Sunday, November 27 2005

I had a big surprise yesterday. It happened like this. Nikki called me during the week from her skiing trip. We talked for an hour in the evening before she went to sleep. She was feeling tired from skiing all day but she wanted to tell me she had a big surprise for me. She wouldn't tell me what it was but I suppose it wouldn't be a surprise then. I thought she bought me a present but I was wrong. I had to wait another few days before she returned from the trip. They came home late on Friday night and she came to see me on Saturday. When I opened the door to let her in, I saw what she meant by surprising me. She had a haircut, and a short one too! It looks very messy and spiky. It's not too short but it's not long either. She actually looks very cute and her hair looks lighter than before. I like it a lot but I will miss her long hair because I loved playing with it and braiding it into pigtails. She reminds me now of a little punk girl so I decided to call her Spiky.

They said it was going to snow on Saturday but it didn't so we went out shopping. We went to the market to buy food and then back home before we froze to death. She brought in her backpack a box of Lego blocks because she wanted to play with them. I thought it was funny. I told her she was too old to play with Lego blocks but then we both ended up playing on the floor with them and building houses and a bus while she told me everything about her trip. She said how one evening a boy asked her to dance with him and they had a great time so they met every evening at the hotel and he introduced her to his friends. When I asked her if she liked him she said he was OK but she didn't know what to do. She's never been out with a boy before and she thought his friends were making fun of her. Otherwise, she enjoyed her skiing trip and she didn't break her leg which is good news.

I think Spiky knows I've been feeling down. She didn't say anything and neither have I but I think she can feel it. I know I should talk with her but I don't know how. I keep delaying it. I don't want to ask her anything about the future. I go from ecstasy to depression hundred times a day when she's here with me and it's building a wall between us which is the last thing I need right now. If only we could go somewhere for a weekend but we can't because she has to study and do homework and it's too cold for going hiking or whatever.

Tonight I drove her home in the evening. It was Sunday, the streets were all empty, it was cold and dark. I thought everything looked just the way I feel. We sat in the car before she left. It reminded me of the time when she was little and we would just talk because neither of us felt like leaving. I would hold her hand and play with her fingers and she would giggle until we kissed good night.

Tonight I cried on the way back home. I've never felt so alone before. I don't know why people think I'm lucky. My life is a failure.