbooks of newspaper clippings of his
and his brother’s wins in team roping; pictures of Cass and
his brother winning numerous rodeos; pictures of
Waddie as a boy teaching his brothers to rope; all were
slowly, carefully and lovingly placed in the large trunk.
Cass was neatly packing up
his past and putting love away.
Cass was doing
fine until he ran across a small wooden carving of a blue pony JR
carved one year to surprise Cass for his birthday. Aside from
some much
needed clothes it was the only present he got for his birthday that
year. It was the finest present he ever got from anyone and he
knew the love his brother invested to make it for him. He could
tell his brother was so proud of it when Cass slowly unwrapped it from
the crudely wrapped box JR put it in. It sat in a
prominent place on Cassidy’s dresser for many years. He wouldn’t
allow anyone to touch it. He made it quite clear to his younger
brothers they may look and admire it all they liked, but it was not to
be touched or played with.
He clutched it
to his chest and Harley watched as his buddy’s legs went out from under
him and he fell to his knees in the pain and agony of sorrow. He
couldn’t help sobbing his heart out with the small statue clutched
tightly to his chest. Harley knelt with him and threw his arms
around Cass to comfort him. Sarah started crying and Randy
took her in his arms to comfort her. It was one of the most
powerful moments Harley ever experienced with anyone. Harley
didn’t try to get him to stop, he just held him until it passed.
Cass collected
himself and apologized to his mom, dad and Harley. They didn’t
say anything but his mother touched him gently with her hand in a
gentle understanding gesture. Cass wrapped the small
wooden
statue in a large rag and placed it lovingly on the top of the pile in
the trunk with care. Harley and Randy
helped Cass put the trunk onto the cart and haul it out to the old
barn. It took the three of them to lift it into the loft.
Cass didn’t put it back in the corner. He left it sitting next to
a strong beam and covered it with an old oil cloth his dad gave
him. It was safe. It was there if he needed it in the
future.
Cass did what he
set out to do. He set out to transform a tomb into a
sanctuary for life again. He accomplished his task. The men
walked back to the house and Cass continued to help his mom clean the
room and the small bathroom off the room. It was one of only two
rooms in the house which had its own bathroom. He asked his
mother for incense to burn in the room. She didn’t have any but
came up with something as good or better. She had some old
lavender and dried rose blooms she put into a pot of boiling water with
some cloves and fresh mint. It filled the room with a new
wonderful fragrance. The room was born again to life, and
it seemed as if it was glad for the opportunity.
In discussion
with their parents, it was decided among the boys Shad and Toller would
move into the newly renovated room. Being the two youngest men,
Randy originally offered it to Shad and C.W. Shad didn’t
want to give up rooming with his big brother and roping partner,
Toller, so they were willing to give it up to C.W. Randy stepped in
and suggested since it had its own bath it probably would alleviate
some of the bathroom congestion in the mornings if Shad and Toller were
to take it. They could leave their old room to C.W. by
himself. It was an agreeable arrangement for everyone. That
evening and
the next day everyone was moved. Shad, Toller, and C.W.
couldn’t have been more grateful to their big bother Cass. Shad
and C.W. got a lot of extra clothes and boots in fine condition they
could wear. There was even several things left over they thought
the twins might like. It made Cass feel good he made a positive
step
forward.
After
supper
that evening Randy was sitting alone in the living room talking to
Harley. The boys were excited about the move and going through
the
pile of clothes and boots Cass set aside for them. “I don’t want
to
ask something too personal, Randy, but what was the significance of
Cass’s small blue horse,” Harley asked.
“JR hand carved
it for Cass out of an old chunk of two by four. It wasn’t so
much the carving that was important to Cass as what it
represented. Once the boys got old enough I gave them each their
own pony to ride and train as they saw fit. Naturally, Cass and
JR were old enough they wanted to train their ponies as roping ponies
and methodically set out to accomplish it. The pony Cass
chose was a dark silver grey gelding with strange highlights.
Sometimes you’d almost swear it was blue in color. Well,
underneath its hair, its hide was a blueish color. Cass named him
‘Blue.’ They formed a strong bond and Blue learned faster than
any pony we had on the ranch at the time. He became a favorite
and a pet to everyone. He and Cass were inseparable.
"JR
accused him of loving that horse more than him. Cass would never
answer his challenge, but just grinned at his brother. About the time
Blue became a fully trained, workable, and a productive pony for Cass
he
developed
some damnable awful rare blood disease and started wasting away
almost overnight. There was nothing the veterinarians could do.
The
pony got so bad we could tell he was suffering. We knew we were
going
to have to put him down. I talked it over with Cass, and he
agreed. I got out my 30/30 and started for the barn. Cass
ran after me and told me he had to do it. Blue trusted him and he
had to do it for his friend. He couldn’t let anybody else do
it because he would feel like he backed out on his buddy when he needed
him the most.
"I thought about
it and remembered I taught each of my boys to appreciate and respect
the animals we work with everyday as our friends. I knew what
he was
going through. I taught my boys to respect and how to handle
guns. Cass knew and was fully capable of using my 30/30. I
gave him the gun and he went in and shot his pony. We usually don’t
bury animals on the ranch. We just call the rendering plant and
they
come for them, but under the circumstances, with Blue’s bad
blood and all, I didn’t feel like I wanted anyone exposed
to it. I took my tractor and dug a huge hole down by the low
water
dam near Gus’s place. The other boys helped me load Blue on a
four tire hay pull we have and carried him down to the hole. We
buried
him there. Cass was
naturally distraught and grieved that winter for his pony.
His
birthday’s in early summer. Cass wouldn’t even consider another
pony. I told him he could have his pick of any pony on the ranch,
or we’d buy him one if he saw a particular one what caught his
fancy. He thanked me and told me he’d think on it, but he never
did anything about it. He wouldn’t even ride another pony to rope
with his brother.
"JR was getting
pretty concerned for his brother. He tried to talk
with Cassidy many times and draw him out, but he just wouldn’t talk
about it. Finally, in
desperation, JR asked me and his ma what he could do about it. We
didn’t have no answer for him. Hell, we’d tried ever’ damn thing
we knew to do. I told his ma, I told JR that evening, and I’ll
tell you, I think Cassidy just feels deeper ‘bout things than most
folks. His brother Waddie’s the same damn way. S’why you
always see them two off by themselves talking quietly with each
other. They share the same hurt. We were pretty
bad off financially that year when his birthday come around, but Sarah
and I managed to get him some new clothes. Sarah made him a
beautiful
Western shirt he wore for years. But the highlight of his
birthday was that small wooden blue horse JR carved for him. It
was made out of some kind of pine but JR painted it with a
mixture of milk and Mrs. White’s blueing. It turned out to be
damn near the same color as Cass’s pony ‘Blue.’ Looked a lot like
‘em, too. It was a damn good resemblance and captured the spirit
of Blue perfectly.
"Cass was once
again devastated because it reminded him of his dead pony, but at the
same time, he was so thrilled with his present he wouldn’t let his big
brother go. Cass cried his heart out, but he was all over JR
hugging, kissing,
and
thanking him for his thoughtfulness. He told him it was the best
damn birthday gift he ever got and he loved his brother for making
it for him. He set it on his dresser and told his other
brothers to look, admire, but never touch it. If they accidently
broke it, it would be like killing his pony a second
time. Cass was
serious. His little
brothers believed him. That small statue embodied the spirit of
Cass’s
pony for them and everyone referred to it as ‘Blue.’ The very next
day Cass asked me about a buckskin mustang with black socks and a white
crescent moon on his forehead Gus was running on his place. It
was wild and never been saddled. I warned Cass against a mustang
as they could be strong willed and spirited. However, Gus already
gelded the pony and I reckoned it might not be too hard to
train. I traded Gus another pony he liked for it and gave it to
Cass for his birthday.”
“Is that the
pony Cass’s been riding while we been here? The one he calls
‘Mooney’?” Harley asked.
“Yeah, ‘at’s the
one. ‘At’s what he named him, ‘Mooney.’ He set in that
afternoon to gentle the pony and worked with it day in and day
out. When he finally decided it was time to put a saddle on
Mooney there weren’t no arguments. Cass could do anything with
Mooney, and he wouldn’t object. He climbed on Mooney for the
first time but Mooney didn’t have any problem with his buddy being on
his back. It was almost
like Cass has a sixth sense about horse flesh. I never noticed
until later he’ll stand for hours looking at the ponies and how they
interrelated with one another. After
watching a group of ponies for an hour or more, he's able to tell
you which one’s will make
good working ponies and the ones not to waste your time on. My
dad was the only other man I ever knew what could do that. I
guess
Cass got it from him.
"I’ve never seen
any pony learn as fast as Mooney. Cass only had to show Mooney
once how he wanted something done and Mooney nailed it ever’
time. Within three months Mooney was the best roping pony on the
ranch and
once again became a pet to all of us. Mooney was the best roping
pony
until Waddie come along and teamed up with an upstart pony no one else
could handle. He wasn’t dumb. He just had more life and
energy, more piss and vinegar in him than anyone wanted to put up
with. Waddie took one look at Whiskey and it was love at first
sight between the two of them. Still is to this day.
"Whiskey was the pony he wanted to ride. Waddie was going
on
eleven years old that summer, and I really didn’t think he could handle
a big pony like Whiskey. The first damn run with me out the gates
we set a new arena record. Waddie simply talked to Whiskey and
told him what he wanted him to do. That was it. He never
yelled at Whiskey, he just sort a’ talked quietly to him slightly above
a
whisper. I laughed to myself thinking that big pony weren’t
gonna’ listen to that kid for a minute. Boy, howdy, was I
wrong.
Well, you’ve seen what he can do with Whiskey,” Randy said and laughed
at
his own shortsightedness.
"Between Mooney
and Whiskey I don’t know who gets the most attention. They’ve
almost gone from ‘pet’ to ‘pest.’ The only difference is
the letter ‘s,’ ya’ know.” Randy adroitly tossed off and winked at
Harley. Harley laughed at Randy’s joke.
“Well, it taught me a big lesson,” continued Randy, “always let a man
pick his own pony. Nine times out of ten he’s gonna’ pick a pony
what will best suit his personality. If you don’t pick it for him
and it turns out to be a bad match he can’t come back’n blame you,
none," Randy said.
* * * * * * *
For the next
week and a half the family noticed a change in Cass. He was more
outgoing and showed his brothers more love than he had in a long
time. Harley even seemed to be able to relax more around him and
joke some. It was almost like he accepted his disfigurement and
knew those who loved him didn’t give a shit. They only saw their
son, their brother, or their buddy.
Both the Franz
and the Crenshaws spent the last three days getting ready for their
trip to Chapel Creek. They loved to go and spend time with their
folks and loved to have them come to visit them. Buck was so easy
going he didn’t try to hog all the Christmas' in Chapel Creek.
He’d announce to everyone this year he and his family would be spending
Christmas in Bandera. The little town of Bandera would shut down
and everyone would be at the Crenshaws for a Christmas rodeo.
Folks came from miles around to spend time with the four
families. Everyone was welcome.
The family got
ready to leave and boarded their new motorcoach they purchased with the
help of their three older sons. Gus and Dora bought a smaller one
the year before and Randy and Sarah though it was a great idea for
traveling back and forth. They got a good buy on theirs from some local
folks who were splitting up and bought the coach brand new. They were
having to sacrifice it in a bitter divorce settlement. Randy and
Sarah
hated to come by it through their neighbors bad circumstances, but it
was almost like they wanted them to have it. It was beautiful
weather and they made the trip in record time. C.W. and the twins
took turns riding behind Harley and Mutt on their bikes. The two
men didn’t run away and leave their families. Even though it was
slow and boring they wanted to stay close in case anyone needed a hand.
When they pulled
into Buck and Linda Sue’s drive all hell broke loose. It was
utter chaos. Folks came running from every door in the
house. Boys and animals were pouring out of the barns to greet
the Crenshaws and Franz. Gip was the first to his
brothers, C.W. and the twins. He was a year younger than they but
he
skipped the first grade in school. They were all graduating that
year.
With his four older brothers to teach him he was reading and had math
skills on a fourth grade level by the time he got to first grade.
It was the same with Sissy. She skipped the first grade with Gip.
The boys
had
them playing Monopoly and Scrabble with them from the time they were
four years old.
They learned to read the cards, read and spell
words, and count money. That was their introduction into reading
and
math. They would beat the socks off their big brothers from time
to
time. The first grade teacher caught Gip reading a “Hardy
Boys Mystery” behind his “Dick and Jane” reader. After school she
had him read to her. He read a whole chapter and didn’t miss a
word. He told her Sissy could do the same thing. The next
day the
teacher tested Sissy and found Gip was telling the truth. She
immediately bumped them up to second grade. Sissy and Gip spent a
lot of their time helping the slower readers in second grade catch up.
The family
gathered and it was a wonderful holiday for everyone. Waddie and
Zane got back to Chapel Creek after spending almost a week and a half
with Booger, Cowboy, and his family in Mason. Waddie and Zane
thought the
world of Cowboy’s old man and uncle, but their favorite was Lester the
black
man who lived with them. There was a lot of rodeoing
going on when Cowboy and Waddie were down to the rodeo grounds in
Mason. Waddie and Zane got to rope with everyone who came down to
the rodeo grounds. Their favorite was Cowboy’s roping partner,
Phil
Roamer. He was a genuinely nice man, as big as Waddie and deadly
accurate with a rope.
* * * * * * *
There was much
preparation for the big day. Buck and Linda Sue always put their
tree up last in the family and invited everyone to come. Half the
damn community was there. Of course, Buck, Linda, and Gip
were constantly on the go every evening for two weeks before Christmas
going to other folk’s homes for dinner to help decorate their
trees. Buck himself became the spirit of Christmas for almost
everyone in the community. He not only was the voice of
authority,
but he was loved by everyone. He was one of the most loved men in
the
little town. Even the kids loved the sheriff. Folks
followed the rules because they didn’t want Buck disappointed with them.
Christmas eve
was mostly reserved for family, going to midnight services, and opening
presents. The adults opened their presents. They put the
kids to
bed
for Christmas the next morning.
There were no small
children born into any of the four families recently except Jannie and
Clyde’s son, Clyde Junior. He looked just like his granddad who
spoiled him rotten. They usually had their Christmas for him
before
they came to the sheriff’s for the day. Everyone went to
church that Christmas eve and the women and children of the church
decorated it with greenery and candles. The only light in the
small church was from candles. It was turned into a Christmas
wonderland. It was the prettiest anyone could remember for a long
time. Jannie set along side of Waddie and Zane was on his other
side. Little Clyde crawled up into Waddie’s lap when the preacher
began to give the lesson and promptly went to sleep.
Waddie, Oatie,
Buck, Randy, and Dan were all fascinated with the boy. He had the
same personality as his dad and they could see him growing to be as big
a man as Clyde was. He would crawl up into one of their laps and
ask them to tell him about his dad. Waddie, Buck, Dan, or Oatie
would talk to him for hours telling him wonderful stories about the
good times they shared with his dad. By the time they were
finished he was fully convinced his dad was a super hero. To them
he
was. Christmas is a
wonderful time of year. How many times have we heard that
phrase?
But, it’s genuinely true.
It can be better for some than
others. Christmas celebrates the coming together of families and
loved ones. Those who find themselves alone at Christmas can
sometimes have a rough go of it. I don’t think anyone can
disagree Christmas is for children. The wonder of the celebration
and the joy of love coming from their families is what makes it
work for them. Most get caught up in Santa Clause, Christmas
trees, and the gifts they receive. However, without the love
and caring of the adults to provide it for them they wouldn’t know
Christmas.
Within the
four families there were no new recent births so there were few small
children. However, a couple of the newer deputies had young kids
and they were shown so much attention they were usually exhausted by
seven early evening. They would be up in one adults arms or
another. They loved to run and have a kiss stolen from them
by the big man, the sheriff, who was their daddy’s boss. They
loved C.D. Rawlings as well. As the day wore
on there was one pretty little girl about four years old who couldn’t
take her eyes off Mutt. She stared at him and her mother
would
scold her not to. Finally she told her mother to put her
down.
Her mother was horrified to see her run as fast as her little legs
would carry her and held her arms up for Mutt to hold her. Mutt
looked confused for only a second, and reached down to pick up the
beautiful little girl. She looked up at him and smiled the
sweetest
smile. Her
mother was about to come get her, but Mutt smiled as best he could,
and waved her away. He wasn’t annoyed or being bothered by her.
“What’s your
name, Mister?” she asked.
“Cassidy’s my
name, sweetheart, but my friends just call me Cass. Some folks
call me
Mutt, ‘cause my face is so ugly they say I look like an old stray
dog,” Cass tried to smile and the beautiful little girl grinned
at his joke, “And, what’s your name, pretty lady?”
Cass asked.
“Virginia Anne
Woodson, but you can call me, ‘Ginny.’ That’s what everybody
calls
me,” she replied.
“‘Ginny’ it is
then,” Cass declared, “Good to meet cha,’ Ginny Woodson. You may
call me Cass or Mutt, whichever you feel like,” he said.
“Good to meet
you, too, Mr. Cass. Oh, I wouldn’t call you ‘Mutt.’ You
ain’t no mutt. A mutt’s a mongrel dog. You don’t look like
no dog to me. You’re eyes tell me who you are and you’re
definitely ‘Cass,’" she said quite seriously.
The adults
stopped their conversations to hear the unique exchange going on
between the little girl and their beloved son and friend they were
all concerned about. “I apologize for
staring at you a while ago, Mr. Cass, but I wasn’t looking at
your face, honest. I was looking at your beautiful, blue
eyes. My momma didn’t understand. She thought I was being
rude,
but I didn’t really mean to be. That’s why I had to come over
here and
talk with you. I knew from your eyes you’d understand if I
explained. To
stare at someone because they’re a little different would be mean, and
I didn’t want you to think bad of me,” she carefully explained.
Cass was stunned by the little
girl’s words and seeming maturity.
“Don’t chu’
worry none, sweetheart. I didn’t take offense nor was I bothered
by you looking at me. I was being looked at by one of the
prettiest ladies here. How could I be upset with you?” Cass
asked.
Ginny giggled and hugged Cass. He gently returned her hug and
winked at her mother. The family was mesmerized by their exchange.
“My daddy told
me when I don’t understand something to ask about it, someone will
explain, and I don’t have to wonder about it anymore,” she said.
“He’s
right.
Your daddy is a wise man, Ginny. You should always listen to your
parents. They love you, and they won’t
never tell you wrong,” Cass said.
“Mr. Cass, why
is your face the way it is?” she asked with concern. It became so
silent in the room
you could’ve heard mouse fart in farthest corner of the upstairs
bedroom. Some drew
in their breath waiting to hear Cass’s answer.
“Well,
Ginny,
I fought in a terrible war halfway around the world from here. I
was wounded and as a result, part of my face got blown off by a land
mine which exploded right in front of me,” Cass explained not talking
down to her.
“What’s ‘war,’
Mr. Cass?” Ginny asked.
“It’s when two
countries can’t get along, they send their young men to fight and
kill each other to try and make them see things their way, and the
country what kills the most young men, wins,” Cass gave the short
answer.
“That’s awful,”
she said slowly with emphasis, “Why don’t they just sit down and talk
about it like we’re doing?” she asked.
“Sometimes they
try, but after they're done with all the talking and still can’t agree,
they
decide to fight each other. When they get to that point they call
it ‘War.’”
“Were you
fighting for our country, Mr. Cass?” she asked. Cass paused
and looked up at the adults for help and only saw tears in their
eyes. He was alone in his boat and knew he couldn’t give
the
little
girl the answer he wanted to. She wouldn’t understand. God
help him, he prayed to himself, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do
anyway.
“Yes, Ginny, I
was fighting for our county and way of life so we could be
sitting here today, together, living in a land of peace and freedom,”
Cass replied.
Cass was about
to lose it because it was the first time he ever allowed himself to
think the thought let alone speak the words, but he found himself
sitting just a little taller and held Ginny tighter. She threw
her arms
around his neck and planted a big one on his good cheek. “Thank you, Mr.
Cass, for going to war for me. It must have been awful for
you, but I want you to know I love you for going,” she said.
Out of the
mouth’s of babes can sometimes come great truths. Cass couldn’t
hold back any longer and started to cry. Ginny seemed to know and
sensed the man’s pain she just befriended. She held him
tight until he got it out.
Cass got himself together and gently
kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you,
sweetheart, you’re the first person to thank me for going to war since
I been home. I want you to know how much I appreciate it and
the
Lord above knows I love you, too. Thank you, Ginny Woodson, your
parents should be very proud of you. You made one veteran feel
like he made a difference,” Cass said.
Needless to say
there wasn’t a dry eye in the room, but after that, the conversation
picked up and everyone went about their business as if nothing
happened. Cass continued to talk to Ginny half the morning and
found her a highly intelligent and interesting child. Unwittingly, the
child did more for Cass's diminished spirit than all the talk from the
adults who
loved him could. He came to adore Ginny and she followed him
around all day. Her parents were afraid she was pestering him but
Cass
would tell them she was a delight and let her be. When she
learned
Waddie and Harley was over there with Cass she ran to them,
hugged, kissed them, and told them she loved them, too, for going to
war for her.
Buck,
Dan,
Randy, Gus, Bubba, Don, Quinton, C.D. and all the adult men got their
heads together and were talking quietly. “Damn! How
stupid can I be?” Randy Crenshaw asked rubbing the top of his head
with his right hand, “That innocent little girl made me feel like a
damn fool. I been so dead-set against this war after losing Gip,
J.R.,
and Clyde, I
failed to show my sons who did survive the support and love they
needed. I never told either of my boys I’m proud of them for
going to Nam nor thanked them for what they done. No matter our
politics my boy gave her the correct answer; he thought he was going to
defend his country. I feel pretty damn low right now.”
“Oh, Hell,
Randy, y’ain’t the only one. I ain’t never told Waddie ‘thank
you’ for going over there. Told him I was proud of him, but she
was right, damn it, she nailed me to the barn door along side you,
brother,”
Buck said, put his arm around Randy, and pulled him close.
“Let me take
care of this, Randy,” Buck said, smiled at Randy and the cowboy
knew his big
brother would make it right.
Everyone
gathered for the Christmas feast. The table was loaded with
delicious
foods of all kinds. By tradition they stood around the table and
held hands. It was also the tradition the man whose home it was
either
asked the blessing or asked someone to do it. Buck started,
“Another year
has gone by and we’ve had a few bad things happen to us but by and
large we’ve had good year. Some good things happen as well.
The bad part is losing someone we love but the good part is welcoming
new family members no matter how they come to us, through the joy of
birth or as simple as the birth of a new friendship. But for
today, this very moment in our lives, the best part is we’ve come
together again to participate in this
blessed season and to share our love with one another. Sometimes
the
good
Lord teaches us lessons in such a simple way a child can understand;
unfortunately, as adults our eyes and
hearts are sometimes blinded to the
everyday simple truths of life; us adults lose touch with the innocence
of the child
within us, we fail to see the obvious we take for granted, and we don't
take the time to listen to
him or her.
“Ginny,” Buck
said and
smiled at the little girl between her mother and dad, “I thank God for
you. You taught us adults around this circle a wonderful lesson
today in
honesty and love. Cass told you the truth, sweetheart, you were
the first person to thank him and tell him you loved him because he
went to war for you. In our excitement to have our sons and
brothers home we forgot, Ginny, that these men, Cassidy, Waddie, and
Harley
need to hear what you told your new bubba Cassidy earlier. They
need to hear it from the folks who love them. So thank you,
darlin,’ for coming here today with your mom and dad; thank you for
teaching us a simple but honest lesson, and may God continue to bless
you and show you the way. You are a very special little lady,
Miss Ginny Woodson. Son, Cass, Harley, everyone in this
room loves you and we’re proud of you. We thank you for going
over there and fighting for us. You were, indeed, fighting for
your country and our way of life. Let no man ever tell you
different,” Buck said.
“Amen,” said
everyone around the circle.
“Now, I’d like
to ask my other brother, Randy Crenshaw, to say grace for us today,
Randy?” Buck asked.
They bowed
their heads and Randy didn’t know from where his words came. At
one point he was sure they weren’t coming from him, but it was a prayer
that would patch the most wounded of hearts. It was a prayer of
thanks and one of forgiveness. It was a prayer for peace.
Everyone followed with a resounding, “Amen.” Then Randy felt it, he
looked at Waddie and instantly knew he felt it, too. Mr. Uriel
was present among them. Randy knew from whence cometh his help
with the prayer. Buck walked over
to Cass, Waddie, and Harley who were standing together. He put
his
arms around them, kissed each one, and told them again how proud he was
of them and thanked them. Every man, woman, and child lined
up to do the same before anyone took a bite of food. Waddie,
Cass, and Harley were moved to tears. Mutt never remembered
seeing his
handsome buddy cry. ‘Mr. Boone don’t never cry,’ he thought to
himself. It was good to see Harley could be touched.
That Christmas
was one of healing and forgiveness. Mutt felt it helped him a
lot. Going home and putting his memories in order. Putting
his brother’s love away was a major step for a young man who, up until
that time, was an emotional cripple. He seemed to be coming out
of his
shell more each day. His family couldn’t have been more
happy. Harley was proud of himself for any small investment he
might have made to Mutt’s new sense of self worth. It was a good
day for all. Mutt got a new pair of boots from Uncle Enid but so
did every man there. She gave all the women expensive perfumes
and colognes. Years before the men made it a fun thing to give
each other funny or sometimes a serious small gift. There was a
five dollar limit set on any one gift. Randy always brought a box
of cigars for the men to enjoy after Christmas dinner. Of course,
Buck always invited Uncle Enid to join the men. She loved them,
and they loved her.
Randy always
gave Buck a pint of Southern Comfort each Christmas. He must have
passed out a gallon of the liquor over the holidays. Buck always
gave Randy something he could use around his place. Something
unusual that would be a handy tool or item that would make a chore more
easily done. And so it went, the family had a wonderful time
together that Christmas. They knew and felt their angel was with
them to help show them the way. They loved each other and they
learned from each other, not the least of whom was a small child, Miss
Ginny Woodson, who
became their spirit of Christmas that year.
End of Chapter
10 ~ Harley & Mutt
Copyright
©
2010 ~ Waddie Greywolf
All
rights
reserved
Mail to:
waddiebear@yahoo.com
Proofed: 06/28/11