From: nogarder@ix.netcom.com(*** )
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: Roping" A Little Lesson
Date: 1 May 1996 22:20:26 GMT

			       Roping
			   A Little Lesson

	I'm not a sicko - don't get me wrong. I just like a little
bondage and fantasy with my sex every so often. You know to keep
things interesting.

	But when I bring it up, practically every women reacts as if I
had revealed I was Jack The Ripper. And how do you know if they're
receptive to a little bondage if you don't ask?This lament is not an
uncommon one.

	Though bondage is explored by an increasing number of
partners, it still carries with it a strong social stigma which is
fostered by ignorance and fear and makes it very difficult to engage
in this erotic practice.

	How can you introduce the idea to a partner or, better yet,
recognize a potential bondage-mate? Based on my experience with more
then a dozen women who I have had the pleasure of tying and tormenting
over the Years, and backed by specific psychological principles and
expert advice, I can say that there are definite signs a woman sends
out and specific ways of approaching her.

	The worst thing you can do when you first get a girl l into
bed is to start tying her up. You may not have anything nasty in mind,
but she wouldn't know that. And it would hardly be the right time and
place to convince her.

	Probably the easiest way to find the right women is to
advertise. There are several Bondage and Discipline and contact
magazines which run ads. They only charge a small fee, and are the
most direct way of meeting the woman you want.

	Newspapers in some of the more liberal parts of the country
will run ads in their Personals column s, provided they are worded
discreetly. An ad that reads, "Sir Stephen looking for "O."18-?
Discretion assured," will hardly offend anyone, especially because the
average person is unfamiliar with the Story Of O. It will also insure
that you reach the serious minded, Intelligent women who is looking
for a relationship, but is not part of the active Dominance and
Submission scene.

	Your replies probably will run the gamut from a plain sheet of
paper with just a first name and phone number to a two-or-three-page
letter describing her fantasies in elaborate detail. It is impossible
to tell from the length or type of letter who would make the best
bondage partner. Common sense indicates that the long detailed letter
would be written by the more willing female, but I've found that
exactly the opposite can hold true.

	When you've received enough replies to choose from, start
calling. Remember that can be a very stressful encounter for her - she
has offered personal information and even very private fantasies to
someone she doesn't even know. More than once, I have had women
abruptly hang up after I had identified myself or stated the reason
for the call.

	Generally, my rule- of-thumb has been to wait a few minutes to
let her get over the shock before calling again. If she hangs up a
second time or doesn't answer, strike her off the list. She clearly
has acted on impulse and doesn't have the right stuff. You should
break the ice by telling her your limits and desires. Stress the need
for safety and trust. Describe yourself physically, even if you're not
a Robert Redford or Sylvester Stallone - why hide it and risk a
potentially embarrassing encounter?

	Who knows - she might be attracted to your type. And above
all, be honest.

	If she catches you in one small lie, she will wonder if you've
been totally truthful about other things as well. After you've
finished, get her to open up. Ask her what her fantasies are or what
she looks like if she did not mention it in her letter. Then, if you
two seem compatible and you would like to see her, arrange a meeting.
She may not agree to this right away, preferring to talk to you and at
least several more times.

	All I can say is be patient. If she sent a letter and is open
on the phone, she is just as interested as you are. The best place to
get together is somewhere neutral, someplace where the two of you can
relax and get to know each other without any pressure. A restaurant,
bar, or any public place such as the library or art gallery is fine.
Your home, or hers, is definitely out. It may be all right for the
average dating situation, but for a relationship based on specific
sexual desires, it is much too soon.

	Once you have agreed to a meeting, have some way of
identifying each other when you arrive (a distinctive physical
characteristic or particular piece of clothing). With the right
preparation, everything should go smoothly during your first
encounter.

	Don't be surprised or upset if she happens to be late. I've
found that there is a 50-50 chance she will be because of last minute
jitters.

	Only once has a respondent failed to show. But probably the
boldest method of finding a willing partner is identifying one from
the general population.

	Women with a preference for bondage usually give off certain
signals.

	The most obvious sign, according to Xaviera Hollander in her
book Xaviera's Supersex, is in the jewelry she wears. Submissive women
will often wear at least several bracelets on each arm. They may wear
ankle bracelet s, belly chains, or heavy,collar-like necklaces or
chokers.

	Subconsciously, this is a not-so-subtle wish for real chains
or bonds. This was especially obvious in one women I knew, a 32 year
old blonde I'll call Peg. She had a half-dozen metal bracelets
dangling from each arm and a wide Egyptian-type necklace encircling
her throat.

	Even when completely naked, she did not remove the necklace or
any of the bracelets during the entire sexual encounter. It was as if
they were more natural to her then the clothing she wore. That she had
been giving off such a strong signal came as quite a shock when I
pointed it out to her.

	More difficult to decipher is the clothing a woman may wear.
The sheer diversity so women's fashions renders any detailed analysis
of outer clothing almost invalid. Even very high heels with ankle
straps can be very deceiving, and only those items which, like
jewelry,mimic the tightness and feel of actual bonds,such as very wide
belts, chain belts, and, especially, leather or rubber clothing, offer
any hints. Trends towards bizarre fashions, however, can make any true
messages that a submissive women may broadcast.

	There is a belief held by those unfamiliar with D&S that the
sexually submissive women is shy and timid in her social life and,
therefore, can be easily manipulated. Nothing could be further from
the truth. "It is the strong woman who is often the true sexual
masochist," writes Gerald and Caroline Greene in S&M The Last Taboo.
Their assertion is partly based on a 1942 study by famed psychologist
Abraham Maslow, in which he concluded that "the female sexual
masochist is frequently an extremely strong, if not dominating social
personality."

	In short, she has little or no fear of sex, the body or its
functions. Not surprisingly, she may also be a rebel or a misfit who
tends to flout the rules of society. What is surprising is that she
may even be a feminist. During sex, the woman may lie with her arms
over her head and wrists crossed, or leave them motionless at her
sides - the former, in particular, is a truly symbolic gesture. Or she
may playfully provoke a mock fight or wrestling match, knowing full
well she will be overpowered eventually.

	This can also take on a form of deliberate misbehavior which
leads to the inevitable "punishment," such as spanking. These games
often develop a ritualized pattern which is worked out over a period
of time. One girlfriend of mine would start by taunting me. "You're a
wimp," she'd sneer. "You're a weak shit."

	My response would be to just ignore her. This only encouraged
her. She'd punch me, harder and harder, in the chest and shoulders and
say, "C'mon, be a man you limp dick." At that point, I'd grab her
wrists, pin her to the wall and harshly tell her to shut up. Her
breath would quicken and her eyes would glaze over. Then she would do
something nasty, like try and kick me in the balls. With that, I'd
force her arms behind her back and, holding her wrists with one hand,
march her over to a footstool.

	As she fought, I would shove her down across the stool, whip
her skirt up, and wallop her ass good. On those occasions when she was
particularly naughty, I would make her stand in the corner afterward,
holding her skirt up, her panties and hose down around her ankles so
that her blistered red buns were exposed to the world. After a game
such as this, even traditional sex can be much more intense and
satisfying. Once you have identified a woman who you feel may be
receptive to bondage, how do you then approach her without turning her
off to the whole idea? The most important thing to remember is to
proceed cautiously. Start by dropping vague hints during a
conversation. A pun or a joke is NOT a good way to slip the subject in
unless she's clearly in the mood for it.

	Approach the subject carefully. If discussing movies, for
example casually mention one of the more popular non-X-rated films
that deal with the D&S scene - Eating Raoul or 9 1/2 Weeks. If she has
seen them, ask her opinion of them In this way, you may get to know
her feelings about bondage without being too direct and turning her
off.

	It would be rare, indeed, if she caught on right away. This is
fine. You don't want her thinking, "Well! All he wants me for is to
torture me and abuse my body! He can just go fuck himself!" Most
likely, if she is interested, she may feign shock or disgust, but will
betray herself through some subtle change in body language, such as
uncrossing her legs, longer eye contact, or preening. If she is
genuinely offended, you can always change the subject.

	During a lunchtime conversation with an attractive co-worker
some years ago, the topic of relationships came up and I happened to
mention that I was currently unattached. As we explored the subject,
she asked me what kind of woman I was looking for. Offhandedly, I
joked, "Someone kinky." She let the remark pass without comment, but a
week later she approached me when I was alone. Apprehensively, she
brought up our previous conversation, and my one reply in particular.
"Exactly what did you mean by "kinky"?" she asked.

	I had to be careful, because I was unsure of her feelings
about D&S even though I knew her to be open-minded, and I didn't want
to be labeled a pervert by those with whom I worked." So you think it
was more than just a joke?""Well... yeah.""May I ask what your
interest in this is?" By putting her on the spot, I was hoping to make
her play her hand, perhaps backing down in embarrassment if she was
merely curious or getting her to confess her interest if it was
genuine.

	But she was too sly for that." Just curious that's all." Since
I had known her for some time, I felt I could trust her. "Can you keep
a secret?" I asked.When she said she could, I said, "Does the phrase
`B and D' mean anything to you?" A quick flush across her face told me
I had struck a cord. "But," she said when she had recovered," isn't
that with whips and chains and torture and stuff?"

	When confronted with such a question, it is better to have an
answer ready that will reassure her that your intentions are not
self-serving or depraved. I told her, "In S&M, you control your
partners pain; in B&D, you control your partners pleasure." "Oh," she
said, and hurried off, obviously flustered. She eventually stopped by
to visit, intrigued by my answers to her questions, and I showed her
my collection of toys, explaining the proper use of each one as I
brought it out. Even so, she shivered at the thought of being at the
mercy of someone with such a vast array of devices, and never brought
up the subject again. Had I had a more personal relationship with her,
I might have been able to break through her reluctance.

	It should be obvious that establishing trust is much more
important for D&S couples than it is for others.Another thing to
remember is not to be too direct.

	This will scare a woman off. Even though she may willingly
play the submissive role in bed, she does not want it made public
knowledge, especially in front of strangers. Keep playing the hint
game.

	Eventually she'll realize that you wish to be just as discreet
as she is.Should she come right out and ask, don't use phrases like
"S&M," bondage and discipline,"or "dominance and submission." Such
terms are invariably associated with images of women tortured and
assaulted with little or no regard for their own feelings or well-
being. This does you no good when you are actually looking for a D&S
relationship based on mutual pleasure.

	Instead, tell her you"re interest ed in "creative" or
"alternative" forms of sex. If she insists on clarification, then go
ahead and state your intentions, being careful to stress such positive
aspects as mutual pleasure and the necessity for adhering to
prearranged rules. And while your at it, if she is bold enough to ask
you directly, then why not ask her as well? Suppose you already have a
wife or girlfriend, and aren't sure if she is willing to try something
new. You may have been keeping silent about your interest, afraid that
she'd turn cold to the idea.

	Probably the safest way to test her is when she is in a
playful mood. Grab her wrists and tickle her, preferably after a good-
natured tussle on the living room floor. As long as she doesn't get
angry, be merciless - tickle her to exhaustion. If her response is
positive, the next step would be to leave a book lying around which
you can pick up and flip through during an intimate moment with your
partner, preferably a book describing a number of sexual techniques or
fantasies.

	I recommend Milona's Fantasex, Comfort's The Joy Of Sex, or
one of Nancy Friday's books on male and female fantasies. Have the
appropriate page numbers memorized, so after a few minutes you can
"innocently" turn to them and bring up the subject. If she seems
reluctant, tell her that lots of couples do it, or suggest that you
experiment just a little bit, no heavy stuff. Keep some handkerchiefs
or neckties handy in case she says yes. Rope or handcuffs make it too
obvious that you've arranged things beforehand.

	Once you've gotten to this stage, make love to her the usual
way, then do it again, this time with her tied to the bed. This will
give her back-to-back experiences to compare. Chances are that once
she's tried it, she will never go back.By introducing things
gradually, she won't be alarmed by the abrupt appearance of a bedroom
full of bondage toys. A woman expecting a night of the usual form of
sex who is confronted suddenly with handcuffs, leg irons, gags,
collars, butt plugs, and paddles is going to be too nervous to fully
enjoy the experience - if she doesn't flee in terror. Granted, there
are some women who would be thrilled in such a situation, but why take
the risk?

	Of course, if she's already expressed her interest in no
uncertain terms, then go right ahead and lasso her to the bed.
Hesitate, and she will be turned off by your lack of initiative and
daring.It is right about this time that you should have an intimate
talk.Ask her if she'd like to explore this aspect of sexuality more
and, if so, what her likes and dislikes are. She might enjoy using
additional toys or playing out fantasies - the variations are endless.
Maybe you can even get her to open up about her deepest fantasies. She
just might surprise you.

	Bondage is exciting not only because it is slightly taboo, but
also because it is imaginative. In the right spirit, it's never
boring. With these guidelines in mind, it should be much easier to
zero in on the woman you want and avoid those who would blindly label
your tastes disgusting and dirty. The last thing you need when you're
horny is a slap in the face or a lecture on mental illness.

	If you're still somewhat inexperienced, read up a little on
it, so you can counter any arguments she might have or avoid doing
anything dangerous. Build up your collection of toys. Practice tying
various knots. Then, when you finally get your opportunity, you won't
waste time fumbling around with ropes or improving with what you have
handy. Once she feels she's in the hands of an expert, she'll keep
coming back for more.Now if you will excuse me, I have to check on
someone in the next room and see if she's still comfortable...