The separator between the comment pane and the story pane is moveable. Drag it up or down if you need more room to read on the screen.
From: theGreatxIam
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 15 Jul 2002 16:51:47 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ...
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Positives:
Good choice to begin with him already in the apartment, then go back in time to the aquarium. It establishes a mood first and creates a desire in the reader to understand how such an expensive tank got into the place.
You capture the nervousness a relatively new husband might have at finding the right gift for an anniversary.
Improvements:
You need to work on grammar (especially commas) and spelling. Here are a few examples.
In the center of the table was a dozen red roses. ... " ... were a dozen red roses."
a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and shapes all of them languidly swimming around. ... fluorescent lights, and a comma after "shapes."
His company had a record year and the Board of Director's voted to reward the employees. ... "board of directors" lowercase, no apostrophe.
They finished
choosing everything and made sure he had enough money. She shaved a
few
dollars off the price, a quantity discount she said smiling. ... "She
shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount, she said,
smiling."
The manger watched his face and smiled. ... The manager ...
- theGreatxIam
http://www.asstr.org/~theGreatxIam
From: Tesseract
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 15 Jul 2002 20:28:33 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ...
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
FishTank submissions and responses may be found at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
Questions, concerns, suggestions, or submissions may be directed to:
me@desdmona.com or Desdmona22@aol.com
FishTank Anniversary questions may be directed to: ray1031@cac.net or me@desdmona.com
****************************************** The Fish Tank (MF Rom) By Anonisac anoninsac@yahoo.com
If it is not erotic, it is not interesting. - Fernando Arrabal
Wow. Great mood. A sense of anticipation and rising excitement, coupled with the nervousness of someone striving for perfection.
" ... the most beautiful woman in the world." In the second paragraph. I only caught this on a second reading. It's a nice foreshadow of the card.
You bring the story nicely back to the fish, making it a complete story, with an ending. Is that an allegorical statement that Desdmona is a voyeur?
She looked back at the tank and watched the fish swimming in perfect elegance, their colors flashing in the light. Desdmona looked back at her smiling her little fish smile.
Maybe: Desdmona looked back, smiling her little fish smile.
She felt his hardness pressing against her pudenda and felt the warmth and >need for him build deep within her.
It's a personal thing, but I think pudenda is the wrong word here. It doesn't quite fit the mood. Maybe 'her moistness', or 'her womanhood', or 'her moist womanhood'. Not cunt, nor vulva, nor pussy.
One fish was floating at the front of the tank. Desdmona looked down on the spent lovers and floated off thinking lascivious fish thoughts.
Nice ending. I just wanted to see it again.
Tesseract
From: Souvie
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 04:03:01 GMT
On Mon, 15 Jul 2002 07:24:49 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
Positive: I want my husband (when I marry) to be as kind and considerate to me on our first anniversary. He doesn't have to necessarily say "I love you," it's apparent in everything he does, especially when he gives up his electronics to buy her the fish tank, fish and accessories.
Positive: The writing was so good that the grammar/punctuation boo-boo's others have pointed out, didn't jump out at me. I was caught up in the story. :)
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
Improvement: Part of this sentence was a bit confusing -
She looked at them wistfully and he always felt a pang as he watched her eyes fill with longing and slight sadness as they walked out of the aquarium.
I think the confusion would be eliminated if you added "store" at the end of the sentence.
- Souvie
From: Conjugate
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 00:52:21 -0400
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com ...
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Not much to add to what others have said. It was a nice story. I thought it moved well, and I thought the description was just about right. I'm not sure I agree with the nitpick about "was a dozen red roses," since was/were is arguable there. After all, it's only ONE dozen, not more than one, right? But maybe "dozen" is automatically plural? I know many people who will passionately argue either side of this debate, but am not among them myself. I would say, however, that I would re-write this part:
She smiled and adored him. All this, the roses, dinner and the card made her feel more loved than she ever had in her life.
By describing her feelings, you leave his head (his point of view) and enter hers. You should be careful about changing POV like that. If you are going to do omniscient POV, you should make it clear; by describing only his thoughts up until that point, the reader is firmly in his head. I was slightly jarred (only slightly) by the change of POV.
Perhaps you should say, "She smiled adoringly at him. The look she gave him said that the roses, the dinner, and the card made her feel ...." like that.
That would continue to keep the POV in his head, and avoid the slight jar.
Something similar occurs during the sex scene:
He felt the tension grow in his loins and knew it was coming. He held off, one more stroke, one more ... Then it burst; he moaned and emptied himself into her body. She felt him shudder and she pulled him to her one more time as she felt the heat of his passion fill her. She looked up and saw the bright colors of the fish looking down on her as her own climax overwhelmed her.
Again, through whose eyes are we seeing? One POV at a time, unless you make it clear early on that you are going to see the scene through both. That's hard to do right; I stick usually to one POV, unless I make the change clear by changing the paragraph. As you do with the last paragraph:
One fish was floating at the front of the tank. Desdmona looked down on the spent lovers and floated off thinking lascivious fish thoughts.
The change of point of view is well-done here; you mention the fish right away so it's clear that it's the fish's POV we're seeing.
Very good story, overall. Thanks for sharing it.
Conjugate
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 01:17:16 -0700
Anoninsac
A delicate tale of love and relative poverty. It has all the elements of a heart-warming tale of newlywed passion, and although I didn't get much out of it myself, I can see many people enjoying this greatly. Like the present of the Fish Tank, this story is a nice little gift, designed to make you feel good and that all's all right in the world. And why not? Fiction doesn't have to be miserable, even though in the erotically charged world of ASSD, it often seems rather too jolly (thanks to the redemptive powers of full-on sex).
It's getting quite difficult to see how the Fish Tank Anniversary can continue to squeeze much more out of fish tanks and Desdmona's name, but one thing I liked about this is that we have found another solution. OK. It might be an almost obvious one, but someone had to come up with it. And it's none the worse for that. I might quibble that most fish I've seen are remarkably indifferent to whatever's going on around them and I've seen very little evidence that they have the capacity for lascivious thoughts, but it's a nice image to close the story with.
I liked the structure of the story. It was good to sandwich the events leading up to the (slightly burned) meal and the soppy sentimentality, with the circumstances of the fish tank's purchase. Again we have a male protagonist who seems really quite a good chap. In recent stories on Fish Tank, the men are getting really quite a good press, with the women being the lucky recipients of their boundless love and affection. There is clearly a parallel universe somewhere (outside of my experience) where this is so. Perhaps some of the appeal of romantic erotica is just to find a door that enters this strange, sexually active world.
Things that need improving? Perhaps the sex scene could have been shorter. Less is often more. I tend to scan over the sex scenes anyway. They're not very often very erotic. I'm afraid yours was no different. But then I suppose it's quite difficult to say the same thing ("They fucked each other. And it was good fun!") over and over again without it getting a little dull (and I'm sure I'm as guilty of this as much as anyone).
And, because we need to have two things to improve, I think we needed to know a little bit more why the Most Beautiful Woman in the World (isn't that so sweet!) should be so keen on fish and fish tanks. I once knew someone who maintained a fish tank. Fucking enormous it was! I still couldn't see the appeal of watching a load of brightly coloured swimming things go backwards and forwards occasionally opening and shutting their mouths. Perhaps we could be given some idea why this woman is so keen.
A lovely tale. Enough to warm the cockles of any heart,
Bradley Stoke
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: Ray
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 10:59:08 -0400
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
FishTank submissions and responses may be found at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
Questions, concerns, suggestions, or submissions may be directed to:
me@desdmona.com or Desdmona22@aol.com
FishTank Anniversary questions may be directed to: ray1031@cac.net or me@desdmona.com
The Fish Tank (MF Rom)
By Anonisac anoninsac@yahoo.com
If it is not erotic, it is not interesting. - Fernando Arrabal
Anon,
Another fine contribution for the Anniversary Celebration.
I enjoyed this one, very much. The extra steps taken to make the day special for her, to include arranging for a day off at work, were excellent.
I was glad to see her looking at the fish tank and the bright colors as her orgasm took her, I kept looking for it or some reference to the colors seeming to intensify before her eyes as her passions grew. So I was pleased when the option did appear in the love-making scene.
I don't really have any other comments than those already made and the two 'biggest' things that jumped out at me during my read through were already mentioned .... Uther's comma (about which he was absolutely correct) and Souvie's comment about him walking out of the Aquarium "Store" (to me, an 'Aquarium' is a Fish museum for seeing sharks, whales, dolphins and other critters of the deep in nice safe surroundings .... it is not a place to buy fish tanks and tropical fish, so the addition of 'store' feels necessary.
My only real suggestions are for the roses and the beginings of the "I love you's" after the kiss.
For the roses I have an alternate sentence in mind: "In the center of the table a dozen red roses stood in the vase her mother had given us." (or " ... in her favorite vase") adding another special touch to the presentation and cleaning up the niggling. (Honestly, I didn't see anything wrong with how it was written, this is simply a mollifier.
For the I love you's: one character say's I love you, the other 'Thanks for marrying me' the first 'Best thing that ever happened to me' ... It is completely unimportant, and may have been left ambiguous intentionally so the reader may attribute the comments to whichever character they wish. But, if you had specific characters in mind for each, then at least one of the comments needs a qualifier, a he said/she said in some form. The segment works with or without though.
Ray
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 02:55:35 -0700
On 15 Jul 2002 16:51:47 -0700, max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) held forth, saying:
You need to work on grammar (especially commas) and spelling. Here are a few examples.
In the center of the table was a dozen red roses. ... " ... were a dozen red roses."
As you may have gathered from my earlier post in the thread, I proofed this before Anon sent it to Des; while I did indeed miss some things, this one I left deliberately.
The subject of 'was' isn't 'roses' - it's 'a dozen' and that sort of collective is treated as singular in US English. 'The government is ...' 'The management is ...' (both those would have 'were' in the UK and many former colonies)
Rearrange the sentence: A dozen red roses was in the center of the table. Or thus: And roses - a dozen of them was the centerpiece of the table-settings.
So there. :P
<g>
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Shadow Wolf
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 13:10:12 -0700
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote in news:82r7juocuviddqvtt4lf233hd211rk99af@4ax.com:
On 15 Jul 2002 16:51:47 -0700, max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) held forth, saying:
You need to work on grammar (especially commas) and spelling. Here are a few examples.
In the center of the table was a dozen red roses. ... " ... were a dozen red roses."
As you may have gathered from my earlier post in the thread, I proofed this before Anon sent it to Des; while I did indeed miss some things, this one I left deliberately.
The subject of 'was' isn't 'roses' - it's 'a dozen' and that sort of collective is treated as singular in US English.
IMHO "dozen" is an adjective, describing roses - "twelve roses" is plural, and so is "a dozen roses". Now if you said "a dozen of the roses", that would be singular, because "of the roses" is an adjectivial phrase modifying dozen..
'The government is
...' 'The management is ...' (both those would have 'were' in the UK and many former colonies)
Rearrange the sentence: A dozen red roses was in the center of the table.
Same as above - dozen is an adjective.
Or thus: And roses - a dozen of them was the centerpiece of the table-settings.
Here, dozen is the noun.
So there. :P
<g>
Shadow Wolf
shadow_wolf@softhome.net
Stories at http://www.asstr.org/~Shadow_Wolf
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 17:09:19 -0500
On 16 Jul 2002 13:10:12 -0700, shadow_wolf@softhome.net (Shadow Wolf) wrote:
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote in news:82r7juocuviddqvtt4lf233hd211rk99af@4ax.com:
On 15 Jul 2002 16:51:47 -0700, max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) held forth, saying:
You need to work on grammar (especially commas) and spelling. Here are a few examples.
In the center of the table was a dozen red roses. ... " ... were a dozen red roses."
As you may have gathered from my earlier post in the thread, I proofed this before Anon sent it to Des; while I did indeed miss some things, this one I left deliberately.
The subject of 'was' isn't 'roses' - it's 'a dozen' and that sort of collective is treated as singular in US English.
IMHO "dozen" is an adjective, describing roses - "twelve roses" is plural, and so is "a dozen roses". Now if you said "a dozen of the roses", that would be singular, because "of the roses" is an adjectivial phrase modifying dozen..
Right. And in standard usage I'd have to say that it is like a dozen eggs, or many other things. It isn't an uncommon mistake. In a dialog I'd leave it, if I felt it made the speaker seem more real. But AFAIK, neither British nor US use makes "a dozen whatevers" or even "one dozen whatevers" a singular collective.
It isn't like a corporation collective, which US use makes singular.
'The government is
...' 'The management is ...' (both those would have 'were' in the UK and many former colonies)
Rearrange the sentence: A dozen red roses was in the center of the table.
Same as above - dozen is an adjective.
There is a kind of implied singularity to the dozen, but only as an arrangement, vase of, or something like that. It still doesn't make them singular, though, I don't think, if that isn't spelled out. Even if author, reader, and observer might think of them as an entity, I believe it needs something there to make it be so.
"A bouquet of a dozen roses ..." is singular.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 03:27:56 -0700
On 16 Jul 2002 13:10:12 -0700, shadow_wolf@softhome.net (Shadow Wolf) held forth, saying:
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote in news:82r7juocuviddqvtt4lf233hd211rk99af@4ax.com:
On 15 Jul 2002 16:51:47 -0700, max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) held forth, saying:
You need to work on grammar (especially commas) and spelling. Here are a few examples.
In the center of the table was a dozen red roses. ... " ... were a dozen red roses."
As you may have gathered from my earlier post in the thread, I proofed this before Anon sent it to Des; while I did indeed miss some things, this one I left deliberately.
The subject of 'was' isn't 'roses' - it's 'a dozen' and that sort of collective is treated as singular in US English.
IMHO "dozen" is an adjective, describing roses - "twelve roses" is plural, and so is "a dozen roses". Now if you said "a dozen of the roses", that would be singular, because "of the roses" is an adjectivial phrase modifying dozen..
I disagree.
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Conjugate
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 17:30:25 -0400
<dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid> wrote in message news:r4eaju0hrp66sj0ks15vqhk3r3ag1eig7j@4ax.com ...
On 16 Jul 2002 13:10:12 -0700, shadow_wolf@softhome.net (Shadow Wolf) held forth, saying:
IMHO "dozen" is an adjective, describing roses - "twelve roses" is plural, and so is "a dozen roses". Now if you said "a dozen of the roses", that would be singular, because "of the roses" is an adjectivial phrase modifying dozen..
I disagree.
We should have a bitter battle over this, to settle the question once and for all. I propose we call it, "The War of the Roses."
(Alternatively, "a vase with a dozen roses ..." works, too.)
Conjugate
who knows you knew that was coming
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 01:38:56 -0700
On Wed, 17 Jul 2002 17:30:25 -0400, "Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net> held forth, saying:
We should have a bitter battle over this, to settle the question once and for all. I propose we call it, "The War of the Roses."
I'll take York.
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Ray
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 09:28:43 -0400
<dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid> wrote in message news:kkvcjuounag4ahpo5d8irol0e3567p7usf@4ax.com ...
On Wed, 17 Jul 2002 17:30:25 -0400, "Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net> held forth, saying:
We should have a bitter battle over this, to settle the question once and for all. I propose we call it, "The War of the Roses."
I'll take York.
-
Con may have been thinking of Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone ..... Classic Sports cars, Big 4x4s and Chandeliers. :)
Ray
From: Alexis Siefert
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 18 Jul 2002 17:06:26 GMT
Ray" ray1031@cac.net
Date: 7/18/2002 5:28 AM Alaskan Standard Time Message-id: <ElzZ8.76$Jg4.92575@newsfeed.slurp.net>
<dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid> wrote in message news:kkvcjuounag4ahpo5d8irol0e3567p7usf@4ax.com ... On Wed, 17 Jul 2002 17:30:25 -0400, "Conjugate" <conjugate@butter.toast.net> held forth, saying:
We should have a bitter battle over this, to settle the question once and for all. I propose we call it, "The War of the Roses."
I'll take York.
-
Con may have been thinking of Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone ..... Classic Sports cars, Big 4x4s and Chandeliers. :)
Or, perhaps, Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Chandeliers.
If he was thinking about Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone it would be with ice picks and litte white dresses and exposed ...er ...nevermind.
My first instinct was to ask if we could have a bitter butter battle and wear stars on our bellies, but then I realized that this is probably the wrong group for that question.
Alexis.
ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/Alexis_S/ http://www.asstr.org/~Alexis_S/ Celebrating the Events of ASSD/ASSM/ASSTR: http://www.asstr.org/~Alexis_S/HIA_Events.htm The Web's Best Illustrated Adult Fiction is at http://www.ruthiesclub.com/
From: Ray
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 18:13:39 -0400
Oh Fiery Goddess of the Frozen Tundra,
I stand fully corrected and humbled. War of the Roses was the third of the Douglas and Turner movies.
Can't believe I did that ... I love Kathleen Turner movies, with VI Warshawski and Undercover Blues being two of my favorites. Though the only thing I have seen her in that I couldn't watch in a single sitting was Peggy Sue Got Married.
(Has she dropped the ruller yet?)
Ray
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 01:42:19 -0700
On Thu, 18 Jul 2002 18:13:39 -0400, "Ray" <ray1031@cac.net> held forth, saying:
(Has she dropped the ruller yet?)
How did A.E. van Vogt get in here?
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Conjugate
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 22:53:17 -0400
"Alexis Siefert" <alexisinalaska@aol.communicate> wrote in message news:20020718130626.13109.00000208@mb-fq.aol.com ...
My first instinct was to ask if we could have a bitter butter battle and wear stars on our bellies, but then I realized that this is probably the wrong group for that question.
Not necessarily. A bitter butter battle in a puddle in a muddle would at least be mud-wrestling, which is not off-topic. I suppose the stars would work as pasties, but then they wouldn't be on the "bellies," except in cases of extreme sagging.
But I'd be more inclined to look for the owner of the Pants with Nobody Inside. Especially if it's a cute young female.
Conjugate
what a time-saver that would be.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 13:56:35 GMT
What works:
The romantic treatment of the first half of the story. Nice mood!
The last line. Good idea, good image. The fish seems to have some power.
What's missing: A conflict. My first thought was that you should lose the sex scene. Not that I have anything against sex scenes, but it doesn't quite fit. But now I'm thinking that instead of losing the sex scene you should use it and that special fish to give the story some tension. Here's what I would do: Show in the first part of the story that though the man dearly loves the woman, there is something missing in their marriage, something to do with sex. Probably it's that though the woman dearly loves the man, she can't quite give herself up fully to passion. She can't lose herself in the connection. You have the chance to hint that just after those early visits to the pet store she show traces of letting go; on the way home she is naughtier and more lascivious than usual, but once back home the magic dissipates, and the loving is tender but again less than it should be. I also like that the POV switches to her in the second section, but again, you could do more with it - the shift is spotty and incomplete the way you have it. Make the second section all from her POV. I imagine a second section as close to her as the first section was to him. Furthermore, in showing her passion in this section, I think I'd make it seem that it was the guy who kept their earlier lovemaking so tame and contained. Then in the end we have that special fish who has made everything and everyone come together.
I know I'm asking some rewriting, but I think it would be worth it.
- Mat Twassel
Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com
From: oosh
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 15:32:36 +0000 (UTC)
hypertesseract@hotmail.com (Tesseract) wrote in news:b3e529bf.0207151928.1016a1ec@posting.google.com:
She felt his hardness pressing against her pudenda and felt the warmth and >need for him build deep within her.
It's a personal thing, but I think pudenda is the wrong word here. It doesn't quite fit the mood.
Nor the sex, really. I've always thought that the more elaborate male apparatus justifies the plural, but the female should be pudendum, I think.
More importantly, "pudenda" means "things to be ashamed of". I'd only use it in an ironic sense, since I regard the shame of our forefathers to be a symptom of the corruption of their minds.
O.
From: Tesseract
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 19:47:10 -0700
oosh <oosh@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote in message news:<Xns924DA84FA4191ooshgmxnet@217.32.252.50> ...
hypertesseract@hotmail.com (Tesseract) wrote in news:b3e529bf.0207151928.1016a1ec@posting.google.com:
She felt his hardness pressing against her pudenda and felt the warmth and >need for him build deep within her.
It's a personal thing, but I think pudenda is the wrong word here. It doesn't quite fit the mood.
Nor the sex, really. I've always thought that the more elaborate male apparatus justifies the plural, but the female should be pudendum, I think.
More importantly, "pudenda" means "things to be ashamed of". I'd only use it in an ironic sense, since I regard the shame of our forefathers to be a symptom of the corruption of their minds.
O.
I beg to disagree about the "more elaborate male apparatus". More obvious, definitely. But I've always found the female apparatus way more elaborate, all those folds and crevices to explore :-)
Tesseract
From: Desert Don
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 16:27:38 -0700
max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) wrote in message news:<b572662d.0207151551.7aa795a3@posting.google.com> ...
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ... "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount, she said, smiling."
Wouldn't that be: "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount," she said, smiling.
:-)
DD
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 02:26:38 -0700
On 16 Jul 2002 16:27:38 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) wrote in message news:<b572662d.0207151551.7aa795a3@posting.google.com> ... "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ... "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount, she said, smiling."
Wouldn't that be: "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount," she said, smiling.
:-)
DD
Only if we open the quote at 'a' - She shaved a few dollars off the price - "A quantity discount," she said, smiling.
But the narrator certainly can relate speech without showing it as dialog - and since the bit with the fish-store owner is a flashback, I see no problem with doing it as Anon did.
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Desert Don
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 17 Jul 2002 06:57:51 -0700
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote in message news:<utdaju8ggm3oeh4sd42q4ko8k2tfcbbn2l@4ax.com> ...
On 16 Jul 2002 16:27:38 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) wrote in message news:<b572662d.0207151551.7aa795a3@posting.google.com> ... "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ... "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount, she said, smiling."
Wouldn't that be: "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount," she said, smiling.
:-)
DD
Only if we open the quote at 'a' - She shaved a few dollars off the price - "A quantity discount," she said, smiling.
But the narrator certainly can relate speech without showing it as dialog - and since the bit with the fish-store owner is a flashback, I see no problem with doing it as Anon did.
You're right about the quotes, obviously I don't read my own words well enough. Personally I would put the quotes in rather than omitting them as a narrator.
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 12:57:14 -0700
On 17 Jul 2002 06:57:51 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote in message news:<utdaju8ggm3oeh4sd42q4ko8k2tfcbbn2l@4ax.com> ... On 16 Jul 2002 16:27:38 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
max_wojtylak@yahoo.com (theGreatxIam) wrote in message news:<b572662d.0207151551.7aa795a3@posting.google.com> ... "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ... "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount, she said, smiling."
Wouldn't that be: "She shaved a few dollars off the price - a quantity discount," she said, smiling.
:-)
DD
Only if we open the quote at 'a' - She shaved a few dollars off the price - "A quantity discount," she said, smiling.
But the narrator certainly can relate speech without showing it as dialog - and since the bit with the fish-store owner is a flashback, I see no problem with doing it as Anon did.
You're right about the quotes, obviously I don't read my own words well enough. Personally I would put the quotes in rather than omitting them as a narrator.
I suspected you put the first " in to show that you were quoting what Anon had written.
As to putting the quotes in or leaving them out - I think that in such a case as we have here, it's a matter of author's style and preference.
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Desert Don
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 16:53:03 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ...
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
Sorry I originally posted this on the main alt.sex.d board rather than as a F/U to Des' post. I'm learning (albeit slowly).
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Pluses (pozzies??)
Nice romantic build up and illustration of the relative poverty of
many newlyweds. Leads nicely into the 'but we have each other and that
is all that matters' philosophy.
I like the 'furnished in early newlywed'; it conjures fond memories ...
remember the 'brick and board' or 'beer-bottle and board' shelves? -
mnnnn.
Minuses (neggies??)
<On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a
fish tank - a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and
castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and
shapes all of them languidly swimming around.>
Fluorescent - two hookers in that word, the 'uo' and the 'sc'.
Interestingly MSWord's Spell Check does not catch it.
<After they had married she would prowl the aquarium stores.> It's a quibble but there is a tense shifting problem, past perfect to future perfect. If you were to just drop the initial 'had' and use it later as in: "After they married she had prowled the aquarium stores.", you find that it doesn't work either because you now have a misplaced modifier and it sounds like she left the wedding ceremony for the aquarium shops. So ... I suggest: "In the months following their marriage she had prowled the aquarium stores ..."
<He led her around the case and directly in front of the tank. "Ok. Open your eyes." >
I think there has already been a big discussion on OK. Okay? (see discussion in Re: Fish Tank - The One That Got Away, by Mat Twassel - PleaseCain) My feeling is that 'Ok' (lowercase 'k' would be a word pronounced, 'oak' - like the tree or 'ock' as in 'jockey'. So my preference would be either 'OK' or (less likely) 'okay'.
To my way of reading the transition from special dinner and gift to sex is a bit abrupt. We had some tender, romantic moments: candles, card, dinner and the surprise gift that we were prepared for by all the build-up. Suddenly we lose the smooth flow and we're into slam-bam sex scene and the story ends. It smacks of the old joke about "Nice horse: You wanna fuck?" Aquariums have been used for years as a relaxing piece of decor, like a fireplace or a picture window on a particularly scenic view - they all invoke a mellow mood. You already have the fish swimming 'languidly' so just expand on it. I would be more comfortable to have them sit down in the dark, watch the fish for a while, get dreamy and cuddly, kiss, caress and fondle their way into something steamy but still tender; more in keeping with the initial mood you have set.
<One fish was floating at the front of the tank.> The only time my fish ever floated was when they were dead. Belly-up. Maybe 'drifted' would be a better word. And for the following sentence perhaps 'glided away' thinking lascivious fish thoughts? BTW Have they now <named> the fish Desdmona or is it a type of fish? If the latter then you need an article before Desdmona in the last sentence. I guess I would have it something like: "The Desdmona looked down on the spent lovers and glided away into the darker recesses of the tank thinking lascivious fish thoughts." (ostensibly to do the fishy equivalent of masturbating since he/she is all alone)
Nice and tender first anniversary, and yes, paper is not something memorable but I don't know how to effect a change in the tradition. As I recall my first anniversary had the steamy sex though. Thanks for the memory .... DD
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 03:39:53 -0700
On 16 Jul 2002 16:53:03 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
<On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a fish tank - a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and shapes all of them languidly swimming around.> Fluorescent - two hookers in that word, the 'uo' and the 'sc'. Interestingly MSWord's Spell Check does not catch it.
Damn. I thought I caught that one.
But I see something in the above passage I have a problem with. A hundred-gallon tank, filled, weighs a LOT. Like close to 800 pounds, depending on things like how much gravel, size of undergravel filter if any, etc. I have had only one shelf in a home that I'd put a tank like that on. And I had that one built for the purpose.
Perhaps a smaller tank - say 30-40 gallon - would still work for the story, and would definitely be better suited to a shelf that had held a TV.
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- G.B. Shaw
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 16:35:15 -0500
On Wed, 17 Jul 2002 03:39:53 -0700,
dennyw@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net.invalid wrote:
On 16 Jul 2002 16:53:03 -0700, shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) held forth, saying:
<On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a fish tank - a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and shapes all of them languidly swimming around.> Fluorescent - two hookers in that word, the 'uo' and the 'sc'. Interestingly MSWord's Spell Check does not catch it.
Damn. I thought I caught that one.
Odd that the spell check doesn't catch it, unless somehow it is using an abbreviated dictionary. I didn't check MS Word out, though, to see if it always misses it.
But I see something in the above passage I have a problem with. A hundred-gallon tank, filled, weighs a LOT. Like close to 800 pounds, depending on things like how much gravel, size of undergravel filter if any, etc. I have had only one shelf in a home that I'd put a tank like that on. And I had that one built for the purpose.
Perhaps a smaller tank - say 30-40 gallon - would still work for the story, and would definitely be better suited to a shelf that had held a TV.
Well, 100 gallon take is really impressive. Smaller might be OK.
Depends on the shelf. In many old houses and apartments, there is a built-in shelf area which is quite adequate for holding very heavy things. A typical cheap TV stand, or even a typical entertainment center, won't cut it. We used a fish tank stand (cast iron then) for our giant fish tank when I was a kid. It would hold a TV too, but it would be odd to have one in the house.
You never know, though. So many odd things you can find in rummage sales and hand-me-downs.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 19:58:33 -0500
On Mon, 15 Jul 2002 07:24:49 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
Trying not to repeat ...
But that might not be possible. I think that the story is a really nice one, catching the early romantic period of a not so well off marriage. Which is how a lot of people start out, not having piles of money to set up a home with. When the guy ends up with the money to get something really special, he chooses to "sacrifice" it, buying something almost purely for her.
It works out OK. Very OK. Not that all happy anniversaries need to be that way, but I think it is nice to read about one where it does. No "O Henry" twist to it either ;-)
Some minor things to think about:
She is out, and I'm guessing either at school or work during the day. That day he took off, and knew she'd be gone without making some special arrangements. I'm a little curious about that. Also, about what anniversary present she got him.
The happy reaction is nice, but I think there was enough time for her to give him a present, before they got into doing other things. Or to get hit with the "I didn't get you anything so nice, I'm sorry" sort of thing.
If nothing else, even before the big surprise, during dinner I just can see her wanting to give him something in return, right away.
The story is neatly anonymous, the fish has a name but no one else does. At times, in this one, it seemed a bit forced. I know it isn't easy to do that, to leave the characters undetailed except in emotions and actions. Not much description of either one, a little bit for color but not enough to even give a vague impression of the full apperance of either.
I'm not sure if you mean to have them be so anonymous in appearance, so "generic". If that is intended, then maybe dropping the little hints of description out more might be good. In any case, I think that the whole he and she setting is nicely done.
She looked back at the tank and watched the fish swimming in perfect elegance, their colors flashing in the light. Desdmona looked back at her smiling her little fish smile. Tears of joy leaked from her eyes. She pounced on him wrapping him in her arms and dragging his mouth to hers. The kiss of thanks quickly turned to a kiss of passion their tongues swirling together. His hands found her ass and pulled it against him. She felt his hardness pressing against her pudenda and felt the warmth and need for him build deep within her.
Right here, in the paragraph above, I think that things need a bit more of a break. "Tears of joy ..." should start a new paragraph. Maybe even, Desdmona should get her own paragraph too, setting out the change of view/reaction from the "she" of the story.
As it is, we could think that Desdmona is the one crying.
Right after the kissing part, I could see me saying "I love you." Or trying to fit it into the kisses, it feels like that kind of moment.
I kind of feel like seconding the "no pudenda" suggestion. Even though I tend to read "pudenda" as the externally visible parts of the female genitalia, so it matches the area of anatomy of the "hardness," I think that another phrase would catch the feel better.
"her softness," "her most sensitive place," something like that. More a matter of matching terms; if it was "my hard dick pressed ..." then you might not need to change her parts.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 17 Jul 2002 10:49:59 -0600
****************************************** The Fish Tank (MF Rom) By Anonisac anoninsac@yahoo.com
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote:
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
1) I love stories of that sort of relationship. Sexual love is so much more credible when other love is shown.
2) Delightful expression of being newlyweds. Not bad income, but you need everything.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
1) The coding could be improved. (MF rom wl). I usually don't bitch about capitalization, and most search engines don't care; but the more capitals in your subject line, the likelier it is to trip a spam filter.
2) Lose that first comma.
On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a fish ...
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c anon584c@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: Selena Jardine
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 17 Jul 2002 13:20:12 -0700
"Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> wrote in message news:<uj5gcetf17cd47@news.supernews.com> ...
Our second submission this week is part of the FishTank Anniversary. It is a complete story at 1,763 words by Anonisac: A loving couple celebrate their first anniversary with special gifts.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Nitpicks:
1) This is not really a negative, just something to think about. I agree with Mat that the story lacks a bit of a sense of conflict. Not that it has to be a sad story, not at all! But perhaps you could introduce a little more of a sense of how hard it has been on them, and perhaps on their relationship, to scrimp and save. I don't think it would take extensive rewriting, just a few sentences here and there, a little more of a push.
2) In this passage: "Desdmona looked back at her smiling her little fish smile. Tears of joy leaked from her eyes." it is not perfectly clear from whose eyes the tears of joy are leaking. The reader's not too confused, because it's logical that it should be the wife and not the fish, but your immediate antecedent is Desdmona, there. That really is a nitpick, but the lack of names for the couple does make it advisable to clean up that para a little bit.
Nice moments:
1) I liked the burned dinner, eating around the crusty bits. No wife would ever mention that, unless it really was completely inedible. That was well done.
2) The interaction between the couple when she gets her gift is priceless. She loves it and knows the budget at the same time. That was very nicely handled - something you know instinctively is right. Well done.
Thanks for letting us read this!
Selena
selenajardine@yahoo.com
From: PleaseCain
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 18 Jul 2002 08:02:48 GMT
This is a sweet romantic vignette. I enjoyed it. You also met the contest requirements without the story sounding forced. Great job.
The sex is nice, though a bit wordy. By way of illustration, your final pair of sentences are wonderful, although they mostly restate the preceding sentence (which should be cut).
There is some echoing language that distracts. For instance, the television's being "fried" twice in a row, and there seemed to be a lot of beautifuls.
I think the story can be strengthened by cutting verbiage in cases where you tell what is happening, instead of showing it. Phrases like 'she smiled and adored him' where the last three words are unnecessary in the face of her smile and the context. "He stared at the beautiful liquid grace of the fish, which reminded him of the grace of her. 'It's beautiful,' he said." - "the grace of her" can be shortened to simply "her." No major fouls here, just a skill every writer needs to work at.
By the way, I really like Mat's suggestion of building the fish's power into something of a magical love talisman, and Jeff's about revealing her anniversary gift to him - perhaps they had agreed on no anniversary presents at all, and so hers would be the improvised sexual attentions at the conclusion, thus making it like an O. Henry story after all! Those two devices might heighten the power of the story by developing your strongest themes: romance, and the importance of love over material comforts.
Your story is a pleasure to read. Thanks!
Cain
365 decadent treats: visit Mat Twassel's Erotic Calendar - http://calendar.atEros.com
From: Desert Don
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 16 Jul 2002 16:07:39 -0700
Pluses (pozzies??)
Nice romantic build up and illustration of the relative poverty of
many newlyweds. Leads nicely into the 'but we have each other and that
is all that counts' philosophy.
I like the 'furnished in early newlywed'; it conjures fond memories ...
remember the 'brick and board' or 'beer-bottle and board' shelves? -
mnnnn.
Minuses (neggies??)
<On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a
fish tank - a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and
castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and
shapes all of them languidly swimming around.>
Fuorescent - two hookers in that word, the 'uo' and the 'sc'.
Interestingly MSWord's Spell Check does not catch it.
<After they had married she would prowl the aquarium stores.> It's a quibble but there is a tense shifting problem, past perfect to future perfect. If you were to just drop the initial 'had' and use it later as in: "After they married she had prowled the aquarium stores.", doesn't work either because you now have a misplaced modifier and it sounds like she left the wedding ceremony for the aquarium shops. So ...I suggest: "In the months following their marriage she had prowled the aquarium stores ..."
<He led her around the case and directly in front of the tank. "Ok. Open your eyes." >
I think there has already been a big discussion on OK. Okay? (see discussion in Re: Fish Tank - The One That Got Away, by Mat Twassel - PleaseCain) My feeling is that 'Ok' (lowercase 'k' would be a word pronounced, 'oak' - like the tree or 'ock' as in 'jockey'. So my preference would be either 'OK' or (less likely) 'okay'.
To my way of reading the transition from special gift to sex is a bit abrupt. We had some tender, romantic moments: candles, card, dinner and the surprise gift that we were prepared for by all the build-up. Suddenly we lose the smooth flow and we're into slam-bam sex scene and the story ends. It smacks of the old joke about "Nice horse: You wanna fuck?" Aquariums have been used for years as a relaxing piece of decor, like a fireplace or a picture window on a particularly scenic view - they all invoke a mellow mood. I would be more comfortable to have them sit down in the dark, watch the fish get dreamy and cuddly, kiss, caress and fondle their way into something steamy and tender.
<One fish was floating at the front of the tank.> The only time my fish ever floated was when they were dead. Maybe 'drifted' would be a better word. And for the following sentence perhaps 'glided away' thinking lascivious fish thoughts? BTW Have they now <named> the fish Desdmona or is it a type of fish? If the latter then you need an article before Desdmona in the last sentence. I guess I would have it something like: "The Desdmona looked down on the spent lovers and glided away into the darker recesses of the tank thinking lascivious fish thoughts." (ostensibly to do the fishy equivalent of masturbating since he/she is all alone)
Nice and tender first anniversary, and yes, paper is not something memorable but I don't know how to effect a change in the tradition. As I recall my first anniversary had the steamy sex though. Thanks for the memory .... DD
From: Sagittaria
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 23:34:17 -0000
Just adding curlies! {{{ }}}
shuswap69@hotmail.com (Desert Don) wrote in news:9989672d.0207161507.78ba1d91@posting.google.com:
Pluses (pozzies??)
Nice romantic build up and illustration of the relative poverty of many newlyweds. Leads nicely into the 'but we have each other and that is all that counts' philosophy. I like the 'furnished in early newlywed'; it conjures fond memories ... remember the 'brick and board' or 'beer-bottle and board' shelves? - mnnnn. Minuses (neggies??)
<On the shelf where the TV had been, before it fried its wiring, was a fish tank - a beautiful hundred-gallon tank with florescent lights and castles and plants and tropical fish in a dizzying array of colors and shapes all of them languidly swimming around.> Fuorescent - two hookers in that word, the 'uo' and the 'sc'. Interestingly MSWord's Spell Check does not catch it.
<After they had married she would prowl the aquarium stores.> It's a quibble but there is a tense shifting problem, past perfect to future perfect. If you were to just drop the initial 'had' and use it later as in: "After they married she had prowled the aquarium stores.", doesn't work either because you now have a misplaced modifier and it sounds like she left the wedding ceremony for the aquarium shops. So ...I suggest: "In the months following their marriage she had prowled the aquarium stores ..."
<He led her around the case and directly in front of the tank. "Ok. Open your eyes." >
I think there has already been a big discussion on OK. Okay? (see discussion in Re: Fish Tank - The One That Got Away, by Mat Twassel - PleaseCain) My feeling is that 'Ok' (lowercase 'k' would be a word pronounced, 'oak' - like the tree or 'ock' as in 'jockey'. So my preference would be either 'OK' or (less likely) 'okay'.
To my way of reading the transition from special gift to sex is a bit abrupt. We had some tender, romantic moments: candles, card, dinner and the surprise gift that we were prepared for by all the build-up. Suddenly we lose the smooth flow and we're into slam-bam sex scene and the story ends. It smacks of the old joke about "Nice horse: You wanna fuck?" Aquariums have been used for years as a relaxing piece of decor, like a fireplace or a picture window on a particularly scenic view - they all invoke a mellow mood. I would be more comfortable to have them sit down in the dark, watch the fish get dreamy and cuddly, kiss, caress and fondle their way into something steamy and tender.
<One fish was floating at the front of the tank.> The only time my fish ever floated was when they were dead. Maybe 'drifted' would be a better word. And for the following sentence perhaps 'glided away' thinking lascivious fish thoughts? BTW Have they now <named> the fish Desdmona or is it a type of fish? If the latter then you need an article before Desdmona in the last sentence. I guess I would have it something like: "The Desdmona looked down on the spent lovers and glided away into the darker recesses of the tank thinking lascivious fish thoughts." (ostensibly to do the fishy equivalent of masturbating since he/she is all alone)
Nice and tender first anniversary, and yes, paper is not something memorable but I don't know how to effect a change in the tradition. As I recall my first anniversary had the steamy sex though. Thanks for the memory .... DD
- - >Sagittaria< - -
I am a .sig virus. Please put me in your .sig so I can continue to replicate.
From: Anoninsac
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 19 Jul 2002 06:56:24 -0700
Thanks for the comments about the story - especially the complimentary ones lol. Too many comments to address them all but a few responses are appropriate.
Next time I'm just putting a single damn petunia in the story - no more roses ;-)
There are a few inside jokes in the story meant for one reader - pudenda is one. So yes, in any other story I wouldn't have chosen that word. It doesn't fit the story much. It does fit the purpose.
For those single female readers who thought the narrator was a pretty romantic sort my e-mail is ... lol
I liked many of the comments for improvement. I think the most valuable thing is to know where other readers didn't get what I was saying, 'cuz I knew. So I'm going to look at those and see if they can be improved.
THANKS TO ALL FOR THE COMMENTS!
From: Desdmona
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 10:54:18 -0400
The Fish Tank (MF Rom)
By Anonisac anoninsac@yahoo.com
Anonisac~
There are many little things in the story that I recognize as directly written for me. Thank you. It must have been difficult. I especially like the Jimmy Buffet. I'm surprised that no one else has used that Desdemona reference. It makes me wonder if it's really that obscure. Anyway, you've done a nice job of adding personal touches.
Someone else mentioned the line, "The apartment was furnished in early newlywed ..." I wanted to mention it again because it's just so great. It manages to conjure up an exact look of hodge-podge that most newlyweds have, and if I remember correctly, are ecstatic to have. It doesn't matter what the items are, it's just so darn exciting to have something of our own.
Who else has used the word, serendipity lately? What a tiny little thing, but it made me smile. Don't you just love that word? It's one of those words that are cool, just to say, and have the added bonus of having a great meaning. I love it when I stumble across words like that in a story.
Another thing I like about this story is the little things - melting wax on a plate so the candles will stand, hiding a card for two days, holding hands through dinner - these things bring a special reality to the story.
There was a time when I could imagine fantasizing in exactly this way, an almost fairy tale existence. Maybe it's because I'm older, but now I think I'd like to see a few things that make it less "perfect." Maybe he doesn't know the size of the FishTank is really too big for the shelf, and he finds out and has to improvise. Maybe he loses the card he's had hidden for two days, maybe the bonus isn't quite enough to cover the cost, but he buys what he can with the intent to buy more later. I think it's these little things that can occur that make life interesting. Just like the slightly burned dinner ...it's interesting and memorable.
Any other suggestion I might have had to improve has already been mentioned, so I'll end my notes here.
Thank you Anonisac for taking part in the anniversary. I really appreciate your efforts more than I can say.
Des
From: Always Horny
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 20:13:06 +0200
1) 2 positive suggestions
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
The Fish Tank (MF Rom) By Anonisac anoninsac@yahoo.com
I'll cheat a little with the FT rules, because I could not get into this story. Somehow I felt that the author was shifting styles under me too much and too often to stay in it. I am not sure what made me feel so. Maybe the mixture of "vulgar" and "precious" words? (the epithets are both too strong). Anyway I felt that we the style shifts from porn to fluffy poetry too often and too fast. (Now it could just be me over-reacting. I am rather allergic to poetry in my porn, and to porn in poems)
On the positive side, grammar and spelling were good (except the silly typo manager/manger), which is rare enough to be noted.
And the use of Fish Tank and Desdemona is well woven into the story.
My suggestions are also rather on the technical side:
She looked at them wistfully and he always felt a pang as he watched her eyes fill with longing and slight sadness as they walked out of the aquarium.
They walked out of where?
She felt his hardness pressing against her pudenda
Isn't "pudenda" a bit affected? Especially two sentences away from "cock" and "ass".
She squeezed the base of his cock and took his cock in her mouth.
Here, twice cock in the same sentence.
He slowly stroked his cock deeper into her body with each stroke.
And twice stroke.
She guided him to her and his cock found her center slipping between her labia and into her.
Her center was slipping between and into?
Soon he was buried completely. She moaned as his body meshed against hers trapping her clitoris between them. Their bodies moved together in a rhythmic dance of lust. Their passion grew as the pace of their dance accelerated.
Again a shift of style: we were in cocks and now we are in poetic periphrasis.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Anoninsac
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 21 Jul 2002 08:12:16 -0700
Thanks for the comments about the story - especially the complimentary ones lol.
Too many comments to address them all but a few responses are appropriate.
Next time I'm just putting a single damn petunia in the story - no more roses ;-)
There are a few inside jokes in the story meant for one reader - pudenda is one. So yes, in any other story I wouldn't have chosen that word. It doesn't fit the story much. It does fit the purpose.
For those single female readers who thought the narrator was a pretty romantic sort my e-mail is ... lol
I liked many of the comments for improvement. I think the most valuable thing is to know where other readers didn't get what I was saying, 'cuz I knew. So I'm going to look at those and see if they can be improved.
THANKS TO ALL FOR THE COMMENTS!
(I tried to post this yesterday but it disappeared ...)
From: Hamadryad73
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: 23 Jul 2002 15:59:37 GMT
Okay, i'm late on this, but had some really stressful real life stuff last week;
Loved the story. It definately was remincent of my first anniversary. And I can see the shift from feeling poetic to pornographic ...(you can be in love and be horny at the same time ...you're lucky if you feel both for the same person!) I know some people commented against this, but i think its not a horrible thing.
what i did have concerns over;
DD was right, the shift from thanks honey to the knee drop was just too quick.
needed to be a bit more smooth.
The other comment i had was on this line:
"He slowly stroked his cock deeper into her body with each stroke. "
stroked and stroke ....i had to read the sentence twice before it registered. I'd change one of the strokes to another word. ("He slowly slid his cock deeper into her body with each stroke?)
I'll be more timely (i hope) next time!
Dryad
gbbjg@yahoo.com
Note that all the comments archived here were culled from active discussions occuring in the Usenet newsgroup alt.sex.stories.d. If you want to contribute to the discussion, please join us in ASSD and say your piece. Everyone is welcome.
If you do not know how to read Usenet newsgroups, there is a nice, free web interface on Google: http://groups.google.com/. If you have any problems, send us email. If we're lucky, we'll get you set up and contributing in no time!
If you have not done so, please read the Comment Guidelines. We ask that all comments include two positive remarks and two suggestions for improvement. Please, try not to repeat!
From: dennyw
Re: The FishTank, by Anoninsac
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 13:42:12 -0700
On Mon, 15 Jul 2002 07:24:49 -0400, "Desdmona" <me@desdmona.com> held forth, saying:
Oops. Sorry, anon - I missed that. Should be no apostrophe in 'Board of Directors.'
(I probably missed some other stuff. Been getting sloppy in my dotage.)
-denny- (curmudgeon)
"There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." - G.B. Shaw