Gent - Have you tried the new medicated paper for the water-closet?

Lady - It is so dreadfully expensive.

Gent - No, really I know a place where you can buy six packets for ten-and-sixpence.

Lady - It is so deliciously soft, I cannot think how I could have put up with old newspapers.

Gent - May I send you half a dozen?

Lady - Thanks very much.

Gent - What a very disagreeable smell, I think our vis-a-vis must have farted.

Lady - No, it's that conceited thing on your left. I saw her cough behind her hand and pull her dress out.

Gent - You must forgive me but, do you know, I thought at first it was you.

Lady - Oh, you naughty satirical man.

Gent - What a troublesome complaint is piles!

Lady - Yes, poor mama and my sisters have them shockingly.

Gent - And you, come now, confess.

Lady - No, indeed, and indeed.

Gent - Not a little bit?

Lady - No, not a bit.

Gent - Do you find that your bowels act with regularity?

Lady - Quite so, thank you for your kind enquiries, I go punctually every ten days or so.

Gent - Now that is very naughty of you, you ought to go every morning.

Lady - But the seat is so dreadfully cold to sit down on in this nasty weather.

Gent - Might I warm it for you?

Lady - What would mama say?

(Here you see, the conversation is gliding into a flirtation and should be diverted unless you have honourable intentions. If you have, it may continue as follows:)

Gent - Your mama would say we were two cozy dicky birds to bolt ourselves into the water-closet.

Lady - But you would go away after you had warmed the seat, would you not, because I might make a little noise?

Gent - If it played a pretty tune I would love it.

Lady - And would you rumple the paper for me?

Gent - All day long.

Lady - For little me only and for no one else?

Gent - For no one but you would I rumple a particle of paper. Is it not extraordinary that there are no public urinals for ladies?

Lady - You men would be always standing about the doors,

Gent - But you ought to have them built like ours, you know, with the trough projecting a little further.

Lady - Butter-boat fashion, how very nice.