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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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Guinness and Bushmills
by RandyPan (randypanthegoatboy@gmail.com)
***
What if Alicia Witt and Saoirse Ronan ran a bar in
Ireland? (FF, oral, rom, celeb-parody)
***
Author's Note: For the sake of not every celebrity story
of mine involving Hollywood and film-making, the
actresses in this are basically themselves if they
weren't actresses.
***
In the heart of Dublin, a young Irish woman named
Saoirse tended an almost empty bar. Saoirse recently
inherited this pub from a dead relative she never even
met. The place wasn't doing so great when she got it,
and now, with just her working there, it was failing.
Her only patron of the night was Alicia, an older,
ginger-haired Irish-American from Boston. Alicia was
between jobs, but certainly wasn't hurting for money, so
she decided to take a trip to the old country.
"Slow night?"
"Yeh. Worse than you think; I may have to close this
place soon."
"Really? Nice place like this?"
"Well, part of the problem is I can't get any help. Any
relatives I do have are wanting to distance themselves
from that old Irish stereotype, so I'm not getting any
assistance from them."
"You mean the one about all Irish people being
drunkards?"
"Yeah, that one."
"Speaking of which, another Guinness?"
"Yeh, alright." Saoirse stuck a new glass under the tap
and pulled the handle that said 'Guinness'.
"You know what Patton Oswalt said about the Guinness in
Ireland? He describes it as 'a cupcake and handjob
smoothie'."
Saoirse chuckled. "Yeh, I heard that."
Alicia took the beer, and took a sip. "Damn, that's
good." She whispered to herself. Then, aloud to Saoirse,
"So, supposing you had even one person helping out, you
think you might be able to keep this place afloat?"
"Mmm, I guess so?" Saoirse looked deep in thought as she
said this. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I lost my job recently, and since I've been over
here, I've been thinking I might want to move here
permanently."
"What, seriously? You wanna help me keep this place
running? You don't even know me."
"I already know you're nicer than anyone else I've ever
worked for. Also, I like your accent." Alicia took a
swig of her beer.
Saoirse smirked, then offered her hand. "Saoirse."
"Alicia." They shook hands.
As it turned out, Alicia's help made a huge difference.
Over the months that followed, customers did find their
way to the place. It got to the point where, on Fridays
and Saturdays, the place would be almost packed.
It would be on one of these Saturdays that a key
incident in the two's relationship would take place.
Alicia was waiting tables that night. These two
seriously shit-faced American tourists were sitting on
the end of the bar, and, as Alicia was passing, one of
them grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap, causing
her to drop her tray, shattering the two mugs that were
on it. Alicia elbowed the guy in the ribs, causing him
to drop her, and yell, "Fucking bitch!"
Before the situation could escalate, Saoirse pulled a
baseball bat from behind the bar, and prodded the first
guy in the back.
"Both of ye, out now!"
"Hey, lighten up, just having some fu—" The guy was cut
off by Saoirse hitting him in the jaw with the bat. As
he was spitting up teeth, she pointed the bat at the
other guy, who looked like he was shitting himself.
"You! Clean that shit up, and then both of you get the
fuck out!"
To Alicia's surprise, the guy actually cleaned up the
glass, with a 'Please don't hurt me' look on his face
the whole time.
Saoirse then went out and helped Alicia up. "You
alright?"
"Yeah, I'm-I'm good." Alicia seemed more stunned at what
she'd just witnessed than anything.
A few months later, the two were sitting on either side
of the bar after closing, sharing a bottle of Bushmills.
"D'ye realize you've been here nearly a year?"
"Really? Wow. Can't believe it's been that long." She
took a shot, then passed the bottle to Saoirse.
Saoirse poured herself a shot, while she talked.
"Anyway, I really want to thank you for all ye've done.
I mean, you've been just amazing." She drank the shot.
"You've been pretty awesome yourself. The way you
handled those two tourists that one time? Never seen
anything like it."
"Yeah, well, you fuck with my friends, I'm gonna tear
you a new arsehole, that's just how it is."
Sometime later, the two drunkenly shuffled upstairs, to
the apartment over the bar, where the two of them lived.
"Well, see you in the morning."
"Alicia, wait."
"Hm?"
"I, uh, was just thinking, ye know, if you want to, you
can sleep in the bed with me tonight, rather than on
that old couch."
Alicia looked in Saoirse's eyes, and instantly knew what
she was really thinking. "Oh, my love." Closing her
eyes, Alicia leaned in. Saoirse did the same, and their
lips met. Alicia had secretly wanted to do this since
the tourist incident, but realized it might not be
appropriate. Saoirse also discovered that night what she
felt for Alicia, when she realized how angry she was,
seeing that guy basically assault her.
Their lips moved together, as they embraced, rubbing
their hands all over each other. Holding the lip-lock,
they moved awkwardly toward Saoirse's bed. On reaching
it, Saoirse fell back clumsily on it. Alicia, still
standing, chuckled, and immediately took her shirt off,
followed by her bra, and Saoirse followed suit. Alicia
then took off her jeans, and then crawled on top of
Saoirse, and they continued to kiss.
Soon, Alicia started to move down, kissing down
Saoirse's neck, then her chest, which rose and sank as
she breathed. Moving further down, Alicia sucked on
Saoirse's hard, pink nipples, causing her to moan. She
moved further down, kissing down Saoirse's stomach.
Kissing around her navel, Alicia took off Saoirse's
skirt, then pulled off her tights. Moving back down,
Alicia pulled the crotch of Saoirse's panties aside.
Upon feeling Alicia's tongue in her snatch, Saoirse
gasped, making a high-pitched squeak, and her brow
creased. "Oh, Jesus!" she whispered. Saoirse writhed and
squirmed as Alicia probed her sopping pussy with her
tongue, and rubbed her clit slowly with her thumb. "Oh,
God! O…Oh!" After a few minutes, Saoirse finally came,
squeaking "Fuck!"
Saoirse was shaking and breathing rapidly as Alicia
kissed her way back up. The two again locked lips,
practically sucking the air out of each other. Alicia
then smiled at Saoirse, and whispered, "I love you."
They again embraced and kissed, and fell asleep in each
other's arms.
END
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than a
trusted partner. 4-million people around the world
contract HIV every year. You only have one body per
lifetime, so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kristen's collection - Celebrity Parody Archive