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From: Always Horny
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: Wed, 03 Oct 2001 09:26:39 +0200
1.) 2 positive comments
1-This parodic vignette is funny. With some tweaking it can be a real giggler.
2-The pace is lively. Kenny does a good job of going thru complicated scenes (six-some) gracefully.
2.) 2 things to improve
1-The typos! Missing words, botched spelling, etc all abound. This has to be the sloppiest state ever submission to the FT. Please do use at least one proofreader before submitting. It is difficult to give a fair appreciation to the text when it is so marred. It is a pity.
2-Either a little work on the suspension of disbelief or more humor. As it is I found myself jarred out of the story a few times because I could not maintain any SoD. (the typos did not help). I had to tell myself that this is a parody to keep going. More humor would make the parody more evident. Alternately, you could try to give some plausibility to the characters. Prolly the former IMO.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Desdmona
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: 03 Oct 2001 13:27:16 GMT
The name of this story alerts me right away to the type of story it's going to be. And it is that "type" but this story is better than most. The very first scene with the nutritionist is very cute, it made me giggle and more importantly, it made me want to read the rest.
I have mixed feelings about the teachers names, on the one hand, I find them clever, on the other hand, with all the Van-somethings, I find them confusing when we get to the heavy sex scenes. I had to stop and reorient myself a couple of times. Normally, when a story is just about gratuitous sex, it really doesn't matter if I remember who is who, but because this story is better than that, I found myself wanting to know who was doing what.
I have one major suggestion to content, when the first round of sex is over, and the girls(cheerleaders) are begging to have orgasms, I really wanted the answer to be, "Well. which is it girls, do you want uniforms or do you want orgasms?" In fact, I think it would be a great cliffhangar to get the gals to come back for another session, and then that is when you could include the 69, and the anal stuff.
One minor suggestion, when the two older women throw down their panties, maybe it would really accent the age difference if there is a brief description of the panties being "old lady panties" if you know what I mean.
And finally, I think the last scene between the teachers is wonderful. In fact, I think the story begins and ends on the same level of smartness. I wish there was just a tad more of this in the parts between.
Can't wait to see the revision, Kenny. Thanks so much for allowing us this chance .
Desdmona
From: Virago Blue
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: 03 Oct 2001 20:00:22 GMT
My positives:
I thought this quickie was clever in a satirical sort of way. :) Kenny did a good job with the, like, teen-speak when the girls were asking for new uniforms. I also liked the way he tied in the action with the subject matter: the shabby uniforms that needed replacing were literally falling off the nubile girls.
I also liked how he described one erection as a "granite intrusion." That's a new one to me and it made me snicker.
The only negatives are several areas that need to be proofread again. Also some little editing problems such as:
'Both young cheerleader thought to herself'
I was told that you always think to yourself so, in other words, leave out "to herself." ... 'Both young cheerleaders thought ..."
Also, this might be a minor nit-picky issue and probably totally off-limits for this exercise, but I found that the girls' ages - junior high - to be a little too young unless Kenny meant junior in High School. I know later in the story he mentioned the uniforms were hand me downs from the Junior Varsity squad, so I was a little confused. Would 13-year-old girls be able to fit into 16-year-old girls' unforms? Maybe.
Virago Blue
(rah-rah)
~Mistress of a Billion Things To Say~
My stories can be found at:
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Thanks Nat, Thanks Rey, Thanks Lazeez
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: 04 Oct 2001 23:20:24 GMT
A couple of the good points:
1. Some really funny bits. My favorite might be:
"And you tried a car wash?"
"We didn't make enough to, like, pay for the bake sale."
The opening line is also great, but its power is diminished because we don't know who is talking soon enough.
"What these kids need is more tufu and less murdered animals."
2. The fun of it; the larky, sexy, hijinxy tone and spirit.
On the downside:
1. The proof reading stinks. I know this is a repeat, but the proofing is bad enough that the extra reminder is justified.
2. The writing needs a lot trimming and sharpening in addition to correcting the first draft slip-ups.
One extra suggestion: set the complete cast of characters a little earlier.
One other repeat (in a way): I really like Des's suggestions for enhancing the ending. The conclusion to this story isn't quite a good as the setup.
- Mat
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: Fri, 05 Oct 2001 11:38:49 -0600
On 01 Oct 2001 15:08:29 GMT, desdmona22@aol.com (Desdmona22) wrote:
Quick negatives:
It doesn't open clearly enough. OK, I figure it out after a bit, but it takes a while to get to the point that you realize it is a school board meeting. And longer to figure out who is present at that meeting. The story doesn't work right if you can't visualize the setting. Maybe I'm being a little picky about it, because that isn't the core of the tale. But I think it would be more effective if it had a little more stage setting for the mundane-ish school board people, before sneaking in the two cheerleaders.
I'd like a bit more detail about the characters. In this situation, we have names, but not much else, and it is hard to tell them apart. Given the theme, I think that using typecast descriptions would work.
The story was very funny, and the sex was fun too. It makes me wonder what the boy's team would end up doing ;-)
I like the virgin cheerleader lovers. They don't show off that part of their relationship right off, but do come across as friends from the start, so that is nice.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Poison Ivan
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2001 00:51:44 -0400
For me, this read like a cartoon sex story. Because it's not really trying to be realistic, you can get away with some things, but you also have to keep the story light and funny or the whole thing falls apart. Fortunately, you do a good job keeping everything light and funny.
I'm going to be contrary and say I did not like the names of the characters in this story. But I should qualify that. I loved the idea of the funny names, and I thought the first funny name was great. And the second one was good, too. But then the names began to sound too similar to one another. By the time the whole board was introduced, it was like a good joke told too many times. Not only did it stop being funny, it almost ruined the joke for me. I would try to mix up the names a little more, make them more distinctive. One "van" is plenty. And if the names are more distinctive, it 'll be easier to tell the characters apart later on when they orgy kicks in.
The proofreading was a problem, because it made the story flow poorly. I think it would read even funnier if there were no "organisms" getting in the way of the fun.
The story is strongest at the beginning, I think. The jab at VanHoolan and the tofu and "murdered animals" was great. I want to agree with whoever said that the schoolgirl dialogue was funny, too.
I also liked the way you started the transition into the sex. The complaint about the panties and the unraveling sweaters was a nice way to throw these cartoon characters into cartoon action.
I'd like to see this one again after it's been cleaned up a bit.
Poison Ivan
From: PleaseCain
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: 06 Oct 2001 05:06:53 GMT
Pretty good parody, especially the phrases you came up with. Funny. The "doomed hymen" made me think of Hyman Roth walking through the airport in "Godfather II"; "my seasoned cunt" like something to make Ignatius Reilly's mouth water. You could easily do one of those sexual thesauruses. It's a talent.
Am I smoking too much pot?
Besides editing for spelling and usage, I would suggest adding more to the characters. I know it's a comedy, so I'm not calling for ponderous background or anything, but precisely because it's comedy, you need to differentiate between all the tangle of legs, dicks and all those other bits. Think of the Marx Brothers. One guy is the wiseacre, one guy is the physical comedian who squeaks and honks, then you've got the funny guy who appeals to the ladies, and so on. So, Shannon doesn't have to ask, "What's my motivation?" but you could, for instance, make her coolly disinterested or bored until someone happens to lick between her left pinky and ring-finger, when she becomes an insatiable tigeress with wriggling toes and breasts like Weebles. And the board members would be even more fun.
Fun piece. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Cain
From: Ray
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 13:12:46 -0400
Kenny,
I apologize for being late with this (RL got in the way), I also apologize for the fact that I can't review it properly for you.
With the spelling errors and other little things constantly pushing me out of the story I couldn't maintain ...
I love the premise ... a seeming parody of the simple gratuitous sex story ... you seem to be handling it well, though just a touch more over the top and you'll have people not only enjoying the sex, but moving from giggles to outright guffaws through their reading.
I look forward to actually being able to read and enjoy it once it's fully readable and posted.
Ray
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From: Anoninsac
Re: Cheerleaders Need New Uniforms, by Kenny N Gamera
Date: 2 Oct 2001 08:55:17 -0700
I liked the humor of the story, especially the names of the board. One suggestion, let the reader know a tad sooner that this is a parody/humor piece or maybe I'm just slow.
It worked as erotica even though it was over the top. Nice balance of erotic with the skewered stereotypes.
Lots of typos distracted from the story. Whole instead of hole, passage ways etc.
The girls started with teen voices, 'like 5 years ago.' It would have been better had they maintained that voice throughout the story instead of switching to 'grown up' speech patterns.