When Captain Jones of Halifax,
Was put in winter quarters,
His landlady, a widow, had
The prettiest of daughters.

The Captain sued her lovingly,
The girl was gay and ready
To join her lot with his and be
The noble Captain's lady.

Their wedding was deferred; but soon.
Impatient for the pleasure,
He found his way into her room,
And swiv'd her at his leisure.

The chambermaid, who set to rights
The different pots and pans.
Warn'd mistress there was ne'er a drop
In that of this young man's.

The mother asked him tenderly,
"As you're to wed my daughter.
Pray tell me why - my dear young man,
Why - why - you make no water?"

"Ah, Madam!" cried he, "cannot you
The real reason guess?
The fact is that I go to bed,
So full of tenderness.

I get eager for the bliss,
I feel so stiff and hot,
That really I'm obliged to piss
Right up the Chimney Pot."

In the wars in India, in the year 1800, Major Torrens's party was pursuing some of the enemy.

One day, while they were dining and very merry, a sergeant came and reported to the Major that two prisoners were brought in, one old and one young.

The Sergeant requested orders regarding them. The Major merrily answered: "Oh, take them away and frig them."

The Sergeant retired.

In an hour he returned, and respectfully made this report: "Please your honour, we have frigged the young one. but we can't make the old man's cock stand."

This story was related to me, in 1818, by Torrens, who was then an old General at Madras.