WARNING! ADULTS ONLY! This is a work of erotic horror fiction that implies the torture and killing of young girls. All persons and events are fictitious. If this type of subject matter is offensive to you - DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS WARNING! Most importantly, this must not be read by or knowingly forwarded to anyone under eighteen years of age, or whatever the age of majority is in their country of residence. To do so may be illegal.

MISS PRETEEN AMERICA (with tongue planted firmly in cheek)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the world’s most watched television spectacular, the twenty-fifth annual Miss Preteen America Snuffing Pageant! 

And a special welcome to our three lucky contestant torturers, Mr. Myron Spelman of the Bronx, New York; Mr. Hobart Jones of Santa Rosa, California; and Mrs. Emma Watkins of Topeka, Kansas. All three of them are enthusiastic amateurs who can’t wait to get out their bull whips, iron pincers and heated hat pins, to do their worst to this stunning eleven-year-old blonde baton twirler, Miss Suzie Jones of Dallas, Texas. Who in addition to winning the coveted title of Miss Preteen America, came in second in the miss congeniality competition. And who the other little beauties in the holding pens voted most likely to be raped by our celebrity judges, which in fact happened to her just before this, her final appearance on our or any other stage. 

The rules governing this evening’s festivities are the same as in previous years. As Miss Preteen America’s torturers and would-be killers, our three contestants’ individual point scores will be based on the diabolical nature and intensity of their cruelty, and the loudness and duration of little Suzie’s screams of agony. ...Aw shucks, it looks like I’ve gone and frightened the sweet young thing, and made her cry. Oh well, isn’t that what beauty pageant winners are supposed to do? heh heh heh And just look at her struggle against her bonds! Not only is she cute as a button, this girl is a great little squirmer, folks! ...But I digress. Of course, there can only be one big winner, however our two runners up won’t go home empty handed. Each will receive a thousand dollar gift certificate from Vlad Home Dungeon Outfitters, and a complete video library of the titillating deaths of all twenty-five Miss Preteen Americas, including last year’s spectacular killing of Karlee Wilson, the exquisitely beautiful twelve-year-old ballet dancer who was burned to death at the stake. This year’s girl snuffing method, chosen at random, is the perennial favorite, prolonged strangulation. So tonight’s winning torturer will earn the envious privilege of slowly and painfully garroting our adorable little Suzie to death, for the mutual enjoyment of the enthusiastic audience here in Atlantic City’s historic Convention Hall, and our eager viewers out there in the vast TV audience. Hey, it will be a lot more fun to watch than giving the girl one of those boring college scholarships! 

This is it, friends, the big one, finals night! And I know you all must be as anxious as I am to watch another innocent young lovely being mercilessly tortured and killed. So gather your friends and family around the old tube, folks, and flip a blank tape in the VCR. This is gonna be something special! (There is a muffled drum roll as all the house and stage lights dim, except for three spotlights that are shining on the doomed eleven-year-old girl.) As you all can see, the gorgeous and thoroughly terrified Miss Preteen America is tantalizingly naked, provocatively hanging by her tightly bound wrists and helplessly awaiting her cruel fate. So don’t touch that remote! We’ll be right back after these few words!

Sponsored in part by Acme Implements, for two generations your friendly supplier of hand-crafted bull whips, spiked dildos of every size and description, and now the newest high-tech sensation, computer-controlled, adjustable-voltage stun guns. Request a copy our colorfully illustrated, one-hundred page catalog to leisurely make your selections from our full line of high-quality traditional and 21st century torture devices. All purchases are satisfaction guaranteed. And remember, “ACME KEEPS YOU HAPPY BY MAKING HER VERY UNHAPPY.” 

by the ghost of Bert Parks and Casper 
Gutmann who may or may not be a ghost
Modified 04/27/02