Monday, December 22 2003

I saw Nikki this weekend. We had a fun time together. We are planning to celebrate the New Year at home and maybe we'll go out and watch the fireworks. But mostly we'll stay at home and have a quiet snuggle time just the two of us. :) We are already excited about it. I bought her a Christmas present but I haven't given it to her yet. It's a book and some girly things for her hair that she likes to wear. I won't see her on Christmas day because she will spend it at home with her family but I will see her the day after. I will go to my parent's place on Christmas day. Nikki is now on school holidays and she's mostly spending her time with friends and going to the ice skating rink close to her home. She did very well in her mid semester and everyone is proud of her.

The Yoga class was Nikki's idea. She saw the ad for the class at her school and told me about it. Then we went there one day and the woman who teaches the class showed us around and told us what we will learn. We both liked it so we enrolled in the class. It's fun because it's easier when we exercise as a pair because we can help each other. It can be sexy too and no one thinks it's strange when I touch her or she helps me because that's what everyone does. It also helps us relax and we feel much better afterwards.

Nikki loves playing her guitar. I don't know all the bands she likes to play but some of them are Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. It's not my favorite music but I still like to hear her play.

It may be true that Nikki turns out bisexual or even lesbian but I don't think it's very important. These are only labels people use to pigeonhole others so they don't feel confused. She's a beautiful and happy little girl and that's all I care about. Maybe one day she will meet a boy and fall in love with him or she might fall in love with a girl. We could even stay together as she grows up but I would like to see her go and explore the world for herself and meet different people. Sometimes I have doubts that our relationship is good for her because it keeps her away from learning about same-age relationships and having crushes on her friends like they do on her. For example she might be willing to experiment with her girlfriends but our relationship is keeping her from going ahead. Maybe she feels like I did when I was with Ella, that somehow I was cheating on her and in a sense I was. That's why I don't miss Ella so much because I love Nikki more than anyone. But I don't want to make her feel the same way. I want her to be free and do whatever she wants and the only way she will truly be free is if we stop being girlfriends and lovers and become only good friends. As much as it would make me sad, it might be the best option for Nikki.

I'll try to write more in the diary before Christmas but I can't promise anything because Nikki is now on holidays and she might ask me to go out with her any time. She can be a stuborn little monster when she's bored. :)