Thursday, June 02 2005

I've been feeling depressed lately. I don't know why. That's why I didn't write anything until now. I think I'm scared of the future as I'm getting older. I can't count on Nikki or my friends to be here for me all the time and I still haven't found anyone with whom to live in a permanent relationship. Nikki's been going out with Else and I think they are in love. It makes me feel good and sad at the same time. When she comes to me, she likes to talk about Else all the time but she's avoiding me when I ask her if she loves her. She tells me everything about her, her favorite bands and things she does and about her family and how she likes to paint pictures. She wants me to believe they are only friends and maybe that's true. I asked her to invite Else here one day and she said she'll ask her to come over this weekend. Maybe I'll take them out somewhere. We could go to a maritime festival at the harbor. There will be old tallships re-enacting historical battles and some dancing and music. Nikki wanted to go to Garbage concert this Friday but we were too late and didn't get the tickets. She was sad about it but we'll try to catch something else next time.

Nikki is busy now because it's the end of her school year and she has to study for exams. She brings her homework with her when she comes here and then asks me to help her or ask her questions from books. Her latest fascination is with ecology and she is saying how she wants to work for Greenpeace when she grows up. Her favorite subjects are science and art and her least favorite is history. Sometimes they sculpt figures from clay at school in art class and she brings them to me after she completes them. I keep them on the bookshelf. They are all different, quirky little figures of animals and girls. I really like them and they remind me on her when I'm alone.

I don't know what we'll do this summer. We haven't talked about it yet but I don't think we will go anywhere as far as we did last year. If we go anywhere it will be around here because my car won't last a long trip again and I can't buy a new one just yet. Nikki said how she would like to travel to Asia and learn about other cultures. Maybe I'll save enough money to take her there next year. We could go with Ella because her mother lives in Hong Kong but I don't know if Ella will want to go with us. This summer we'll ride bicycles and take short trips to the countryside or perhaps visit her grandparents for a couple of days. There will be other things to do in the city: we could go to concerts, movies and a party or two, or just play with ourselves at home. Maybe she will go somewhere with her parents like she does every year but it will be only a week or two at most.

I spoke with her mom one day on the phone when I called Nikki and she was still at school. She asked me to look after her when we go out so she doesn't get in trouble with alcohol and drugs. I don't know why she thinks Nikki would get in trouble with those thing. I never told her about the New Year party and I'm sure Nikki never said anything about it because she would get in trouble with her parents. Maybe she's done something before that I don't know about and her mom does. I told her Nikki's not interested in that but I promised her I will look after her anyway.

Last weekend it rained and we stayed at home. It's been so long since we forgot about everything else and just enjoyed peace and quiet with each other. I don't remember when we had time to kiss and cuddle all day without any plans or interruptions. The only thing we did that day was make something to eat and take a bubble bath in the afternoon. She's changed so much since I met her for the first time years ago. She is almost as tall as I now and as beautiful as ever. I don't remember being in love with anyone as long as I've been with Nikki. I think she is my love story for a lifetime. The only thing that changed is how she responds to my kisses and my words when I tell her how much I love her. When she was little it seemed to be a game for her, something funny and exciting to do. Now she understands the feelings and emotions behind it and I love seeing it on her face. She melts like sugar when I hold her and hug her close to myself and touch her face.

We went to a flea market one day after her soccer practice. We like looking at all the bric-a-brac that people sell there. I bought her a diary there once, all bound in leather which made it look like a really old book, and another time I bought a belt and some candles for myself. This time we didn't buy anything. We only looked around and listened to some band playing and then we went back home. When we arrived Monika called me and said she had a girlfriend. She told me all about her and asked me to visit her one day and to bring Nikki with me. We could visit them this weekend if we get the chance. I like Monika; she's relaxed about me and Nikki and I don't think she cares that we are so close. She's certainly not like Ella, although I haven't come out to her yet.

I think Nikki knows I'm feeling depressed because she tried to cheer me up. She was telling me jokes on the phone and it made me feel better.

One day about two weeks ago, we went out in the evening to eat something. We decided to walk because we didn't go far and it was a warm night. I think we ended up in a nearby Thai place and we stayed there for a while just chatting after our dinner until it was late. It was a pretty busy little restaurant and it was fun to be there because it was a first time for us, but on the way back home we walked along the park and held our hands or I think I had my hand around her and then we came across a group of drunk teen boys. There were five or six of them and they were all about 16 years old, and when they saw us they started calling us dykes and all other names. We walked away and hurried back home but Nikki was scared and she said we should take the car next time. It makes me angry that we can't even walk home anymore in peace.

I'm looking forward to taking some time off from work during summer because I'm tired and I'd like to spend more time for myself and Nikki. Her school will finish soon and then we'll be together almost every day.