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Tree Troll

As I rode my bike past the old gnarled tree
A sudden wild urge took hold of me
So, I got off my bike and went to take me a leak.
Now, that old tree's been livin' a long, long time
It's as black as tar and covered with slime
But when you gotta go, your common sense is weak.

I unzipped my fly and fished out Old Willie
I was standing there feeling just a little bit silly
When I heard a voice somewhere above my head.
"Don't you pee on my tree, you silly dumb twit,
'cause if you do you're gonna get hit!"
I looked up and was filled with instant dread.

There in the branches was a very large troll
Who stared at me with eyes just like coal
He was the meanest looking thing I'd ever seen.
He grabbed a branch and swung himself down
And when he was standing there on the ground
My urge to pee, well, it wasn't quite as keen.

Well, I'd seen such things in the movies and all
But I never saw a troll who was quite this tall
The son of a gun musta been six foot three!
He had long green hair and a purple beard
And his orange teeth looked mighty weird
He sure as hell threw a big scare into me.

I wrote Tree Troll over 20 odd years ago and I still have no idea how to finish the damned thing!

I know! I'll turn it into a sex story! Yeah! The troll forces him to suck his 18" woodpecker! His cum is green and tastes a little like lime Jell-O! Yeah!

They become lovers and live in the old, gnarled and slimy tree. He's also gang-banged by other trolls. Yeah! And gnomes and leprechauns join in. And elves and pixies, too. He becomes a sex slave to all the wee people! The ones we rarely see. Sounds real to me!

I didn't write this next tongue buster,
but I find it to be funny. I think I was
8 or 9 when I learned it.

Three Smart Fellas! by anonymous

One smart fella, he felt smart!
Two smart fellas, they felt smart!
Three smart fellas, they all felt smart!

If you can say it fast without the word fart popping out, you're better than I am. Kids, when they reach the age of digging snot and booger jokes, just love it, too. But be warned: You'll hear it a lot for a week! Or more.

Speaking of snot, here's a real-life commercial Chiffon Margerine once aired as a singing jingle. Perhaps you remember it.

"If you think it's butter, but it's not,
it's Chiffon!"

Sing it and you'll hear "but its snot." Kids across the country took to singing it at breakfast time, much to their mothers' chagrin.

And Chiffon's, too, I would imagine!

Spring Has Sprung!

Just today as I awoke
I knew that spring had sprung
For flowers have begun to poke
Through cow manure and dung!

The flower heads are in the air
Their feet are in a trench
So go and smell their perfumed hair
If you can stand the stench!

There's a lesson in a flower
If you just take the time
To find your growing power
With both feet in the slime!

Raise your face up to the sun
And gather up your wit
Laugh! Ha ha! It's so much fun!
Who cares about the shit?

Falling Through Colors

He was falling through space.
He knew that much. But
this wasn't just black and
lifeless space. Oh, no.
This space was filled with color.
Every color imaginable.
They whirled around him.
Swirling and twirling. It
made him dizzy and
exhilarated simultaneously.
The colors on the periphery of his vision were red, yellow
and blue.
But when he tried to look
directly at them they morphed.
Red became purple.
Yellow went to orange.
Blue turned to green.
He wanted to yell, "Stop it!"
but could not speak.
He had no voice. No say in the matter.
He was merely a cork on this
sea of whirling and twirling
kaleidoscopic rainbow.
Strangely, he felt little fear.
He would land soon he felt.
It couldn't go on forever.
Could it?
"It's time!" a voice said.
He tried to scream, "No,
I'm not ready yet!" but no
sound came from his lips.
Now he was scared.
Petrified. He had to pee, too.
"It's time!" the voice said
again, seemingly closer.
Much louder now.
"No!" he said out loud.
He had found his voice!
He was able to speak again.
He felt alive once more.
Then the voice spoke again,
even louder now,
"It's time, Timmy, so start getting ready!"
He opened one eye and saw
the voice's owner.
He knew where he was now.
Home. Mom. School.
Just another day.
He was safe again.
Safe from the whirling,
twirling colors.
"Just give me 5 more
minutes, Mom. OK?"
She nodded and left.
He closed his eye and
tried to see the colors again.
He wanted to fall through
them some more.
But they were gone,
leaving behind only one
concrete fact:
He had wet his bed.
Again!
Damned colors!