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                 K R I S T E N' S    C O L L E C T I O N
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This work is copyrighted to the author © 2009.  Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
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consideration.
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Guide to the Bases
by Anonymous

***

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? 
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with 
your friends ("Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy 
went behind the gym and they got to second base!")? 
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was 
second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was 
really sure. Also, the bases tended to get 
progressively more intense as you got older. What's a 
person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball 
analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it; 
there are more than four stages in today's day and age 
of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing 
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications 
of modern romance and standardizing the bases 
themselves, we present the newly revised guide to the 
bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in 
the old days.

--First Base: This was almost always kissing, although 
one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. 
Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base: This meant either tongue kissing, 
breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants 
of you or your partner.

--Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was 
rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it 
in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager 
with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you 
reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such 
as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy)? And what about the 
exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer 
such puzzling questions and present without further 
ado...

The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

--On Deck- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out: Duh!!

--Walk: Kissing

--Bunt: Masturbation

--Single: Tongue kissing

--Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, 
lots of grabbing and feels

--Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, 
mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run: Oral Sex

--Home Run: Intercourse!

--Ground Rule Double: Would have sex, but no condom

--Error: Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom

--Hall of Fame: Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some 
terms to better explain all the things that can happen 
now-a-days.

--Balk: Premature ejaculation

--Pine Tar: KY jelly

--Relief pitcher: Vibrator

--Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home 
unexpectedly.

--Box Seats: Waterbed

--Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions

--Dead Ball: Blue balls/passion cramps

--Florida Snow: Cocaine (I know you don't get it... 
tough.)

--Rookie: Virgin

--Minor Leagues: Under 18

--Loaded Bases: Manage a trois

--Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours

--Foul tip: Venereal Disease

--Three up and three down: impotency

--All you: Make the first move

--Batting Glove: sexual aide

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly 
contrast the old confusion with our current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um 
got like past third base, but not to home plate. I 
really like her.

NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an 
inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's 
hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and 
nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning 
stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

If we could, at this time, shrink the Earth's 
population to a village of precisely 100 people, with 
all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would 
look like this. There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (North and South)
8 Africans
70 would be non-white
30 white
70 would be non-Christian
30 Christian

50% of the entire world wealth would be in the hands of 
only 6 people - and all 6 would be citizens of the 
United States.
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
80 would live in sub-standard housing
1 would have a college education

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Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of
the hands of children. They should be outside playing
in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations.

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Kristen's collection - Directory 64