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From: Dave
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 20:35:17 GMT
The following story is #81 in the FishTank. It's a complete story at 4,066 words. In the author's own words:
When I first wrote this last year, I REALLY liked the premise. Still do. When I did research, it seemed to make even more sense. However, even a year later, the ending still bugs the crap out of me. I'm more than happy to have any comments come my way, but the ending is really where I am most concerned. Thanks guys!
Winter Nights (MF, Cons, Fantasy)
By Dryad
(gbbjg@yahoo.com)
You paint some very real and engaging mental pictures. For example, I could actually taste that Miso soup and feel the steam on my lips. I could see the "glowing jewels" and feel the stiffness from "sleeping on the cold ground." The "crisp air" feeling (and smell) mentioned often was very real and appropriate in the environment you depicted.
The beginning was generally very relaxed and lead me into the mood of the story quite well. There was enough detail to deaw me into the character and the situation but not enough to distract from the intended story line. I could feel Rory's tiredness and the implied capability and dependability of the character. I could feel her both as 'good' and as 'alone,' qualities that the story was about to expand upon.
My main discomfort in reading most of the piece was in what was assumed by the author but not either implied or made clear to the reader. There were a number of story transitions that I felt a little blind-sided by. For example, I had a little shock to find out that this "guy" Rory was female when the sex got hot and heavy. Perhaps it shows my predjudges, but much of the style of description is more typically male. Once over the 'shock', and re-read it from the start, I found I really enjoyed Rory's personality. I would have appreciated a small, subtle hint at the start to orient myself to this delightful character. True, a gender inspecific character can be used to great effect, but in this story I had a much richer experience of it when I started again knowing Rory was a woman.
As another example, I came to realize that the author [and Rory] knew that the dog was connected "somehow" to Ryan, but I [as the reader] wasn't let in on this "knowledge" until after the dog-intro scene was completed. Having been drawn into the story, I was a little confused when here I was with a huge black dog bounding at me on the top of a wilderness mountain with no one around and my body wouldn't be found until spring ... and I read that the concern was finding some dog food. Just a phrase early on that told me that Rory sensed this was connected to Ryan [and/or of the safety of the situation] would have made the scene as playful and fun for me as it turned out to be for Rory.
All in all, I loved the images and feelings that were painted in my mind. Thanks for the story!
As far as the ending goes, I didn't have a big problem with it. However, since you asked for suggestions here's a thought ...
I understand that Rory is a very responsible person, but the two concepts of (1) being taken away to live with a god and (2) feeling that is is necessary to resign, pack, and haul all your worldly possessions to the top of a mountain seems a obsessive-compulsive. Maybe have her get to work on the real monday and spend the week grappling with the need to be with him. On the next weekend, leave an emotional note that says that she's about to follow her heart for once and hopes that those who care about her will understand (OK, maybe send a resignation, also). Paint a lovely picture of Rory hiking to the mountain top against a stunning sunset, removing her clothes, stretching her arms to the stars as they slowly appear amid the fading deep reds of the evening and ... "When you look up at the sky, you will see me. My hand is over Orion's heart, stroking his chest as I stand behind him." I'd add the feel-good phrase ... "with Sirus beside us, bounding after comets through the night sky."
Dalcyks
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 10 Mar 2003 12:47:33 -0800
Dryad
Quite a moving and mystical little tale. Rather refreshing to be honest, although I had a problem near the beginning. Rory is an Irish man's name, and I've even known a "Rory". So, I was envisioning a rather tasteful gay romance until we discovered that Rory has a clitoris.
I liked the way the story invoked the feel of the mountain and the countryside. And I liked the way the story's end tied in with the constellations revealed at the beginning.
There were a few formatting problems and inconsistent use of capitalisation. But these are small faults, easily corrected. I don't often read romantic sex fiction of this kind and I do have difficulty in understanding what it is that Rory could see in the man, but my guess is that if I wanted to put a physical persona on the Orion constellation, then a broad-shouldered Irishman called Ryan would be close to the mark.
Delightful and evocative. A nice little treat!
Bradley Stoke
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 22:16:05 GMT
"Bradley Stoke" <bradley_stoke@hushmail.com> wrote in message news:aaacc8d6.0303101247.1f3462fb@posting.google.com ...
Dryad
Quite a moving and mystical little tale. Rather refreshing to be honest, although I had a problem near the beginning. Rory is an Irish man's name, and I've even known a "Rory". So, I was envisioning a rather tasteful gay romance until we discovered that Rory has a
Wasn't the last High King of Ireland named Rory O'Connor?
cmsix
clitoris.
I liked the way the story invoked the feel of the mountain and the countryside. And I liked the way the story's end tied in with the constellations revealed at the beginning.
There were a few formatting problems and inconsistent use of capitalisation. But these are small faults, easily corrected. I don't often read romantic sex fiction of this kind and I do have difficulty in understanding what it is that Rory could see in the man, but my guess is that if I wanted to put a physical persona on the Orion constellation, then a broad-shouldered Irishman called Ryan would be close to the mark.
Delightful and evocative. A nice little treat!
Bradley Stoke
-
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: Altan
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 01:43:29 GMT
On Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:45:51 -0500, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
Winter Nights (MF, Cons, Fantasy)
By Dryad
(gbbjg@yahoo.com)
Hi Dryad,
This definitely is a different story, exciting and interesting.
First, your question about the ending. I can see how you are not quite happy with it. How about letting Rory take her two week vacation on the, then when she comes back she finds that a year or more has passed, and she decides just not to bother with that life anymore, walks straight back up the mountain and stays there?
Or the more classical format, where Ryan makes her choose between life on Earth or life with him, and of course she chooses him?
On to the FishTank.
1) 2 positive comments
1. I had to read the story twice. Not because it was difficult or anything, but because I was so curious to where it would lead that I skiped large parts.
2. The coding "Fantasy" was essential to me. Without it, I would have been lost in this story, wouldn't have appreciated the twist at all. I would have felt betrayed. Because the code was there, I enjoyed the twist at the end and it came as a great solution to the build-up tension.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
1. I would have liked a bit clearer note of what time of year it was. In the beginning you mentioned February, but that didn't seem related to the actual time of year. Somehow, I kept expecting this.
2. I didn't understand the missing day, or what its importance was. Maybe I am missing something, but where did that day go? What does it mean?
Bradley Stoke mentioned the formatting problems (more towards the end of the story). I thought it might be of use to you to write down the typos I noticed:
Don't panic. I told myself.
I think the first period should be a comma?
It's Tuesday [ ...] Wednesday? Not Monday?
Probably the Wednesday ought to be Tuesday?
I didn't know otherwise until Katie saw me.
Should that perhaps be something like "until Katie mentioned it to me" ?
And I noticed a "My god" etc. a few times - Shouldn't God always be capitalized in English?
Thanks very much for sharing this with us.
A.
http://www.asstr.org/~altan/
From: Conjugate
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 22:34:30 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:v6p29eof6a7d7@news.supernews.com ...
The following story is #81 in the FishTank. It's a complete story at 4,066 words. In the author's own words:
When I first wrote this last year, I REALLY liked the premise. Still do. When I did research, it seemed to make even more sense. However, even a year later, the ending still bugs the crap out of me. I'm more than happy to have any comments come my way, but the ending is really where I am most concerned. Thanks guys!
FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Woo hoo! I liked it, and the premise. Not bad. I also am a little concerned with the ending, but am not sure what to say that wouldn't be repeating. Making the transition from mortal camping woman to immortal should be more momentous. Perhaps have her, in an emotional scene, resign from work when the boss demands that she should damned well be on time, and she reminds him that it's been 5 years since her last vacation? Then she goes home, packs her stuff, worries about the future, and has to face the decision: crawl back to the boss, explain she was over-wrought, and beg for her job back, or abandon everything and head off into the unknown future? Something like that might put more punch into the ending and make the feeling of satisfaction at the end more satisfying.
I did not notice the problem with sex; for some reason, Rory always sounded "female" to me, and I can't say why, but it did not surprise me to find she was a woman as other commentors observed. But looking back over the story, I see that there were indeed no indications of the viewpoint character's sex. So, perhaps among the causes of her tension, she could say something about boyfriend troubles? About how she's tended to get uptight very easily ever since the kids in grade school teased her about having a boy's name when she was a girl? About a too-tight bra? I don't know, but she is relieving lots of stresses in that first campsite scene, and surely a clue to her femininity can be amongst them.
Fix misused words! In particular:
" ...frantic to aleve my mental congestion."
Now, Aleve (R) is a pain reliever (Naproxen Sodium, I think, though I'm not
sure) and I suspect you intended "alleviate" which is to make less
troublesome.
Apart from that, I don't have much to say except thank you for sharing the story. I will suggest you consider a few more accessories for Orion; a sword or something at his belt, perhaps, or a shield? In some depictions of the constellation, I see him holding a shield before him, in others he's holding up an animal pelt as if examining it closely. But I'm sure he's got a sword. Unless you meant for his "sword" to be the less threatening tool he uses during the love scene? I can understand why I've never seen a depiction of Orion with that detail, of course, but surely if that were right he'd have, shall we say, a steeper angle.
Lastly, let me urge you to scan for punctuation. For instance, and there are other examples:
"its not like I'm late or anything."
She snorted, looking disbelieving. "how can you say you weren't late Rory?
"It's not like I'm late or anything."
She snorted, looking disbelieving. "How can you say you weren't late, Rory?"
Note the apostrophe in "It's," the capital letters at beginnings of sentences, and the comma before a noun of address.
Conjugate
hoping Dryad doesn't mind our criticisms, or she'll Taurus and feather us.
From: Frank McCoy
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 10:51:47 -0600
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
The following story is #81 in the FishTank. It's a complete story at 4,066 words. In the author's own words:
When I first wrote this last year, I REALLY liked the premise. Still do. When I did research, it seemed to make even more sense. However, even a year later, the ending still bugs the crap out of me. I'm more than happy to have any comments come my way, but the ending is really where I am most concerned. Thanks guys!
FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
I'm trying to comment ... and find myself stuck.
I liked the story, but it left me vaguely uneasy.
The trouble is: I can't pinpoint why.
Not much help, I'm afraid.
Perhaps it's just part of my writer's block.
/ ' / ™
,-/-, . __ /
(/ / ((/|/ / </ <
From: john
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 11 Mar 2003 21:14:46 -0800
Hi Dryad.
The ending. I doubt that this will sit well. But, hey. It only cost me $0.02, and I'm not marking it up, not even half a penny. The idea of a mortal and a god, unless of course Disney is the author, finding eternal bliss is uncommon, and I think that's not unreasonable. Usually the other gods and goddesses have some say in the matter, don't they? Well, here's the dearjohn version. Rory (nice name, don't change it) gets her holiday and sets off for the mountain. presents her plan for wedded bliss to Ryan, but Ryan takes her in his arms and explains that what they have is much more special because it's just for a season, not forever, that he's a lover not a husband, a hunter not a farmer. They kiss. Rory understands that they will meet again next winter. That this story must have been repeated countless times over aeons, with countless other women. She will treasure the memory, anticipate the coming year, go back to being indispensible to her boss. Sniff. Sigh. I love her.
Negatives are too easy in a rough. Tense could use some work in two critical places. I'd use present in the first paragraph. Because the action is ongoing. "I like to camp. I love the ..." Just as important it brings the reader more directly into it. Then way down towards the end in a "climax" sort of scene ...
"Oh, god, don't stop!" I cried, shivering uncontrollably, being held at the edge of explosion. Ryan smiled whispered to me, but kept his slow driving thrusts going as his finger slides deeper between my ass cheeks to tease at my rear entrance. At the same time, he stokes my clit between us at the end of each deep stroke. My body went taunt for a moment, and I uttered a
you start shifting back and forth from present to past right here. I really think a shift to present may add to the drama, but it ought to be consistent. There I've hobgoblined my little mind.
I wouldn't change "aleve." I thought it very creative and totally understandable. But I'd change a sent to scent, an "an" to a one, a who to a how and couple others I forgot to mark.
I liked the characterizations. Rory as a mortal was way cool. Too cool I think to spend eternity with one arm on her lover's shoulder. Ryan, for a god, was surprisingly humble, considerate, thoughtful. I was impressed that he acquired those ungodlike qualities in order to be a godlike lover. Cool.
The other things I liked, your setting in particular, have been said before.
Dryad, I wasn't as taken as the others with your premise. I thought you gave the pun a few too many hints too early on. But I was taken with your writing. It was rough, but a diamond in the rough. You cobbled it together very well. I admire your sense of balance. If it were a glass slipper, I think it would be a cinch to hold it up with just one finger on the instep.
Thank you,
John
From: Tesseract
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 12 Mar 2003 06:12:28 -0800
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<v6p29eof6a7d7@news.supernews.com> ...
Winter Nights (MF, Cons, Fantasy)
By Dryad
(gbbjg@yahoo.com)
I liked it, a sexy, modern addition to the mythology. It provides a useful insight into the female psyche and the conquest fantasy. Your descriptions are good and I can picture the mountain and the people.
The ending is a bit weak. Perhaps, as others have suggested, have her leave, not after a good day at work, but a stressful day. Maybe she leaves work after sunset and notices Orion in the sky (it is quite visible in the city) and decides to go to the mountain instead of to work the next day.
About the gender issue some have raised: When I started reading I assumed the character was female, which may be a bias since I know the author is female. To me Rory is usually a boys name but I'm open to applying it to a girl, though when I first saw it I became unsure of the gender until the sex scene.
Does Rory have some significance that I am missing?
The previous people left me one typo.
of each deep stroke. My body went taunt for a moment, and I uttered a guttural moan from somewhere deep in my soul.
I think you mean "taut". For the longest time I thought it was pronounced, and spelt, "taunt". I thought I was the only one with such an affliction.
Thanks for the story. And thanks for the star link.
Tesseract
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 12 Mar 2003 15:25:14 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
1) 2 positive comments
1) It was a remarkably entertaining story even though it falls into a category which I don't often appreciate, fantasy.
2) I bought the heroine's falling in lust with the mysterious stranger. This happens, but I always find it hard to portray.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
A) During one sex scene the tense changes repeatedly. I don't find that helpful in this context.
B) I think one (or two, in some sentences) day of forgetfulness doesn't fit in the "Universe." Now two years, or Orion being invisible in the nighttime, would be more consistent.
3) Try not to repeat!
Sorry. I only read the first few comments.
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c anon584c@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: Jim Butterfield
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 23:19:19 GMT
Good story; works well for me.
Grammatical style is a little unorthodox, but it's your style and it tells the story. Let others pick at the bits; I was never confused or misled as I read it. (No more than usual, anyway).
I can remember thinking, "If this is gonna be a sex story, she really should establish the sex of the narrator early." But I visualized female, so wasn't thrown off by any need to mentally transgender her. I did idly think, "A female camping alone might feel more vulnerable that a male; maybe such a reference might help identify the writer's sex early in the game."
... the ending still bugs the crap out of me ...
Maybe you should be more specific: is there a certain aspect of the ending that bothers you?
From my viewpoint, there's nothing wrong with the ending; it fits
nicely. Astronomical types might wonder where the writer ends up in the sky; she seems to be located somewhere around Monocerus, the unicorn, perhaps with a foot on the dog's head. Well, maybe I shouldn't look at the contemporary sky; fantasy can add constellations anywhere it likes.
Oh god, I'm off on an astronomy theme, and it's not even an area where I take a special interest. (But I have a neat astronomy program on my computer, and can't help playing.) Anyway: Canis Major (home of Sirius) is close by Orion; so if the big guy leaves for the day, how come the dawg stays around? Picky, picky, picky. Maybe Orion should keep the hound with him and leave a Great Bear to guard her? What the hell: you can't see stars during the day; maybe it doesn't matter. (But they're still there .. and even though you can't see them, maybe they can see you ... ).
Unworthy thought: "My hand is over Orion's heart ...". That might be Omega Orionis, but that's not too bright. Some of our low-minded readers might think only of Orion's belt, or the cluster of stars that dangle below it. Fie upon such thoughts, I say. <g>
Your first paragraph mentions February twice. Does the action happen in February? Seems likely, since that's when Orion shows to best advantage in the northern hemisphere. I suspect that you meant to indicate this; if so, the first two paragraphs could be reworked a little to clear it up.
- Jim
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From: PleaseCain
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 14 Mar 2003 02:29:56 GMT
This must have already been said, but it's a cool concept, the dream-lover appearing from out of nowhere, sweeping her off her feet, unexpected but just when she needs it most, kind of like in a good adventure story. Your storytelling tone is easy and natural, and it can be strengthened through thoughtful word-choice: it's much better to be conversational like you are, than to sound writerly and stiff, but there are repeating clears, crisps, Gods, moans and drivings that take up space from other words you could use to deepen your portrait. Katie already mentioned this point, but it's what struck the most for improvement.
As far as improving the conclusion, explain more why Orion is her 'favorite constellation': were those particular stars a comfort to her during some earlier trauma, were they pointed out to her by her father or grandfather who was a hunter, something like that. Why does that constellation bear particular significance to her? Why would it appear to her in human form at that moment? These are only ideas, meant to be helpful. I hope I read carefully enough.
This is an imaginative story, and those are always a pleasure to read. Thanks.
Cain
From: PleaseCain
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 14 Mar 2003 02:29:56 GMT
This must have already been said, but it's a cool concept, the dream-lover appearing from out of nowhere, sweeping her off her feet, unexpected but just when she needs it most, kind of like in a good adventure story. Your storytelling tone is easy and natural, and it can be strengthened through thoughtful word-choice: it's much better to be conversational like you are, than to sound writerly and stiff, but there are repeating clears, crisps, Gods, moans and drivings that take up space from other words you could use to deepen your portrait. Katie already mentioned this point, but it's what struck the most for improvement.
As far as improving the conclusion, explain more why Orion is her 'favorite constellation': were those particular stars a comfort to her during some earlier trauma, were they pointed out to her by her father or grandfather who was a hunter, something like that. Why does that constellation bear particular significance to her? Why would it appear to her in human form at that moment? These are only ideas, meant to be helpful. I hope I read carefully enough.
This is an imaginative story, and those are always a pleasure to read. Thanks.
Cain
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 20:53:05 -0600
On Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:45:51 -0500, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
When I first wrote this last year, I REALLY liked the premise. Still do. When I did research, it seemed to make even more sense. However, even a year later, the ending still bugs the crap out of me. I'm more than happy to have any comments come my way, but the ending is really where I am most concerned. Thanks guys!
I love the premise. It is a classic one, for sure - especially in the source myths.
One quick note: While I didn't get Rory's gender from the story itself until it was made clear during the sex scene, the codes left me no doubt about the situation. But up until Ryan shows up, I could easily have figured that Rory was a guy, and soon a girl would come along. A repeat, but I think that some reference early on to her gender would help.
As you asked about the ending, I agree, something about it bugs me too. As a positive, the ending completed the myth just fine. But as a sex story, I think that it needs more emphasis on the emotional impact of the choice - more length in covering the planned departure, and the intense mental wranging Rory must be facing. OK, that is probably applicable in any case. When it does come down to action, though, it needs more sex.
Maybe even fantasies about it? Her decision to go off with Ryan forever seems based on her understanding of his nature, and yet her basic rationality should be a major conflict point with that. The craziness of what she is going to do has to be way up there in her mind.
But the love, and sex, that has to play a part too. A dream, even a fantasy about Ryan - suitably played out in the tale - would make her obsession with him more clear. It requires something really intense to overcome the feeling that the whole thing is a dream.
Rory, going off forever with a near stranger, even a sexy and desirable one, would be making a big leap. The stranger being someone unhuman makes it even more of a leap, and the terror of the situation should play a part somewhere. After all, while gods can be nice when happy, what about if he turns angry? (It doesn't happen, but it is natural to have some worry about a negative outcome). Facing something clearly unnatural too should cause some worry.
Should she decide fully before going on, or hesitate, waiting to meet him and confront him before making the final decision? Should she so easily give up her life for an immortal love, without any further thought?
Stuff to think about. For a "modern" myth, ignoring the rational world, and the tendency to disbelieve in unreal things - which might be the result of mental problems rather than miracles - seems normal.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Naive
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 15:45:54 GMT
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Dryad's guidelines:
I'm more than happy to have any comments come my way, but the ending is really where I am most concerned.
Well let me just say that I think the story was right on the money. I really enjoyed the sex scenes they were sensual and mystical and I loved this part:
"As he did so, he whispered to me-ancient stories of stars, of myths, of lovers whose trysts lasted eons."
It has just the right feel for Gods and mortals. Classic, has the feeling of Zuse coming in as a shower of gold to entice a mortal to his bed. I'd say that you've got a new fan - me! I really enjoyed the work. And I love the swept away feel of it ... the emotion that you put into it comes through.
As far as suggestions I'd drop the last line. It seems to give it a contrite flippant feel unlike the rest of it. I think something like "The stars flew past me, I felt Ryan's searing touch, then we were one with the stars for eternity." Something more lasting then the offhandedness of the last line. As if a mortal would feel so unawed by the experience of becoming a God. But, I will agree that the end needs a touch-up just not much of one. I think that you lose the overwhelming feelings that surrounded all the rest of the story.
But that's just my 2 cents ;)
Naive
Naive
No quote yet ...
~place in quote here~
http://www.asstr.org/~naive/
From: Poison Ivan
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 00:10:29 -0500
Dryad,
First, I'd like to throw in a few "me toos." Katie's adverb point would be my biggest complaint. A lot of your adverbs can be excised with no loss to the story. Grammar problems others noticed, too. The prose reads choppy, probably because of the numerous comma errors. A strong proofreading pass would improve this story a lot.
By the way, I liked the Rory name and didn't have any trouble with it.
For my official remarks:
1. The 'confrontation' with the boss didn't ring true. It read like "work fantasy" in the way that many stories in ASS read like "sex fantasy." "Oh baby baby, you're are such a fine network administrator. Administrate me, administrate me again!"
2. I thought this rhythm in this particular passage became monotonous:
I set up the sparse camp, gathered some firewood, and brought some water from a nearby stream. I sat there, stirring the fire, watching the sun set and just letting go. As dusk settled, I took out a mug, and filled it with the water I had boiling over the fire. Put in a packet of Miso soup and settled back against a log as I let the steam tease my lips.
Four sentences in a row that are basically lists of three events each. I would like to see the sentence structures mixed up more.
Positives:
1. The mix of fantasy and reality was perfect for me. There were hints that something magical was happening, but it didn't overwhelm me. It'll be challenge to rewrite this story without losing the balance. If you change the ending, I hope you can find one with a similar amount of magic.
2. The first sex scene, especially once they get into the tent, is nice. A few minor grammar things to fix up, but I really liked the tactile descriptions - I got a sense of of what this sex feels like. So many sex scenes are purely visual, but this scene stimulates other senses, too.
So, the pace and basic framework are great, and there are a lot of strong passages. Polish the rest of it, and you'll have a winner on your hands.
Poison Ivan
From: Desdmona
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 00:11:37 -0500
Winter Nights (MF, Cons, Fantasy)
By Dryad
(gbbjg@yahoo.com)
Dryad~
I like this tale a lot. It's romantic on a celestial scale. The dreamy feel of your writing is perfect for this type of story. There's a real feel of nature on a grand scale. You're able to cover a lot of different fantasies: outdoor sex, sex with a stranger, sex with a God. And they all blend together very nicely.
I didn't have a problem with the names, although it's interesting as an after-the-fact thought that both names could be female or male, but I didn't have a problem while reading.
I also don't have a problem with the very end. For me, it's the last scene in the office that feels iffy. I'm trying to decide if it's even necessary at all. What does it add to the story? Rory could have had this epiphany about Ryan before she'd left the mountain, as she was driving home, or while she was unpacking. Maybe she flips on the weather channel and something unexplained has happened to the night sky. Experts are trying to figure out what's missing and Rory realizes it's her. I don't know. It just seems that the real story has already been told and going back to the office seems superfluous.
A lot of people have already addressed the things I might have mentioned - tense changes, capitalization mistakes and yes, adverbs. But I want to add a bit to something Katie said. It's about all the I's. One of the things that kept pulling me out of the story was all the "I felt ..." In nearly every case, these two words could have been dropped.
"I felt his arms encircle me ..." could be: His arms encircled me.
"I felt him begin to unbutton my shirt ..." could be: He unbuttoned my shirt.
"I felt him lift me up like a doll ..."
Well, you get the idea.
There's a really interesting and sexy story here, and yes a gratifying one. What woman wouldn't want to make love to a God? Or at least her ideal.
Thanks for sharing it with us!
Des
From: Naive
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 05:17:19 GMT
In article <v75dgllm4jrq64@news.supernews.com>, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote: <snip>
I also don't have a problem with the very end. For me, it's the last scene in the office that feels iffy. I'm trying to decide if it's even necessary at all. What does it add to the story? Rory could have had this epiphany about Ryan before she'd left the mountain, as she was driving home, or while she was unpacking. Maybe she flips on the weather channel and something unexplained has happened to the night sky. Experts are trying to figure out what's missing and Rory realizes it's her. I don't know. It just seems that the real story has already been told and going back to the office seems superfluous.
I think just the opposite I think that the scene is needed it shows the character that her wits were fuddled by Ryan and that she's now free of his influence. That makes her return to Ryan more profound; a true feeling in her and not some power that Ryan is using to influence her ... thus the surprise and relief from Ryan when she returns to him.
A lot of people have already addressed the things I might have mentioned - tense changes, capitalization mistakes and yes, adverbs. But I want to add a bit to something Katie said. It's about all the I's. One of the things that kept pulling me out of the story was all the "I felt ..." In nearly every case, these two words could have been dropped.
"I felt his arms encircle me ..." could be: His arms encircled me.
"I felt him begin to unbutton my shirt ..." could be: He unbuttoned my shirt.
"I felt him lift me up like a doll ..."
Well, you get the idea.
There's a really interesting and sexy story here, and yes a gratifying one. What woman wouldn't want to make love to a God? Or at least her ideal.
Thanks for sharing it with us!
Des
I will have to agree that there was a little too much self reference "I this ..." and "I that ..." but still a good piece of work.
Naive
Naive
No quote yet ...
~place in quote here~
http://www.asstr.org/~naive/
From: TML
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 14:01:35 -0600
In article <b4udv602f9u@enews4.newsguy.com>, "Poison Ivan" <poisoniv1@hotmail.com> wrote:
Dryad,
2. I thought this rhythm in this particular passage became monotonous:
I set up the sparse camp, gathered some firewood, and brought some water from a nearby stream. I sat there, stirring the fire, watching the sun set and just letting go. As dusk settled, I took out a mug, and filled it with the water I had boiling over the fire. Put in a packet of Miso soup and settled back against a log as I let the steam tease my lips.
Four sentences in a row that are basically lists of three events each. I would like to see the sentence structures mixed up more.
I LIKE the rhythm. I like the strong flow. It grabs me firmly. It lulls
the reader. It pulls the reader in.
And, in my mind, sets up the mood and mental state much better than
describing directly what was going on.
"Form follows function" and "ta-da, ta da-da" may be just what was
wanted.
Regards,
Tom
From: Dryad
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 15 Mar 2003 04:51:05 -0800
Hi Everyone!
As most of you know, i Google; so its possible i haven't gotten
everyones comments yet. So please forgive me if i don't focus on what
your comment was.
First, i know most of you aren't big on the fantasy genre ...so a special thanks for overlooking that and reading the story to begin with!
First; The main character's name, Rory. Would you believe, I've known 2 girls, and no boys with that name? It just never occurred to me that it would be a genderbender. (Yay FT!) I AM going to leave it rory ...But Gary mentioned early on (and i saw someone else mention that name) was Aurora ...fit into the whole sky concept; And lets face it, she doesn't SOUND like an Aurora, so the nickname would fit. I will fix the gender question early on though.
Next; I chose Sirius rather than a bear, because, lets face it ...a bear is just downright scary. i know I'd run!
February i think was important to me because its when i personally really notice Orion.
The end. sigh
You've given me some ideas to mull over; I like the idea that a couple
years have passed ...(mainly because i'm lazy and don't have to think
about tying off loose ends like work and material possessions laugh)
Might also think about the inner turmoil of giving up mortality. (i'm
thinking Ryan might say something about coming away with him, etc ...)
I'll go back through with the typing edits ...(thanks for the sharp eyes guys!)
I should be posting the rewrite in the very near future ...thanks everyone for the kind words!!!
hugs and snuzzles!
Dryad
"A story without comments is like sex without the orgasm!"
From: Tesseract
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 14 Mar 2003 23:21:57 -0800
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in message news:<un557vsd18j2vuramm3hd6ome2fbjaj2fn@4ax.com> ...
Hi wiseguy35@hotmail.com (Wiseguy),
On 14 Mar 2003 18:37:33 -0800 I noticed your interesting post:
Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<0hh17v8lm8ppcu02girfstvod0kg3rjgq4@4ax.com> ... On 13 Mar 2003 01:23:09 -0700, Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote ... name was spelled Lorelei, the traditional spelling. One lament of name tracking is that it is now fashionable in the USA to use a non-traditional spelling for names. Why, I don't know, the pronunciation doesn't change. But it is true).
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Oh, well.
I'm convinced there is a secret program going on where people try to screw up their children in subtle ways to make sure they will need psychiatric care when they are older. One of the ways found to be quite effective it to give as many children as possible the same name, but to spell it differently for each child. This way their school teachers will always be grumpy when they try to call upon them in class and the children will get confused when they try to learn how to spell their names. I seem to remember the following girls from my second grade class - Suzi, Suzee, Suze, Siouxi, Esusi, Susy, Suezee, and 27 other variations of the same name.
The interesting part was that all these people are boys who had the added burden of a sissy name so they ended up maladjusted and anti-social. No doubt this was part of the contest Texas and several other US States are having to see which state can execute the most criminals in a year. It's far thinking programs like the Name Game that will keep Texas' execution count far ahead of the competition, year after year. I'm mighty proud and so forth.
I could tell you that my real life name is Zathras, and my eleven brothers are named ...
Tesseract
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 10:45:38 GMT
"Katie McN" <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in message news:un557vsd18j2vuramm3hd6ome2fbjaj2fn@4ax.com ...
Hi wiseguy35@hotmail.com (Wiseguy),
On 14 Mar 2003 18:37:33 -0800 I noticed your interesting post:
Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<0hh17v8lm8ppcu02girfstvod0kg3rjgq4@4ax.com> ... On 13 Mar 2003 01:23:09 -0700, Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote ... name was spelled Lorelei, the traditional spelling. One lament of name tracking is that it is now fashionable in the USA to use a non-traditional spelling for names. Why, I don't know, the pronunciation doesn't change. But it is true).
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Oh, well.
I'm convinced there is a secret program going on where people try to screw up their children in subtle ways to make sure they will need psychiatric care when they are older. One of the ways found to be quite effective it to give as many children as possible the same name, but to spell it differently for each child. This way their school teachers will always be grumpy when they try to call upon them in class and the children will get confused when they try to learn how to spell their names. I seem to remember the following girls from my second grade class - Suzi, Suzee, Suze, Siouxi, Esusi, Susy, Suezee, and 27 other variations of the same name.
The interesting part was that all these people are boys who had the added burden of a sissy name so they ended up maladjusted and anti-social. No doubt this was part of the contest Texas and several other US States are having to see which state can execute the most criminals in a year. It's far thinking programs like the Name Game that will keep Texas' execution count far ahead of the competition, year after year. I'm mighty proud and so forth.
Just think of poor little me. How much fun do you think it was being a first grade boy named Chessley Meredith Grogan Jr.
cmsix
-
It's Me! Katie McN
<katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com>
Read My Stories at:
www.katie-mcn.com
From: suzee
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 15:34:05 GMT
Katie McN wrote:
I seem to remember the following girls from my second grade class - Suzi, Suzee, Suze, Siouxi, Esusi, Susy, Suezee, and 27 other variations of the same name.
The interesting part was that all these people are boys who had the added burden of a sissy name so they ended up maladjusted and anti-social.
Their parents must have been inspired by Johnny Cash's song. *
suzee
* A Boy Named Sue, for those of you not familiar with it. And no, I'm much older than the song ....
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 21:05:24 -0600
On 14 Mar 2003 18:37:33 -0800, wiseguy35@hotmail.com (Wiseguy) wrote:
Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<0hh17v8lm8ppcu02girfstvod0kg3rjgq4@4ax.com> ... On 13 Mar 2003 01:23:09 -0700, Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote ... name was spelled Lorelei, the traditional spelling. One lament of name tracking is that it is now fashionable in the USA to use a non-traditional spelling for names. Why, I don't know, the pronunciation doesn't change. But it is true).
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
On the radio - perhaps inspired by some news article about this stuff - people were calling in with "hall of shame" rotten names parents have given children. Picking names to spell out words with initials, really odd names, especially puns or gender-bending ones, things like that.
Name spelling was never solid. Since most names have more than one cultural basis, there is more than one true way to spell each of them. There is no dictionary of names to indicate how they should be spelled.
Some of the "new" spellings are purely invented, not taken from any tradition. The traditional names are confusing enough - my own has several common spellings, given at least three cultural roots/language sources, plus neo spellings to add who knows how many more.
Fads are a hazard in naming. Finding names which aren't on the top 20 list which people will still recognize as names isn't easy.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Tesseract
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 15 Mar 2003 21:25:51 -0800
wiseguy35@hotmail.com (Wiseguy) wrote in message news:<b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com> ...
Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<0hh17v8lm8ppcu02girfstvod0kg3rjgq4@4ax.com> ... On 13 Mar 2003 01:23:09 -0700, Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote ... name was spelled Lorelei, the traditional spelling. One lament of name tracking is that it is now fashionable in the USA to use a non-traditional spelling for names. Why, I don't know, the pronunciation doesn't change. But it is true).
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Oh, well.
You shouldn't pick the bottom twenty either.
Tesseract
From: Tesseract
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 15 Mar 2003 21:36:05 -0800
wiseguy35@hotmail.com (Wiseguy) wrote in message news:<b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com> ...
Jeff Zephyr <jeffzeph@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<0hh17v8lm8ppcu02girfstvod0kg3rjgq4@4ax.com> ... On 13 Mar 2003 01:23:09 -0700, Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net> wrote ... name was spelled Lorelei, the traditional spelling. One lament of name tracking is that it is now fashionable in the USA to use a non-traditional spelling for names. Why, I don't know, the pronunciation doesn't change. But it is true).
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Oh, well.
And think very, very, very carefully before picking a name that is not on the list.
Tesseract
From: Kelli Halliburton
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 09:37:29 GMT
Tesseract wrote:
And think very, very, very carefully before picking a name that is not on the list.
I always thought that Grmblftz would be an excellent name, though!
From: Conjugate
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 23:46:59 -0700
"Kelli Halliburton" <kelli217@crosswinds.not> wrote in message news:tBXca.2178$Tr2.131314862@newssvr15.news.prodigy.com ...
Tesseract wrote:
And think very, very, very carefully before picking a name that is not on the list.
I always thought that Grmblftz would be an excellent name, though!
And there are two legendary Dallas socialites, named Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg.
Nobody has named their offspring Gondwootlebeezer, though, despite my urging.
Conjugate
From: Selena Jardine
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 18 Mar 2003 08:56:47 -0800
"Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net> wrote in message news:<v7dfqvg7n83v85@corp.supernews.com> ...
"Kelli Halliburton" <kelli217@crosswinds.not> wrote in message news:tBXca.2178$Tr2.131314862@newssvr15.news.prodigy.com ... Tesseract wrote:
And think very, very, very carefully before picking a name that is not on the list.
I always thought that Grmblftz would be an excellent name, though!
And there are two legendary Dallas socialites, named Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg.
Nobody has named their offspring Gondwootlebeezer, though, despite my urging.
Conjugate
I can't imagine why not. Gondwootlebeezer still haunts me as the perfect name. I'm going to use it in a story one day, see if I don't.
Selena
still with Jesus Liszt in her hopper
selenajardine@yahoo_com
From: Desdmona
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 08:21:16 -0500
"Wiseguy" <wiseguy35@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com ...
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Having worked as long as I have in an intensive care nursery where people are naming their babies, I can tell you that there are a percentage of parents that have thought out the baby name to the inth degree and know exactly what they're doing when they choose their names. But there are just as many parents who have no clue. They choose names because of how they sound. They spell them as they sound, or sometimes they ask how to spell them. There have been parents who want to name their baby, Meconium (which is the name for a baby's first bowel movement) and one mother who thought Dee-air-ee-uh was a nice name, she ended up spelling it Diarrhea. Luckily, we were able to talk her out of that one, but I can't even count how many mothers have wanted to name their baby, Chlamydia. Unfortunately, a large percentage of them had first heard the name in their pre-delivery care.
So, in my mind, when I might have to care for a baby for weeks &/or months, I'd rather call it Ashley, spelled a gazillion ways, rather than having to call it by a body part or disease. But when I'm helping one of my kids fill out their Valentines for school, I really wish all the Ashleys were spelled the same.
Des
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 14:17:57 GMT
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:v78un1hg114v3a@news.supernews.com ...
"Wiseguy" <wiseguy35@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com ...
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Having worked as long as I have in an intensive care nursery where people are naming their babies, I can tell you that there are a percentage of parents that have thought out the baby name to the inth degree and know exactly what they're doing when they choose their names. But there are just as many parents who have no clue. They choose names because of how they sound. They spell them as they sound, or sometimes they ask how to spell them. There have been parents who want to name their baby, Meconium (which is the name for a baby's first bowel movement) and one mother who thought Dee-air-ee-uh was a nice name, she ended up spelling it Diarrhea. Luckily, we were able to talk her out of that one, but I can't even count how many mothers have wanted to name their baby, Chlamydia. Unfortunately, a large percentage of them had first heard the name in their pre-delivery care.
So, in my mind, when I might have to care for a baby for weeks &/or months, I'd rather call it Ashley, spelled a gazillion ways, rather than having to call it by a body part or disease. But when I'm helping one of my kids fill out their Valentines for school, I really wish all the Ashleys were spelled the same.
In another life I was married to a teacher. I promise you that she had a student named Nosmo King. It was the last thing the mother remembered as she was pushed, on a gurney, through the emergency room door.
cmsix
Des
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: 16 Mar 2003 17:11:21 GMT
hi, cmsix!
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:v78un1hg114v3a@news.supernews.com ...
"Wiseguy" <wiseguy35@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com ...
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Having worked as long as I have in an intensive care nursery where people are naming their babies, I can tell you that there are a percentage of parents that have thought out the baby name to the inth degree and know exactly what they're doing when they choose their names. But there are just as many parents who have no clue. They choose names because of how they sound. They spell them as they sound, or sometimes they ask how to spell them. There have been parents who want to name their baby, Meconium (which is the name for a baby's first bowel movement) and one mother who thought Dee-air-ee-uh was a nice name, she ended up spelling it Diarrhea. Luckily, we were able to talk her out of that one, but I can't even count how many mothers have wanted to name their baby, Chlamydia. Unfortunately, a large percentage of them had first heard the name in their pre-delivery care.
So, in my mind, when I might have to care for a baby for weeks &/or months, I'd rather call it Ashley, spelled a gazillion ways, rather than having to call it by a body part or disease. But when I'm helping one of my kids fill out their Valentines for school, I really wish all the Ashleys were spelled the same.
In another life I was married to a teacher. I promise you that she had a student named Nosmo King. It was the last thing the mother remembered as she was pushed, on a gurney, through the emergency room door.
"Royal (call me 'Bud') Kenton Spooner III" If you're out there, Bud, please tell us if there is an "R.K. Spooner IV."
Inheriting an "unusual" name is the likeliest way to perpetuate old usages. Being named after the "No Smoking" sign is novel.
Being named after a memorable place of conception gives us names like Wyoming Smith, Rennsalier (sp?) Jones, Howard Johnson Davis, Tercel Washington ...
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners never die; they just wallow in sunken tubs."
<I>"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays </I>
From: Kenny N Gamera
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 14:16:57 -0500
On 16 Mar 2003 17:11:21 GMT, pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed (Gary Jordan) wrote:
Being named after a memorable place of conception gives us names like Wyoming Smith, Rennsalier (sp?) Jones, Howard Johnson Davis, Tercel Washington ...
There was a major league ball player whose father wanted to name him after the commander of the German POW camp he was held in, but not knowing his first name he named his son ...Von Hayes.
Thank You and Good Day,
Kenny N Gamera
turtlemeat69@hotmail.com
From: Katie McN
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 19:44:22 GMT
Hi Kenny N Gamera <turtlemeat69@hotmail.com>,
On Sun, 16 Mar 2003 14:16:57 -0500 I noticed your interesting post:
On 16 Mar 2003 17:11:21 GMT, pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed (Gary Jordan) wrote:
Being named after a memorable place of conception gives us names like Wyoming Smith, Rennsalier (sp?) Jones, Howard Johnson Davis, Tercel Washington ...
There was a major league ball player whose father wanted to name him after the commander of the German POW camp he was held in, but not knowing his first name he named his son ...Von Hayes.
Texas being the biggest state has taken the "mess up your child's life with a crap name" game to a new level by insisting on naming children after two or three people who might mention them in their wills. We end up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
It's Me! Katie McN
<katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com>
Read My Stories at:
www.katie-mcn.com
From: oosh
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC)
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
O.
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:47:54 GMT
"oosh" <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote in message news:Xns9341266E7D7Booshgmxnet@217.32.252.50 ...
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
I think one was Moon Unit, and the other Dweezil.
cmsix
O.
From: Katie McN
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:58:03 GMT
Hi oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net>,
On Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC) I noticed your interesting post:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
Moon Unit Zappa is an artist, actor, author and performed on a duet with her father for a Top 20 Song hit called Valley Girls. She was not noted for her singing ability, but more for her ability to sound like a Valley Girl. (For sure. Gag me with a spoon. Etc.)
Dweezil Zappa and his brother Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa have done variety of things in music to include having various bands and also scoring TV shows and things like that.
Diva Zappa is a photo and performance artist, actor, sort of a musician and makes most of her money selling her knitting.
None of these names qualifies as a native Texan name since the children were not named for wealthy relatives. Each name has a story, but I doubt that too many people would care so I'll keep quiet.
BTW in this same thread I inadvertently said that Texas was the biggest state. This is true is one doesn't count the late-comer states. It could be the Hawaii or one of them other states might be bigger. I took a geography course at Sam Houston Institute of Technology where we learned that the new states were suspect since they weren't really in America so we more or less avoided talking about them. If fact, when we got around to the part of class where the new states were going to be covered, we spent the time reviewing creationism and other faith based incentives.
It's Me! Katie McN
<katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com>
Read My Stories at:
www.katie-mcn.com
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 18:59:47 -0600
On Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC), oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
Dweezil and Moon Unit.
In Hollywood, I think that those can be considered normal names.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 04:18:25 GMT
"lixdw1192" <lixdw1192@mailman.com.au> wrote in message news:665b6a85.0303161924.33183cdf@posting.google.com ...
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote: Hi Kenny N Gamera <turtlemeat69@hotmail.com>, On 16 Mar 2003 17:11:21 GMT, (Gary Jordan) wrote:
Being named after a memorable place of conception gives us names like Wyoming Smith, Rennsalier (sp?) Jones, Howard Johnson Davis, Tercel Washington ...
There was a major league ball player whose father wanted to name him after the commander of the German POW camp he was held in, but not knowing his first name he named his son ...Von Hayes.
Texas being the biggest state has taken the "mess up your child's life with a crap name" game to a new level by insisting on naming children after two or three people who might mention them in their wills. We end up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
rofl, isn't Texas also the state where Governor Hogg named one of his daughters Ima? (I was told to ignore the embellishment he named another daughter Ura.)
No, it was governor Nate that named his daughter Ura.
cmsix
Parents, a child's worst nightmare,
Lix
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From: suzee
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 05:00:54 GMT
lixdw1192 wrote:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote: Hi Kenny N Gamera <turtlemeat69@hotmail.com>, On 16 Mar 2003 17:11:21 GMT, (Gary Jordan) wrote:
Being named after a memorable place of conception gives us names like Wyoming Smith, Rennsalier (sp?) Jones, Howard Johnson Davis, Tercel Washington ...
There was a major league ball player whose father wanted to name him after the commander of the German POW camp he was held in, but not knowing his first name he named his son ...Von Hayes.
Texas being the biggest state has taken the "mess up your child's life with a crap name" game to a new level by insisting on naming children after two or three people who might mention them in their wills. We end up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
rofl, isn't Texas also the state where Governor Hogg named one of his daughters Ima? (I was told to ignore the embellishment he named another daughter Ura.)
Parents, a child's worst nightmare,
Thought it was Alabama or Arkansas ....
suzee
From: PeeJ
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 01:23:53 +0000 (UTC)
Nosmo King was the stage name of a one-time member of Bud Flanagan and Chas Allen's Crazy Gang (probably the forerunner of the Brat Pack), a very popular comic act on the London stage of the late 30s and 40s. Nosmo got his name from seeing it on the double doors to a billiard hall, or so legend has it.
The Crazy Gang were noted for their antics. They would hold a party then sit an effigy of an old woman with her knickers round her ankles on every available toilet. Those needing to go would open the door and seeing the seated old lady would apologise hurriedly and close the door, causing lines of people waiting to go. On another occasion they made themselves look like surveyors and stopped the traffic in Piccadilly while making a show of measuring the width of the road. Having stretched the tape from one side to another, they then asked a member of the public to hold each end and then they scarpered leaving the traffic stopped and their unwitting helpers having to explain to the police why they had brought London to a standstill.
Flanagan and Allen were also wrote songs which became very popular, some of which are still familiar today. These include 'Underneath the Arches' (Charing Cross Bridge), 'Maybe it's Because I'm a Londoner', and 'Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler', the theme tune of TV's 'Dads' Army', one of the great BBC classic comedy series.
PeeJ
"cmsix" <cmsix@DONTSPAMMEcmsix.com> wrote in message news:pI%ca.3096$pK4.347758@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net ...
In another life I was married to a teacher. I promise you that she had a student named Nosmo King. It was the last thing the mother remembered as she was pushed, on a gurney, through the emergency room door.
cmsix
From: Conjugate
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 23:48:47 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:v78un1hg114v3a@news.supernews.com ...
"Wiseguy" <wiseguy35@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:b618ad20.0303141837.e2b47ae@posting.google.com ...
I'm convinced that modern parents are just too damned lazy (or perhaps ignorant) to look up the name and see how it's spelled. So they saddle their poor kids with 15 different ways to spell Ashley, Brianna, Megan, and Caitlyn. My daughter has about 5 friends named Megan (or Meagan or Meghan or Maigyn) and all but one of them goes by either her middle name or a nickname because they hate being stuck with a fad name. When my wife and I were coming up with baby names, we looked at current lists like the ones Uther found and made damn sure we didn't use a name from the top 20.
Having worked as long as I have in an intensive care nursery where people are naming their babies, I can tell you that there are a percentage of parents that have thought out the baby name to the inth degree and know exactly what they're doing when they choose their names. But there are just as many parents who have no clue. They choose names because of how they sound. They spell them as they sound, or sometimes they ask how to spell them. There have been parents who want to name their baby, Meconium (which is the name for a baby's first bowel movement) and one mother who thought Dee-air-ee-uh was a nice name, she ended up spelling it Diarrhea. Luckily, we were able to talk her out of that one, but I can't even count how many mothers have wanted to name their baby, Chlamydia. Unfortunately, a large percentage of them had first heard the name in their pre-delivery care.
Years ago, I knew a student named Taquila. The rumor (out of her hearing) was that her parents were trying to commemorate the agency of her conception.
Conjugate
has no room to talk here, perhaps?
From: suzee
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 02:26:48 GMT
Katie McN wrote:
Hi oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net>,
On Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC) I noticed your interesting post:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
Moon Unit Zappa is an artist, actor, author and performed on a duet with her father for a Top 20 Song hit called Valley Girls. She was not noted for her singing ability, but more for her ability to sound like a Valley Girl. (For sure. Gag me with a spoon. Etc.)
Dweezil Zappa and his brother Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa have done variety of things in music to include having various bands and also scoring TV shows and things like that.
Diva Zappa is a photo and performance artist, actor, sort of a musician and makes most of her money selling her knitting.
None of these names qualifies as a native Texan name since the children were not named for wealthy relatives. Each name has a story, but I doubt that too many people would care so I'll keep quiet.
BTW in this same thread I inadvertently said that Texas was the biggest state. This is true is one doesn't count the late-comer states. It could be the Hawaii or one of them other states might be bigger. I took a geography course at Sam Houston Institute of Technology where we learned that the new states were suspect since they weren't really in America so we more or less avoided talking about them. If fact, when we got around to the part of class where the new states were going to be covered, we spent the time reviewing creationism and other faith based incentives.
I believe it's Alaska that has more square miles than Texas. Although, if you count the water between the islands, it could well be Hawaii ... Texas still remains the largest of the 49 contiguous United States.
suzee
From: cmsix
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 02:35:30 GMT
"suzee" <suzeeq@nidlink.com> wrote in message news:b68ef8722e4f974fb8bb56d5a5f39190@news.teranews.com ...
Katie McN wrote:
Hi oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net>,
On Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC) I noticed your interesting post:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
Moon Unit Zappa is an artist, actor, author and performed on a duet with her father for a Top 20 Song hit called Valley Girls. She was not noted for her singing ability, but more for her ability to sound like a Valley Girl. (For sure. Gag me with a spoon. Etc.)
Dweezil Zappa and his brother Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa have done variety of things in music to include having various bands and also scoring TV shows and things like that.
Diva Zappa is a photo and performance artist, actor, sort of a musician and makes most of her money selling her knitting.
None of these names qualifies as a native Texan name since the children were not named for wealthy relatives. Each name has a story, but I doubt that too many people would care so I'll keep quiet.
BTW in this same thread I inadvertently said that Texas was the biggest state. This is true is one doesn't count the late-comer states. It could be the Hawaii or one of them other states might be bigger. I took a geography course at Sam Houston Institute of Technology where we learned that the new states were suspect since they weren't really in America so we more or less avoided talking about them. If fact, when we got around to the part of class where the new states were going to be covered, we spent the time reviewing creationism and other faith based incentives.
I believe it's Alaska that has more square miles than Texas. Although, if you count the water between the islands, it could well be Hawaii ... Texas still remains the largest of the 49 contiguous United States.
48
cmsix
suzee
From: suzee
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 02:56:09 GMT
cmsix wrote:
"suzee" <suzeeq@nidlink.com> wrote in message news:b68ef8722e4f974fb8bb56d5a5f39190@news.teranews.com ... Katie McN wrote:
Hi oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net>,
On Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:14:05 +0000 (UTC) I noticed your interesting post:
Katie McN <katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com> wrote in news:q5l97v44mmblt73tsrakkgcrj50srsg943@4ax.com:
We end
up with cool names like Marshmellina Sissy-Sue Ledbetter and so forth.
What were Frank Zappa's children called?
Moon Unit Zappa is an artist, actor, author and performed on a duet with her father for a Top 20 Song hit called Valley Girls. She was not noted for her singing ability, but more for her ability to sound like a Valley Girl. (For sure. Gag me with a spoon. Etc.)
Dweezil Zappa and his brother Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa have done variety of things in music to include having various bands and also scoring TV shows and things like that.
Diva Zappa is a photo and performance artist, actor, sort of a musician and makes most of her money selling her knitting.
None of these names qualifies as a native Texan name since the children were not named for wealthy relatives. Each name has a story, but I doubt that too many people would care so I'll keep quiet.
BTW in this same thread I inadvertently said that Texas was the biggest state. This is true is one doesn't count the late-comer states. It could be the Hawaii or one of them other states might be bigger. I took a geography course at Sam Houston Institute of Technology where we learned that the new states were suspect since they weren't really in America so we more or less avoided talking about them. If fact, when we got around to the part of class where the new states were going to be covered, we spent the time reviewing creationism and other faith based incentives.
I believe it's Alaska that has more square miles than Texas. Although, if you count the water between the islands, it could well be Hawaii ... Texas still remains the largest of the 49 contiguous United States.
48
DOH!!!! I should only use the number pad, not the keys above the letters. Can you spell typo? ;(
suzee
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From: Katie McN
Re: Winter Nights, by Dryad
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 15:45:42 GMT
Hi Dryad and Desdmona!
Thanks, Dryad, for submitting you story:
to the Fishtank.
On Mon, 10 Mar 2003 07:45:51 -0500 I noticed your interesting post:
Thoughts on the ending:
You might consider writing in a way that suggests the two main characters transcend normal human life. They are something else at the end of the story. Writing in a way that suggests the new condition might strengthen the ending. This is done in Greek tragedy and in science fiction stories where a greater life form is portrayed.
I like the story premise and feel you handled a challenging story idea in a way that kept me interested; didn't violate the way suspension of disbelief should be used in fiction; and, offered an interesting combination of human and godlike behavior.
You made good use of foreshadowing. You provide a variety of clues to the true nature of the male character and also to what will happen at the end of the story. Yet, I didn't see it coming until you were ready to reveal these elements so I found myself saying, "Yes, she hinted at this, but I didn't see it." I love it when this happens. ;-)
Mark Twain said that the adverb was the enemy of the verb. You use many adverbs in your story and I think this detracts from your writing. When I edit I search for 'ly' and question each occupance. Can I replace a verb and adverb pair with a stronger verb? Do I even need the adverb?
I find that the extensive use of adverbs weakens your writing and diminishes its impact.
There are other problems with the excessive reliance on adverbs. One problem is the over use of a particular word. In this case the word 'softly' is used many times in the story to include at least one case where it is found in two sentences that occur one right after the next. The word became 'obvious' to me after I saw it a number of time and then it was a distraction.
Sometimes the author relies on adverbs to make her points and the result might produce an impossible situation or meaningless phrase such as this one from the story:
" ... and he smiled quietly."
This is not really an impossible situation, I guess. Smiles are always quiet to my knowledge, but the phrase took my mind off the story when I wondered why the words were used and what was meant by the phrase.
Over reliance on adverbs can cause difficulties in reading which is how I found that last word in this sentence:
"He leaned low, his head down and flicked his tongue against a nipple then sucked it into his mouth and worried it with his teeth raking the silky skin around it with his teeth as well occasionally."
I suggest you look at the use of every adverb in the story and see if there is a better alternative.
Five of the first six paragraphs and a number of other paragraphs in your story start with the word 'I'. You might consider giving the story some variation by starting some of the paragraphs in different ways. Just looking at the first page of the story made me nervous when I saw 'I' starting so many paragraphs and no dialog to speak of for quite a distance into the story. Sometimes this is a clue to me and other readers that we won't care for a story.
It's Me! Katie McN
<katie@katie-mcnNOSPAM.com>
Read My Stories at:
www.katie-mcn.com