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From: Katie McN
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 17:34:18 GMT
Hi Larry and "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com>,
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400 I noticed your interesting post:
Our FishTank schedule looks like this:
April 15 Larry Sweet
April 22 Open
April 29 Open
Anyone out there with a submission they've been putting off? Now's a great
time to take the plunge!
*******************************************
The following is a first time submission by Larry Sweet. He's just joining
the FishTank. Let's welcome him. His submission is the first two chapters of
a story. It is 2,863 words in length. FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
FishTank stories and comments are being stored at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
Any questions may be directed to me at: me@desdmona.com or
Desdmona22@aol.com.
********************************************
The Tick
By Larry Sweet
Chapter One
Your story is told in a very light conversational style with enough
detail for me to see your Park Ranger as a middle aged guy who has a
slight tummy, thinning hair and probably enjoys a good laugh with the
boys when he joins them someplace to watch Monday Night football. I get
the idea his wife would think it okay for him to have the occasional
night out and might even join him from time to time. It's very enjoyable
for me to be able to see characters so clearly and you did a great job
with this.
Taking on a MF Rom almost vanilla theme where the characters are middle
aged is asking for a challenge which is what writers should try to do
from time to time. You picked a good theme to explore and came up with a
nice variation on "middle age folks who've been having the same kind of
sex for a long time and really need to do something to spark things up a
bit."
I feel your story should open in a different place or your opening
paragraph should be modified quite a bit it you are going to continue
using it.
I've been a Park Ranger for over 20 years. Been married for nearly 27 years.
Both have been relatively quiet, which is fine by me - life dramas I do not
need. Recently I had been assigned to a remote facility working by myself.
While my wife was not happy with my being gone three days at a whack, I was
enjoying the time to myself. At this time of year I could go days between
encounters with people out here.
Modern fiction tries to open a story with a strong hook. The points you
start your story with are interesting, but you make it difficult to get
into them with the structure of the sentences. Notice how many times the
word 'been' is used. It appears that every sentence in the opening
paragraph uses a compound verb of some sort. Nothing wrong with using
compound verbs, auxiliaries, more formal tenses and the like, but I
would have preferred to see some stronger ideas using more straight
forward phrasing. In fact, opening your story elsewhere and giving us
the background on your narrator as you show us more about your main
theme is something I feel could strengthen the story.
What if you started the story at the place where the guy decided to drop
his pants before his wife changed her mind about giving him a blow job
in his office? You could work the rest of the information in as you went
along. In fact, if you gave the reader the picture of a guy ready to go
with his wife kneeling down in front of him and then went off to cover
some back story, you might build up tension in the opening and 'force'
the reader to find out how this all came about and where it was going.
The other point that troubles me with your story is the ending. I like
the part about the wife giving the guy a blow job in the office. A lot
of people fantasize about sex in the office and this is fun to see in a
story. And, having a woman show up with the problem you mention which
results in her doing a strip tease and finally some sex acts was fun
even though a bit far fetched. The story ends at this point and left me
unsatisfied.
I would like to see the two stories somehow combined. Maybe the second
woman is a friend of his wife and the wife sent her over with the
thought their sex lives needed some spark. The wife could make an
appearance at the end of the story and challenge him about having sex
with the other woman. After he got to sweat it out for a few minutes,
she would let him know it was a setup and then ask him if he'd like to
try a threesome with her. In any event, there are a lot of options to
tie the two stories together, raise the tension level and end the story
with a bang. I think you should try to revise the ending to achieve some
of this.
Thanks for posting a fun story. I enjoyed reading it and hope to see
more from you in the future.
It's Me Katie McN
Read My Stories at:
www.asstr.org/~Katie_McN/
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 13:44:18 -0500
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com>
wrote:
I like the whole comfortable marriage and settled life with happy
(if not honeymoonish) sex in it. It could be better, or at least more
energetic, but they seem like a happy couple, having sex for fun and
getting along, and that is better than a lot of people do (sigh).
The tick lady is rather interesting. A perfect setup for seduction,
and by the time that the intent is clear the situation is already past
the point of no return. I do think that he could have quit, but it
would be a lot to expect from him in that situation. Something along
the lines of "it isn't cheating if you are practically raped," or
something like that.
Minor nit: OK, probably not relevant to the story but I was
imagining that a certain humorous superhero from a cartoon show might
appear :-) I don't know, maybe you just need to mention that there is
no reference to the hero "The Tick" whatsoever in the tale?
While they seem to have a "comfortable status quo" sexual lifestyle
(and in other ways), I just can't see that the enthusiastic sort of
sex shown for the birthday wouldn't have happened often when younger.
Nor does it seem to be so obvious that they'd fall into a "rut" of
comfort when the occasional bit of extra effort pays off so well. One
or both would have to decide not to bring up the issue, or if it
came up, they'd have blown it off and let things slide.
Not sure, just a feeling that one or both would find the situation
less than ideal, and would say something about it. Certainly, his
job's separation periods would entail plenty of time to think about
sex, and "recharge" for their reunions. If that doesn't happen, you'd
think that there'd be some frustration, a feeling that one wants sex
more than the other, or that the timing just doesn't line up right
between them?
The ending foreshadows a sequel :-) No problem there. But I think
that well before the end, he'd have hit a point where he'd realize
that he'd have to tell his wife, or NOT tell her, well before the
final activity. Maybe his brain is fogged with sex, some men do get
that way. But usually, the compulsive desire doesn't entirely blot
out thought, and that is one really serious thought for a guy who
considered, but never would have sex with another woman. "fooling
around is not my style," he says, and when it happens I think that
would be an up front reaction. He'd think about how bad it was, but
of course - since the story goes that way - go ahead anyway.
The conflicted thoughts at the end just need a bit more detail.
Not a suggestion, just a comment: an encounter like that is the
sort of thing where I'd ignore the advice not to mention it. It is
too wild not to share, too amazing an experience, and it is not
worth feeling guilty for doing it with no hope for forgiveness.
Putting off telling the story is only going to make it feel worse.
OTOH, that is only my take on infidelity. Not everyone agrees,
otherwise more "cheaters" would tell their mates about their other
partners, and either end the relationship or open it up long before
the explosion when finally found out. OTGH - some mates just don't
seem to care about it (not openly discussed or officially accepted,
but they still know). Or at least they don't want to break up over
the issue.
But a pretty woman coming in for help with a "tick in her vagina is
just too unusual, too exciting, too much not to share with someone who
might find it funny and exciting. Any anger is worth risking in order
to share such a good experience together.
The story doesn't have to say whether he kept quiet or not. Just my
thought that I definitely wouldn't keep quiet if it happened to me.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/
For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 15 Apr 2002 14:02:05 -0700
Larry
I'll be honest from the off. This story isn't at all the kind of story
I enjoy reading and it hasn't convinced me that I should investigate
more of the same kind.
But my opinions are based on a prejudice on subject, perspective and a
curious "squickiness" about stories told from the point of view of
genital organs. But that does not mean your story is not good and I
shall attempt to be objective about it.
I liked the symmetry of the two chapters. The first one was about a
blowjob, involving a mouth and a penis. The second was about
fingerfucking, involving a finger and a vagina.
I liked the depiction of the relationship between the Park Ranger and
his wife. It was clear that though the sex had gone out of the
relationship, there was still some love in it. It's not a kind of
relationship I can really relate to, but I suppose it's good that the
love can so outlast the sexual passion (I guess).
I didn't like the depiction of the sex scenes at all. Maybe it's
because whenever I watch a porn video, I go fast-forward at this
point. Why is it thought to be sexy to read about or describe the
perineum or whatever? However, people do, I think. However, for me
there was too much "cum", too many grunts and groans and too much of
this being the best fucking fuck ever (kind of stuff).
I really wasn't convinced by the end at all. Perhaps my fantasies are
different to yours, but if I were an attractive woman with "lean, good
muscle tone" I don't think I'd be so grateful for a three minute fuck.
If this happened to me it wouldn't be "what just happened probably
saved my marriage", it would give me very good cause to rush to the
bathroom to clean out the muck. (And maybe then I might call the
police.)
But since so many readers like this kind of stuff, I'm probably way
out on a limb here.
Well done anyway for daring to face the spotlight. And I'm sure the
right reviewer will adore this story.
Best of luck,
Bradley Stoke
From: Nick
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:21:31 GMT
I assume there never was a tick. I liked that idea, partly because it
reminded me of when I was a lad. After a camping trip I noticed a
little black spot on my penis, - right on the glans. I thought it was
a scab from too much wanking, but after two weeks it was still there,
and it itched like hell. On closer inspection in the bath, I spotted
the six tiny legs, and set about detaching it. Well, it hung on like
buggery, but I finally got it (her!?) off me.
I think that was my first blow job!
Positive 2
I quite liked the amount of liquid.
Improver 1
This is very densely written. The paragraphs were long, and did not
even break with the dialogue. This makes it had to read.
Improver 2
I've never heard of a 2 chapter story (cue for myriad examples), and I
didn't see the connection between them, except for the volume of cum.
It would work as part of a longer story entitled something like 'The
Exploits of a Park Ranger', but it was called 'The Tick'
From: Conjugate
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 20:51:49 -0400
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message
news:ubll59l4401268@news.supernews.com ...
Our FishTank schedule looks like this:
*******************************************
The following is a first time submission by Larry Sweet. He's just joining
the FishTank. Let's welcome him. His submission is the first two chapters
of
a story. It is 2,863 words in length. FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
I liked it, overall. I thought it was about right in length, and the sex
was good. The descriptions of the sensations of the ranger were very nice.
That's my two positive comments. Now, the two suggestions for improvement:
I think you should have somebody check your punctuation or else you need to
proofread it a bit more carefully yourself. For instance, there's a comma
splice:
My marriage to Cathy was comfortable, there were not a lot of demands
placed
on either of us.
That's not dialogue, even though it is in the protagonist's voice, so I
would prefer that the comma be replaced by a period or perhaps an em-dash.
Similarly, we have:
didn't want to put her off so I just smile, panted deeply and breathed
that
That should be "smiled," with a "d" at the end. These aren't bad things,
just distracting for the reader.
The second thing to improve, and this is not strictly speaking a criticism,
is that you should write more. How is it the woman knows he's married? How
is chapter 2 related to chapter 1? If he doesn't tell his wife about this,
will she find out, or perhaps does she know already? Will the mysterious
woman return to his wife and say, "Yeah, he fucked me. Pay up!" or
something? Or will his wife say to her, "Thanks; I hope that keeps him from
asking me for anything nasty for another year," or, well, you get the idea.
Finally, for some reason, I feel that "park ranger" should be lower-case
unless it's used as a title. "Excuse me, Park Ranger Jones, but is that a
python in your pants or are you just glad to see me?" But I'm cheating
blatantly now; that's a third nitpick.
Thank you for letting us see your story, and please write some more.
Conjugate
From: dennyw
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 12:16:23 -0700
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:21:31 GMT, nick_cassandra@yahoo.co.uk (Nick)
held forth, saying:
Improver 2
I've never heard of a 2 chapter story (cue for myriad examples), and I
didn't see the connection between them, except for the volume of cum.
It would work as part of a longer story entitled something like 'The
Exploits of a Park Ranger', but it was called 'The Tick'
erm. Nick. Des said, in her posting of it, "His submission is the
first two chapters of a story."
-denny-
nocturnal curmudgeon, editor
Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long
From: Nick
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 22:13:37 GMT
On Tue, 16 Apr 2002 12:16:23 -0700,
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote:
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:21:31 GMT, nick_cassandra@yahoo.co.uk (Nick)
held forth, saying:
Improver 2
I've never heard of a 2 chapter story (cue for myriad examples), and I
didn't see the connection between them, except for the volume of cum.
It would work as part of a longer story entitled something like 'The
Exploits of a Park Ranger', but it was called 'The Tick'
erm. Nick. Des said, in her posting of it, "His submission is the
first two chapters of a story."
Sorry, missed that bit (and probably the connection). Strike the first
clause.
Nick
From: jane
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 16 Apr 2002 23:06:29 -0700
"
The following is a first time submission by Larry Sweet. He's just joining
the FishTank. Let's welcome him. His submission is the first two chapters of
a story.
suspense is no small accomplishment .... im not quite sure how larry
pulls it off, but he left me very curious how the woman knows his
cathy, what she has in mind for her treasure trove of sperm, and how
the drowning of the tick could possibly save a rocky marriage ... in
spite of all the carelessness i note below, larry managed not only to
be readable, but, saints preserve us, interesting ... bravo ... i
wonder what chapter three will bring ...
its an ingenious seduction, the drowning of a tick ... im not sure
whether that adds to the eroticism of the situation, because there's
no real reason to believe the service would not have been performed
for just the "wiggle," "the great legs," the pulled down shorts and
panties, or the disappearing bra and shirt, not to mention the kiss
that left him panting ... no, im not sure at all the tick was really
necessary ... yet one cant help but give mrs. blonde high marks for
originality about the tick ... at least ive never thought of using
that line before ...
id hate to sound too much like an english teacher here [or too much
like conjugate's constuctive criticism], but compound sentences read
more easily with commas ... introductory clauses and phrases often
need them too ... and interjections require the little curly things to
give a tiny pause before the real sentence starts ... in short, this
needs to be proofed carefully for comma errors ... as well as periods
at the end of sentences, and capitals ... larry writes well enough to
know these things ... fixing them just shows respect for readers ...
and for the language ...
passive voice is a more challenging thing to fix ... [passive voice
challenges one even more, lol ... ] it doesnt make the story bad
though ... it only makes it less than it could be ... a question
every writer has to ask, i think, is how much effort is this really
worth ... its personal ... i think "the tick" will find a set of
readers less picky about these careless errors ...
a comment on a previous comment re the blowjob ... there is an
inconsistency in the story ... hobgoblining my little mind ... at first
cathy doesnt know how to begin ... then in the next paragraph "its been
awhile" and finally later in that same paragraph ... < blowjobs had
been a regular part of our sexlife> not something id forget how do
for sure ... i dont think that slowed things down much though ... just
another carelessness ...
a wonderful first effort ... youre braver than i am larry, to dive in
head first with all those fish!
jane
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 18 Apr 2002 12:50:05 GMT
Clearly some things are working here because I'm definitely interested in
reading the next chapter.
Is the second chapter supposed to be a fantasy? I hope not - I want it to be
real.
I agree with most of the comments so far. My main suggestion is that the office
blow-job be made to connect more with the whole story. (Of course I don't know
what the whole story is yet, but anyway ...) What I'd do tighten the
time-frames: have the office BJ be not a birthday thing but a going-away thing.
(I'd like to learn more about his attitude about the assignment along the way.)
In Chapter Two I'd like to learn more about what his life was like in the
remote area. Contrast the isolation with the sudden appearance of the hiker.
- Mat Twassel
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 20 Apr 2002 10:39:45 GMT
What I'd do tighten the
time-frames: have the office BJ be not a birthday thing but a going-away
thing.
Just to clarify a bit if I may: the extended flashback seems a bit heavy for so
early in the story. I'd have it more in the story's present. The guy is
getting his office things packed when his wife comes in. Maybe he's got a
seemingly inconsequential object in his hand. And at the end it might be nice
if she says something a little enigmatic. Then the hiker might show up as he's
unpacking in his new "office." The story might drive better that way.
- Mat Twassel
From: PleaseCain
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 18 Apr 2002 19:09:41 GMT
I like your main character a lot. He's not a GQ model, rock star or mindless
penis. He has his fantasies, but from long experience values his marriage more
than sexual dalliance. It's more courageous to write about a guy like him,
than the fetish-addled mannequins who overpopulate the newsgroups. He's just
believable. Well done.
I suggest working on punctuation, and on pacing: vary the lengths of sentences
and paragraphs. Variety and contrast make for interesting prose. This wasn't
a problem during the sex scenes, but I noticed it in the first half.
Way to leave us hanging there at the end! When can we expect the next
installment?
Cain
From: spd3432
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 21:06:40 -0700
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> >
I've been a Park Ranger for over 20 years. Been married for nearly 27 years.
Both have been relatively quiet, which is fine by me - life dramas I do not
need. Recently I had been assigned to a remote facility working by myself.
While my wife was not happy with my being gone three days at a whack, I was
enjoying the time to myself. At this time of year I could go days between
encounters with people out here.
Been reviewing in my mind the past couple of days how I was going to
comment on this story. As I waited, part of the things I had thought
of were already mentioned. I too am waiting to see further chapters
of his exploits.
Positive
1) Birthday blowjob. Everyone needs a nice present on their birthday
(and the other 364.25 days too, but who's counting).
2) Drowning the tick. Great idea I had to laugh at. We used to go
hunting regularly when I was a teen and I never saw a tick that
drowned.
Possibility
1) The history given in the first couple of paragraphs doesn't seem
right. Its been my experience, that as you get 20 years on the job,
you don't normally get promoted into a position of solitude. Granted,
I don't know any park rangers, but I would think that after 20 years,
instead of being assigned duties at some remote facility, he'd be
assigned duties in a district office or something with people working
for him or in close proximity to him. I could see that he spent 20 -
25 years working someplace (middle management perhaps) and was early
retired due to corporate merger. Then, with his wife's acquiescence,
he took a second career as a park ranger - that having been something
he had done during summer breaks while in college.
Just my thoughts.
Sean
From: Desdmona
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 01:45:52 -0400
The Tick
By Larry Sweet
First, let me say thank you very much for submitting to the FishTank.
Second, thank god there wasn't a real tick in the story!! I'm really
squicked by bugs. I hate 'em! I delayed reading the story for fear of
it ...really! Ugh! I can't believe I was a Camp Fire Girl when I was young.
Having said that, what a line! It's fabulous. "I'm being bitten, Help!"
Think it'll work in a bar some night? [smile]
As much as I like the line and the intro into the sex in chapter two, I felt
rushed. Give me some setting, some scene that shows me what park rangers do
in the wild, anything that breaks up the two sex scenes so I feel more like
time has actually passed. And I have to agree with Mat on a point, it needs
to be more clear if this is a fantasy or a real event.
I thought the first sex scene between wife and husband was nice, but I can't
help coming away from the whole chapter feeling as if he's blaming her for
their sex life being lackluster. There's no real evidence that he's done a
whole lot to earn the sex merit badge either. Because of this, it seems like
a cheating way to excuse his actions. It leaves me unsettled. Personally,
I don't need an excuse for him to act in chapter two. He could just as
easily be a contented man, with a fairly active sex life, be faced with the
same circumstances and chances are the outcome would be the same.
I also have a wee bit of trouble with him switching from finger-fucking to
copulation without any qualms. I mean it's one thing to dig around looking
for a tick (all in the name of medicine) but it's quite another for a man
with 20 years on the job to actually believe he's going to drown a tick ...
it makes me giggle. Out loud. Maybe there should be a sentence or two of him
recognizing the ploy, but wanting to take advantage of what's being offered
to him.
The hook was great. I'm full of curiosity about how tick digging and
drowning saves a marriage. Saving the sperm ... hmm. Is it a simple matter of
getting pregnant or could it be as complex as gathering DNA? I can't wait to
read more!
Des
PS. Side note about park rangers ... my brother-in-law happens to be a park
ranger/firefighter etc. He'd die in an office somewhere. Most of the hard
core fellows are the same - they'd much rather spend three days roughing it
than 9-5 pencil pushing.
From: Always Horny
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 11:51:05 +0200
The Tick By Larry Sweet
1) 2 positive comments
The story has a nice pace, and the conversation type of voice makes for easy
reading.
At long last this is a sex story with actual sex in it; this is also happy
"vanilla" sex, which is a welcome change.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
The first thing this story needs IMO is a strong reviewing by an editor, for the
zillions of grammar typos. Detracts from the story and gives an impression of
sloppiness, for my taste.
Maybe this is just due to rushing to meet the FT's timetable, but the story has
a feel of work-in-progress needing clean-up.
The second point that would help the reader enjoyment of this story would be to
help the suspension of disbelief. How often have the males readers here been
attacked in such hard-and-fast fashion by a hot woman ?
It is possible that the further chapters give some credibility to this gal's
behavior, but some could be used right in chapter 2 ...
Oh, and a suggestion: the bday blowjob scene can be very touching/romantic, too,
if you added a little bit of emotion and affection to the wife's behavior. Not
much is needed, maybe something in her eyes, or in her smile.
As it is, the scene feels a little mechanical.
One man's opinion anyway.
You have here the basis for a story with a lot of potential once it is cleaned
up.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Jim Butterfield
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 19:28:25 GMT
1) 2 positive comments
Two strong narratives (perhaps to be linked more strongly as future
chapters appear?). Plenty of action, good imagery, keeps the
attention.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
Can we do something with that title? "The Tick" brings in mind the
comic strip/TV series. "Ticked off"? "The Tickling Tick"? "Tic or
Tick"? "Where to stick a tick"? Gosh, they're getting worse; I'd
better quit. Will a tick continue to play a role as future chapters
appear?
It's been already noted that the grammar should be worked over. Much
of the writing could be smoothed.
Oh, and with no desire to appear politically correct: ticks can cause
disease; one thinks that the protagonist could show concern for the
hazard. Many ranger stations carry warnings about ticks; what would
be an appropriate reaction if someone arrives there and hollers, "I've
got a tick!" Reach for the alcohol (heh, heh).
3) Try not to repeat!
tick tick tick tick tick ...
- Jim
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From: Katie McN
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 17:34:18 GMT
Hi Larry and "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com>,
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400 I noticed your interesting post:
Your story is told in a very light conversational style with enough detail for me to see your Park Ranger as a middle aged guy who has a slight tummy, thinning hair and probably enjoys a good laugh with the boys when he joins them someplace to watch Monday Night football. I get the idea his wife would think it okay for him to have the occasional night out and might even join him from time to time. It's very enjoyable for me to be able to see characters so clearly and you did a great job with this.
Taking on a MF Rom almost vanilla theme where the characters are middle aged is asking for a challenge which is what writers should try to do from time to time. You picked a good theme to explore and came up with a nice variation on "middle age folks who've been having the same kind of sex for a long time and really need to do something to spark things up a bit."
I feel your story should open in a different place or your opening paragraph should be modified quite a bit it you are going to continue using it.
Modern fiction tries to open a story with a strong hook. The points you start your story with are interesting, but you make it difficult to get into them with the structure of the sentences. Notice how many times the word 'been' is used. It appears that every sentence in the opening paragraph uses a compound verb of some sort. Nothing wrong with using compound verbs, auxiliaries, more formal tenses and the like, but I would have preferred to see some stronger ideas using more straight forward phrasing. In fact, opening your story elsewhere and giving us the background on your narrator as you show us more about your main theme is something I feel could strengthen the story.
What if you started the story at the place where the guy decided to drop his pants before his wife changed her mind about giving him a blow job in his office? You could work the rest of the information in as you went along. In fact, if you gave the reader the picture of a guy ready to go with his wife kneeling down in front of him and then went off to cover some back story, you might build up tension in the opening and 'force' the reader to find out how this all came about and where it was going.
The other point that troubles me with your story is the ending. I like the part about the wife giving the guy a blow job in the office. A lot of people fantasize about sex in the office and this is fun to see in a story. And, having a woman show up with the problem you mention which results in her doing a strip tease and finally some sex acts was fun even though a bit far fetched. The story ends at this point and left me unsatisfied.
I would like to see the two stories somehow combined. Maybe the second woman is a friend of his wife and the wife sent her over with the thought their sex lives needed some spark. The wife could make an appearance at the end of the story and challenge him about having sex with the other woman. After he got to sweat it out for a few minutes, she would let him know it was a setup and then ask him if he'd like to try a threesome with her. In any event, there are a lot of options to tie the two stories together, raise the tension level and end the story with a bang. I think you should try to revise the ending to achieve some of this.
Thanks for posting a fun story. I enjoyed reading it and hope to see more from you in the future.
It's Me Katie McN
Read My Stories at:
www.asstr.org/~Katie_McN/
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 13:44:18 -0500
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
I like the whole comfortable marriage and settled life with happy (if not honeymoonish) sex in it. It could be better, or at least more energetic, but they seem like a happy couple, having sex for fun and getting along, and that is better than a lot of people do (sigh).
The tick lady is rather interesting. A perfect setup for seduction, and by the time that the intent is clear the situation is already past the point of no return. I do think that he could have quit, but it would be a lot to expect from him in that situation. Something along the lines of "it isn't cheating if you are practically raped," or something like that.
Minor nit: OK, probably not relevant to the story but I was imagining that a certain humorous superhero from a cartoon show might appear :-) I don't know, maybe you just need to mention that there is no reference to the hero "The Tick" whatsoever in the tale?
While they seem to have a "comfortable status quo" sexual lifestyle (and in other ways), I just can't see that the enthusiastic sort of sex shown for the birthday wouldn't have happened often when younger. Nor does it seem to be so obvious that they'd fall into a "rut" of comfort when the occasional bit of extra effort pays off so well. One or both would have to decide not to bring up the issue, or if it came up, they'd have blown it off and let things slide.
Not sure, just a feeling that one or both would find the situation less than ideal, and would say something about it. Certainly, his job's separation periods would entail plenty of time to think about sex, and "recharge" for their reunions. If that doesn't happen, you'd think that there'd be some frustration, a feeling that one wants sex more than the other, or that the timing just doesn't line up right between them?
The ending foreshadows a sequel :-) No problem there. But I think that well before the end, he'd have hit a point where he'd realize that he'd have to tell his wife, or NOT tell her, well before the final activity. Maybe his brain is fogged with sex, some men do get that way. But usually, the compulsive desire doesn't entirely blot out thought, and that is one really serious thought for a guy who considered, but never would have sex with another woman. "fooling around is not my style," he says, and when it happens I think that would be an up front reaction. He'd think about how bad it was, but of course - since the story goes that way - go ahead anyway.
The conflicted thoughts at the end just need a bit more detail.
Not a suggestion, just a comment: an encounter like that is the sort of thing where I'd ignore the advice not to mention it. It is too wild not to share, too amazing an experience, and it is not worth feeling guilty for doing it with no hope for forgiveness. Putting off telling the story is only going to make it feel worse.
OTOH, that is only my take on infidelity. Not everyone agrees, otherwise more "cheaters" would tell their mates about their other partners, and either end the relationship or open it up long before the explosion when finally found out. OTGH - some mates just don't seem to care about it (not openly discussed or officially accepted, but they still know). Or at least they don't want to break up over the issue.
But a pretty woman coming in for help with a "tick in her vagina is just too unusual, too exciting, too much not to share with someone who might find it funny and exciting. Any anger is worth risking in order to share such a good experience together.
The story doesn't have to say whether he kept quiet or not. Just my thought that I definitely wouldn't keep quiet if it happened to me.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 15 Apr 2002 14:02:05 -0700
Larry
I'll be honest from the off. This story isn't at all the kind of story I enjoy reading and it hasn't convinced me that I should investigate more of the same kind.
But my opinions are based on a prejudice on subject, perspective and a curious "squickiness" about stories told from the point of view of genital organs. But that does not mean your story is not good and I shall attempt to be objective about it.
I liked the symmetry of the two chapters. The first one was about a blowjob, involving a mouth and a penis. The second was about fingerfucking, involving a finger and a vagina.
I liked the depiction of the relationship between the Park Ranger and his wife. It was clear that though the sex had gone out of the relationship, there was still some love in it. It's not a kind of relationship I can really relate to, but I suppose it's good that the love can so outlast the sexual passion (I guess).
I didn't like the depiction of the sex scenes at all. Maybe it's because whenever I watch a porn video, I go fast-forward at this point. Why is it thought to be sexy to read about or describe the perineum or whatever? However, people do, I think. However, for me there was too much "cum", too many grunts and groans and too much of this being the best fucking fuck ever (kind of stuff).
I really wasn't convinced by the end at all. Perhaps my fantasies are different to yours, but if I were an attractive woman with "lean, good muscle tone" I don't think I'd be so grateful for a three minute fuck. If this happened to me it wouldn't be "what just happened probably saved my marriage", it would give me very good cause to rush to the bathroom to clean out the muck. (And maybe then I might call the police.)
But since so many readers like this kind of stuff, I'm probably way out on a limb here.
Well done anyway for daring to face the spotlight. And I'm sure the right reviewer will adore this story.
Best of luck,
Bradley Stoke
From: Nick
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:21:31 GMT
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote: Positive 1
I assume there never was a tick. I liked that idea, partly because it reminded me of when I was a lad. After a camping trip I noticed a little black spot on my penis, - right on the glans. I thought it was a scab from too much wanking, but after two weeks it was still there, and it itched like hell. On closer inspection in the bath, I spotted the six tiny legs, and set about detaching it. Well, it hung on like buggery, but I finally got it (her!?) off me.
I think that was my first blow job!
Positive 2
I quite liked the amount of liquid.
Improver 1
This is very densely written. The paragraphs were long, and did not even break with the dialogue. This makes it had to read.
Improver 2
I've never heard of a 2 chapter story (cue for myriad examples), and I didn't see the connection between them, except for the volume of cum. It would work as part of a longer story entitled something like 'The Exploits of a Park Ranger', but it was called 'The Tick'
From: Conjugate
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 20:51:49 -0400
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:ubll59l4401268@news.supernews.com ...
I liked it, overall. I thought it was about right in length, and the sex was good. The descriptions of the sensations of the ranger were very nice.
That's my two positive comments. Now, the two suggestions for improvement: I think you should have somebody check your punctuation or else you need to proofread it a bit more carefully yourself. For instance, there's a comma splice:
That's not dialogue, even though it is in the protagonist's voice, so I would prefer that the comma be replaced by a period or perhaps an em-dash. Similarly, we have:
That should be "smiled," with a "d" at the end. These aren't bad things, just distracting for the reader.
The second thing to improve, and this is not strictly speaking a criticism, is that you should write more. How is it the woman knows he's married? How is chapter 2 related to chapter 1? If he doesn't tell his wife about this, will she find out, or perhaps does she know already? Will the mysterious woman return to his wife and say, "Yeah, he fucked me. Pay up!" or something? Or will his wife say to her, "Thanks; I hope that keeps him from asking me for anything nasty for another year," or, well, you get the idea.
Finally, for some reason, I feel that "park ranger" should be lower-case unless it's used as a title. "Excuse me, Park Ranger Jones, but is that a python in your pants or are you just glad to see me?" But I'm cheating blatantly now; that's a third nitpick.
Thank you for letting us see your story, and please write some more.
Conjugate
From: dennyw
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 12:16:23 -0700
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 23:21:31 GMT, nick_cassandra@yahoo.co.uk (Nick) held forth, saying:
erm. Nick. Des said, in her posting of it, "His submission is the first two chapters of a story."
-denny-
nocturnal curmudgeon, editor
Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long
From: Nick
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 22:13:37 GMT
On Tue, 16 Apr 2002 12:16:23 -0700,
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote:
Sorry, missed that bit (and probably the connection). Strike the first clause.
Nick
From: jane
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 16 Apr 2002 23:06:29 -0700
"
suspense is no small accomplishment .... im not quite sure how larry pulls it off, but he left me very curious how the woman knows his cathy, what she has in mind for her treasure trove of sperm, and how the drowning of the tick could possibly save a rocky marriage ... in spite of all the carelessness i note below, larry managed not only to be readable, but, saints preserve us, interesting ... bravo ... i wonder what chapter three will bring ...
its an ingenious seduction, the drowning of a tick ... im not sure whether that adds to the eroticism of the situation, because there's no real reason to believe the service would not have been performed for just the "wiggle," "the great legs," the pulled down shorts and panties, or the disappearing bra and shirt, not to mention the kiss that left him panting ... no, im not sure at all the tick was really necessary ... yet one cant help but give mrs. blonde high marks for originality about the tick ... at least ive never thought of using that line before ...
id hate to sound too much like an english teacher here [or too much like conjugate's constuctive criticism], but compound sentences read more easily with commas ... introductory clauses and phrases often need them too ... and interjections require the little curly things to give a tiny pause before the real sentence starts ... in short, this needs to be proofed carefully for comma errors ... as well as periods at the end of sentences, and capitals ... larry writes well enough to know these things ... fixing them just shows respect for readers ... and for the language ...
passive voice is a more challenging thing to fix ... [passive voice challenges one even more, lol ... ] it doesnt make the story bad though ... it only makes it less than it could be ... a question every writer has to ask, i think, is how much effort is this really worth ... its personal ... i think "the tick" will find a set of readers less picky about these careless errors ...
a comment on a previous comment re the blowjob ... there is an inconsistency in the story ... hobgoblining my little mind ... at first cathy doesnt know how to begin ... then in the next paragraph "its been awhile" and finally later in that same paragraph ... < blowjobs had been a regular part of our sexlife> not something id forget how do for sure ... i dont think that slowed things down much though ... just another carelessness ...
a wonderful first effort ... youre braver than i am larry, to dive in head first with all those fish!
jane
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 18 Apr 2002 12:50:05 GMT
Clearly some things are working here because I'm definitely interested in reading the next chapter.
Is the second chapter supposed to be a fantasy? I hope not - I want it to be real.
I agree with most of the comments so far. My main suggestion is that the office blow-job be made to connect more with the whole story. (Of course I don't know what the whole story is yet, but anyway ...) What I'd do tighten the time-frames: have the office BJ be not a birthday thing but a going-away thing. (I'd like to learn more about his attitude about the assignment along the way.) In Chapter Two I'd like to learn more about what his life was like in the remote area. Contrast the isolation with the sudden appearance of the hiker.
- Mat Twassel
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 20 Apr 2002 10:39:45 GMT
Just to clarify a bit if I may: the extended flashback seems a bit heavy for so early in the story. I'd have it more in the story's present. The guy is getting his office things packed when his wife comes in. Maybe he's got a seemingly inconsequential object in his hand. And at the end it might be nice if she says something a little enigmatic. Then the hiker might show up as he's unpacking in his new "office." The story might drive better that way.
- Mat Twassel
From: PleaseCain
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: 18 Apr 2002 19:09:41 GMT
I like your main character a lot. He's not a GQ model, rock star or mindless penis. He has his fantasies, but from long experience values his marriage more than sexual dalliance. It's more courageous to write about a guy like him, than the fetish-addled mannequins who overpopulate the newsgroups. He's just believable. Well done.
I suggest working on punctuation, and on pacing: vary the lengths of sentences and paragraphs. Variety and contrast make for interesting prose. This wasn't a problem during the sex scenes, but I noticed it in the first half.
Way to leave us hanging there at the end! When can we expect the next installment?
Cain
From: spd3432
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 21:06:40 -0700
On Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:47:53 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> >
Been reviewing in my mind the past couple of days how I was going to comment on this story. As I waited, part of the things I had thought of were already mentioned. I too am waiting to see further chapters of his exploits.
Positive
1) Birthday blowjob. Everyone needs a nice present on their birthday (and the other 364.25 days too, but who's counting).
2) Drowning the tick. Great idea I had to laugh at. We used to go hunting regularly when I was a teen and I never saw a tick that drowned.
Possibility
1) The history given in the first couple of paragraphs doesn't seem right. Its been my experience, that as you get 20 years on the job, you don't normally get promoted into a position of solitude. Granted, I don't know any park rangers, but I would think that after 20 years, instead of being assigned duties at some remote facility, he'd be assigned duties in a district office or something with people working for him or in close proximity to him. I could see that he spent 20 - 25 years working someplace (middle management perhaps) and was early retired due to corporate merger. Then, with his wife's acquiescence, he took a second career as a park ranger - that having been something he had done during summer breaks while in college.
Just my thoughts.
Sean
From: Desdmona
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 01:45:52 -0400
First, let me say thank you very much for submitting to the FishTank. Second, thank god there wasn't a real tick in the story!! I'm really squicked by bugs. I hate 'em! I delayed reading the story for fear of it ...really! Ugh! I can't believe I was a Camp Fire Girl when I was young. Having said that, what a line! It's fabulous. "I'm being bitten, Help!" Think it'll work in a bar some night? [smile]
As much as I like the line and the intro into the sex in chapter two, I felt rushed. Give me some setting, some scene that shows me what park rangers do in the wild, anything that breaks up the two sex scenes so I feel more like time has actually passed. And I have to agree with Mat on a point, it needs to be more clear if this is a fantasy or a real event.
I thought the first sex scene between wife and husband was nice, but I can't help coming away from the whole chapter feeling as if he's blaming her for their sex life being lackluster. There's no real evidence that he's done a whole lot to earn the sex merit badge either. Because of this, it seems like a cheating way to excuse his actions. It leaves me unsettled. Personally, I don't need an excuse for him to act in chapter two. He could just as easily be a contented man, with a fairly active sex life, be faced with the same circumstances and chances are the outcome would be the same.
I also have a wee bit of trouble with him switching from finger-fucking to copulation without any qualms. I mean it's one thing to dig around looking for a tick (all in the name of medicine) but it's quite another for a man with 20 years on the job to actually believe he's going to drown a tick ... it makes me giggle. Out loud. Maybe there should be a sentence or two of him recognizing the ploy, but wanting to take advantage of what's being offered to him.
The hook was great. I'm full of curiosity about how tick digging and drowning saves a marriage. Saving the sperm ... hmm. Is it a simple matter of getting pregnant or could it be as complex as gathering DNA? I can't wait to read more!
Des
PS. Side note about park rangers ... my brother-in-law happens to be a park ranger/firefighter etc. He'd die in an office somewhere. Most of the hard core fellows are the same - they'd much rather spend three days roughing it than 9-5 pencil pushing.
From: Always Horny
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 11:51:05 +0200
The story has a nice pace, and the conversation type of voice makes for easy reading.
At long last this is a sex story with actual sex in it; this is also happy "vanilla" sex, which is a welcome change.
The first thing this story needs IMO is a strong reviewing by an editor, for the zillions of grammar typos. Detracts from the story and gives an impression of sloppiness, for my taste. Maybe this is just due to rushing to meet the FT's timetable, but the story has a feel of work-in-progress needing clean-up.
The second point that would help the reader enjoyment of this story would be to help the suspension of disbelief. How often have the males readers here been attacked in such hard-and-fast fashion by a hot woman ? It is possible that the further chapters give some credibility to this gal's behavior, but some could be used right in chapter 2 ...
Oh, and a suggestion: the bday blowjob scene can be very touching/romantic, too, if you added a little bit of emotion and affection to the wife's behavior. Not much is needed, maybe something in her eyes, or in her smile. As it is, the scene feels a little mechanical.
One man's opinion anyway.
You have here the basis for a story with a lot of potential once it is cleaned up.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Jim Butterfield
Re: The Tick, by Larry Sweet
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 19:28:25 GMT
Two strong narratives (perhaps to be linked more strongly as future chapters appear?). Plenty of action, good imagery, keeps the attention.
Can we do something with that title? "The Tick" brings in mind the comic strip/TV series. "Ticked off"? "The Tickling Tick"? "Tic or Tick"? "Where to stick a tick"? Gosh, they're getting worse; I'd better quit. Will a tick continue to play a role as future chapters appear?
It's been already noted that the grammar should be worked over. Much of the writing could be smoothed.
Oh, and with no desire to appear politically correct: ticks can cause disease; one thinks that the protagonist could show concern for the hazard. Many ranger stations carry warnings about ticks; what would be an appropriate reaction if someone arrives there and hollers, "I've got a tick!" Reach for the alcohol (heh, heh).
tick tick tick tick tick ...
- Jim
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