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Plucking the Apple

By Souvie

Souvie says she's not sure where she'd like this story to go, but it's been sitting dormant in her hopper, and she'd definitely like to do something with it.

"A toast," Zeus said, raising his goblet of wine high above his head. "To Thetis and Peleus - may your joys be numerous and your loins be fruitful."

A chorus of "Hear! Hear!" and a slurred "ewe go Peleush" followed as the other guests around the table toasted the happy couple. The wedding banquet was in full swing and more than one reveler was tipped in his cups.

Peleus, one of the Argonauts who had sailed with Jason in search of the Golden Fleece, and Thetis, a sea nymph, had been married that day and all the gods had turned out for the banquet. All except one.

To say the apple appeared unexpectedly would be an understatement. Appearing out of nowhere, it fell from the sky to land with a tinkling sound in the middle of the banquet table. Several bemused guests looked upward to see if any more fruit would follow, while Zeus reached out a hand and to inspect it. It felt warm to the touch and the gold surface seemed to shine with an inner luminescence. Inscribed across the surface were the words "To the Fairest". As he read the words, Zeus's quizzical look turned thunderous. "Eris!" he shouted in a voice so loud, the dishes clinked together. A musical laugh floated around them, carried on the breeze.

"What's that?" Aphrodite asked, snatching the apple out of Zeus's meaty fist. "Oh! A present for me!" She squealed in protest as the apple was plucked from her hand.

"Don't be a twit," Athena said, scornfully. She read the inscription outloud. "It's clearly meant for me." She tossed it playfully up in the air.

Hera grabbed it before it could reconnect with Athena's hand. "Both of you are silly children. I am the fairest so therefore it belongs to me," she stated, in a rare public show of vanity.

All three commenced squabbling. Zeus rubbed his temples. "Shut up for the love of Cupid! Can't you see that is Eris's apple?"

"Eris?" the goddess of Love repeated. "What does that promiscuous cow have to do with my present."

"You mean my present."

"Enough!" Zeus pounded on the table. He'd had just about enough of their bickering. "Think about it, Aphrodite. She's the goddess of Strife. She wasn't invited ..."

"Because she's a slut!" Hera said.

"For once, I agree," Athena put in. "I don't think there isn't a man in all of Greece who hasn't had his hands, and other parts, under her skirts at least once."

"Don't forget the gods, too," Aphrodite added. "I think I get it now. She's hoping to create discord between us because she feels slighted at not being invited."

"Wow, there is a brain under all that blonde hair." Athena couldn't resist getting in the jibe.

Aphrodite started to answer, but Hera slapped a hand over her mouth to stop her. "Dear," she said, addressing Zeus, "It's quite evident that you're going to have a make a decision. Who does the apple belong to?"

All of a sudden Zeus found himself the center of some very unwanted attention. He knew women all too well, and knew that he might as well have been stuck between Scylla and Charybdis.

Thinking quickly, an art he'd perfected over the years of being married to Hera, he announced, "I'm too biased to make a decision of this importance." He almost choked on the last word. Important his ass! "Not far away, on Mt. Ida is a shepherd by the name of Paris. Hermes will take you to him, and he will decide who gets the apple. Will you agree to abide by his decision?"

They nodded in acceptance.

"One more thing," Zeus added, as Hermes drifted over to stand beside him. "No underhanded, sneaky tricks. You can do anything you want, short of putting him under a spell to vote in your favor." He handed the apple to Hermes then clapped his hands. The musicians, who had been silent since the beginning of the furor, started up again. He turned his attention to back to the festivities, effectively dismissing the trio.

Hermes floated several feet above the ground and said with a broad smile, "If you will follow me ..."

Boring. That was the word that had been running through Paris's head all day. He leaned against his staff and watched the sheep grazing on the lush green grass. His life was utterly and completely boring. He arose before dawn, ate a meager breakfast, fed the other animals around his parents' house and then tended the flock till dusk. Then it was a quick wash in the stream, dinner and to bed. Same old same old. 'Just once I wish something exciting would happen,' he thought, for about the hundredth time.

The air around him shimmered like the sun on the Aegean Sea. He blinked his eyes and then stared transfixed as four figures took shape before him. The quartet had to be gods. No other answer was plausible to him.

"Are you Paris?" The only male in the group, he was wearing a pair of winged sandals that marked him as Hermes as surely as if his name were tattooed across his forehead.

Paris felt this was a stupid question since he was the only shepherd in the whole valley, but you just don't call a god 'stupid.' Not unless you wanted to spend eternity pushing a boulder up a hill or some other inane torture. So he nodded.

"Zeus has a little job for you," Hermes continued, tossing the apple to Paris. "You're to judge which goddess gets that apple." His job done for the moment, he flew a short distance away where he could sit up in a tree and keep an eye on the proceedings.

"So, choose!" Hera commanded. "Don't just stand there with your mouth hanging open."