H O W   T O   B U T T F U C K
     Okay.  Everybody makes jokes or makes faces at anal sex.  The ultimate
     insult in many cultures is for one to be invited to shove something up
     one's ass.  A hefty minority of the world's population finds this
     thought to be more or less pleasurable.
     I've been taking it up the ass and returning the favor since I was 14.
      I'm now 45, so I have a fair amount of experience with this joyful
     proclivity.  I wouldn't be doing it if it didn't feel good, okay? 
     Anal sex is one of those things in life that you either like a lot or
     you can't stand the thought of.  A person's reaction to the subject is
     colored a lot by how he or she feels about his or her body.  (In order
     to avoid tedious phrasing, I'm going to use the masculine pronouns
     from here on; but I want to make it clear that 'she' and 'her' are
     included except when speaking of male-only structures.)
     If you feel good about every part of your body, regarding no part of
     it as unclean, "filthy" or shameful, then you have a lot less problems
     with oddball pursuits whether you're considering them personally or
     just being informed about what other folks like and do.
     In the male anatomy, it is possible to excite the prostate gland from
     behind.  Check out the placement of the rectum, bladder and prostate
     in an anatomical drawing of the region and you'll see why this is
     possible.  It's not for the embarrassment angle that a doctor puts a
     cotted finger in your butt at a physical.  He can tell a lot about the
     condition of your digestive terminus and your genital-urinary system
     by feeling around in there.
     There is a minority of women who like being butt-fucked.  The ones who
     really go for this often say they get a better orgasm from it than
     from the usual penetration.  A straight male friend of mine would
     rather run it up a poop chute on a woman than into a snatch.  He
     cultivates several females who like getting it that way because his
     wife won't cooperate.  One of his girlfriends practically has to be
     tied and gagged to keep neighbors from calling the police when she
     gets into it, screaming and thrashing the way she does.  And Jose'
     couldn't be happier!
     A sage once said that there is no greater pleasure on earth than
     taking a really good shit.  I'd say he was a candidate for some
     butt-fucking.  The same sensation of that cable sliding out could be
     his over and over again if he'd just go bottom-up and get pumped.
     Dicks are bigger than turds, right?  Not necessarily.  Get turd-locked
     on cheese sometime and you'll have a new appreciation for the joys of
     childbirth...  And who wants to stick their dick into an asshole and
     get shit all over it?  Nobody, that's who.  And it isn't necessary for
     that to happen, and it won't happen if the two know what they're
     doing.  A properly functioning rectum is empty unless you should
     really be heading for the outhouse.  It is when the rectum fills that
     you get the urge to go dump it someplace.  So all the crap about
     butt-fucking being basically nothing but fudge-packing is all so much
     ... shit.
     Being fucked will hurt.  Not if you are ready for it, and not if you
     know how to be fucked and not if whoever is fucking you knows how to
     do it.  Well, if it's so complicated, why bother?  Because doing it
     right, if you find you do like it, is so rewarding in terms of a
     mind-blowing orgasm.  Or two orgasms.  Or maybe three or four...
     The active partner should always wear a condom.  He should do this
     even if there were no such thing as AIDS and other diseases.  (You
     don't hear much about syphilis and gonorrhea these days, but they can
     fuck you up pretty good, too! -- even if they *are* curable.)  It's
     also easy to get a non-specific urethral infection from going up an
     ass unprotected.
     You'll need a plentiful supply of a reliable lubricant.  Unlike a
     vagina, a rectum has no lubrication of its own.  You should use a
     water-soluble lube.  The best is KY or other water-soluble "surgical"
     lubricant.  Another very good, but more expensive, one is PerPair. 
     PerPair is more fluid than KY, but it is much slicker, and less will
     be needed.
     Well, if I have to go to bed with my "socks" on to fuck an ass, what's
     the point?  The point is that any lessening of sensation you have from
     the presence of a condom will be made up from the supreme heat and
     tightness of that chute you're going into.
     Whoever is supplying the ass to be fucked can insure both parties a
     better and cleaner ride if he (or she) avoids highly-seasoned or
     aromatic food for 24 hours before the session.  The passive partner
     should also "douche" before the ession by taking a one-pint enema and
     repeating it once.  This will flush out any remnants of yesterday's
     vittles and also leave the rectum wet so that the lube will spread and
     become super-slick.
     Active partners will get little more than a yelp from their
     co-conspirator and maybe a kick in the nuts if they try to just shove
     their business in and start pumpin' away.  Anuses are a bit of a
     one-way street by tradition.  Your anus will appreciate some
     preparation before being filled with the Bullet of Love.  The best way
     to pave the road is to do some well-lubed finger-fucking.  The anus
     will dilate somewhat when the receptive partner has relaxed.
     Calling someone an asshole as a way of telling them they are stupid is
     incorrect.  There is nothing stupid about an asshole.  You can't fool
     an asshole into opening up until the sub-conscious mind that it's
     attached to is convinced that everything is going to be all right. 
     Relaxation in the passive partner is key.  You really have to like
     someone to let them fuck your ass.

     Okay.  You've douched, he's put on a cocksock and slicked it up, and
     he (or you) have fingered your asshole to dilate it a bit.  He puts
     the head of his cock to your butthole and pushes...  NO!  He HOLDS it
     there and waits for your hole to begin relaxing enough for the head to
     slip between the two rings of muscle.  You can alternately clench and
     release your ass muscles to aid the process -- sort like having your
     asshole "chew" on his dick head.  Sometimes it works better to bear
     down as though you were trying to expell something from your ass.  As
     you open up, he gets more of his cock into you, slowly.  If he rams it
     all in at once, you'll want to kick his nuts down the street when you
     get your breath back.
     Boy, what a lot of fooling around and a bunch of work, for what?  And
     can both of you keep a straight face while all this is going on?  The
     second time you successfully fuck an ass or have yours fucked, you
     will.  By then you'll know if you like it or not.  And if you do,
     you'll really like it.  The first time at anything is usually a
     bummer.  That's why the two of you need to care enough for each other
     to be considerate and careful.
     Once your cock is buried in that ass up to your nuts, you'll know the
     real meaning of hot and tight.  And if you're the one getting it, try
     pulling back when he pulls out.  He'll think you're trying to pull his
     cock off, and he'll love you for it.  Use your ass muscles to squeeze
     that dick.  Want to tease your passive partner?  Pull your dick out
     until just the head is inside.  Now pop your dickhead in and out of
     the anal muscle rings several times.  This is a good way to bring your
     passive partner to a resounding climax.
     The traditional way to fuck a butt is to have the receiver lying
     face-down.  The trajectory is better if the passive partner lies
     face-up and puts his or her ankles behind the active's ears...  And
     while you're both fucking for Old Glory, don't forget to play with
     other things like tits and uninvolved genitalia.
     An old whore trick to get a guy to finish his business is for her to
     tickle the john's ass with a finger.  Not polite, but effective.  The
     lesson is that if the passive plays with the active's asshole, it can
     increase the active's ardor.
     For a nice liesurely fuck, the two of you can lie on your sides,
     facing the same direction.  Those actives who like ramming into nice,
     springy voluptuous buns will favor this position.  This also leaves
     both hands free for horkin' some tit action.  Guys can have erotically
     sensitive tits just as women often do.  Some people get turned on when
     they have their belly-button tongggued.  Whatever is there to play
     with that feels good, use it and do it.
     Happy butt-fucking!