Sunday, January 16 2005

I've been feeling depressed, tired and sad most of the time. I haven't seen Nikki since we came back. I think we need some time apart. The last few weeks have been mostly disaster and it all began with the New Year's party. I had a feeling we shouldn't go to that party but I thought Nikki would enjoy it. I think there were too many people and too much drink and drugs to be fun. I didn't even know most of the people there except Monika and one other girl and there were some guys who thought they were really cool for trying to flirt with us. Other people were just drinking and dancing and in all that mess I've lost track of Nikki for most of the night because she went somewhere else while I was talking with Monika. I really didn't enjoy the party and I wanted to leave soon after midnight but Monika wanted me to stay longer and she was the only one there I liked. Around midnight I went looking for Nikki to wish her happy new year and I found her all sick because some people have given her drinks. It made me really angry that they would do that to her but it was my fault too because I let her go on her own. She was all alone sitting on the floor and no one even bothered to ask her if she was all right. I picked her up and I said to Monika we had to go home.

I felt really bad about everything and this was probably the worst New Year's eve in my life. Nikki was sick all the way home where I washed her up and put her to bed to get some sleep. The next day Monika called to ask what happened and she was sorry it didn't turn out as we planned but I said it wasn't her fault. I still think she had the best intentions, it's just the wrong people that came to the party. Nikki was feeling better in the morning and I was angry with her for drinking. I thought she was more responsible than that but she wanted me to believe she didn't do anything wrong. In the end I let her have her way because I didn't want to be her mother and make rules for her. But she doesn't understand that whatever she does in the end implicates me because I'm responsible for her well being.