The separator between the comment pane and the story pane is moveable. Drag it up or down if you need more room to read on the screen.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 04 Dec 2001 22:19:48 GMT
I'll try to come up with my own comments soon. In the meantime:
Gary writes:
If she's so shy and fearful, why did she pick out the thong bikini? Didn't ring true to me. Even if she was already in love with him.
It was a surprise. Not necessarily a bad (from the characterization point of view) surprise - but it might be nice to make a little more of this. Show the narrator as being surprised at the choice, for example. Or have him question her choice later. I'd be really interested to find out why she picked the thong. Maybe she is trying to seduce him. Semi-subconsciously?
The part about not being afraid of pregnancy also rang false, especially for an orphan, especially since he hadn't declared his love back yet. It started to make her seem like just another golddigger, rather than enhancing the romance aspects.
Possibly the most tension in this story has to do with whether she is in fact a golddigger. Whether or not she is (and it seems almost certain she isn't), the unprotected sex is one of the highpoints of the story. Sure, it's probably foolish. And yet it's also so sweet. For me it makes the story. It shows that at some really deep level they'd welcome a child and all that it would mean.
- Mat Twassel
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 05 Dec 2001 00:45:21 GMT
Hi Mat! You said ...
Well, you said stuff. El Gato might have wanted to say the same stuff Friday night. Let's give the author a chance to respond before we all turn loose, shall we? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until then, having expressed my 2 plusses and two requests for improvements. already.
Thank you,
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners don't dye. If they fade, they call the new color fashionable."
http://www.asstr.org/~Gary/
http://www.asstr/org/~Gary/Clitorides/Silver_Clitorides.htm
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 05 Dec 2001 03:32:01 GMT
Gary writes:
Hi Mat! You said ...
Well, you said stuff. El Gato might have wanted to say the same stuff Friday night. Let's give the author a chance to respond before we all turn loose, shall we? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until then, having expressed my 2 plusses and two requests for improvements. already.
Thank you,
Gary Jordan
Oh. I knew it was in the rules that the author must wait a week, but I didn't know it was against the law for anyone else to comment on comments during that interval.
Des, can we have a ruling?
I'm not sure why we shouldn't be permitted to comment on comments, especially since we're not supposed to repeat, especially since we have to read all the comments to find out what not to repeat. What's the harm?
I'm also not so sure that repeats aren't a good thing. If several people say the same thing, perhaps that increases the credibility?
Anyway, whatever Des says, I'll be happy to go along. And I will yet try to come up with some original comments for this one, but I notice Nick already said some of the things I wanted to say. (But until Des gives her ruling, my lips are sealed!)
- Mat Twassel
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 03:58:41 GMT
"mat twassel" <mmtwassel@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204223201.12739.00000790@mb-cu.aol.com ...
Gary writes:
Hi Mat! You said ...
Well, you said stuff. El Gato might have wanted to say the same stuff Friday night. Let's give the author a chance to respond before we all turn loose, shall we? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until then, having expressed my
2 plusses and two requests for improvements. already.
Thank you,
Gary Jordan
Oh. I knew it was in the rules that the author must wait a week, but I didn't know it was against the law for anyone else to comment on comments during that interval.
OH NO! I missed that.
Please ignore my answers to posts.<Embarassed Grin>
El Gato
Now I'm really embarassed.
From: Conjugate
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 5 Dec 2001 17:37:43 -0500
El Gato <el_gat09@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:RXgP7.45327$Sx.11524004@news1.elcjn1.sdca.home.com ...
"mat twassel" <mmtwassel@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204223201.12739.00000790@mb-cu.aol.com ... Gary writes:
Hi Mat! You said ...
Well, you said stuff. El Gato might have wanted to say the same stuff Friday night. Let's give the author a chance to respond before we all turn loose, shall we? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until then, having expressed my
2 plusses and two requests for improvements. already.
Thank you,
Gary Jordan
Oh. I knew it was in the rules that the author must wait a week, but I didn't know it was against the law for anyone else to comment on comments during that
interval.
OH NO! I missed that.
Please ignore my answers to posts.<Embarassed Grin>
El Gato
Now I'm really embarassed.
I'm a little puzzled myself. I've often gotten involved in FT discussions that were based around posts made by posters in response to people who were commenting on stories, and I think this often happened before the Friday in which the author was expected to reply. Perhaps I too have sinned?
Conjugate
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 06 Dec 2001 00:30:23 GMT
Subject: Re: {ASSD} FishTank #20 Orphans
Conjugate wondered:
El Gato <el_gat09@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:RXgP7.45327$Sx.11524004@news1.elcjn1.sdca.home.com ...
"mat twassel" <mmtwassel@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204223201.12739.00000790@mb-cu.aol.com ... Gary writes:
Hi Mat! You said ...
Well, you said stuff. El Gato might have wanted to say the same stuff Friday night. Let's give the author a chance to respond before we all turn loose, shall we? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until then, having expressed my
2 plusses and two requests for improvements. already.
Thank you,
Gary Jordan
Oh. I knew it was in the rules that the author must wait a week, but I didn't know it was against the law for anyone else to comment on comments during that
interval.
OH NO! I missed that.
Please ignore my answers to posts.<Embarassed Grin>
El Gato
Now I'm really embarassed.
I'm a little puzzled myself. I've often gotten involved in FT discussions that were based around posts made by posters in response to people who were commenting on stories, and I think this often happened before the Friday in which the author was expected to reply. Perhaps I too have sinned?
Hi, Conjugate!
Nope. Des ruled that it is OKAY to discuss what the other posters say. Her only stipulation seemed to be not to bring up too many NEW points until others had a chance to comment with their own 2+2. So I stank corroded ... er, stand corrected. My comments, and any other posters, are fair game. Wail away.
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners don't dye. If they fade, they call the new color fashionable."
http://www.asstr.org/~Gary/
http://www.asstr/org/~Gary/Clitorides/Silver_Clitorides.htm
From: Desdmona
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 05 Dec 2001 17:49:33 GMT
From: mmtwassel@aol.com (mat twassel)
Oh. I knew it was in the rules that the author must wait a week, but I didn't know it was against the law for anyone else to comment on comments during that interval.
Des, can we have a ruling?
The original idea is for the author to wait until Friday. He/she is the only one that has specific inside knowledge as to the story itself. Yes, El Gato has responded and that was my fault for not reminding him of the Friday guideline. But I still prefer that authors wait. I think in the long run, the feedback will then be more about the story and less about the author's thoughts.
I would like to encourage all other discussion. However, keep in mind that it would be difficult for people trying not to repeat if there is a long discussion on the story early in the week.
The most important thing to remember is:
There are only guidelines to govern the FishTank. There are no hard-set rules. Our goal has always been to provide the best feedback for the authors.
I will have faith in all who participate to do what they think is best to accomplish that goal.
Des
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 03:36:00 GMT
Hi Mat;
I'm not sure I should 'respond' or not, but here's a couple replies.<G>
"mat twassel" <mmtwassel@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204171948.16040.00000701@mb-fm.aol.com ...
I'll try to come up with my own comments soon. In the meantime:
Gary writes:
If she's so shy and fearful, why did she pick out the thong bikini? Didn't ring true to me. Even if she was already in love with him.
It was a surprise. Not necessarily a bad (from the characterization point of view) surprise - but it might be nice to make a little more of this. Show the narrator as being surprised at the choice, for example. Or have him question her choice later. I'd be really interested to find out why she picked the thong. Maybe she is trying to seduce him. Semi-subconsciously?
See my answer to Gary.
The part about not being afraid of pregnancy also rang false, especially for an
orphan, especially since he hadn't declared his love back yet. It started to make her seem like just another golddigger, rather than enhancing the romance aspects.
Possibly the most tension in this story has to do with whether she is in fact a golddigger. Whether or not she is (and it seems almost certain she isn't), the unprotected sex is one of the highpoints of the story. Sure, it's probably foolish. And yet it's also so sweet. For me it makes the story. It shows that at some really deep level they'd welcome a child and all that it would mean.
- Mat Twassel
Thanks, Mat. To me it also made the story. (Especially the ending.) Being 'foolish in love' was part of it. Now I'm a gonna hush up so Mat can make his 'real' comments.<G>
El Gato
From: Conjugate
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2001 18:24:33 -0500
Desdmona22 <desdmona22@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204002934.12708.00000663@mb-cp.aol.com ...
The following is our 20th story in the FishTank. El Gato has asked to post his theme game story to the FishTank. The story is 8218 words long. I'm
posting the
complete story but because of the character restrictions of AOL, I will have to post the story in 2 parts. This constraint is one of the reasons we had chosen a 5000 word limit as a guideline. I have no problem bending the rules to fit the needs of authors &/or readers upon request. The other guidelines apply:
1.) 2 positive comments
2.) 2 things to improve
3.) Try not to repeat!
As always the story and comments will be stored at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/fishtank/base
But because I'm traveling at the moment, this week's story and comments will not be added to the website until next week.
*************************************************** Orphans (MF Rom slow) by El Gato
Slow, nice, gentle. I liked it quite a lot. Also, the spelling and grammar were absolutely flawless, as far as I noticed. (I admit, praising spelling and grammar seems like a stretch, and almost "damning with faint praise" - but I spend so much time bitching about people who can't do it right that it seems only appropriate to recognize it when it is done right.)
2 things to improve: That may be (no pun intended) a hard one. I would have had Danny a wee bit more reluctant to enjoy unprotected sex. That might just be me, as I almost prefer sex with a condom to sex without. Then, too, I might have put a few more words into describing sensations during the act itself, but again that may just be my own personal preference.
Very nicely done!
Conjugate
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 03:30:15 GMT
Hi Conjugate;
"Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net> wrote in message news:u0qmof8sugle73@corp.supernews.com ...
Orphans (MF Rom slow)
by El Gato
Slow, nice, gentle. I liked it quite a lot. Also, the spelling and grammar were absolutely flawless, as far as I noticed. (I admit, praising spelling and grammar seems like a stretch, and almost "damning with faint praise" - but I spend so much time bitching about people who can't do it right that it seems only appropriate to recognize it when it is done right.)
Thanks. I tend to spell-check things, proofread, spell-check again, have my SO read and comment, edit, and then start the spell-check again.<G>
2 things to improve: That may be (no pun intended) a hard one. I would have had Danny a wee bit more reluctant to enjoy unprotected sex. That might just be me, as I almost prefer sex with a condom to sex without. Then, too, I might have put a few more words into describing sensations during the act itself, but again that may just be my own personal preference.
Very nicely done!
Conjugate
Thank you, Conjugate. The decision to not use any protection (in the story) was made to add to the underlying tone. It also helped me to write the ending.<G> Protected sex would have nullified that. Danny's reluctance to have unprotected sex could probably be amplified. Would it add to the story enough for a re-write?
Thanks again, Conjugate.
El Gato
From: Vinnie Tesla
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 04:08:08 GMT
On Tue, 4 Dec 2001 18:24:33 -0500, quoth the "Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net>:
2 things to improve: That may be (no pun intended) a hard one. I would have had Danny a wee bit more reluctant to enjoy unprotected sex. That might just be me, as I almost prefer sex with a condom to sex without.
It's just you.
-Vinnie
http://www.asstr.org/~vinnie_tesla/
"Sex is stranger than lizards" -Mat Twassel
From: Nick
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 4 Dec 2001 15:59:12 -0800
(Heyy, I'm early this time - no danger of repeating what others have written!)
Positive 1 - The idea for this story was very good. It was lyrically executed and it had an excellent closure. I felt the last lines in particular were very powerful.
Positive 2 - Possibly implied from above, but it is oh so nice to come across a story where a so-called 'reluctant virgin' appears naked in front of a guy and is not trying to seduce him! She was human and believable.
Positive 3 - I thought the description of the sun on the waves as the boat pulled out was worthy of any professional writer.
Whats that? I'm only allowed 2 positives? OK, well someone else can take that one!
Improvement 1 - The style was a little plodding. This detracts from the execution somewhat and if I had been reading 'for fun' I may well have got bored before the end of the first quarter (as a sub-issue, being British I know next to nothing about the US educational system and, despite all those high-school movies the kids watch, I'm not too sure what a sophomore is. Result: i had no idea how old they were!). What you need to do is introduce a hook early on, to get the reader interested. You might start the relationship with a fight or something. That would leverage the ending still more (as any Hollywood director knows!)
Improvement 2 - I felt that too little use had been made of the fact that she had been raped. This has the potential to add lots of interesting undercurrents to the final seduction scene - it would probably affect his performance through his concern, and she might be more hestitant in certain areas. Be careful though. Too much emotional complexity and the thing could collapse under its own weight.
Overall, a well worthwhile read.
(Oh! is that positive no 4?)
Nick
desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote in message news:<20011204003640.12708.00000664@mb-cp.aol.com> ...
The following is the second part of El Gato's story "Orphans" as it was submitted to the FishTank.
************************************* I was up early the next morning, and decided to go for a swim. I put on my trunks and went up on deck, stopping long enough to get the coffee ready. I climbed down to the fantail so I could ease into the water. I put the boarding ladder down, and climbed down into the warm waters. I luxuriated in the feeling, swimming slowly for a half-hour. When I climbed up onto the fantail, I looked up to see Sharon sleepily watching me from the aft deck. She was still wearing a baggy long-sleeved shirt and pants, her hair in disarray around her head. Her glasses had been abandoned in her forgetfulness. I thought she looked beautiful.
"Hi there, sleepyhead." I reached for the towel I had left on the covered watercraft.
Sharon covered her yawn with her hand, waving with the other. "G'morning. I just woke up."
"I can tell, want some coffee? I'll make breakfast, if you think you'll be ready."
"That sounds great, coffee first. Then some breakfast."
I climbed up to the aft deck. "The coffee just needs to be turned on, then I'll start cooking. I feel like ham and eggs this morning, how about you?"
She smiled at me, "Me, too. I slept great last night, and am starting to wake up hungry."
Sharon followed me into the galley, and sat at the small table. Soon she was sipping her coffee, watching me cook breakfast. "I've known you almost a year now, and you never told me you could cook. Any other surprises?"
"Yep, I also play the accordion, tap dance, and juggle." I deadpanned while placing breakfast on the table. She smiled at me as I seated myself across from her.
Breakfast was quickly demolished, and Sharon insisted she wash while I dried. Soon the last fork and plate was safely stowed away.
"What's on the agenda today?" she asked as we sat over two fresh coffees.
"Have you ever been on a personal watercraft?" I asked.
"What's a 'personal watercraft'? And no, I haven't."
"Well, the Jet Ski and jet boat are both personal watercraft, and there just happen to be two jet boats stowed on the fantail under the tarp. How about we play on them today?"
"I'd like to, but I didn't bring a swimsuit. I should have remembered to stop and buy one, but forgot. Sorry, Danny." She was chewing on her lower lip.
"Not to worry, Mom left all her stuff on board. I saw at least three suits when I boxed up her stuff. Let me go get it out, and you can see if one will fit."
Sharon looked a little surprised at me, and then a look that worried me crossed her face. "OK. I'll look at them."
I didn't want to push her, though. "No, you don't have to if you don't want to. You can lounge around and soak up the sun, or read, or watch satellite if you'd rather."
She seemed to come to some decision. "I'd love to go play on the water." She smiled, trying to appear more confident. "Now where are those suits I need to try on?"
I brought out the box from below, and broke the tape sealing it. I dug out four suits, and put one back because it didn't have the store tag on it. The three were all bikinis, two were of a modest cut; but one was a thong string bikini. I could see Sharon watching with interest as I placed them on the table. "Are you sure? I mean, we could pull anchor and go to one of the marinas to buy you a suit or two. I really don't mind."
I saw her square her shoulders, and she reached for the thong bikini. "No, I've been too much trouble as is. This will do fine. Is there a wrap to go with any of the suits?" We looked, but no wrap was among my moms' clothes.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Sorry, mom and dad tend to follow the party crowd. I guess appearing in a wrap instead of a bikini isn't on the agenda." I repacked the box, leaving out the two other swimsuits, just in case. "You go change, I'll get the jet boats ready to play."
Thirty minutes later, I was just lowering the second boat in when Sharon came on the aft deck. She had on an old terry robe, and watched as I tied the second boat to the cleat on the fantail. "Come on down, and I'll show you how to run your jet boat." She visibly squared her shoulders, again. Then in one fast motion, she tore off the robe and threw it on the aft railing. She was gorgeous. Perfect figure, full breasts sitting high with pride, the flare of her hips sending signals straight to the primal brain. I stared as she turned around and climbed down the short ladder, mentally shaking myself to stop my hand from reaching out to touch the goddess before me. I stood dumbstruck.
Sharon turned and cast fleeting glances at my face at first, and then she looked on slightly bemused. "Earth to Danny." She quipped.
"Oh. I'm, uh, I'm sorry." I took a deep breath. "You probably already know this, but you're a very beautiful girl. I wasn't quite ready for that."
Sharon blushed, the color racing up her breasts to the line of her neck. "Thanks. Weren't you going to show me about the jet boat?"
I spent a few minutes explaining how to run the jet boat, and the safety features it had. I demonstrated how to get off and on from the fantail, and how to get on if she fell off for some reason. I then reached into the seat compartment of my boat and pulled out some sunscreen. I turned to offer some to Sharon, but she shook her head with a look of almost panic on her face. 'Weird', I thought. After putting on a good coating, I gave Sharon her life vest and put on mine. We climbed on the little jet boats, and headed out.
The first few minutes we stayed in the shelter of the bay, getting used to how they ran. Then we headed out to do some exploring. The rest of the morning, and into early afternoon, we played in the small waves on the lake. The shoreline only held a few points of interest, and as we ate lunch tied together, we decided to head back. Especially since I could see Sharon was getting a bad sunburn. I didn't dare bring out the sun block, though. I was scared of her earlier reaction. I wondered if she was allergic, or something.
I tied up to the fantail first, and then helped Sharon get aboard. She climbed up to the aft deck, and I watched her climb; mesmerized by the sight. I brought the two craft aboard, and tied them down. Sharon was waiting for me just inside the cabin.
"Danny? I think I'm sunburned. Do you have any lotion for sunburn?" she asked.
Again, I was puzzled. She didn't want the sun block, but was asking for sunburn cream? "I've got some very good stuff. I burn very easily, and this stuff is great on sunburns." I motioned her below deck. "Go take a shower, wash off the sweat. I'll put the lotion on your cabin dresser for you."
I could tell she was starting to hurt the way she moved as we went below decks. I took the bottle of 'Afterburn' lotion to her cabin, and left it for her. I went topside to set out the ingredients for dinner. I was just about to start preparations when Sharon called.
"Danny? Could you come here, please?"
"Be right down." I called back. When I saw her, I almost cried. Her sunburn was turning bright red on her neck, but she had put the terry robe back on. It had to be killing her. "Can I help?" She looked at me, and I saw tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Danny. I put this robe on, and can't even move. Could you, Uhm, could you help me with the lotion, please?" She was looking at the deck; she wouldn't look at my face. I felt responsible. I felt like a heel.
Then I had a small brainstorm. "Wait just a second. I've got an idea." I rushed to my cabin, lowered the massage table, and covered it with satin sheets. Then I returned for Sharon. "Come with me, this should be easier on you." I grabbed the lotion, and watched her move painfully into my cabin. She stopped and looked at the table, just staring at it. "You need to take off the robe, and lay on the table."
She was still staring at the table. Then she shuddered, and winced with the pain. "I'm scared, Danny. I'm naked under the robe."
"It's OK. You can trust me. On my honor, I won't do anything but treat your sunburn. OK?"
She sighed. "OK." Then she dropped the robe, and lay face down on the table. She placed her face in the hole, and kept her knees tightly together. I could see the tension in her body, even as she winced at the pain.
I worked as quickly as I could and still be gentle, laying on a thick coating of the gel where she was burned on her back. Then I moved to her ass cheeks, coating the upper side of her globes where they had burned. The backs of her calves were burned, but not as bad as her neck and shoulders. I moved her luxurious hair aside, and coated her neck and shoulders extra thick. "You'll need to turn over, or would you rather do your front?" She didn't answer, just rolled over. I placed the pillow under her head to try to make her more comfortable. I tried not to stare as I continued coating her sunburn. The upper slopes of her breasts were slightly burned, and I gently coated them. Her nipples never got hard, even as I turned crimson in front of her. Her upper thighs looked as bad as her shoulders, I gave them an extra coating. When I finished, I set the bottle aside. "Don't move, try to relax. I'll be right back." She kept her eyes off me, and just nodded.
I went to her cabin, and changed the sheets. Satin would feel better than the cotton that was on them. Then I ran topside and started the bilge fans so I could fire up the main generator. Two minutes later, the generator was up and running; it's hum felt through the deck. I turned on the air conditioner for Sharon's cabin, and grabbed some cool water to take below.
I walked into my cabin, and showed Sharon the water. "I put a straw in it so you don't have to sit up to drink." She nodded, and I placed the straw to her lips. "Are you feeling any better, yet?"
"Just a little. It still hurts pretty bad, though." She drank some more water, and I removed it when she was done.
"I'm going to coat you some more, then you're going to bed in your cabin. Just let me know if you need or want anything. I'll do my best to get it for you." I looked directly into her eyes. "I'm sorry Sharon, I feel responsible you got burned. I didn't know you were allergic to sunscreen."
I swear she blushed even redder. "You're right, I'm not; but I'm not ready to explain. OK?"
"It's OK. Just rest and tell me if you feel sick or anything. I do have some medicine on board for emergencies. In fact, before you go to your cabin, I'll give you something for pain." I smiled gently at this naked beauty. I coated her burns again, and went to the medicine cabinet. I knew dad had our doctor stock the yacht just in case, each year. Yep, there it was. I opened the bottle, and took out a dose of Demerol. I refilled Sharon's' glass, and gave her the pill. "Take this, and let's get you into your cabin." She meekly complied.
I helped her get into her cabin, and under the sheet. She smiled, and thanked me; the medicine was taking effect.
"I turned on the air conditioner for you. Let me know if you get too cold, or if you want anything, OK?" She just nodded, and I left her to sleep.
I went topside, and fixed half of what I had planned for dinner. I checked on Sharon several times before finally going to bed, myself.
In the morning, I woke before sunrise. I took a quick shower after peeking in Sharon's cabin, then went topside and watched the dawn. The coffee must have woken Sharon, she came topside wearing one of the other bikinis. Her burn wasn't bad this morning, I could tell by how she was moving. "Morning. How do you feel, today?" I asked.
"Better. It only hurts a little bit, now. Yesterday was pure agony." She poured some coffee for herself, and sat next to me. "Thanks. That stuff you put on me really works. Is there any more left?" She smiled as she blew on her coffee.
"Yes, I'll go get it right now." I moved to get up, but she placed her hand on my arm to stop me. "Is there something else I can get for you?"
"No, just sit for a while." She sipped her coffee in the early morning light, her face a study of indecision. I watched her face, trying to discern the thoughts behind her beautiful eyes. I could tell the moment she reached a decision. "I need to talk to you. It just isn't easy."
I took her hand, but didn't look at her face, just at the deck. "It's OK. I'm your friend, at least I want to be your friend." I heard her sigh.
"You are my friend. My ONLY friend, actually." She took a deep breath. "Did you ever wonder why I dressed like an old vagabond, and wore those horrible fake glasses?"
I shook my head. "Not after you told me. You have to study hard for your grades; you don't have time to go out. I understand, really I do."
Sharon shook her head. "It isn't the truth. Please just listen, I feel like you deserve some sort of explanation. So here goes. You know about my parents, and how I stayed with Gran my senior year of high school. What you don't know is that mom and dad were very strict with me; I didn't date or go out with anyone until after they died. I met this cute boy that seemed to be a real nice guy, and agreed to go out one weekend. We went to a movie, and after we went to a secluded spot. I didn't know what to do, and to make this story short; he raped me." She took another deep breath. "Gran wanted me to go to the police, but I couldn't do it. So she cleaned me up, and put me in bed. The next week, I changed to a different school. With the clothes you saw, and the glasses, I wasn't very popular. People left me alone, and I was happy."
She squeezed my hand. "When I met you, I felt you were different. I agreed to study with you, and came to enjoy talking with you. When you asked me out, I almost freaked. After you just took me to dinner, I felt foolish, I was ashamed and afraid you knew. But you just kept being my friend."
"Yesterday, when I was naked in front of you, I was too terrified to speak or move. Even the pain wasn't as bad as that. You could have done anything to me, but you didn't even try to feel me up. You only touched me where I was burned. I knew you were going to rape me, and I was ashamed of my fear when you didn't. I saw how you looked at me in that bikini, and know what that look means. That's why I was so scared when you held out the sunscreen bottle. I thought you wanted to put it on me. That scared me, scared me a lot. I should have trusted you. I trust you now." She leaned over and kissed my cheek. "You're my friend."
I blushed, and blinked back a tear. "Thank you. I won't betray that trust. If you think I am, just tell me or give me a swift kick or something. OK?"
Sharon smiled and held out her hand. "Shake on it, and you've got a deal."
I gently shook her hand; I could see her wince some. "Is the sunburn OK? Why don't I go get that sunburn cream?" I rose to leave.
Sharon followed right behind. "I'll go with you. Would you do me a favor and put it on me again? Please?"
"Uhm, OK. Sure. If that's what you want, that is." My desire to see her naked again was probably written across my forehead. And I was blushing.
Sharon laughed a soft laugh. "Yes. I'd like that, please."
We went back to my cabin, I lowered the table, and Sharon got on. She had shed her suit, and was lying naked in my cabin, again. I started at her shoulders, moving her hair aside to coat her skin with the lotion. I used extra on the twin globes of her ass, then went to her calves. She had her legs spread slightly this time, and I could just see her cleft. I rearranged my erection before going back to her shoulders to apply a second coat.
I asked her to roll over, and she rolled over with no hesitation. She looked at my face and smiled when I placed the small pillow under her head. I put more lotion on her arms and shoulders, then moved to the upper slopes of her breasts. I noticed their feel this time, soft and yielding; her nipples were crinkled and erect.I moved lower, and she spread her legs slightly, watching my expression as I smoothed the lotion on her thighs; my hands so close to paradise.I finished, and moved to the head of the table. Sharon reached up, and gently stroked my face.
"Thank you, Danny. That feels so nice." I took her hand and kissed the palm.
"You're welcome. Let this last coat dry, then join me topside. I'll go get breakfast ready. OK?" Sharon smiled and nodded.
I went topside and fixed French toast for breakfast. Sharon appeared wearing the suit she had taken off earlier. The rest of the day was spent just lounging, some small talk, and reading some of the books we had brought along. That night Sharon took a shower, and asked me to put more lotion on. I was happy to comply.
Our third day of vacation, some weather moved in, so we spent the time inside reading. Sharon tried to play a game of chess, but wasn't in my league. Instead, I tried to explain why I did each move, and what could be done to counter it. The sky cleared, and the sun came out, just after dinnertime.
"Didn't you say you had satellite?" Sharon asked.
"Yes, I have to align the dish, but that's easy enough to do. Do you want to watch a movie or something?" I replied.
"Yeah, something like that." She smiled at me. "Can I help set it up?"
"Sure, just watch the receiver and tell me when the meter is strongest." I went to the panel that hid the A/V equipment, and showed her what to look for. With Sharon's help the dish was fired up in no time.
We settled on the couch next to each other with some Jiffy Pop, and I lowered the projection screen. We picked a movie to watch, and turned to the channel. Sharon put my arm around her, and snuggled close; laying her head on my shoulder. I could smell the strawberry fragrance of her shampoo, and feel the swell of her breast against my chest. When the movie ended, Sharon asked if we could take a bathroom break; and then watch another one. I decided that was a splendid idea.
When she came back she was wearing some silk pajamas that had been in mothers clothes. Her breasts swayed as she walked, so I could tell she didn't have on a bra. The short silk skirt framed her sexy legs, and moved teasingly with each step. "I hope your mom doesn't mind I borrowed this. Is it OK?" She pirouetted and posed, holding up her hands.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Yeah, it looks great on you, too." I could swear I didn't see any panties when she spun in front of me. Sharon snuggled back next to me, and laid her hands on my lap. I'm certain she could feel the lump in my swimsuit grow as my erection filled with blood.
Sharon kept gently stroking my bare leg as the movie progressed, only pausing to take my hand and place it on her breast. I gently squeezed and stroked her breast through the thin material, her nipple rock hard against my palm.
She looked up at me, and removed her hand from my lap to pull me into a kiss; her hand returning to it's newfound home. Our kiss deepened, my tongue dueling with hers, tasting her mouth. Our breathing was fast and deep, sharing the oxygen between us as we kissed.
Sharon broke the kiss, and moved her head up on my shoulder so she could whisper in my ear. "I like this. Being next to you, held by you, touched and touching you; all these things feel so good to me." She kissed my ear. "I want to be more than just friends, Danny. I want to be your girlfriend, your girl, whatever you want to call it. Please Danny?" She lifted her head, and was looking in my eyes. I could see both excitement, and fear in her face. I wondered if she could see it in mine.
I smiled at her. "Only if you could agree to one condition."
"You ask it, and it's yours." She laid her head on my shoulder again.
"No matter what else happens, I don't want to lose my study partner. She's my best friend, and I care for her." Her head jerked up in surprise.
"Do you really mean that?" She whispered.
"Yes, I do."
Sharon pulled me into another kiss that started with passion, and kept going. When we pulled apart, she said; "Deal." Then she was kissing me again, pulling me towards her; down onto the couch. I lay with my arm under her; she had her arms around my neck, holding our kiss. I placed my hand on her breast and felt the nipple harden even more as I moved the soft silk across it. I shifted my hand back and forth, softly caressing her breasts and nipples. Sharon eased her hold on me, and I pulled back to look at her face.
She pushed her breast into my hand, and whispered. "Lower."
"You sure?" I inquired.
"Yes, more than anything else. I'm sure." And then she pulled me back to her hungry kisses.
My hand moved lower, and Sharon raised her knee, placing her foot on the top of the couch. I slowly pulled up her skirt, and followed her thigh to find her already wet. I had been right about the panties. I gathered the wetness and brought it up to her clit, wetting it, caressing it; sending shivers through her body. I dipped into her well, plunging only a short way, tracing a path back and forth for her pleasure. Soon she was gasping, crying out softly in her first orgasm given by a man. I gently stroked my finger shallowly within her gates as she rode the pleasure.
When she came down I was pulled into another kiss as I gently stirred her sex. "Oh, Danny!" she cried, looking in my eyes. I brought my finger up and tasted her, looking at her as I did. Her eyes widened, she looked away, then returned to my gaze; the fire burning visibly in her stare.
"Danny, make love to me. I've never made love before, and I want you to be my first. Please, Danny?"
I returned my hand to her soft breast. "If that's what you really want, I will; but let's go to my cabin where it's more comfortable."
"I want it, Danny. I want you."
We rose and walked hand in hand to my cabin. She sat on the bed, and reached for my swimsuit, peeling it off my hips and down to the floor. She then crossed her arm under her breasts and pulled her top of over her head, then scooted back onto the bed as I followed. She raised her hips, allowing me to pull the short skirt down over her sexy legs. I kissed up the inside of each leg as she spread them, encouraging my path. I paused at her gates, tasting her from bottom to top, and then plunging my tongue within her.
She shivered and whined. "Oh, God. Please, Danny. I'm ready. I want you in me, I need you in me. Please!"
I left her cleft reluctantly, and kissed up her torso; only briefly suckling each breast. Sharon's breath was raspy, urgent. Her hand caught my turgid member and guided me to her entrance. I pushed forward slowly, but Sharon pushed back faster. She rocked her hips and seesawed trying to get me inside her faster. It was agonizingly tight, but also very wet. I could feel the muscles of her vagina kneading and pulling until I was finally engulfed within her.
I rose up to watch her face as I started to move within her. Slow deep short strokes, then some long quick strokes, followed by more deep slow strokes. I watched her eyes as they went from wide to narrow slits as she came again, her sugar walls milking me for the seed I could deliver.
When her eyes opened a little wider, I asked. "Sharon, what about birth control? Are you on the pill or anything?"
She shook her head. "No. I'm not, but I don't care. Come in me, Danny. I love you, Danny." Her eyes were shut, again.
I moved my hips forward and around, stirring deeply in her sex as she came. As her eyes opened again, I began a longer stroke, reaching for my own release. I could feel the walls of her vagina clamp down, Sharon was using her muscles to try to make me climax as she watched my face. I could feel the tension rise, and pulled out at the last moment; using my hand to finish on Sharon's stomach. I lay gently on her, keeping most of my weight on my elbows.
Sharon was playing with my hair. "You didn't have to do that, you know. I wouldn't mind you staying inside me." She kissed my forehead.
"I know, but what is said in the heat of passion may sometime be regretted later." I nuzzled a breast. "Besides, I meant what I said. No matter what else happens, I want to keep my friend. I do really care for you, Sharon." I was also deathly afraid of falling in love with someone that didn't love me. That only said words to get to me. I didn't think Sharon was like that, not really, but old defenses only come down slowly.
"I really care for you, too, Danny. These past few days I've been looking at what you mean to me. The thoughts of it have been scaring me a little. I really do think that I'm in love with you. I understand you have to trust before you can really love someone. I trust you with my life, Danny. I also know it's hard for you to trust anyone that wants to be your girlfriend. But please realize that just like you aren't like most guys, I'm not like most girls; not when it involves you." She kissed me. "Let's go clean up a little. Sex is messy." She was smiling.
We 'cleaned up', and got back in my bed. Soon we were fast asleep, holding each other as we dreamed.
The next morning we both slept late, the light filtering in the overhead hatch finally woke me. I was spooned against Sharon's back, one arm under my head, the other holding her soft breast. I gently squeezed it, and softly rubbed the nipple, bringing both it and her awake. She snuggled back against my morning erection.
"Mmm. Good morning. I slept well, did you?" she murmured sleepily.
"Yes. Having a bed partner seems to agree with me." She 'hmmph'd at me. "OK, having YOU as a bed partner seems to agree with me."
She snuggled, again. "That's better." She arched her back, bringing her hips up. Then she reached down and placed me at her entrance. Working together, we managed to get two-thirds of me inside her. "I like that feeling." She started rocking her hips, making a delicious sensation for us both.
Before this went too far, I felt that we should talk. "Sharon, I still don't have any protection. Be careful."
She slowed her movements until it was just a gentle reciprocation. "I know. I have thought about it. I do love you. I know that now. Being with your child wouldn't be the end of the world, you know. Answer me this. If I did become pregnant with your baby, would you abandon me? Would you abandon our child?"
"No, that I would not do. I'm sorry, Sharon. I'm just afraid still, I guess."
"I know that. I trust you, and I love you. But I won't ever demand that you marry me if I get pregnant. I'm not trying to trap you with my feminine wiles, Danny. Do you trust me about that?" She gripped me inside herself.
I moaned. "When you do that it's hard to decide." She giggled. "Yes, I trust you Sharon. I really do trust you."
"Good." Then she started to move her hips, strongly gripping me with her vagina as we moved together. I could feel her muscles flutter, and then she shivered and moaned. I grasped her hip, and began thrusting faster; my own climax wasn't far off.
Sharon placed her hand over mine on her hip. "That's good. Come for me, lover. Come inside me. I want to feel your heat spread as you fill me with your seed. Come for me, Danny."
I moaned, "Ooohhhaaahhhnnnnggg!" or something equally coherent, as I granted her request.
We lay for a few minutes more, basking in the afterglow of our love for each other. Yes. Our love for each other, I knew it was true for me as well as for her. I trusted her long before this. I was falling for her long before this. I pulled her close, and told her. Her only answer was that she already knew.
We had found each other. We had become our own family. Even a baby would only add to this. We were no longer orphans.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The End
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 03:12:10 GMT
Hi Nick;
"Nick" <nick_cassandra@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message news:ac99ddd6.0112041559.2152d9a2@posting.google.com ...
(Heyy, I'm early this time - no danger of repeating what others have written!)
Positive 1 - The idea for this story was very good. It was lyrically executed and it had an excellent closure. I felt the last lines in particular were very powerful.
Positive 2 - Possibly implied from above, but it is oh so nice to come across a story where a so-called 'reluctant virgin' appears naked in front of a guy and is not trying to seduce him! She was human and believable.
Positive 3 - I thought the description of the sun on the waves as the boat pulled out was worthy of any professional writer.
Wow. I don't know what to say. Thanks.
Whats that? I'm only allowed 2 positives? OK, well someone else can take that one!
Thanks for the positive comments. The ending of 'Orphans' just wrote itself. Unusual for me.
Improvement 1 - The style was a little plodding. This detracts from the execution somewhat and if I had been reading 'for fun' I may well have got bored before the end of the first quarter (as a sub-issue, being British I know next to nothing about the US educational system and, despite all those high-school movies the kids watch, I'm not too sure what a sophomore is. Result: i had no idea how old they were!). What you need to do is introduce a hook early on, to get the reader interested. You might start the relationship with a fight or something. That would leverage the ending still more (as any Hollywood director knows!)
Hmm. Hard for me to 'speed things up' sometimes. Most of my stories get a 'Slow' code.<G> I'm printing a sign to go over my computer when I'm writing/editing. It's going to say: "It's the WORLD wide web, dummy." I do tend to forget that little fact. Thanks. Is it worth a re-write, you think? Not sure about the hook early on for this story. I've got others in the hopper that could use that, though. After I post tonight, I'm going to go make some notes.<G> Thanks, again.
Improvement 2 - I felt that too little use had been made of the fact that she had been raped. This has the potential to add lots of interesting undercurrents to the final seduction scene - it would probably affect his performance through his concern, and she might be more hestitant in certain areas. Be careful though. Too much emotional complexity and the thing could collapse under its own weight.
Yes, I agree it adds to the 'flavor' of the interaction of the two. I rewrote that scene three times before I was satisfied. Getting the balance is tough. I decided on the minimalist approach, this time. Hmm. 'Performance anxiety' wasn't an aspect I thought of. I pictured 'Danny' as being brash and cock-sure, with an underlying heart of gold. Not to mention the chip on his shoulder.<G> My SO said she wanted to reach over and slap him a few times. ;-)
Overall, a well worthwhile read.
(Oh! is that positive no 4?)
LOL
Thanks again, Nick.
El Gato
From: dennyw
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 21:10:01 -0800
On Wed, 05 Dec 2001 03:12:10 GMT, "El Gato" <el_gat09@hotmail.com> held forth, saying:
(as a sub-issue,
being British I know next to nothing about the US educational system and, despite all those high-school movies the kids watch, I'm not too sure what a sophomore is. Result: i had no idea how old they were!).
This, of course could be easily fixed. "As Danny looked around at all the other 15-yo boys in his sophomore class ..." or some suchlike. (I've not read the story - there's likely a spot for such a titbit.)
-denny-
"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2001 02:46:41 GMT
Hi Gary;
"Gary Jordan" <pjcocoa@aol.come.to.bed> wrote in message news:20011204163101.14712.00000666@mb-fw.aol.com ...
2 good things
First, I am a sucker for romance. (There's a shock.) And this one got me. I said, "Awwwwwwww." More than once.
Thanks. I'm honored.
I really liked that Danny didn't leap at the first chance to say or do anything. That sort of behaviour may be common in stroke fiction, but I've found Danny's behaviour to be more common, IME.
Same here. I've a couple fans say this wasn't a 'realistic' approach, but then I'm from an old school on the subject.
2 things to improve.
If she's so shy and fearful, why did she pick out the thong bikini? Didn't ring true to me. Even if she was already in love with him.
Hmm. I see what you're saying, but I had in mind the 'self destructive behaviour' sometimes associated with low self esteem. Hence the choice of the thong.
The part about not being afraid of pregnancy also rang false, especially for an orphan, especially since he hadn't declared his love back yet. It started to make her seem like just another golddigger, rather than enhancing the romance aspects.
On this aspect I had in mind that the girl had an epiphany. That she could trust another human being, a man at that, and that they already did love each other. Even though they were too blind to see it, at first. They already knew that they didn't want to be apart. They would miss the presence of the other if they went away. (I didn't delve into this too deeply.) How does anyone know they are in love? Difficult question with no true answer, IMO. However, I know I love my wife. If she goes to visit her family, and I can't be with her; I miss her terribly. Now, this is only one small part of being in love, but it is one we all understand (I believe).
El Gato
From: Ray
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Wed, 5 Dec 2001 09:12:33 -0500
"Desdmona22" <desdmona22@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011204003640.12708.00000664@mb-cp.aol.com ...
The following is the second part of El Gato's story "Orphans" as it was submitted to the FishTank.
*************************************
The following is our 20th story in the FishTank. El Gato has asked to post his theme game story to the FishTank. The story is 8218 words long. I'm posting the complete story but because of the character restrictions of AOL, I will have to post the story in 2 parts. This constraint is one of the reasons we had chosen a 5000 word limit as a guideline. I have no problem bending the rules to fit the needs of authors &/or readers upon request. The other guidelines apply:
1.) 2 positive comments
2.) 2 things to improve
3.) Try not to repeat!
First, I did enjoy the story, finding it both cute and somewhat creative. It reminded me of many of the movies and musicals of the 40's. One partner poor the other rich, seeming to have nothing in common at the beginning and falling into each other's arms by the end.
2 - Positive Comments:
1) I liked the fact that they were both 'damaged goods', each entering the relationship with their own cross to bear and their own little protective walls around their hearts and emotions - to some extent.
2) I liked the thoughtfulness and gentleness of the first love making scene. The way he tried to monitor her for reactions as they progressed.
2 - Things to improve:
I left her cleft reluctantly, and kissed up her torso; only briefly suckling each breast. Sharon's breath was raspy, urgent. Her hand caught my turgid member and guided me to her entrance. I pushed forward slowly, but Sharon pushed back faster. She rocked her hips and seesawed trying to get me inside her faster. It was agonizingly tight, but also very wet. I could feel the muscles of her vagina kneading and pulling until I was finally engulfed within her.
In the above paragraph, 'two' words don't work well for me. The words 'turgid member' stick out like a sore thumb in 'his' vocabulary. Fine, He's rich, a supposed 'blue blood', I would guess (to use an old term for it), yet he's still an American college student, and this is not a word the American student generally uses when describing their erect cock, except 'clinically'. This is I believe, 'his' story, told in his thoughts and words. Try to catch the 'mind-set' of a young college student describing his own rigid equipment. Unless he's an English Major, or a writer, 'turgid' is not a word I would choose.
"I know that. I trust you, and I love you. But I won't ever demand that you marry me if I get pregnant. I'm not trying to trap you with my feminine wiles, Danny. Do you trust me about that?" She gripped me inside herself.
I moaned. "When you do that it's hard to decide." She giggled. "Yes, I trust you Sharon. I really do trust you."
Slight problem here, but I'm not sure how you can resolve it, not really. Two days ago, this young woman was wandering around the deck yawning and scratching herself in the morning, hair disheveled and unable to get her juices flowing or truly seem to 'think' coherently until she's had her morning coffee, and now she wakes up totally lucent and needing to affirm the relationship. Beyond that is the fact that this is a young woman with only one previous sexual experience, and that one a rape, yet she completely understands and is able to use her vaginal muscles to both grip and 'tease' him distractedly in the middle of what could be a potentially 'rough' conversation for both. Possibly if she ... wriggled her hips back into his abdomen, teasing his cock enticingly ...
Gripping, squeezing, milking, or drawing on and teasing a cock using strictly vaginal muscles is a practiced art, coming with experimentation by most women in what pleases their partner. It is rarely an instinctive or automatic thing. Of course, "if" she had 'noticed his reactions' to her squeezing during the previous nights session ... Yet, even with that, we are still dealing with a woman who's damaged goods through her only previous sexual experience and she suddenly understands muscular 'teasing'.
As I said at the start, I do like and enjoy the story, and I really like the fact that they 'are' damaged goods with their own baggage to get past in the relationship. I think you have handled the situation well, giving them months of getting to know one another and to come to a point of trust and change in their relationship.
There was one other point I wanted to discuss, but I've had my two, and I think someone else will cover it before the week is ended, so I'll shut up now.
Ray
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 05 Dec 2001 14:34:25 GMT
It a good story with good characters, and an inspired setting. The ship fits perfectly. The boy and girl have chemistry. Part of it is because they seem to take some care with each other. You make some great choices. Both incidents I mentioned in "Gary's thread" are risks, sure. The choice of swimsuit - it gives us something to think about - it makes the girl and the story more interesting. I think she probably picked the thong for a combination of reasons: she wanted to break out of her shell; she wanted to reward or please the guy; she wanted to reclaim herself. The thong choice was emblematic. Of course there's that little undercurrent of seduction. Maybe she is after the money. Nothing that she says or does leads us to believe that this is true, but we can't help having it in the back of our minds, and the story benefits because it's there. Similarly the unprotected sex. Maybe it's not that big a risk for the rich kid. Clearly for this couple it's important to act that way. There is a sort of responsibility in their irresponsibility. It shows them. It's a fine story moment.
I like the tone of the story - there's a sort of slow mist. Part of this is pace. Part is style. But I agree with Nick that the beginning is probably too slow. At the start we should see the characters more and be told less. Other things being equal, in a short story I'm for getting into the present action of the story as soon as possible. Bring up the background along the way. Many of the little asides are distracting. They don't advance the story nor do they provide critical background information enough to make up for the jarring tone. The bit about the governess, for example - if you had an early scene in which the characters talked about their childhood, a few words about the governess might be just the thing. Get the characters interacting earlier, in any event, and (as Nick suggested) you can intimate a bit of the conflict, provide some tension.
In the first half of the story, especially, I noticed a few too many filler words and phrases. Watch out for "still, though, too, even, but, just" - these words snag the reader if there are too many of them. I know you're trying to be natural, but the cost is flow and precision, and it adds up.
A few examples:
We still kept the same schedule at the library, though.
She just smiled and nodded her agreement.
I'll still miss you, though."
I thought I saw her wipe a tear, but she was looking away again.
She turned back to me, but was looking down still. "Is your offer still open?
She punched me a little harder, that time.
- Mat Twassel
From: PleaseCain
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 06 Dec 2001 23:08:51 GMT
You do a good job with the broad sweep of a romance. Dirty Dawg and Backrub used to do stories like this, about meeting a wonderful girl, having the relationship deepen, and then overcoming the Obstacle, kind of like the themes of Lifetime movies, before the couple consummate their love. Your writing style is effective too, so casual that we let you take us wherever you want with the characters - that kind of natural tone is not as easy to pull off as it seems.
On the other hand, I think you try to accomplish too much through dialogue. If you cram a lot of narration and background within conversation, you can come off sounding like Oliver Stone on a bad day: "Then I'd be only one of four-and-a-half million of my people to die at the hands of the white man . . ." and that kind of embarrassing malarkey. Some other incidental details along the way could also be cut, like the aside about SUVs which does nothing to further the story, but at some point you'd be axing into your characterizations, a strong suit of yours, so I guess this is not a major stumbling block.
Good story. It was a pleasure to read.
Cain
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 18:54:41 GMT
Hi PleaseCain;
"PleaseCain" <pleasecain@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011206180851.20769.00001127@mb-ba.aol.com ...
You do a good job with the broad sweep of a romance. Dirty Dawg and Backrub used to do stories like this, about meeting a wonderful girl, having the relationship deepen, and then overcoming the Obstacle, kind of like the themes of Lifetime movies, before the couple consummate their love. Your writing style is effective too, so casual that we let you take us wherever you want with the characters - that kind of natural tone is not as easy to pull off as it seems.
Thank you, I tend to write, then correct, then edit, then correct, then I have my SO read the story. Then I start all over, again.<G>
On the other hand, I think you try to accomplish too much through
dialogue. If
you cram a lot of narration and background within conversation, you can come off sounding like Oliver Stone on a bad day: "Then I'd be only one of four-and-a-half million of my people to die at the hands of the white man . . ." and that kind of embarrassing malarkey.
Hmm. I'm kinda unsure of this. Could you expound a tiny bit, please?
Some other incidental details along
the way could also be cut, like the aside about SUVs which does nothing to further the story, but at some point you'd be axing into your characterizations, a strong suit of yours, so I guess this is not a major stumbling block.
Yes, I think this may be a weak point in the story. I re-wrote it and added that little set of asides as a way of adding to his personality. It doesn't work as well as I had wanted. :-(
Good story. It was a pleasure to read.
Cain
Thank you, and thanks for all your comments.
El Gato
From: PleaseCain
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 10 Dec 2001 01:50:01 GMT
El Gato,
Sorry, I think my feedback may have come off a little bit vague or cute. My suggestion was to try to avoid packing too much specific information into the dialogue, because some of the conversation struck me as being slightly off here and there, but it read much better the second time.
Perhaps her explanation of the rape, and the following passage, both illustrate what I'm saying:
"I've got to stay in the dorm by myself until the summer semester. Grandma isn't well. She put herself into a home, and I can't go stay with her anymore. She wants me to write, but I'm only to visit once a month." She shook her head. "My dorm parents are cool, but even they're leaving for a week. I hate being all alone like that."
That's a lengthy block of explanation.
But, again, it didn't sound as obtrusive when I reread the story.
Best,
Cain
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 10 Dec 2001 02:38:40 GMT
My
suggestion was to try to avoid packing too much specific information into the dialogue
In the classic version of the problem the speakers relate information which is inappropriate to conversation simply in order to provide that information to the reader.
Mary went to the mall where she met Ralph.
"Hi," she said to him. "I'm Mary and as you can see I have blue eyes and long brown hair which reaches way past my shoulders, and under this frilly blue dress I've got a pretty good figure. But what you can't see is that even though I'm a virgin my pussy hair is shaven and my cunt is getting juicier by the second."
"Hi," said the boy. "I'm Ralph and I've got a nine inch cock."
Well, you get the idea.
- Mat Twassel
From: Vinnie Tesla
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 03:17:07 GMT
On 10 Dec 2001 02:38:40 GMT, quoth the mmtwassel@aol.com (mat twassel):
In the classic version of the problem the speakers relate information which is inappropriate to conversation simply in order to provide that information to the reader.
I read a Captain America comic book of my brother's once wherein Cpt. Am. has landed his plane in the Brazillian rainforest, and encounters some natives. He thinks to himself, 'I wonder if they speak Portugese, the national language of Brazil."
I thought this was hillarious.
-Vinnie
http://www.asstr.org/~vinnie_tesla/
"Sex is stranger than lizards" -Mat Twassel
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 04:41:30 GMT
Hi Cain;
"PleaseCain" <pleasecain@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011209205001.11275.00002574@mb-fi.aol.com ...
El Gato,
Sorry, I think my feedback may have come off a little bit vague or cute. My suggestion was to try to avoid packing too much specific information into the dialogue, because some of the conversation struck me as being slightly off here and there, but it read much better the second time.
Perhaps her explanation of the rape, and the following passage, both illustrate what I'm saying:
"I've got to stay in the dorm by myself until the summer semester. Grandma isn't well. She put herself into a home, and I can't go stay with her anymore. She wants me to write, but I'm only to visit once a month." She shook her head. "My dorm parents are cool, but even they're leaving for a week. I hate being all alone like that."
That's a lengthy block of explanation.
But, again, it didn't sound as obtrusive when I reread the story.
Thanks. It is a wordy chunk of change. I actually pared it down in a rewrite.<G>
El Gato
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 04:44:23 GMT
Hi Mat;
"mat twassel" <mmtwassel@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011209213840.20569.00001332@mb-bd.aol.com ...
My
suggestion was to try to avoid packing too much specific information into the dialogue
In the classic version of the problem the speakers relate information which is inappropriate to conversation simply in order to provide that information to the reader.
Mary went to the mall where she met Ralph.
"Hi," she said to him. "I'm Mary and as you can see I have blue eyes and long brown hair which reaches way past my shoulders, and under this frilly blue dress I've got a pretty good figure. But what you can't see is that even though I'm a virgin my pussy hair is shaven and my cunt is getting juicier by the second."
"Hi," said the boy. "I'm Ralph and I've got a nine inch cock."
Well, you get the idea.
- Mat Twassel
Damn! Now I'm going to have to rewrite 'Mary at the Mall', you've given away my best dialogue! <G>
El Gato
From: Anne747
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 07 Dec 2001 02:52:07 GMT
I'm having a problem in not duplicating some of the positives. I'm not a romance fan, but I enjoyed the piece. It had a good feel to it, and the reader gets sucked into wanting to know what happens next.
Minor points:
During the ride to the marina for some reasons I started noticing a few things. You drove for 3 hours, then 1 hour. She had to wait for 20 minutes. Then 40 minutes later .... the numbers just kind of jumped out at me.
The rape issue. Her sudden joy during sex just didn't feel right. No matter how right she felt it was, I guess I felt that the transition was too seemless. For it to fit better, I'd rather see just a 'bad first time' experience. Or, make their first sexual encounter a little less 'perfect'.
Can I sneak in one more (just a little one). She recovered very fast from a bad sunburn. I remember one a few years back during a winter vacation. I wouldn't let my travelling partner come near me for days!
A good story, very nice.
Anne
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 19:16:24 GMT
Hi Anne;
"Anne747" <anon747b@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011206215207.29116.00001825@mb-mq.aol.com ...
I'm having a problem in not duplicating some of the positives. I'm not a romance fan, but I enjoyed the piece. It had a good feel to it, and the reader gets sucked into wanting to know what happens next.
Minor points:
During the ride to the marina for some reasons I started noticing a few things. You drove for 3 hours, then 1 hour. She had to wait for 20 minutes. Then 40 minutes later .... the numbers just kind of jumped out at me.
Hmm. The 3 hours to the lake, and 1 hour to the marina. That was to eslablish this was a big lake.<G> The 'Ill be around twenty minutes' part isn't necessary, it's just how I envisioned him talking. Does it really impact the storyline? I didn't think so when I wrote it.
The rape issue. Her sudden joy during sex just didn't feel right. No matter how right she felt it was, I guess I felt that the transition was too seemless. For it to fit better, I'd rather see just a 'bad first time' experience. Or, make their first sexual encounter a little less 'perfect'.
Hmm. Making the first time a little 'less perfect' would probably make it more believeable. More fumbling and exploring like new lovers tend to do. Thanks.
Can I sneak in one more (just a little one). She recovered very fast from a bad sunburn. I remember one a few years back during a winter vacation. I wouldn't let my travelling partner come near me for days!
I emailed Ann about this right after I read her post. I'll give a short reply here, too. I'm also very susceptible to sunburn. Living in Albuquerque at a mile high, everything that isn't covered with SPF30 tends to get fried. I get burned at least once a year. :-( I have found something that works wonders, though. (I used to use aloe vera, right off the plant.) I didn't use a 'brand name' in the story, but the sunburn cream I use is called 'Insurance' by California Tan Heliotherapy. The first time I used it I was amazed. Very little pain the second day, and none at all on the third. I also didn't peel! This is some real good stuff. ;-)
A good story, very nice.
Anne
Thanks, Anne.
El Gato
From: Anne747
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 09 Dec 2001 04:27:05 GMT
El Gato wrote:
Does it really impact the storyline? I didn't think so when I wrote it.
They were just minor things that jumped out at me. They made me start adding the numbers up (yep, I know I'm strange). I always think of the comments as simply one reader's opinion. The author can pick and choose, or completely ignore the comments. (Since remember, you can't please all of the people all of the time - hell, you're lucky if you can please some of the people some of the time.)
btw - thanks for the sunburn cream info. Especially the not peeling bit. I should avoid the sun, but I don't. They sell the stuff in Canada, so I'm going to check it out.
Anne
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 04:42:55 GMT
Hi Anne;
"Anne747" <anon747b@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011208232705.16266.00002461@mb-ch.aol.com ...
El Gato wrote:
Does it really impact the storyline? I didn't think so when I wrote it.
They were just minor things that jumped out at me. They made me start adding the numbers up (yep, I know I'm strange). I always think of the comments as simply one reader's opinion. The author can pick and choose, or completely ignore the comments. (Since remember, you can't please all of the people all of the time - hell, you're lucky if you can please some of the people some of the time.)
Too true.<G>
btw - thanks for the sunburn cream info. Especially the not peeling bit. I should avoid the sun, but I don't. They sell the stuff in Canada, so I'm going to check it out.
You're welcome.
El Gato
From: dennyw
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 02:13:10 -0800
On 09 Dec 2001 04:27:05 GMT, anon747b@aol.com (Anne747) held forth, saying:
btw - thanks for the sunburn cream info. Especially the not peeling bit. I should avoid the sun, but I don't. They sell the stuff in Canada, so I'm going to check it out.
(not that she'll ever need it when at home in the GWN)
-denny-
"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941
From: Anne747
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 09 Dec 2001 13:07:49 GMT
Denny wrote:
(not that she'll ever need it when at home in the GWN)
I'll have you know Mr. Smartass, that the worst burn I've ever had, was in Ontario - in May!
However, you're right at the moment. Although it's sunny this morning, I'd likely freeze before I burned.
Anne
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/
From: Desdmona
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 08 Dec 2001 05:51:45 GMT
FishTank #20 Orphans by El Gato
El Gato~
This is a wonderful story about hope. The hope of no matter who you are or where you've come from, there is someone you can learn to trust - even if life up until finding that person has been full of pain.
I like the slow pace of the story because it parallels the theme of the story itself. It's a slow process to rebuild the human spirit once its been torn down.
I think the story would benefit with a little more detail about Sharon. After reading it the first time, I almost wondered if the rape was even necessary to the story. Isn't her strict life, loss of parents, and the so-so care from her grandmother enough to make a girl mistrust people? But after some thought, I've decided that maybe it isn't enough, and the rape adds some complexity to her character. But having decided that I think the story needs a couple of scenes that show her skittishness about physical contact. Possibly as they're in the library, Danny could think they've progressed in their relationship only to have Sharon jerk away from accidental contact. Or maybe he's tried to hold her hand or brush the hair from her eyes. Simple acts that she magnifies.
By adding these, it serves two purposes: it justifies his walking on eggshell behavior and it allows the reader to see just how much she does trust Danny when she finally does decide to have sex with him.
Maybe if we see Sharon struggling with her reactions to Danny all along, then it wouldn't be difficult to understand that she might choose a thong bikini simply because she wants Danny to find her attractive, but still doesn't know what else she wants yet.
Along these lines, I agree with Ray about her sexual expertise. If instead Sharon fumbles a bit, and requires some guidance from Danny it would show her naiveté and add to the tenderness of the sex scene.
And sticking with the sex scene, I also think it would benefit if between the first sex scene and the following sex scene in the morning, if Danny would consciously state that he knows he can trust Sharon, simply because it took her so long to open up to him, and he knew how much fear she had to overcome just to have intercourse with him. The revelation that she trusts him enough to give herself to him, punctuates how much he really trusts her with his emotions as well. Trust begets trust!
And finally, I'd get rid of the times Danny talks to the reader like, "What's my name, did you say?" These kind of flippant remarks don't really fit in this poignant tale of hope and trust. The same information could be brought in through dialogue.
Great love story! The kind with a happy ending! Thanks, El Gato for giving us this chance to critique your already-well-thought-of-story!
Des
From: El Gato
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 19:36:00 GMT
"Desdmona22" <desdmona22@aol.com> wrote in message news:20011208005145.12695.00001326@mb-cp.aol.com ...
FishTank #20 Orphans by El Gato
El Gato~
This is a wonderful story about hope. The hope of no matter who you are or where you've come from, there is someone you can learn to trust - even if life up until finding that person has been full of pain.
I like the slow pace of the story because it parallels the theme of the story itself. It's a slow process to rebuild the human spirit once its been torn down.
Thank you very much, Des.
I think the story would benefit with a little more detail about Sharon. After reading it the first time, I almost wondered if the rape was even
necessary to
the story. Isn't her strict life, loss of parents, and the so-so care from her grandmother enough to make a girl mistrust people? But after some thought, I've decided that maybe it isn't enough, and the rape adds some complexity to her character. But having decided that I think the story needs a couple of scenes that show her skittishness about physical contact. Possibly as they're in the library, Danny could think they've progressed in their relationship only to have Sharon jerk away from accidental contact. Or maybe he's tried to hold her hand or brush the hair from her eyes. Simple acts that she magnifies.
By adding these, it serves two purposes: it justifies his walking on eggshell behavior and it allows the reader to see just how much she does trust Danny when she finally does decide to have sex with him.
Great suggestions. Thanks. Originally I thought that the reactions Sharon had would be more subdued in the familiar (safe) environs of the Library, campus, or locations like that. Maybe I could add a hint in having her react to Danny trying for a 'goodnight kiss' after taking her to dinner?
Maybe if we see Sharon struggling with her reactions to Danny all along, then it wouldn't be difficult to understand that she might choose a thong bikini simply because she wants Danny to find her attractive, but still doesn't know what else she wants yet.
When I wrote that part I had in mind the sometimes self-destructive behaviour people with low self-esteem sometimes engage in. I was thinking that this was prior to her epiphany of her relationship with Danny.
Along these lines, I agree with Ray about her sexual expertise. If instead Sharon fumbles a bit, and requires some guidance from Danny it would show her naiveté and add to the tenderness of the sex scene.
And sticking with the sex scene, I also think it would benefit if between the first sex scene and the following sex scene in the morning, if Danny would consciously state that he knows he can trust Sharon, simply because it took her so long to open up to him, and he knew how much fear she had to overcome just to have intercourse with him. The revelation that she trusts him enough to give herself to him, punctuates how much he really trusts her with his emotions as well. Trust begets trust!
Yes, the first time probably should be a little 'less perfect' for them both. Even after realizing she loves Danny, Sharon would still be very nervous about the physical act of making love.
And finally, I'd get rid of the times Danny talks to the reader like, "What's my name, did you say?" These kind of flippant remarks don't really fit in this poignant tale of hope and trust. The same information could be brought in through dialogue.
Yes, that's definately a weak point in the story. Thanks.
Great love story! The kind with a happy ending! Thanks, El Gato for giving us this chance to critique your already-well-thought-of-story!
Des
Thanks for letting me participate in the FishTank. Again, my apologies for not reading the conventions more thouroughly; and replying to several posts before today.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented on 'Orphans'. I'm thinking seriously about one last re-write using the suggestions I've been given. They were all well thought out and cogent. Your suggestions are appreciated greatly.
El Gato
From: Always Horny
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001 08:53:41 +0100
Orphans (MF Rom slow) by El Gato
I got around to this story only now because it is so long. I almost skipped it for that. Glad I didn't. It is late for comments but hopefully not too late.
For positives, let me just say that this story is excellent and very romantic, without ever being sugary. Top notch.
I'll just go into a few minor points which are not really bad but could be improved upon to make it even nicer.
Too many quote marks here
I just nodded sagely. "Yes, it's a good fifty-eight feet long. However, the 'marina pilot' just 'tied-off' my fathers 'motor yacht', so let's get this stuff on board."
Here too.
Sharon sat next to me on the captain's chair. "So, what's the plan? What do you do when you're on vacation on a 'motor yacht'?"
Second time you use "demolished" for a meal.
Breakfast was quickly demolished, and Sharon insisted she wash while I dried. Soon the last fork and plate was safely stowed away.
I like the idea of coming to a decision. But do girls "square their shoulders" when they do so? Maybe it's me, but I see this more as a boys' thing. Maybe a deep breath and an eyebrow move instead?
I saw her square her shoulders, and she reached for the thong bikini.
you how to run your jet boat." She visibly squared her shoulders, again.
you." I looked directly into her eyes. "I'm sorry Sharon, I feel responsible you got burned. I didn't know you were allergic to sunscreen." I swear she blushed even redder. "You're right, I'm not; but I'm not ready to explain. OK?"
The "you're right" does not fit. She says the opposite of what he does.
I asked her to roll over, and she rolled over with no hesitation. She looked at my face and smiled when I placed the small pillow under her head. I put more lotion on her arms and shoulders, then moved to the upper slopes of her breasts. I noticed their feel this time, soft and yielding; her nipples were crinkled and erect.I moved lower, and she spread her legs slightly, watching my expression as I smoothed the lotion on her thighs; my hands so close to paradise.I finished, and moved to the head of the table. Sharon reached up, and gently stroked my face.
In this situation, I would have a too visible erection. And be clumsy about hiding it, not scaring, not offending. Might be worth mentioning.
When the movie ended, Sharon asked if we could take a bathroom break; and then watch another one. I decided that was a splendid idea.
something is weak here. Maybe just remove "bathroom"?
She pushed her breast into my hand, and whispered. "Lower." "You sure?" I inquired. "Yes, more than anything else. I'm sure."
I would expect a raped girl to struggle more at this point. To have a visible difficulty before overcoming it.
I left her cleft reluctantly, and kissed up her torso; only briefly suckling each breast. Sharon's breath was raspy, urgent. Her hand caught my turgid member and guided me to her entrance. I pushed forward slowly, but Sharon pushed back faster. She rocked her hips and seesawed trying to get me inside her faster. It was agonizingly tight, but also very wet. I could feel the muscles of her vagina kneading and pulling until I was finally engulfed within her.
Here I would add a sentence about the love side, not just the sex. (IMO) She lusts him, but she also loves him and is overcome by trust.
I rose up to watch her face as I started to move within her. Slow deep short strokes, then some long quick strokes, followed by more deep slow strokes. I watched her eyes as they went from wide to narrow slits as she came again, her sugar walls milking me for the seed I could deliver.
She's really a virgin, right? and that is the first time she experiences coming from making love with a guy. So here one part I would never skip here: eyes filled with wonder, surprise, even admiration.
Birth control: the whole scene is cute, but stretches my SoD a lot. It would be easy to add "besides, it is safe now. I'm not fertile this week" or something similar. Maybe at the end, after her "good".
I moaned. "When you do that it's hard to decide." She giggled. "Yes, I trust you Sharon. I really do trust you." "Good." Then she started to move her hips, strongly gripping me
That one could be rephrased after the exclamation point:
I moaned, "Ooohhhaaahhhnnnnggg!" or something equally coherent, as I granted her request.
This is very powerful. But IMO the reference to a baby is not necessary. It is just as powerful without, and IMO a lot more believable. (Baby on the 1st fuck with a girl? come on)
We had found each other. We had become our own family. Even a baby would only add to this. We were no longer orphans.
Thanks for an excellent story. I enjoyed it a lot.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
Note that all the comments archived here were culled from active discussions occuring in the Usenet newsgroup alt.sex.stories.d. If you want to contribute to the discussion, please join us in ASSD and say your piece. Everyone is welcome.
If you do not know how to read Usenet newsgroups, there is a nice, free web interface on Google: http://groups.google.com/. If you have any problems, send us email. If we're lucky, we'll get you set up and contributing in no time!
If you have not done so, please read the Comment Guidelines. We ask that all comments include two positive remarks and two suggestions for improvement. Please, try not to repeat!
From: Gary Jordan
Re: Orphans, by El Gato
Date: 04 Dec 2001 21:31:01 GMT
2 good things
First, I am a sucker for romance. (There's a shock.) And this one got me. I said, "Awwwwwwww." More than once.
I really liked that Danny didn't leap at the first chance to say or do anything. That sort of behaviour may be common in stroke fiction, but I've found Danny's behaviour to be more common, IME.
2 things to improve.
If she's so shy and fearful, why did she pick out the thong bikini? Didn't ring true to me. Even if she was already in love with him.
The part about not being afraid of pregnancy also rang false, especially for an orphan, especially since he hadn't declared his love back yet. It started to make her seem like just another golddigger, rather than enhancing the romance aspects.
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners don't dye. If they fade, they call the new color fashionable."
http://www.asstr.org/~Gary/
http://www.asstr/org/~Gary/Clitorides/Silver_Clitorides.htm