Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
From: redragon@interserv.com
Subject: Smoking And Masturbation (humor)
Date: 18 Sep 1995 02:20:55 GMT

		       Smoking And Masturbation

	I had an interesting question `forwarded' to me this morning.
Simply put: `Do you masturbate while smoking, and if you do, how do
you accomplish this"?

	"Huh"?

	"Really, I'm serious."

	"Yeah, right."

	It does make you wonder, so as I sat down to my coffee, I lit
up a Marlboro, and wondered to myself, `Isn't there a possibility for
someone to burn themselves doing this?" Not a pleasant thought! Think
about it... if you're right handed, isn't it safe to assume you
masturbate with the right hand? And wouldn't you hold a cigarette in
said hand? (this of course, is excluding ambidextrous persons, who can
switch hands without missing a beat.)

	But what about us `one' handed persons? Is this really too far
above us to attempt? Well, being the scientific type, I decided to
conduct a series of tests. The problem was finding willing test
subjects. That problem was easily rectified, however. Politicians are
always jerking people around, therefore perfect subjects for my
studies.

	Unfortunately, after several long distance phone calls to
Washington, and having the phone slammed (quite rudely) in my ear, it
was determined that a different approach to this mystery was needed.
So being the `imaginative' type, and using numerous political figures,
I came up with a few responses that might actually be closer to the
mark than some of these `leaders' would admit...

Ron Reagan: `Well, I tell ya, you'd have to ask Nancy. I don't
smoke... (ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz)'

Ollie North: `My response would be, to said covert operation of which
my superiors had full knowledge, and assuming this reply to said
covert operation can, and will be, on the record, and assuming there
will be no repercussions from my description of said covert
operations, I'm afraid you'll have to pose that question to my
lawyer.' (Typical of someone who can say so much and mean so little)

Jimmy Baker: `Not only that, but I can also fuck 26 million people in
the ass at the same time! Uh, care to buy a share in a piece of
property?" heh heh... no thanks Jim, I don't consider Attica a good
Real Estate investment."

	Of course, getting back to the first part of this discussion,
we could consider the individual who uses neither hand to hold his
cigarette. Instead, he places said cigarette in his mouth and goes to
it thusly. As his hands are now occupied, the ash tends to get longer
and longer with the very real danger that suddenly the whole thing
will drop into his very exposed lap. This would not be more than a
minor nuisance except for the fact that sometimes the ember falls
along with the ash, which could bring things to an abrupt and painful
halt!

	So, upon reflection, I've decided that people who masturbate
while smoking are people who are in the same category as race car
drivers, scuba divers, and people who jump out of airplanes for fun.
That is to say, risk takers with a sense of adventure and danger. As
for me, since I am not about to give up either my cigarettes, or
masturbation, I guess I am going to have to continue to suffer
nicotine fits while indulging.