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First Love - 2
by Anonymous Author (address withheld)
First published by TheEditor
***
A poignant coming of age story and love story wrapped
into one. Well written and sexy story about teenage
lovers and life in general. Because of the length of the
story it has been split into two books. (mf-teens,
youths, 1st, rom)
***
Book 2
-= Chapter 20 =-
Karen did apologize to Jen the first chance she had. It
was hard for Jen to look her in the eye, but soon
everything was back to normal.
In the summer they had a barbecue, with friends and
family over. All the kids swam and played volleyball. As
it turned into evening it began to get a bit chilly, and
Jen was still in the pool, trying to keep warm. Ryan was
sitting on a lawn chair, trying to soak up the last of
the sun's rays.
"Ryan," said his mom, who was wrapping up the food while
she chatted with a friend. "Will you go get me a
sweater? It's getting cold."
"Just a minute, okay?" he replied.
"Ryan, I asked you now, okay?"
"Will you just hold on a minute?"
"I'll go get it, Mom!" volunteered Will, jumping up.
"Where is it?"
"Um, it should be in the kitchen," she told her youngest
son.
Ryan rolled his eyes at Will's obvious brown-nosing.
Right then Jen came over from the pool, wrapped in a
towel. She sat on the edge of Ryan's lawn chair,
shivering as her teeth chattered. He took his own towel
and wrapped it around her shoulders.
"You cold?" he asked.
"Yes!" she laughed. "It was so hot like an hour ago!"
He sat up. "You want your clothes, or a sweatshirt or
something?"
She nodded, shivering. "Yeah, please. Thanks hon," she
told him as he jumped up and ran into the house.
It was Karen's turn to roll her eyes. "Hmph," she said
as she carried food into the house.
JR grinned at her while he covered the barbecue.
"What?" Jen asked, confused.
"She just asked Ryan to get her a sweater. He wouldn't."
"What?" she exclaimed, sounding surprised at Ryan. "Why
not?"
JR shrugged. "I don't know. He told her to wait, but
Will offered to go get it for her."
Jen laughed. "Will. Yeah, he's her little baby," she
noted.
His dad smiled again. "Yeah, but Ryan is her first born.
Ryan used to be her little baby you know."
Jen looked surprised as she now understood what his dad
had been laughing about. "Yeah, but he's my little baby
now!" she told him with a coy smile.
He laughed again. "Yeah, and I bet she's knows it. She's
known it for awhile," he told her with another grin.
Ryan came back out then with her clothes. They looked at
him hurrying out and laughed.
"What?" Ryan asked them, mystified.
They just laughed as Jen gave him a hug and kiss and
said thank you.
-= Chapter 21 =-
Jen was awoken by footsteps outside her door. It was
Ryan of course, and soon he was in her bed. He lay next
to her, holding her tightly in the dark. She kissed him,
and climbed on him, pulling her shirt off. He responded,
kissing her back as he lay there. She stripped him,
sucking his cock until it was hard. He tried to go down
but she pulled him back up, eager to have him in her.
He slid it in, and she sighed as he began thrusting on
top of her. She lay back and closed her eyes. He began
to kiss her as his hard dick moved in and out of her.
Suddenly he stiffened, and stopped moving, then pulled
out of her. She opened her eyes to see him looking down
between them. In a flash he was off her, laying on his
stomach as he faced the wall.
"Ryan?" she whispered. What was the matter? He wouldn't
look at her, and she figured it out.
What could she say? She felt horrible, ugly and
unattractive. But she knew that he didn't think so. She
looked the same as she had the last time they did it.
"It's okay..." she told him, rubbing his back. "Are you
drunk?" she asked. She didn't think he was.
He shook his head slowly, still not looking at her. He
got up then, pulling his pants on in the dark.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "Are you leaving?"
"I gotta go," he mumbled.
"Ryan! Don't leave!"
He ignored her, sitting on the bed as he quickly tied
his shoes. She touched his arm, but he shook her off.
"Ryan! Talk to me!" she begged, in tears.
He left quietly. She lay back in the bed, crying. Why
wouldn't he talk to her? She didn't care about what
happened. Maybe he thought she thought he was a failure
or something? That could be the only thing. But why had
it happened? And why did he have to leave? The whole
thing was so weird.
She looked at the clock. It wasn't too late, only 10:30.
She turned on the light, picking up her phone and
dialing.
"Hello?" asked a male voice.
"Danny?"
"Yeah. Hi."
"Hi, it's Jen."
"Hey Jen! What's up? How are you?" he asked.
"Good... Well, kinda bad actually," she whispered.
"What's the matter? I haven't talked to you in a couple
weeks."
"It's Ryan..."
"What- did you guys break up?"
"No. It's just, something happened."
"What?"
"Well, I need a guy's advice. And I need to talk to you
especially because you don't know Ryan much, and he
won't find out I told."
"Aright. You can tell me. I'll try to help. What
happened?"
"Well... I guess it's embarrassing. Well, he came over,
and we were doing it, and, and then he couldn't do it
anymore..." she told him.
"What? Oh, you mean he went *soft*?" he asked,
surprised.
"Yeah! And he got really upset and he left and he
wouldn't even talk to me," she whined. "He just said, 'I
gotta go,' and he left."
"Hmm... Was he drunk?"
"No. I asked him and he said he wasn't. I mean, I don't
care. It's not like I was using him for sex and that's
it or something."
Danny sighed. "Hmm... Man! I mean, I'm sure he's really
upset, and he was probably too upset to talk."
"Well why did it happen?" she demanded. "What did I do?
Has it ever happened to you?"
"No, of course not!" he insisted.
She laughed. "No, really."
"No, actually it hasn't. Not with a girl. But," he added
honestly. "It probably will happen someday. Probably
more than once even. It happens to every guy sometime,
but it's not like we talk about it."
"Well why did it happen?"
"I don't know. Maybe he was tired, or he didn't want to
do it probably. He probably didn't want it but he didn't
know, and that was his little dude's way of saying,
'Hey! I'm tired and I don't want to work tonight!'"
She laughed, feeling better. "But he wouldn't talk to
me. He just left," she said glumly.
"Yeah, he was upset. He's probably stressed too," Danny
added. "Do- do you think he feels like a failure maybe?
Isn't that how guys feel?"
"Oh, maybe. I mean, you tell me. You know him a lot
better than I do!"
"Well, I don't know. I thought he wanted to do it," she
said glumly.
"Did you instigate or did he?"
"Well, he came over! I guess that's instigating."
"Coming over isn't instigating unless he shows up naked.
Maybe he just wanted to hang out. So what did he do when
he came over? Did he rip your clothes off?"
"No... Actually, I ripped his clothes off," she
admitted, feeling bad. "Maybe I should have asked him if
he wanted to do it?"
"Well, yeah, you should have."
"Oh," she said, feeling even worse."
"Well, has he ever said no?"
"No. I don't think he ever has."
"Well, he probably would have said yes anyway, even if
he didn't want to. Maybe, who knows."
"Why?" she whined. "Why the hell can't he just tell me
he didn't want to?"
"Maybe he feels like it's his duty. To please you, you
know. Well I'm sure he thinks like pleasing you is his
duty, but now maybe he feels like, like a piece of
meat!"
Jen laughed again. "But how am I supposed to know if he
wants to do it or not if he won't tell me?"
"I don't know. Maybe you guys need to talk. Make sure he
knows it's okay for him to say no. Of course," he added.
"I can't tell you for sure if that's the problem, he
maybe was just too tired or stressed or something. But
don't demand a reason from him, 'cause he probably has
no clue either and feels bad."
"He left. Should I call him? Or maybe go see him?"
"Well, you can. He probably just went driving around,
looking for the nearest cliff to drive off..."
"Danny!" she laughed.
"I'm just kiddin' you. I mean, he'll probably come back.
Just give him a hug and tell him you love him, and don't
say anything about it unless he does first. Don't make
him talk about it unless he wants to."
"I guess..."
"Okay?"
"Yeah. You've been a big help, Danny. Thank you."
"No problem. Are you gonna tell him you talked to me?'
"Hell no! He'll shoot me!"
Danny laughed. "I know, I was just kiddin'. Tell him I
say 'hi' when he comes back," he teased.
"Yeah sure! Well, I gotta go. Talk to you later."
"Bye, kiddo."
"Bye."
Jen lay back, feeling better. But her room was still
lonely without Ryan there. She sighed. She shut off the
light and went back to bed. A few hours later she fell
asleep.
***
When she woke up it was nearly light outside. Ryan was
laying next to her, looking at her.
She inched closer to him, and hugged him. "I love you,"
she mumbled.
"I love you too."
She smiled, then closed her eyes again as she rested her
head on his chest. She didn't say anything else, and
neither did he. They both fell asleep.
When he woke up she wasn't in bed. He lay there still,
tired. Eventually she came back into her room with a
flower from her backyard.
"This is for you," she told him, handing it to him
shyly.
He took it, smiling at her. "Thanks."
She climbed back into the warm bed, stretching as she
lay next to him. She didn't say anything.
He started. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"Oh yeah? You shouldn't be."
"Yes I should. Last night- it wasn't very good last
night."
"Yeah?"
"You know. I'm sorry."
"Well, I wished you would have stayed and talked to me.
I don't care at all about what happened."
"Yeah, I should have stayed..."
"You know I don't care about what happened. I don't care
at all."
He paused. "Well, it's never happened to me before. I
don't know..."
"I'm sorry if I ever put pressure on you. You know I
love you, not it."
"You don't put pressure on me..."
"Well, I do. See, you wanted to give me pleasure, by
going down on me, but I wouldn't let you. I made you get
hard and I didn't even ask you if you wanted to do
anything. See."
"Maybe..."
"And you put pressure on you too," she told him quietly,
playing with the blanket. "It's okay for you to say no.
Just like it's okay for me to say no. Got it?"
He nodded.
"And I'm sorry about what happened before," she told him
quietly. "I still feel really bad about what a bitch I
was."
"When?"
"You know... A couple of weeks ago."
He laughed. "Jen, I think it's funny that you made me do
it so much! I told you I'm not mad."
"No, see, but what I said and stuff. I know I told you I
didn't mean it, and I was out of my mind and all, but
maybe you still think about it..."
"No, Jen! I don't!"
She rubbed his shoulders. "Maybe you do."
"I told you, I don't!"
"I never meant it," she whispered. "I know maybe you
think, maybe... I don't know... Maybe I hurt you a lot?
" She started to sniffle, wiping her eyes.
"Jen!" he said. "Are we still talking about the same
thing here?"
She nodded. "Yes! 'Member when I said that if you loved
me you would be able to do it again?" she cried.
He groaned, pulling her to him. "Don't worry about it. I
know you didn't mean it. You were drunk."
She shook her head frantically. "No! You know, you say
that you shouldn't excuse someone's behavior because
they were drunk. It still counts."
He didn't say anything.
"But I didn't mean it."
He sighed. "I know you didn't," he said quietly, looking
at his hands.
"I love you."
He smiled, and nodded. "I love you too."
"And you know, we don't have to make love for me to feel
close to you, for us to feel close," she whispered. "You
know?"
He smiled. "I know. I love you."
"I love you too!" She kissed him. "Now let's have a
great day, okay?"
"Sure. Let's have a great rest of our lives."
-= Chapter 22 =-
They were talking on the phone one night, and he
mentioned that he was going away for a week, with his
dad.
"What for?"
"Oh, just to go see some family and stuff. He said I
could go, and maybe look at some schools around there."
"Oh, I'm gonna miss you!"
"Yeah, I'll miss you too."
"When are you going?"
"Um... Like, the 12th to the 18th I think. I'll have to
check on it."
"Wow, you get to miss school. Hey that's the week Danny
comes down. You're gonna miss him!"
"Oh no. I'd better stay then!" he teased.
"Come on," she laughed. "He's my friend. You don't feel
jealous do you?"
"Nah, I'm just kiddin' you."
"Good. Is the rest of your family staying here?"
"Yeah, they're gonna stay."
"Oh, is it man-to-man bonding time?" she teased.
He laughed. "Yeah, we're gonna go fishing, and build
furniture, and go to some topless bars..."
"Uh, I think not!" she commanded, laughing.
"You know I'm just kiddin'," he laughed.
***
The last night Danny was there he promised he'd spend it
just with Jen. After all, she was the best friend he
still had down there, he had told her. They went out to
dinner, then wound up back at her house, watching a
movie with her parents.
Jen was hoping her parents wouldn't say anything like,
"Oh Jen! Where's Ryan?" teasing, to embarrass her. She
felt a bit weird with him, being alone with him in the
restaurant and in the car. She would never cheat on
Ryan, but still, she felt tingly inside, like maybe
there was still some chemistry between Danny and her. He
didn't have a girlfriend, and of course in a way *she*
had sort of broken up with him... Maybe he still liked
her like that? She was wondering if he still regretted
their break-up. Anyway it just felt nice to maybe have
someone like her, making her feel attractive, even if
she wasn't planning on doing anything with him.
After the movie her parents retreated to their bedroom,
and Danny and Jen went back to hers. Dana called and
they talked for awhile while he looked at all her
yearbooks and photo albums. Finally she hung up, turning
to him on the bed.
"What are you looking at?"
"This is a good picture of you," he told her, pointing
to one picture.
She looked at it. "Oh, yeah, that was freshman year
Homecoming." She felt bad after she said it, though
really she didn't have a reason to. After all, it was
just one dance of many she and Ryan had been to. Of
course, if things had turned out a bit differently she
and Danny might have gone together instead...
He nodded, looking at it intently. He looked over, and
gave her a quick smile.
She smiled back, picking up a photo album of her own to
look over.
"Gosh, what would have happened if we had never broken
up?" he asked her lightly, but Jen could tell though
that under his tone he was dead serious, but only trying
to seem nonchalant.
"Hmm, I don't know," she answered vaguely.
"You probably don't ever regret it though," he said,
still not looking at her.
She shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't say I don't regret what
happened, but, well, I don't know." Why did she say
that? She did know. But she was trying to spare his
feelings; she didn't want him to be hurt by saying she
was glad they had broken up.
He looked over at her again. Both of them were laying on
their stomachs on the bed. "I regret it every day," he
told her quietly.
She stared down at the pictures in front of her.
"Really?" she asked him.
"Yeah, sure," he said.
"Well, you know, you moved away, so it actually worked
out for the best," she said.
He looked back down. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I
probably could have stayed with my dad down here, if I
threw a big enough fit. If I had a reason to stay."
She shrugged, unable to make eye contact with him. Why
was it so uncomfortable?
"Oh well," he said. "I guess you don't care."
She looked over. "No, Danny! I do care!"
"No you don't," he muttered.
"Danny! Come on, don't be like that. I do care!"
He looked at her, his face only inches from hers.
"Really?" he asked.
I should sit up or something, she thought. But she
didn't. "Yeah," she said, giving him a smile.
He smiled back, looking her face over, then leaned in.
Pull away, she commanded herself, but she didn't. It
happened too fast; before she knew it their lips were
touching. An electric tingle shot through her body from
the kiss, and with her eyes closed, for a moment she
didn't think it was wrong at all. Then he opened his
mouth against hers gently, and she jerked away, her eyes
flying open. He turned away from her.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
She didn't say anything, just lay there. Her mind was
spinning.
"I'm sorry. It just happened. I didn't mean to kiss
you," he told her, still looking at the wall. "I know
you have a boyfriend..."
"Yeah. I have Ryan," she murmured. For the first time
Ryan didn't seem so invincible.
They lay there for a minute, neither saying anything.
Then Danny jumped up.
"Aright!" he said. "Okay, now I can run away and we can
both feel really guilty and really shitty forever. Or we
can just stay friends and laugh about it?"
She smiled, nodding. She felt relieved that he wasn't
going to get mad and run away. But she still felt
horrible inside, and she knew he was probably upset too,
but trying to act like he didn't care. She felt grateful
for that.
"Aright, it sounds good to me. Sound good to you?" he
asked.
She laughed. "Sounds good to me!"
"Cool." He leaned in and gave her a huge hug. "So, our
evening isn't ruined?"
"No, of course not! The night's still young!"
They both laughed. Jen still felt awkward, of course,
but she knew he was right. It hadn't meant anything, and
she hadn't cheated on Ryan because she hadn't kissed
him: he had kissed her, and she had pulled away.
They talked for awhile, laughing and joking about people
they knew and various things they had done while apart.
And they got serious, discussing personal things like
their families, and she told him about Ryan and
arguments they had gotten in, and sweet things he had
done for her. Danny talked about a girl that went to his
school that he really liked, but how she was really hung
up on another guy who didn't feel the same. Jen gave him
advice, and they lay on her bed talking for a long
while.
Finally, her dad knocked on the door. "Jen? When is
Danny leaving so I can close the gate?"
She looked at Danny. "Um, he's probably gonna be here
awhile. He might just stay the night."
Her dad raised an eyebrow.
"Dad!" Jen said. "Come on, don't worry about it! I'm not
gonna cheat on Ryan!" She rolled her eyes.
"Aright. The guest room has sheets on the bed," he told
them.
He left and they laughed. They talked for awhile longer,
until they both began to yawn.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to throw you in the guest
room," Jen told him. "All my friends sleep in my bed
when they sleep over." Maybe she was just flirting with
him, or maybe she was just trying to prove how much
willpower she had.
"Oh, well, as long as you can control yourself young
lady!"
They both laughed, getting ready for bed.
"Aright," Jen ordered, pointing. "Now, this is *your*
half, and this is *my* half!"
"Oh, well you know, I only sleep in my boxers so you
will have to keep your hands to yourself."
"Well, *I'm* only sleeping in my T-shirt," she told him.
"Oh, yeah, like, as *if*!" he told her sarcastically,
making a face as they tumbled into bed. "Don't flatter
yourself Jen!"
"Oh, sorry!" she laughed.
"You know," he told her as they lay in the dark. "I've
had better offers at the zoo!"
"Yeah, well I've had better offers at the state mental
institution."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Your mother was pretty disappointed when I told
her no!"
He burst out laughing, and they both traded insults
until they fell asleep.
***
Jen woke up, her mind fuzzy. She looked over, and jumped
to see the curtains moving. She hadn't locked her door.
She froze, thinking it was a burglar.
The moonlight shined in brighter as the curtains were
drawn back, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she saw
Ryan standing in the doorway. Only half awake, she
turned away for a second, then jerked out of sleep.
Danny was next to her, what if Ryan thought...
He stood frozen as he stared down at the bed, the male
figure next to her naked for all he knew.
Jen sat up on her knees. "Ryan! You're back!" she
exclaimed, trying to sound excited. He knew she would
never cheat on him, didn't he?
But he was only staring down at Danny, who was just now
stirring.
"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow
night," she told him. She still tried to sound cheerful,
not like someone who had done something wrong. After
all, she *hadn't* done anything wrong...
He looked at her for a second, too dark for her to see
his eyes, then he turned around and walked out of the
open door.
"Ryan, wait!" she cried, almost falling on the floor as
she jumped off her bed. She ran out into the cold night,
barefoot and barelegged, after him.
She reached him before he got out of her driveway and to
his car on the street, where he always parked when he
came over in the night. She grabbed his arms, trying to
stop his brisk walking.
"Ryan! Ryan, stop!" He kept walking, pushing her away.
"Will you just stop?!?" she cried, jumping in front of
him and trying to hold him still. "Ryan," she whined.
"We didn't do anything! It's not what it looks like!"
He shook his head. "Get out of my face!" he told her
angrily, pushing her away from him as he kept walking.
"No!" she cried, grabbing him again and pulling on his
shirt as she planted her feet on the driveway. He
dragged her, and her ankle twisted, skinning her heal on
the blacktop. She let out a yelp, then yanked him back
as hard as she could. "Listen to me!" she cried. "If we
have a relationship, then you will fucking listen to
me!"
He pulled away, turning around and walking backward,
shaking his head at her. "I guess we don't have a
relationship!" he snapped. "You wanna fuck him? Yeah?"
She shook her head, crying. "Well you can go finish
fucking him!" he yelled. "I'm leaving!"
"We didn't do anything!" she screamed. "Ryan, no!" she
sobbed, running out into the street after him, throwing
her arms around his waist as he fumbled for his keys.
She turned him around roughly and grabbed his face,
making her look at him. He clenched his jaw, and a tear
slowly rolled down each of his cheeks.
"We didn't do *anything*!" she told him, in his face.
"He's my friend, he stayed over. Nothing, okay. Nothing!
Look Ryan," she begged, pulling up her T-shirt.
"Underwear! Look, underwear..." she whispered.
He stared down at her, then pulled away and leaned
against his car. He wiped his eyes. "You promise me, you
didn't do anything?"
"I promise!"
"Nothing?!? You didn't so much as kiss him?!?"
She dropped her eyes, looking down at his hand which she
clutched in her own. She didn't answer him, her mind
spinning. She should just lie, but no, if he found out,
he...
He stared at her, then pushed her hand away. "You
fucking kissed him!" he said fiercely.
"Well, I, no..." she began. She could lie, but he would
know. "No, he kissed me!"
"God!" he shouted, opening the car door angrily.
"No, Ryan!" she cried. "No! He kissed me! I told him no!
Ryan, stay!" she screamed as he got in his car.
He turned to face her. "Get out of my face Jen!" he told
her. "Get out of my fucking face!" he yelled at her,
starting the car and slamming the door shut.
She banged on the door, crying, "Ryan! I love you! Stop!
We didn't do anything!" She leaned on the car.
His car jerked into reverse and she stumbled forward,
nearly falling. "We didn't do anything!" she screamed,
but it was no use. He turned around, angrily, and sped
away.
Sobbing, she sank to the ground. "We didn't do
anything!" she cried, grabbing the dirt and gravel in
her fists. "I love you!" she whispered, the gravel
digging into the bare skin of her shins, hurting her.
She pushed down harder with her legs, making the pain
stronger. She sobbed, her throat swelling larger, it
seemed, with each one.
"Jen!" said Danny. "Come on, it's okay!" he told her,
dragging her up. He had put his clothes on, and kept out
of it as he watched them from her driveway. "It's okay!"
She shook her head. "He hates me!" she sobbed, as he
pulled her back on her property. "Ryan *hates* me!"
"He doesn't! He's just mad!" Danny whispered, his arm
around her.
"Yes he does!' she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Shh!" he told her. But her parents had already been
awakened, the door opening as her dad peered out, in his
pajamas.
"What's going on?" he demanded.
Jen was still sobbing, unable to answer. Danny just
shrugged.
"Jen, what is going on?"
They walked in through her front door, the heat
encompassing them and the light shocking their eyes.
Jen pushed Danny away, covering her eyes with her
forearm and crying.
"What happened? Why are you all dirty Jen?" her dad
asked.
She sat on the couch, whimpering.
Her dad looked at Danny.
Danny shrugged. "Um, Ryan came over and I was in her
bed, and he freaked out and he, um, is sort of upset and
he thinks she cheated on him."
"Jen!" her dad said. "Danny should have been in the
guest room. What was Ryan doing here in the middle of
the night?"
"Dad, shut up!" she yelled at him. "Just shut up!" she
whispered.
"We just sort of fell asleep," Danny offered. "We didn't
do anything but he thinks we did."
Her dad tried to comfort her, rubbing her shoulder.
"Honey, it will be okay."
She shook her head, and her mom came out, demanding to
know what was happening.
"Ryan came over and Danny was sleeping her bed, and he
thinks something happened between them. Nothing did, did
it?" he asked Danny, who shook his head frantically.
"Oh, shit," said her mom, sitting down next to her on
the couch and hugging her. "I know, but it will be
okay."
Jen sobbed. "I love him, Mom," she whispered. "I love
Ryan. Now he hates me!"
"No, I-I think he's just upset," said her mom, looking
at her husband.
Jen kept crying, and her mom comforted her for awhile,
until she stopped, her face sore.
"It'll be okay, hon," her mom told her. "When he calms
down he'll listen to you."
Jen nodded. "I hope so," she whispered.
"It will be!" Danny said. "Come on Jenny Penny, smile!"
She gave him a weak smile.
"Aright. Don't worry about it. Maybe we should go back
to bed," suggested her dad, tired.
"I can't sleep," mumbled Jen.
"Come on Jen, we can talk," said Danny. "Come on."
They went back to bed, her mom hugging her still and
telling her it would be okay.
Jen lay back on her bed, staring at the bright light
overhead. Danny lay next to her, trying to comfort her
though he had no clue what to say.
"He's just mad," he told her. "If he didn't love you he
wouldn't have left."
"I don't think he'll forgive me," she whispered.
"Jen, you didn't do anything wrong. What, did you tell
him I kissed you?"
She sighed sadly. "Yeah... But he thinks *we* kissed
each other, I think. I told him I said no."
"I'm so sorry Jen. It's all my fault."
"No, don't say that. It's not your fault," she muttered.
"Well, you know what? If it's not my fault -- and I
*know* it's not your fault -- then excuse my saying so,
but I think it's Ryan's fault!"
"No..." she murmured.
"Yes, I think it is!" he told her. "He is so damn quick
to judge. I mean, he's a good guy and all," he added.
"But he should have stayed and heard you out."
She nodded, still staring at the ceiling.
"I'm serious. I know it must have looked bad, but you're
his girlfriend and he should trust you."
"No!" she told him. "It's not- you can't just blame
Ryan!"
"I'm not *blaming* him blaming him! It's just that, if
someone is at fault for the way you're feeling now, it's
him! Because you didn't do anything wrong! Unless of
course," he added. "It's my fault and you think so."
"No, Danny!" she sighed. "I guess... But, he was so
upset," she murmured. "He was crying, Danny. He's never
cried."
"Oh he's cried," Danny told her. "You just haven't seen
him. But really? He was crying?"
She nodded. "Yeah..."
"Well, see, he must be really hurt and upset and
everything. He's probably really hurting. See, if he
didn't love you he wouldn't be so upset."
She nodded again, wiping her eyes. "I know..."
"Yeah? I know he does. It did look bad, but he'll calm
down. He's just mad, and he'll realize what a dork he
was and come crawling back."
"I don't want him to come crawling back," she whispered.
"I just want him back." She started to cry again.
"Jen, he loves you. And you love him. If you didn't, I
know you wouldn't have been able to resist charming old
Danny, now huh?"
She smiled, then laughed. "Yeah, I do."
"And he knows it. And the thought of you with another
guy really upsets him, so be happy that he cares so
much. Even if he is being a dork."
She gave him another smile.
***
When she woke up she felt like crying again. Danny had
to leave, and Dana wasn't home. She lay on her bed,
miserable.
Her mom came in, bringing in her clean laundry. "How are
you doing?" she asked.
Jen shrugged sadly.
Her mom sat down on the bed. "Did you guys break up?"
"I guess," she told her. "I don't know. Probably. I
don't think he wants me anymore," she whispered,
starting to cry.
"Oh honey," soothed her mom. "He's making a big mistake.
He'll realize it. He'll say he's sorry."
Jen shrugged, then shook her head, still crying.
"I'm sure he was upset that he saw Danny with you in the
middle of the night. It did look pretty bad, didn't it?"
Jen nodded.
"So he just stormed off. He'll realize it and come back
to you, I'm sure. If he doesn't then he's losing out."
She didn't say anything.
"Why was he coming over here so late?"
She shrugged, her heart racing.
"He should call before he shows up at someone's house,
especially in the middle of the night."
Facing away from her mom, Jen rolled her eyes. Her heart
was still pounding in her ears. There was an awkward
silence, and Jen knew her mom wasn't stupid. "Um, I
think he came back early and just wanted to surprise
me."
"Well he should have waited," she said. She paused.
"Jen, exactly how serious are you two?"
"What do you mean?" Jen asked, playing dumb. "We love
each other." Oh good answer Jen! she thought. It sets us
up well.
"I mean, if he was coming over here in the middle of the
night, he was sneaking over here, what, was he coming
over to sleep with you?"
Jen didn't answer.
Her mom paused. "Jen, have you two had sex?" she asked.
"Mom," Jen groaned, exasperatingly. But she knew her mom
wouldn't stop her questioning now.
"Jen, I have a right to know. What have you done?"
"Don't worry about it Mom," she muttered. "I'm not gonna
get pregnant and I'm not gonna get any diseases."
"You are going to get pregnant!" her mother told her
angrily. "You've slept with him, haven't you?"
"Yes, we have, okay?" And I have great fucking orgasms,
she thought sarcastically.
Her mom didn't say anything. At that moment Jen didn't
give a damn anymore about hiding it.
Finally her mom spoke. "We didn't raise you like that
Jen."
"Oh, like what?" Jen snapped.
"Like this! Plus you're too young and immature to be
having sex!"
"Oh, please! You always tell me I'm so mature. Now I'm
too immature to do something. Make up your mind." Jen
felt badly, she never spoke to her mom like that.
She didn't say anything, just looked at her laying
daughter on the bed for a while. "Well," she said
quietly. "Are you using birth control?"
Jen nodded. "Yeah, I'm on the pill."
Her mom's voice wavered as she spoke. "You should have
told me that!" She burst into tears.
Jen groaned silently. She hated it when her mom cried.
"Why?" she asked. "You would have just gotten mad. Like
you're doing now! See, you don't understand."
"I do understand! You don't tell me something like
this!"
"What exactly would it have helped?" she demanded
sullenly.
Her mom just sniffled.
"Mom, it doesn't matter now, okay? We already did it.
I'm not a slut, we were in love," her voice choked on
those words "and we waited a long time, okay? I don't
regret doing it one bit, alright?"
She continued to sniffle. "Well, it just makes me feel
left out."
Jen looked over at her mom finally. "Do you *really*
want to be involved with my sex life? I don't think you
do, because I don't want to be involved in yours!"
Her mom didn't know what to say, and just looked down at
her. Finally Jen started to cry again.
"That's the least of my problems right now," she sobbed.
"Now he hates me!"
Her mom patted her on the back awkwardly, not knowing
what to say.
-= Chapter 23 =-
By that night Jen had made up her mind to go see him.
She got in her car, feeling like such a spoiled brat.
After all, her parents gave her so much. She remembered
when Ryan had taught her how to drive, and how
frustrated they had both been, him especially. But he
had still let her learn on his car, and had tried to be
so patient with her.
But now she was scared to death, and she wanted to turn
around and go back. What if he was sure he didn't want
her? What if he never believed her?
She felt numb as she rang the doorbell. Usually she
would have walked in, but now she was too nervous to.
She looked around while she stood on the doorstep,
staring at his car in the driveway. She heard voices,
and then the door opened. Robby opened it.
"Come in," he said, as though she were retarded.
She came in slowly, looking around for Ryan.
"He's in his room," Robby told her, walking back to the
living room.
She was left alone in the front hall, and she slowly
walked towards his bedroom. She heard his stereo. She
knocked on the door several times before she heard the
music die down and Ryan loudly say, "Come in!"
She opened the door slowly and walked in. Ryan looked at
her then looked away. She closed the door behind her as
he turned his stereo back up.
"Please turn your stereo down," she told him underneath
the loud music. He ignored her, and she repeated it.
Finally she walked over to his stereo and turned it off.
He still wouldn't look at her, just stared at the
ceiling.
"Ryan," she said, her voice shaking. "If we have a
relationship, you will listen to me."
He ignored her.
"You will listen to me, or else you will lose me. Is
that what you want?"
His eyes met hers, but he didn't answer.
"I want to tell you what happened," she said, her voice
slightly pleading.
"I don't want to know," he told her simply. "You cheated
on me, and that's good enough for me."
"I didn't!"
"Yeah you did," he said disgustedly, looking away.
"I didn't! Ryan, I told you, nothing happened!"
"Oh, except you kissed him. You kissed Danny. That is
cheating in my book, alright?"
"Ryan, why won't you listen to me?"
He shrugged. "Maybe I don't wanna. It's black and white,
so it doesn't matter."
"Why?"
"Because you fucking cheated on me, alright? Now I don't
want a girlfriend who cheats on me. That's fucking
bullshit. I don't forgive that."
"Well you don't need to forgive me, because I did
nothing wrong!"
He rolled his eyes, looking away again and staring at
the wall.
"Ryan," she said gently, trying not to cry. "I love you.
I would never cheat on you. Now what happened is that me
and Danny were talking, and hanging out, okay? Are you
listening?"
"No."
"Well listen!" she cried. He looked up. "We were hanging
out, and he leaned in and kissed me. And I pulled away
and said no."
He paused. "Well, why the hell was he in bed with you?"
"We didn't do anything. He just stayed over and I didn't
really care if he slept in my room. 'Cause I wasn't
gonna do anything with him."
"Well why did he kiss you?"
"I don't know! Because we were just sitting there, and
it just happened. He felt really bad."
"Well, did you feel bad?" he asked sullenly. "Maybe you
didn't. How long was this kiss, anyway?"
She sighed, hurt still. "It was fast! It wasn't a real
kiss, not like a you kiss!" she told him, whining.
"Here, you be me and I'll be Danny, and I'll show you!"
He rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah?" he asked her. "I'll be
you? Okay, here!" He spread his legs and lifted them up
in the air.
Jen was horrified. She couldn't breathe, nor move as she
stared at him. Her jaw had dropped, and her eyes filled
with tears.
He didn't say anything else, just looked at her staring
at him, his legs still like that. She turned away from
him, her hand on her cheek as though he had hit her. She
heard him stand up, but she didn't turn around.
"I was kidding Jen," she heard him say softly. "I was
just kiddin'..." He touched her on the shoulder, telling
her he didn't mean it.
She spun around, and pushed him away. Tears dripped down
her cheeks. He came towards her again, trying to hug
her, but she slapped his face.
"Fuck," he muttered, shocked, his hand to his cheek. He
moved towards her again, and she jumped, flinching as
she threw her arm in front of her face to protect
herself.
He stared at her in disbelief, gulping. "No, Jen..." he
whispered. He shook his head. "I wasn't going to hit
you! No, I wasn't!"
She lowered her arm, staring at him as she backed away.
"No!" he told her. "No! I wasn't going to hit you! I
would never hit you!" he pleaded. "Don't you believe
me?"
"I hate you," she whispered, turning around and walking
out.
"No," he whispered. "No, I wasn't!" he cried, going
after her. She broke into a run as she got down the
hall, and he chased her, catching up with her as she
fumbled with the doorknob. "Jen, come on! I'm sorry, I'm
sorry!" he begged, trying to hug her.
She struggled with him, trying to push him away, before
she turned around and thrust her knee up into his groin.
"Ohhahhh!" he groaned, doubling over from the blow.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" she told him, shaking. He
gasped, gritting his teeth from the pain. "Don't you
ever fucking touch me again!"
She opened the door and ran out, slamming it in his
face.
"Oh fuck," he gasped, knowing what he had done. "Shit!"
He leaned against the door, and the tears started to
fall. He sobbed, forcing himself to stand up.
"What did you do to her Ryan?" asked Robby from the
kitchen, staring at him.
He shook his head, embarrassed that he was crying, and
went back to his room, collapsing on his bed. He gasped
as he cried, his pillow wet beneath his cheeks. He
sobbed, and whispered over and over that he was sorry.
He hadn't meant to hurt her of course, he never did. He
just let his anger and hurt get the best of him, like
usual. He was so damn impetuous.
He had planned on calling her and saying he was sorry
that he left her there, but that he had been upset, and
that the situation looked bad anyway he looked at it.
And then he planned on calmly telling her that he didn't
think it was right for her ex-boyfriend to sleep in her
bed. He had planned his speech all out. But then she had
surprised him by coming over, and it just happened. He
hadn't meant what he had done. No way did he think she
was some sort of slut.
Ryan knew he had blown it big time. He prayed she would
forgive him. He prayed to God she'd take him back.
-= Chapter 24 =-
Jen was laying in bed, asleep, when her answering
machine went off. She hadn't heard it ring, and was
barely aware of her voice announcing she wasn't home. It
was dark, and she could see the red light of her
machine.
"Babe I'm believin', I must be on my way. The time is
drawing near..."
She began to cry, it was her and Ryan's song, an old
song from the seventies.
"...The train is going, I see it in your eyes... the
love, the pain, your tears..."
She sobbed into her pillow.
"But I'll be lonely without you... I need your love to
see me through... So please believe me, my heart is in
your hands, and I'll be missing you... Babe, I love
you..."
She sat up, holding her pillow to her chest as she
gulped for air.
"Because it's you babe, whenever I get lonely and I've
had enough, feel like giving up..."
She picked up the phone, choking back sobs.
Ryan switched off the music. "I love you Jen. Why do I
do this to you?" he whispered. "I love you, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me, just this last time."
"Ryan, why? You think I'm a slut. I'm a fucking whore to
you!"
"No, no! You're not! I don't, I don't think it at all. I
didn't mean it. I don't know why I did that. I was just
mad. Please, please know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean
it."
She didn't answer him, crying and still angry, but
knowing deep down that she would forgive him. She loved
him too much not to.
"I love you, I'm sorry I ever thought you cheated on me.
I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."
"You think I'm a slut," she repeated in a whisper.
"I don't! Jen, I don't! I love you, more than anything.
I was just mad. Please?"
"I love you Ryan," she said, still sounding a bit angry.
"I can't stay mad at you, you know that. So why do you
do this? I never did anything with him!"
"I know that, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry,
I'm such an asshole. I don't deserve you. I abuse you."
"Ryan, you don't abuse me," Jen told him, muttering.
"I do," he whispered. "I don't hit you but I do. I
abused you mentally by doing that. I saw it on a talk
show, mental abuse."
"Oh Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. Don't even think that.
You were just mad. Mental abuse is different, so don't
even think that."
He didn't answer her.
"I think I saw that talk show too," she said, trying to
make him feel better. "It was like, neo-nazis who abuse
their wives mentally, and then they sleep with their
best friend's parents or something..."
That made him laugh.
"See, I forgive you. Because I love you. And we didn't
do anything, I swear we didn't," she persisted.
"I know," he sighed. "It just, you don't understand what
it was like, this naked guy in your bed, when I come in
to surprise you. I mean, Ohhh," he groaned.
"No, I understand I guess. I thought about what I would
do if it would have been the other way around."
"I guess I was entitled to my anger. But I still was a
jerk, what I said, and what I did," he added. "You're
sure you're not pissed still?"
"I guess not. Maybe a little."
"I love you. I came home early to surprise you."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Come over now."
"Yeah? Okay, I'll be right over. I love you."
"I love you too."
They hung up, and she lay there on her bed again, each
minute seeming an eternity. While she waited she thought
what would happen if he never showed up, having been
killed in an accident. Tears welled in her eyes at the
thought, and she blinked them back. How could she not
forgive him? She loved him so much. She knew he didn't
abuse her mentally, and her heart ached that he thought
so, knowing how sorry he was.
She angered at herself for letting Danny sleep in her
bed. It was mean, to Danny, to Ryan, and to herself. She
had been testing herself to prove how strong she was,
but it was cruel for all involved she supposed. Danny
had been wrong when he had said it was Ryan's fault that
she was upset after he left. It was Jen's fault that
night, not his. Ryan was at fault the next night, but
the before had been Jen's.
She smiled when she heard his car, and her heart sped up
when he knocked at her door. She hoped her parents were
sound asleep. They hadn't said anything else about her
sexual activities, and she hoped they would stay out of
it.
She let him in, and he held out a big bouquet of flowers
for her. She hugged him tightly, so happy that he was
here.
"Thank you," she whispered, putting the flowers in her
vase.
He sat on her bed, rubbing his eyes.
"School tomorrow," she sighed.
He nodded. "I know. Why do I do this to you Jen?"
"Ryan!" she sighed. "Stop it. I forgive you. I do."
"I shouldn't have done that. No way," he told her,
staring at the floor.
"Ohhh," she whispered, pulling him to her on the bed. "I
know. I forgive you, aright? That's what relationships
are about, forgiveness and compromise and you know."
He nodded, starting to cry. He broke down in front of
her for the first time, and he sobbed in her arms.
"Don't cry!" she told him, amazed once again that he was
crying.
"You hate me Jen?" he whispered.
"No, I don't! I could never hate you, hon. I just said
that 'cause I was mad. I'm not perfect. We're not
perfect, but we just have to keep trying." She hugged
him tighter.
He nodded again, and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, that's what
my parents say, that you have to work at relationships."
"Your family is so perfect."
"Nah," he sniffled. "They're not really, you know that.
They fight."
She shrugged.
"Really, you've seen 'em!" he said. "But we don't fight
that much," he added suddenly, trying to comfort
himself, and her.
She shook her head, smiling at him. "We hardly ever
fight. We've only had a couple of big ones."
"Yeah, I guess that's like my parents, we are. They get
along great, they love each other of course, but when
they don't, look out!"
"Yeah, that's us. I guess we get cruel sometimes," she
said quietly.
"I do, you mean."
"No, I do too! I've said mean stuff to you before.
Remember?"
He shrugged. "But I still love you."
"I love you too," she said, kissing him, feeling so
happy. They lay on her bed, just kissing for awhile.
"So, am I a better kisser than Danny?" he teased.
She laughed, happy that he could joke about it. "Oh,
much better. Much, much better."
"Good. You're a much better kisser than Danny, too!"
She burst out laughing, so happy that everything had
worked out. She tickled him and he tickled her back.
A knock came at her door, and she jumped. Ryan looked
startled as the door opened and her mom peered in.
Ryan sat up, and her mom didn't seem too surprised to
see him. "Jen, you didn't wake me up, but can you please
keep it down? I heard you guys laughing down the hall."
"Sure, sorry," Jen told her mom.
"Aright, good-night."
Ryan looked amazed as the door closed. "Uh, doesn't your
mom care that I'm here so late?"
Jen shrugged, relieved, but just as surprised as him. "I
guess not. She knows we've done it by the way."
"Really? You told her?"
"Yeah, she asked. I had to. She got upset, but I guess
she figures they can't stop us. Wow..."
He kissed her. "They know we're in love."
"Right. Wow, I still thought she'd throw you out though.
But I love you," she murmured.
They kissed again, holding each other tightly before and
after she turned out the light.
-= Chapter 25 =-
Her parents loved Ryan of course, although they made it
clear they would prefer it if they didn't have sex. But
they knew, although they weren't particularly liberal,
that she was going to do it anyway, and trying to stop
her would be useless.
For the holidays senior year, he took her into the city.
They went on a cruise around the water, eating dinner on
the ferry. They were the youngest ones on the boat, and
it was filled with happy couples, some who'd obviously
been together a long time. They slow danced, holding
each other tightly on the small dance floor.
Then they went to the opera, seeing Les Miserables. It
was incredible. And she was laughing the whole time, at
all Ryan's jokes. Being with him was the best part of
the play.
They were so in love, it was so perfect. Too good to be
true? But it was true, she thought. This *is* real.
Even the hotel was perfect. It was a fancy one too,
although that didn't matter. But the night was perfect.
"I love you so much," she whispered, in tears, when he
took her into his arms. "I do!"
"Hey," he told her gently. "I love you too. I love you
Jen. If I didn't have you I'd be dead."
She kissed him, standing on her tip toes to do it. He
kissed her back, hugging her so tightly. As one, they
dragged themselves back onto the bed, where they lay,
kissing and touching each other.
She climbed on him, licking his ears and his neck. She
unbuttoned his shirt, running her hands over his strong
chest. His hands slid up her thighs, pushing her hem up
to her hips. She ground her hips into him, gasping from
the sensations, even through all the layers of clothes.
She led his hands to her back, where he unzipped her
dress. Rolling off him, she slid it down, past her hips.
He stared at her, in a red satin teddy. She climbed over
him, pausing to kiss him, and stood back up. She dimmed
the lights, then got a bottle out of her bag.
"What's that?" he asked, smiling.
"Body lotion," she told him. "Edible body lotion..."
He grinned at her, and she climbed back onto the bed.
She stripped him, pulling his pants off to reveal his
hard swollen cock, which pointed to his head. She
gripped him, fondling him and making him gasp. She
climbed back on him, the soft satin of her teddy rubbing
against him. He gasped again, the sensation so
incredible. She kissed him over and over, then poured
some of the sweet smelling liquid onto his chest. She
rubbed it into his skin, sensually covering every inch
of his upper body.
She climbed off, pulling him onto his stomach. She
massaged his shoulders, and his back, as he let out his
breath, relaxing so much. He consented to just being
worked on, letting her rub his body for a long time.
Her hands traveled lower, massaging the oil into his ass
and thighs. He tensed up a bit as her saturated
fingertips slid between his buttocks. They lingered
there, something they'd never talked about nor done. She
probed him, one finger slipping up inside him just the
smallest bit. Her other hand rubbed his back, and he
relaxed, enjoying the sensation. Her finger pressed
down, stimulating his prostate. He almost came right
then, gasping loudly. He moaned, but tensed up again,
and she removed it.
Her hand slipped lower, between his spread thighs,
delicately smoothing the oil into his sack. Then she
worked lower, massaging his calves and even his feet.
Her fingers slipped under him, spreading the oil onto
the front of his legs. He wanted to fuck her, he was so
close to cumming, but he just laid there, trying not to.
Then she began with her mouth, and he squeezed his eyes
shut as goose bumps ran across his body, despite the
warmth of the room. He felt the wetness, and the soft
flicking and licking of her tongue as it traveled down
his spine. She came back up, sucking his ears and the
back of his neck. He tried to turn over then, begging
her to please, make him cum. But she didn't let him,
whispering in his ear, "Not yet..." while she still sat
on his legs.
She climbed off and licked him all over, running her
tongue over his legs and his hips. Finally she let him
roll on his back, and he gripped his pulsating cock,
ready to aim it into her.
But she just smiled, and instead went down, kissing his
chest and licking up all the lotion she had put on him.
He breathed so hard, rapidly. He groaned in frustration,
as her mouth traveled downward, and downward past his
aching groin to his thighs. She licked his thighs, and
his knees, his slight leg hair sticking to him with the
oil. He slid downward, desperately trying to get his
dick to her mouth. But she went downward too, teasing,
to the end of the king sized bed, and still kept kissing
his calves. His heart pounding in his ears, he begged
her, please.
She looked at him, lying there so desperate. She crawled
up to him, and crouched over him, kissing him. His hands
fumbled underneath her, trying to push aside her teddy
so he could get in. He pulled it down off her shoulders,
groping her breasts while he searched for the entrance.
But she crawled off him again, instead attacking his
dick with her mouth while he gasped. She swallowed him
whole, taking the whole thing past her lips. He sat up
on his elbows, groaning, his eyes squeezed shut.
She sucked him, hard, up and down. He yelled, holding
her head while he thrust up into her. Moaning, he
exploded in her mouth, down her throat. He shot what
seemed like gallons of sperm, his body convulsing with
each spurt. Gasping, he collapsed back on the bed, still
slightly thrusting into her mouth as the last drops were
drained from him.
Ryan lay there, eyes closed, breathing hard. He finally
looked up at her, staring at him, and sat up. He pulled
her down to the bed, staring down at her body, still
halfway covered by the teddy. He slid it off her, and
she lay there, naked as him. He grabbed the bottle, and
she smiled at him, sighing in pleasure.
He went to work on her, pouring the oil all over his
palms and then rubbing them over her body, massaging it
into her breasts. They went all over her body, until she
was covered in the sweet oil. Her breathing became
faster, more rapid, while she stared up at him. He
licked the edible lotion off her, the tip of his nose
dragging along her skin. Then he buried his head between
her thighs, lapping her juices up and probing her folds.
She moaned, gasping. He licked her clit, and all around
it until she was on the brink of cumming.
Her fingers ran through his hair, while she moaned
again. His hands under her ass, he lifted it up, pushing
her to his mouth. She cried out, his slippery tongue
flicking inside her. Her legs went over his shoulders,
squeezing his head between them. He sucked her clit,
harder and harder, and she cried out again, shrieking
his name and that she wanted him to fuck her. He wasn't
much good at teasing her, doing so would prolong his own
pleasure.
Instead he climbed on her, sliding up into her dripping
hole. He lay on her, pumping and laboring between her
thighs. He sat up on his knees, still thrusting, her
hips off the bed. Her legs wrapped around his hips and
he fingered her, rubbing her clit while he rammed into
her. She gasped, throwing her head back. She thrust back
at him, her vision blurry as she came. She cried out,
over and over. He kept at it, groaning from the
sensations of her vagina clenching him so tightly. He
fell back onto her, grunting as he continued to fuck
her.
Just as he was beginning to get tired, supporting
himself above her, she pushed him on his back. She
straddled him, grinding herself into him. Then she
leaned back, and brought her legs in front of her, past
his shoulders. He rubbed her knees and thighs in front
of him, then, using his knuckles, he ground into her
clit. He'd never done that before, and the sensation was
incredible. Pleasure shot through her body and she
climaxed again, shrieking his name and "Oh God!" over
and over.
She climbed off of him, laying next to him. He took a
break himself, trying to avoid cumming yet. He licked
her nipples instead, kissing her while she held him
tightly. He kissed her for so long, his erection
softened just a bit. She leaned over, taking him in her
mouth again until he was hard as steel again. She turned
onto her side, away from him. He entered her again,
thrusting slowly, then faster, and faster, then slowly
again, driving her wild while his fingers strummed her
clit. Over and over he brought himself to the brink,
then stopped himself, still giving her climax after
sweet climax.
Finally, he kept going, thrusting into her from behind
while she lay next to him. He yelled, pumping his hips
as fast as he could. He came high into her, and she
groaned when she felt it. He kept thrusting, getting
every last bit of pleasure from his orgasm, while he
gasped, and moaned. He fucked her until he went soft,
spent and drained. They both lay there in the dim light,
trying to catch their breath.
His head rested on her shoulder, and she twisted around
to face him.
"I love you," she said, kissing him.
He nodded, saying, "I love you too. 'Now and
forever'..." he told her, quoting the engraving on her
ring.
They had fallen asleep like that, his sweaty chest
against her back. When they woke up they hadn't moved.
-= Chapter 26 =-
(Matt's flashbacks... )
Matt lay in bed, feeling happy and yet miserable. His
mom had let him stay home from school fortunately. He
couldn't help but feel miserable, considering his
appearance and how much he hurt. He hurt physically, but
also emotionally. But he was happy too, happy that Jen
didn't hate him and that he'd talked to her. He wondered
if he could really call her. He considered calling her
and not saying anything, or hanging up, just to see if
she was there and to hear her voice. He'd done it
before. But he always felt like a dork afterwards. He
thought about every single time he had seen her...
He'd loved her instantly. He couldn't help it, he
supposed, his hormones were out of control. She'd
treated him well all year he guessed, and he had always
had a glimmer of hope that she liked him whenever she
would smile at him, or talk to him. He fantasized that
she really liked him, and not Ryan.
He first saw her the week before school started. He was
on the football team, and practice started two weeks
before school. He got to know this guy Mike, who he'd
known before but never was really friends with, pretty
well. Mike invited him home after practice one afternoon
to get something to eat and hang out.
He had a cool house, and they played video games in his
room and talked about stuff. They heard some people come
running up the stairs.
"My sister," Mike explained. "Probably Jen, too."
"How old's your sister?" Matt had asked.
"Oh, she's seventeen. Jen's still sixteen I think. Yeah,
her birthday's in October."
"Are they seniors?"
"Yeah."
"Are they hot?" asked Matt, his mind always on girls. He
figured now that he was in high school he ought to be
getting laid all the time.
"Man, shut up! That's my sister!" Mike exclaimed. "Jen's
pretty hot though," he added.
"Cool."
Mike paused. "Have you ever done it?"
Matt paused too, thinking whether he should lie and say
he had or not.
"Me neither," said Mike.
Matt smiled too. "Well, I guess I will pretty soon. I
want to anyway!"
"Well, duh! Of course."
It was getting really late; Matt called his mom to tell
her where he was, but she wasn't home. He was supposed
to be home awhile ago though.
"My mom can give you a ride home when she gets home.
Probably in like an hour or so."
"Oh."
"We can asked my sister though. She might say yes."
"Okay," agreed Matt enthusiastically.
They knocked on her door. They heard voices and music.
"Come in!" called a female voice.
Mike pushed the door open and walked in, Matt trailing
after him.
One girl, Mike's sister Matt assumed, as she had the
same white-blond hair, lay on the bed. Another girl
stood in front of the closet, which had a mirrored door.
Oh my God, thought Matt.
The other girl, (was Jen her name?) was trying on
clothes apparently, as they were all over the room. She
was only wearing a skimpy bikini, and she was
unbelievably tan. She wasn't really tall, but she was
incredibly built. Her chest filled out the bikini top.
Her brown hair hung in waves down her back. He saw her
face in the mirror, and she was beautiful, he thought.
He took all this in, in about two seconds, and that's
all the time it took it seemed for the blood to flow and
his dick to get hard in his pants. He stared at her
while Mike asked his sister if she could drive Matt
home.
Jen turned around, and smiled at the boys in the
doorway. Matt blushed, looking away for a second.
His sister, Dana, made a face. "Where do you live?" she
asked Matt.
Matt was staring again at the other girl, who was
turning around and looking at herself in the mirror.
Mike poked him.
"Huh?" he asked.
"Where do you live?" he asked.
Matt told her.
"Oh, that's right by Jen's house," his sister said.
Jen turned around again and looked at him. He blushed
again.
"Yeah, I'm going home soon. I can take you home if you
want. Can you wait a few minutes?" she asked him.
He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's fine," he said, trying
to act cool. "Thanks," he added.
"No problem," she told him, giving him a smile. "God, I
hope I don't lose my tan soon," she said to Dana.
"Don't worry about it," she said. "God, Jen, you're *so*
skinny!"
"No I'm not!" said Jen. "I think I gained too much
weight this summer. This bathing suit was looser on me
when I tried it on in the beginning of the summer."
"Oh, it's still loose though. God, you're a twig!"
Jen rolled her eyes. Mike and Matt still stood in the
doorway, looking at her.
"Oh you're *so* fat Jen," whined Mike, teasing her.
"You're just a whale!"
"Screw you!" laughed Jen.
"No, I think you have a nice body," said Matt honestly.
She turned and looked at him again, her smile making his
heart race. "Thanks," she said.
"Nuh huh, Matt. Jen's a fat pig," insisted Mike.
She rolled her eyes at him. She turned around and put
her bra on, over her bikini top. She hooked it up, then
undid her bikini and pulled it out from under the bra.
Matt stared at her while she pulled a T-shirt on, a long
one that went past her hips to her thighs. She pulled
down the bikini bottoms, kicking them off and then
pulling on some peach colored panties. Matt tried to
imagine what she would look like without the T-shirt, so
he could see her between her legs. He'd never seen a
real naked girl, except for his little sisters, but he
supposed that didn't count.
She pulled on some jeans shorts, and he stared at her
buttoning them up while Mike and his sister talked about
something. She didn't seem to even notice he was
watching her. Matt wondered if he could get dressed like
that in front of a girl he didn't even know. He doubted
he could get dressed in front of a girl he *did* know.
She sat down on the bed, flipping through a stack of
pictures that lay there.
"When are you going home?" asked Mike.
She looked up. "Oh, like ten minutes. That okay or do
you need to leave now?" She looked at Matt.
He gulped. "Nah, ten minutes is fine. I don't have to
leave *right* away," he added.
She continued looking at the pictures. She lay back and
laughed over one with Dana.
Mike pulled on him, and they left, closing the door
behind them. They walked down the hall to Mike's room.
"Man, doesn't that give you a woody?" asked Mike.
"Oh man..." Matt groaned. "Damn! I was hoping she'd take
her clothes all off. What's her name, Jen?"
"Yeah, that's Jen. She's been best friends with my
sister, like forever. She slept in my bed once," he
bragged.
"She did? Were you in it too?" Matt asked, jealous.
Mike laughed. "No. I wish! She was drunk and she just
came in and passed out. I had to sleep in the guest
room."
"Wow. Cool," he said, impressed. He felt cool himself,
that she was going to bring him home. What could they
talk about?
"Yeah, me and her are friends too," added Mike.
"Oh yeah?" asked Matt, wistfully.
"Yeah. She's *really* nice," he said.
Finally he heard her calling Mike in the hall. Mike
nodded at Matt, "Get your bag."
Matt grabbed his things and followed him out there,
trying to act casual. She was still talking to Dana,
saying that she'd call her later. She looked at Matt.
"Ready to go?" she asked.
He followed her down the stairs, while Mike said he'd
see him tomorrow at practice. Matt prayed he didn't
stink too badly, or that she wouldn't notice if he did.
No one ever took showers at school, but he wished he had
for once.
They went out into the summer evening. She had a cool
car too, a Jeep, one of the new kinds.
"My car's really messy," she explained. "Sorry."
"No, it's not. It's cool."
"Thanks. So what's your name again?" she asked, starting
the car.
"Oh, Matt."
"Are you a freshman?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"I thought so. I mean, I've never seen you before."
His heart raced. Did that mean she wanted to see him
again? Or that she would have noticed him if she had?
"What position do you play?" she asked.
"Huh? Oh, quarterback," he told her.
"Really?" she asked. "My boyfriend's quarterback too!"
His heart sank. He might have guessed she had a
boyfriend. "Oh yeah?' he asked half-heartedly.
"Yeah."
He felt pretty cool though; he'd never been driven
anywhere by someone who wasn't an adult. Plus she was
hot. Would he see her at school? They sat in silence for
awhile.
"Are you looking forward to high school?" she asked,
trying to make conversation.
"Yeah! Eighth grade was lame," he said. "It'll be cool."
She smiled. "This your street?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's a while down though," he said, wishing he
could think of something cool to say. He wondered about
her boyfriend, he wondered if they has sex. He tried to
picture her having sex. He wondered if she was going to
go out with him tonight.
"So, what are you doing this weekend?" he asked. Oh,
shit! he thought. It's sounds like I'm coming on to her!
"Oh, I don't know. Probably not much," she said. "I
still have to get my school supplies. Echh! I hate
school."
"Yeah, me too!" he said. "It's that one there," he
pointed out regretfully.
She pulled over, and smiled at him. "Well, it was nice
meeting you," she told him.
"Yeah! Nice meeting you too! Thanks for the ride," he
added.
"Oh, no problem! I'll see you around school probably!"
"Yeah, see you around," he said casually, closing the
door. He walked coolly into the house as she drove off.
He dropped his bag on the floor, then went up the
stairs. He went into the bathroom, peeling off his
sweaty shirt and looking at himself in the mirror. He
flexed his muscles. He was much bigger than other guys
his age, he thought. He didn't have any hair on his
chest. Was he supposed to? He didn't know.
He kicked off his shoes and shorts, turning on the
shower. He shivered in the draft, then he sighed in
relief as the spray of hot water hit him. His dick had
softened, but the need was still there. He washed his
whole body, thinking about her.
He thought about when she drove him home. Instead of
saying it was nice to meet him, she could have put her
arm around him, and looked him deep in the eyes. She
could have kissed him, then said, "Matt, I want you." He
tried to imagine her unzipping his fly and leaning over
in the car, sucking his dick.
He rubbed himself, squirting some conditioner onto his
palm and using that as a lube. He closed his eyes and
rubbed faster, remembering her in the bikini, more than
half naked. It wasn't hard to picture her completely
naked. One hand gripped his balls, while the other was a
blur, rubbing the head of his dick faster and faster. He
tried to imagine himself on her, fucking her with
everything he had.
Soon he let out a cry, muffled under the spray of the
shower, as he jerked, shooting cum everywhere. He
gasped, and groaned, as his knees felt weak, and he
thrust his hips forward.
"Shit!" he gasped.
He felt ashamed immediately, he always did. Then he felt
sad, and lonely.
***
With the excitement of the first day of school, he
forgot about her. He had English and Biology with Mike,
and he was hoping they'd be friends. There were so many
new kids he didn't know, a lot of pretty girls too. His
middle school had been mostly white but now it was
really mixed.
But he saw her the second day of school, in the library
when he went to get his books. She was in there too; he
saw her immediately, laughing with some other seniors.
He wanted to go up to her but he couldn't; he was only a
freshman besides.
He walked by her nervously, heading toward the door. He
paused, turning around and looking exasperated, like he
was waiting for someone really slow. He tried to act
casual again, stretching and yawning. She looked at him,
and his heart raced. She was eating an apple, but she
smiled and waved at him, and he smiled back.
He fantasized in class about her. What if he saw her
every day, or went out to lunch with her? He wished he
had a car, or his friends did, so he could hang out in
the parking lot. He wanted to find out more about her
from Mike. He thought Mike was pretty cool.
He was glad when they became friends, and he ate lunch
with him on the lawn every day. They always talked about
girls, but he didn't want to be obvious about liking
Jen, so he couldn't just bring her up out of the blue.
But he did anyway sometimes.
"Oh, I saw that girl that was at your house you know.
The one that drove me home. What was her name again?" he
asked casually one day, even though he knew.
"Huh? Who, Jen? Jen," he told him.
"Yeah, that's right. Um, is her boyfriend Scott Alberg?"
"Alberg? The quarterback? No, Ryan's her boyfriend. He
goes to Woodland. He's their quarterback. Why?"
"Oh, because she said something about her boyfriend
being the quarterback and I thought maybe she was going
out with Alberg."
"Oh, no."
He knew he didn't have much of a chance with her, deep
down, but he wished he could just hang out with her. He
was disappointed with his social life, he didn't go out
much last year. He figured nobody but him stayed home on
Friday and Saturday nights. He wondered what she did for
fun. Probably get drunk and stoned, he thought. He'd
never done either although he wasn't against it. He just
hadn't. He wondered if she was a virgin. Probably not,
he figured, jealous.
She had the same math teacher as him, the period before
his. Sometimes she would stay behind and talk to people,
or the teacher, and he would see her though they never
talked. Usually she was gone by the time he got to the
room though. He never knew where she sat, but one day he
saw the seating chart for all the classes. There was her
name, Jen Halleran. She sat one seat in front of him. He
considered writing, "I love u" on the desk, but only
briefly. If she knew he liked her she'd probably never
talk to him again, or maybe make fun of him.
Thursdays after school were the days students could make
up tests if they'd been sick. He'd missed one, and one
day he came in and she was sitting down, talking to this
guy. His heart raced. The teacher wasn't there yet. He
squeezed past her, saying "Excuse me" as though he was
annoyed. She looked up, and smiled at him, saying hi.
"Hi," he responded. He got out his books and tried to
look busy.
She continued talking to the guy, this really skinny guy
with a baseball cap on. Matt wondered if she liked him.
Maybe she'd broken up with her boyfriend. But they were
talking about him.
"I mean," she was saying. "We've been to six Homecomings
so far."
"Oh yeah, huh," the guy answered. "But you're still
gonna go to both this year?"
"Yeah. I'll have to get two new dresses," she
complained.
He laughed. "I haven't seen him since like, August.
Remember that pool party in the Oaks?"
"Oh yeah. Well he's the same. Except he has the
sniffles!" she cooed.
He laughed. "He has 'the sniffles'?"
"Yeah! He's sick," she stuck out her lower lip.
"Oh, poor baby. I guess you can't kiss him now."
"Oh, well too bad. I kiss him anyway," she laughed.
"My little brother's on his little brother's soccer
team," the guy said.
"Really? Which one? Will or Robby?"
"Will I think. He's like 9."
She smiled. "Yeah, that's Will. He's the cutest I swear.
He's so cute."
"He looks just like Ryan. I swear, he *is* Ryan."
"I know! He does! He's the sweetest little boy."
"Robby looks like him too, but not as much."
"Yeah, he does a little bit. He sounds like him now. His
voice is totally changing. I call and he answers and I'm
like 'Ryan?' and he's like, 'No, it's Robby,'" she said
in a low voice. "He's grown so much."
"Yeah, total growth spurt."
"He is *so* perverted. I mean, he's like, Hyperpuberty
Boy."
The guy laughed. "How old's he?"
"Like thirteen. He's in seventh. I think he's twelve
actually. Anyway, one time I stayed there and watched
them this summer while Ryan and his parents went down to
look at colleges. And you would not believe how
disgusting he is, Brian."
"Why? What did he do?"
"Well, he's like asking me all these questions," she
said, looking over at Matt, the only person around them,
to see if he was listening. She didn't think he was.
"He's like, 'Do you fuck my brother? Do you suck his
dick?'" she whispered.
Brian snorted.
"Shut up," she said, tossing her head. "Anyway, he goes,
'How do I get a girl to suck my dick? Will you suck my
dick?'"
"He asked you to suck his dick?" asked Brian, surprised.
"Yes! I was gonna slap him, I swear."
"Damn! Whatta little pervert. Did you tell Ryan?"
"Yeah. He beat him up," she laughed. "But actually I
just told him to talk to him, because he was really
confused and stuff. So he did. I guess all the girls at
his school thought he was a pervert too."
"He is! Ryan's a pervert too, though. Don't you think?"
he laughed.
"Well, sure. He's a pervert too. But that's different,"
she smiled.
"Yeah, 'cause you like him being a pervert."
"Yeah! But anyway, Will! He's so cute. He's like," she
whispered, "'Do you know what S-E-X is? Have you done S-
E-X?'"
"He's a little skater now, huh?"
"Yeah. He thinks he is anyway. He shaved his head! And
he wears all the baggy clothes, and skates to school. He
thinks he's cool. But he is a cool kid. He's gonna be so
hot when he grows up. Oh my gosh, you know what he
said?"
"Huh? 'Will you do S-E-X with me?'" he joked.
"No!" she laughed. "It was *so* sad. I like, cry
thinking about it. One time like last summer, hey you
better not tell your brother this okay? Will'll kill
me."
"Sure. My brother's a dork."
"Anyway, I was at his house one Sunday morning and he
was really quiet, you know? And his mom kept asking him
what the matter was. And so we're all sitting there, and
he like whispers, 'How come when I wake up I feel like I
have a bone in my dick?'"
Brian burst out laughing, and Matt tried to conceal his
own laughter.
"And so we're all sitting there staring at him for a
second, in shock you know, and he starts to cry and he
says, 'I think I have *cancer*!'"
Brian continued laughing. "Oh man! Boner!"
"That's what Robby said. He's all shouting, 'Boner!
Boner!' at him. So Ryan and his dad had to tell him what
was up."
"Literally!" he laughed.
She burst into laughter. "It was so cute!" she
remembered.
Another guy came in, and he sat next to her, pulling her
hair. "What's up?" he said.
"Nothin'. We're just talking about Ryan's little
brothers," she told him.
"Oh yeah! They are exactly like Ryan. They *are* him."
They laughed. "That's what we were talking about," Brian
said.
She got up to throw her gum away.
"They're just like Ryan," repeated the other guy. Matt
thought his name was Jeff. He laughed. "They're gonna be
gettin' laid every night too when they're his age!"
Brian laughed.
"I heard that!" she exclaimed, sitting back down.
"I swear, you guys are just like rabbits."
"We are not!" she exclaimed.
"Yuh huh! I know you are. That's cool," said Jeff. "He's
so full of it though."
"Why? Why do you say that?"
"I mean, he's like 'I'm the best,'" he told her.
"He's the best? What, you mean, in bed?" she asked.
"What's he say?"
"Oh," he laughed. "He's always like, 'I'm the best, I
have the best mouth, she's always so satisfied, I'm the
greatest...' That sorta stuff!"
She laughed. "Yeah, sounds like Ryan."
"Is it true?"
She smiled. "He's a good boy."
They groaned. "Oh! I see. He's a good boy is he?" said
Brian. "I suppose you're the one that tells him he's the
best!"
She giggled. "Well, of course! Guys need compliments.
No, but he is very good," she said seriously. They
rolled their eyes. Matt felt a pain in his stomach.
"He said he did it six times in one night," scoffed
Brian. "I don't think so."
"Six times?!? Yeah right. No guy can do it six times!"
said Jeff.
"No! He did I swear," she protested.
"Bull fucking shit," said Jeff.
"No, I made him."
They laughed. Matt was finding this quite interesting.
She rubbed her eyes, remembering. "We got in a huge
fight that night," she said, not smiling.
"Oh yeah? No guy can do it six times in one night. Maybe
three or four. What was the time frame?" he asked.
"Um... Like, from like nine o'clock to maybe three in
the morning."
"Maybe..." conceded Brian.
"No really! I was really drunk, and God, I don't know
what my problem was. Anyway, the first time I was like,
'Let's do it!' and he was like, 'YEAAAHHH!!!'" she said
enthusiastically. "Then I was like, "Let's do it again,'
like right after, and he's like, 'Yeahhh!!!' And then I
was like, 'Again!' and he was like 'Aright...' And then
awhile later I was like, 'Again! Again!' And so he was
like, 'Awhhh!'" she groaned. "'Yeah, okay.' And then I
was like, 'More! More!' I mean, I was waiting awhile.
But then anyway, so he's like, 'No! Well, okay. Wait a
few more minutes.'"
"'And suck my dick,'" interrupted Brian.
"Shut up!" she told him. "And then after that one, he
was really tired, yeah, it was really late, and I was
still going, 'More! More! More!'" the guys laughed "and
he was like, 'No, okay? I can't do it again! Haven't you
had enough?!?' And so I kept bugging him, and he kept
saying no. And then I got mad, or I was just pretending
to be mad, and I like turned around and faced the wall
and wouldn't talk to him. And he's like, 'Jen! God, I
can't do it! I'm tired! I *don't have any left!*'"
They laughed again.
"And I tell him he could at least try, and he's like,
'There's no point! I canNOT do it *six* times in one
night, okay!'"
"Right," Jeff nodded.
"So I say," she cringed, "'you would if you loved
me...'"
The guys groaned, reeling from her words. "No! I can't
believe you said that!" exclaimed Jeff. "Ooooooooo..."
he groaned.
"Goddamn!" groaned Brian. "That was *not* cool."
She nodded in agreement. "I was kidding! Really. Yeah,
he got *so* pissed. He like jumped out of bed and
started yelling at me."
"Did you cry?"
"Yeah! I always cry whenever he yells at me. I can't
help it! Anyway, he was really pissed and he was like
screaming at me and he was about to throw me out of *my*
house, and I was just sitting there crying, going 'Ry!
That's not what I meant! I meant you would at least
*try*!'
"Ooo, big difference," said Jeff.
"Well, anyway, so he was also really pissed because he
thought I was on XTC, because once I said I wanted to do
it, and you know how it makes you really horny? Well he
told me he wouldn't let me do it, which was cool, but
anyway he was totally convinced I was on it. It took me
like an hour of him screaming and me crying to convince
him I wasn't on it. But he was so mad, he was like, 'I
don't have sex with you to show you I love you. I do
other things to show you I love you.' Totally making me
feel bad. And then, anyway, we made up and we did it
again."
They laughed. "Awright," said Jeff. "Okay, *maybe* six
times in one night."
They looked over at Matt, who was staring at Jen, and
laughed. He'd been listening of course, but it was still
funny.
"But he doesn't talk about what we do, does he?" she
asked seriously.
"Well," said Jeff. "Not really. But he does talk about
you a lot."
"Really? What does he say about me to his friends? He's
different sometimes, when he's around his friends. Not
you guys, or Josh or Corey, but his football friends
that I don't know."
"Really? I don't know, I don't know them. Oh, well, I
mean, we all know he worships you. You're like, a
Goddess."
She laughed. "Really?"
"Yeah!" laughed Brian. "I swear, it's like, all his
friends are his little army, and our mission is 'Protect
Jen.'""Shut up!" she laughed.
"No really. You better marry that boy, I swear."
"Yeah, we will. If I got pregnant we'd get married now,"
she told them.
"Oh yeah? Well, anyway, he talks about you a lot. If
we're over and he calls you, and you're not there, then
he gets like, sad and stuff."
"Really?" she asked. "Awwwwh..."
"Yeah, and you know what," said Brian. "Josh told me
that one time, I guess all three of you were all over at
his house, and you had to leave or something?"
She shrugged. "I guess I remember."
"Well, anyway, he said that after you left, Ryan's all,
'You know that girl that just left? The one with the
brown hair and beautiful blue eyes?' And Josh was like,
'Uh, yeah? You mean, Jen?' And Ryan goes, 'I'm gonna
marry that girl.'"
"Really?" she asked again, her face lighting up. "Ohh!"
They laughed, and the teacher came in.
Matt stored all this information away. It was a bundle.
He was impressed that she had sex. Of course he was
jealous, too, of her boyfriend. God, he couldn't imagine
yelling at her. Even if she was being bitchy. But he
obviously loved her. He fantasized that he was her
boyfriend.
***
Whenever Matt saw her his heart raced. And then she was
always gone, into the classroom, or the parking lot, as
fast as she had appeared, she was gone. He had hung out
at Mike's a lot, but she was never there.
One night he went over to his house, to work on their
biology project. It was due the next day, and they'd
both been slacking off. They had their notes, but still
had to write the paper. He was in a bad mood, because
Mike kept promising to work on his part, but he never
did. It was already eight o'clock.
"We'll write it in my sister's room," said Mike, as they
ran up the stairs.
And she was there, laying on the bed watching TV. He
tried to act casual. Dana was on the phone, but she
waved to Mike to use her computer. They pulled in
another chair, and Matt sat down.
"Hi Jen," Mike had groaned.
"Hi Mikey," she'd said. Mikey? he wondered.
The minute Dana had gotten off the phone, it had rung
again.
"Hello?" Dana said. She looked at Jen. "Um, what if I
say she's not here?... Well then, what if I say she is?"
Jen raised her eyebrows at her friend.
Dana raised hers back, covering up the receiver. "It's
Ryan," she explained. "He said, 'Is my girlfriend
there?' and I said, 'What if she's not?' and he goes,
'Then I'll be happy.'"
"He'll be happy?" asked Jen.
"Yeah, and then I say, 'What if she is here,' and he
says, 'Then I'll be sad.'"
"Oh really?" Jen snorted. "Well I wouldn't want to make
him sad!"
"She doesn't want to make you sad," she said into the
phone. She paused. "Oh. He says he'll be sad because
he's really tired and he wants to go to bed."
"So go to bed," Jen said plainly.
"Go to bed," relayed Dana. "Oh... Just a second." She
threw Jen the cordless phone.
"If you don't want to talk to me then don't," said Jen.
"So go to bed! I'm not standing in your way... Yeah...
Oh... Yeah, I know... Why are they there?... I don't
care, I was just asking. . . Hey, I'll let you go if
you're so tired... really? Oooh, Ryan! Bad!" she teased.
Matt was trying to listen in, but at the same time not
be obvious, i.e. keep telling Mike what to write next.
She sat up. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?...
Sorry!... Yeah, yeah... I just meant it's a Monday
night. I never said that..."
She clicked the phone off, and slammed it down on the
bed. Dana took it, hanging it up. They're fighting!
thought Matt.
"What? Did he hang up on you?" she asked.
"No. I hung up on him. Wait give me the phone."
"Why? Are you going to call him back?"
"Yeah..."
"No! Don't! Wait five minutes first."
She sighed.
"What was his problem?"
She lay back down on the bed. "He was being such a
prick! I was like, 'Fine! You don't have to talk to me
if you don't want to!' And he's like, 'Oh, I'm drunk,'
And so I'm like, 'Ooh! Bad,' and he gets all mad, and
says, 'Don't *you* lecture me about drinking!'"
"What a dick!"
"Yeah, and I'm like, 'Ryan, that's not what I meant.' I
mean, he never drinks on a weeknight. Usually not even
on a weekend, you know? So I said that, and he goes 'Oh.
Well, whatever.' So I hung up on him."
"What's his problem?" asked Dana.
"I don't know. His asshole friends were over there, and
you know how he's different when they're there..."
"Nah, it's probably because he's drunk. He's nice to you
Jen," interrupted Mike.
"Well he's still being a dick."
"Do you guys fight a lot?" asked Matt, curious.
"No, hardly ever. We've only fought like, four times!"
"Have you guys been going out a long time?" he asked.
"Three years," she told him.
"Wow," he said.
"Right. I don't need this shit," she said.
"Jen! Come on, don't cry!" exclaimed Dana
sympathetically.
Matt looked over, she was rubbing her eyes, laying on
the bed. She sniffled. Yup, she was starting to cry. He
couldn't believe it. Her boyfriend was such a jerk, he
would always want to talk to her if he was him.
Dana leaned over the bed, hugging her. "Come on, you
know he loves you. Sometimes he's just in bad moods.
Aren't you ever in bad moods too? It doesn't mean you
don't love him still."
She nodded, swallowing her tears. The phone rang.
"Hello?" asked Dana. She looked at Jen.
"I'm not here. He can be happy," she said sarcastically.
"What if I say she's not here?" asked Dana. "Oh yeah?...
Well what if I say she is here?... Well what if I say
she's here but that she... Okay! Okay!"
She handed Jen the phone. "He's all, 'Will you just give
the fucking phone to my girlfriend!"" she imitated.
Jen snatched it up. "Don't you speak to my friends that
way!" she screamed. "No, *you* listen!... Goddamn you,
what the hell's your problem... No, it is not *me*...
Why are you being like this Ryan!" she cried.
Matt and Mike raised their eyebrows at each other.
"Should we leave?" he whispered to Mike. Mike shook his
head.
She continued yelling at him, starting to cry again.
Matt wanted to comfort her. "I never said anything bad
about them!... Unlike what they say about me though,
huh?... No!... It's different, Ryan, it's different!"
she sobbed, her face in her hands, her chin resting on
her knees as she sat back against the wall. "Oh, oh. Not
because you don't want me to be upset... Oh, isn't that
just fucking classic," she snapped sarcastically.
"Listen to this you guys," she told them. "Ryan says,
'Don't cry Jen. Don't cry in front of your friends; it
makes me look like the bad guy!' Well why do you think
I'm crying!" she screamed into the phone.
Matt sat there watching her, as she cried and argued. It
isn't fair, he thought. Why does he get her when he
treats her like this?
She swallowed her sobs a bit, and got quiet, listening
to him talk. "Uh huh... Yes!... But I'm just telling you
Ryan, it's different lately... It is!... I haven't seen
you hardly at all since school started... I know
that!... But, you obviously have time for *them*! You
didn't invite me... Yeah, I'm sure they just came over
and forced the beer down your throat while you
protested, saying, 'No! I have to study!'" she said
sarcastically. "See, now you're not even listening! ...
Bullshit! ... What?" she gasped. "*What*? What did you
just say?" she gasped, starting to cry again. "I can't
believe you just said that! That was over two *fucking*
years ago! I can't believe this!" she sobbed. "You never
forgave me for that, did you! ... I never said I was!
... Yeah, right... No you don't! ... Oh yeah, well I'm
sure getting drunk will really contribute to excellence
tomorrow during practice! ... Oh, yeah, well maybe they
can suck your dick from now on since you love them so
much!"
Matt widened his eyes, and Mike tried to keep from
laughing.
"Go Jen!" Mike laughed.
"You tell me to fucking shut up one more time and we're
through, ya got it! ... Yes, you did! You just said it!
... Oh, same damn thing! ... I could too! ... I don't
want to fight with you! You started it! ... Well what am
I just supposed to ignore it? That is not going to
help," she said. "It's not. You don't want to talk. You
don't call me anymore. We don't go out anymore... Well,
not like we used to! ... I know that," she whispered. "I
know, but you don't tell me these things. I'm not a part
of your life... I know... Yeah, I know... Why?! Because
you're friends just came back in! Is it embarrassing to
fight with your girlfriend in front of them! ... You're
so different... See, now you're not even talking to me!
... You're not, you're talking to them! ... Oh, I see.
See, you can't bring yourself to apologize or say you
love me in front of them... No, not in front of *them*!
... You can talk to them all you want," she said
sweetly, hanging up on him.
She wiped her eyes, still crying.
"Come on, Jen," said Dana, wrapping her arms around her.
"It'll be okay. What did he say?"
"He's just such a jerk," she cried. "He's all, 'Oh, like
you're perfect! At least I don't lie to you!'"
"What? When did you lie to him?"
"Fucking remember *Brett*," she sobbed. "Fucking two
*years* ago!"
"Oh my God, he brought that up? I can't believe it!"
exclaimed Dana.
"That's the only time I've *ever* lied to him. This is
supposed to be the best year, senior year! And look
what's happened to us," she whispered.
"It's okay," said Dana. "He loves you, he's just
stressed with school and college and football and
everything."
She nodded, still crying. She lay back on the bed. Matt
and Mike worked on the project for awhile, but he kept
looking over at her.
Awhile later the phone rang again.
"Hello?" groaned Dana. "Yeah, just a second."
She held the phone out, and Jen shook her head.
"She doesn't want to talk to you. I don't blame her
either... Yeah, I know you do... What?... Then why do
you... Yeah, aright." She held the phone out again. Jen
still shook her head.
"I think he's sorry..." she told her. Jen said nothing.
"No, she won't!" she said into the phone. "No, she's
right here, she just doesn't want to... She won't take
it... Aright, I guess. But if she leaves she leaves,"
she told him.
Jen still lay on the bed, facing the wall. Dana pushed a
button on the phone base, putting it on speakerphone.
"Jen..." said a male voice. "Come on, I'm sorry. I am!"
She didn't answer him. Matt listened intently.
"Jen, please. I don't want to break up with you. You
know that I love you," he said.
"Yeah, I'm sure your friends aren't in the room," she
sniffled.
"What? Aright, fine! Hold on!"
She cried, her face in her hands. They could hear him as
he yelled for his friends to come in the room.
"Okay, are you guys all here?" he asked. He sounded
drunk. A chorus of male voices sounded. "Now my
girlfriend. Her name is Jen by the way and she's very
nice and very beautiful. I love my girlfriend a lot," he
whispered. Jen sobbed. "And I'm sorry I was a jerk. And
I'm saying this in front of my friends so they know too
that I'm a jerk. Jen, I love you," he whispered. "Please
talk to me. I'm too drunk to come see you 'cause I can't
drive 'cause I'm drunk. And I can't find my car," he
whined.
Jen sobbed, laughing too.
"Your car's in your driveway!" someone at his house
hooted.
Crying, she got up and took the phone.
"Ryan, you're drunk," she cried. "I do, I do... I know,
that's why it scares me when it seems were growing
apart... Yes, definitely... Yeah, I know... They're
leaving?... Yeah, it's almost 9:30... What?... You're
mumbling!... Yes... *Hello*?... Ryan," she said gently.
"I can't hear you if you put it on mute... I hear the
clicks..."
She put the phone on mute herself. "He's putting me on
mute so I can't hear him crying... I can hear the
clicks!" she told her.
"Ohhh! He's crying?" asked Dana.
"Ry, I love you too... I know... Sure, I'll make you
spaghetti," she told him, giggling as Dana laughed.
Matt laughed too. "Man, how much did he have to drink?"
asked Mike.
"Yes I do," she said in the phone. "Yeah, sure... Yes,
I'll remember the sauce... Ryan, you are *drunk*! How
much did you drink? Twelve?!?" she exclaimed. "He had
twelve beers and a 40 in the last two hours," she told
them.
"Damn!" said Mike.
"No, I'm not mad at you for drinking!... I know... No,
you do. Better than me anyway... Well, you sorta drank
too much... No! You are *not* driving!... Yes, I do
believe you... Yeah but how do you need me?... Ryan, I
think you're too drunk, honey... No! That's not what I
meant!... Ry, no! Take it off mute, please. . . " She
covered up the receiver. "Now he's all upset because he
thinks I think he can't get it up!" she whispered.
"Well, he's drunk!" exclaimed Mike.
"Yeah, I know but he... What?" she asked into the phone.
"You had it on mute I didn't hear the whole thing... No,
I know... No, no. It's okay. Ry, are you sure though?...
You're just drunk... You know your rule... I know...
Yes, babe, I understand... I'm sure you'll be passed out
by the time I get up there anyway. Plus you need your
sleep!... Where are your parents, anyway?... Oh. They
didn't care?... Oh...Yes, I do... Baby, I love you," she
whispered. "I know you are... Okay... Yes... Yes, I love
you. . . No, I'm not!... Aright, goodnight..."
She hung up the phone, groaning in frustration. "He's
like, 'I'm about to pass out. I'm drunk. My posters are
weird! You're mad at me still. I love you. I'm drunk!'"
she mimicked.
Dana and Mike laughed, and Matt smiled. He felt
miserable, though. She would never be his. He should
just get over her, he thought. He was wasting his time.
But I love her, he thought.
***
About two weeks later Mike's parents went up to the city
for their anniversary, spending the night in a hotel.
Mike invited Matt, and this other guy from their
football team, Darin, to spend the night. They rode
their bikes around town, eating at McDonald's and
hitting on girls. Finally they returned to his house,
and with nothing else to do, settled on a game of Life.
Matt felt a bit childish, but his sister and Jen weren't
there anyway.
He asked about her. "So, what did your sister do
tonight?"
"Huh? Dana? Oh, she went out."
"Oh, yeah, with who?" he asked casually.
"I don't know. Probably Jen and Ryan and whoever. Why?"
"Oh, I was just wondering."
"You like his sister!" teased Darin.
"No I don't. Shut up!"
"No, he likes Jen!" laughed Mike. "He wants her ass
bad."
"Shut up," he muttered. "I do not."
"Yuh huh! You always ask about her."
He ignored him, instead getting into the game. He kicked
himself for asking about her so much; he hoped if he
stopped for awhile Mike wouldn't think he liked her. He
didn't know about Mike; he might tell her. He considered
himself good friends with her, although Matt didn't know
how much truth there was to that.
Awhile later they heard car doors slamming in the
driveway. The side door opened and Jen walked in. Matt
gulped, taking a sip of his soda. She was dressed up,
wearing a short plaid skirt and black stockings. From
the look in her eyes he guessed she was either really
tired, really drunk, or both.
"What are you playing?" she mumbled. "Oh, Life! I love
this game!"
She sat down next to Matt. She picked up Darin's little
blue car off the game board, and made it drive off the
board in front of her. "Vroom vroom!" she laughed,
steering the little car off the table and onto Matt's
lap.
"Hey!" he exclaimed.
She ignored him, saying again, "Vroom vroom!" She took
the little car, dragging it up his thigh and his chest
while he shrank away from her, blushing.
"Vroooooooooom," she said, now moving it up his shoulder
and his neck, giving him goose bumps from the cold
plastic on his bare skin.
Mike and Darin were laughing at her, the former saying,
"Uh, Jen? I think you're too drunk to drive!"
She looked at him, tossing the piece onto the board.
"I'm not drunk," she slurred. She looked over at Matt.
"You know, you have really pretty eyes," she told him.
Matt blushed. "Thanks."
"Ooooo, Matt," teased Darin.
Shut up!!! Matt thought. But she didn't notice.
"Ryan's pissed at me 'cause I'm drunk," she whined,
putting her head on the table. She didn't move, and Matt
wondered if she was passed out.
The door opened again, and Dana and three other people
came in. She still didn't move as Dana and the two of
the guys went down the hall.
The third guy looked at her, tickling her scalp with his
hands. She still didn't move. Is that Ryan? wondered
Matt.
"So, I hear you're mad at her for being drunk," said
Mike. It *is* him, thought Matt.
He'd never seen him before, and he was impressed,
although he never would admit having checked out another
guy. He was tall, and strong, with brown hair which
needed a haircut. Matt knew he was great looking; he was
exactly the kind of guy that every girl would check out
and compliment.
Ryan rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not. Did she say that?"
"Yeah."
"Nah. She's just drunk. She keeps asking me if I'm mad.
Right, hon?" he asked her.
"You are too mad!" she answered, sitting up. "Even if
you don't know or admit it."
"Well if you keep saying that I will get mad," he
laughed.
"See! You are too mad," she repeated, whining. "I have
to go to the bathroom. Because I'm drunk," she added,
giving Ryan a pointed look as she went down the hall.
The other two guys came back in the kitchen. They sat
down at the kitchen table with the freshman. Matt felt
like a baby, playing a board game on a Friday night.
"Let's play poker," said one of them.
"Yeah. Go get cards," Ryan said to Mike, sitting down as
well.
"Okay," said Mike, who went to his room.
Ryan caught Matt looking at him. "What's up?" he asked
him.
"Nuthin'," said Matt, looking away.
"What are your guys' names?" he asked.
"I'm Darin."
"Matt," he said.
"You guys freshmen?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah," said Matt.
He nodded. "That's cool. You guys play poker?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure!" said Darin.
"Sure," Matt said, although he hadn't. "But I haven't in
a while."
"Oh, well, we're not playing for money," Ryan told him.
"Oh. Okay," said Matt.
Mike returned with the cards and chips, and all six guys
settled into a game. The other two guys were Corey and
Alan. Dana came in and pulled up another chair, leaning
her head on Alan's shoulder.
"Where's Jen?" asked Ryan.
"In my room, I think. I don't know what she's doing."
"Ah," he answered, raising Mike.
Jen returned in a few minutes, her heels off.
"What's up?" asked Ryan, his eyes on his cards.
Slinking over to him, she straddled his lap, her head on
his shoulder. Ryan continued playing, while she muttered
a few things to him. He shook his head, twice.
Matt watched as she began covering him with soft kisses,
her tongue on his neck, and ear. The other guys kept an
eye on her too, Matt noticed, while they continued the
game. She kept murmuring things in his ear, and kissing
him on the mouth, fully. Ryan pretty much ignored her,
except to close his eyes when she kissed him. Matt was
at a perfect angle to see both their tongues touching as
they kissed. She held his face in her hands while she
kept kissing him.
"Harper," prompted Corey. "Your turn!"
Ryan took his mouth away, leaning forward to take his
turn. She was pressed backward into the table, turning
her head around to see everyone. Her eyes met Matt's
briefly, as they did the other guys'. Her eyes were
glassy. She must be really drunk, thought Matt.
She murmured again in Ryan's ear, and this time Matt
heard what she said, "Let's do it, come on, now." Ryan
shook his head again, saying, "No!"
Ryan won that game, laughing loudly at the others'
misfortune. While Alan shuffled, Jen leaned back onto
the table, her legs straight out behind Ryan's arms. She
stretched her arms out, groaning. Ryan ignored her
still. She reached back and pulled the clip out of her
hair. Raising one leg over his shoulder, she sat back
up, shaking her hair down. Matt widened his eyes at his
view, as her skirt fell back up her legs, revealing the
top of her black stocking and several inches of thigh,
and finally the edge of her black underwear.
"Is this turning you on?" she asked Ryan.
"It's turning me on," said Alan, laughing. Matt agreed
silently, squeezing his legs together.
"Uh, am I hard?" Ryan asked sarcastically.
The other guys laughed, and she responded by grinding
her hips into him, bucking against him while she
laughed.
"Knock it off," he snapped.
"Ryan!" she whined. "Come on, please?"
The freshman guys couldn't believe their ears. Here was
a girl, a real girl, begging to be fucked. And more than
that, the guy was turning her down.
"I said no!"
She pouted, taking her leg off his shoulder. "You're mad
at me," she whispered, leaning on his shoulder.
"I am not!" he insisted. "I don't care if you're drunk
but right now I'm trying to play a simple game of poker.
Got it? I think you need to go to bed anyway," he added.
"I'm not tired!" she whined.
"Yes, you are," he told her. "How many people here think
Jen needs to go to bed?" he asked loudly.
"Raise your hand if you're sure!" giggled Jen.
Dana, Mike, Alan, and Corey agreed with Ryan
enthusiastically. Matt didn't want her to go to bed
though.
"But I'm lonely," she whined. "And it's scary in there."
"Jen, I'll be right out here," Ryan told her gently. "If
any robbers or rapists come in, just scream and I'll
come in and protect you, okay babe?"
"But," she insisted. "It's dark. What if I can't see
anything and I think it's you and I let him?" she
pouted.
"Well," said Ryan. "As soon as he takes out his little
tiny dick you'll know it's not me for sure, now won't
you?" he grinned.
Everyone laughed, including Jen.
"But you promise you won't leave?" she asked him sadly.
"Promise," he told her, giving her a kiss.
"Okay," she said. "But you have to put me to bed," she
insisted.
"Aright, after I win this hand."
"You know I'm just kiddin'," she told him in his ear.
Ryan smiled at her, giving her a kiss.
Matt felt that same sickening pain in his stomach, the
jealousy and hurt eating away at him as he watched her
with Ryan, knowing she would never even consider him.
I'm just some stupid freshman, he thought, who plays
board games on a Friday night.
After Ryan did win that hand, she dragged him out of the
kitchen and down the hall.
"I guess he's out," said Darin with a grin.
"Nah, he'll be out in a minute. He doesn't fuck her when
she's drunk," said Corey.
"Yeah, not when she's drunk," said Dana.
"Why not?" asked Darin.
Corey shrugged. "I don't know, ask him."
"I think it's because one time she like freaked out, and
she didn't know what was going on and who the hell he
was. I think she was high though too. But anyway he was
pissed," said Dana.
"I'd do her when she was drunk," said Darin. Matt agreed
silently.
"I know, huh?" said Alan. "He's got some control, man!
I'd hit that anytime!"
Dana sat up, rolling her eyes. She crossed her legs. Was
she going out with Alan? wondered Matt.
Alan redialed, and they waited for Ryan to come back.
Dana walked out of the kitchen, without saying anything.
Ryan passed her as he walked in. "Man, what's up?" he
asked.
Alan shrugged. "I don't know."
"Does she want to get back together? She was all over
you tonight."
"I don't know. She's drunk I guess. I don't really
care," he added. "I'm sort of still getting together
with Michelle."
Ryan nodded, checking out his cards.
"You hit that?" asked Corey.
"Who, Michelle? Nah, not yet," answered Alan.
God, they all screw each other, thought Matt. He
wondered if Mike minded when they talked about his
sister. Did he care if she had sex?
"We almost did," continued Alan. "I went muff diving,"
he added with a grin.
The other seniors laughed, and Darin groaned, "Echh!"
They looked over at him. "What, you ever done it?"
challenged Corey.
Darin had to admit he hadn't. "But that's nasty," he
added. "I'm not going to ever do it."
"Uh, you will if you want to get your dick sucked,"
laughed Alan. "Besides, it's not nasty, huh?"
"The way I see it," said Ryan, "is that you worship it
figuratively, so you might as well get on your knees and
worship it literally! Besides, there ain't nuthin'
better... Well, besides fucking or getting your dick
sucked," he added.
Alan agreed, nodding.
"If I die with my head with my head up in that, I'll die
a happy man!" Ryan laughed.
"It's great," agreed Corey. "You just gotta get in
there, and eat, and eat..." he added, demonstrating with
an open mouth and extended tongue.
Ryan and Alan laughed. Matt laughed too, wanting to seem
cool anyway.
"What's your favorite position?" he asked them.
Alan shrugged. "I don't know. Doggy's pretty good."
"They're all good," said Corey. "Yeah, doggy's hot."
"I love to be ridden *like a horse*," said Ryan.
The others agreed enthusiastically. "That's nice," said
Alan. "Just lay back, and get ridden."
Matt tried to picture Jen on top. Was that her favorite
position too? Did she like to be eaten out a lot? He
would do it for her. He doubted she was nasty.
"Man, you've got some control," Alan told Ryan.
"Huh?" he grinned.
"The girl's like, on your lap, begging you, and you say
no! What's up?" asked Darin.
"Nah," he told them. "She didn't want it really. She
just wanted to be alone together I think."
Matt wondered about that. Why didn't Ryan go spend time
with her instead of playing poker with his friends?
"She gets like that sometimes," he continued. "But then
she passes out. And that's not too cool." They knew what
he meant.
They played cards until almost two. Matt thought Ryan
was really cool. They talked about football, and Ryan
seemed to like him. Maybe he would mention to Jen he
thought Matt was cool? They talked about sex of course,
the younger three not being able to speak from
experience. But the older trio didn't make any virgin
jokes, to their relief. They felt cool to be hanging out
with them on a Friday night.
Ryan got a few beers from the car, and he drank a bit.
"You staying here, Harper?" asked Alan.
"Yeah, probably. That okay with you?" he asked Mike.
Mike nodded. "Sure. You can sleep on the sofa bed in the
living room."
Dana came out. "I'm going to bed now," she said,
sounding annoyed. "And Jen's sort of on my bed. She's
*out*."
"Oh, yeah. I thought you were asleep too." said Ryan.
"No, I was on the phone."
"Oh. Yeah, well, aright," he told her. "I'm out," he
told the guys, tossing his cards onto the table and
standing up.
"Yeah, I gotta get going," said Alan.
"Yeah, see ya guys," said Corey to the three freshman at
the table as they left.
Mike and Ryan went into the living room, opening the
sofa bed. Mike went and got sheets and a blanket while
Matt hung around, wondering when Jen was going to come
out.
Ryan brought her out, carrying her. She was completely
gone, her head resting against his arm. She was wearing
some of Dana's shorts and a T-shirt. Did he undress her?
wondered Matt. He wondered what it might be like to do
that.
He put her to bed, setting her gently down on the
sheets, then covering her up with the blanket. He
certainly cares for her a lot, thought Matt, jealous.
Ryan kicked his shoes off, then pulled off his T-shirt.
Matt noticed how muscular he was. He climbed into bed
next to her, on top of the blankets. Matt still stood in
the kitchen doorway, watching them, as Ryan smoothed her
hair, then kissed her cheek. His eyes filled with tears,
as he once again realized she would never be his.
Ryan looked up. "Hey, can you turn out the light?" he
mumbled, tired.
Matt nodded, and he and Mike went upstairs.
Matt and Darin slept on the floor in sleeping bags. All
three were tired, and so they didn't really talk much,
which was fine with Matt. He'd never felt so depressed,
or empty inside. He couldn't fall asleep, and soon he
heard Mike's deep breathing.
Darin whispered, "You guys awake?" Matt ignored him,
wishing he was.
He groaned inwardly as Darin quietly grabbed some
Kleenex off of Mike's desk. Matt tried to shut out the
sound of Darin's rapid breathing and rustling in the
sleeping bag as he jerked off. God, can't he do it in
private? he thought, annoyed. Soon he heard him gasp,
and then his breathing began to slow down as he too
drifted to sleep.
Matt lay in bed for awhile longer, pissed that he
couldn't sleep. She was sleeping herself, downstairs. He
got up, trying to be as quiet as he could. He sneaked
downstairs in the quiet house, praying he didn't walk
into anything and wake everyone up.
He went into the kitchen, flipping on the light casually
as he got a drink of water. The running water was loud
in the silence. He casually walked to the doorway that
led into the living room.
It was partially lit from the kitchen light, enough for
Matt to see the sleeping couple. Jen was on her side,
facing Matt, Ryan behind her. His arms were wrapped
around her. Matt stared at her, and him, for awhile.
Then he went back upstairs, purposely not being very
quiet. He didn't care if they woke up.
He crawled back into his sleeping bag, biting his lip as
the tears began to fall.
-= Chapter 27 =-
Ryan lay in bed, his mouth sore where Jen had hit him.
He started to cry, but couldn't get many tears out. It
was over, he'd blown it.
He began to think of all the times they'd had together,
trying to remember what it felt like when she was still
his. He hadn't appreciated that feeling enough when he'd
had it, he knew. But now it was too late. Jen hated him.
He thought back to one Sunday last fall, when they were
watching the football game, lying on his bed. They'd
been so stressed last fall, with applying to college.
They'd fought a lot, about other things, but mainly it
was due to the stress. Both were considering the
possibility of different schools. They had different
goals anyway. He felt he was losing her whenever she'd
say how it wouldn't hurt their relationship too much to
be apart geographically. It was so upsetting to him,
he'd sort of assumed she would go with him. But of
course he wanted her to be happy, and she should go
wherever she wanted.
But that day they hadn't fought once. They'd gone out
the night before, eating dinner and seeing a movie. They
came back late, sneaking into his house so as not to
wake anyone up. It was so perfect, giggling in bed and
making love for hours while they tried to be quiet. Then
Sunday morning his parents made a huge breakfast. She
was so much a part of the family, he thought. She's like
a sister, but of course not to me. She's my best friend.
Or she was, he thought painfully.
Then they lay on his bed, just relaxing, watching the
game. He'd thought about her, next to him, how much he
loved her, and how scared he was that he would lose her.
"Marry me," he'd said suddenly.
She looked at him. "What?"
"Marry me," he repeated.
She'd held her left hand out, moving her ring finger,
his ring always there. "What's this?" she'd asked him
gently.
He'd rolled over, looking deep into her eyes. "No, I
mean, now. Before college."
"Ry! We can't get married yet," she'd said.
"Why not?" he'd asked her.
"Because," she'd sighed. "I don't want to yet."
"But, then if we go to different schools, you'll still
be mine."
"Ryan! No. I will be yours anyway, got it? It doesn't
matter where we go to school."
He'd sighed.
"Ryan," she'd said gently, hugging him. "When we get
married, that's it. We're never going to live apart
after that. Right?" she'd asked him in a small voice.
"I know. But I'm just scared it'll be different, that
you'll meet someone else..."
"Well, I'm scared you will too."
He'd shook his head furiously. "No, Jen! I won't! I
promise."
"I could never love anyone else. Comprende?"
He'd nodded. They looked at the TV for a second, which
was showing one of the player's wives, with their small
son.
"What if you got pregnant?" he'd asked her suddenly.
She'd paused. "Then I'd want to get married now."
"You wouldn't want to have an abortion?"
"Ryan, no! You know I don't believe in abortion!"
"Yeah, me neither."
"I could never kill a part of me," she'd told him
quietly. "And especially, I could never kill your child,
our child."
"Oh, I know. I was just asking. God, Jen, if you got
pregnant I'd marry you so fast you wouldn't believe it!"
She smiled at him. "You'd better marry me, boy!"
"I would," he promised. "I *will*."
Then Robby came in, without knocking again. It was the
third time he'd walked in on them since they'd been
watching the game. He's trying to catch us doing
something, Ryan had told her.
"What's the score now?" he'd asked, casually.
"The same," Ryan had told him. "If you're so interested
in the game, why don't you watch it?"
Robby had paused. "You mean, with you?"
"No, not with us! In the living room."
"Ry!" Jen had laughed. "You can watch it with us if you
want Robby," she told him.
"No he can't. We're talking," said Ryan. "Close the door
on your way out," he told Robby.
"Fine!" he said, sullenly. "Wait, not!" he'd added over
his shoulder, leaving the door partially open. He
slammed his own, next door.
"Whatta brat!"
"Ry, you're so mean..."
"I am not! I swear, he's just in here to spy on us. He's
trying to catch us doing something. He's such a little
pervert."
She laughed. It was true.
Ryan started moaning, quietly, while Jen asked what he
was doing. He began groaning, saying, "Yes! Oh God,
yes!!!!" loudly. Laughing, she told him to stop. He
didn't, still moaning and groaning. He got into it,
shouting out her name and screaming, "Yes!!!" over and
over at the top of his lungs. He began bouncing on the
bed, then jumping on it, knocking the headboard
repeatedly into the wall he and Robby shared. She
laughed so hard she nearly cried, though thoroughly
embarrassed. His parents could probably hear!
And they did; soon his dad came into the room while Ryan
was still jumping on the bed, groaning and yelling her
name.
"*What* is going on?" asked JR, amused but annoyed as
well.
Jen, still laughing, hid her head under a pillow as Ryan
fell down on the bed, sitting next to her.
"Oh, nothing," he'd said.
"Well, keep it down. And *don't* jump on the bed, will
ya? That's something I'd have to tell Will not to do,
alright?"
"Sure, no problem," he'd said.
His dad, shaking his head, closed the door.
"Dork!" Jen had called him, laughing.
"What? I bet Robby got two, three good wanks outta
that!" he'd told her with a grin.
"Oh, you're so bad," she'd teased. "Were you that
perverted?" she'd asked.
"Sure!"
"I wanna know what you did," she'd teased.
"Oh, I had the magazines. And the fantasies. And my
right hand. Sometimes my left when my right got cramped.
The usual."
"I wanna see you do it," she'd whispered to him.
"What? Oh, not this again. Later, huh?"
"Okay," she'd sighed. "I'm just teasing you..."
"Nuh huh! I know you like it," he told her with a
naughty smile.
She'd smiled back, blushing a bit.
Laying on his bed, by himself, Ryan thought about that
day, and how much she hated him now. He wanted to kill
himself again. He had for awhile.
-= Chapter 28 =-
Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call
Dana, but hung up before she even dialed. Dana didn't
understand her as much anymore. Jen thought she might be
disgusted with her for sleeping with Matt. She'd never
said that though, just been shocked when it had
happened. Jen knew Dana wanted her to take Ryan back.
Never, thought Jen. But she wasn't as convinced as she
told herself she was. However, she was starting to get
an idea that her life might continue without him, that
she wouldn't die. For the ten thousandth time she
recalled what had happened...
It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had
happened. Almost March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just
gotten a scholarship to his first choice school. Jen had
applied there too, but hadn't heard yet whether or not
she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it
seemed, that she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she
wanted to go out of state. They'd fought about that, his
not seeming to care, nor listening to her when she
talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had
been accepted, he kicked back a bit more, cutting school
and partying more. He'd gotten mad when she bugged him
about that too.
But they made up. They always did, of course. But he
still didn't change much. She thought maybe they were
breaking up. She was petrified he was going to say they
shouldn't limit themselves when at school, that maybe
they should see other people. He hadn't said that
though. Not yet, she had thought.
Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out
anyway. Once when she was at track she nearly fainted.
She had only a tiny lunch, she told herself. She refused
to think about other possibilities. But she couldn't
ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom with her tampons
in it seemed to yell at her whenever she had gone in
there. She hadn't opened the drawer in almost six weeks.
A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately.
Instead she called Dana, and they talked. She made an
appointment with the doctor. She had to be sure first.
The earliest appointment was Tuesday. All weekend she
felt sick, sick to her stomach. He came over on Friday
night, and he was sweet to her, making her dinner. He
hadn't stayed long though, she thought bitterly. After
all, she thought, he wasn't going to get any, not with
her feeling sick. Maybe if he had stayed she would have
told him. But he hadn't, so she didn't.
Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called him, and
he wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all
day she waited, but he never did. She called again, and
he still wasn't there. Will sounded annoyed that she'd
called again. That made her even more depressed.
Finally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana
agreed, and promised to come over the next day with the
test. Plus, Dana told her, then you will have talked to
Ryan, and he can come over.
But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back.
Depressed, she finally agreed to take the test with Dana
there instead. I'm sure he's just really busy, Dana told
her.
She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown
paper bag. It was white, with pink and blue letters.
"This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana, holding back
tears. "This fucking sucks."
"It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will
be okay." She read her the instructions. Echh, she had
to pee on the stick.
She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They
had to wait five minutes.
"You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't."
"Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be
negative."
She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off
school for a year though," she whispered. "He said he
wanted to get married now anyway, before we went to
school..."
"See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will all work out.
Ryan loves you *so* much. Come on, it's a beautiful
thing," she told her, although she knew it sounded
corny. Hell, even she didn't believe it.
Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile.
Four minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana
gulped, getting up and going into the bathroom.
Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears. She felt
like she was going to throw up. God, *please*, she
prayed.
Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out,
holding the white plastic stick. A line meant positive,
no line, negative.
Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!"
Dana paused. "It's positive, Jen."
Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a
boulder. Or that someone had slapped her.
"Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow.
Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best
friend in her arms while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she
thought. Where the hell is he?
Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her
eyes open, staring at nothing. She thought about it,
remembering the conversation where Ryan had said he'd
marry her. She was still miserable though. Where was he?
"Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the
blanket. "You rest. I'll be right back." She left,
closing Jen's door.
She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's
number in the phone book, and dialed.
His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan
there?" she asked.
"No."
"Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded.
"I don't know! I think he's at baseball practice."
"Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets home,
okay? Or to come over."
"Sure."
"Don't forget!"
"I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!"
"Good. Good-bye."
"Bye."
She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana
comforted her again for awhile, while she sniffled and
cried.
The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it.
"Hello?" she asked. "Ryan! Where have you been?... I
called you yesterday twice and you never called me
back... No, I said you could call late!... Well, please
come over now. Now!... We need to talk... Six? Can't you
come earlier?... Aright, but please come over... No, I'm
not pissed at you!... Aright, bye..." She hung up.
"He's gonna come over at six," she told her. "In like,
an hour."
Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who
thanked her and cried. Six o'clock came around. Then
6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He didn't come. She called him
again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out, said his dad.
She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently,
and she called him again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed
up. She tried not to scream. Crying, she laid in bed.
At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat.
She heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling
her name as he came down the hall. He opened the door,
and walked in. Darius, one of his friends, followed him
into her dark room, illuminated only by the television.
"Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd
be here at six! It's almost eleven! And we need to talk
*alone*."
"Sorry! I needed a ride."
She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?"
"Nah, just buzzed. Well, maybe drunk," he laughed.
"I said we need to talk alone," she repeated, looking
pointedly at Darius.
"Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius.
"Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan. "Wait in the fucking car,
will ya?" He left.
"Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he
was being like this, the opposite of what she needed.
"What? What is up?" he asked her.
"We need to talk," she told him, flipping on the light.
She squinted from the bright light.
"Yeah, you already said that! Luckily, I have a voice
box so that is made possible. Hey, why are you crying?
What, 'cause I'm late?"
"You said you'd be here hours ago! Why do you have to be
drunk? And you never called me back yesterday," she
whined.
"Well, I'm sorry. I was busy." He didn't sound sorry.
"And why shouldn't I drink? I'm happy!"
She let it slide. Instead she got up, pulling the box
out of the garbage and tossing it to him.
He read it. "What is this, this test?" he asked slowly.
"Ryan," she whispered. "I'm pregnant..."
It was good to get it out, now surely he would comfort
her. But that's not what happened.
He looked at her for a second, then snapped, "Well this
is just fucking bullshit!"
"Ryan!" she gasped.
"What d'ya mean, 'I'm pregnant?'" he demanded.
"What? I-I'm pregnant. Like, gonna have a baby!"
He paused. "What are you going to do with it?"
She stared at him. "What do you mean, what am 'I' going
to do with it?!? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, what the hell are you going to do? Are you
going to have an abortion or not?"
She sucked in her breath, her lungs filling with air.
"NO I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION!!!!" she screamed
at him. "What's your problem?!?"
He jumped up. "My life was going so good right now! I
can't afford a kid."
"Oh, so it's all my fault, is it?"
"Yes. Maybe it is."
"Why?! What, I got myself pregnant? What's your fucking
problem?"
He looked at her. "You fucking did this on purpose,
didn't you Jen?"
"What?" she whispered.
"You did this to keep me with you, to keep me from going
somewhere else, huh?"
"Fuck you!" she screamed. "How dare you say that shit to
me! How could you think I would do that?!?"
"Oh, yeah sure. Good move there. Real smooth. Maybe we
should be considering our future anyway. I mean, we are
moving away and all."
"What?" she gasped. "You're fucking breaking up with
me?!? You fucking asshole!" she screamed.
"I didn't say that!" he yelled at her. "So, how long has
it been?"
She seemed disoriented. "I don't know, like, a month
maybe."
"Oh really? I wasn't even here a month ago! I went to
UCLA with my parents! So, whose kid is this?"
"You, are the biggest fucking prick I have ever met in
my life!!!" she sobbed. "Goddamn you James Ryan Harper!"
"Do you think I'm going to sit around and raise someone
else's brat?!? I don't think so! Goddamn *you *Jen! I
have worked too hard to get where I am right now. *Too*
hard, got it?" he screamed, slurring his words.
She just stared at him. No longer crying, she was filled
with anger. "Get out of my house!!!" she told him. "Get
the fuck out!!!"
He closed his eyes for a second. "Listen, I'm leaving.
I'll call you tomorrow," he told her calmly, stumbling
as he walked to her door.
"No you won't!" she yelled. "Fuck you!"
He waved her away with his hand.
She sat down on her bed, her only thought being she
needed to die. I'm gonna kill myself, she thought. Then
he'll be sorry. I'm gonna fuckin' kill myself!
She lay on the bed, nearly hyperventilating, as she
thought of how many pills she had at her disposal, and
bleach.
The phone rang. She stared at it. She snatched it up
angrily.
"Hello?" asked Dana's voice. "Hello?"
She sobbed into the phone, crying that she was going to
kill herself. Dana freaked out, finally getting Jen to
calm down enough to promise that she would stay right
there until Dana could get there, and not to do
anything.
***
She had stayed at Dana's house the next day, Dana's mom
keeping an eye on her while she went to school. She just
told her that Jen was really sick, and to check on her
often. Dana was scared Jen would kill herself while her
parents were at work. Dana and Jen went to the doctor
like planned, and she received some counseling about her
options.
She was still severely depressed, but Dana took care of
her as she stayed over that night, making sure she
showered, and ate, and did her homework. Ryan never
called.
Wednesday she went back home with Dana, wondering if
there would be a message from Ryan on her machine. There
were several hang-ups, but it didn't mean it was Ryan,
she thought. Then there was one from her doctor.
"Hi, Jen, this is Dr. Mason. I'm calling about the
results of your test. I know you took a home pregnancy
test that indicated you were in fact pregnant, and, but
we checked your sample several times, and they all came
out negative..."
Jen screamed, gasping while the message continued. Dana
hugged her.
"...Now there does seem to be an excess of a certain
type of hormone, which might lead to a positive result
on certain types of tests. We should discuss possibly
moving you to a different kind of contraceptive, so
please call me..."
Dana was hugging her, and Jen was crying, so relieved.
"Oh my God, oh my God!" she gasped. "I can't believe it!
Oh thank you Jesus!" Then she started to sob.
***
That night Jen stayed home by herself, doing her
homework and pondering her life. It had changed her. She
was different now, even from who she was a week ago. She
hated Ryan, that much she knew. No one had ever hurt her
as much as he had. He was selfish. It was over with him;
she'd never hated anyone so much in her life, she told
herself over and over. Part of her screamed that she was
nothing without him, but she pushed those thoughts
aside. He still hadn't called. I hate him, she thought
fiercely.
She looked at her college catalogs, with the pictures of
the laughing people at the games, and in the dorms. She
began to get excited, ignoring the dull ache in her
heart. She thought of all the guys she would meet. Me
and Ryan were too serious, she told herself. It's good
we broke up, she thought, even though she didn't believe
it.
The phone rang. Maybe it's Ryan, she thought. She kicked
herself for thinking that.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Jen, I'm sor..." Ryan's voice started to say. She hung
up on him before he could finish.
Holding her pillow tightly and crying, she lay on her
bed, hating him. How could she take him back when she
hated him? She would never forgive him. He didn't really
love her. He couldn't. He just liked to fuck her.
It rang again. She let the machine pick up.
"Jen, I know you're there. Come on, we need to talk.
Please? I'm sorry I wasn't very understanding..."
She snatched up the phone. "Understanding?
Understanding? Well isn't that the understatement of the
century!" she screamed at him.
"Jen, I'm sorry! I was drunk, I didn't know what I was
thinking," he begged. "I'm sorry babe!"
"Oh, no," she said calmly. "I don't think so. Whatever
happened to not excusing someone's behavior because they
were drunk? Don't you remember saying that to me?
Remember Brett?"
"Come on, please. It's me, Ryan! We need to talk about
this."
"Screw you."
"Come on!"
"Fuck you. We're through," she snapped, hanging up on
him.
He didn't call back. He called Dana instead, but she
yelled at him, telling him he was scum before she hung
up on him too.
-= Chapter 29 =-
Matt had tried to forget about Jen after that night when
they'd played poker, and told himself he had. He didn't
see her anymore at Mike's. He asked another girl,
Lindsay, to Homecoming. He liked her too. But he didn't
ask her out, and eventually they stopped talking.
But Jen was always in the back of his mind, whenever he
saw her he felt the same rush of nervousness, feeling
sick to his stomach. One time during lunch, she walked
by his group on her way to the parking lot. One of his
friends said something about her, about her looks or
something. Darin told them Matt was in love with her,
and that she'd told him he had pretty eyes. Matt was
humiliated, and felt sick again, when his friend,
Michael (not Mike) grabbed her backpack as she walked
by, saying, "Hey Matt! Look, it's your girl!" All his
friends had laughed. She totally ignored them. She hates
me, thought Matt.
He was pissed at Mike, too, because he found out from
Darin that Mike had told Jen Matt had a crush on her.
She never talked to him though. She must think I'm a
dork, he thought, always insecure. He prayed he wouldn't
see her much anymore.
But in the beginning of February she was on his track
team, and he was elated inwardly. He knew he was going
to start liking her again, although he had to admit he
hadn't ever stopped. But he didn't want to like her,
after all, it was pointless. He'd spent too much time
already pining away after her.
But he was still happy, and he talked to her sometimes,
hoping she wouldn't laugh at him.
She got sick once, and didn't come to school for three
days in a row. He was disappointed. Mike said she was so
sick she was at his house. Matt was jealous. But on
Thursday she came to school, and they had a track meet,
the first one of the year. It was just a practice meet.
She was very quiet, and didn't smile at all. She must be
sick still, he thought. She did her event, the hurdles,
but came in second to last. She didn't look like she
tried very hard, or even cared.
His parents came to watch him run towards the end. Jen
was still being quiet, sitting by herself on the grass.
His mom and dad were talking to some other parents, and
Matt, Michael, and Terry sat and watched the final
events next to them. Matt watched Jen though, instead.
What's the matter? he thought. He wanted to give her a
hug.
Terry noticed Matt staring at her, and laughed.
"Hey Jen!" he yelled. Matt freaked, telling Terry to
shut up. He didn't though. "Come here!" he yelled at
her.
She looked over at them, then looked away.
"Hey Jen," Terry yelled. "Matt has something to say to
you!"
His parents were watching too, interested, and Matt felt
like he was going to throw up. He kept telling them to
shut up. Jen looked over again, and Terry yelled for
her. She slowly got up and walked over to them. Matt
didn't look at her.
She stood in front of him. "You wanted to say something
to me?" she asked, slowly.
He shook his head, then looked away. She stared at him
for a second, annoyed.
"Yuh huh you do!" laughed Terry. "He wants to tell you
that he loves you."
"Shut up! I do not love you," he told her, rudely.
She raised her eyebrows at him, and started to walk
away.
"No, wait Jen! Come back. Matt's just too shy to tell
you how he really feels."
She stood there still, sighing. She looked so tired.
"Matt has a boner for you," added Michael. "He has wet
dreams about you."
Matt's head spun. He was so humiliated. And his parents
were right there, listening! "Shut up," he mumbled.
"Are you a virgin?" asked Terry. "Because Matt wants to
know if you'll sleep with him."
She rolled her eyes at him, looking sad.
"Shut up!" Matt said. "She has a boyfriend," he added,
hoping they would leave her alone.
She looked at him. "No I don't," she said, sounding
disgusted at him. "I don't have one anymore."
His eyes widened. "You broke up?" he asked,
incredulously. Why? he wondered. That's probably why she
was gone.
She nodded.
"So, it's your big chance Matt!" said Terry. "He wants
you bad," he told her. "Will you let him fuck you?"
"Fuck off," she said over her shoulder, walking away.
Did she mean for him to fuck off too? he wondered. She
probably did. See, he thought, she hates me! She knows I
like her and now she hates me. His parents were quiet.
Thank God they didn't say anything. He sat there, hating
his friends and his life until it was time to leave.
He called Mike, wanting to find out what had happened.
Mike hadn't known they'd broken up, and he didn't
believe it.
"She was probably kidding," he said.
"But she looked really sad," he told him.
"Hmm. I'll find out from Dana when she gets home. Hey
dude, my parents are going away this weekend. I think
Dana's having a party. Wanna come?"
"Sure!" he answered. Did he ever!
-= Chapter 30 =-
Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember
what possessed him to say that shit to Jen. She was
right, he was different around some of his friends,
Darius among them. He felt like the biggest jackass on
the planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to
have his baby, and he'd never see his child, or Jen,
again. She'll forgive me, he thought. She has to. She
fucking has to.
Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called
earlier, but she'd hung up on him again. She heard his
car in her driveway. She slammed her math book down on
her bed.
He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked
out of the hall, staring him down. Her parents were
gone, luckily.
"Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for
an answer."
"Get out."
"Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I
don't want you to have an abortion. I'll marry you, I
mean it!" he told her, pleading.
"It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her
head, repeating, "It doesn't matter now."
"Yes it does matter!"
She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around
and walked into her room. He followed her, sitting on
her chair while she played the message from the doctor
on the machine. He listened, then dropped his jaw.
"You're not pregnant? Oh yes!"
"Get out!" she screamed at him.
"Come on, don't be like that! I love you!"
"You don't love me! You never loved me!" she screamed.
"You're not capable of love! You're only capable of
loving yourself. I told you, get out! I'm gonna call the
cops if you don't. I mean it!" she yelled.
"Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you I'm sorry, and
I mean it."
"I hate you Ryan."
He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated
in a whisper. "I fucking love you Jen!"
"It's over Ryan. It is over!"
He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive
me? Please? I love you! Come on, just forgive me. You
know we have to work at relationships!"
"Oh, don't *even* give me that. Don't even!" she
screamed at him. "To a Goddamn extent, yes! This is
different, oh my God is this different!
"Come on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!"
She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears
with her hands. She shook her head again.
She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes flew
open, pushing him away.
"You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?"
"No, I do understand, but, I'm begging you. Come on,
please forgive me," he begged, getting down on his knees
in front of her.
"Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The
reason you think I should forgive you is because you
don't understand what you did. You don't know how bad it
was. You don't fucking understand how much you hurt me!
You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed.
"No, don't say that! I know, I hurt you. I wish I was
dead. I never meant to hurt you. Please, don't break up
with me."
"Break up with you? Me? Excuse me? You broke up with
me!"
"No I didn't!"
"Oh, yes you did. You fucking did! Your actions told me
you didn't want me. You broke up with me Monday night!
Now we're fucking through!"
He shook his head, starting to cry. "No, I didn't! I
need you, Jen! Please, don't do this to me!"
"To you! God, you are so selfish! You you you! Get out!"
she screamed, running down the hall.
He followed her, grabbing her while she threw open the
front door.
"Get out!" she repeating, still sobbing. "You fucking
get out right now or I'll call the cops!"
"Jen..." he begged.
"You are not welcome here anymore," she told him,
coldly. "Now leave!"
He backed away, staring at her, his eyes red from
crying.
"Get out," she repeated.
He left, still staring at her, whispering, "Please...
It's not over..."
She slammed the door in his face, locking it.
***
Jen lay on her bed. She thought for an hour, just
thinking about what had just happened and what her life
was now. She hadn't taken him back. Surely that was a
sign of strength, that she hadn't given in. He had
probably expected me to, she thought disgustedly. She
would never take him back, ever.
Dana said she was going to have a party on Friday night,
to cheer Jen up. Her parents were gone, and Jen said she
wanted to get completely trashed.
The week before she had gone to the bookstore for
something, and had met a guy who had been hitting on
her. She didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, but just
smiled and shook her head when he had asked for her
number. He insisted on giving her his number though. He
had been really cute, extremely good looking actually.
What was his name? Kevin? Kasey? She couldn't remember.
What had she done with the number? She searched her
purse, finally finding the folded bank statement with
the number on it. Kasey.
She looked at the number for awhile, dreaming of how
great it would be if Ryan came over and she was talking
to another guy, like she had gotten over him already.
She called him.
He remembered her! He was nice, a bit quiet though. He
had a friend over, and was talking to him off and on in
the background. Jen hated that, when Ryan ever did that
to her she used to hang up on him if he wouldn't stop.
He would always call back, sorry. But she couldn't hang
up on Kasey--he would think she hated him. She told him
about the party at Dana's the next night. He seemed
interested, and she gave him the address. He said he'd
try to make it, and that maybe he'd see her there.
Finally she hung up, shaking, still hearing his voice in
her head. It was a nice voice, she thought. She smiled,
willing herself to like Kasey. That would hurt Ryan for
sure, she thought. Then maybe he'd get it.
-= Chapter 31 =-
As soon as he showered after track practice, he went
over to Mike's. He walked over; he didn't want his mom
to ask to speak to Mike's mom when she dropped him off.
He had tried to dress cool, in blue jeans and a long-
sleeved cotton shirt. He wondered if there would be any
girls there, any *new* girls. He was pretty sure Jen
would show up, but he knew she wasn't interested in him.
But maybe she'll think I'm cute, he had reasoned,
brushing his hair as he looked in the mirror. He even
shaved, so his face was smooth. Maybe now that she
doesn't have a boyfriend she'll be on the make for new
guys, he hoped.
He asked Mike casually when he went over if he'd ever
found out why they had broken up. He had said he would
ask his sister. Mike told him the whole story.
Matt was shocked, saying over and over, "Whatta dick!"
He couldn't believe the way he had treated her. What an
asshole! He tried to imagine how scared Jen must have
been when she thought she was pregnant. He felt relieved
for her that she wasn't. He wondered if she would be
really depressed that night. He wondered when she was
going to show up. He was scared she never would.
Several of Dana's friends came over first, mostly
seniors, a few juniors. There was one sophomore guy, who
hung out with the seniors. Some of them looked
unfamiliar, and Matt wondered if they went to different
schools. That was a definite mark of coolness, he
thought, to know people that you didn't even go to
school with. Finally Jen showed up, and she didn't look
depressed at all. She was laughing in fact, and smiled
at Matt when she looked at him. She started to drink,
getting even happier as the night wore on.
A couple of people gathered in the kitchen, and Matt sat
at the table. Someone had given him a beer, and he tried
to like it. It was disgusting though. It gave him a
headache too, although he had to admit he started
laughing a bit more easily. People were whispering about
Jen and Ryan all night, and he strained his ears to hear
what they were saying. He couldn't catch anything but
their names though. The music was loud, and Jen insisted
on playing this certain Rolling Stones song over and
over. She got in a fight with this guy, who, ignoring
her pleas, switched it to something else.
Pouting, she came back into the kitchen, grabbing
another drink. She sat at the table, and Matt, in
nervousness, started tapping his feet uncontrollably.
"What are you *doing*?" she asked him.
He was surprised. "Uh, nothing."
"You are so *silly*!" she told him, smiling.
He sat there in stunned silence, trying to think of
something to say. But she continued talking to other
people.
There were a lot of cute girls there, a lot of them were
older. A couple girls who he didn't know asked him what
grade he was in, and seemed surprised that he was a
freshman. They told him he looked much older. But then
they didn't pay much attention to him. A few freshman
girls that Mike had invited all hung out with the older
guys, and Matt felt depressed. It isn't fair, he
thought.
He sat like a stone at the kitchen table, his head
starting to hurt. He had only had one beer though, but
he'd never drank before. Was he drunk? He didn't know.
Everyone was so happy around him, it seemed. Even Jen
was laughing, and flirting it seemed, with guys. She had
a whole flock around her. Matt felt sick.
Jen kept asking what time it was. Matt kept telling her.
What was she waiting for? he wondered. Did she have to
leave? He hoped not. He hoped they wouldn't let her
drive.
Jen sat on the counter, crossing her legs. Matt stared
at her, then looked away when she looked at him. She
played with a pen, while some guy talked to her quietly.
She didn't look at him. Matt was dying to know what they
were talking about. Was he asking her to go back into
one of the bedrooms with him?
A girl came in suddenly, saying something to Jen. Matt
didn't hear the whole thing, except for Ryan's name. Jen
turned pale, rubbing her legs nervously.
She shrugged. "I don't care," she said loudly. Matt
could tell that wasn't the truth.
She continued talking to the guy, all of a sudden
seeming to take a new interest in him. Ryan came in the
kitchen, stopping as he saw her. She ignored him. Matt
watched nervously. Would they fight? He hoped not. He
didn't want to see her cry again.
Ryan walked up to her, and she looked down as he started
to talk to her, not looking at him. The other guy paused
and then left after Ryan stared him down.
Matt couldn't hear much of what they were saying. He
wished someone would turn the stupid music down. He
could tell he was trying to get Jen to talk to him. She
wouldn't even look at him, though, ignoring him and
playing with the pen. Good girl Jen, thought Matt.
Dana came in, and so did Corey, who hadn't been there
before, both sitting at the table too. Listening as
well. The loud music shut off, as someone turned on the
television instead. Now they could hear.
"Will you please look at me?" begged Ryan.
Playing with the pen, it shot out in front of her,
hitting the table and skidding onto the floor. Matt
jumped. She started laughing.
"You're drunk," said Ryan.
"Yeah? And you know what? I was having a good time until
a couple of minutes ago!" she told him.
"Let's go somewhere where we can talk."
"How about... not!" she laughed.
"Jen, please! I know I hurt you, but you can't just give
up on me, on us."
"You know what Ryan? If you had hit me, that would have
hurt me less than what you did," she said suddenly.
"Jen! You know I would never hit you!"
"Yeah, but if you had, it would have hurt me less!" she
repeated.
He paused, staring at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I'm so sorry."
"That's nice. You're right though, you *are* sorry."
"Come on Jen!"
"Fuck you!" she snapped. Uh oh, thought Matt. "Go away!"
Ryan sighed. He didn't say anything, just stood there
next to her.
"Did he ever show up?" asked Dana suddenly, completely
randomly.
Jen smiled at her. "No," she said, sounding annoyed. "He
didn't! I called him but he wasn't there."
"Oh, well, he hadn't *promised* that he would come."
"Yeah, he hadn't *promised*," said Jen.
"Who?" asked Ryan. Matt was wondering the same thing.
Jen didn't answer.
"Who are you talking about?" he repeated. "Oh, I get it.
Gimme a break, Jen! I'm not about to believe you're over
me already! Not after three years!"
"Well can't you let me try?!?" she demanded, sounding
upset.
"That's the last thing I'm about to do."
"Why did you have to come, Ryan?" she whined. "You
ruining my night! I was having fun until you came!"
"Jen, please!"
She jumped off the counter, running down the hall. Ryan
started to follow her, but she came back into the
kitchen immediately.
She held out a white business envelope to him, saying,
"Take it. This is yours..."
"What is it?" he asked.
"Take it," she repeated, handing it to him.
He took it, opening it. He shook his head furiously,
saying, "Jen, no! No! This is yours! Jen, it's not over,
come on!" he whispered, taking the small shiny item out
of the envelope and trying to give it to her.
She wouldn't take it, saying, "No. I don't want it. You
know, it doesn't have my name on it. It's not useless;
I'm sure you can always give it to someone else," she
said nonchalantly.
Ryan bit his lip, trying not to cry in front of
everyone. He shook his head again, slowly. "No, Jen!
Don't say that. I could never give it to anyone else.
This is your ring. Take it."
"No," she said coolly.
He stared at her.
"I don't want it. It's a lie," she told him.
His eyes widened, and he shook his head furiously. Matt
saw a tear run down one cheek. "It's not..." Ryan
whispered.
She nodded. "Yes it is. It is! You said you'd always be
here for me. And you weren't! When I needed you *most*
you weren't there!" she accused him, her voice wavering.
Matt wondered if she was about to cry. "When I needed
you you spat on me! On our whole fucking relationship!
You told me to fuck off. You can have your stupid
fucking ring."
"I'm sorry!" he said again. "I take it back, baby, I do!
You and I belong together. I'm so sorry. Don't you love
me anymore? Take the ring; it's yours anyway," he
whispered.
"No."
He swallowed, then grabbed her hand, forcing her to take
the ring. She yelped, trying to twist away.
"This is your ring!" he repeated. "I won't take it back.
Even if you don't take me back," he whispered, in tears.
"I *won't* take it back."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him, backing away from him, holding
the ring in a clenched fist in front of her. "This is my
ring? To do with what I want?" she stumbled. "Fine," she
laughed. She spun on her heal, nearly tripping as she
ran into the hall. He took a step forward to follow her,
but then stopped. They heard the toilet flush, and he
stepped back suddenly.
She came back into the kitchen triumphantly. Everyone
was staring at her, except for Ryan, who was back
leaning against the counter, crying silently.
"That's what I think of the ring," she told him,
although it was unnecessary.
"I love you," he whispered.
She just looked at him. Matt wondered if she would give
in, if she would say she loved him too. Her face was
expressionless.
"Well, I guess you really blew it then, didn't you?" she
told him coldly.
He wiped his eyes, staring at her, and she stared right
back. He walked out of the kitchen, Corey following him.
The door slammed as they left.
Jen stood there, shaking, not looking as confident as
she had a minute ago. There were a lot more people in
the kitchen, who had come to listen when they heard her
yelling.
"Jen!" exclaimed Dana. "Oh my God! I can't believe you
flushed his ring down the toilet!"
"What? Why?" Jen asked, disoriented. "It's over. I don't
care."
"Oh, Jen, I think he's sorry. You guys will get back
together."
"No we won't!"
"Come on," Dana said. "You should forgive him."
"Why? Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?" she
snapped.
"Your side! But come on, he loves you!"
"No, he doesn't love me. He doesn't!" she yelled. "If
he's so great, why don't you go out with him!"
"Oh come off it!"
"Screw you! You're supposed to be on my side.
Everybody's against me," she said, starting to cry.
"We're not against you! Jen, hey come on Jen!" Jen had
fled down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut
behind her.
Dana pounded on the door, concerned Jen was trying to
kill herself. Jen kept telling her to fuck off. Finally,
she came out, crying still.
Dana hugged her, as did a couple other friends of hers,
telling her she should just lay down and try to rest.
Matt stood at the end of the hall as the big group took
her, protesting, into Dana's room. Then they all came
out, turning off the light so Jen could sleep.
Matt was concerned, and part of him wanted to sneak in
there and look at her. Maybe kiss her cheek, and cover
her up with the blanket like Ryan had done that time.
But she'd probably tell him to get out. He wished he was
home, in his own bed.
He resigned himself to watching television. As it got
later, more people left. Dana was drunk, and laying on
the floor talking to some guy. Mike sat in a chair in
the living room, watching TV with him. But some chick
was sitting on Mike's lap, and they were both giggling.
Pretty soon they got up and went down the hall. A few
other people sat in the kitchen, talking and finishing
the rest of the alcohol off. Matt had never felt so
alone.
He wanted to go to bed, but knew he wouldn't be able to
fall asleep. He had figured he'd sleep in Mike's room
like he usually did, but he guessed not. His head still
hurt, but not as much. He was grateful he hadn't drunk
more. Or maybe he should have gotten smashed, so he
could have been passed out by now.
He heard Jen come down the hall. She looked really gone,
her eyes were swollen, and she had dark circles under
them. But she was still beautiful, he thought. She
walked by them, nearly falling down as she opened the
front door.
Dana sat up. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"Home," Jen mumbled. "I'm goin' home."
"No, Jen!" Dana exclaimed, getting to her feet dizzily.
She grabbed her hand, trying to pull her back inside.
"Stay here. You can't leave. You're drunk!"
"No, I can drive," Jen stumbled. "It's not very far."
"No you're drunk!" Jen started to cry again. "It's okay,
I'm drunk too! We're both drunk. We're sisters!"
Jen started to laugh, then cry again. "Well, then I'll
walk home. I need to get home!" she sobbed.
"No, you're staying here!"
"No. You can't stop me from leaving. I gotta go. There's
things I need to do at home."
"No there's not. You stay here."
"No! I'm leaving," she sobbed, heading out into the
black night.
"Wait, Jen! Stay!" yelled Dana after her. "I'll get
someone to drive you home! Just a minute, okay? Come
back here, though."
Matt still sat there, watching quietly. Jen stood in the
doorway, crying. I could drive her home, he thought.
Driving is easy. Unless it's a stick shift. I can
probably drive an automatic.
Dana ran into the kitchen. Everyone there was drunk,
still drinking. Nobody could drive, Matt heard them all
saying it.
The guy on the floor looked at Matt, sitting on the
couch quietly. "Hey, why don't you take her home?" he
slurred. "Are you drunk?"
Matt shook his head.
Dana looked at him. "No, he's a freshman. He can't
drive."
"Well she doesn't live far. He can walk her home. He's
just a freshman, nothing's gonna happen," the guy told
her.
Matt blushed.
"Yeah, Matt," said Dana, looking at him. "Okay. Can you
walk her home? It would be a big favor. Make sure she
gets home safely. Please?"
"Sure," he said, standing up and glancing nervously at
Jen. "No problem."
-= Chapter 32 =-
Matt finally talked to Mike. Mike was being such a prick
to him, acting like he did rape her or something. Matt
got mad. His friend's whole attitude seemed to be that
he wasn't good enough for Jen. Fuck Mike, he thought
angrily.
Matt was still angry otherwise. It had changed him of
course, the whole thing. Maybe it had been a learning
experience. Well, obviously it had been a learning
experience, he thought. He felt liked he'd matured, aged
several years in the period of a few weeks. It gave him
more confidence. But at the same time he had lost faith
in people, in girls especially.
He hadn't ever called her. He hoped it would send the
message that he didn't need her. He resented her in a
way. She was so full of it, he thought. He hurt inside
still, especially when he thought about how she'd told
him they could be friends. They never talked though.
They barely acknowledged each other. She wasn't *mean*
to him, and she said hi when she saw him, but it didn't
seem like she was really making an effort to be his
friend. She probably just said we can be friends to get
me out of her face, he thought bitterly.
She'll be leaving soon, he thought. She was graduating
in a few months. Then maybe she'd move far away to go to
school. He hoped the knowledge that she would be gone
soon would force him to forget about her, but it wasn't
happening.
She was different too, he noticed. She had a different
look about her, no longer sweet looking, laughing and
smiling all the time. There was just a darker look in
her eyes, if you could call it that. Maybe she resented
him, he wondered. He wondered if it hadn't been for him,
maybe she would have gotten back together with Ryan. I
don't care anyway, he told himself.
He always looked forward to practice though. There was
still almost two months left of the season, he reasoned.
That was practically the only time he ever saw her
anyway. They talked some, he admitted. But only about
superficial things. Not like they were friends. I don't
like her anymore anyway, he thought.
He decided he liked Lauren, a girl in his English class.
He sat next to her, and he thought she flirted with him.
Ha, he thought triumphantly one day, when he was walking
out of class with Lauren, laughing about something. Jen
walked by, and looked at them. He ignored her, hoping
she'd think he never cared about her in the first place,
and that maybe he had been using her for sex. He hoped
she was dwelling on it, hurting inside as much as he
did.
His high spirits came crashing down one day during
practice. The whole team was waiting for the coach to
come. Some people were playing Frisbee, others sitting
in small groups on the grass. He noticed a couple of
guys, stoners, he thought. They were just standing
there, looking towards the team. He didn't think much
about them.
But then they walked by, slowly, as though they were
leaving. One guy hung back, stopping to watch the
Frisbee game as though it were interesting. He glanced
over at them, sitting in the bleachers. His friend
continued on, pausing several yards ahead, to wait for
his friend.
Matt noticed a girl, Carrie, poking Jen. Carrie was a
junior, and she and Jen hung out sometimes during
practice. He could hear what they were saying.
"Go see him," Carrie was insisting. "He wants to talk to
you!"
Jen was hesitant. "No, maybe he's not here to see me. He
might be here for something else..."
"Oh, like what? To watch the Frisbee game? Come on, go
see him!"
Jen still hung back. "Well..."
"If you don't I'm going to call him over here and tell
him you want to talk to him. What's his name, Kasey?"
"No, don't! Come on. I'll go over there in a minute. He
could come see me..."
Carrie looked over at the guy, dragging his shoe in the
dirt, standing by himself. He glanced over at them and
looked away. Matt felt sick; they like each other! he
realized. She's gonna go out with him!
"Oh, Jen! He's shy!" said Carrie.
Jen said nothing.
"Oh, Jen! *You're* shy!" Carrie exclaimed. "Are you shy
Jen?"
Jen blushed. "No! It's just that, I don't know."
"See, you went out with that other guy for so long that
you forgot what to do, huh?"
"I don't know..." Jen trailed. "Maybe..."
"Just go talk to him. I can tell he wants to see you. If
you don't I'll call him over here!" she threatened.
"Fine, okay," sighed Jen. She paused, then stood up.
Matt watched as she tried to casually walk over to the
guy. The guy, Kasey? Matt wondered, smiled at her,
reaching out to hold her hand briefly. They stood close
together, talking and smiling at each other. Matt
wondered if they were going to kiss, they were leaning
in so close. He looked away, but couldn't keep his eyes
off her, and them. He felt like a fool, thinking how
stupid he was to think she would be hurting by his
ignoring her. Fool, he thought to himself.
Finally, they parted, him holding her hand again as he
slowly walked away. He didn't turn around to see her,
still standing there. He rejoined his friend and they
left.
Jen watched him walk away, then turned and, blushing
Matt noticed, walked back towards Carrie and the rest of
the group.
"See! What'd he say? Did he ask you out?" Carrie
demanded.
"No!" Jen smiled. "But he did come here to see me..."
"Duh!"
"He didn't have my phone number," Jen continued. "He
lost it. But he knew I went here and did track."
"So, is he gonna call you?"
Jen nodded.
"Are you gonna go out with him?"
She shrugged.
"Jen!" exclaimed Carrie. "He's so cute! He totally likes
you too, I can tell. Why don't you want to go out with
him?"
She shrugged again. "I don't know, I didn't say that. I
don't know..." she repeated.
"What's your problem? Don't you want a boyfriend?"
"I don't know... Like you said, I mean, I just broke up
with someone after three years. I mean, I want a
boyfriend, but I don't know. You think I should go out
with Kasey?" she asked shyly.
"Yes!" Carrie answered firmly.
"Why don't you go out with Matt?" asked Terry suddenly,
who'd been a witness to the whole thing as Matt had.
Both girls turned around, looking at Matt and Terry
sitting behind them.
"What?" Jen asked.
"You should go out with Matt," said Terry. "Why don't
you?"
She looked at him. "Well, me and Matt are just friends.
We already talked about it," she told him.
"Well, you don't act like your friends with him," he
pointed out. "Why don't you ever talk to him?"
Matt muttered his usual "shut up,' which was, like
usual, ignored. But his temper suddenly flashed before
Terry or Jen could say anything else.
"Why don't you FUCK OFF?" he said angrily to Terry, but
while staring Jen right in the eyes.
Her eyes widened, and she stared at him. He realized his
mistake, and turned to Terry.
"Just fuck off," he told him. "Will ya?"
"God, Matt! Sorry!" he answered.
"You'd better be," he told him, still angry. He'd had
enough of his friends' shit.
Jen was still looking him in the eye. She didn't look
mad, but just looked at him. Then she smiled, and turned
away.
***
The next day was an ordinary day, i.e. they didn't talk,
just did their own thing. At the end of practice Matt
was bringing in some stuff into the equipment room with
a few other guys. It was a big heavy mat, for the high
jumpers, and they were laughing and breathing hard as
they finally got it to the door. Laughing, they dropped
the pit onto the ground. Matt halted, seeing Jen in
there with a guy. It was Ryan.
Jen was in tears, practically. They stopped talking,
looking over at the guys staring in at them. Jen's eyes
met Matt's, then Ryan's did. He looked back at Jen. What
could he say? She was still near tears, obviously upset.
Ryan looked either angry or earnest.
He asked the main thing on his mind. "You okay, Jen?"
Ryan gave him a dirty look. "Yeah, she's okay! She's
with me, alright?"
Jen narrowed her eyes at Ryan, who was still glaring at
Matt.
Matt wasn't going to run away. Not this time. "Yeah,
well then why's she upset?" he countered.
He took a step toward Matt, but Jen jerked him back.
"Leave him alone!" she snapped. "He never did anything
to you! He never touched anything of *yours*!" she
seethed.
He stepped closer to her, staring her dead in the eye.
He leaned in. "I made you mine two years ago," he
whispered fiercely, loud enough that Matt could hear.
"You will *always* be mine."
Ryan stepped back, and she stood there, frozen. He
stared at her some more, then turned and walked out,
giving Matt a disgusted look.
Matt wanted to hit him, but he was already walking away.
Instead he looked over at Jen, still standing there,
shaking. He walked toward her, touching her lightly on
her shoulder. "You okay?" he repeated.
She jumped from his touch. "What? Yeah, I'm fine," she
told him, looking around.
"Yeah?" he asked her. "What, is he still trying to get
you to come back to him?" he asked, curious, and wanting
to comfort her, maybe help her.
She nodded tearfully. "I hate him," she whispered. "I
hate him Matt..." The tears began to fall.
He awkwardly put his arm around her, and she went to
him, needing to be held. He put both his arms around
her, hugging her tight. He looked over at the other guys
still staring in. He motioned for them to leave, feeling
like she needed him, and he was being there for her.
Isn't that what she wants? he asked himself. Someone to
be there for her?
"It's okay," he whispered. "Don't cry..."
It was too much like that night, only a few weeks ago.
It seemed an eternity longer than that to him though.
She cried on his shoulder, and he shushed her, telling
her it was alright, just trying to be there for her. But
now there was no "danger" of sex. Or was there? he
wondered. He'd still take her, if that's what she
wanted. Maybe she was now realizing, in his arms, that
he *was* what she needed? he wondered. Maybe she's
thinking she really *does* like me like that, he hoped.
She felt so good in his arms, against his chest, as he
held her tightly. It was so right, *so* right he
thought, as he fought his own tears back.
They stood there for awhile, hugging each other until
her crying stopped. She pulled away, wiping her eyes. He
stared down at her. She smiled awkwardly.
"I'm sorry..." she began. "I'm sorry, I just needed a
hug I guess..."
He shook his head. "No, Jen, you apologize too much. I
understand."
She smiled again weakly. "I'm just- I don't know, it's
so horrible right now. It's like I'm dead, and I just
don't know it..."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he told her.
-= Chapter 33 =-
Matt sat on his parents bed, staring at the phone. He'd
been planning on calling Jen. He kept telling himself he
could call her. Now he was chickening out again. But it
wasn't like she hated him, he told himself. They did
have some sort of relationship. They had slept together,
and still talked to each other.
Okay, now, he thought. He picked up the phone and dialed
her number. He knew it by heart.
She picked up instantly. "Hello?"
"Jen? Hi, it's Matt... You know, from track?"
"Yeah, I know who you are," she sort of laughed. "What's
up?"
"Oh, nothing. What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Talking on the phone actually..."
"Oh yeah?" Did she mean to me? he wondered.
"Yeah. But I'm glad you called," she told him.
"Oh, thanks... Who are you talking to?" he asked,
curious.
"Oh, just this guy..."
His heart sank. "Oh."
"I've been trying to get off with him forever. Can you
hold on?"
"Sure." He heard the click as she went back to the other
line, then a minute later she clicked back. He heard
another click as the other line hung up.
"So, what's up?" she asked him.
"Oh, nothing much..."
"Yeah, same here. I was doing my homework when the guy
called."
"Oh. Do you have to go?" he asked her, disappointed.
"No, I don't have to go."
"Oh, that's good."
"Yeah..."
Silence. He couldn't think of anything to say. His mind
swam. "So who were you talking to before?" He cringed,
now it sounded like he was jealous, or possessive, or
nosy, or...
"Oh, just this guy, Mitch. I don't know him that well.
He's kind of annoying actually."
"Really? Does he go to our school?"
"Nah, he goes to school with Ryan. That's how I met
him."
"Oh, are they friends?" He asked even though he didn't
want to talk about Ryan.
"Kinda. Not really though. I don't know. Anyway since me
and him broke up Mitch thinks he's my fucking best
friend."
Matt was surprised. Jen sounded really annoyed. "Really?
What, does he call you all the time?"
"Yeah. I mean, he's nice and all, but I don't want to go
out with him, you know? And I guess maybe he thinks I
do. I don't know, we talked a bunch, and I told him a
lot of personal stuff. Maybe 'cause I needed someone to
talk to. You ever do that?"
"Yeah," he said, even though he hadn't really.
"Well anyway he calls me too much and he like, gets all
upset if I say I have to go. But oh well. So how are
you?"
"I'm good. The same."
"That's good. God, it seemed like this year just
started, huh? But there's only a couple of months left."
"Yeah, I know. It's gone so fast."
"I can't believe I'm almost graduating. High school will
be over. It's so scary, it hasn't seemed like four years
at all. Maybe one year. It goes too fast."
"Yeah, I know! Where are you gonna go?"
"Oh, I don't know yet. I haven't heard back from all the
schools I've applied to. I don't know..."
"Oh..." He couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I'm glad you called, you know..."
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah! You know, I'm really sorry about what happened. I
wish we could have gotten to know each other in a
different way."
"No, it's not that bad. But I know what you mean."
"Yeah, I just feel really bad. I feel guilty."
"You shouldn't! I'm serious!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But you regret it," he told her suddenly,
admitting it to himself.
"Well, I wouldn't say I regret it regret it... I mean, I
wish it wasn't like that. I was drunk, and on the
rebound, you know? So I wish that could have been
different..."
"Yeah, I know."
"You regret it though?"
"Regret it?" he asked in amazement. "It was the best
fucking night of my life!" he told her, laughing.
"Matt! Really?" she asked, flattered.
"Uh, yeah." He added seriously, "But I guess I do regret
the other stuff that came with it."
"Ryan..."
"Well, yeah. And you," he told her, his heart racing.
"Me? What about me?"
"Well, I mean, I don't know. Now it's awkward I guess.
And it hurts, that you don't like me," he told her
suddenly.
"Matt," she said. "I told you, I'm sorry. I am. I'm so
sorry..."
He didn't say anything, trying not to cry.
"I am. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know," he said. "I know that. Nah, don't worry about
it, really. I'll be okay."
"No, I mean it! I like you Matt, really."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah! It wouldn't have been so nice, it if weren't for
you."
"Huh? What, you liked it?" he asked shyly.
She laughed. "Yeah, you know I did. You know, you were a
fantastic lover, Matt," she told him seriously.
"Really?" he asked, delighted. "You thought so?"
"Yeah, not that I've had so many or anything. But that's
not what I meant I guess. I mean, because you cared
about me I guess."
"I did... I do!"
"Yeah, I mean, that's why it was so nice. If you hadn't
wanted more, it would have hurt me a lot. 'Cause I don't
go around having sex with every guy, you know? But
that's why I feel bad, because I can't give you more.
But I needed you to want more, for me. Isn't that
selfish?"
He was quiet, thinking. "I don't know, maybe."
"Well I'm sorry. I hope you don't like, resent me or
anything one day."
"Oh, I won't! I could never resent you, Jen."
"Really? Thanks."
"No problem," he told her.
He talked to her for awhile longer, half an hour maybe.
Not about anything too serious. When they finally hung
up he was so happy, relieved. He could safely say he was
friends with her. He wanted to be there for her, like
she needed.
***
Matt thought it was funny, how his moods were always
changing. One minute he was so happy, then the next he
was miserable. Like he went to bed so thrilled that
night after he had talked to Jen on the phone, but the
next night he was sad. He had tried to talk to her that
day but she was different.
She's embarrassed to be seen with me, he thought
painfully. That must be it. He had sat with her as she
and Carrie talked about Kasey and Mitch, and how Mitch
called her all the time and Kasey never did. She thought
Mitch was weird, and that Ryan had thought he did
steroids. She wasn't really telling Matt any of this
stuff, he was just sitting there, hoping to be a part of
the conversation. But after awhile he felt like he was
eavesdropping, and he got up and walked away without
saying anything. He didn't think she even noticed.
A few days later he was sitting after track, waiting for
his mom to pick him up. His mom insisted on driving him
ever since Ryan had jumped him. There were several other
people there, including Jen. They were hanging around,
watching the baseball game. He went to go get his bag,
which he had left by the track, and when he came back
Jen was sitting where had been. So he sat next to her,
and she continued talking to some other people.
"Oh shit!" she suddenly gasped.
"What?" demanded Carrie.
"Fuck. It's Mitch over there," she told her. "With the
gray sweatshirt. Fuck, he's gonna see me!"
"He's probably here to see you," Carrie told her.
"Didn't you tell him to get lost?"
"Yes! I told him I didn't want to go out with him. He
thinks I'm his girlfriend, I swear! He got kinda mad but
then he was okay."
Mitch was walking towards them. He was strong, Matt
could tell, but not that tall. He was holding something
in his hand. A rose, Matt noticed. Jen did too.
She stood up when he came up to them.
"Hi," he smiled at her.
"Hi Mitch," she said. "Um, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, thanks," he teased. "Here, this is for you..." He
held out the rose.
She didn't take it. "What's that for?" she asked him.
"For you! I'm sorry we fought."
"We didn't fight," she told him.
"Yeah we did!"
"About what?"
"You know!"
"Mitch," she sighed. "I told you, I can't see you..."
He looked mad. "What? Not even like this, see me?"
"I told you, I'm not your girlfriend!"
He paused. "Yeah, and?"
"Well you shouldn't have brought me a flower. I'm sorry,
but..."
"Oh, what?"
"I told you, we're not going out. I'm sorry if you think
that, but we're not. Anyway I can't deal with a
relation..."
He interrupted her. "Man, Jen. Ryan really fucked you
up, didn't he?" he demanded rudely.
Her jaw dropped. Then she narrowed her eyes at him. "Go
to hell, Mitch," she told him coldly.
Jen started to turn around, away from him, when his arm
flew out. His fist struck her in the mouth, hard. She
cried out, the blow nearly knocking her over as she was
spun around. She pressed her hand to her mouth.
By that time Matt had already jumped up and hit Mitch in
the face as hard as he could. Mitch was startled, almost
as startled as Matt was. But he butted into Matt,
knocking him back against the wall.
Jen cried out, and one of the coaches, who had come
running when he saw her get hit, jumped on them. He
pulled them apart, and Mitch fought him off. Matt still
tried to hit him, but soon there were too many adults
separating them. A huge crowd had gathered.
It had happened so fast. Someone got Jen some ice, and a
campus aide called the police. Matt tried to talk to
Jen, but she just shook her head, in shock. Mitch was
desperately trying to apologize to her before they moved
him into one of the athletic offices. She wouldn't talk
to him, she wouldn't even look at him. She didn't cry,
just sat there clutching the ice pack to her mouth.
Brian, Ryan's friend, and Jen's, finally got her to
talk. He had his arm around her, comforting her. Soon
she began to look really mad.
"I'm gonna kick his ass," Brian told her.
"No!" she sighed. "Brian, he's not even worth it. Don't
worry about it."
"No way. No real man hits a woman, ever. The guy's
dead."
"I told you, don't bother yourself over him. I hate him,
I'm sure he'll leave me alone after this, so don't worry
about it. Maybe they'll make him get counseling or
something."
"Ryan's gonna kill him," he told her quietly.
She looked over at him. "Brian, no! Okay?"
"Jen, he's gonna find out about it. There's too many
people here for the game. I bet he probably already
knows!"
"No, I don't want to deal with this fucking shit. Ryan
has no business with this. This is none of his business.
Tell him that, okay?"
"Jen!" exclaimed Ryan. "Ryan's gonna freak! He still
loves you, more than anything. There's no way he'd ever
let someone hurt you and not do anything about it!"
"I don't care! I don't want either of them in my life,
got it? Besides, this is nothing compared to how much
Ryan hurt me. "
"But still. Aright, I'll tell him you want him to stay
out of this, okay? But if he kills Mitch it's not my
fault."
"I know," she sighed.
Two officers came to talk to Jen, filing the report. She
didn't want to press charges, but Carrie and Brian
insisted that she did. Matt's mom showed up then,
surprised to see cops next to her son.
Matt was thankful his mom didn't freak too much.
"My lip's gonna get huge," she complained, to nobody in
particular.
"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it," Matt told her.
"Well it's not like I have anyone to look pretty for
anyway," she muttered.
Matt didn't say anything.
His mom was talking to one of the cops. She motioned for
him, that it was time to leave. He stood up, slowly
putting his backpack on.
"Matt?" Jen asked.
He looked at her. She gave him a small smile, then
pulled him to her, giving him a hug.
"Thanks..." she whispered.
"No problem," he smiled at her.
She gave him another tiny smile, then turned and said
something to someone else.
He didn't talk much in the car, and his mom was quiet
too. They talked about what he wanted for dinner, but
not Jen or his actions.
His mom told his dad the whole story of course, while he
took a shower.
His dad gave him a hug later. "You shouldn't fight
Matt," he told him. "But I'm proud of you. I would have
done the same thing in your place."
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah. And if this girl doesn't like you, then she's the
one who's missing out."
Matt shrugged. His dad gave him another hug.
-= Chapter 34 =-
Ryan thought about his options. He was furious, first of
all. But he was slowly and painfully beginning to accept
that Jen wasn't coming back to him. Part of him couldn't
acknowledge that, and that's the part that wanted to
kill Mitch. He'd fucking hit her! He couldn't believe
it. The other half was telling him she wanted him out of
her life.
She had been right, he hadn't realized the extent of
what he had done. That was why he just assumed she would
forgive him. He replayed it over and over in his mind,
trying to black out his words and replace them with the
right ones. But he couldn't, he couldn't ever take them
back.
What Jen had said at Dana's party was just now sinking
in, and Mitch hitting her made him realize for the first
time the extent of what he had done. It made him feel
worse, and hate himself more. He wondered if she still
would rather go out with Mitch than Ryan. After all,
she'd said that if he had hit her, it would have hurt
her less. What could he do? She hates me, he thought. I
did blow it.
Maybe he could at least call her? Not like he was trying
to get back with her. Just to say he'd heard what had
happened, and he felt bad for her and he hoped she felt
better. Like he would for any girl he knew. Would she
hang up on me? he wondered. He knew she might.
He was planning on doing it, but he was too nervous.
It's too soon, he thought. I'll do it tomorrow.
He was horrified when he first found out that she'd
slept with the freshman. He'd cried for hours. Then he
was angry, and he took it out physically on Matt. He
hated him, of course, besides. But he knew he didn't
rape her, even if he had to tell himself he did so he
could hit him harder.
He knew it was Jen's way of hurting him, even if she
didn't realize that herself. It had worked, nothing
could have been worse than her sleeping with another
guy, not after what they'd been through. He hadn't ever
imagined they could break up. He loved her more than
anything, more every day, even though she hated him.
His family tried to cheer him up. But they were mad at
him too, especially his dad, even though they tried not
to show it. His brothers didn't know why she'd left him,
but his parents did. Josh had told his dad, big mouth.
His dad was furious at Ryan, for his disgusting
behavior. It just made Ryan feel worse, and his dad
didn't say much to him. He only asked him if he would
ever treat a girl that way again. Ryan said never. His
dad said he'd figured he learned his lesson.
Maybe he should just call her anyway. He stared at the
phone, remembering when he could count on talking to her
every night. If he hadn't called her by nine, she would
always call him. I took her for granted, he thought.
But he called her anyway. He hadn't ever taken her
number off speed-dial on his phone. His heart pounded in
his ears as it rang.
"Hello?"
"Uh, hi..."
She paused. "Hi."
"Um, it's Ryan..."
"I know who it is."
"Oh, well, how are you?"
"Fine," she told him.
"That's good. I-I heard about what happened, with that
Mitch guy. I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Well, don't worry about it."
"I-I wasn't! I mean, I just wanted to see if you were
okay..."
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Gonna have a fat lip, but that's
about it."
"Well, it could have been worse."
"Yeah, you're right. He could have gone out with me for
three years then told me to fuck off," she said
sarcastically.
He couldn't think of anything to say. He was about to
say that he never said that, but he knew he had, without
words. She was still so angry at him. "I'm sorry," he
said, even though he knew it wouldn't help.
"Yeah, so am I." The way she said it he knew she was
sorry he'd done it, not sorry she hadn't forgiven him.
Or maybe sorry she'd ever met him.
"Well, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Yeah, I am."
"Maybe I'll see you later?"
"Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. We can't be friends, we
can't! Don't you know that?"
"Well, yeah, but I don't know... maybe."
"No. There's just no way. It's just impossible."
He paused. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Yeah... You have some stuff over here by the way."
"Oh yeah?" he asked, sadly. He knew he did, he'd
practically lived at her house. Getting his stuff seemed
so final.
"Yeah. Some notebooks. And your black baseball hat, and
some other clothes. I don't care when you pick them up,"
she said coldly.
"Oh. Okay, I-I'll get them sometime soon. I promise."
She didn't say anything. His last two words hung in the
silence, "I promise."
He tried not to cry. "Bye," he muttered.
She hung up.
He slowly hung up himself. He lay back down on his bed,
staring at his books. He opened them, feeling numb, but
he couldn't study. What was he going to do now? He had
friends, but he'd just lost the best one he'd ever had.
It was like a part of him had been ripped out. He felt
hollow inside.
He reflected some more, something he'd been doing all
the time lately. He tried to push the memories out of
his mind, but he couldn't.
A knock came on his door.
"Come in," he sighed, picking up his book again.
Will came in. "Hi," he said glumly. "What are you
doing?"
"Nothing. Just studying."
His brother sat at his desk. "I need some advice about
girls," he said.
Ryan didn't say anything. His brothers came to him all
the time for advice, but they had pretty much left him
alone since Jen had left him.
"Well since- are you busy?"
"No. I'm probably not the best guy to ask though," he
sighed. "What's the matter?"
"Well, you know Andie? Well I don't think she likes me
anymore. I mean this other guy, Travis, likes her too.
And she talks to him in class all the time and they
passed a note today. What should I do? I love her a
lot."
"Will, you don't know anything about love," Ryan said
disgustedly. "You're only ten!"
"Yes I do!" His face crumpled. Ryan felt bad. Will was
as much of a mama's boy as Ryan had been, "wearing his
heart on his sleeve," as their dad said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just, I don't
know. Well, who does she like?"
He shrugged. "I don't know! Alex told her I still liked
her but she said she didn't know who she liked. It's not
fair. How can I get her to still go with me?"
Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "You can't. I mean you
just have to make it so she *wants* to go out with you."
"How do I do that?"
"Treat her nice. And just hope that she doesn't like
anyone else better."
Will paused. "Did Jen like someone else better?" he
asked quietly.
Ryan looked at him sharply. Will sat there at his desk,
sitting on his hands, looking at him seriously. He
looked just like Ryan, everybody said so. And he acted
like him too. He looked up to him a lot, and emulated
him. Ryan looked down at his hands.
"No," he said.
"Why'd she leave then? Did you treat her bad?"
Ryan paused, then nodded. "Yeah, I treated her bad.
Badly," he corrected.
"What did you do?"
"I don't want to talk about it. I'll tell you one day
maybe..."
"Are you sad?" he asked pensively.
He shrugged sadly, but nodded.
"Maybe she'll come back," Will said brightly. "Maybe if
you say you're sorry?"
"I already did," he sighed. "It's no use. She's not
gonna come back."
Will nodded, thinking.
"See, that's what happens when you're a dick. So be
nice!"
"Oh, I will! I always try to be."
"Good."
Will stood up. "You wanna go play basketball?" he asked,
trying to cheer him up.
Ryan shook his head. "Nah, I can't. I have to study."
Actually he just wanted to feel sorry for himself.
"Okay," said Will. "I'll ask Robby. See you later!" he
said brightly, leaving.
Ryan lay back down, remembering how much Jen loved his
brothers.
He remembered one time a month or so back, Will had
asked a girl, Andie, to the movies, and her parents were
going to drive them. His whole family had teased him
about "the date," and Jen was delighted.
But she took one look at Will in Ryan's bathroom and
refused to let him out of the house like that. He'd
completely saturated his hair with gel and hair spray,
and had "bathed himself in cologne" according to Jen.
"No, no, no," she'd told him. "Get into the shower."
"No!" he'd protested. "Why?"
"Will! No! You canNOT go out looking like that."
"Why not?" he asked, insulted.
"Well, for one thing..." she began, touching his hair.
"Your hair is completely petrified. It probably weighs
eight pounds."
"Well I just wanna look nice," he whined, looking
crushed.
"I know," she told him. "And you do. But you just look
like you're trying too hard..."
"Really?"
"Yeah! You gotta look casual."
"How do I do that?"
"I'll help you," she smiled at him in the mirror. "First
get in the shower and wash your hair two or three times
and scrub all the cologne off. And use conditioner!
Don't worry, you'll be ready in time."
He hesitated. "Okay..."
"Aright. Get in the shower," she told him, and began
rifling through the drawers for hair supplies.
"You have to leave!" Will wailed. "You can't look!"
"Oh, sorry!" she told him, surprised. "But hurry up!"
She left, and Ryan had been shaking his head at her
while Will locked the door behind her.
"I need some good hair stuff," she told him. "We can't
let Will out of the house looking anything less than
stunning."
He kissed her. "Ask my mom. She probably has some
stuff."
She came back with an armful of supplies, a hair dryer,
combs, and bottles of stuff to "stunnify" Will, as Ryan
put it.
He stood in the doorway, amused, and watched her go to
work on Will, who was standing in front of the mirror
clad in only pants.
"See," she told him, "the key is, less is more, got it?"
She combed a tiny amount of mousse into his wet hair. He
frowned at his appearance in the mirror.
"Don't worry!" she told him. "I promise you'll be ready
in time!"
Jen dried his hair with the screeching blow dryer, while
Ryan caught her eye in the mirror, giving her a smile.
Will began to smile at his reflection as his hair dried,
shining in the light.
She combed it, letting it part naturally. "Close your
eyes," she instructed, spraying the tiniest mist of hair
spray on. "There we go," she smiled at him.
"What should I wear?" he asked, starting to leave.
"No, you're not done in here yet," she told him. "Up!"
she instructed.
He giggled as she sprayed deodorant on his naked
armpits. "Are your teeth brushed?" she asked.
"No, not yet."
"Brush your teeth. So, are you gonna kiss her?"
"I don't know!" he responded, looking flustered.
"Will! You gotta kiss her. If you don't she's gonna
think you don't like her!"
"But what if she doesn't want me to kiss her?" he
whined.
"I bet she does. I bet you that every girl in your class
would love for you to kiss them," said Jen, wrapping her
arms around Will as they both looked in the mirror.
"Really? But I've never kissed a girl before... I don't
know how!"
"That's okay. It's easy. Ryan, c'mere." Ryan stood in
front of her, so Will could see. "Show Will how to kiss
a girl," she ordered, smiling at him as they looked into
each other's eyes.
"Okay," he agreed, smiling back. "You should ask her
first if you can, if you don't know," he told Will.
"Then if she says yes," he said, still looking into
Jen's eyes. "Then you look deep into her eyes, and lean
in" he leaned in "and close your eyes" he closed his
eyes "and touch her lips lightly with your lips," he
murmured softly, kissing her gently. He pulled back.
"Then you pull back. And maybe you kiss her again," he
added, leaning in and giving her another kiss. She
smiled at him.
"See! It's easy!" smiled Jen.
Will looked at himself in the mirror as he brushed his
teeth. Jen sprayed a bit of Ryan's cologne on him,
teaching him how to spray it into the air and step into
it.
"Now we gotta get you into some cool clothes. None of
this baggy skater stuff. You wanna make a good
impression on her parents, don't you?" she asked when
he'd protested. He nodded, and she went into his room
across the hall, inspecting his closet and drawers for
the perfect outfit.
"Wear these jeans," Ryan heard her tell him. "No, the
black ones!... Yeah. Will! Why don't you ever wear this
shirt? This is the raddest shirt!" she exclaimed. Ryan
laughed in his room. "Yeah, your black shoes are good.
They're not that scuffed, and plus they match. Okay, I'm
leaving, I'm leaving!"
Jen came back into Ryan's room, jumping on him on the
bed. "I got kicked out again," she smiled. "He has to
change and he doesn't want me to see his sexy body."
He kissed her, deeply. "I like it when you take charge,"
he whispered to her. "How 'bout you fix me up later?"
She kissed him back, murmuring that she would as long as
he didn't make her leave when he got naked.
"I promise," he laughed. They kissed gently.
"Well?" Will demanded in the doorway.
Jen whistled, and he blushed, grinning. "There we go!
You're pretty hot there me boy! If you don't watch out
Ry I just might leave you for Will!" she teased.
"They're gonna be here pretty soon. What should I say to
her?" he asked, looking worried. "When should I kiss
her?" He sat on the bed.
Jen sat up. "Aright. You gotta say she looks pretty,
first of all. And you kiss her in the movie theater,
'cause that's probably the only time her parents won't
be there."
"But remember, ask her first if you can kiss her," Ryan
reminded. "But don't attack her."
He nodded, looking excited and worried.
"Go get her a flower from the backyard," Ryan told him.
"Ask Mom or Dad first. And make sure there's no thorns!"
"And don't get dirty!" Jen reminded as Will ran out.
"Your brother's so cute!" she told him.
He nodded.
"But you're cuter," she whispered, kissing him again.
She lay on him and kissed him until the doorbell rang,
when they jumped up to see Will and his "date."
Will and the girl stood there staring at each other
shyly as her dad talked to his parents. She was very
pretty, a little blond with big brown eyes.
"This is for you, Andie," Will told her, holding out a
freshly cut rose.
"Thank you," she blushed.
"You look pretty..." he said.
"Thank you," she repeated, blushing even more.
Her dad smiled down at Will. "Ready to go?" he asked.
"Thank you John," said Karen to her dad. "We'll see you
later. Have fun guys!"
"We will," Will called back as he walked his date to her
parents van. He looked back over his shoulder, giving
his family the "A-OK" sign, and winked.
They laughed hysterically as the door closed.
Jen and Ryan laughed all the way back to his bedroom.
They locked the door behind them, and wrapped their arms
around each other, kissing passionately.
"Aright, aright," Jen breathed, dragging him into the
bathroom. "Your turn..."
"Yeah?" he grinned at her. "Will you clean me up and
make me pretty?"
"You already are pretty but yeah..." she told him,
running the bath water. She poured bubble bath into the
water. "Get out of those clothes young man! They simply
won't do for tonight!" she teased.
"Buttons are too hard for me," he said sadly. "Will you
help me?"
"Sure," she laughed. She unbuttoned his shirt, pulling
it off and kissing his bare neck. His nipples stiffened
in the draft and from her touch. Her fingers fumbled
between them, unzipping his jeans and pulling them down
past his hips. He kissed her again while she stripped
him of all his clothes.
"Yea!! I get bubbles!" he exclaimed in delight, stepping
into the tub. He sighed in pleasure as he sank down into
the hot water.
Jen kneeled on the side of the tub, sliding her hands
into the water and exploring his body. Her arms in past
her elbows, she rubbed her hands all over him in the
soapy water.
Laughing, she pushed him under the water so his hair got
wet. She rubbed the sweet smelling shampoo into his
hair, creating a lather while he sighed. The hot water
felt so good on his head while she sprayed the shampoo
out with the shower nozzle. She suddenly pulled the
nozzle down and sprayed the hot water over his crotch,
the head of his hard cock sticking out above the surface
of the water. He gasped in surprise and pleasure, then
laughed with her.
"Aright, conditioner..." she told him, massaging the
slimy liquid into his hair. "It needs to sit for a few
minutes," she told him.
"Well, I'm sure there's other things we can do..."
She continued to massage his body, his chest and
shoulders. He rolled around onto his stomach. She rubbed
his back, scrubbing it with the sponge, her hands
kneading into his muscular body. Her hands slipped
lower, and he closed his eyes. He'd gotten over his fear
of being thought of as gay, and just admitted what felt
good felt good, and that felt good.
Her wet finger slipped inside him, leaving no part of
him unclean. He groaned, his eyes still closed, as she
pressed down and rubbed his prostate.
"Fuck," he gasped. Had his dick been touched the
slightest bit he would have cum immediately.
Her finger slowly moved in and out of him, gently, not
going in past the first knuckle. He groaned again, then
turned over again, not wanting to cum yet.
She rubbed the rest of him until her hands were wrinkled
from the water. She washed all the conditioner out of
his hair, and he stood up, his dick standing up with
him.
She wrapped a big towel around him, and he climbed out
of the tub. She dried him off as he shivered from the
cold.
She dried his hair with the towel, kissing him. She
rubbed lotion into his skin, then baby powder. He tried
to take her clothes off but she wouldn't let him. With
the towel wrapped tightly around his waist, she dried
his hair, so soft from the conditioner. Then she sat on
the sink in front of him, and applied his shaving cream.
She gently shaved him with the sharp razor, slowly
dragging it up to strip the white cream away. He gazed
down at her as she tried carefully not to cut his skin.
She wiped off the excess foam with a warm rag, then
patted him dry with aftershave. She smiled as she ran
her hands down his smooth cheek. She rubbed her cheek to
his, kissing his ear and neck. He picked her up off the
sink, her legs wrapped around his hips.
His towel fell to the floor as he brought her to his
bed. He took her clothes off while she lay back. He lay
on top of her, his hardness pressed against her skin. He
kissed her and kissed her, his tongue probing lower and
lower while she gasped. His teeth ever so gently went
around her clit, then he began to suck. She pushed
herself back against him, and he rolled onto his back.
She straddled his face, her head back from the
incredible pleasure. She gasped, then groaned loudly and
cried out as she climaxed. She fell forward, still
sitting on his face while he licked up her juices. His
tongue still flickered against her clit, and she sat
back up, then got up for a second while she turned
around.
He grabbed her hips and pushed her into him, groaning
into her as she took him into her mouth. He kept licking
her, drowning in pleasure as she sucked his dick, her
fist tight around his shaft. His arms wrapped tightly
around her ass as he buried his face into her pink
folds.
She let go of him temporarily, groaning and breathing
and riding his face. Then she swallowed him again,
sucking hard and massaging his balls at the same time.
He knew she wanted him to cum when she did that. She
took one of her fingers into her mouth alongside his
cock, and rubbed it against the tip. He let out a cry,
muffled from underneath her. Then she removed the wet
finger, instead sliding it down his balls and inserting
it into his ass.
He let out a wail, his hips thrusting up as he started
shooting into her mouth. She sucked it out of him,
feeling him pulsate and contract rhythmically around her
finger. She ground herself harder against him,
whimpering as his tongue worked that much harder against
her clit. She kept sucking him while her whole body
shook from her orgasm.
She lay on him, moaning softly and gasping while he kept
licking her. Finally she rolled off him, onto her side.
She turned back around, snuggling up to him while he
kissed her. She smiled at him, with his messed up hair
and glassy eyes.
"I love ya," she told him.
"I love you," he whispered back. "Wanna go take a bath?"
She smiled. "Yeah!"
They went into the bathroom, and he drew another bath.
This time they both climbed into the soapy water. He lay
against the side of the tub, and she leaned back on him.
He closed his eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of her
hair, which she had piled on top of her head. One finger
traced her hard nipple slowly.
"This is the best..." she breathed.
"Hmm-mmm..." he agreed, his eyes still closed.
"I mean, it's hard to think of anything being better.
Just being here with you is the best, just relaxing, you
know? It's so great."
"Yeah," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her
tightly.
"Your parents know when to leave us alone," she laughed,
twisting around onto her stomach.
"Good!" he smiled down at her.
She kissed his hard stomach in front of her. She rested
her cheek against his chest. They lay there together for
a long while.
He rubbed her back with the sponge, then sunk down lower
into the water as he hardened again. He closed his eyes
again, giving a little grunt of pleasure as she impaled
herself on him. Slowly she moved above him, and he
gripped the side of the tub. She lay down on him,
moaning softly.
Her hands slipped underneath his back in the tub. She
hugged him tight, her cheek on his wet chest as she
continued moving over him. He slid in and out of her and
gasped, his head going back to rest against the cold
porcelain. "Fuck," he gasped, as his cream spurted out
into her.
She lay on him, breathing hard. She kissed him again,
and they lay in the tub together until the water started
to get cold. Then they climbed out, tired.
They lay on the bed, and he massaged her back and rubbed
lotion into her skin for awhile, until Will came home.
When they heard the car they pulled their clothes on,
smiling at each other.
"Think Will got laid?" joked Ryan.
"I bet he did," she laughed. "Your brother's a mack."
They went out, where Jen pounced on Will, hugging him
while he blushed. Karen and JR laughed, but Will refused
any questions.
"He doesn't kiss and tell," teased Robby.
"Shut up," he blushed.
They dragged him into Ryan's room.
"Come on Will," begged Jen. "We demand details!"
"Did you kiss her?" asked Robby.
Will nodded coolly. "Yup. I kissed her a whole bunch!"
"Did you get "cancer" for her?" Robby teased.
"Shut up," he muttered.
"So, is it true love? Marriage? Three kids and a dog?"
asked Jen.
"She's my woman," Will smiled.
All four of them laughed so hard they nearly fell off
the bed.
Ryan smiled now at the memory. But only briefly.
-= Chapter 35 =-
Ryan went out the next week with his friends. They ended
up at Melissa's house. Ryan wondered if Jen would show
up. He knew they would run into each other sometime, it
couldn't be avoided; they hung out with the same group.
"Jen's coming over," Melissa told him.
"Oh yeah?" he answered, trying to sound like he didn't
care. But his heart was racing.
They all sat around, watching TV. When Jen walked in the
door she barely looked at him, only glanced at him like
she did everyone else. She sat on the floor next to
Melissa, smiling and talking to her and in general
acting like she didn't give a fuck who the hell Ryan
Harper was. Ryan sat on the couch, trying not to look at
her, but he couldn't help it. He stared at her back and
hair while she faced the TV.
There was some special on MTV. Ryan wasn't really paying
attention except to know that it was about sex or
something. Everyone laughed when it was said that guys
were like "dogs," when it came to sex.
A girl he didn't know laughed and said, "That is so
true!" when the person who was talking continued to say
that girls don't understand that about guys, and that
they "think they're going to marry the first guy they
get with."
Jen laughed too, and said, "I know!" to the girl.
"Girls think, 'We're gonna get *married*,'" she squealed
in a high voice. "And the guys are like, 'Next!'"
Jen laughed again. "But then the girls snap out of it
and then they're like, 'Next!"
The other girl laughed. "God," she said seriously. "I
totally regret it, the guy I first did it with."
Oh shit, thought Ryan. Don't say it Jen, oh please don't
say...
"Me too!" agreed Jen emphatically. "I know exactly what
you mean. God, I wish I'd never even *met* the guy."
Ryan looked down at his hands. He felt several pairs of
eyes boring into him, none of which belonged to Jen, or
the other girl, who didn't know about Jen and Ryan.
"Oh yeah?" the girl asked. "Wow I like your shirt," she
told her as Jen peeled off her sweatshirt.
"Thanks."
Melissa jumped up to get the phone, while Ryan sat
frozen, still staring at his hands. She came back in and
told Jen it was for her. Jen leapt up and went into the
bedroom to get it, and Ryan felt sick as people around
the room looked at each other and raised their eyebrows
about Jen and Ryan. His vision became blurry as his eyes
filled with tears. He couldn't stand their staring and
got up slowly, going down the hall and laying down on
the bed in the dark guest bedroom.
Corey followed him. "Come on Ryan. You know she's just
trying to hurt you on purpose," he told him.
"Yeah, I know..."
"Then what's the matter?"
"Maybe she's doing a good fucking job!" he snapped.
"Come on. Don't think she's forgotten about you because
I know she hasn't. If she didn't care she wouldn't go
out of her way to try to hurt you."
Ryan didn't say anything.
"Come on, don't be in here by yourself. Come back out!"
Ryan sighed. "Fine..."
When they walked back in Jen was leaving, standing up
with her purse on. She looked over at them, her eyes
meeting with Ryan's only briefly before she looked away.
She walked out to a chorus of "bye's!" with Brian trying
to trip her as she walked out. Ryan felt jealous of
their camaraderie.
He sat back down, giving Corey a look.
"Where'd Jen go?" Corey asked.
"Oh, over to what's his name's..." said Melissa.
Ryan felt like someone had hit in the chest with a
sledgehammer. Some other guy. She *is* over me, he
thought. She's going out to get fucked, he thought
painfully. *Next*.
"Who?" Corey asked.
"What his name, *Kasey*!" imitated Melissa.
Ryan sat on the couch, staring at nothing.
"Who the fuck's Kasey?" demanded Corey.
"Oh, some guy... I don't know, he's a total stoner. I
guess she likes him though. I don't know why. Well, I
guess he is pretty cute."
"So, Jen's already out fucking someone is she," said
Corey.
Shut up, thought Ryan.
Melissa gave him a dirty look. "I didn't say that," she
told him.
"Oh. So she ever talk about Ryan?" he asked seriously.
Melissa looked at Ryan. "Um, I don't know... No. Well,
not to say anything nice she doesn't."
Ryan stood up. "Uh, I'm gonna head back now. I'm tired.
You comin'?" he asked Corey,
"Yeah, aright."
"If you want my honest opinion I don't think she really
gives a fuck about Kasey, Ry," said Melissa.
He gave her his fakest smile.
-= Chapter 36 =-
Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had
called her, and feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan
again. She was happier that he had called; she'd given
him Melissa's number but hadn't really expected him to.
He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he
told her. He had lost the directions. Jen wondered if
she would have slept with Kasey instead of Matt if he
had showed up. Well, she was sure she wouldn't have
slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still.
Why had she slept with Matt? She remembered some
sentimental feelings that he had a crush on her, but now
what she had been thinking was growing even fuzzier and
fuzzier by the day of course, not that it had ever been
clear. It would have been so much different if it had
been Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was relieved
he hadn't gone to the party, though she kept telling
herself she wished he had. Because if it had been Kasey
instead, she wouldn't have been in charge, and maybe
that was what she wanted. She just wanted to take him,
like he was the girl and she was the guy. It had been
wonderful though, physically, and the fact that it
wasn't Ryan added a whole new dimension. A whole new
world opened up to her.
She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't
exactly; it had hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted.
But it wasn't like she had used him like that. Plus, she
knew, he had gotten what he wanted. Maybe they had used
each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just
because we did it didn't mean I used him. It just
happened, she thought, we both got pleasure out of it,
and that's that.
She pushed away any guilt feelings, telling herself that
people had casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't
she? Why should she have to deal with love all the time?
Sex was a natural thing, and humans were animals, and
animals did each other all the time without dealing with
*love*.
She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She
felt so free; now that she was "single" she felt like
she had been released from something, something which
she kept telling herself was false and detrimental.
He was *different* from Ryan, that's for certain. And he
liked her too. She hadn't ever pictured herself going
out with someone like him. He was popular at his school,
she knew, but he wasn't into sports nor really ambitious
and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even made an
attempt to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told
him what had happened. At first she was sort of annoyed
that he didn't seem to care, but then she was happy
about it. After all, did she want a guy who was so hot-
tempered he flew off the handle at every little thing?
Of course not.
His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she
didn't fit in and they knew she didn't. He had said he
was going to a show that weekend, and she wondered if
she was invited. She'd have to get something to wear of
course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city.
She mentioned it when she showed up at his house. There
were a few other people there, and he just shrugged,
saying who knew what they would do. His friends looked
over at her, and she felt stupid, like it was obvious
they never planned things in advance. She thought about
it, and decided that was the right attitude. After all,
spontaneity was fun, planning was anal. Relax, Jen, she
told herself.
They passed around a joint, and she did relax.
-= Chapter 37 =-
Matt hardly ever saw Jen at school anymore, and he
guessed she'd quit track. She'd done something to her
hair, he noticed when he did see her, she'd braided it
in all these little tiny braids. He thought it was cool,
but he liked it better before. People talked about her
hair and how cool it was, but soon it got to the point
where the more Matt saw her the more he hated it that
way.
During biology he asked Mike what was up with Jen, if he
knew. He just shrugged, saying she had some new stoner
boyfriend, Kasey, and that she had this major attitude
now. That's all he said; he and Mike hadn't been friends
much since he had slept with her. Matt wondered why, and
he figured that Mike had his loyalties to Jen and her
crowd, thinking he was one of them. If Dana and her
friends didn't like him, then he couldn't like him
either. It really pissed him off.
Jen must not ever go to class, he thought. Her name was
written on the board in his math class with the people
who needed to make up tests. She had three check marks
next to her name. That meant she'd missed four tests! He
wondered what she was doing. He wondered if she was
still going to graduate. Not if she keeps this up, he
thought. That oughtta wake her up.
His imagination began going, and he pictured Jen in a
rehab center in a few years, her life in shambles. He
wondered about that Kasey guy. He was willing to bet he
gave her drugs all the time. He knew she probably had
sex with him. She had started dressing differently too;
Matt wondered if they were his clothes. She always wore
these really baggy clothes, like corduroy pants and t-
shirts over long-sleeved shirts. She thinks she's such a
hippie, thought Matt disgustedly.
But he was genuinely worried about her, more as time
wore on and she stayed like that. He wanted to call her
and ask her what was going on, but when he did she was
never home. He couldn't bring himself to leave a
message.
One day during lunch time she was there, standing with
her loser friends, Matt thought. His friends pointed her
out to him, saying that she was really fucked up now and
it was all his fault.
"Shut up," he said to their teasing. He hoped that
wasn't the case.
"Go talk to her," said Erik. "I thought you were friends
with her. You said you were."
"I am. I will!" he replied testily. What the hell, he
thought, going up to her and standing next to her.
"Uh, hi."
"Hi," she responded. Her friends ignored him.
"So what's up?"
"Nothing," she responded, not looking at him.
"Well... Um, I was just wondering, if you're okay."
"What?"
"Well, I mean, why you're acting all different."
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she
said, annoyed, not looking at him while she listened to
what her friends were saying.
"Oh, I mean, I don't know," he mumbled. "Sorry."
"You're right. You don't know."
Right then Erik came up next to them.
"Nice hair," he cracked to Jen.
"Fuck off," she told him.
"What?!? I meant it, nice hair!" he replied innocently.
She ignored him.
Matt tried to think of something he could say. "Um, so,
are you still gonna go to college?" he asked.
"What?" she asked coldly.
"Um, you know, you should really like, work harder or
something..." Oh! No, that's not what he meant to say!
No, he just meant..."
"Fuck you go to hell," she told him in monotone, as she
and her friends walked away, leaving him and Erik by
themselves.
"O-kay..." said Erik.
Fuck. FUCK! his mind screamed. Now she hates me. She
fucking hates me! he thought. Dammit.
***
Ryan never got up the energy to beat up Mitch. He knew
it wouldn't make a difference to Jen. Mitch was afraid
of him, and quit baseball to avoid him, he heard. But
Ryan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about hardly
anything anymore.
His parents were there, to make sure he did his
homework. He went out sometimes, but only at his
friends' urging. He wondered if he was clinically
depressed. Or maybe he was having a nervous breakdown.
All he knew was his life sucked big time.
Jen was getting on with her life--why couldn't he? He
didn't want to, that's why not. His friends were making
plans for Prom, but he couldn't ask anyone else. No way.
His friends understood he guessed, but they still tried
to talk him into going. He couldn't really tell them how
miserable he was. They might understand, but they just
didn't talk about things that way. Not like he could
with Jen. He could always tell her anything and she
wouldn't laugh at him, or tell anyone.
Now the only person who he could really talk to hated
his guts.
-= Chapter 38 =-
Matt lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, which he
did half the time. He'd just talked to that girl,
Lauren, for over an hour. She was pretty cool, and cute
too he supposed. His friends thought she was cute, and
were impressed that she seemed to like Matt. They asked
if he was "gonna try to get in her pants." He'd just
shrugged, but now he was thinking about it.
It's not like he should be keeping himself available for
Jen. Jen was fucked up. Everyone said so. Well, he had
to admit he was still in love with her. But Lauren,
Lauren was pretty cool.
He thought about asking her out. But he didn't have a
license, and he didn't want to deal with parents driving
them if they went anywhere. That was babyish. He closed
his eyes, wishing he had a girl with him. He was sick of
being his own damn girlfriend.
Yeah, he was gonna ask Lauren out, he decided.
He was extra nice to her the next day in class. She
smiled all the time while he talked to her. He was
pretty sure she liked him, and one of her friends asked
him if he liked her. He said he didn't know, and asked
why. The friend said she was just wondering. Matt
changed his mind, and said that he thought he liked her.
And she called him again that night. He asked her
straight up if she liked him. She giggled, and wouldn't
tell him. She said she'd tell him in five minutes.
So five minutes later he made her tell him. She said she
did like him. Duh, thought Matt.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked her.
"Well, yeah! Sure!" she replied.
"Cool. Because I really like you," he told her. "A lot.
I've liked you since the beginning of the year."
"Really? Why didn't you ever say anything Matt?"
"Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I was shy?"
"Aww... Wow! Well, thanks! I've liked you a long time
too, Matt. Since the beginning of last year."
"Cool. Wow, this is cool."
"Yeah..."
They talked awhile longer. Matt felt good, even though
he felt a bit guilty for lying to her. He didn't know
why he'd said he'd liked her that long. He supposed it
didn't matter now.
-= Chapter 39 =-
How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't
remember. But was she really going out with him? She
knew she'd look like a fool if she asked. She hadn't
slept with him, although she almost had. They had made
out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he
didn't seem all that interested in her actually. It hurt
deep down, but she knew that maybe that was just his
way, cool about everything, even love.
Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever
experience love. Maybe what she had experienced with
Ryan hadn't been love either. Really, she thought,
anybody can be with anybody else, it's just nature.
She felt guilty about how behind she was getting in
school. Her parents were on her all the time, and she
constantly told them to fuck off. She just didn't care
about anything anymore, but part of her wanted to scream
for an hour non-stop.
Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing
had always been wrong, they were always being
interrupted. But there was a party that Friday night at
his friend's house. Then he would probably realize how
much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing
her eyes. She tried to imagine sex with him, and planned
on doing it Friday.
***
Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and
they all started to drink as soon as they got to his
friends house. He'd gotten three kegs, plus hard
alcohol. She kept getting separated from him; every time
she turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and
drunker, wondering when he would just relax and they
could go into a bedroom.
Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out
of it. He acted annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He
kept telling her to sit down. She pouted, but he didn't
notice. She felt stupid; pouting was something she would
do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then she
was annoyed at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell
her to sit down when he could get laid instead. She felt
numb as she sat on the couch by herself. She stared at
nothing for a long while.
Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after
several minutes of telling her body to get up but
remaining on the couch. Where was he? She looked for him
everywhere, asking everyone she saw if they had seen
Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but
finally she found his friend Jeremy.
She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to
really do anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded.
"Where's who?" he asked, annoyed.
"Kasey," she whined.
He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my
bedroom."
She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she
said. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who
she is. He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares."
She stared at his chin, eye level with it.
"What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass,
that's what your problem is."
She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home."
"What? I ain't fuckin' taking you home! Forget it."
She still stood there in front of him.
"What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?"
She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest
fool on the planet. "No," she denied.
"Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I
don't think he cares much about Hillary or whatever her
name is, so if he's not too drunk you can be next!"
"Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go
home, but didn't even know where she was, and had no
money for a cab. She sat back on the couch, determined
not to cry as someone gave her another beer.
-= Chapter 40 =-
"What's up?" asked Corey.
"Nuthin'," said Ryan.
"Let's go out. There's a party tonight."
"Oh yeah? Oh. I don't know..."
"Come on! It'll be fun! It'll get your mind off Jen.
It's supposed to be really good."
He sighed. "Aright."
So they went, finally. It took them forever to find out
where it was. But finally they showed up, at half past
eleven. It was huge, and a lot of people he didn't know
were there. But there were some people who he knew. Like
Jen.
But Jen didn't see him. She couldn't, she was passed out
on a couch. She was by herself, cuddled up in the corner
of the couch. Her hair was different, but he recognized
her instantly. She still looked beautiful.
What could he do? He wasn't going to leave just because
she was there. He looked around though, trying to find
out who she was with. He wouldn't recognize Kasey if he
saw him, but he didn't see any stray guys who seemed to
be paying any attention to Jen.
Ryan kept an eye on her for a couple of hours. She
didn't wake up, and nobody went over to see her either.
He wondered if she came by herself. He hadn't seen her
car though, and they walked past a whole slew of cars.
Then he saw a guy sitting down next to her, looking at
her. The guy reached out and touched one of her braids.
Ryan walked over immediately, wanting to see if it was
Kasey or not. He wanted to see what the guy was like.
The guy looked up at Ryan looking at him. He dropped her
braid and inched away from her huddled figure.
"Oh, sorry. Is she with you?" he asked Ryan guiltily.
Ryan shook his head. "No. You don't know who she's
with?"
He shrugged.
Some girl who was sitting in the chair spoke up. "She
was with some guy but he left awhile ago..."
"He left?" Ryan asked her. "Is he coming back?"
"Uh, I don't think so. Why?"
"Well, he left her here... What a nice guy. Something
could happen to her!"
The girl shrugged. "I don't know."
Ryan looked down at Jen, sleeping there. He leaned down
and shook her. "Jen, Jen wake up..."
She opened one eye finally, then closed it, turning away
from him.
"Jen, how are you getting home?"
"This is my home," she mumbled. She passed back out.
"Ryan, what are you doing?" Corey asked, exasperated.
"Dude, whoever she was with just left her here!"
"Don't worry about it Ryan! You can't follow her around
the rest of her life! Just leave her alone!"
"I can't! I'm not following her around! I didn't know
she was gonna be here! Listen, I gotta take her home.
Look at her. She might wake up and try to drive for all
we know. And no one's gonna try to stop her."
Corey sighed. "Whatever. You know you're never gonna get
over her if you keep obsessing about her. Next time we
go somewhere and she's there passed out we're leaving
her there, okay? She's the one who chooses to get fucked
up in the first place. Besides, she's not your
girlfriend anymore."
"Fine," Ryan snapped. hurt by his friends words. "But
tonight I'm gonna make sure she gets home. I'll come
back for you later."
"No. Don't worry about it," he sighed. "I'll get a ride.
But," he told him seriously. "I'm serious, you gotta be
careful. If she wakes up for a second and says she loves
you and you believe it, it's gonna really hurt tomorrow
when she doesn't remember anything about tonight, got
it?"
"Yeah, got it," Ryan said. He carried her carefully out
to his car, putting her in the passenger seat without
her waking up.
He looked over at her from the driver's side. She'd been
there so many times before. But that doesn't matter now,
he thought. She just has to get home safely tonight. He
drove towards her house in silence, keeping the radio
off so as not to wake her up. It was weird turning onto
her street, and getting out of the car to open the gate.
He knew the codes for the security at her house, so he
could get into her room. He wondered what he would do if
she had changed them. Leave her on the doorstep? Nah,
I'd take her to my house before I'd do that. Or Dana's,
he thought.
It felt weird, but he felt important, knowing he had a
reason to be there. He carried her into her room
quietly, secretly hoping she would wake up and be glad
to see him. He laid her down on the bed.
He noticed his notebook on her desk, open. She must have
used his notes to study off of. He tried to feel angry,
but couldn't, giving a smile instead as he thought of
how much she struggled with physics. He needed the book
though. This would save him the pain of getting it from
her in person. A few weeks ago he would have been glad
for an opportunity to go see her, hoping she would
finally break and forgive him. But now he knew it wasn't
going to happen.
He looked back down at her. Should he undress her? He
could. But should he? He stared at her. She would be
pissed if she ever found out, and maybe wonder what else
he had done to her.
So he just took her shoes off, and covered her up with
the blanket. He longed to climb into to bed next to her,
kiss her goodnight, and switch off the lamp like before.
He sank down onto his knees, looking at her sleeping
there. He touched her hair, in braids. It was different,
but he supposed he could get used to it.
"I'm sorry, you know Jen," he whispered. She didn't wake
up. He left.
-= Chapter 41 =-
Lauren was sort of annoying, Matt thought. He couldn't
put it into words what was annoying about her, but it
was just something there. She was just so young seeming.
But she liked him a lot. She even wrote him notes,
ending with "I love you." He wrote back that he loved
her too, even though he felt sick as he wrote it. But he
wasn't going to break up with her. He liked how much she
liked him, and he knew he had the upper hand in the
relationship. He felt proud that he wasn't "whipped."
He wondered how much she would do for him. He decided to
see if she was worth keeping around. He kept telling
himself he didn't love her, and so it would be okay. If
he did and she broke up with him, it would be like Jen
all over again.
So one day he gave her friend a note to give her after
school, telling her to meet him in front of his
classroom. She showed up, giving him a big kiss.
"What's up?" she asked him.
"Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something
after school."
"Don't you have track practice?"
"Nah, I can skip it for once. I'd rather be with you."
"Awwh, really? That's so sweet, Matt," she gushed,
taking his hand. "What do you want to do? We can go to
my house. My mom's probably home though..."
"Well, we can go to my house. It's real close," he said.
"Sure! Okay! I've never been to your house before."
They walked home. He tried to walk quickly. He knew his
parents would still be gone for awhile yet. He needed at
least a few hours.
"This is my house," he told her, walking up the
driveway.
"I like it."
"Thanks."
They went inside. She put her backpack down in the hall.
"Are you hungry?" he asked her.
"No, not really."
He smiled. "Wanna see my room?"
"Sure!"
They went upstairs. He was praying.
She sat on his bed, bouncing and giggling.
Yes, he thought. He jumped next to her, trying to get
himself to laugh alongside her. He leaned in and kissed
her. She responded, kissing him back and putting her
hands on his chest. He leaned on her, and she slid down
on her back, so he lay on top of her.
She slipped her hand into his pants, rubbing his hard
dick. He touched her breasts, rubbing them over her bra
as his hands traveled under her shirt. He kissed her for
awhile, his brain screaming at him. They had made out
before, but he felt different today. His blood surged
through his veins, and his mind swam, knowing what he
needed was at his fingertips, if he could just...
"I really like you, Lauren," he breathed. "I-I feel like
I've known you a long time. Longer than I have."
"Really? Wow, Matt. I feel the same way!"
"Will you let me make love to you?" he whispered,
kissing her ear and her neck softly.
She hesitated, but he could tell she liked the touch of
his tongue. "I don't know."
"Have you done it before?"
She shook her head. "But you have. I know you have, I
heard so."
"Yeah. But I wish I was still a virgin."
"Really?"
"Yeah..." He continued to kiss her for awhile, then
finally said, praying it would go his way, "You don't
have to if you don't want to."
She paused. Then she kissed him back. "Well, I think I
love you Matt," she whispered. "I mean, I *know* I do."
"I love you too..." He kissed her again, then kicked his
shoes off. Standing up, he pulled his shirt off, rubbing
her between her legs while she stared at him. He didn't
care about modesty, he pulled his pants and underwear
off too. His dick stood up straight in front of her.
He lay back down on the bed, leading her hand once again
to his dick. He kept kissing her, removing her shirt and
bra.
"Will you kiss me on my dick?" he whispered.
She hesitated, then leaned in. He closed his eyes, and
sighed as he felt her tongue against his sensitive
member.
"Yeah, that's right," he groaned as she slowly licked
it. "Suck it."
She tried to take it into her mouth, and he winced from
her teeth scraping it. But she moved her mouth around
it, up and down. He moaned.
"Yeah! That's good." He let her work on him for awhile,
then sat up, leaning in to kiss her.
Breathing hard, she lay back, looking at him. He leaned
over, kissing her breasts while he undid her jeans. He
pulled them off, and her underwear. She lay there, her
legs closed tight. Should he go down on her? He thought
he should, but she didn't seem to want him to. He pulled
the covers up over them while he lay on her again.
He slipped his finger into her, thrilled that she was
wet. He kissed her again, eyes closed, as he put his
dick at her hole. He tried to get it in, to ease it in.
He pushed against it. There we go, he thought, as it
slid in the slightest bit.
He still gripped the base, and he opened his eyes to
look at her. She stared at him, her eyes wide. He tried
to push it in more, he kept trying. It was going in,
little by little.
Finally it went in, and she screamed as her body ripped
to allow him entrance. He sighed, thrusting in and out.
She was crying, sobbing that it hurt.
"Don't cry," he told her. "It'll feel better soon..."
She sniffled, and he kissed her. He kept pumping into
her.
"Pull out," she told him. "Don't do it in me!"
He nodded, disappointed though. He hadn't had to worry
about that with Jen.
"Aww yeah!" he groaned. "Yeah! That's good! Shit!" he
gasped.
He kept fucking her, as hard as he could. She was so
tight. He couldn't remember if Jen had been this tight.
Possibly. He hadn't been thinking about it when he was
in her. He'd been thinking about how happy he was.
Hell, I'm happy now, he thought. Fuck!
He pulled out, grabbing her hand and making her pump his
dick. She rubbed him up and down as he groaned, and shot
his cum all over her stomach.
He breathed hard, relaxing on her.
"Wow, that was good Lauren."
"Yeah, it hurt though..." she told him.
"Yeah. It always does the first time for girls, you
know."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Aren't you happy?"
"Yeah, I am. I love you so much Matt," she whispered.
"Yeah. I love you too, Lauren."
-= Chapter 42 =-
Jen was depressed still, hating her life and every
aspect of it. She felt so alone. Dana didn't call her
anymore, well, Jen had been rude to her when she had.
Dana's solution to all Jen's problems was : "Get back
together with Ryan!" Not, thought Jen. I'd rather go out
with fucking Kasey than Ryan.
Kasey was such a prick, she thought. She couldn't
believe what a fool she had been. He had called her, but
she had gathered up her self-esteem and refused to
associate with him anymore. She didn't have anybody in
her life anymore. Well, there was Danny who she still
talked to. At least he cares about me, she thought
painfully. Nobody else does. She felt guilty about what
she had said to Matt that day, and the whole thing with
him. She kept telling herself he didn't care anymore. It
would be conceited to think otherwise, she thought.
She had half a mind to call him, and ask him to come
over. Just to see if he would do it. Should she? She was
so lonely, maybe he would forgive her for being a bitch
and come over. Her parents were gone that night, plus,
she reasoned, it's not like she was going to sleep with
him again. She began to get nervous as she looked up his
number in the book. Then she calmed herself down,
knowing how nice he was.
-= Chapter 43 =-
"Hello?" Matt asked.
"Matt? It's Johanna, Lauren's friend."
"Oh, hi."
"Why are you being such a prick to Lauren?"
"What? I'm not."
"You're suck a jerk, I swear. You take her virginity and
tell her you love her, and then treat her like this! You
never talk to her and you don't call her anymore! Don't
you like her?"
"Um, she's nice."
"You're a jerk, aren't you?"
"No. You can think what you want, I don't care."
"Well don't you care what Lauren thinks?"
"Um, not especially."
"Oh my God! You are such a jerk, Matt!" Johanna hung up
on him.
Oops, Matt thought. He did care what Lauren thought
about him. He did, he just, he didn't know. He guessed
he didn't like her much anymore. Of course, he told
himself, he had been using her all along. He hadn't ever
cared about her.
But he knew he had, though he tried to push that thought
out of his mind. Nobody could tell him what to do, not
Lauren or Johanna. Even his parents were idiots. So
maybe he had used her, so what. People used each other
every day. Jen had used me, he thought bitterly. She
used me to piss Ryan off. They're both bitches, he
thought angrily. Then he began to get sad, knowing he
loved one of those bitches, the one he couldn't have.
The phone rang again.
"Hullo?" he asked.
"Matt?" said a female voice, a voice he knew very well.
"Yeah?" he replied, trying to pretend he didn't know it
was her. Maybe it wasn't, he thought.
"Um, it's Jen. How are you?"
"Um, fine."
"That's good."
"How are you?" he asked back, his heart pounding so
loudly he could barely hear.
"Aright. So, what's up?"
"Nothing."
"Yeah, me neither."
"Really? Nothing exciting for you on a Friday night?"
"Nah, nothing goin' on. You're not doing anything
either?"
His heart raced. Why was she calling him? Did she like
him? "Um, no, nothing."
"Hmm... So, how you been?"
"Fine."
"Yeah... Um, you don't live that far from me, do you
wanna come over?"
Was she kidding? Was this some sort of a joke? He
wondered if maybe she hated him and there were some guys
waiting there to beat him up. "Well, why?" he asked.
She paused. "Oh, I don't know. I'm bored I guess. If you
don't want to I don't care. I'm just bored," she
repeated.
"Well..." he hesitated. "Sure, I mean, I'm really bored
too."
"Well, that's cool. Cool, you know where I live right?"
"Yeah, I know! When?"
"Um, I don't care. Now is fine. Whenever."
"Okay, I'll be over in awhile," he told her casually.
"Aright, I'll see you in a bit."
"Aright. Bye."
"Bye."
He hung up, grinning. He was so happy, she didn't hate
him, and she wanted to hang out with him. That must mean
she liked him, just as a friend at least.
***
"Hey, come in. What's up?" Jen asked him, opening the
door to let him in.
Matt felt weird, so weird to be in her house again, and
to see her so relaxed, barefoot as they went into the
living room.
"I was just watching TV," she told him as she laid down
on the couch.
He nodded, dumbstruck for a minute as he sat next to
her.
"What are you watching?" he asked.
"Jeffersons," she said, smiling at him.
He laughed, relaxing.
"Well, I guess I should apologize," she told him,
putting the TV on mute. "I'm sorry what I said that day.
I didn't mean it."
"Oh." He felt awkward, like he should apologize too. But
he didn't have anything to apologize for. He knew that.
She sat up, scooting in next to him. She looked him in
the eyes. "I mean it. I was a bitch to say that, and I
hope you forgive me."
"I forgive you," he told her, then looked away. He did
forgive her of course. Like he could stay mad at her!
"Yeah?" she said, giving him another smile.
She was so close to him, her face was right there. She
wanted him to kiss him, he thought. She's horny and
that's why she invited me over.
He nodded, saying gruffly, "Yeah..." Then he leaned in
closer to her, and she didn't pull away. His mouth
searched for hers as his eyes closed, and he hungrily
kissed her, his tongue touching hers. Then she pulled
away, and he wanted to die on the spot.
"Matt," she sighed.
He wished he was dead. God, why do I do this shit? he
thought, angry at himself for being such a fool. He was
so angry. "What?" he asked sullenly, not looking at her.
"Matt," she whined, trying to be cute, he thought.
"What?" he snapped, annoyed. "Why the fuck did you
invite me here?"
She looked surprised. "Matt, what? You think that's why
I invited you here? I just wanted to apologize, then
hang out!"
He still didn't look at her. "Yeah," he muttered.
"I mean it! What, oh, that's why you came over, huh?
Just to fuck me? Oh, how nice, thank you," she said
sarcastically, sounding hurt.
"No," he sighed. "That's not why. I-I just thought you
wanted it."
"Why?" she said, annoyed. "Wait, you did think that's
why I invited you here."
He paused. "Well, I wanted to make you happy I guess."
"Oh, don't give me that!" she snapped, angry. "Man,
why'd you have to do that? My life sucks, and I was
lonely, and all you want is to get off again. Well
thanks but no thanks."
He shook his head. "That's not true! No, I mean, forget
it. I just thought that is what you wanted, but it's not
what I wanted."
"Oh, yeah, bullshit," she countered. "That's all you
want, just to get laid. That's the only thing you ever
wanted from me," she accused, knowing that wasn't true
but feeling all the more sorry for herself.
"That is not! That's not true at all!" he cried, hurt
and angry at the same time.
She didn't answer him.
"It's not! I swear it. I didn't even want to do it then,
you know that? I just, I wanted to make you happy. I
wanted to be there for you," he said honestly, though
trying to sound as sensitive as possible.
"Well then you're a real fool if you did it and you
didn't want to!" she told him.
It was like a slap in the face. He had been being
honest, and told her what he had finally figured out
after weeks and weeks of pain. He stood up.
"Fine, I don't care anyway," he told her.
"Oh, you're gonna fucking leave. You've been here ten
minutes and you're gonna leave. Wait, come on, I want
you to stay. Come on, Matt, don't be pissed!"
He ignored her, feeling cold as he continued toward her
front door. He considered yelling something back to her,
about what a bitch she was or whatever to get the last
word, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he
just left.
-= Chapter 44 =-
"Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Ryan.
"God! I'm just trying to help," responded Darius.
"Well you're not helping, okay? You're just fucking
making it worse! I don't want another girlfriend right
now. I don't want another girlfriend!"
"What, are you gonna spend the rest of your life alone
because of Jen? How about when she invites you to her
wedding? Are you gonna bring a date or will you still be
hoping she comes back to you? Wake up, Harper! She's not
gonna come back to you!"
"I don't think she is, aright! But maybe I don't want
another girlfriend right now! And you're bugging me
about this Jody chick. So fucking knock it off, will
ya?"
"God. It's just that Jen's getting on with her life, and
it just bugs me to see you all by yourself and lonely
and shit."
"I'm not by myself and lonely. I've got enough fucking
friends! Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't
fucking make me lonely."
"Aright! I mean, I know it sucks and stuff, but you
should just consider asking someone to Prom just as a
friend. You gotta go, man. It won't be Prom if you're
not there."
"No. I don't want to go. I will not be going so why
don't you just drop it. You've been on my ass since the
minute Jen was out the door," Ryan said angrily. "Don't
you even fucking understand?"
"Sure, I understand. I told you, I know it sucks."
"You know what Darius, I don't think you do understand.
You've never given a shit about anybody. You've never
been in love, you know that? You don't even know what
love is."
"Man, fuck you. Why do ya gotta get so personal?"
"Because we're talking about personal shit here! And you
can't tell me what to do, because we're not in your
territory here. You don't know shit about love or loss
or anything because you've never even loved. And I'm
sick of your shit and you ragging on Jen all the time,
like it's supposed to make me feel better if you call my
ex-girlfriend a slut or something. So why don't you go
out and get some knowledge about the world and a real
fucking relationship and then you can come back and
maybe I'll listen to you."
"Fuck off Harper. You're so fucking sorry you don't even
know how sorry you are. Fuck you!" Darius told him,
hanging up.
"No, fuck you!" Ryan yelled as he hung up the phone.
"Goddamn fucking prick," he muttered.
Will came running in without knocking, Robby chasing
him.
"Ryan!" Will whined. "Robby took the remote control and
he won't let me watch what I was watching first! I was
there first!"
"Yeah, and then you hit me you little baby!" yelled
Robby, pushing him.
Will pushed him back, knocking him against the chair,
which fell over. Ryan's books fell onto the floor, his
binder opening and papers spilling out.
"Look what you fucking did!" he screamed at his
brothers. "Get out of my room!"
"Stupid brat!" Robby yelled at Will, kicking him in the
legs.
"You're the brat!" cried Will.
"You're both brats!" Ryan yelled. "I told you, get the
fuck out of my room!"
"I'm not a brat!" Will cried.
"Yes you are! Now get out! I never said you could come
in here! Get out before I throw you out!"
"I hate you Ryan!" Will yelled at him as he ran out.
"Good! I hate you too!" Ryan yelled back. "Dumb brats!"
he yelled at them as he slammed his door.
God! He picked his books up off the floor and threw them
on his bed. He stared down at his physics notebook, the
one he had gotten from Jen's house after he had taken
her home that time. He looked at it, his heart skipping
a beat as his eyes ran over Jen's handwriting.
"Wyan is da best," it said. "Jen wuvs Wyan." His eyes
filled with tears as he remembered it was old, written
one time when he was over there and they were studying.
He picked up the notebook and threw it against the wall,
papers flying out. It felt good to throw it. But not
good enough.
He picked up his math book, a heavy bound book, and
threw it at the wall as hard as he could. It made a
satisfying thud. He picked up his physics book, and
threw it at the wall. He threw all his books, even his
small paperback English books, against the wall.
He was on such a high, his anger causing his blood to
race through his veins. He felt like driving his car 100
mph, crashing into a brick wall or off a cliff. He
imagined his car exploding as it rolled down the cliff,
a fiery ball.
He jumped on his bed, scattered with papers, and buried
his head in his pillow. He screamed as loud as he could
until he went hoarse.
-= Chapter 45 =-
Danny had his spring break, and he came back down to his
old neighborhood. He of course stopped to see Jen. He
was worried about her anyway, he knew she was upset.
Jen was thrilled. She hadn't seen Danny in awhile, since
the last time he returned to their town. Maybe a year.
But they had kept in touch and had become quite good
friends since his letter. Now she was thinking about him
again. He was still good looking, extremely sexy. She
remembered kissing him during their brief romance.
Before Ryan. She remembered the time he had kissed her
when she had been with Ryan, remembering what his lips
felt like against hers.
She thought about having sex with him. She tried to
picture them in her bed. God she wanted him. God, she
was horny. This was the longest she's gone without sex
since she had first done it. Danny didn't have sex much,
he'd only done it with one girl last year. She got more
and more excited thinking about that night, knowing how
great it was going to be.
When he came over she gave him a huge hug, pulling him
into her house and squeezing him tight. He looked the
same, although he commented on her different appearance.
She shrugged, saying her hair was easier to take care of
like that. He told her she looked nice.
He had brought Chinese food for them, and they sat on
her floor and ate it while watching a movie. Jen was
feeling the intensity, and wondered if he felt it too.
He could try something and she wouldn't turn him down.
She wondered if he knew that. Maybe she should make the
first move.
Why not? she thought. She would wait for a lull in the
movie. She stood up to get something else to drink,
using that as an excuse to sit nearer to him when she
came back. She sat right next to him, closer than she
had been before. Her leg was touching his.
She stared straight ahead at the television, but she
could see him looking at her out of the corner of her
eye in the dark room. She looked over at him, and they
looked at each other. She smiled. He smiled back.
She leaned in and touched his face, still smiling. She
leaned in further, eyes closed, and kissed him on the
lips. He kissed her back, opening his mouth as she moved
even closer to him.
She straddled his lap where he sat, leaning against the
foot of her bed. They continued to kiss. She gasped
slightly from the pressure of his hardness between her
legs. She was so turned on then, he was just so
masculine, so hard.
She stood up slowly, taking his hand to pull him up too.
She lay back on her bed, and he stared down at her. She
pulled off her T-shirt, trying to look as sexy as
possible.
"C'mere," she told him with a smile, patting the bed
next to her.
He inched towards her, then stopped, still looking at
her. Her smile faded. He looked away.
"What's the matter?" she asked him.
He shrugged. "Nothing's the matter. It's just that, I
don't think we should."
Jen lay there, stunned. She hadn't considered he
wouldn't want her. She sat up, not looking at him. "Oh."
"Jen, I mean, I *want* to do it, but, you know."
She didn't answer, pulling her shirt back on. She felt
like such a fool.
"Jen! Come on," he said, sitting on the bed. He hugged
her affectionately.
She tried not to cry, shrinking away from him.
"We would regret it. I don't want to lose your
friendship."
"We wouldn't regret it," she muttered. "We would still
be friends."
"Jen. You know that's not true. I don't even live here.
I have to go back in a few days."
"So?" she said sullenly.
"So?" He paused, looking at her. "Is that what you want?
Sex with someone without a relationship? Doesn't sound
like the Jen I know..."
"Well maybe you don't know me," she told him.
He looked hurt. "Don't be like that! What, you want me
to fuck you now? And then leave?"
She fought back tears. "No, I didn't mean that. Just,
now I feel like an idiot," she muttered.
"Hey, don't feel like an idiot. I mean, believe me, I
*want* to. I really, *really* want to," he laughed.
She gave him a smile.
"So don't feel rejected or whatever. Because trust me,
it's not that at all."
She nodded, her face crumpling as she started to cry.
"Oh, Jen," he said, hugging her tightly. "Don't cry."
"My life sucks," she sobbed into his arm. God, it felt
so good to be held. "It sucks."
"It'll get better. Hey my life sucks too, aright?"
"Not as much as my life sucks," she sobbed.
"You'd be surprised! See, you don't want sex, do you?"
She shook her head. "No... I want love. I want you to
love me. I want everyone to love me," she cried.
"So does everyone. And everyone that knows you loves
you."
She shook her head. "No. Lots of people hate me."
"Nobody hates you. And if they do they're losers. 'Cause
if they know you then they have to love you."
"Ryan hates me," she sobbed.
"I doubt that," he told her.
"And-and Matt, that freshman that I screwed over, he
hates me too! I used him," she sobbed. "I'm such a
bitch. And Ryan beat him up. And I told him I loved him
and I didn't!"
He didn't know what to say. "Well, nobody's perfect
Jen."
"I'm a slut."
"You're not a slut. If you're a slut than I'm a slut
because I would have sex with anything that moves.
Except those who I might lose their friendship," he
added.
She nodded. "I'm the ho of the world."
He laughed at her phrase. "That would look good on a
business card."
She laughed. "I just wanna be happy," she told him,
still crying.
"So do I."
"I wish my life didn't suck."
"So do I!"
They sat there for a long while, talking. He comforted
her and she cried. Finally he had to leave, but they
were much closer than they had been before. They were
much closer than they would have been had they had sex,
and both realized this.
After he left Jen stood in her bathroom looking at her
image in the mirror. She thought about how much she
loved Danny, as a friend. She wondered what would have
happened if they had never broken up. She wondered what
would have happened if she had never met Ryan. She
thought about both of those things.
She stared at her reflection. She picked up a lock of
her hair and slowly unbraided it.
-= Chapter 46 =-
Ryan pulled into his driveway, Robby in the passenger
seat next to him. Neither said anything. He stopped the
car but didn't turn off the ignition. Robby didn't get
out, just sat there.
"Um, I'll be back later," he told him.
Robby looked at him. "Where are you going?"
Ryan shrugged. "I'll be back."
Robby unbuckled his seat belt and slowly got out of the
car. Ryan watched him as he disappeared into the house.
He felt numb as he backed out of the driveway. He felt
helpless, like a child. Hollow, that's how he felt.
***
Jen was tired, but she couldn't go to sleep yet. She
still had four chapters to do for math, plus at least
three hours of work in English. She'd been up late the
night before doing her physics. She hated physics. She
wished she still had Ryan's notes. She'd lost them, she
figured. She had had a dream that Ryan came and took
them away in the middle of the night, but she didn't
think about it much; she only bothered to be annoyed
that she'd lost them.
She'd gotten behind in all her classes, but her teachers
were all sympathetic. She had always been a good
student, and they were going to let her make up her
work. She told herself she could do it, kept prodding
herself along as she wanted to give up. She looked over
at a pile of large envelopes on her desk, ripped from
when they had been opened. Pleased to tell her that she
had been accepted. Accepted. Accepted.
And the reply had been the same from the school where
Ryan was going. Accepted. That had been what she had
wanted. It was a great school, and a huge school. But
she couldn't go there. It was impossible now. But her
second choice was just as good, even more prestigious
actually, though it was smaller. And it was out of
state.
She tried to picture her dorm, her roommate a faceless
figure welcoming her. She thought of the things she
would put on her wall. Pictures of Dana, and her
parents, and Danny, and Melissa. Dana--her best friend.
She knew Dana, she hoped she'd accept her apology, no
problems. The other people she had hurt with her
attitude, Melissa, and her parents, she hoped they would
forgive her as well. She knew Melissa she could just
call one day, it's not like she had ever fought with any
of her friends really; she had just sort of been
ignoring them for Kasey's crowd for awhile. She knew who
her true friends were.
But Matt, she'd hurt Matt. She promised herself she
would talk to him, *really* talk to him, before she
left. She would always feel horrible for the way she had
treated him, and how much she must have hurt him. She
vowed again to apologize to him before she left.
Before she left--she thought about that again. Her mind
wandered back to her new home, and all the people she
would meet. No boyfriend to worry about across the
country, no worrying if he had found someone better. But
another image crept into her mind, a faceless guy, maybe
one who lived across the hall from her. She imagined
watching movies in his room, and studying with him as
they groaned about their professors.
She smiled, starting to get excited. See, she told
herself, aren't you glad you never killed yourself? That
would have been so lame, she thought. My life is just
beginning.
She tried to picture herself married, to yet another
faceless guy. She imagined herself in the grocery store,
maybe running into her old high school boyfriend, Ryan
Harper. They would be cordial, and talk about their jobs
and their spouses. And their kids.
Then she would go home to her family. See, she thought
again, my life is just beginning. She forced herself
back to her work, pushing thoughts she didn't want to
hear out of her head.
Jen took a break from studying to watch The Late Show
and get something to eat. She was sitting on her couch
eating cereal when she saw headlights through the
curtains and heard a motor. Her heart skipped a beat.
She returned her gaze to the television screen. She
wasn't going to go running out the door for him. She
took a few more bites. The doorbell hadn't rung.
Hmm, she thought. The gate was open, maybe it was just
someone turning around in her driveway. She finished her
cereal. She watched TV some more, still wondering about
the headlights and the motor she had heard. She had to
return to her studying anyway.
She got up and peeked through the kitchen window. Sure
enough, it was there, a very familiar blue Bronco. She
squinted, and saw him. He was still sitting in his car,
his head on the steering wheel.
For a second she wondered if he was hurt. Nah he
couldn't be. He was still sitting there. But she didn't
go out to see him. She went back down and sat on the
couch, her mind spinning.
But wait a minute, she thought. This is my house, he's
in my driveway. I have more than a right to see why he
is here and what he wants. It doesn't mean I'm crawling
back to him.
She went back to the window, wondering if maybe he had
driven away without her knowing. No, he was still there.
She opened the front door, shivering from the cold night
air. He didn't look up as she walked around his car to
the driver's side door. He still didn't look up as she
stood there. She rapped on the window and said his name.
He sat up, looking at her slowly. She made a motion for
him to roll down the window. He did, his eyes swollen
and red. She tried to keep her cool.
"What's up?" she asked. It came out gently.
He looked down at his hands on the steering wheel. He
shook his head.
"Why are you here?"
Ryan paused. "I-I can't," he croaked.
"Can't what?" God, it felt weird to talk to him again.
"Say it," he told her, looking at her. "I'm not here to
try to make you come back to me Jen, so you know," he
added.
"Yeah?"
He nodded. He looked up at the roof of his car. "It's
not me. I-it's Will."
"Will?" she asked, startled. "What's the matter with
Will?"
He shook his head, crying again as he put his head back
down on the wheel.
She opened the door. "Come on, get out. Tell me!"
He got out slowly, then stood there not looking at her
as she closed the door.
"What happened to Will?" she demanded. "Is he okay?"
He shrugged, crying too hard to speak.
She was frustrated, but scared. She was scared to death
right then. "Is he okay?" she repeated.
"They don't know!" he blurted out. "He got hit by a car
Jen," he sobbed. "On his skateboard. They don't know if
he's gonna make it."
"Oh my God," she said, as her eyes filled with tears.
Not Will.
He put his face in his hands, sobbing, "You're my best
friend, Jen. I need you, you're my best friend. I don't
care if you hate me but I need you now..."
She could barely see him as she reached for him
awkwardly, taking him in her arms. His strong arms went
around her as they stood in her driveway hugging each
other, crying.
"No, come in," she told him. "I don't care."
He followed her into her house, and they stopped in the
foyer, where she held him again. He was crying so hard
he could barely stand up.
"He's my little brother," he sobbed. "What am I gonna do
if my little brother dies?"
Jen was crying too hard to answer, she just shook her
head, meaning that Will would be all right. They went
into her room where he sat on her bed, his face in his
hands. She sat next to him, hugging him.
"He'll be okay," she whispered. "He's such a strong
kid."
He just kept crying, wiping his eyes.
"He is. He is such a tough kid. He'll make it, he will."
"I love that kid Jen. I love that kid," he cried.
"I know you do. I love him too."
"He can't die," he whispered.
"We just gotta pray, and wish for the best. He's gotta
make it!"
"I told him-I told him I hated him Jen!" he sobbed. "The
other day I called him a brat! I said I hated him!"
"He knows you love him, Ry. He knows you were just mad."
She was still crying herself.
"He-he said, 'I *hate* you Ryan!'" he recalled. "And I
said-I said," he sobbed. "I said, 'Good! I hate you
too!'"
"I told you, he knows you love him, so stop thinking
about that. You know he didn't mean it, and he knows you
didn't mean it. So stop thinking about it, huh? It won't
do any good. Just-just think positive."
"What am I gonna do if he dies though?"
"You can't think that! Stop saying that!" she told him.
"He won't die."
He nodded, wiping his eyes with the Kleenex Jen gave
him. "I promised him I'd take him to the batting cages
for his birthday. I never did," he told her.
"You will. You still will."
He shook his head. "I said I would do it on his
birthday. Just the two of us. And I said I couldn't.
'Cause I was too-'cause I couldn't do it. But I could
have," he whispered. "I just didn't."
"Ryan, look at me. You and your brother, both your
brothers, have a *great* relationship. He knows you love
him. You can't sit here and think of all the times you
teased each other or hit each other or how in 1988 you
ate his piece of cake on purpose or whatever, got it?
Because none of that stuff matters, 'cause you guys have
a great relationship."
He nodded, sighing. "I love him."
"Good. I love him too."
"You-you wouldn't believe. He looked so awful Jen," he
sobbed. "He had this big bandage on his head and he was
connected to this machine and it was so awful. He just
looked so *little*. So little."
She held him to her on the bed. "I know," she told him.
"He's like my little brother, too," she cried. She began
to cry harder than him, and they both lay there holding
each other crying.
They cried for awhile, sometimes saying something about
Will and how strong he was, or how good of a kid he was.
But they cried about other stuff inside, each getting
out a lot of tears that had been held back recently,
despite the copious amounts that had already flowed.
Soon it wasn't about Will anymore as they lay there.
"Oh Jen," he whispered finally. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Please!"
She didn't say anything, just lay there in his arms.
"I never meant it. I can't believe I could ever have
done anything like that to my darling. I am so sorry."
"I slept with him, Ryan. It won't be the same," she
cried. "It's not the same."
"I don't care! I don't care at all about that! It was my
fault, I'm such an asshole. I don't even deserve to be
here with you."
"It's not that. It, no, I don't know..."
"I love you Jennifer Marie Halleran."
She sat up, sniffling. He still lay there, wiping tears
away. She sat on the edge of the bed, silent. She got up
suddenly, walking to her dresser drawer and opening it
slowly. She stood there awhile, and he lacked the energy
to get up or even ask what she was doing.
She walked back to him, staring down at him, her eyes as
red as his. Sitting next to him on the bed she held out
her fist, then slowly opened it. He looked down at her
open palm.
In it lay a diamond ring.
He stared at it, eyes wide, then reached for it, not
believing it was really there. He took it, looking at it
in disbelief.
He looked up. "How? What, did you get the pipes opened
or something?"
She shook her head. "I-I never did it. I never flushed
it. I just pretended I did."
He stared at her.
"I put it in my pocket," she told him.
He kept staring at her. "I'm sorry," he whispered,
crying.
"I couldn't do it," she said, crying again too. "I was
mad, but I couldn't do it still."
He looked down at the ring in his hand. "The past few
weeks have been hell, Jen."
She didn't say anything.
"Jen, please..." he said softly.
She bit her lip, then fell towards him as she sobbed. He
held her to him tightly as they both cried.
"Ryan, I love you," she cried. "I've never loved anybody
else."
"Oh God, baby, I love you. You're my life Jen. I need
you back. Please come back."
She nodded on his shoulder, crying too hard to speak.
-= Chapter 47 =-
Matt's life was just getting worse by the day, he
thought. He wished he had never tried to kiss Jen again.
Why couldn't he just realize that it wasn't going to
happen? It was such a painful thought though, giving up
on her.
Plus he felt horrible about what he had done to Lauren.
One time during the class they had together she ran out
of the room, crying. Her friends all looked at him. What
could he do?
It's not my fault, he had thought. She wanted it too.
But he knew he had taken advantage of her. And it wasn't
him, he didn't want it like that. Maybe that's why he
couldn't face her. It just wasn't his style, as much as
he hated that expression.
His life was just so empty. Jen hated him. Lauren hated
him. His friends were assholes. He wasn't friends at all
with Mike anymore. Mike hung out with a different crowd
now. His other friends were dorks.
He thought about one day when he had seen Jen during
lunch. He hadn't seen her in awhile. She was studying by
herself in the library. She had taken all of her braids
out and was dressed nicer.
She looked up suddenly and caught his eye as he was
staring at her from across the library. She didn't look
away, but he did. Then he walked away.
He wondered what it meant, if anything. He looked at the
phone, thinking about calling her, but quickly ruled
that out. No way. And he didn't have the energy to crank
call her, plus, what if she had gotten her phone tapped
to find out who had done it? That would be so
humiliating.
He thought about his friends. They were so impressed
with the fact that he had "nailed Lauren." They laughed
at her. What jerks. No wonder they never had any damn
sex, he thought.
He wished he had friends like Jen had. Jen had great
friends he knew, or she had before she went wacko. Well,
it wasn't fair for him to say she had gone wacko. After
all, he was totally out of the loop anyway. He wasn't a
part of her life one bit.
He wondered about when he went away to college. The way
it stood now he didn't have any friends that he would
actually want to keep in touch with. He didn't have a
girlfriend either. Probably all the girls hated him,
too. After all, Lauren was really popular, and all her
friends thought he was scum. He wished he could move
away, and start over, but that wasn't likely.
Plus he was bracing himself for when Jen moved away. It
didn't matter how much of a bitch he said she was, he
still loved her. He always would, he knew. He still
thought about her constantly, and still pictured them
together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still
couldn't help it. At least now he had the option of
seeing her around, but when she moved away he wouldn't
*ever* talk to her again. He wondered what it would be
like next year, all the time wondering where she was and
what she was doing. She wouldn't ever be thinking about
Matt, except to remind herself of what a mistake he had
been, he thought, if that. I'm just a mistake, he
thought, his face crumpling as he began to cry. She'll
always be my first and I'll just be a fucking mistake,
he thought.
A knock came on his door. Fuck, he thought, wiping his
eyes on his pillowcase.
"What?" he asked.
His mom came in. "Matt, th- what's the matter?" she
asked, seeing his eyes red.
"Nothing!" he told her.
She paused. "Well, someone's here to see you."
"Who is it?" he asked. Maybe it's Jen!
"It's Lauren."
"Oh." Lauren? he thought disappointedly.
"Yeah, come down and see her."
"No. Tell her to come up here," he told her, nervous
about his parents eavesdropping.
His mom started to protest, but he interrupted, "We're
not gonna do anything, God Mom!"
She sighed, leaving while he hurriedly wiped his eyes
again, praying she couldn't tell he had been crying. He
lay on his bed, trying to look casual.
He heard her coming up the stairs, his heart racing. He
stared down at his book until he heard her knock on his
open door.
He looked up, then sat up. "Hi," he said.
She walked in, looking nervous. She looked around, then
closed his door.
"I just wanted to tell you," she began, "that I think
what you did to me really fucking sucks!"
He sat there, stunned.
"I'm sorry," he told her, honestly.
"No you're not!" she told him, her eyes flashing with
anger. "You're so damn selfish it isn't even funny. I
thought you were cool, but now I see that you're just a
jerk. You wouldn't even return my calls, so I had to
come over here myself to tell you that. That's all I
wanted to say," she broke off, her voice wavering.
"No, wait. Don't leave," he said, jumping up.
"Why?" she demanded, angry. "What? You just wanna fuck
me again?" She started to cry.
"No, Lauren, I'm sorry!" he insisted. "I am, I mean it.
Really."
"Oh, yeah Matt!" she cried. "Matt, wanna make love?" she
said, imitating him sarcastically.
That hurt him. That had been what Jen had said to him.
"No!" he said. "No, I'm serious. I am sorry, really I
am."
She shook her head. "I was so stupid to think you were
cool."
"I'm sorry," he told her simply. "That's all I can say.
I wish you would believe me, 'cause if I had to do it
all over again I never would have done that to you.
Honest, Lauren."
"Oh yeah?" she asked him. "Why? You got a fuck."
"No, I don't care about that. Because, then it was
different, and you were gone..." he told her, just now
realizing that he had missed her.
"Yeah, you were different and *made* me gone!'"
"It was different..." he repeated awkwardly, not having
planned out anything to ever say to her as an
explanation.
"You made it different." She looked at him. "Were you
crying? Why are your eyes all red?" she demanded.
"No, I was sleeping," he lied.
She kept looking at him, knowing he was lying. "Why were
you crying?" she asked him quietly.
He looked away, shrugging. "I dunno. My life sucks I
guess."
"Really?" she asked, sounding touched by his tears. Then
she got angry again. "Oh, like mine doesn't! You're not
really sorry."
"Yes I am!"
"No you're not!" she insisted, bursting into tears
again. She sat down on his bed, sobbing.
Matt didn't know what to do. He looked around his room,
so unused to having a girl in it. He was sorry, but he
knew she probably wouldn't ever believe him. He looked
at her, amazed that someone was this hurt, over *him*.
Looking around his room again, he spotted something on
his dresser and got up, on an impulse. He picked up the
glass long-stemmed rose, which he had gotten from a
glassblower at Disneyland a few years back, out of the
mug he kept it in. He walked back over to her, holding
it out in front of her.
She was still crying, her face in her hands. He felt
like a fool holding it there while she ignored him. He
touched her shoulder, and she looked up slowly, wiping
her eyes.
"What's that?" she asked him, sniffling.
He shrugged, feeling even more like a fool. He had
thought it might make her feel better, like maybe it was
the sort of gesture a girl would appreciate. He didn't
know, he didn't know anything about girls, he thought.
"It's for you," he told her.
She took it, bursting into tears again while she looked
down at it.
"I-I guess I'd get you a real one if I could," he told
her. "I'll get you a real one tomorrow," he added.
She continued crying, her makeup smeared around her
eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.
"Nah, don't say thank you to me. I'm a jerk. I told you
I'm sorry. I mean it, I really do," he said, sitting
next to her.
"Oh, Matt!" she cried.
He took her in his arms, hugging her while she sobbed on
his shoulder. It felt kinda nice, he thought.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't know how to act. W-
will you give me a second chance?" he asked. "I mean,
you don't have to."
She pulled away, wiping her eyes again with her free
hand, the other still holding the glass rose. "I don't
know," she said.
"I am sorry. And I never lied when I said I really liked
you," he told her. He realized how easily she could
remind him of how he had lied when he had said he loved
her, so much worse.
But she didn't. Lauren just looked at him sadly. She
sighed, then gave him a small smile. "My friends are
gonna kill me," she told him. "But, okay..."
He grinned at her, giving her another hug. They laughed
as he was careful of not breaking the flower she held
between them.
"Good, let's start over," he smiled at her. "You know, I
understand if you don't want to be with me again."
She shrugged. "We'll see. But you're right, let's just
start over. I'm a virgin," she laughed.
He hugged her again.
-= Chapter 48 =-
"Jen!" exclaimed Karen. "Hi, how are you?" she asked,
surprised to see her.
Jen smiled, leaning over to give Ryan's mother a hug as
she sat in the chair. "Fine," she told her.
"Wish I could say the same, but..." Karen told her with
a sad smile.
"He'll be okay," Jen said positively.
"We're praying," Karen told her. "Where's Robby?" she
asked Ryan.
"He's at home. He'll be okay," he answered. "Where's
Dad?"
"He's getting coffee for us."
"Oh." Ryan sat down in the chair in the waiting room.
Jen sat next to him, tired, but deep down feeling a rush
of adrenaline that she was with him again. She looked
around the room, hating the sight of the shiny linoleum
floors and the feel of the chair beneath her.
"Ryan, I wished you would have stayed with Robby," his
mother told him. "I don't like the thought of him home
alone right now."
"Well, I wanted to be here. He'll be okay by himself."
She didn't answer, instead looking over as her husband
came back with the Styrofoam cups of hot coffee. JR
seemed very surprised to see Jen.
"Well hullo there Jen," he said, sitting down. "How are
you?"
She smiled, shrugging.
"Yeah, me too," he told her, pouring sugar into his cup.
"You want something to eat?" Ryan asked her, getting up.
"I'm kinda hungry."
It seemed a millennium ago that she had eaten that
cereal. "Yeah, kinda."
"Where's the food?" he asked his dad.
His dad told him.
"You stay here?" Ryan asked her, looking at the tired
figure in the chair. She nodded, and he smiled at her as
he walked away.
She looked over at his parents across from her. "So, how
is he?" she asked them.
"Well," said JR. "He's still unconscious which isn't
really a good sign. He's also hemorrhaging--bleeding--in
his brain, and he's got some extra fluid in there which
they had to drain. He's got a nasty bump on the head you
could say..." he told her wryly.
"He's very strong," she told him. "He can pick me up
anyways," she smiled. "But he'll be okay. I'm sure of
it."
He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, long time no
see huh Jen?"
She smiled shyly.
JR smiled at her back. "That's alright. We really
appreciate you being here," he told her.
"We do," agreed his wife. "You know you're like family."
"Thanks," she said.
"Ryan took Robby home," Karen told her husband. "I think
he'll be okay by himself for awhile."
JR nodded. "Ryan didn't want to stay at home," he said,
thinking out loud.
"No. That's okay." She added to Jen, "Ryan feels guilty
you know."
"Why?" Jen asked.
"Oh, he thinks he should have picked him up at baseball
practice." She shook her head. "He's never picked him up
at baseball practice," she said, rolling her eyes as if
to say, "That's Ryan for you."
"Well, it's not his fault."
"Yeah, you know the driver was here for awhile too. He
brought him some flowers; we put them in his room. He
feels really bad too. It wasn't his fault," she told
her.
"Oh really?" Jen had been wondering about that.
"Yeah, looks like it was Will's fault," she sighed.
"Anyway, he came by with his wife. Very nice man."
Jen nodded, thinking. She stared down at the pattern on
the floor, her vision blurring as her eyes filled with
tears.
She didn't see the doctor walk into the little alcove.
She jumped when she heard him talk to Ryan's parents,
her heart racing.
"Well, your son's conscious," he told them.
His mom breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down into her
chair.
"Thank God," said JR.
"He's still needs to be in the ICU. He's still got more
fluid in his skull that we need to worry about."
"Can we see him?" asked Karen, standing up.
"Yes, but just for a moment."
"Ryan's not back yet," Jen noticed. "I'll go get him. I
have to tell him!"
She walked briskly down the hall in the direction where
JR had said the vending machines were. She rounded the
corner and nearly bumped into him, carrying bags of
chips and sodas.
She grabbed his arm. "Ryan, he woke up! Will woke up!"
His face lit up. "What'd they say? Is he gonna be okay?"
"I think so," she told him as they raced towards his
room. "I don't know but I think so."
They went into his room. Ryan had been right, Will
looked horrible. He was very pale and not smiling at
all, the only one in the room not wearing a huge grin.
"My head hurts," he muttered.
A chill ran down her spine as she looked into his eyes,
the whites red with blood.
She gave him a hug, gently.
"Hi Jen," he said. He closed his eyes.
"Hi Will. You better be okay," she told him. "We have
some serious unfinished Sega business..."
He nodded. "Where's my board?" he asked suddenly,
opening his eyes.
"Don't worry, your board has been rescued," said Ryan.
Karen was crying, holding his hand as she sat in the
chair next to his bed.
"You feeling okay, honey?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"I know, baby, I know," his mom whispered, rubbing his
hand.
Jen tried not to cry but couldn't help it. Ryan hugged
her, his chin resting on her head as she choked back
sobs. Even JR was blinking back tears.
"Why's Jen crying?" she heard Will ask.
She pulled away from Ryan, wiping her eyes. "'Cause I'm
happy I guess," she told him, sniffling.
"Well don't cry Jen," he muttered. "Only sad people
cry."
She nodded, smiling down at him in the bed. Ryan wrapped
his arms around her, pulling him to her again.
"I hafta go to the bathroom!" Will whined. "You guys
hafta leave!"
They laughed, Ryan and Jen walking out of the room. They
stood in the hall, and he hugged her again. She closed
her eyes, leaning against him and melting in his strong
arms. God it felt good to be with him again. It was so
right, there was no way she could deny that.
Finally she pulled back. Ryan was crying too. "He's
gonna be okay!" she whispered, smiling at him.
He nodded. "I know." He reached out and wiped her tears
away with his cuff.
"I know he is..."
He nodded again. "That's not why I'm crying," he told
her.
"Me neither," she answered, smiling. She went back into
his arms, her eyes closed again.
"I love you Jen," Ryan told her.
"I love you too," she whispered.
Ryan hugged her tighter. She opened her eyes, seeing JR
standing there in the hall across from them, finishing
his coffee.
He smiled at her.
She smiled back, then closed her eyes again.
THE END
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This story was written as an adult fantasy. The author
does not condone the described behavior in real life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kristen's collection - Directory 69