Wednesday, March 10 2004

I would like to visit every continent and I would really like to see Asia and Africa. Maybe I'll go to Egypt one summer because it's closest to Europe and there are some cheap flights from Europe. But I'm not making any plans yet.

Last weekend was exciting because Nikki and I decided to go somewhere away from the city. I think we were both bored and wanted to do something new. She even decided to miss her soccer practice on Saturday. We made plans during the week and then packed up on Friday afternoon and left on Saturday morning. We went to the deer park which is not too far from here.

It's up north and I booked a place to sleep over so we could stay longer and relax. On the way there we listened to the music and talked about her school. She said how one teacher in her school is lesbian and everyone knew about it. She wasn't teaching Nikki's grade but she saw her around. Later I told her about having lunch with Ella and her plans to go on the trip this summer like we did last summer. She was first surprised that I saw Ella but she said she would like to go on the trip again. She said she missed Ella but I don't know if Ella feels the same yet. Then she surprised me when she said she would like to kiss with Ella, but for fun. I asked her if she was serious and she only laughed and said she was kidding, but then said yes. I told her that Ella probably wouldn't like that. I said that we almost got in trouble when I told Ella about me and her being girlfriends, and Nikki said she knew about it because I told her all about it already, but she would still like to kiss Ella if Ella would let her. I was curious about it because she never asked about Ella and never showed interest in her until now. I still think she was trying to see how I would react because she's been doing that a lot lately. She usually says something to shock me and see what I say. It's like she's testing the ground and trying to make me talk but she won't say much when I try to make her talk. Anyway, I think it is just one of her quirks that will pass after a while. It's sometimes fun to listen to her say things that girls her age would never even think about, like kissing Ella. When we were alone that evening in our room, I asked her how would she kiss Ella and then she acted like a shy little girl and pretended she didn't know what I was talking about. Then a few minute later she walked to me and said "like this" and kissed me on the lips and then quickly walked away. I've given up trying to fathom her personality. It's both sweet and quirky and cute and I think that's what makes her so special.

When we arrived at the park, we quickly unpacked and went outside for a walk. The park is really a huge ground mostly covered in forests but there are open spaces too and tracks and lakes and rivers. We bought a map from our hotel reception so that we wouldn't get lost. Nikki couldn't wait to see deer but it was hard to find them and we walked for a long time before we saw a group of deer in the distance. We saw their tracks in the snow too, and some people said they saw them in the forest, but Nikki was scared of going into the forest so we didn't go there. We took some food with us in our backpacks so we didn't have to go back to eat our lunch. I wanted to go to one of the lakes and when we got there it was frozen, but it was dangerous to walk on it because the ice could break under our weight. After a while it became too cold and we decided to head back. We were a little disappointed because we didn't see any deer and Nikki thought we could get realy close to them and even feed them. I tried to cheer her up, and we chased each other on the way back to the hotel. It warmed us up a little and it was fun to run in the snow. Back in the hotel we asked where we should go to see deer and they told us where the best places are to see them, but it was too late to go back, and we were both tired and cold so we went to our room and took a long hot bath. Nikki almost fell asleep in the bath as I washed her so I had to tickle her to wake her up again. This made her laugh and she splashed me with water.

After the bath we dressed up and went to a restaurant to have a dinner. When Nikki saw that they had deer meat on the menu, she felt disgusted. She said she won't have anything to eat, and I had to convince her that she has to eat something. She finally chose a salad and a cake and I had a fish. I think she was still hungry, but she said she will never eat there again because they killed poor deer for food. I felt sorry for her because it didn't turn out to be as fun as I had hoped. I took her back to our room, and I told her I was sorry, and she said it wasn't my fault. I kissed her and we watched some TV while I undressed her bit by bit until she was naked. We kissed a little, but I felt she was tired so we went to bed and slept. The next morning she was feeling cranky. She didn't want me to kiss her, and she didn't want to say anything. I asked her what's wrong, but she only shook hear head and walked away. I said we could go look for deer again. I also wanted to take her to the amusement park which is a part of the deer park, but it's open only in the summer so we couldn't go there. I dressed her up in her warm clothes because she likes it when I dress her and undress her, but then just before we walked out she said she wanted to go home. I don't know what made her so grumpy. I think she was feeling depressed, but children don't know what it is so it's hard to tell what's wrong. I didn't want to make her do something she didn't want, so we packed our bags and checked out. She hardly spoke on the way back, and we only stopped along the road for lunch. When we arrived to her home, we sat in the car and held hands. I kissed her cheek and tried talking to her, and then she said she was sorry. I asked her why, and she said for ruining our weekend. I said "Don't worry about it. I love you and it comes with the package." This made her smile, and we hugged, and then I walked her home, and we said bye.

I still don't kow what made her feel that way. We spoke on the phone since, and she sounded just fine. I don't know what we'll do this weekend, but we can't go away again, and I think we will have bad weather anyway. I miss her, but she's becoming a teenager, and I think it's making her depressed, and I don't know how to help her because sometimes she doesn't want to talk to me at all. Maybe she needs some space, but she's still affectionate, and I can't be without her for too long. I'll try talking to her again, but I don't want to sound like her mother. It would only make her annoyed again.