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From: Desdmona
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 17 Oct 2001 02:14:22 GMT
The Fish Tank #13 Chocolate Sunday
First, I think the idea of being able to choose an ending is oa very clever idea. Congrats on this Gary. For that reason, I'd hate to see the story changed on your website to be just one ending.
I happened to like the ending where he takes over and they enjoy anal sex. Probably because it's a little different than the earlier sex scene, or maybe just because I like the way he treated her, got her ready and made sure she was enjoying it just as much as he.
The story needs a good proofing, I'm still trying to decide what a strining cock is. <smile>
And I'm trying to decide why a "bite" unless it actually took off skin would be so painful for several days ... I've been bitten and, uh.. never mind!
By the way, the suffocation scene ... superb! But, the medical side of me has trouble with it. First off, someone that is actually suffocating, loses consciousness pretty quickly, and believe me, the adrenalin would be pumping so hard from the hysteria, that bedposts would be broken to get air. There's no way that he'd still be thinking, "oh, well ... let's orgasm first" But still, I don't think I would change it. It's not a case study in a medical book, it's a sex story and a very good one!
Thanks Gary for staying down, restrained until Friday!!
Des
From: Desdmona
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 17 Oct 2001 02:21:38 GMT
The Fish Tank #13 Chocolate Sunday
Oh and one more thing ... Duh!
I think the path heads or tails should be switched.
After all, anal is tails and oral is heads, isn't it?
Des
From: Shon Richards
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 12:09:00 GMT
"Desdmona22" <desdmona22@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011015202012.01748.00000048@mb-fk.aol.com ...
The following is our next installment in the Fish Tank. Gary has used a clever technique for the reader to choose the endings. Because of this, the first part of the story is written here, but the remaining sections will have to be accessed by going to Gary's website. But FishTank guidelines apply:
1.) 2 positive comments
2.) 2 things to improve
3.) Try not to repeat
You will be able to access the entire story at the FishTank website:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/fishtank/base
But probably not until sometime tormorrow (Tuesday)
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
First of all, picking your own story paths is so novel, it should become a gimmick. It reminds me of those Choose-your-own-adventure books I savagely collected as a kid.
Second of all, I like the coin tossing. I don't understand why more stories don't involve switches. Not everyone is hardwired into a particular fetish role.
My only nitpicks involves the bite. I agree with Des, that was an atypical intimate bite :) At the risk of getting squicky, maybe a better description of how severe the bite was would make it easier to understand why it crippled her.
Another nitpick involves safewords. I understand when writers want to take something "to the next level" and omit safewords, but there are safer methods :) I like the safeword "mercy" myself. It says "Stop" in a passive manner.
I guess for me, any story that intentionaly says "no safewords tonight" is advocating dangerous sex. As writers, we have to remember that a lot of people encounter strange new sex through us. Gods help us, but we are role-models. :)
Excellent story by the way,
Head Warlock of the Coven of Bliss
Shon Richards
Adventure Stories of Mine and Others can be found at
http://www.asstr.org/~shonRichards/
Romance Stories of mine are hosted by Gary at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/
E-mail me to find out about the ASSD/Coven of Bliss Mentor Program "I begin baby where you end, some things are forever like circles in the sand."
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 12:50:42 -0600
On 16 Oct 2001 00:20:12 GMT, desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
The story shows a very nice relationship, and illustrates it somewhat with little details beyond the bedroom. The bit at the start where his brother calls is one of those things.
The multiple ending thing seems nicely done. I'm a little disappointed that she didn't dare try another "bite" on the "she loved the pain" path, but that isn't a big deal - the result seemed nice enough anyway.
For downside #1, I appreciate the multiple ending thing but ended up reading all of them anyway. I'm not sure that was as satisfying as simply being given just one ending. (sigh) I don't want to really complain about it, just point out that I, and perhaps others, won't really only follow the story through one way.
While her reaction to the situation isn't bad, I'd have liked to have seen more of her conversation midway through - telling him not to mention it again and such. I think that having that as conversation, rather than just a summary, would contrast nicely with the end result where she decides to bring the subject up.
As a repeat thing, bites in certain sensitive places aren't all that likely to make you "walk funny" for very long. Not unless the biter really tries to make a meal of his/her lover. A few teeth marks here and there are just the price one pays for initiating lovers into oral sex, plus of course there are those who simply have a thing for teething :-) Anyway, as a story element, it is funny, and maybe it is best left undescribed - but I figure that a bite hard enough to wake you up wouldn't really need to be quite that hard.
Now, if you happen to have razor sharp canines or somesuch, the risk of extreme pain from unintentional bites is much higher.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Stasya T. Canine
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 05:38:24 GMT
Ok ... Blame Denny ...
Huh? What's that? Thread drift you say?
Oh. Right. I'm supposed to be making constructive comments here ...
sigh ... And it was such a good bit of drift.
Oh well.
Hi Gary! :)
The good things:
1. At first I was put off by the excessive use of 'said' in the opening paragraphs. However, once I read further and realized what was going on, I decided that it wasn't excessive but being used to establish a pattern. Effective, and I like it.
2. As I write this, I haven't read all of the branches but I did enjoy how you set up the transition in the 'didn't like the pain' part. It was a good mix of being serious about something traumatic but still keeping it in perspective and developing her personality. Plus, one thing I really enjoyed was how in that brief transition you showed their maturity.
Now, on to the 'not-so-good' stuff. :/
In the part posted to usenet, you have the following:
"The thing is, I love regular sex with you, but when I get to the point where I'm too sensitive to continue, and I ask you to stop, or change around, you do - and its good, and I love you for it.
ARRRGGGHHH!!
Running, running, running ... Keep those fragments running ... <g>
OK, it's speech and run on or fragmented thoughts can happen when trying to explain a trauma to someone. Still, any chance of getting rid of some of those 'ands' - as well as rephrasing to use short sentences? For me, the 'ands' jarred the flow.
Another flow problem that stood out:
In the 'heads' part of 'didn't like the pain', the 4th sentence in the following paragraph stood out as awkward.
I was feeling slightly inhibited. More than slightly, actually. But I continued stroking her all over. She began to breathe a little faster, and I concentrated attention to her hips and arms. If Jeanine relaxed, I could, too.
...and I concentrated attention to her hips and arms ...
Several things I see as problems:
'And'. I know it's the easy word to use but there are other ways to do the transition. It's a nit, but I like to see authors avoid using 'and' as much as possible.
'concentrated attention to'. Awkward! Jars the otherwise smooth flow!
A suggestion: ' ..., so I concentrated my attention on her ...'
In the same paragraph, 'But I ...' works ok. However, you have a chance to further set the mood if you choose a word that has some emotion behind it. 'Tenderly', 'tentatively', 'lightly' ... any would work here. It depends on if you want to emphasize his feeling inhibited - or his efforts to relax her.
Most of what I saw was flow related, something to be expected in an early draft. These were the ones that stood out during the first reading.
Keep up the good work.
"Give a minute ...
Give the gift of friendship to a stranger." - Stasya T. Canine, September 14, 2001 -
http://storiesonline.net/Stasya_T_Canine http://www.furnation.com/Nikkolai - Furry, general audience
From: Souvie
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 04:20:15 GMT
On 16 Oct 2001 00:20:12 GMT, desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
**************************************************************************
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
First things first, I laughed. I know I shouldn't find humor in someone elses pain, even if it is only a story character. But I laughed. That's "something you like" number one.
Secondly, I like the second paragraph (for my purposes I count the opening sentence as one paragraph). "rode my face into the sunrise" is just something I'd never think of putting in a story, but it made the image more clear in my mind, for some reason.
Nipick number 1 is ... well, it's hard trying to think of something that no one else has said already. I guess it would be that for someone who has not read any of your other "Chocolate" stories, they wouldn't know the significance of "One of us needs to go to the store," and what it really meant.
The only other thing I can think of to comment on is I've read others say that it would have to have been one hell of a bite to have made her walk funny for that long. For me, just the fear of the pain reoccuring would have caused me to take longer to heal/recover. I know the first time I had sex it was very painful and it was almost a year before I'd even consider doing it again. It was the fear of the pain that stopped me.
And other than getting Denny to work his proofing magic, I like it. :)
- Souvie
"A man's vanity tells him what is honour, a man's conscience what is is justice." - Walter Savage Landor
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 08:22:42 -0600
On Fri, 19 Oct 2001 04:20:15 GMT, souvie@netdot.com (Souvie) wrote:
On 16 Oct 2001 00:20:12 GMT, desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
**************************************************************************
The only other thing I can think of to comment on is I've read others say that it would have to have been one hell of a bite to have made her walk funny for that long. For me, just the fear of the pain reoccuring would have caused me to take longer to heal/recover. I know the first time I had sex it was very painful and it was almost a year before I'd even consider doing it again. It was the fear of the pain that stopped me.
Sure, it is possible for a psychological reaction to last longer. An awareness of harm to a place that you didn't expect such pain could make you more sensitive about it.
Pain, or other unpleasant things, could definitely turn you off from sex for a while. I've known a lot of women who had a long gap between their first time experience and the next attempt.
One of the rules of fear is that the anticipation of the threat is stronger than the threat itself. Real world events going on now show that kind of panic reaction, but in context of this story, it does make sense that pain, in a situation which was expected to be pleasant, would cause an overreaction.
I do think that trying to describe the exact damage would mess with the feel of the story. It doesn't really matter how bad the wound was. It is her reaction to it which drives the story.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 19 Oct 2001 21:24:50 GMT
Comments as we go?
She said it on Monday morning, an hour before the alarm was supposed to wake me for work. She won the coin toss, I was bound, and she rode my face into the sunrise. There wasn't time to reciprocate, and I went to work both tired and frustrated. It was a double shift; I went to bed exhausted.
Some problems with voice and tense, and the initial image is fuzzy at best. But the sunrise image is nice
the phone began to ring insistantly
The phone normally can either begin to ring or it can ring insistently. I suppose at some point the ringing became insistent, but the way this is written we don't know whether that's the first ring or the nth. How long does it take her to catch her breath? On the other hand, the image of her trying to catch her breath and the phone ringing is excellent.
and released me
Lots of releasing going on in a short space.
ablutions
Not sure I like this word here. It certainly calls attention to itself.
I could feel her
hair caress me there as she began to lower her head.
There? Where? Why so vague?
Her back arched as approached her first climax, drawing her head
as she approached ... proof reading needed.
If at last I would reach satisfaction, then I would guarantee that she would be compensated.
Stiff phrasing. Intentionally?
I could not cry out, I
was more effectively gagged than the silk scarf we kept for that purpose had ever achieved.
Good details, bad syntax.
The angel of death winked at me
with one brown eye. My life flashed before my eyes and I was shocked to see what an asshole I'd been.
Strains to be cute.
she always tied me down the same way.
It's not clear to me that this is different. The early tie-downs received short shrift.
I slammed my eyes shut and nodded vigorously. Cheaters never prosper. It matters not whether you win or lose - its how you lick the pussy.
I'm not sure I really like the "clever" tone. I'd rather the narrator stuck closer to the story.
She swallowed. "When it's my turn to play, I don't usually go there. When I reach my limit, I change on my own, and do something else until I'm ready again. Last time, you got me there so fast and kept going while I was out of control, that it might as well have been me in the ropes."
This explanation seems quite long-winded.
She Loved the Pain
I don't think there's really a choice. The story could be interesting either way, but something deep down in the characterization insists (to me) that she loved the pain. Else why these preparations?
Summary: Good plot, good characters, some good images. The tone is a little too precious and cute sometimes, and there are some poorly contstructed sentences.
- Mat Twassel
From: Ray
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 17:50:10 -0400
*************************************************************************
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
First, the good things ... rather than question the kind of 'bite' that had her walking funny, as a few others mentioned, I am very happy that a graphic description of the damage done was not given. First - it would have detracted from the story. Second - I'm sure that many can imagine in their own minds what such an 'injury' might have been (possibly somewhat different and with better justice than a description could have given).
Second _ I liked the two-headed coin gag: Feeling put upon and victimized a bit was he? Always the puppet and seldom getting to 'pull the strings'. Adds a small splash of what might occur in RL.
Two criticisms:
Tough one this - so few things that need a lot of changing. I do agree with Stasya about your slight overuse of 'and', in this story. And, though I did enjoy the use of the coin-gag, it didn't mention say 'how' she knew it was a two headed coin. She never touched it, and he snatched it back quick. (But, women always know, don't they?)
Second, I do have to agree about the lack of a safe word here. Not because it would be better for the story, per se, but anyone who has done such 'role-playing' knows that no matter how harmless a scenario is, things can happen. There is also the point that some people 'do' read and then try to emulate some of these writings. With less experienced 'players' role playing can lead to some real problems without a safe-word.
Finally, I must say that I enjoyed the story and it's structure very much. Although I am not sure how many "Choose-your-own-adventure" type sex stories I'd really want to see (mostly because it needs a real talent to pull them off without it going flat in the middle), but you handled the whole thing beautifully.
Thank you Gary
:-)
Ray
Nope, no submarine and hot chocolate jokes today.
From: Sagittaria
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001 01:15:28 -0000
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
(Preg? I must have missed that part.)
Great story! I really love the alternate endings - always my favorite type of story as a kid. I would love to see more authors try something like this. You've chosen interesting and fairly natural points of divergence.
Also I like your use of language. Others have pointed out where some phrases are overdone, but overall I think the imagery works very well. My favorite: "I continued to apply my tongue to the task the gods must have designed it for." And, of course, the puns! "'Like a Hoover, damn.'"
One thing that I found odd was the fact that the lady fainted after orgasm. The first time it could be written off as a plot device (how else could he be smothered?) but when it happened a second time, I think she needs to get her blood pressure checked or maybe even consider an MRI.
My other suggestion is to have the alternate endings diverge more noticeably. It looks like you took one template and made small changes to get the alternate endings, but when reading all the paths (as true aficionados of such stories must always do) it was hard to tell what was different. It also seemed at times like each ending didn't flow very well from the page before, mainly because you were trying to keep the wording similar to the opposite path. I didn't find anything glaring, but I think making them more distinct would be better.
Finally, I don't think you should even try to post this on ASSM in a linear form. Maybe they'll allow you to post the first part and then link to your site for the rest. That's allowed for multi-part works, right? The first part, down to the , can stand alone pretty well even if the reader doesn't click on the link to read the rest.
- - >Sagittaria< - -
Gunax Tbq V'z na ngurvfg ....
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 20 Oct 2001 05:17:57 GMT
It's a few minutes after 1 AM Saturday Morning, and I guess I'm allowed to surface and respond without restraint. I'll let my response languish until this afternoon, after work. Right now, I just want to thank everyone who participated and especially Desdmona.
After the first day without a response (silly me, people actually wanted time to read it first), I confided to Denny that I thought I'd killed the Fish Tank, and that Des would have to change the water and boil the stones.
Instead, I ended up with exactly what I needed. Besides smiling at the "2 good things", I have nodded a lot, blushed a little, frowned a bit (in serious contemplation), and shaken my head from time to time. Aerobic exercise for the neck and head, if not the mind
The only other comment I'll make until later today, is to give credit for the interactive story concept to Uther Pendragon. Thank you Uther.
Gary
"Old submariners never die; they just don't get to go down as often"
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: PleaseCain
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 20 Oct 2001 15:33:25 GMT
Hope it's not too late to contribute. I enjoyed this story, because your voice is witty and charming. Also, that's one fantastic opening.
I don't know if it's a continuity error or I am reading carelessly, but after she passes out, is he describing a number of visual details while blindfolded? Then, do people actually pass out making love? I know he was about to, but her? It shouldn't matter if the story is consistent within itself, but it's still gnawing at me. (Who's being defensive!)
Thanks for letting us read this. I'm going to look for more of your stories.
Cain
From: Stasya T. Canine
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001 16:48:55 GMT
On 20 Oct 2001 15:33:25 GMT, pleasecain@aol.com (PleaseCain) wrote:
Then, do people actually pass out making love? I know he was about to, but her? It shouldn't matter if the story is consistent within itself, but it's still gnawing at me. (Who's being defensive!)
In Japan (iirc) women were/are? encouraged to attain the ideal of having orgasms so intense they would pass out. I don't remember the exact quote but I first learned of this tidbit from a book called 'The Cradle of Erotica'.
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
I've never seen any stuff on men passing out from the intensity of their orgasm. I can believe it could happen though. After one unforgettable session of sex I couldn't move for several minutes. I didn't pass out but I was certainly not doing any rational thinking. <g>
sigh ... If that's the orgasmic ideal after a long loving session, I'd love to repeat the experience. That one time, everything turned out right. Had plenty of good and excellent sexual sessions before and since, but never one that wound up with me totally helpless after my orgasm - due to its overwhelming intensity.
"Give a minute ...
Give the gift of friendship to a stranger." - Stasya T. Canine, September 14, 2001 -
http://storiesonline.net/Stasya_T_Canine http://www.furnation.com/Nikkolai - Furry, general audience
From: dennyw
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001 13:40:14 -0700
On Sat, 20 Oct 2001 16:48:55 GMT, Stasya T. Canine <stasya.nospam@counsellor.com> held forth, saying:
On 20 Oct 2001 15:33:25 GMT, pleasecain@aol.com (PleaseCain) wrote:
Then, do people actually pass out making love? I know he was about to, but her? It shouldn't matter if the story is consistent within itself, but it's still gnawing at me. (Who's being defensive!)
In Japan (iirc) women were/are? encouraged to attain the ideal of having orgasms so intense they would pass out. I don't remember the exact quote but I first learned of this tidbit from a book called 'The Cradle of Erotica'.
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
'le petit mort'
-denny-
"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 02:38:26 GMT
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) writes:
1.) 2 positive comments
1 I can believe in these characters.
2 This was genuinely funny without being a set-up gag.
2.) 2 things to improve
1 We need another paragraph of set up. "Median res" is fine, but we need to know what the rules are that they are both following. Both the "Preg" part and the "Chocolate" part are unexplained in this story.
2 I couldn't see how he was prevented from biting her thigh.
3.) Try not to repeat
On the matter of the branching story, which I don't believe Gary really meant to use as a publishing method. I still liked it, but you'd have to have less similarities among the branches if you did intend for people to read all of them.
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c anon584c@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 21 Oct 2001 03:56:15 GMT
I have to preface my response with what I've mentioned to my editor: This is the first story that has ever leapt full blown into my head, without warning, and demanded to be written from beginning to end without stopping, including the alternate bits. I slammed it onto my website with only a few passes for self-proofreading because it wanted to be there. Denny was mildly? miffed because he rushed to edit it after the fact but the version that got into the fish tank was the un-edited one. That said,
Desdmona: Thanks Gary for staying down, restrained until Friday!!
Me: <groan> Submarine AND bondage puns!
Anne:
The different paths actually came when I got to the point where I had to decide if I wanted to think of Jeanine as a pain slut -which is not at all what the other three sories described. And the Muse wouldn't let me stop typing, she said "Write it both ways." In the back of my mind was something Uther and I had discussed, so I just kept typing.
Thank you for thinking all four fit the Rom/cons codes. That was a concern. I don't have character sheets filled out, but if I did, Romantic, consensual, and very mildly kinky would describe their relationship. Strongly influenced by Uther, Dulcinea, Redman, etc.
I tried to establish that she enjoyed being pushed just a tiny bit past her limits, but that she would never ask for it. Having that in mind, saying "no safewords " was essentially saying "I trust you not to go to far." In that choice (she liked the pain), she knew she would stop before that point, and was surrendering control so that he could take her that step further. That said, I'll alter it because I don't like that solution either.
He never says that she always wins the coin tosses, only that she won every time that week, and a three-in-a-row streak is well within the bounds of crudulity. She describes a preference for when he wins, and why, so he obviously wins, sometimes. But I'll establish that it's a 3 game streak.
Painless - My personal preference as well - but my Muse ... she's kinkier than we are.
Desdmona
(letsfuckallnightineverypositionwecangetourselvesinto):
The "choose an ending" really is a restricted case of an idea Uther and I discussed. If Uther works out exactly how to present his idea, it'll make web based stories far more exiting. As for ASSM, I think I'll post four 'versions' of the same story, labeled [Ver1] - [Ver4] and keep the format as is on the site.
The anal sex ending seems to be a consensus winner. Admitting that it was (without the light bondage) based on experience would probably make me blush yet again, so I won't.
<blush> It got a proofing (by Denny) after it was on the site and in the fish tank. Oops. I should have e- mailed the proofed version. I'm not certain whether that cock was straining or striving at this point.
You expressed a common opinion, "And I'm trying to decide why a "bite" unless it actually took off skin would be so painful for several days ... I've been bitten and, uh.. never mind!" RODL! Well, having no personal experience with being bitten there, I sort of winged it. I'll defer to the judgement of the bitten and shorten the convalescence.
I didn't look at the "suffocation scene" from a medical standpoint. I wouldn't have had a story. But I tried to say that he could breath with some difficulty and considerable effort through his nose. He tried to awaken her with a kiss <g> and she moved back - then it became desperate.
The heads for oral/tails for anal is delicious - I'll do it.
Shon:
I hope "gimmick" doesn't become the popular referent for interactive fiction. Negative connotations. And I hope Uther unveils his, soon, before everyone and their sister does. He has a far superior idea.
The coin toss helps to differentiate between light bondage as a game and bondage & discipline as a lifestyle.
As I replied to Des, I'll reduce the tome to heal, but no way will I get more descriptive about the bite. I think imagination will make more people sympathetic to the injury than graphic (squicky) details.
I am not now, nor have I ever been a role model for anyone other than my children. But I didn't like the no safeword solution either. I had to write a 'she likes it but it scares her' path, and if she has an out she'll take it. I'll find a way around that. I never have liked gags (except chocolate - if you chew fast enough, you can yell the safeword.)
And thanks for your final comment.
Jeff:
Thanks for the "nice relationship" comment. I'm building a network of stories around these two. They're no Bob and Jeanette, but they're mine.
She didn't get another bite because HE isn't into pain. Remember where he said "I don't know how hard I bit her." He doesn't want to hurt her again (at least, not that much.)
I suspect a lot of readers would check out all the endings - but some would leave the pain path alone, while others would consider the painless route too vanilla.
I might try to write some dialog for the 'morning after' scene. I'm not sure it'll make the final draft. Too much dialog before Sunday might detract from the eventual Sunday scene. (Anyone else agree with Jeff?)
The initial bite will remain undescribed, as stated above. Less aggressive nibbles are reasonable, and I really should have one in the final scene. I chickened out.
Stasya:
Stasya, blaming Denny is a third career for me :-) Remember my early Sig? I just balance it these days by assigning some credit, too.
Thank you so much for the plusses.
You quoted, "The thing is, I love regular sex with you, but when I get to the point where I'm too sensitive to continue, and I ask you to stop, or change around, you do - and its good, and I love you for it." No apologies. She's talking. She's trying to get something out; it comes out that way.
The other flow problem you pointed out is valid. If I looked in the edited files, I'm sure Denny would have recommended an alternate or changed it for me - he knows when I'll go along with his suggestions (usually).
"Conjunction junction, what's your FUNCtion ..." I'll tone down my conjuctionitus. It's a disease. I agree about the awkwardness of "concentrated attention to". He can concentrate on or attend to. He is a tender lover; I need to communicate that.
{{Souvie}}:
I'm so glad you laughed. I'm glad you enjoyed Jeanine's wild ride as well.
Your first nit is something I caught on my own - "One of us needs to go to the store," is briefly explained (as it is in all the other stories except "RULES", where the phrase earned its meaning) in the rewrite.
I'm reducing the duration of the duck waddle , but it is an emotional trauma either way. In a strong, committed relationship, I think a year might be a bit much - I'll stick to nine days.
Denny has agreed to more proofing.
mat twassel:
I'm not sure I see the voice/tense problem in the first coin toss area, but Denny will explain it to me.
You're right about the phone. Phones ring. Brothers are insistant. How insistant can a phone be with an answering machine attached? I'll fix it.
The releasing was deliberate - in fact, I'll make it more deliberate. He goes from sexual bondage to phone bondage.
I'll consider something other than ablutions. I'm not certain about that one.
I thought the where of the carressing hair was obvious in context. He was anticipating a blowjob.
About the stiff phrasing, well, I was, but it shouldn't have shown in the writing.
My world class editor has already set and will reset me straight on the proofing and syntax. I won't address that issue again.
You called me on the too-cute imagery, but failed to note that he was still blindfolded. I'll be less cute, and the blindfold might slip.
I'll give the bindings longer shrift.
Okay, he tries to be clever. Occasionally he succeeds. Not always -nobody is perfect. Oh. You meant me.
As far as loving the pain, the canon on Jeanine is just the opposite - but I felt compelled to explore the other.
Thanks, Mat
Ray:
Another vote for no explanation of the bite. Thanks, and I agree.
I'm glad you liked the two-headed coin. As for explaining how she knows ... are you married? They ALWAYS know.
I agree with the whole safe word issue, I just need to plot something around it that has the same intent. It's the conflict between ends and means, I need another means.
Thank you Ray
Sagittaria:
Thank you for the positives! Thanks also for weighing in on the 'for' side of 'his' cleverness.
Nice catch on the codes. She is pregnant, but it played no part in the story and need not have been coded.
Fainting the first time is integral to the story. The second time, I may have overdone. She need only be totally limp for him to accomplish his goals, and if she pants hard enough, she might very well faint from that alone.
The divergent parts do need a little editing in the pain slut side, a little more divergence, but not a lot. She may like pain, but he still doesn't, and the little he can inflict without betraying his own nature won't satisfy anyone looking for an SM code.
Thanks, Sagittaria.
PleaseCain:
Danged late posters! You caught the blindfold problem. It'll be dislodged in the rewrite.
Yup, people do really pass out, if the experience is particularly intense, or if they hyperventillate. Not very often, and I may have overdone it in the last go-round. I'll take care of that.
Thanks, Cain.
Uther Pendragon:
Thank you, Uther. I rely strive for believability, and I'm no M1ke Hunt, but I think humor is important.
No argument about the setup. I've already agreed that the little details need to be shared. The Preg code has been addressed, and there WILL be chocolate. I still can't believe I left out their trademark delicacy.
You couldn't see how he was prevented from biting her thigh? He panicked!
I really did mean to use the branching to publish, though I may never try it again. Well, not often, and not with this couple. Now you have to finish your story - I won't give away the details, but if folks liked my branching, they're going to swoon over yours. (Feel the pressure?)
Well, I certainly got what I needed from the Fish Tank. I especially liked the input on the 'pain' side, since that was my main worry. The background comments were helpfull, too. Until/unless I gather all of the 'Chocolate' stories into a single story with chapters, I need to remember the details that make each story stand by itself.
My thanks to all of the contributors, and to Desdmona and
Poison Ivan for the web site, and the whole idea.
And (damn, there's that word again) as always, Thanks to
that WCE, Denny.
Gary
"Old submariners never die; they just don't get to go down as often"
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: Always Horny
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 22:32:02 +0200
Stasya wrote
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote:
'le petit mort'
-> La petite mort. "Le petit mort" would mean "the little dead guy".
Separately, Stasya is right to use the past tense. It was used, 100 or 150 years ago in literary circles. But became obsolete long ago.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 21 Oct 2001 22:25:40 GMT
AH wrote:
Stasya wrote
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote:
'le petit mort'
-> La petite mort. "Le petit mort" would mean "the little dead guy".
Separately, Stasya is right to use the past tense. It was used, 100 or 150 years ago in literary circles. But became obsolete long ago.
Obsolete in Period French Literature, perhaps. I have seen many references in current usage, in English and in French. Jordan Shelbourne used it in "Unwrap Party". Heck, I used it, sort of, in "Chocolate RULES." Being archaic or obscure is not the same as obsolete.
Gary
"Old submariners never die; they just don't get to go down as often"
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: dennyw
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 02:48:39 -0700
On Sun, 21 Oct 2001 22:32:02 +0200, Always.Horny@no.spam.thanks (Always Horny) held forth, saying:
Stasya wrote
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote:
'le petit mort'
-> La petite mort. "Le petit mort" would mean "the little dead guy".
Well, that's the 'man in the boat' after he's bitten. <g>
However - thank you for the correction; I don't pretend to know when to use 'le' vs. 'la' (or der/die/das - and I did take some German)
-denny-
"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 10:00:27 -0600
On Sat, 20 Oct 2001 01:15:28 -0000, Sagittaria <sagittaria@softhome.net> wrote:
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
One thing that I found odd was the fact that the lady fainted after orgasm. The first time it could be written off as a plot device (how else could he be smothered?) but when it happened a second time, I think she needs to get her blood pressure checked or maybe even consider an MRI.
Really intense orgasms can do that, even if you are healthy. I'm not sure if the effect is exactly fainting. It feels to me more like sudden intoxication - you can fight it off, but it feels really nice to just let yourself go into the sensation.
Finally, I don't think you should even try to post this on ASSM in a linear form. Maybe they'll allow you to post the first part and then link to your site for the rest. That's allowed for multi-part works, right? The first part, down to the , can stand alone pretty well even if the reader doesn't click on the link to read the rest.
Either that, or post each version separately? I'd go for just doing the web posting like you suggest, because there isn't another easy way to do the multlipe path thing right.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 22 Oct 2001 16:20:20 GMT
Jeff said:
On Sat, 20 Oct 2001 01:15:28 -0000, Sagittaria <sagittaria@softhome.net> wrote:
(restating the URL)
http://www.asstr.org/~Gary/GJ_Chocolate_Sunday_1.htm
Chocolate Sunday (MF Cons Rom bd preg Chocolate) By Gary
One thing that I found odd was the fact that the lady fainted after orgasm. The first time it could be written off as a plot device (how else could he be smothered?) but when it happened a second time, I think she needs to get her blood pressure checked or maybe even consider an MRI.
Really intense orgasms can do that, even if you are healthy. I'm not sure if the effect is exactly fainting. It feels to me more like sudden intoxication - you can fight it off, but it feels really nice to just let yourself go into the sensation.
Also, he's not a doctor, so what looks like a faint to him (especially when his view is restricted to, well, you know), might just be a state of complete euphoria, or lethargy.
Finally, I don't think you should even try to post this on ASSM in a linear form. Maybe they'll allow you to post the first part and then link to your site for the rest. That's allowed for multi-part works, right? The first part, down to the , can stand alone pretty well even if the reader doesn't click on the link to read the rest.
Either that, or post each version separately? I'd go for just doing the web posting like you suggest, because there isn't another easy way to do the multlipe path thing right.
Four posts, labeled ...{Ver 1/4] etc. That's my current plan.
A rewrite has been posted at the URL listed above. There may still be a typo or two - Denny is backlogged. But feel free to take potshots in this thread. I don't know if critique of the revised draft will get into the Fish Tank, though.
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: Souvie
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 22 Oct 2001 10:44:52 -0700
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote in message news:<poq7tt4915pj5oc2hctrhrmjnepum49ira@4ax.com> ...
On Sun, 21 Oct 2001 22:32:02 +0200, Always.Horny@no.spam.thanks (Always Horny) held forth, saying:
Stasya wrote
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote:
'le petit mort'
-> La petite mort. "Le petit mort" would mean "the little dead guy".
Well, that's the 'man in the boat' after he's bitten. <g>
However - thank you for the correction; I don't pretend to know when to use 'le' vs. 'la' (or der/die/das - and I did take some German)
lol I don't know that "le petit mort" would actually mean "the little dead guy" but 'mort' is feminine which means you use 'la' with it. And since it's feminine, you use the feminine form of the adjective 'petit'. I'm taking French and I still get confused. You just don't know which one to use unless you know the word is either feminine or masculine. lol Flip a coin.
By the way, I have a surprise oral exam in French on Wednesday morning. ugh. Now the teacher will find out just how bad I suck (please, no pun intended between "oral exam" and "suck" lol)
- Souvie
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 22 Oct 2001 18:29:18 GMT
Souvie parlayed her French:
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote in message news:<poq7tt4915pj5oc2hctrhrmjnepum49ira@4ax.com> ... On Sun, 21 Oct 2001 22:32:02 +0200, Always.Horny@no.spam.thanks (Always Horny) held forth, saying:
Stasya wrote
At least one culture referred to female orgasm as 'The Little Death'.
dennyw@NoLunch.zipcon.net wrote:
'le petit mort'
-> La petite mort. "Le petit mort" would mean "the little dead guy".
Well, that's the 'man in the boat' after he's bitten. <g>
However - thank you for the correction; I don't pretend to know when to use 'le' vs. 'la' (or der/die/das - and I did take some German)
lol I don't know that "le petit mort" would actually mean "the little dead guy" but 'mort' is feminine which means you use 'la' with it. And since it's feminine, you use the feminine form of the adjective 'petit'. I'm taking French and I still get confused. You just don't know which one to use unless you know the word is either feminine or masculine. lol Flip a coin.
By the way, I have a surprise oral exam in French on Wednesday morning. ugh. Now the teacher will find out just how bad I suck (please, no pun intended between "oral exam" and "suck" lol)
Surface, surface.
The CSS R.E.Lee rises gently through the surface of the placid waters. The forward hatch opens, and a small Frenchman (he's from New Orleans) pops half out of the boat.
Petty Officer 2c Oeuff calls out, "Reports of my demise have been greatly exagerated." He reads Souvie's abnegation of an attempted pun. "Ma cher, twixt French, oral, and suck, I think you have slipping on your Freud, no?"
Just then, a set of hands reach up and attempt to pull down on the man in the boat. Jacques resists, jerking to and fro, back and forth. Suddenly a wailing noise is heard.
"AhOOOga! AhOOOga!"
The little man retreats from sight. The hatch is closed.
Dive, dive.
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: Frank McCoy
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 02:58:54 GMT
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
1.) 2 positive comments
I liked the story.
The comment about the two-headed coin was funny ... but not completely
clear.
2.) 2 things to improve
I'd THINK that if it was ME, in this situation (being the woman, not the man) I wouldn't give a SHIT about the pain, if I knew I had almost suffocated the person I love. I don't care HOW much it hurt.
In fact, if the guy hadn't bitten me hard enough to leave marks for a month or two, I'd almost never forgive him for not loving me enough. Any idiot who would suffocate himself, and leave me forever missing him, just to allow me to feel comfortable the next week, is not to be trusted. The job of a good bottom, is often MUCH harder than that of a good top; and if I didn't get some REALLY good bite (or whatever) to make me stop killing him, then I doubt I'd ever trust him again to be a bottom. So the situation we both loved would have to stop.
I'll take pain ... no matter HOW much I hate it (I followed the "She hates pain" path) to save my lover any day. And, I suspect that she would too. For losing a lover is FAR worse pain than just about any single physical bite could ever be (assuming he didn't bite something valuable clear off).
No, I'd THANK the guy for biting me; and cuss the Hell out of him for even apologizing! After all, it was ME that fell down on the job of taking care of him and worrying about HIS safety. I mean, isn't that the job of a top? And it's the job of a bottom to let the top know BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY when the top has gone too far. So ... He did his job ... She did NOT do hers. That she didn't have a dead body to face, would be worth ANY pain she got from him biting her to save his life.
That's really only one thing I'd think to improve ... but it's definitely a biggy.
3.) Try not to repeat
Didn't.
Sorry it took me so damned long to get around to commenting on this.
I've been saving it to comment on for a week or so.
Oh yeah ... The "choose your story-line", AKA directed-path, was OK ... but I PREFER my stories to be decided by the author, not the reader. Having read several books based on that idea, I found them to be a lot less engrossing than linear stories. But like I said, it was OK. Nothing bad about it, if you don't mind the extra work in writing alternatives.
/ ' /
,-/-, . __ /
(/ / ((/|/ / </ <
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 28 Oct 2001 05:35:25 GMT
<snips>
Frank and I said:
The comment about the two-headed coin was funny ... but not completely clear.
I'm not clear which comment you mean.
That he got one inpreparation for their next game?
That, but that it (fairly obviously) hadn't been used yet ... So ... How did she know, and what point of mentioning it (by her) when (in the story) HE hadn't mentioned having it yet.
How did she know? Although a good magician or wife never reveals their secrets, I'd speculate that it was in his pocket when she needed change for something, or when she did the laundry, or she saw both sides when he prepared to flip it. It isn't important. She KNEW, and she let him know that she knew. It's just one of those little side issues that pop up in any discussion.
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 28 Oct 2001 00:36:34 GMT
Frank added insites of his own:
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
1.) 2 positive comments
I liked the story.
Thanks, Frank!
The comment about the two-headed coin was funny ... but not completely clear.
I'm not clear which comment you mean.
That he got one inpreparation for their next game? I would hope that by this point it is obvious that they take turns being tied up, decided by a coin toss, and he planned to win the next toss. (I suppose I could have discussed his motivation for wanting to win.)
That he was going to get rid of it? He saw the folly of his ways.
That she knew about it and wanted him to play nice? That's just the way she is.
2.) 2 things to improve
I'd THINK that if it was ME, in this situation (being the woman, not the man) I wouldn't give a SHIT about the pain, if I knew I had almost suffocated the person I love. I don't care HOW much it hurt.
In fact, if the guy hadn't bitten me hard enough to leave marks for a month or two, I'd almost never forgive him for not loving me enough. Any idiot who would suffocate himself, and leave me forever missing him, just to allow me to feel comfortable the next week, is not to be trusted. The job of a good bottom, is often MUCH harder than that of a good top; and if I didn't get some REALLY good bite (or whatever) to make me stop killing him, then I doubt I'd ever trust him again to be a bottom. So the situation we both loved would have to stop.
I see your point, and it's pretty much that of the people who objected to "no safe word." If these two amateurs "Playing" at bondage don't get their shit together, someone is going to get hurt and they'll both regret it. I think I have a hopperette for the next story. They (ergo I) need to do some more research before that happens.
I'll take pain ... no matter HOW much I hate it (I followed the "She hates pain" path) to save my lover any day. And, I suspect that she would too. For losing a lover is FAR worse pain than just about any single physical bite could ever be (assuming he didn't bite something valuable clear off).
You make your point quite eloquently.
No, I'd THANK the guy for biting me; and cuss the Hell out of him for even apologizing! After all, it was ME that fell down on the job of taking care of him and worrying about HIS safety. I mean, isn't that the job of a top? And it's the job of a bottom to let the top know BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY when the top has gone too far. So ... He did his job ... She did NOT do hers. That she didn't have a dead body to face, would be worth ANY pain she got from him biting her to save his life.
Amateurs. Rank amateurs, who have no business playing with something they don't understand. Of course, that didn't stop them.
That's really only one thing I'd think to improve ... but it's definitely a biggy.
I won't go so far as to have them sign up at a bondage school or hire a tutor, but I'll certainly encourage them to learn Safe Bondage before they resume playing.
3.) Try not to repeat
Didn't.
Sorry it took me so damned long to get around to commenting on this. I've been saving it to comment on for a week or so.
No problem. Very educational. A little more forceful than being told that authors and their characters should be roll models, if in the same vein.
Oh yeah ... The "choose your story-line", AKA directed-path, was OK ... but I PREFER my stories to be decided by the author, not the reader. Having read several books based on that idea, I found them to be a lot less engrossing than linear stories. But like I said, it was OK. Nothing bad about it, if you don't mind the extra work in writing alternatives.
I didn't mind, this time. I'm not planning on making a habit of it. (I can't speak for my muse.)
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 20:51:24 -0600
On 28 Oct 2001 00:36:34 GMT, pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed (Gary) wrote:
Frank added insites of his own:
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
2.) 2 things to improve
I'd THINK that if it was ME, in this situation (being the woman, not the man) I wouldn't give a SHIT about the pain, if I knew I had almost suffocated the person I love. I don't care HOW much it hurt.
In fact, if the guy hadn't bitten me hard enough to leave marks for a month or two, I'd almost never forgive him for not loving me enough. Any idiot who would suffocate himself, and leave me forever missing him, just to allow me to feel comfortable the next week, is not to be trusted. The job of a good bottom, is often MUCH harder than that of a good top; and if I didn't get some REALLY good bite (or whatever) to make me stop killing him, then I doubt I'd ever trust him again to be a bottom. So the situation we both loved would have to stop.
I see your point, and it's pretty much that of the people who objected to "no safe word." If these two amateurs "Playing" at bondage don't get their shit together, someone is going to get hurt and they'll both regret it. I think I have a hopperette for the next story. They (ergo I) need to do some more research before that happens.
Even without bondage, being able to communicate is pretty important. On the other hand, "no safe word" can mean that any reasonable request to stop would end the game. Not everyone who gets into bondage games figures out safe words right off.
Still, once bitten, twice shy :-) OK, less pointedly biting at the story, the idea that they'd figure out the need to have clearer rules for these games, since they like them, is a good thing. To me, it makes sense that they'd figure out how to handle it best as they go, and a risky situation would just speed up the process.
Amateurs. Rank amateurs, who have no business playing with something they don't understand. Of course, that didn't stop them.
How would they ever figure out that they might like it without trying it? I admit as well that this particular risk seems unlikely for people playing, unless they are high or intoxicated (one of the risks worth pointing out in stories).
That's really only one thing I'd think to improve ... but it's definitely a biggy.
I won't go so far as to have them sign up at a bondage school or hire a tutor, but I'll certainly encourage them to learn Safe Bondage before they resume playing.
They wouldn't have to look all that hard with all the info on the net. Even reading through a lot of the stories around here would give you ideas - especially if you read about some of the nc sorts of bondage tales.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Frank McCoy
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 03:06:39 GMT
pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed (Gary) wrote:
Frank added insites of his own:
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
1.) 2 positive comments
I liked the story.
Thanks, Frank!
The comment about the two-headed coin was funny ... but not completely clear.
I'm not clear which comment you mean.
That he got one inpreparation for their next game?
That, but that it (fairly obviously) hadn't been used yet ... So ... How did she know, and what point of mentioning it (by her) when (in the story) HE hadn't mentioned having it yet.
I would
hope that by this point it is obvious that they take turns being tied up, decided by a coin toss, and he planned to win the next toss. (I suppose I could have discussed his motivation for wanting to win.)
That he was going to get rid of it? He saw the folly of his ways.
That she knew about it and wanted him to play nice? That's just the way she is.
2.) 2 things to improve
I'd THINK that if it was ME, in this situation (being the woman, not the man) I wouldn't give a SHIT about the pain, if I knew I had almost suffocated the person I love. I don't care HOW much it hurt.
In fact, if the guy hadn't bitten me hard enough to leave marks for a month or two, I'd almost never forgive him for not loving me enough. Any idiot who would suffocate himself, and leave me forever missing him, just to allow me to feel comfortable the next week, is not to be trusted. The job of a good bottom, is often MUCH harder than that of a good top; and if I didn't get some REALLY good bite (or whatever) to make me stop killing him, then I doubt I'd ever trust him again to be a bottom. So the situation we both loved would have to stop.
I see your point, and it's pretty much that of the people who objected to "no safe word." If these two amateurs "Playing" at bondage don't get their shit together, someone is going to get hurt and they'll both regret it. I think I have a hopperette for the next story. They (ergo I) need to do some more research before that happens.
I'll take pain ... no matter HOW much I hate it (I followed the "She hates pain" path) to save my lover any day. And, I suspect that she would too. For losing a lover is FAR worse pain than just about any single physical bite could ever be (assuming he didn't bite something valuable clear off).
You make your point quite eloquently.
No, I'd THANK the guy for biting me; and cuss the Hell out of him for even apologizing! After all, it was ME that fell down on the job of taking care of him and worrying about HIS safety. I mean, isn't that the job of a top? And it's the job of a bottom to let the top know BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY when the top has gone too far. So ... He did his job ... She did NOT do hers. That she didn't have a dead body to face, would be worth ANY pain she got from him biting her to save his life.
Amateurs. Rank amateurs, who have no business playing with something they don't understand. Of course, that didn't stop them.
That's really only one thing I'd think to improve ... but it's definitely a biggy.
I won't go so far as to have them sign up at a bondage school or hire a tutor, but I'll certainly encourage them to learn Safe Bondage before they resume playing.
3.) Try not to repeat
Didn't.
Sorry it took me so damned long to get around to commenting on this. I've been saving it to comment on for a week or so.
No problem. Very educational. A little more forceful than being told that authors and their characters should be roll models, if in the same vein.
Oh yeah ... The "choose your story-line", AKA directed-path, was OK ... but I PREFER my stories to be decided by the author, not the reader. Having read several books based on that idea, I found them to be a lot less engrossing than linear stories. But like I said, it was OK. Nothing bad about it, if you don't mind the extra work in writing alternatives.
I didn't mind, this time. I'm not planning on making a habit of it. (I can't speak for my muse.)
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays
/ ' /
,-/-, . __ /
(/ / ((/|/ / </ <
Note that all the comments archived here were culled from active discussions occuring in the Usenet newsgroup alt.sex.stories.d. If you want to contribute to the discussion, please join us in ASSD and say your piece. Everyone is welcome.
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From: Anne747
Re: Chocolate Sunday, by Gary Jordan
Date: 17 Oct 2001 02:14:00 GMT
Okay, good comments:
I liked the idea of different paths. You might have actually solved the problem of 'can't please all of the people all of the time'.
And I read all four potential endings, any of them would work (within the cons rom codes).
Things that jar:
The 'no safewords' bit. I can't help it, but it always makes me nervous. I almost didn't read the 2b stories, but decided I should just to pick a favourite ending.
That she always won the toss (and he mentions she almost always won, but he doesn't hint that she's cheated). I can't help mentioning that statistically .... never mind.
Oh, and if we're voting, I choose 2a - heads.
Anne
(sorry the above reads like a report, but that's what I've been doing most of the day!)
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/