How to Annoy People

with mannerly behaviour

With contributions from Hecate and DrSpin.

1. Obey all speed limits scrupulously.
2. Brake to a complete halt at all signs.
3. When responding to customer requests, do not say, “Yes”. Instead, assure them, “It’s not a problem”.
4. Express fascination with the telephone salesperson’s product and extract a detailed description of it before revealing that you already have one.
5. Explain to waiters, waitresses and taxi drivers that you don’t tip because it’s demeaning.
6. Do not say “Good-bye”. Instead, chirp “Enjoy the rest of your day!”
7. Ooze sweetness and light while ostentatiously forgiving the churlish.
   
   Example: At the shop counter, defer to the middle-aged, angry woman who patently came after you but bristles with impatience. Do so with great charm and a winning smile. Insist. She diminishes in front of others and she will hate you forever.
   
   There is a taxi queue variation.
8. When a woman returns from the hairdresser, say “Oh, you’ve had your hair done. It looks so much better.”

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