                             Nuttin'
                         By Frank McCoy
              With apologies to Abbot and Costello:


Tim:  Hey Mike!  Whatcha doin?
Mike: Nuttin.
Tim:  Nothing!  I thought you had a job down at the machine shop.
Mike: I do!
Tim:  Then what do you do down there?
Mike: Like I said, nutting.
Tim:  Let me get this straight ... You go down to the machine-
      shop every day, sit down on your ass, and do nuttin?
Mike: Yep.
Tim:  Gee, I would sure like a job where I did nuthin.
Mike: It's not nuthin ... it's nutting.
Tim:  If you say so.  Gee, I'd sure like to get a job doing 
      nuttin'.
Mike: Well, it's not as easy as it seems.  You need experience 
      working in other parts of the machine-shop before they let 
      you do some of the more complicated things like screwing 
      and nutting.
Tim:  You mean some of the guys down there get PAID for screwing 
      too?
Mike: Sure.  Some of the girls too.
Tim:  You screw with the girls and get PAID for it?
Mike: Not exactly.  When I get done nutting, sometimes I take my 
      bag of nuts over to one of the girls, and empty my nuts in 
      her box.
Tim:  God.  How do you get a job like this?
Mike: Like I said, it's not easy.  You need experience.  First, 
      you have to learn how to screw things down, without 
      screwing up ...
Tim:  I don't care WHAT position I screw in ... I just want one 
      of those girls to join me.
Mike: Well ... most of the girls are more experienced than you 
      are.
Tim:  I suspect so.
Mike: So, they'd have to teach you how to screw first.
Tim:  Hey, I already know how to screw.
Mike: You do?  I didn't know you worked in a machine-shop before.
Tim:  I didn't.  Marjorie Simpson showed me how ... out behind 
      the barn.
Mike: Well ... I don't know.  The boss generally wants guys with 
      lots of experience, before he lets them screw with the 
      girls like I do.
Tim:  I thought you said you do nuttin?
Mike: I do.  But sometimes the girls need help screwing ... So I 
      help them out as often as I can.
Tim:  Boy, I would sure like to help them out.
Mike: I dunno ... those girls handle some pretty big nuts, you 
      know.
Tim:  Hey, don't shortchange me.  I've got pretty big nuts too!
Mike: You do?
Tim:  Yep.
Mike: But are they the right size?
Tim:  Right size?
Mike: Uhuh.  If the thing is too big, it won't go in the hole.  
      On the other hand, if it's too small, it just falls out.
Tim:  I've never had any complaints.
Mike: So ... What would you do if your thing was too big to fit?
Tim:  I'd just push a little harder, and MAKE it go in.
Mike: That's what I thought.  Tim, I'm sorry, but I just can't 
      recommend you for the job.  You'd screw things up good that 
      way.
Tim:  Hey!  That's not fair.  Can't you just get me a job doing 
      nuttin', like you do?
Mike: But you said your experience was screwing.
Tim:  I can do nuttin' real good too!
Mike: No ... If you'd force things while screwing, I'm sure you'd 
      screw up while nutting too.
Tim:  Mike, PLEASE just ask your boss to let me try.
Mike: No ... I'd be putting my reputation for doing nutting on 
      the line ... and I can't risk that.  Much as you're my best 
      friend, I can't do it.  You'll just have to get a job on 
      your own.
Tim:  Mike.  Mike!  Hey, MIIIIIKKKEE!
