Tune— "The Mistletoe Bough.""

The beds were all made in the bawdy house fine,
And the whores were rejoicing in gin and wine;
And the old bawd herself, dressed out so gay,
Was making them drunk on Xmas day.
And there was "Peg Watkins" the brothel's delight,
Got lewd on a cove, as was there that night.
And said she to herself: "If I don't have a go.
I'll content myself with the old Dildoe."

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh, the old whore's Dildoe.

"Oh! I am weary of lashing," Peg now did cry,
"Come upstairs with me Joey, and let's have a shie."
But Joey determined to stick to the gin,
And wouldn't leave his liquor to have put in.
And Peg cursed him and told him to go to hell;
But drunk as a fart, from the chair he fell.
So away she ran with her blood in a glow;
Determined to try the old Dildoe.

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh! the old whore's Dildoe.

To the old bawd's bedroom at once she went,
To seize upon the implement.
She looked in the cupboard, she looked in the pot,
She searched high and low but found it not.
She rushed to the couch, she searched the bed,
Underneath the pillow she spied its head.
She seized it and cried: "Full well I know,
Far better than Joe's the old Dildoe."

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh, the old whore's Dildoe.

She flew with the treasure into her room
(Its size was the handle of a broom).
Oh! what ecstatic moments she passed there,
As she threw up her legs on the back of a chair.
Through each vein in her body the fire lurked,
Surely and quickly the engine worked;
Face her, back her, stop her no! no!
Faster and faster flew the old Dildoe.

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh! the old whore's Dildoe.

Minutes soon passed and the hours flew by,
When there suddenly came a fearful cry,
Which was followed at once by a fearful scream,
Which awoke the whores from their drunken dream.
They all jumped up in a hell of a fright,
In an empty gin-bottle they stuck a light;
And the old whore herself away did go
To look after the safety of the old Dildoe.

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh! the old whore's Dildoe.

But the old whore very soon did return
With a look of agony and deep concern;
For her heart was filled with dire remorse,
As she told the whores of her fearful loss;
She questioned them all and implored them to tell,
Where the treasure had gone that she loved so well;
When one of them said: "I think I know,
Peg Watkins is using your old Dildoe."

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh! the old whore's Dildoe.

Away they all flew to Peggy's room.
But, ho! 'twas filled with smoke and fume,
And a terrible stench came forth from the bed,
Where poor Peggy lay all burnt and dead.
Sad, sad, was her fate, when, instead of a fuck,
With the old Dildoe she had tried her luck;
And when at the short digs she so hard did go,
It caught fire with the friction - the old Dildoe.

Chorus- Oh! the old Dildoe, oh! the old whore's Dildoe.

Caught one day in flagrante delicto, he was summoned to their presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him - his next escapade would be the last. He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.

One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and on a search being made, was discovered in the beer-cellar, buggering the page boy.

"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf."

"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the bottom of the page!"

History does not give the conclusion of the matter.