Now music being the food of love I thought that I would go
To Julien's concert; for I heard the price was very low.
It being nearly eight o'clock, so in I toddled quick,
To hear the quadrille and see great Julien shake his prick.

The little staff about, and I've been told by jokers
That the ladies they do all agree that he's the prince of pokers.
The ladies they were highly dressed - naked, almost stark,
Their muslin being thin enough to see the watermark;

I gazed on one, a beauteous maid, her smile was bright and sunny,
She'd a nice small mouth and golden hair and a fine full open cunny.
Being so, I introduced myself to her so gentle,
She said, she'd come there for an hour with something instrumental.

I gently sat down by her side while glowing like a fire;
The smile she gave I must admit I really did admire.
Said she: "The band is going to play." Said I: "'Twill shake the walls."
"Oh, no," said she, "that's only when great Julien shakes his balls.

"My bunch of rosy locks, his staff so well displayed is,
He knows full well a good long piece is sure to please the ladies."
The names of all the instruments she then enquired about
Especially of that long brass-thing that kept sliding in and out.

The fingering of the double-bass she thought was rather slack,
And wondered Julien should engage a man who'd got the clap-
Pers they were an awful bore, and still she would insist on
Me telling her who'd get the horn, and who the cornet a piston.

She said she liked the clarinet, likewise the German flute-
You know all well such instruments the ladies always suit;
The forty parts they were so off they almost made us start,
And the ophicleide would come in just like a thundering fart

Or peal of thunder, but not so far as India;
And the French horn would pop in, to join those things so windy
The place got overpowering; our ears were tired of drumming;
Said she: "I feel I'm going, you'd better be a-coming."

She took my arm, we left the place, I acted as conductor;
I called a cab, and on the road I freely furnished her with my ideas of Julien's improvements,
And so wound up with a grand duet with many pleasing movements.