Friday, January 28 2005

I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes sometimes. I don't know what to do in every situation I find myself in. But I can't dedicate every moment of my life to Nikki and I wouldn't expect her to spend every moment of her life with me. I understand when she goes to sleepovers or parties with her girlfriends and even though I'd like her to be with me every moment, I know it's not possible. If our relationship is ever going to be equal then she should accept that sometimes I like to meet other people and spend some time with them. I feel bad about our time away and I wish I made it somehow better for her. I tried as best as I could to talk to her but she was already in bad shape even before we left [...]. She knows I love her no matter what and she was simply acting up to make me upset. She's almost fourteen now and not a preteen girl anymore. She's playing games and she knew very well that Mark wasn't my boyfriend. It is easy to imagine her as sweet and cute little girl but she can be very manipulative when she wants to hurt someone. Maybe I should have engaged her in our conversation but it's hard when she doesn't speak English and Mark's [...] wasn't that good. I think she will get over it and everything will be as before. We spoke on the phone yesterday and we haven't made any plans for this weekend but she said she would like us to go shopping for new jeans. I'll call her tomorrow morning.

I haven't met any interesting girls for a long time except for Monika who I haven't seen since the party. I don't see my friends as often as I used to. I haven't seen Ella for a while and all my old friends I see only occasionally. I don't like going out as much as I did before and parties don't interest me any more. I'm mostly happy with two or three close friends and the time I spend with Nikki on weekends.

I remember how I said we were going to play with the chocolate syrup but Nikki doesn't like playing with it anymore. She says she gets all sticky and has to wash it off every time. So now I have to find something new for us to play with that will be fun for both of us.