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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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WARNING!
This text file contains sexually explicit
material. If you do not wish to read this
type of literature, or you are under age,
PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!!
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This work is copyrighted to the author © 2008. Please
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Senility
by Ickric (ick_ric@yahoo.co.uk)
***
Sex and senility. We all may get there but will it be
fun? A humerous look at senile sex. (MF, rom, humor)
***
You know when you are getting on a bit when sex becomes
some distant memory, like toothache or a favourite pair
of shoes. You can recall the pain and the comfort yet
you cannot recollect quite why. It’s almost like
looking at a road map of a city and having a vague idea
of your location whilst still being completely lost.
You recall some of the faces and sometimes, even names
of people although you are very much uncertain if the
name is correct for each face, but it’s a start! You
remember some of the good points, but maybe you
remember the halitosis, rhinohorrhea or hyper-hydrosis
more so.
Vague flickers of shadows in the darkness, flesh
against flesh, body parts in mouths yet these days,
those images refer mostly to your last visit to the
zoo.
Heavy breathing in bed nowadays is mostly down to
emphysema and you get more comfort from a hot water
bottle than a partner. The tablets you take at bedtime
are not Viagra but warfarin. Doing drugs is not the
abuse of Lysergic Acid or Cocaine, it is more likely to
include the use of Paracetomol, Diazepam and
Propanolol!
Dressing for bed no longer involves anything made from
rubber, other than incontinence knickers and the grand
children use your or your partner's bra as a catapult
for lobbing house bricks across the neighbourhood.
Your partner can now run their tongue across your teeth
without you even having to be in the same room, thanks
to a glass of water and some steradent!
In the rare event of you and your partner being
intimate, it can still be just as exciting as it was
all those decades ago. One night stands or role-
playing, pretending your partner is some one else is
just the same as senile sex, mostly because you spend
much of the time trying to recollect your partners
name!
The moans and groans are not those of lust, but of
aching limbs and failing joints. Kissing is akin to
performing CPR and the silk sheets you used to romp
around on are now thick, cotton sheets with
incontinence pads beneath. Wet patches suddenly have
totally different meanings to you. What is more, you
become afraid of things that are stiff as you still
believe it is the first signs of rigor mortis which is
generally unhealthy!
You wonder why every time you go to the bathroom at
night, the light switches on automatically, every time
you open the door until you realise that you have been
using the fridge as your toilet for the last few
months. Suddenly it dawns on you why the milk has
tasted odd recently.
Senility is when you can remember the war like it was
yesterday but you are having trouble remembering what
you had for breakfast which was less than an hour ago.
Suddenly, the lyrics of the Fred Wedlock song, “The
oldest swinger in town” all begins to make sense.
Romance is still within your psyche, however, and when
you and your partner go for a walk, you make a point of
holding their hand. There is a hidden agenda, however,
as you need to hold their hand because if you lost
them, you would not be able to remember the way back
home again on your own!
At last, after decades of being together, you have
found peace and harmony within your own relationship.
Arguments are a thing of the past and life is serene.
So why has it taken so many years to reach this stage?
The answer is very simple. There can be no
confrontation if there are no areas you disagree on.
All these years, you have been arguing, protesting your
innocence against claims of negligence, hostility or
arrogance. Now, your memory is so poor, if your partner
accuses you of having done something wrong, you are
happy to accept blame as you are unable to remember if
they are right or not!
They say that with old age, two things happen. The
first is the onset of senile dementia, the loss of
memory and with it, your marbles. Sadly, I cannot
remember what the second thing was!
You find that just going to the toilet or examining
yourself can be an orgasmic experience if you have a
bout of the shakes at the same time. Deliberate
masturbation is weird as the loss of sensation in your
hands feels like some one else is doing it to you!
Trying to look young involves hair dye (blue), exercise
(with a zimmer frame) and perfume (based around palm of
violets or lavender).
Senility is when you can go shopping for clothes at
supermarkets and you believe that de-mob suits are
still in vogue. You can now wear the furry, zip up
slippers you used to tease your grand parents about,
and you find Arran cardigans comfortable.
And once you are all dolled up, you want to go out on
the pull to the local Derby and Joan club, dressed to
kill in your surgical stockings and thermal undies.
You have concerns that if you found a partner who was
prepared to get naked for you, if they invited you to
have a stroke, you’d probably have a clinical stroke
instead. You have become aware that Paramedics use KY
Jelly to lubricate the tracheal tubes when you have
stopped breathing and it dawns on you that there were
other reasons why the substance was invented in the
first place!
But you still fear the unknown. Having a sexual partner
could be fatal at your age. You can remember what to
do, but you have forgotten in which order. Who swallows
what? Is pregnancy still a concern? Are there too many
flaps and folds to navigate? Do you need a satnav to
negotiate your partner's body? Does the smell of urine
make you horny?
They say that sex improves with age so, by now, you
should be a world authority on the subject yet you have
the same insecurities as you had in your adolescent
years. Can puberty really hit twice?
And yet, there is still worse to come. Once you reach
this point of senility, there is only one thing left to
do.
Become a politician!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than
a trusted partner. 4-million people around the world
contract HIV every year. You only have one body per
lifetime, so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kristen's collection - Directory 59