Where could I go? I didn't have a dime of my own. I shook my head at how foolish I had been to have insisted, two years ago, on separate bank accounts. I hardly knew anyone in the city; we'd only been here three years. My family lived in Sacramento, almost half a continent away. Images of the solitary homeless men picking slowly through the dumpsters and shuffling out of cut-rate liquor stores on South Turner Street heightened my sense of dread.
Then the reality of what my life would be like without Helen drove into my heart like a thousand wasps. I dropped the half-empty bottle into the sink and slumped against the wall. Memories marched through my mind like departing ghosts: the royal blue coat she wore and the way she toyed with her hair the first time we met; that first night of reckless Summer passion on the pungent forest floor; the clouds of steam produced by her riotous, joyful laughter the snowy night I proposed.
I went back to the table and read her note again. The dizziness returned. Submit. The word burrowed with a whisper into my mind. Utterly and completely. I knew I could not live my life without being with her, being a part of hers. I warn you it will not be easy. All I wanted at that moment was to hold her, hold on to some part of her, forever. If you are willing to submit to me completely on my terms... I could no longer think. I stood, wiped the tears from my eyes and slowly walked toward the bedroom.
Joe, I doubt you will read this, but if you are, congratulations. There may be hope for us. On the top shelf of the closet you will find a large box. It contains your new clothes. You are to strip as soon as you finish this note. It doesn't matter what you do with the clothes you are wearing now; you won't be needing them again. Once you are naked open the box. When you see what is inside you will be tempted to disobey me. Remember, you must obey or leave. If you remain you must wear everything in the box. Once you are dressed you are to call me for further instructions. You may reach me at 699- 0900.
Without thinking I began undressing. Even though I was alone I felt slightly embarrassed removing the last of my clothing. Now naked, I opened the sliding closet door. The box was black cardboard. I reached up, slid it off the shelf then carried it to the bed. It was surprisingly light. For several silent moments I hesitated before removing the lid. Finally, deciding that I would wear whatever she had placed inside, I plucked the box open and stared down at its contents.
A white, sheer slip, a matching set of white panties and brassiere, a white garter belt and matching white stockings. For an instant I could not breathe. Remember, you must obey or leave. I forced myself to inhale, then slowly lifted the box and dumped the lingerie onto the bed. I wasn't quite sure what to put on first. At last I decided on the panties. I fumbled trying to put them on. The cool, thin material slid easily up my leg.
It took me forever to successfully manage the garter belt and stockings.
Fearful of ripping the delicate material, I inched each stocking up a leg. The
tiny snaps on the garters were as slippery as now born snakes. When at last I
got to the brassiere I discovered it was heavily padded. Finally, with a sigh
of relief, I pulled the slip down over my head and started for the telephone
on the Helen's bedside table. Just as I was about to pick up the phone I
caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the opposite wall. Stunned by my
absurd reflection, I had a sudden and powerful urge to rip everything off and
flee the house. You will not have a second chance."Helen?" My mouth was as dry as a Summer sidewalk. "It's Joe."
<"Are you dressed?" Her voice was crisp and business like.
"Yes, damnit! But, Jesus, Helen, what the -"
"Joe," she cut me off; her voice was harsh. "Listen to me. Do not speak like that again. Do you understand?"
I swallowd the angry words that had come to mind. "Yes." I said, feeling totally frightened and bewildered.
"Are you wearing everything?" I said I was. "Good! How does it feel? Tell me how it feels, Joe."
I didn't know what to say. I was afraid to tell her the truth, that I felt humiliated. "I don't know," I finally lied.
"Joe, you are lying to me! You must not ever lie to me again." My cheeks flushed. "Now, Joe, I want you to stand up and look at yourself in the mirror. Take off the slip so you can see yourself in just the bra, panties and hose."
I did as Helen ordered. "Tell me who you see in the mirror." Her voice was softer now.
"I don't understand," I mumbled, eyeing my bizarre reflection. "I see me, Joe, in..."
"No," Helen said, almost whispering now. Her voice was full of soft feathers, the way it used to be when we made love. "You don't see Joe. Joe's gone, darling. You see my JoAnna, my beautiful little JoAnna, my new maid."
"Helen, I can't --"
"Then leave." Her voice was cold again. I shivered. "I knew you couldn't do it. Goodbye, Joe."
"No! Helen, wait!" I was shaking, afraid she'd hang up. "I can do it. Please, don't leave me."
"Who do you see? Look in the mirror and tell who you see."
I stared once more at my reflection. I saw a slender man in his mid-thirties, about five seven, with short brown hair and pale legs and arms, wearing a white brassiere, panties and stockings. "I see JoAnna," I said softly.
"Good," she cooed, the feathers back in her voice. "Very good, JoAnna!" I trembled. It felt cold in the room. "Now, my darling, I have a special gift for you, for being so good."
"A gift?" I replied stupidly.
She laughed, that same wonderful laugh I had remembered earlier. It had been a very long time since I had heard it. "Yes, sweetie. A very special gift for my new JoAnna!" She told me to put down the phone and look for a white shoebox in the corner of the closet. She told me not to open the box until I was back on the line with her. "Are you ready to see your gift?" she asked softly when I picked up the phone after retrieving the shoebox.
It was a pair of bright red high heels. The spikes were at least four inches long. "Put them on," she commanded. I put down the phone, then forced my feet one at a time into the too-small shoes. I almost fell when I tried to stand; the shoes were treacherous. Helen must have heard me grunt when I caught myself by falling against the wall. "Oh, dear," she laughed, "is JoAnna having troubles with her new shoes? Don't worry, my pet, you will get plenty of practice."
I eased myself away from the wall with tiny little steps. I looked down at my feet. Even in the shadow of the bed the high heels sparkled. "Now, JoAnna, I want you to listen to me very carefully." The business tone was back in Helen's voice. "I will be home in precisely forty minutes. You will make me a vodka tonic just before I arrive. Have it on the coffee table. I want you to be on your knees beside the couch, with you head down, when I come through the door. Be sure and put your slip back on. When I enter you will not look at me, or speak, until I speak to you. Do you understand?"
"Yes," I said.
"Oh, JoAnna, there's one more thing." I tensed, wondering what further humiliation she had in store for me. "When I come home I won't be alone."
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