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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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WARNING!
This text file contains sexually explicit
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Interview with R
by Slim n' Dusty (slimndusty@yahoo.co.uk)
***
'R' is a woman who has always been fascinated by death
and corpses. After suffering sexual harassment from
older boys at the age of 7, she was ostracized by her
own school and community, which failed to address the
traumatic experience. Her successes in both academic
studies and in sport, made her peers jealous, whilst her
non-conformism led to further isolation. (MF, nc, mast,
nec)
***
'R' is a woman who has always been fascinated by death
and corpses. After suffering sexual harassment from
older boys at the age of 7, she was ostracized by her
own school and community, which failed to address the
traumatic experience. Her successes in both academic
studies and in sport, made her peers jealous, whilst her
non-conformism led to further isolation.
As a teenager, following a bad experience with a
psychiatrist, her desire to understand her own sexuality
led her to collect as much information as she could on
psychology, sexual deviances and necrophilia. Sexual
fulfillment followed with her first orgasm, not from
being with a man, but with a human bone. 'R' offers a
rare glimpse into the private world of the female
necrophile, from touching a corpse to choosing her
favourite human bone for masturbation.
Far from fitting a psychiatric stereotype of a
withdrawn, shy, recluse - who cannot relate to the world
around her, 'R's enjoyment in talking to various people,
together with a sociable personality clearly
demonstrates a warmth that is different from this.
Q. Firstly, I'd like to start with your background -
relationship with parents, childhood, puberty,
adulthood, etc.?
A. My parents really supported me and believed in me
and gave me a belief in my own strength. I had a very
good relationship with my father who taught me a lot. My
mother suffers from mental and physical illness, so it
was problematic because she tried to control me and was
paranoid, but I would say that it was still a good
relationship if you add everything up.
My childhood and puberty had two faces. On one hand I
was talented, creative, good at school and at sports,
etc. On the other hand I was the outsider in all groups,
especially my class, and I had to learn how to live
against a whole group environment that tried to put me
down. The other pupils didn`t like me. The weird thing
is that although they hated me, I heard from others that
they somehow admired me too.
I was very ambitious, interested in all subjects, and I
could get good results without much effort. So jealousy
might have been one reason, and the fact that I didn`t
imitate them, e.g. I didn`t wear labels and wasn`t
interested in being girlish. I was younger than the
others, which means I was equal with learning and
height, but couldn`t compete in maturity, I was naive
and felt "left out" of puberty a bit. I picked children
as friends that were younger than me or outsiders or
weak, because they appreciated my companionship.
During early adulthood, I perfected ways to transfer
problems into creative energy, and there was the break
from the role-model-life to the outlaw-life. This break
started from about the age of 24 until now. I didn`t
find a job after finishing my studies, I stopped sports
and gained weight. I lost some of my goals and interests
(e.g. drawing), and I became involved in ideas and a
struggle for a better society. This had nothing to do
with my necrophile fantasies, I simply felt betrayed by
society because I had wasted so much time for nothing.
My problems were social (with other children and
juveniles, and I suffered because my parents quarreled)
and sexual. Whenever I felt depressed by a problem, I
analyzed it and found ways to work through it in a
productive way - I made movies with friends, I drew many
pictures, wrote song lyrics, roleplayed (invented games
for younger children) etc. I would even invent one game
with a dice and cards and photo comics for my parents
out of our life. Later, I turned my social frustration
into political flyers and ideas for action.
My sexual problem is also a strong drive that keeps me
going. Even though I`m lazy sometimes, I can never just
sit and relax. I have to read a book. I cannot stay
still without a challenge or task for too long, because
that would be too risky.
Q. What do you mean by 'risky'? Do you mean that it
would make you misbehave in some way?
A. By risky I mean that I`d get all worked up about my
fantasies and maybe dig up a corpse again. I can only
control my desire through distractions and other tasks.
Q. So, when did your interest in necro start? How old
were you? Describe your feelings and what may have
triggered them (that is personal experiences, film,
etc.).
A. I have always been fascinated by death and by
corpses. As a child I was hyperactive, but could spend
hours playing with old flowers on the cemetery without
being bored, and I sensed the atmosphere was like in a
huge garden from an old faerie-tale.
When 7 years old, I was sexually harassed by older boys
and I mention this to you now because I`m not sure
whether it might have had an influence on my sexuality.
The boys were 13 and were together with my classmate who
was the brother of one of them. I found out years later
that my father had gone to the police and the youth care
at the time, but they didn`t do anything because German
law only punishes juveniles over 14. The boys forced me
to be touched by them, but didn`t penetrate me. They
told me not to tell my parents, but I told my father.
I remained friends with the classmate who witnessed the
harassment because he felt uneasy during the event and
didn`t participate. He must have told other pupils
because during the next few days, pupils (especially the
girls) made fun of me - as if it was my fault. I felt
totally ashamed and hated myself for having felt so
cowardly. Neither my parents nor the teachers reacted in
any way (by either talking to me or punishing the boys
and telling the pupils to stop picking on me).
That`s how I learned that justice is something you have
to fight for on your own, because the event itself was
not half as disturbing as the reactions of the
environment. The weird thing is that years later, I
talked to one of the boys and he saw it as something
harmless, like just a boy`s antics.
Q. Why did you feel 'cowardly' after the sexual
harassment?
A. I didn`t feel cowardly after the harassment, but I
was a coward because I didn`t refuse to be touched. I
hated myself for that. What could have happened more
than being beaten up? It would have been better to face
their violence and fight and not behave like a sheep in
the slaughterhouse, I was just too afraid because they
were both 13 and I was only 7.
Later on, at the age of 9, I wanted to visit a
"Leichenschauhaus" because I believed it was a museum
and was totally sad and depressed for weeks when my
father explained me that it wasn`t possible. The term
"Leichenschauhaus" comes from the past when unknown dead
people were laid out in a hall and anyone could look at
them in order to see if he knew them. Nowadays the
public cannot visit and watch them, but the term has
stayed. It`s just a morgue. The word "schau" is a
mixture of "show" and "watch" that`s why I mistook it
for a museum.
As I grew older, I fell in love with horror movies,
zombies, and dark Metal/Gothic music. My first sexual
experiences with boys were frustrating because I didn`t
feel much, but my female friends told me I had not met a
"good one" yet. So I first thought it was not my fault.
I consumed death-related music / movies and noticed that
I didn`t like torture, sadism, or murder, but corpses.
When I was 16, I saw the movie "Nekromantik" and was
very depressed. I think what depressed me about the
movie was that necrophilia seemed unchangeable. At
first, I thought that I simply felt compassion for the
main character, but now I believe that I was depressed
because, subconsciously, I too knew that I was a
necrophile and, just like the main character, I couldn`t
escape it. But it still took me several months to
realize that I wanted a corpse.
Q. Did you get any counselling?
A. I went to a psychiatrist, which ended up a bad
experience for me. The psychiatrist was a
recommendation, and I went there believing that he could
help me. He talked to me for only half an hour and his
questions were superficial and he behaved in an arrogant
way. After that, he asked me why I hadn`t come to the
idea to take medication for it. I replied that
medication would only treat the symptoms and that I
didn`t like taking pills against every problem. And I
asked him how he would know if I`m a necrophile only
after talking for half an hour to me (I mean, I could
have told him a story to gain attention like many
juveniles do).
He told me not to question his knowledge (in that
arrogant way where: "I`m the doctor and my diagnosis is
always right") and that he wanted to keep me in
'stationary treatment'. I told him that I didn`t like
his behaviour and left. And then this bastard called my
parents! He told them to deliver me to him, and even
wanted to make my father cancel a holiday that had been
planned a long time.
And here is one reason why I love my parents: My father
told him not to harrass him or me anymore in any way! I
felt totally shocked because I had gone there, trusting,
and it is not easy to talk about this to a stranger. And
I felt abused, he had told my parents behind my back,
and he had tried to treat me as a child, not respecting
my personality at all. I hate deceit, and I felt
betrayed. Afterwards the feeling that had already risen
by my other experiences with people got stronger: while
others tried to put me down, I felt superior.
After seeing this psychiatrist, I collected information
about psychology, sexual deviances and necrophilia. I
gathered as much information about the subject I could
get and tried to analyze myself, from the normal
literature and from forums on the internet. I met other
necrophiles through this searching.
I often went to the cemetery at night, and sometimes I
got human bones. At 17 I had my first orgasm not with a
man, but with a bone. I found several bones and a skull,
and I got another skull from a friend, too. It`s not
difficult in big towns. I took them home and 'cooked
them' because that was recommended to me by my friend.
Q. Why did you 'cook' them?
I cooked the bones because it sterilizes them.
I liked the skull and the femur most and took them to
bed often. Sometimes I went back to the cemetery with
bones, too, and lay in an open grave or on a fresh grave
to masturbate. Usually I just kissed, hugged and petted
myself with the bones, and would rub myself until
orgasm. Afterwards I felt satisfied but sometimes also
very sad because I thought it would be better to be
sexually normal and not so lonely.
When I was 18, I dug up a corpse with a friend. The
corpse was of an old man who had been buried that same
day, and it was well-preserved. I touched it because I
wanted to know how I would feel - whether I would be
shocked or aroused - whether my desire was true or just
a figment. I was, like, in a trance. I lost my self-
control. I just acted without thinking about my feelings
or what I would do next. I was just touching and
caressing it, and pinching, because it was so amazing
that it didn`t react. It sounds stupid but I needed to
pinch it to make sure it was dead and that it didn`t
scream or move, and that was totally overwhelming for
me.
My friend had helped me to make a hole in the coffin,
but after a while he pretended it smelled and left the
open grave we were in. After I touched the corpse for
the first time, I then told him to do it too, but he
said "no thanks" and asked whether he could leave again.
I told him that I hadn`t spent an hour to open a coffin
in order to leave after a second, but promised to leave
after a minute - which turned out to be longer (but I
had lost my sense of time, so I cannot say how long it
was). He sat on the edge of the grave and told me that
he felt nauseous. He told me several times to leave and
that the police would catch us. When I asked him for a
knife, he was shocked and pulled me out and forced me to
leave. He took me away after about half an hour. I was
still on a "high" so I didn`t discuss it. He was paler
than a corpse afterwards. I bet he didn`t enter a
cemetery for years after that.
Before that night, he said he'd loved me, but after this
he stopped trying to have sex with me. He didn`t even
touch me.
Q. What would you have done if your friend gave you his
knife?
A. I don`t know. I know myself very well, but my
sexuality always amazes me. I suffered a lot from my
passion, but over the years I learned to handle it. I`ve
made endless lists of "advantages" of necrophilia and
what makes a corpse desirable, but now I believe that
was only rationalizing. I`m still not sure if it`s
determined or due to experiences.
Q. You are now a mother and are settled in the routine
of raising children. This indicates to me that you are
self-disciplined and that you have managed to distance
yourself from your past by putting the needs of your
children first. Now that you are in this situation, do
you find it hard to control your desires for dead bodies
now that you have a family of your own? Do you still
keep mementoes of those times and collect bones to play
with? Does your husband understand this desire, if you
still have it?
A. I was as self-disciplined as I am now, but in other
ways (sports, studies). I put the needs of my children
first which includes to raise them as normal, but I
don`t distance myself from my past. I consider my
"crimes" pretty minor, because I hurt nobody. Whereas
most people have hurt others in so many ways.
I'm used to controlling my actions, as I often need to
tolerate frustration in my life. My boyfriend made me
get rid of the bones, which I sometimes regret. But
there would always be an easy way to get some other
bones if life gets more frustrating.
As long as nobody invents a true therapy, I will keep
that desire until I die myself. So the most frustrating
thing is that I`ll never have a sexually satisfying
relationship with my partner because it creates an
invisible wall.
I found the better known reasons for necrophilia - that
a corpse cannot reject or hurt me in any way and doesn`t
expect anything from me or put me under pressure and
cannot disappoint me - in brief, it doesn`t have all the
negative aspects that normal men have - and these are
important for me.
Another aspect, not so important, but worth a mention is
that it`s something forbidden, a taboo, which others are
afraid of/rejected by, so it gives an extra-kick and a
weird feeling of being superior.
I have a very strong, nostalgic longing for something
undefinable by words, and corpses or bones strike that
chord in me. It`s a feeling of both happiness and
sadness at the same time. A normal person might feel the
same if remembering a special moment or a favorite song.
It might be possible that reaction formation has
contributed to my necrophilia, because I hate and cannot
deal with death, and I`m always fighting against
nihilism and despair in myself. I`m also longing for a
thing that has no accurate translation in English. It`s
"Geborgenheit". The translation terms security etc. all
don`t comprise the full emotional meaning, because it
has a lot to do with "being home where you belong to".
END
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This story was written as an adult fantasy. The author
does not condone the described behavior in real life.
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Kristen's collection - Directory 69