-
Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against
you, the reason can’t possibly be that you’re a
fuckhead. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you.
You will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. Be sure
to mention the CIA, FBI, Oliver North and the Army as
co-conspirators.
-
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a lawsuit is always
considered to be in good form:
“By saying that I’ve posted to the wrong group, Charlie has
libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court,
Charlie.”
-
Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane
Jones states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should
demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn’t written
an article on Jane’s cramps, then Jane is obviously
lying.
-
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is
the lingua franca of UseNet. You should use the
phrase ad hominem at least three times per article. Other
favorite Latin phrases are ad nauseam, veni, vidi,
vici, E Pluribus Unum and fettucini
Alfredo.
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Tell ’em how smart you are: Why use
intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all
you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of
Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. “I got an 800 on
my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs and I can also spell the word
‘premeiotic’ ”.
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Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart
person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course
in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your
opponent. “Polly Purebread, by using the word
‘zucchini’ in her posting, shows she has a bad case of
penis envy.”
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Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your
right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to
the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone
who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to
e-mail is either a Communist, a Fascist or both.
-
Doubt their existence: You’ve never
actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you’re the
center of the universe, you should have seen them by now,
shouldn’t you? Therefore, they don’t exist!
Call ’em an AI project, to really piss them off.
-
Laugh at whatever they write: A good
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA should intimidate just about
anyone.
-
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other
rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful
career on UseNet you will undoubtedly end up in a flame
war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose
your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like
a bozo. At this point, there’s only one thing to do:
Insult the dirtbag!!!
ÜOh yeah? Well, you do strange things with
vegetables.”
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And, if all else fails: remember that you can
always fall back on the favorite defense of soc.women:
“Who cares what you think—this is
soc.women!”.
Add “DAMMIT!” for effect.
-
Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you
hate one or more of the regulars: No one will respect
you unless it’s made clear that you hate them.
Call’em a Pman" if you can’t think of anything.
Tell the linguists to stuff it—you know a
diminutive when you see it.
-
-
Make things up about your opponent: It’s
important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with
the word “clearly”.
“Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to
boot.”
-
Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is
just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your
terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they’re
all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post
everywhere.
-
Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call
anyone just about anything as long as you include the smiley. On
really nasty attacks add “No flames, please”. When they
bitch, call them an ass for not being able to recognize sarcasm
when they see it.
-
Threaten to destroy ABEB if your opponent
refuses to give up. This at least gives you an appearance of
power, even if nobody on the net gives a damn about what goes on
in ABEB.
-
Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later
regret it, don’t worry. You needn’t cancel the
article.
That only shows what a wimp you really are.
Deny that you ever sent it.
“It must be a forgery!” (Yeah, that’s the
ticket, it’s a forgery!) “Someone broke into my
account and sent it!”
"It’s that damn backbone cabal out to get me!"
Take your pick, they’ve all been used before.
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A really cheap shot is to call your opponent a
Fascist. By itself, it really does nothing. But, when
used often, and in enough articles, it can make you a
net-legend.
-
Obfuscation is the key. Always edit your subject
line when following up so that no-one knows what the fuck
you’re responding to, or why. This drives ’em
wild.
Be sure to follow up to as many articles as possible, even if
you have nothing to say. The important thing is to get
“exposure” so that you can be called a
“regular” in your pet newsgroup.
-
You don’t own this group!
Since you’re obviously a networking/computer genius (this
would explain your usage of Outlook Express to access
UseNet) Your opinion means more than anyone
else’s.
Be sure to proclaim “Who voted you xxx of this
group?!?”, “Is this group moderated—nope, I
didn’t think so!” or, that old classic, “Usenet
is Anarchy!” to justify your pointless, off-topic flames and
general mayhem on Usenet. After all, if it were against the rules,
you wouldn’t be able to post it in the first place,
right?
So it must be okay!
Always change the nym of the person you’re responding to
when following up; make sure it’s something derogatory for
full effect.
Dump a hundred lines of previous posts in every article.
Make sure you never contribute anything useful to the
groups, as that would defeat the entire purpose of your
meaningless existence.