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K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N
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Randiana
by Anonymous (address withheld)
***
Long-censored erotic novella of Victorian times
describes the amatory adventures of an English
gentleman of leisure as he pursues sensual
gratification in its many forms. The fact that the hero
of the book is called Mr. Clinton is good for a grin or
two. Anything written by Ayn Rand is also termed
Randiana but here it is from the word 'randy' and the
adventures here are randiest ever. (FFM, exh, inc,
reluc)
***
A FIRST EXPERIENCE
CHAPTER 1
I was born some fifty years ago in a little town about
seven miles from the sea, and was educated at the
grammar school, an old foundation institute, almost as
old as the town itself.
Up to the age of sixteen I had remained in perfect
ignorance of all those little matters which careful
parents are so anxious to conceal from their children;
nor, indeed, should I then have had my mind enlarged
had it not been for the playful instincts of my
mother's housemaid, Emma, a strapping but comely wench
of nineteen, who, confined to the house all the week
and only allowed out for a few hours on Sunday, could
find no vent for those passionate impulses which a
well-fed, full-blooded girl of her years is bound to be
subject to occasionally, and more especially after the
menstrual period.
It was, I remember well, at one of these times that I
was called early by my mother one morning and told to
go and wake Emma up, as she had overslept herself, and
the impression produced upon me as barefooted and in my
nightshirt I stepped into the girls room and caught her
changing the linen bandage she had been wearing round
her fanny was electrical.
Good gracious, Emma,' I said, what is the matter? You
will bleed to death.' And in my anxiety to be of
assistance, I tried to get hold of the rag where the
dark crimson flood had saturated it worst. In my haste
my finger slipped in, rag and all, and my alarm was so
great that had it not been for Emma laughing I believe
I should have rushed downstairs and awakened the whole
house.
'Don't you be a little fool, Master Jimmy,' said Emma,
'but come up tonight when your father and mother are
both gone to bed, and I'll show you how it all
occurred. I see you re quite ready to take a lesson,'
she added, grinning, for my natural instinct had
supervened on my first panic, and my nightshirt was
standing out as though a good old- fashioned tent pole
were underneath.
I had been frequently chafed at school about the size
of my penis, which was unnaturally large for a boy of
my years, but I have since found that it was an
hereditary gift in our family, my father and younger
brothers all boasting instruments of enormous build.
I turned reluctantly to leave the bedroom, but found it
impossible to analyze my feelings, which were
tumultuous and strange.
I had caught sight of a little bush of hair on the
bottom of Emma's belly, and it perplexed me
exceedingly.
Impelled by an impulse I could not then comprehend, but
which is understandable enough now, I threw myself into
Emmas arms and kissed her with fond ardour, my hands
resting on two milk-white globes which peeped above the
edge of her chemise. Just then I heard my mother's
voice- 'James, what are you doing up there?'
'Nothing, mamma; I was only waking Emma up.' And I came
downstairs hurriedly, with my boy's brain on fire and
longing for the night, which might, I thought, makes
plain to me all this mystery.
That day at school appeared a dream and the time hung
heavily; I went mechanically through my lessons, but
seemed dazed and thoughtful; indeed so much so that I
was the subject of general remark.
One of the boys, Thompson, the dull boy of the class,
who was nearly seventeen, came to me after school was
over and enquired what was the matter.
I suddenly resolved to ask Thompson; he was my senior
and might know.
Can you tell me,' I said, 'the difference between a boy
and a girl?'
This was too much for Thompson, who began to split with
uncontrollable laughter.
Good God, Clinton, he said (he swore horribly), what a
question. But I forgot you have only one sister, and
she's in long clothes.'
Well,' I replied, but what has that to do with it?'
'Why, everything,' said Thompson, 'if you'd been
brought up among girls you'd have seen all they've got,
and then you'd be as wise as other boys. Look here,'
suddenly stopping and taking out a piece of slate
pencil, 'you see this?' And he drew a very good
imitation of a man's prick upon his slate. 'Do you know
what that is?'
Of course I do, I said, Taaven 11 got one!
I hope so, replied Thompson with a smartness I hadn't
up to that time thought him to possess.
'Well, now look at this. And he drew what appeared to
me at the time to be a lengthy slit. Do you know what
that is? Alter what I had seen in the morning I could
form a shrewd guess, kit I feigned complete ignorance
to draw Thompson out.
Why, that's a woman's cunt, you simpleton, observed my
schoolmate, and if you ever have a chance of getting
hold of one, grab it, my boy, and don't be long before
you fill it with what God Almighty has given you,' and
he ran away and left me.
I was more astonished than ever. I had lived sixteen
years in the world and had learned more since six
o'clock that morning than in all the preceding time.
The reader may be assured that, although I had to go to
bed tolerably early, I kept awake until I heard my
father and mother safely in their room.
My mother always made it a special point to come and
see that I had not thrown the covers off, as I was a
restless sleeper, and on this occasion I impatiently
awaited the usual scrutiny.
After carefully tucking me in I watched her final
departure with beating heart, and heard her say to my
father as the door closed- Tie was covered tonight;
last evening he was a perfect sight, his prick standing
up as stiff and straight as yours ever did-and suck a
size, too: I can't imagine where my boys get them from.
You are no pigmy, dear, it is true, but I'm sure my
brothers as boys were - And I lost the rest of the
sentence as the door closed.
Now, I thought, is about the right moment, and I slid
softly out of bed and across the landing to the
staircase which was to lead me to heaven.
How often since then have I likened that happy
staircase to the ladder that Jacob dreamed of? I've
always considered that dream an allegory: Jacobs's
angels must have worn petticoats or some Eastern
equivalent, and the Patriarch doubtless moistened the
sands of Bethel thinking about it in his sleep.
ASCERTAIN THE MEANING OF REAL JAM
CHAPTER 2
I reached her bedroom door without mishap and found her
safely ensconced in bed, but with the candle still
burning.
Come here, dear, she said, throwing back the covers,
and for the first time in my life I saw a perfectly
naked woman. She had purposely left off her chemise and
was stretched out there, a repast for the Gods.
I do not know that, with all my experience of Papkian
delicacies since, I ever have viewed any skin more
closely resembling the soft peak bloom which is the
acme of coetaneous beauty.
Her plump breasts stood out as though chiseled by some
cunning sculptor, but they did not enchain my eyes.
They wandered lower to that spot which to me was suck a
curious problem, and I said, 'Maul look?'
She laughed, and opening her legs, answered me without
saying a word.
I examined it closely, and was more and more puzzled.
Her menses had passed and she had carefully washed away
the stains.
Put your finger in, she said, it won't bite you; but
haven't you really, Master Jimmy, ever seen one of
these things before?
I assured her that I had not.
'Then in that case,' said Emma, 'I shall have some
virgin spoil tonight. And passing her hand under my
nightshirt, she took hold of my prick with a quick
movement that surprised me, and although it was proudly
erect and seemed ready to burst, she worked it up and
down between her thumb and forefinger till I was fairly
maddened. Ok! For God's sake, I murmured, don't do
that, I shall die.'
'Not net, my darling,' she said, taking hold of me and
lifting me, for she was a girl of enormous muscular
power, on top of her. Not until I have eased my own
pain and yours too.'
Emma called passion pain, and I have since proved her
to be some sort of a philosopher. I have carefully
analyzed that terrible feeling which immediately
precedes the act of emission, and find pain the only
proper word to express it.
I struggled with her at first, for in my innocence I
scarcely knew what to make of her rapid action, but I
had not long to remain in doubt.
Holding my prick in her left hand and gently easing
back the prepuce, which had long since broken its
ligature, though through no self-indulgence on my part,
she brought it within the lips of her orifice, and then
with a quick jerk which I have since thought was almost
professional, I found myself buried to the extreme kilt
in a sea of bliss.
I instinctively found myself moving up and down with
the regular see- saw motion that friction will
unconsciously compel, but I need not have moved, for
Emma could have managed the whole business herself.
The movement of her kips and her hands, which firmly
grasped the cheeks of my fat young arse, soon produced
the desired result, and in my ecstasy I nearly fainted
At first I thought that blood in a large quantity had
passed from me and I whispered to Emma that the sheets
would be stained red, and then Mamma would know, but
she soon quieted my fears.
'What an extraordinary prick you have, Master James,
for one so young. Why it's bigger than your father's.'
How do you know that? I asked, surprised more than
ever. Well, my dear, that would be telling,' she said,
'Taut now that you have tried what a woman is like,
what do you think of it?'
I think it's simply splendid, was my response; and
indeed, although long years of varied experience man
have dulled the wild ardour of youth, and a fuck is
hardly the mad excitement which it was, I should find
it difficult to improve upon the answer I gave to Emma.
Twice more I essayed valiantly to escalade the fortress
of my inamorata, and each time she expressed
astonishment to think a mere child should have suck
grit in him.
All at once I heard a slight noise on the stairs, and
thinking it was mother, hastily slunk under the bed;
the candle was still burning.
Are you asleep, Emma? Whispered a low voice. It was my
father's.
'Lord, sir,' she said, 'I hope the missus didn't hear
you coming up. I thought you said it was to be
tomorrow.'
'I did,' replied my father, 'but to tell you the truth
I couldn't wait. I put a drop of laudanum in your
mistress's glass of grog just before retiring, so she's
safe enough.'
And this man called himself my father? I need scarcely
say I lost all my respect for him from that moment.
Not another word was passed, but peeping from my
hiding-place I saw by the shadow on the wall that my
father was preparing for immediate action, yet he went
about it a very different way from me.
He insisted upon her taking his penis into her mouth,
which at first she refused, but after some little
solicitation and a promise that she should go to the
fairing which was to be held on the following Friday,
she finally consented, and to see my fathers shadow
wriggling about on the wall while his arse described
all manner of strange and to me unnatural contortions,
was a sight that even at this distance of time never
fails to raise a smile whenever I think of it.
Presently the old man shouted out, hold on, Emma,
that's enough, let's put it in now.
But Emma was shrewd; she knew what a frightful drowned-
out condition her fanny was in and felt sure my father,
with his experience, would smell a rat, so she held on
to his tool with her teeth and refused to let go till
my father, between passion and pain, forced it away
from her. But judge of his disgust when he found
himself spending before he could reach the seat of
bliss.
His curses took my breath away.
'You silly bitch,' he said, 'you might have known I
couldn't stand that long, and still muttering
despondent oaths, he got out of bed to make water.'
Now unfortunately the chamber pot was close to my head,
and Emma's exhaustions after the quadruple performance
was so great that for the moment she forgot me.
The exclamation of my father as he stooped down and
caught sight of his eldest boy recalled her to herself.
I would rather draw a veil over the scene that ensued.
Suffice it to say that Emma received a month's wages in
the morning, and I was packed off to a boarding school.
My mother had not slept so soundly as my father had
fondly hoped. Whether the laudanum was not of first-
rate quality, or her instincts were prematurely sharp,
I have never been able to determine, but I do know that
before my father had dragged me from underneath Emma's
bed on that eventful night he was saluted from behind
with a blow from a little bedroom poker, which would
have sent many a weaker constitutioned man to an
untimely grave.
MORAL AND DIDACTIC THOUGHTS
CHAPTER 3
Having in the last two chapters related my first
boyhood experience in love, I think it will equal any
to be found in works of greater fame, but I do not
intend to weary you with any further relations of my
early successes on the Venusian war path.
I pass over the period of my youth and very early
manhood, leaving you to imagine that my first lesson
with Emma and my father as joint instructors was by no
means thrown away.
Yet I found at the age of thirty that I was only on the
threshold of mysteries far more entrancing. I had up to
that time been a mere man of pleasure, whose ample
fortune (for my father, who had grown rich, did not
disinherit me when he died) sufficed to procure any of
those amorous delights without which the world would be
a blank to me.
But further than the ordinary pleasures of the bed I
had not penetrated.
The moment was, however, approaching when all these
would sink into insignificance before those greater
sensual joys, which wholesome and well-applied
flagellation will always confer upon its devotees. I
quote the last sentence from a well-known author, but
I'm far from agreeing with it in theory or principle.
I was emerging one summer's evening from the Cafe Royal
in Regent Street, when De Vaux, a friend of long
standing whom I was with, nodded to a gentleman passing
in a hansom who at once stopped the cab and got out.
'Who is it?' I said, for I felt a sudden and
inexplicable interest in his large lustrous eyes, eyes
suck, as I have never before seen in any human being.
'That is Father Peter, of St Martha of the Angels. He
is a bircher, my bog, and one of the Lest in London.'
At this moment we were joined by the Father and a
formal introduction took place.
I had frequently seen admirable cartes of Father Peter,
or rather, as he preferred to be called, Monsignor
Peter, in the shop windows of the leading
photographers, and at once accused myself of being a
dolt not to have recognized him at first sight.
Descriptions are wearisome at the best, net were I a
clever novelist given to the art, I think I might even
interest those of the sterner sex in Monsignor Peter,
but although in the following paragraph I faithfully
delineate him, I humbly ask his pardon if he should
perchance in the years to come glance over these pages
and think I have not painted his portrait in colours
sufficiently glowing, for I must assure my readers that
Father Peter is no imaginary Apollo, but one who in the
present year of grace, 1883, lives, moves, eats,
drinks, fucks and flagellates with all the verve and
dash he possessed at the date I met him first, now
twenty-five years ago.
Slightly above the middle height and about my own age,
or possibly a year my senior, with finely chiselled
features and exquisite profile, Father Peter was what
the world would term an exceedingly handsome man. It is
true that perfectionists have pronounced the mouth a
trifle too sensual and the cheeks a thought too plump
for a standard of perfection, but the women would have
deemed otherwise for the grand dreamy Oriental eyes,
which would have outrivaled those of Byron's Gazelle,
made up for any shortcoming.
The tonsure had been sparing in its dealings with his
hair, which hung in thick but well-trimmed masses round
a classic head, and as the slight summer breeze blew
aside one lap of his long clerical coat, I noticed the
elegant shape of his cods which, in spite of the
tailor's art, displayed their proportions to the
evident admiration of one or two ladies who, pretending
to look in at the windows of a draper near which we
were standing, seemed riveted to the spot, as the
zephyrs revealed the tantalizing picture.
'I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Clinton,
said Father Peter, shaking me cordially by the hand.
Any friend of Mr. De Vaux is a friend of mine. May I
ask if either of you have dined yet?'
We replied in the negative.
'Then in that case, unless you have something Letter to
do, I shall be glad if you will join me at my own
borne. I dine at seven, and am already rather late. I
feel kalf-famisked and was proceeding to Kensington,
where my bumble quarters are, when the sight of De Vaux
compelled me to discharge the cab. What say you?'
'With all my heart, replied De Vaux, and since I knew
him to be a perfect sybarite at the table, and that his
answer was based on knowledge of Monsignor's
resovirces,' I readily followed suit.
To hail a four-wheeler and get to the doors of Father
Peters handsome but somewhat secluded dwelling, which
was not very far from the soutk end of the long walk in
Kensington Gardens, did not occupy more than twenty
minutes.
En route
I discovered that Father Peter possessed a further
charm whick, added to those I have already mentioned,
must have made him (as I thought even then and I know
now) perfectly invincible among womankind. He was the
most fascinating conversationalist I had ever listened
to.
It was not so much the easy winning way in which he
framed his sentences, but the rich musical intonation,
and the luscious laughing method he had of suggesting
an infinity of things without, as a respectable member
of an eminently respectable church, committing himself
in words. No one, save at exceptional intervals, could
ever repeat any actual phrase of Monsignors which might
not pass in a drawing-room, net there was an
instinctive craving on the part of his audience to hear
more because they imagined he meant something which was
going to lead up to something further, net the
something further never came.
Father Peter was wont to say when questioned upon this
annoying peculiarity-
'Am I to be held answerable for other people's
imaginations?'
But then Father Peter was a sophist of the first water,
and a clever reasoner could have proved that his
innuendos had created the imaginings in the first
place.
Daudet, Belot, and other leaders of the French
fictional school, have at times carefully analysed
those fine nuances which distinguish profligate talk
from delicate suggestiveness. Monsignor had read these
works, and adapted their ideas with success.
Myckef ? said Monsignor as we entered the courtyard of
his residence, tyrannises over me worse than any Nero.
I am only five minutes behind an dyetl dare not ask him
for an instant's grace. You are both dressed. I suppose
if I kadnt met you it would have been the Royalty front
row, Fiorina, they say, has taken to forgetting her
unmentionables lately.
We both denied the soft impeachment and assured him
that information about Fiorina was news to us.
Monsignor professed to be surprised at this, and rushed
off to his dressing room to make himself presentable.
A SNUG DINNER PARTY
CHAPTER 4
Before many minutes lie rejoined us, and leading the
way, we followed him into one of the most lovely bijou
salons it had ever keen my lot to enter. There were
seats for eight at the table, four of which were
occupied, and the chef, not waiting for his lord and
master, had already sent up the soup, which was being
handed round by a plump rose-cheeked boy about sixteen
years old, who I afterwards found acted in the double
capacity of page to Monsignor and chorister at St
Martha of the Angels, to san nothing of a tertiary
occupation which, not to put too fine a point upon it,
might go excessively near to buggery without being very
wide of the mark.
I was briefly introduced, and De Vaux, who knew them
all, had shaken himself into his seat before I found
time properly to note the appearance of my neighbours.
Immediately on my left sat a complete counterpart of
Monsignor himself, save that he was a much older man;
his name, as casually mentioned to me, was Father
Boniface, and although sparer in his proportions than
Father Peter, his proclivities as a trencherman belied
his meagreness. He never missed a single course, and
when any thing particular tickled his gustatory sense,
he had two or even more helpings.
Next to him sat a little short apoplectic man, a doctor
of medicine, who was more of an epicure.
A sylphlike girl of sixteen occupied the next seat. Her
fair hair, rather flaxen than golden-hued, hung in
profusion down her back, while black lashes gave her
violet eyes that shade which Greuze, the finest eye
painter the world has ever seen, wept to think he could
never exactly reproduce. I was charmed with her
ladylike manner, her neatness of dress, virgin white,
and above all, with the modest and unpretending way she
replied to the questions put to her. H ever there was a
maid at sixteen under the blue vault of heaven, she
sits there, was my involuntary thought, to which I
nearly gave verbal expression, but was fortunately
saved From such a Frightful lapse by the page who,
placing some appetising salmon and lobster sauce before
me, dispelled for the nonce my hall-visionary
condition.
Monsignor P. sat near this noting divinity, and ever
and anon between the courses passed his salt white
hands through her wavy hair.
I must admit I didn't hall like it, and began to leel a
jealous pang, but the knowledge that it was only the
caressing hand of a Father of the Romish Church quieted
me.
I was rapidly getting maudlin, and as I ate my salmon
the smell of the lobster sauce suggested other thoughts
till I found the tablecloth gradually rising, and I was
obliged to drop my napkin on the floor to give my sell
the opportunity of adjusting my prick so that it would
not be observed by the company.
I have omitted to mention the charmer who was placed
between De Vaux and Father Peter. She was a lady of far
more mature years than the sylph, and might be, as near
as one could judge in the pale incandescent light which
the pure Altered gas shed round with voluptuous
radiance, about twenty-seven. She was a strange
contrast to Lucy, for so my sylph was called Tall, and
with a singularly clear complexion for a brunette, her
bust was beautifully rounded with that fullness of
contour which, just avoiding the gross, charms without
disgusting. Madeline, in short, was in every inch a
woman to chain a lover to her side.
I had patrolled the Continent in search of goods; I had
overhauled every shape and make of cunt between
Constantinople and Calcutta; but as I caught the liquid
expression of Madeline's large sensuous eyes, I
confessed my sell a fool. Here in Kensington, right
under a London clubman's nose was the beau ideal bad
vainly travelled ten thousand miles to find. She was
sprightliness itself in conversation, and I could not
sufficiently thank De Vaux for having introduced me
into such an Eden.
Lamb cutlets and cucumbers once more broke in upon my
dream, and I was not at all sorry, for I found the
violence of my thought had burst one of the buttons of
my fly, a mishap I knew from past experience would be
followed by the collapse of the others unless I turned
my erratic brain wanderings into another channel; so I
kept my eyes fixed on my plate, absolutely afraid to
gaze upon these two constellations again.
As I observed just now, said the somewhat fussy little
doctor, cucumber or cowcumber, it matters not much
which, if philologists differ in the pronunciation
surely we may.
The pronunciation, said Father Peter, with a naive look
at Madeline, is very immaterial, provided one does not
eat too much of them. They are a dangerous plant, sir,
they heat the blood, and we poor churchmen, who have to
chastise the lusts of the flesh, should avoid them in
toto; yet I would fain have some more. And suiting the
action to the word, he helped himself to a large
quantity.
I should mention that I was sitting nearly opposite
Lucy, and seeing her titter at the paradoxical method
the worthy Father had of assisting himself to cucumber
against his own argument, I thought it a favorable
opportunity to show her that I sympathised with her
mirth, so, stretching out my foot, I gently pressed her
toe, and to my unspeakable joy she did not take her
foot away, but rather, indeed, pushed it further in my
direction.
I then, on the pretence of adjusting my chair, brought
it a little nearer the table, and was in ecstasies when
I perceived that Lucy not only guessed what my
manoeuvres meant, but actually in a very sly-puss- like
way brought her chair nearer too. Then balancing my
arse on the edge of my seat as far as I could without
being noticed, with my prick only covered with the
table napkin, for it had with one wild bound burst all
the remaining buttons on my breeches, I reached forward
my foot, from which I had slid off my boot with the
other toe, and in less than a minute I had worked it up
so that I could just feel the heat of her fanny.
I will say this for her, she tried all she could to
help me, but her cursed drawers were an insuperable
obstacle, and I was foiled. I knew if I proceeded
another inch I should inevitably come a cropper, and
this knowledge, coupled with the fact that Lucy was
turning wild with excitement, now red, now white,
warned me to desist for the time being.
I now foresaw a rich conquest-something worth waiting
for-and my blood coursed through my veins at the
thought of the sweet little bower nestling within those
throbbing thighs, for I could tell from the way her
whole frame trembled how thoroughly mad she was at the
trammels which society imposed. Not only that, the
moisture on my stocking told me that it was something
more than the dampness of perspiration, and I felt half
sorry to think that I had jewgaged her. At the same
time, to parody the words of the poet laureate-
Tis better to have frigged with one's toe,
Than never to have frigged at all.
Some braised ham and roast fowls now came on, and I was
astonished to find a poor priest of the Church of Rome
launching out in this fashion. The sauterne with the
salmon had been simply excellent, and the Mumms, clear
and sparkling, which accompanied the latter course had
fairly electrified me.
By the way, as this little dinner party may serve as a
lesson to some of those whose experience is limited, I
will mention one strange circumstance which may account
for much of what is to come. Monsignor, when the
champagne Lad been poured out for the first time,
before anyone bad tasted it, went to a little liqueur
stand, and taking from it a bottle of a most peculiar
shape, added to each glass a few drops of the cordial.
'That is Pinero Balsam,' he said to me, 'you and one of
the ladies have not dined at my table before, and,
therefore, you man possibly never have tasted it, as it
is but little known in England. It is compounded by one
Italian firm only, whose ancestors, the Sagas of
Venice, were the holders of the original recipe. Its
properties are wondrous and manifold, but amongst
others it rejuvenates senility, and those among us who
have travelled up and down in the world a good deal and
found the motion rather tiring as the years go on, have
cause to bless its recuperative qualities.'
The cunning cleric by the inflection of his voice had
sufficiently indicated his meaning and although the
cordial was, so far as interfering with the champagne
went, apparently tasteless, its effect upon the company
soon began to be noticeable.
A course of ducklings, removed by Nesselrode pudding
and Noy au jelly, ended the repast, and after one of
the shortest graces in Latin I had ever heard in my
life, the ladies curtsied themselves out of the
apartment, and soon the strains of a piano indicated
that they had reached the drawing-room, while we rose
from the table to give the domestics an opportunity for
clearing away.
My trousers were my chief thought at this moment, but I
skillfully concealed the evidence of my passion with a
careless pocket handkerchief, and my boot I accounted
for by a casual reference to a corn of long standing.
THE HISTORY OF FLAGELLATION CONDENSED
CHAPTER 5
'Gentlemen,' said Monsignor, lighting an exquisitely
aromatised cigarette-for all priests, 'through the
constant use of the censer, like the perfume of spices-
first of all permit me to hope that you have enjoyed
your dinner; and now I presume, De Vaux, your friend
will not be shocked if we initiate him into the
mysteries with which we solace the few hours of
relaxation our priestly employment permits us to enjoy.
Eh, Boniface?'
The latter, who was coarser than his superior, laughed
boisterously.
'I expect, Monsignor that Mr. Clinton knows just as
muck about birching as we do ourselves.'
'I know absolutely nothing of it,' I said, 'and must
even plead ignorance of the merest rudiments.'
'Well, sir, said Monsignor, leaning back in his chair,
die art of birching is one on which I pride myself that
I can speak with greater authority than any man in
Europe, and you may judge that I do not aver this from
any self-conceit when I tell you that I have, during
the last ten years, assisted by a handsome subsidy from
the Holy Consistory at Rome, ransacked the known world
for evidence in support of its history.
'In that escritoire,' he said, 'there are sixteen
octavo volumes, the compilation of laborious research,
in which I have been assisted by brethren of all the
holy orders affiliated to Mother Church, and I may
mention in passing that worthy Dr Price here and Father
Boniface have both contributed largely from their wide
store of experience in correcting and annotating many
of the chapters which deal with recent discoveries;
for, Mr. Clinton, flagellation as an art is not only
daily gaining fresh pupils and adherents, but scarcely
a month passes without some new feature being added to
our already huge stock of information.'
I lighted a cigar and said I should like to hear
something more about it. 'To begin witk, began Father
Peter, we have indubitable proof from the Canaanitisk
Stones found in the Plain of Skinar, in 1748, and
unearthed by Professor Bannister, that the priests of
Baal, more than three thousand years ago, not only
practiced flagellation in a crude form with kempen
cords, but inculcated the practice in those who came to
worship at the shrine of their god, and these are the
unclean mysteries which are spoken of by Moses and
Joshua, but which the Hebrew tongue had no word for.'
'You astonish me,' I said, 'but what proof have you of
this?'
'Simply this: it was the age of hieroglyphics, and on
the Skinar Stone was found, exquisitely carved, a
figure of the god Baal gloating over a young girl whose
virgin nakedness was being assailed by several stout
priests with rough cords. I have a facsimile in volume
7, page 343- hand it to Mr. Clinton, Boniface.'
Boniface did so, and sure enough there was the
Canaanitisk presentment of a young maiden with her
lovely rounded arse turned up to the sky, and her hands
tied to the enormous prick of the god Baal, being
soundly flogged by two stout-looking men in loose but
evidently priestly vestments.
The fact that the Israelites and men of Judah were
constantly leaving their own worship, enticed away by
the allurements of the Baalite priests, is another
proof of the superior fascination which flagellation
even in those days had over suck unholy rites as
sodomy.
'Your deductions interest me as a matter of history,' I
said, Taut nothing more.
Ok, I think I could interest you in another way
presently, said Dr Price.
Monsignor continued: the races all, more or less, have
indulged in a love of the art, and it is well known
that so far as Aryan lore will permit us to dive into
the subject, both in Babylon and Nineveh, and even in
later times in India also (which is surely something
more than a mere coincidence), flagellation has not
only thrived, but has keen the fashionable recreation
of all recorded time.
I really cannot see, I interrupted, where you get your
authorities from.
Well, so far as Nineveh goes, I simply ask you to take
a walk through the Assyrian Hall of the Britisk Museum,
where in several places you will see the monarchs of
that vast kingdom sitting on their thrones and watching
intently some performance, which seems to interest them
greatly. In the foreground you will perceive a man with
a whip of knotted thongs, as muck like our cat-o-nine-
tails as anything, on the point of belabouring
something-and then the stone ends; in other words,
where the naked-arsed Assyrian damsel would be there is
nil. Of course she has been chipped off by the
authorities, seeing the scene as being likely to
demoralise young children, who would begin to practise
on their own posteriors, and end by fucking themselves
into an early grave.
Well, I said, in unbounded surprise, your research is
certainly too muck for me.
I thought we should teach you something presently,
laughed Dr Price.
I have thousands of examples in those sixteen volumes,
from the Aborigines of Australia and the Maoris of New
Zealand to the Eskimos in their icy homes, the latter
of whom may be said to have acquired the art by
instinct, the cold temperature of the frozen zone
suggesting flagellation as a means of warmth, and
indeed, in a lecture read to the Geographical Society,
Mr. Wimwam proved that the frigidity of Greenland
prevented the women from procreating unless
flagellation, and vigorous flagellation, too, had been
previously applied.
The patristic Latin in which the books of the Holy
Fathers are written,' went on Monsignor, contain
numerous hints and examples, but although Clement of
Alexandria quotes some startling theories, and both
Lactantius and Tertullian back him to some extent, I
cannot kelp thinking that so far as practical bum-
tickling is concerned, we are a long way ahead of all
the ancients.
"But,' observed Dr Price mildly, Ambrose and Jerome
knew a thing or two.
They had studied, replied the imperturbable Father
Peter, Taut were not cultured as we moderns are; for
example, their birches grew in the hills of Illyria and
Styria, and in that part of Austria we now call the
Tyrol. Canada, with its glorious forests of birch, was
unknown. Why, sir,' said Monsignor, turning to me, his
eyes lit up with the lambent flame of enthusiasm, do
you know the king birch of Manitoba will execute more
enchantment on a girls backside in five minutes than
these old contrivances of our forefathers could have
managed in half an hour? My ringers tingle when I think
of it. Show him a specimen of our latest consignment,
Boniface. And the latter worthy rushed off to do his
master's bidding.
To tell the truth I scarcely appreciated all this, and
felt a good deal more inclined to get upstairs to the
drawing-room; just at this moment an incident occurred
which gave me my opportunity. The bonny brunette,
Madeline, looked in at the door furtively and
apologized, but reminded Monsignor that he was already
late for vespers.
'My dear girl,' said the cleric, 'run over to the
sacristy, and ask Brother Michael to officiate in my
absence-the usual headache-and don't stay quite so long
as you generally do, and if you should come back with
your hair disheveled and your dress in disorder, make
up a better tale than you did last time.'
Or else your own may smart, I thought, for at this
moment Father Boniface came in to ask Monsignor for
another key to get the rods, as it appeared he had
given him the wrong one. Now is my time, I reflected,
so making somewhat ostentatious enquiries as to the
exact whereabouts of the lavatory, I quitted the
apartment, promising to return in a few minutes.
I should not omit to mention that from the moment I
drank the sparkling cordial that Father Peter had mixed
with the champagne, my spirits had received an unwonted
exhilaration, which I could not ascribe to natural
causes.
I will not go so far as to assert that the augmentation
offered which I found my prick to possess was entirely
due to the Pinero Balsam, but this I will confidently
maintain against all comers, that never had I felt so
equal to any amorous exploit. It may have been the
effect of a generous repast, it might have been the
result of the toe-frigging I had indulged in; but as I
stepped into the brilliantly lighted hall, and hastily
passed upstairs to the luxurious drawing-room, I could
not help congratulating myself on the stubborn bar of
iron which my unfortunately dismantled trousers could
scarcely keep from popping out.
VENI.VIDI.VO
CHAPTER 6
Fearing to frighten Lucy if I entered suddenly in a
state of dishabille, and feeling certain that a prick
exhibition might tend to shock her inexperienced eye, I
readjusted my bollocks and peeped through the crack of
the drawing-room door, which had keen left temptingly
half open.
There was Lucy reclining on the sofa in that dolce far
niente condition which is a sure sign that a good
dinner has agreed with one, and that digestion is
waiting upon appetite like an agreeable and good-
tempered handmaid should.
She looked so arch, and with suck a charming pout upon
her lips, that I stood there watching, half disinclined
to disturb her dream.
It may be, I thought, that she is given to frigging
herself, and being all alone she might possibly -but I
speedily banished that thought, for Lucy's clear
complexion and vigorous blue eyes forbade the
suggestion.
At this instant something occurred which for the moment
again led me to think that my frigging conjecture was
about to be realised, for she reached her hand
deliberately under her skirt and, lifting up her
petticoats, dragged down the full length of her
chemise, which she closely examined. I divined it all
at a glance: when I toe-frigged her in the dining room
she had spent a trifle, and it being her first
experience of the kind, she could not understand it.
So she really is a maid after all, I thought, and as I
saw a pair of shapely ladylike calves encased in lovely
pearl silk stockings of a light blue colour, I could
restrain myself no longer, and with a couple of bounds
was at her side before she could recover herself.
Ok! Mr. Clinton. Ok! Mr. Clinton; how could you,' was
all she found breath or thought to ejaculate. I simply
threw my arms around her and kissed her flushed face,
on the cheeks, for I feared to frighten her too much at
first.
At last, finding she lay prone and yielding, I
imprinted a kiss upon her mouth, and found it returned
with ardour.
Allowing my tongue gently to insinuate itself into her
half-open mouth and touch hers, I immediately
discovered that her excitement, as I fully expected,
became doubled, and without saying a word I guided her
disengaged hand to my prick, which she clutched with
the tenacity of a drowning man catching at a floating
spar.
My own darling, I said, and waiting for no further
encouragement, I pushed my right hand softly up between
her thighs, which mechanically opened to give it
passage.
To say that I was in the seventh heaven of delight, as
my warm fingers found a firm plump cunt with a rosebud
hymen as yet unbroken, is but faintly to picture my
ecstasy.
To pull her a little way further down on the couch so
that her rounded arse would rise in the middle and make
the business a more convenient one, was the work of a
second; the next I had withdrawn my prick from her
grasp and placed it against the lips of her guim, at
the same time easing them back with a quick movement of
my thumb and forefinger. I gave one desperate lunge,
which made Lucy cry out Oh God, and the joy f ul deed
was consummated.
As I have hinted before, my prick was no joke in the
matter of size, and upon this occasion, so intense was
the excitement that had led up to the fray, it was
rather bigger than usual; but thanks to the heat the
sweet virgin was in, the sperm particles of her vagina
were already resolved into grease, which, mixing with
the few drops of blood caused by the violent separation
of the hymeneal cord, resulted in making the friction
natural and painless. Not only that, once inside I
found Lucy's fanny was internally framed on a very
free-and-easy scale-and here permit me to digress and
point out the wans of nature.
Some women are framed with an orifice like an
exaggerated horse collar, but with a passage more
fitted for a tin whistle than a man's prick, while in
others the opening itself is like the tiniest wedding
ring, though if you once get inside your prick is in
the same condition as the poor devil who floundered up
the biggest cunt on record and found another bugger
looking for his hat. Others again-but why should I go
on in this prosy fashion, when Lucy has only received
half a dozen strokes, and is on the point of coming.
What a delicious process we went through; even to
recall it after all these years, now that Lucy is a
staid matron, the wife of a church rector, and the
mother of two youths verging on manhood, is bliss, and
will in my most depressed moments always suffice to
give me a certain and prolonged erection.
The beseeching blue eyes that glanced up at Monsignors
drawing- room ceiling, as though in silent adoration
and heartfelt praise at the warm stream I seemed to be
spurting into her very vitals; the quick nervous
shifting of her fleshy buttocks, as she strove to ease
herself of her own pent-up store of liquid; and then
the heartfelt sigh of joy and relief that escaped her
ruby lips as I withdrew my tongue and she discharged
the sang de la vie at the same moment.
Oh! there is no language copious enough to do justice
to the acme of a first fuck, nor is there under God's
sun a nation which has yet invented a term sufficiently
comprehensive to picture the emotions of a man's mind
as he mounts a girl he knows from digital proof to be a
maid as pure in person and as innocent of prick, dildo
or candle as arctic snow.
Scarcely had I dismounted and reassured Lucy with a
serious kiss that it was all right, and that she need
not alarm herself, when Madeline came running in. Ok!
Lucy, she cried, suck kin-' Then, seeing me, she
abruptly broke off with-'I beg your pardon, Mr.
Clinton, I did not see you were here.
Lucy, who was now in a sitting posture, joined in the
conversation, and I saw by the ease of her manner that
she had entirely recovered her self- possession, and
that I could rejoin the gentlemen downstairs.
Do tell those stupid men not to stay there over their
cigars all day. It is paying us no compliment, was
Madeline's parting shot.
In another moment I was in my seat again, and prepared
for a resumption of Monsignor's lecture on birch rods.
Where the devil have you been to, Clinton? Said De Vaux
Where it would have been quite impossible for you to
have acted as my substitute, I unhesitatingly replied.
My answer made them all laugh, for they thought I
referred to the water closet, whereas I was of course
alluding to Lucy, and I knew I was stating a truism in
that case as regarded De Vaux, for he was scarcely yet
convalescent from a bad attack of Spanish glanders,
which was always his happy method of expressing the
clap.
A VICTIM FOR THE EXPERIMENT
CHAPTER 7
Now my dear Mr. Clinton, I wish you particularly to
observe the tough fibre of these rods, said Monsignor
Peter, as he handed me a bundle so perfectly and
symmetrically arranged that I could not kelp remarking
on it.
Ah!' exclaimed Monsignor, that is a further proof of
how popular the flagellating art has become. So large a
trade is being done, sir, in specially picked birch of
the flagellating kind, that they are hand- sorted by
children and put up in bundles by machinery, as they
appear here, and my own impression is that if the
Canadian Government were to impose an extra duty on
these articles, for they almost come under the heading
of manufactures and not produce, a large revenue would
accrue; but enough of this, said the reverend
gentleman, seeing his audience was becoming somewhat
impatient. 'You saw at the dinner table the young lady
I addressed as Lucy?
I reflected for a moment to throw them off their guard,
and then said, suddenly, Ok, yes, the sweet thing in
white.
Well, continued Monsignor Peter, Tier father is long
dead, and her mother is in very straitened
circumstances; the young girl herself is a virgin, and
I have this morning paid to her mother a hundred pounds
to allow her to remain in my house for a month or so
with the object of initiating her.
Initiating her into the Church?' I enquired, laughing
to myself, for I knew that her initiation in other
respects was fairly well accomplished.
No,' smiled Monsignor, touching the rods significantly,
this is the initiation to which I refer.
What, I cried, aghast, are you going to birch ker? We
are, put in Dr Price. Tier first flagellation will be
tonight, but this is merely an experimental one. A few
strokes well administered, and a quick kick after to
determine my work on corpuscular action of the blood
particles; tomorrow she will be in better form to
receive second- stage instruction, and we hope by the
end of the month-
To have a perfect pupil, put in Father, who did not
relish Dr Price taking the lead on a flagellation
subject, but let us proceed to the drawing-room.
Boniface, put that bundle in the birch box and bring it
upstairs.
So saying, the chief exponent of flagellation in the
known world led the way upstairs to the drawing-room,
and we followed, though I must confess that in my case
it was with no slight trepidation, for I felt somehow
as though I were about to assist at a sacrifice.
As we entered the room we found Lucy in tears, and
Madeline consoling her, but she no sooner saw us than,
breaking from her friend, she threw herself at
Monsignor's feet, and clinging to his knees, sobbed
out-
Ok, Father Peter, you have always been a land friend to
my mother and myself, do say that the odious tale of
shame that girl has poured into my ears is not true.
Good God! I muttered, they have actually chosen
Madeline as the instrument to explain what they are
about to do.
Rise, my child, said Monsignor, do not distress
yourself but listen to me. Half bearing the form of the
really terrified young thing to the couch, we gathered
round in a circle and listened.
You doubtless know, my sweet daughter,' began the wily
and accomplished priest, that the votaries of science
spare neither friends nor selves in their efforts to
unravel the secrets of nature. Time and pain are no
object to them, so that the end be accomplished. To
this ominous introduction Lucy made no response.
'You have read muck, daughter of mine, said Monsignor,
stroking her silken hair, and when I tell you that your
dead father devoted you to the fold of Mother Church,
and that your mother and I both think you will test he
serving Her ends and purposes by submitting yourself to
those tests which will be skillfully carried out
without pain, but on the contrary, with an amount of
pleasure such as you cannot even guess at, you will
probably acquiesce.
Lucy's eyes here caught mine, and although I strove to
reassure her with a look that plainly intimated no harm
should come to her, she was some time before she at
last put her hand in the cleric's and said-
Truly Father, I do not think you would allow anything
very dreadful; I will submit, for my mother, when I
left her this morning, told me above all else to he
obedient to you in everything and to trust you
implicitly.
That is my own trump of a girl, said Monsignor,
surprised for the first time during the entire evening
into a slang expression, but I saw his large round orbs
gloating over his victim, and his whole frame trembled
with excitement as he led Lucy into the adjoining
apartment and left her alone with Madeline.
"Now, gentlemen,' said Monsignor, the moment
approaches, and you will forgive me, Mr. Clinton, if I
have to indulge in a slight coarseness of language, but
time presses, and plain Saxon is the quickest method of
expression. Personally, I do not feel inclined to fuck
Lucy myself, as the fact is I had connection with her
mother the night previous to her marriage, and as Lucy
was born exactly nine months afterwards, I am rather in
doubt as to the paternity.
In other words, I said, astounded, you think it
possible that you may be her father.' Precisely,' said
Monsignor. 'You see that the instant the flagellation
is ended, somebody must necessarily kick her, and
personally my objection prevents me. Boniface, here,
prefers boys to women, and Dr Price will be too busy
taking notes, so that it rests between you and De Vaux,
who had better toss up.'
De Vaux, who was stark mad to think that his little
gonorrheal disturbance was an insuperable obstacle,
pleaded an engagement later on, which he was bound to
fulfil, and therefore Monsignor Peter told me to be
sure to be ready the instant I was wanted.
Madeline entered at this moment and informed us that
all was ready, but gave us to understand that she had
experienced the greatest difficulty in overcoming poor
Lucy's natural scruples at being exposed in all her
virgin nakedness to the gaze of so many of the male sex
She made a very strange observation, too, continued
Madeline, looking at me with a drollery I could not
understand. She said, if it had been only Mr. Clinton,
I don't think I should have minded quite so much.
Oh! all the better, said Father Peter, for it is Mr.
Clinton who will have to relieve her at the finish.
With these words we proceeded to the birching-room,
which it appears had been furnished by these professors
of flagellation with a nicety of detail and an eye to
everything accessory to the art that was calculated to
inspire a neophyte like myself with the utmost
astonishment.
On a framework of green velvet was a soft down bed, and
reclined on this length was the blushing Lucy.
Large bands of velvet, securely buckled at the sides,
held her in position, while her legs, brought well
together and fastened in the same way, slightly
elevated her soft shapely arse. The elevation was
further aided by an extra cushion, which Lad been
judiciously placed under the lower portion of her
belly.
Monsignor bent over her and whispered a few soothing
words into her ear, but she only buried her delicate
head deeper into the down of the bed, while the
reverend Father proceeded to analyse the points of her
arse.
THE EXPERIMENT PROCEEDS
CHAPTER 8
Having all of them felt her arse in turn, panicking it
as though to test its condition, muck as a connoisseur
in horseflesh would walk around an animal he was about
to bun, Monsignor at length said-
What a superb picture. His eyes were nearly bursting
from their sockets. 'You must really excuse me,
gentlemen, but my feelings overcome me, and taking his
comely prick out of his breeches, he deliberately
walked up to Madeline, and before that fair damsel had
guessed his intentions, he had thrown her down on the
companion couck to Lucy's and had fucked her heart out
in a shorter space of time than it takes me to write
it.
To witness this was unutterably maddening. I scarcely
knew what to be at; my heart beat wildly, and I should
then and there have put myself into Lucy had I not been
restrained by Father Boniface who, arch- vagabond that
he was, took the whole business as a matter of course
and merely observed to Monsignor that it would be as
well to get it over as soon as possible, since Mr.
Clinton was in a devil of a hurry.
Poor Lucy was deriving some consolation from Dr Price
in the shape of a few drops of Pinero Balsam in
champagne, while as for De Vaux, he was groaning
audibly, and when the wortky Father Peter came to the
short strokes De Vaux's chordee became so unbearable
that he ran violently out into Monsignor's bedroom, as
he afterwards informed me, to bathe his balls in ice
water.
To me there was something rather low and shocking in a
fuck before witnesses, but that is a squeamiskness that
I have long since got the better of.
Madeline, having wiped Monsignor's prick with a piece
of mousseline de laine, a secret known only to the
sybarite in loves perfect secrets, retired, presumably
to syringe her fanny, and Monsignor buttoned up and
approached his self-imposed task. Taking off his coat
he turned up his short cuffs and, Boniface handing him
the birch rods, the bum-warming began.
At the first keen swish poor Lucy shrieked out, but
before half a dozen had descended with a quick smacking
sound which betokens that there is no lack of elbow
grease in the application, her groans subsided, and she
spoke in a quick strained voice, begging for mercy.
To the love of God, she said, do not, pray do not lay
it on so strong.
Bu this time her lovely arse had assumed a flushed,
vermilion tinge, which appeared to darken with every
stroke, and at this point Dr Price interposed
'Enough, Monsignor, now my duty begins. And quick as
thought he placed upon her bottom a piece of linen,
which was smeared with an unguent, and stuck it at the
sides with a small modicum of tar plaster to prevent it
from coming off.
Oh! cried Lucy, I feel so funny. Oh! Mr. Clinton, if
you are mere, pray relieve me, and make haste.
In an instant my trousers were down, the straps were
unbuckled, and Lucy was gently turned over on her back.
I saw a delicate bush of curly hair, a pair of glorious
thighs, and the sight impelled me to thrust my prick
into that divine Eden I had visited but a short time
before with an ardour that for a man who had lived a
fairly knockabout life was inexplicable.
I had scarcely got it thoroughly planted, and had
certainly not made a dozen well-sustained though rapid
strokes, before the gush of sperm which she emitted
drew me at the same instant, and I must own that I
actually thought the end of the world had come. Now,'
said Dr Price, rapidly writing in his pocket-book, you
see that my theory was correct. Here is a maid, who has
never known a man and she spends within ten seconds of
the entrance being effected. Do you suppose that
without the birching she could have performed suck a
miracle?
'Yes,' I said, I do, and I can prove that all your
surmises are but conjecture, and that even your
conjecture is based upon a fallacy.
Bravo, said Father Peter, I like to see Price fairly
collared. Nothing flabbergasts him like facts. Dear me,
how damnation slangy I am getting tonight. Lucy, dear,
don't stand shivering mere, slip on your things and
join Madeline in my snuggery; we shall all be mere
presently. Go on, Clinton.
Well,' I said, it is easy enough to refute the learned
doctor. In the first place Lucy was not a maid.
That be damned for a tale, said Fattier Boniface. I got
her mother to let me examine her myself last night
while she was asleep, previous to handing over the
hundred pounds.
Yes, that I can verify,' said Monsignor, though I must
admit that you have a prick like a kitchen poker, for
you got into her as easy as though she d been on a
Regent Street round for twenty years.
1 will bet anyone here fifty to one, I said, quietly
taking out my pocket-book, that she was not a maid
before I poked her just now.
Done, said the doctor who, upon receiving a knowing
wink from Father Peter, felt sure he was going to bag
two ponies, and now how are we to prove it?
Ah, that will be difficult,' said Monsignor. Not at
all, I observed, let the young lady be sent for and
questioned on the spot where you assume she was first
deflowered of her virginity.
Yes, that's fair, said De Vaux, and accordingly he
called her in.
My dear Lucy, said Monsignor, I wish you to tell me the
truth in answer to a particular question I am about to
put to you.'
T certainly will,' said Lucy, for God knows I have
literally nothing now to conceal from you.'
Well, that's not bad for a double entente, said the
Father, laughing, but now tell us candidly, before Mr.
Clinton was intimate with you in our presence just now,
had you ever before had a similar experience?
Once, said Lucy, simpering and examining the pattern of
the carpet.
Good God, said the astonished churchman, as with
deathlike silence he waited for an answer to his next
question-'When was it and with whom?
With Mr. Clinton himself, in the drawing-room here,
about an hour ago.'
I refused the money of course, but had the laugh on all
of them, and as we rolled home to De Vaux's chambers in
a hansom about an hour later I could not help admitting
to him that I considered the evening we had passed
through the most agreeable I had ever known.
'You will soon forget it in the midst of other
pleasures.
Never,' I said. If Calais was graven on Mary's heart, I
am quite sure that this date will be found inscribed on
mine if ever they should hold an inquest upon my
remains.
A BACHELOR'S SUPPER PARTY
CHAPTER 9
Having become a frequent visitor at the Priory, the
name Monsignor's hospitable mansion was generally known
by, I had numberless opportunities for kicking Lucy,
Madeline and two of the domestics, but somehow I never
properly took to flagellation in its true sense.
There was a housemaid of Monsignor s, a pretty and
intelligent girl called Martha, the sight of whose
large, fleshy bum, with an outline which would have
crushed Hogarth's line of beauty out of time, used to
excite me beyond measure, but I was not an enthusiast,
and when Monsignor recognized this, and found that as a
birch performer I laid it on far too sparingly, his
invitations were less pressing, and gradually my visits
became few and far between.
De Vaux, on the other hand, had become a qualified
practitioner, and would dilate for hours on the
celestial pleasures to be derived from skilful bum-
scoring, in fact, so perfect a disciple of Monsignor's
did he get to be that the pupil in some peculiar phases
has outstripped the master, and his work now in the
press, entitled the Glory of the Birch, or Heaven on
Earth, may fairly claim, from an original point of
view, to be catalogued with the more abstruse volumes
penned by the Fathers, and collated and enlarged by
Messrs Peter, Price and Boniface upon the same subject.
As I stated before, I could not enter so thoroughly
into the felicity of birching. I saw that, physically
speaking, it was productive of forced emission, but I
preferred cunt moreau natural. The easy transition from
a kiss to a feel, from a feel to a finger frig, and
eventually by a more natural sequence to a gentle
insertion of the jock, were a series of gradations more
suited to my unimaginative temperament, and I,
therefore, to quote the regretful valediction of De
Vaux, relapsed into that condition of Papkian barbarism
in which he found me. But I was by no means idle. My
income, which was nearly £7,000 per annum, was
utilized, in one direction only, and as you shall hear,
I employed it judiciously in the gratification of my
taste.
In the next suite of chambers to mine lived a noting
barrister, Sydney Mitckell, a daredevil dog, and one
whose penchant for the fair sex was only equalled by
his impecuniosity, for he was one of that many- headed
legion who are known as briefless.
I had occasionally, when he had been pounced upon by a
bailiff, which occurred on an average of about once a
month, rescued him by a small advance, which he had
gratefully repaid by keeping me company in my lonely
rooms, drinking my claret and smoking my best Havanas.
But this was to me sufficient repayment, for Sydney had
an inexhaustible store of comic anecdotes, and his
smartly told stories were always so happily related
that they never offended the ear, while they did not
fail to tickle the erective organs.
One morning Sydney came to me in a devil of a stew.
My very dear Clinton, he said, Tm in a kell of a scrape
again; can you kelp me out of it?
Is it muck? I said, remembering that I had paid £2D for
him a few days before.
Listen, and you may judge for yourself. I was at my
Buffalo lodge last night, got drunk, and invited about
half a dozen fellows to my chambers this evening to
dinner.
Well, I remarked, there's nothing very dreadful about
that.
"Yes, there is, for I have to appear as substitute for
a chum on the Queen's Benck in an hour, and my wig is
at the dressers, who won't part with it until I ve paid
up what I owe, which will swallow up every penny I had
intended for the dinner.
Ok, that's easily got over, I said. Ask them to dine
here instead, say •you quite forgot you were engaged to
me, and that I won't let you off, but desire they
accompany you.'
Tm your eternal debtor once more, cried Sydney, and he
rushed off to plead as happy as a butterfly.
I ordered a slap-up dinner for eight from the
neighboring restaurant, and as my Inn dinners were well
known by repute, not one of the invites was missing.
We had a capital dinner, and as Sydney's companions
were a jolly set, I made up my mind for a glorious
evening. Little did I know then how muck more glorious
it was to wind up than ever I had anticipated.
When the cigars and the port came on, and the meeting
was beginning to assume a rather uproarious character,
Sydney proposed that his friend Wheeler should oblige
with a song, and after that gentleman had enquired
whether my fastidiousness would be skocked at anything
ultra drawing-room, and had been assured that nothing
would give me greater pleasure, he began in a rick
clear voice the following:
As Mary, dear Mary, one day was allying,
As Mary, sweet Mary, one day was a-lying,
She spotted her John, at tne door he was spying,
With his tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
And then came the chorus, rolled out by the whole
company, for the refrain was so catcking that I found
myself unconsciously joining in witk-
His tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
Oil Johnny, dear Johnny, now do not come to me,
On Johnny, pray Johnny, on do not come to me,
Or else I m quite certain that you -will undo me,
With your tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
Chorus'- With your tol de riddle, etc
But Johnny, dear Johnny, not liking to look shady,
But Johnny, sweet Johnny, not liking to seem shady.
Why he downed -with his breeches and treated his lad
To his tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
Chorus-- With your tol de riddle, etc
Oh, Johnny, dear Johnny, youll make me cry murder.
Oh, Job nny, pray cease this, youil make me scream
murder.
But she soon changed her note, and she murmured in
further
With your tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
Chorus With your tol de riddle, etc
Now Mary, dear Mary, grew fatter and fatter,
Now Mary s, sweet Mary's plump belly grew fatter,
Which plainly did prove that her John had been at her,
With his tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
Chorus-- With your tol de riddle, etc
MORAL
Now all you young ladies take warning had better,
Nowamorous damsels take warning you'd better,
When you treat John make him wear a French letter,
On his tol de riddle, tol de riddle, lol de rol lay.
The singing of this song, which I was assured was quite
original, was greeted "with loud plaudits, then one of
the young gentlemen volunteered a recitation, which ran
as follows:
On the hanks of a silvery river,
A youth and a maiden reclined;
The youth could he scarce twenty summers,
The maiden some two years behind.
Full up and a neck -well developed,
That youth's ardent nature hespoke,
And he gazed on that virtuous maiden
With a look she could hardly mistake.
But the innocent glance of that virgin
Betokened that no guile she knew,
Though he begged in hold tones of entreaty,
She still wouldn't take up the cue.
He kissed her and prayed and heseeched her,
No answer received in reply,
Till his fingers were placed on her bosom.
And he crossed his leg over her thigh.
Then she said, 1 can never, no never,
Consent to such deeds until wed;
You may try though the digital process,
That maiden so virtuous said.
And he drew her still closer and closer,
His hand quick placed under her clothes,
And her clitoris youthful he tickled,
Till that maiden excited arose.
Tuck me now, dear, oh, fuck me, she shouted,
Tuck me now, fuck me now, or I die.'
1 can t, I have spent in my breeches,
Was that youth's disappointing reply.
Monsignor Peter had, after an infinite amount of
persuasion, given me the address where Pinero Balsam
was to be obtained, and I had laid in a decent stock of
it, for though each small bottle cost a sovereign, I
felt morally sure that it was the nearest approximation
to the mythical elixir vitae of the ancients that we
moderns had invented. Some of this I had secretly
dropped into the port wine, and the effect upon my
Quests had already become very pronounced.
I say, Clinton,' said the Junior of the party, who had
only passed a month before, and who might be just
turned twenty, your dinner was splendid, your tipple
has a bouquet suck as my inexperience has never
suggested. Have you any thing in the shape of
petticoats about half so good? If so, give me a look
in.'
The youth was rapidly getting maudlin and randy; just
then came a faint rap at the door. It was the old woman
who swept and garnished the diggings'.
I thought I might find Mr. Mitchell here, sir, she said
apologetically, heres a telegram come for him. And
curtsying, the old girl vanished, glad to escape the
fumes of wine and weed which must have nearly choked
her.
No bad news, I hope, I said.
Not at all, said Sydney. What's the time?
Nearly 8:30, I replied, consulting my chronometer.
Then I shall have to leave you fellows at nine; my
married sister Fanny arrives at Euston from the north
on the 9.30.
What a pity! Said the callow junior, if it were a
sweetheart now one might be overjoyed at your good
fortune-but a sister!'
Is it the handsome one? put in Wheeler.
"Yes," said Sydney, showing us the face in a locket,
the only piece of jewellery he boasted. There was a
silence as all clustered around the likeness.
By Jove, said Tom Mallow, the rouge of the party, if I
had a sister like that I should go clean staring mad to
think she wasn't some other fellows sister, so that I
might have a fair and reasonable chance.
I said nothing, but I fell in love with that face to
suck an extent that I felt there was nothing I would
not do to possess the owner.
I, of course, presented a calm exterior, and under the
guise of a host who knew his duty, plied them with a
rare old port, and proposed toast after toast and
health after health, until I had the satisfaction of
seeing in less than three-quarters of an hour, every
member of the crew so dead drunk that I felt I could
afford to leave the chambers without any fear of a
mishap; then rolling the recumbent Sydney over, for he
was extended prone upon the hearth-rug, I subtracted
the wire from his pocket and saw that his sister's name
was Lady Fanny Twisser.
Oh, I said, a light breaking in upon me, this then is
the girl Sydney's plotting mother married to a rich
baronet old enough to be her grandfather; this doubles
my chances, and locking the door I made my way into the
street. It was 9.19, and I was a mile and a quarter
from the station. Hansom!
'Yes, sir.
'A guinea if you can drive me to Euston Station in ten
minutes.'
That man earned his guinea
THE EFFECTS OF SHELLFISH
CHAPTER 10
From the booking office I emerged on to the arrival
platform, and hailing a superior-looking porter, placed
a sovereign in his hand, whispering in his ear-
The train coming in the distance contains a Lady
Twisser; engage a good cab, put all her luggage on it,
and if I should happen to miss the lady, as I might do
in this crowd, conduct me to her.
He obeyed my instructions au pied de la lettre, and in
less than two minutes I was shaking hands on the
strength of a self-introduction with Lady Fanny.
I explained that her brother was engaged in
consultation with a senior counsel at the bar, and
that, had it not been a very important case, he would
have met her in person, but my instructions were that
she was to come to his chambers, where he would
probably be by the time we arrived.
Lady Fanny's portrait had by no means exaggerated her
loveliness.
A stately Grecian nose and finely cut lips suggested to
me that she was a mare that might shy, but then her
soft, brown, dreamy eyes told a sweeter tale, and I
leaned back in the cab and almost wished I had not
touched the Pinero cordial, for I was in momentary fear
of spending in my trousers.
This, I think, is your first visit to London.
Scarcely, she replied, in a voice whose gentle music
made my heart bound, I came up with my husband six
months ago to be presented , but we only stayed the
day. London is a splendid city, I rejoined, so full of
life and gaiety, and the shops and bazaars are always
replete with every knick-knack; for ladies it must seem
a veritable paradise.
Lady Fanny only sighed, which I thought strange, but
before my cogitations could take form we were at my
chambers.
Tied not my boxes better be sent to some hotel? Said
Lady Fanny. I am, of course, only going to make a call
here.
'Yes,' I returned, that is all arranged, and tipping
the cabman handsomely, I directed him to take them to a
quiet hotel in Norfolk Street, Strand, and conducted
her ladyship to her brothers rooms.
Here I left her for a few moments to see after my
drunken guests, but found them all snoring peacefully,
some on the floor, others on chairs and sofas, but all
evidently settled for the night.
After knocking at Sydney's door I again entered his
sitting-room, but found it empty.
Damn it, I thought to myself, the bird hasn't flown, I
hope.
My ears were at this moment saluted with the gurgling
which signaled that her ladyship was relieving herself
in the adjoining apartment, and I quietly sat down and
awaited her return.
On seeing me she started and turned as red as a full-
blown peony, the flower being a simile suggested by the
situation, and said, I had no idea, Mr. Clinton, that-'
Pray, Lady Fanny, do not mention it; I know exactly
what you were about to say.
Indeed? "Yes, you as a matter of fact didn't know what
to say, because you thought I heard you-a-hem-in the
next room-but, my dear Lady Fanny, in London we are not
so particular as the koudenisk country folks, and as an
old friend of your brother's you will pardon my saying
that I do not think you have treated me overly well.
Treated you- really,, Mr. Clinton, you amaze me; pray
what have I done?
Hather, my dear Lady Fanny, what have you left undone.'
Nothing, I hope, she said hastily, looking down as
though she expected to see a petticoat or a garter
falling off.
"No, I don't mean anything like that, I said, coming
closer to her, until the flame which shot from my eyes
appeared to terrify her, and she moved towards the
bedroom, as if to take refuge there.
Now this was the very height of my ambition; I knew
once in that apartment all struggles and cries would be
of little avail, for the walls were thick, the windows
high, and there was no other door save the one she was
gradually backing into.
What does this conduct mean, Mr. Clinton? Said the
lovely girl. I surely am in my brother's chambers, and
with his friend, for he has often written and told me
of your kindness to him. You are not an impostor, one
of those dreadful men of whom one reads in romances,
who would harm a woman?'
No, I said. Lady Fanny, do not mistake the ardour of
devotion for any sinister motive, but sit down, after
your fatiguing journey, while I order in some
refreshment.
Doublu. Locking the door, on the principle of safe
bind, safe find, I gave an order to the restaurateur
around the corner which astonished that gentleman, and
in less than ten minutes I had overcome Fanny's
scruples, got her to take off her moire mantle and
coquettisk bonnet, and had placed before her a bijou
supper in five courses such as I knew would make a
country demoiselle open her eyes.
Good gracious me, said Lady Fanny, does my brother
always live like this? li so, I am not at all surprised
at his frequent requisitions on my purse.
'Yes,' I said nonchalantly, this is generally our
supper. Permit me. And I poured out a glass of
champagne, taking care, however, that six drops of
Pinero had been placed in the glass.
A DISAPPOINTED WIFE'S FIRST TASTE OF BLISS
CHAPTER 11
The effect was really magical, for her conversation,
hitherto so constrained, became gay and lively, and as
this vivacity added to her other charms, I grew more
and more enamoured of her.
What capital ousters these are, she said, swallowing
her ninth native.
*Yes, I said, in your Cheshire home you would find it
difficult to procure such real beauties.
We should, indeed, she replied, and for the matter of
that it is perhaps Letter that shellfish are so scarce
with us, and she heaved another sigh.
This beautiful woman is decidedly a conundrum, I
thought, but determined to probe the puzzle, I enquired
the meaning of her last remark.
She blushed and simpered, and then fixing her eyes on
her plate said, I have always understood that shellfish
are exciting, and stimulate the passions.
That is perfectly correct, I retorted, and therefore
all the more reason why a married lady should patronize
them.
She sighed again, and then at last I guessed the
reason.
Fool that I was not to have divined it before this
time. Hope now was succeeded by certainty.
After disposing of some chicken and another glass of
champagne, into which I had dropped some more balsam,
she sank back into the armchair and murmured-
Tiow long do you think my brother's consultation is
likely to last? Pray Leaven, I ejaculated fervently,
that it man last all the night through.
Why do you say that, Mr. Clinton?'
Because to see you and to listen to your voice is
ravishing delight, which to dispel would seem to me the
precursor of death. And I flung myself upon my knees
before her, and seizing her hand pressed it to my lips
and covered it with burning kisses.
She gently tried to withdraw it, and pointing to her
wedding ring, said- Dear Mr. Clinton, I am a wife, have
pity on me, I am but a weak woman and-
But I caught her in my arms, and stifled the rest of
the sentence with a long and ardent embrace, which,
repulsed at first, was at length returned.
Two seconds afterwards, my finger had softly insinuated
itself into her willing cunt, and as it encountered the
clitoris I found that it was as stiff as my own penis,
which was now at the bursting point.
Oh, Mr. Clinton, for God's sake forbear. If my brother
should come in there would be blood spilled, I should
be lost.
Fear nothing, my darling, I said, rubbing her vagina
with the point of my finger, and feeling the beginning
of the pearly trickle exuding all over my hand.
Come this way. And leading her ladyship by the hand,
never, however, leaving hold of her sweet cunt the
while, I placed her on her own brothers bed, and, oh,
how can I write further, since to say that she was
superb is but faintly to describe the joy I felt as
straightening my throbbing prick, I gently slipped it
into her. She gave one loud sign, then lilted her
strong country arse so that I plunged in up to the
hilt. At each thrust I gave her ladyship she responded
with a promptitude, which showed how fresh and spunky
her vigorous constitution was.
Go on, my own precious, she whispered, as I put my
tongue into her panting hot mouth. Taster, for Christ's
sake, faster.
And as she said the words I shot into her a discharge
which must have clean emptied my cods, for although
Fanny still faintly struggled to elicit some more, the
last lingering spark of vitality appeared to have flown
from me.
I did not seem to have even the strength left to take
it out, but lay there on her rounded breasts (for she
had undone her clothes before commencing), supine and
nerveless.
Do try again, love, she murmured, toning with my hair.
'You will never guess, dear Mr. Clinton, what this has
been to me, my old husband never did such a thing, he
always uses a beastly machine, shaped like that which
is in me now, but made of gutta-percha, and filled with
warm oil and milk.
You mean a dildo, dear?
I have never heard its name, said Fanny, but it is
nothing near so nice as this dear sweet thing of yours.
Oh! I never knew what real happiness was before; could
you manage it once more? And again her ladyship
wriggled her bottom.
In my waistcoat pocket I had a petite flask of Pinero.
I took this out and, removing the stopper, drank about
half a teaspoonful; the result was electrical. Drawing
my prick nearly out of my lady's passage, I found it
swelling again; and just giving the potent charm time
to work, I softly began once more. It mag almost seem
romantic, but I can assure my readers that the second
kick was more enjoyable than the first.
For having made coition a long study, I have always
found, that, given a cool brain, I can get more
pleasure out of a slow connection than a gallopade,
where the excitement gets the business over before you
can absolutely realise the details.
I revel in slow friction, gradually warming up to fever
heat, and quite agree with that exquisite stanza of the
immortal native of Natal -
Who was poking a Hottentot gal,
and who, upon being remonstrated with thus-
Said she, Ok! you sluggard,'
replied most correctly-
Tou be buggered,
I like kicking slow, and I snail.'
To resume. We both seemed to be so au courant of each
other's little ways and modes of action as though we
had mutually performed the fandango de pokum for years,
instead of only a few short minutes.
Presently, to vary the bliss, and to give her ladyship
a few wrinkles, I suggested her mounting me, ala St.
George.
But she begged of me not to take it out, and on my
assuring her that was by no means a necessary
concomitant, she agreed.
I have always been distinguished as being particularly
au fait with the St George, so I managed to roll over
very gradually, first one leg and then the other, till
I had got Fanny fairly planted on top of me. But I had
gauged her ladyships cunt power at too low an estimate,
for she no sooner found herself mistress of the
situation than she took in the position at a glance,
and ravished me with such terrible hinges that I fairly
cried a 'go'.
But nothing daunted, Fanny held on, and I stood no more
chance of getting my poor used-up torch' out of her
vagina than if it had been wedged into a vice.
At last I felt the hot crane de la creme pouring down
over my balls, and with a last despairing gasp of
mingled pleasure and regret to think she could hold out
no longer, Fanny once more sank into my arms about as
thoroughly spent as a woman should be who has been most
damnably twice fucked in a quarter of an hour.
Hastily putting on her things, and making herself
shipshape, she drove with me to the hotel, where her
boxes had arrived safely, and in the morning I informed
her brother, as I had previously arranged with Fanny,
that she had sent a messenger to his chambers
overnight, saying where she was to be found.
I also told him how I had excused him in a return
message by the hotel porter, and his gratitude to me
knew no bounds.
I deemed it prudent not to see her ladyship during her
stay in town, though she sent me three pressing
letters, but I feared we should be bowled out, and
wrote her so.
Twelve months after this I heard she had separated from
her husband, having presented him, nine months from
that blissful evening, with a son and heir, which the
old man, not believing in miracles, could scarcely
altogether credit the dildo with.
THE INFLUENCE OF FINERY
CHAPTER 12
Now my next essay was of a totally different character,
and may, perhaps, be stigmatised by the fastidious
reader as an escapade, degrading to one whose last
liaison had been with the wife of a baronet, but to
tell the truth, and judging cunt from a strictly
philosophical standpoint, there is so little difference
between a chambermaid and a countess, that it would
take a very astute individual indeed to define it. It
is, perhaps, true, that the countesss opening man be,
by frequent ablutions, kept sweeter, and the frangipani
on her ladyships fine cambric chemisette man possibly
make the entrance more odoriferous for a tongue lick,
but Dr Johnson's admirable impromptu definition will
apply to the vagina of a Malay an or a Chinese girl
equally with that of our own country women. He said, if
you remember, on the occasion when poor Oliver
Goldsmith was troubled with the venereal, and came to
him for sympathy-
Cunt, and what of it?
A nasty, skmtj, slobbery slit,
Hair an inch between arse and it;
If the bridge were to break,
y a would be covered with ~
I have already in the course of this narrative
mentioned the duenna who cleaned my chambers. She was a
cast-off mistress of one of the old sergeants of the
Inn, who had procured her this situation for life, and
supplemented it with a small allowance, which enabled
her to live in comparative comfort.
Two of her bastard daughters were married, and a
younger one, the pretty one as she called her, had just
returned home from boarding school, wkitker the old
woman by dint of careful frugality had managed to send
her. She was barely turned sixteen, as upright as a
dart, had a fine kill face, with plenty of colour in
it, and a form so shapely that I scarcely gave credence
to the mother's statement that she was only sixteen.
The old woman was very garrulous, annoyingly so
sometimes, but on the subject of her darling daughter I
used to let her tongue run on till further orders.
'She's a fine, strapping wench, sir, just the kind of
girl I was at her a&e, though I think if anything she's
a trifle more plump than I was.
Tes, by God, and so should I, was my involuntary
exclamation, as I looked at the aged f rump's wizened f
eatures.
I don't know what I shall do with her, muttered her
mother. I shall have to send her to service; this place
won't keep two of us, and not only that, sir, I've been
thinking that its hardly the thing for a giddy girl
like her to be brought into contact with gentlemen like
you.
Of course the mother was thinking of her own youthful
transgressions with the sergeant, so I merely remarked
that I was surprised such thoughts should run in her
head, but I inwardly resolved that come what might I
would see if a girl of sixteen with such a full fleshy
face had got a cunt to match.
Noticing that the daughter was fond of dress, I bought
a small parcel of ribbons one day at the draper's, and
had them addressed to her without saying a word as to
my having sent them.
The following morning I met her on the stairs, gaily
decked out, and I asked her where she was going.
Only for a walk in this silly old inn, she replied I
have a beau, sir, an unknown beau, who has sent me all
these beautiful ribbons, and a lot more besides, and I
thought by going out he might see that I had
appreciated his gift, that is if he were watching for
me, she added, with an arch smile. That's right, my
girl, perhaps he will send you something else; by the
way, what is your name:
Gerty, said the young lady, smiling.
Well, Gerty, you'll excuse my saying so, but that
splendid ribbon with which -you have decorated -your
hat, makes the hat look quite shabby.
Alas! sir, I know it, but Mother is poor, and I can't
afford to buy another one just net.
If -you'd promise not to tell your mother-promise me
sacredly not on any account to tell her-I will take you
to a shop where I saw a lovely one yesterday that would
suit your style admirably, and I shall be only too
happy to purchase it for you.
Oh! Sir, -you are very kind, but I could not impose-'
Tut, child, don't speak like that, but go out into the
street and walk to the comer of Great Turnstile, and I
-will join you in three minutes.'
Of course I did this to avoid observation. Presently I
went out myself, and took her to the very draper's
where I had bought the ribbon.
Good-morning, sir, I have now got that particular shade
of ribbon you wanted yesterday.
The cat was out of the bag; Gerty glanced quickly up at
me, and I saw I was discovered.
So you are the unknown beau,' she whispered, well, I am
surprised.
And, I hope, pleased, too, Gerty?
Well, I hardly know, she said, "but what about the hat?
To cut a long story short I rigged her up from top to
toe, and before I left the shop I had expended nearly
£20 on her.
How on earth am I to account for having this to Mother?
Well have it sent like the ribbons, and, of course, you
can't form a guess where it came from. The shop people
must put no address inside. And giving all the
necessary instructions, I shook hands with Gertrude and
bade her good-morning.
In the evening a gentle tap at my door ushered in the
noting lady herself, who, closing it softin after her,
said-
Those things have come, sir, and Mother went on like
anything, but I vowed I didn't know who had sent em, so
she told me in that case Id better thank God, and say
no more about it.'
Then it's all right, I said, looking intently at her
large, rounded bust, which, confined as it was by a
tightly-fitting dress, showed itself to singular
advantage.
Tm afraid, sir,' she said, that I didn't thank you
sufficiently this morning, and so I thought as mother
has gone down to Peckham to see her brother, Id call in
and do it now.'
My dear Gertrude,' I said, 'there's only one way of
showing your gratitude to me, and that way you are as
yet I fear too young to understand. Come here, my dear.
I was sitting by a blazing coal fire, and although I
had not lit the gas the light was ample; she stepped
forward and seemed, as I thought, rather timorous in
her manner.
My dear Gerty, I said, placing my arm around her waist,
you are heartily welcome to what my poor purse can
afford. As for those pretty matters I purchased today,
one kiss from those pouting lips will repay me a
thousand fold And so saying I lifted her on to my knee
and kissed her repeatedly.
At first she tried to disengage herself, but soon I
found my caresses were not unwelcome. Presently I began
undoing the buttons of her frock, and although she
fought against it at first, she gradually allowed
herself to be convinced, and as her swelling bubs
disclosed themselves to my view I felt transported.
Oh! Mr. Clinton, you will ruin me, I'm sure you will.
Prau stop where you are, and do not go any further.'
Her beautiful little nipples, as the firelight threw
them into relief on her lily-white breasts, looked like
a pair of twin cherries, and before she could prevent
me, my mouth had fastened on one, and I sucked it
avidly.
'Oh! Mr. Clinton, I shall faint. Do let me go. I never
felt any thing like this in my life.
My darling, I said, suddenly placing my prick in her
hand, did you ever feel any thing like that?
Her thumb and fingers clutched it with a nervous clasp,
and I felt that her hands were moist with the hot dew
of feverish perspiration. Before, however, I could
prevent her, or, indeed, fathom her motives, she had
slid from my grasp, and was kneeling on the floor
between my extended legs.
What is the matter, Gerty dear? I said
I got no answer, but the hand which still held my penis
was brought softly forward, her mouth opened, and
drawing back my foreskin, she tongued me with a sweet
suck that almost drove me frantic. For at least two
minutes I lay Lack in the armchair, my brain in a
delirium of delight, until, unable to bear it any
longer, for she bad begun to rack me oil, I got my
prick away, pushed back the armchair, and with mad,
and, I man add, stupid haste, broke her maidenhead, and
spent in her at the same instant with suck iorce that
for the moment I expected (contrary to all anatomical
knowledge) to see the sperm spurting out of her mouth.
It would be unjust to Gertrude were I to accuse her of
want of reciprocity, for my heartk-rug gave ample good
proof that she was by no means wanting in juice, since
to say it was swamped would be but mildly to describe
its condition.
Hardly had Gertrude wiped out her fanny, and just as I
was in the act of pouring her out a glass of brandy and
water, to prevent the reaction which in a maid so young
might, I thought, possibly set in, when, without
announcing her entrance, the mother rushed into the
room like a tigress. She had returned to ietch her
latchkey.
So this is what I brought you up for like a lady, is
it, she began; and this is the conduct of a gentleman
that I thought was a real gentleman. Don't deny it, you
brazen bitch,' she continued, seeing that Gertrude was
about to try a lame explanation, for she was quick-
witted enough. I've got a nose of my own, and ii ever
there was a maidenhead cooked its been done in this
room since I've been out. Why, even the staircase
smells fishy. I discard you forever. Perhaps the
gentleman, laying a sneering stress on the word, now
that has ruined you, will keep you. And she bounced out
of the room.
I took the old woman at her word, and rented a little
cottage at Kew, where I kept Gerty in style for about
three months, and should have done so to the end of the
chapter ii I had not caught her one Saturday afternoon
in flagrante delicto with one of the leading members of
the London Rowing Club; so I gave her a cheque for
£100, and she started as a dressmaker, or something of
the kind, at which business she has I understand done
very well.
A PARAGON OF VIRTUE
CHAPTER 13
One morning, as the summer was waning, and August
warned us to flee from town, De Vaux called upon me at
my new chambers (for prudence had suggested my removal
from my late quarters) and found me dozing over a prime
Cabana, and the latest chic book from Mr. - , the
renowned smut purveyor.
Glad to see you, said De Vaux. My friend Leveson has
asked me down to Oatlands Hallfor a week's shooting,
and wishes me to bring a friend. Will you come?
Is there anything hot and hollow about,' I asked, for
to tell you the truth, my boy, knocking over the grouse
is a very pleasant occupation, but unless there is some
sport of another kind on as well, the game is not worth
the candle.
Clinton, you. are incorrigible. I never remember having
met suck an incurable cunt-kunter in my life. Well,
there may be some stray stuff dropping in while we are
there, but I warn you not to try it with Mrs. Leveson,
for though she might give you the idea at a first
glance that she was fast and frivolous, she's in
reality as true as steel to her husband, and I would
not give a brass farthing for the chance of the veriest
Adonis that ever stood in a pair of patent leather
boots.
I should immensely like to have a slap at this dreadful
Diana of yours, De Vaux Is she a beauty ?
De Vaux sighed heavily.
I was hard kit myself in that quarter once, he said,
but it was no go. Her eyes are wandering orbs, like a
gypsy s. She has the finest set of teeth I ever saw in
my life, and a form, well-Id rather not go into it, for
it upsets me. I'd rather go into it, for my part, I
said, laughing. Why, you're a very Strephon, De Vaux,
in your poetic keep-at-a-distance style of admiring
this divinity. Did you seriously try it on, now, left
no stone unturned, eh?
1 did, indeed, said De Vaux, Loth before and after she
was married, but it was love's labour lost. I got my
hand on her leg once, and she froze me with a few curt
words, and wound up by telling me if I did not
instantly go back to town, and foist some lying excuse
on Leveson for going, she would expose me mercilessly,
and by God, Clinton, I am sufficiently learned in
womankind to know when they mean a thing and when they
do not.
Really, I must see this paragon of yours, De Vaux. The
more obstacles there are in me way, the better a
Philosopher in Cunt enjoys it
'You can come with me and welcome, Clinton, but I tell
you candidly, Mrs. Leveson is beyond your reach or that
of any other man. She is simply ice.
Dut, my dear De Vaux, ice can be made to thaw!
Not the ice of the poles.
Yes, even that, if you apply sufficient heat. Bah! my
friend, I'll wager you twelve dozen of my finest
Chateau Margaux to that emerald pin you wear, for which
I have often longed, that I will fuck your pearl of
chastity before this day week.
The bet was instantly accepted; although I had
previously offered him £50 for his pin and he had
refused to part with it, still he felt no danger in the
present instance, and went home and probably drank in
his imagination half of my wine in anticipation.
Clinton my boy, I said, apostrophizing my prick as I
got into bed that evening, if you don't disturb her
ladyships ice-bound repose before many nights Lave gone
over your proud red Lead man you he damned to all
eternitn, and, in response, my noble, and, I man add,
learned friend, perked himself up straight, and though
he didn't speak, his significant and conceited nod
assured me that he at any rate had no misgivings.
OTHER GAME PREFERRED TO GROUSE
CHAPTER 14
We arrived at Oatlands Hall about five o'clock in the
afternoon, after a delightful journey, for it was the
lltk of August and the mellow corn just fully ripened
for the sickle greeted our city-worn eyes all along the
line. So really picturesque was the view that I lost
several opportunities of getting well on with a buxom
noting chit who wanted kicking worse than anything in
petticoats ever did between London and York.
De Vaux slept most of the wan, and if without
committing murder I could have got the girl's mother
out of the carriage window, I should certainly have
landed a slice of sixteen, for she could not have been
over that a&e.
Leveson was a very jolly fellow, about thirty-eight or
forty, and Airs Leveson, a really grand creature, was
at least ten to twelve years his junior, but although
De Vaux had prepared me for something above the
ordinary, I must confess the reality far surpassed my
expectations.
rigurez-vous, as our lively neighbors would put it, a
sweet smiling Juno with an oval face, coloured prettily
by nature's own palette, and a pair of highly arched
eyebrows surrounding eyes so dazzling in their lustrous
black that I fell a victim to the very first glance.
Poor De Vaux seemed half in doubt, half dread, for this
was the first time he had seen her since the fiasco.
She, however, stretched out her hand and welcomed him
cordially.
We had a fine, old-fashioned country dinner, and then
Mrs. Leveson proposed a stroll around the grounds. She
took great pride in the garden and orchard, and the
exquisite fascination of her manner as she described
lucidly all the various differences between plants,
shrubs, greenery, exotics, and all the thousand and one
trifles that interest a botanical student showed me
that she was no ordinary woman. Again I was compelled
to silent admiration when we walked through the
stables, which Caligula's could scarcely have excelled
for cleanliness, and as she patted the horses in their
boxes I envied them, for they neighed and whinnied with
delight at her very touch.
I was glad when she and her husband had gone into the
house, and left De Vaux and me to finish our smoke
alone.
Well, he said, what do you think of her?
Think of her,' I muttered, Id rather not think of her,
she has excited me to such an extent that if I don't
get into something in the house I shall really have to
go into the village and seek out an ordinary pros.
Well, my dear boy, then you'd better do that at once,
for unless some of the chambermaids are amenable, I'm
perfectly certain that you've no time to lose. You
might as well dream of fucking the moon as Mrs.
Leveson. She's quite as chaste and just as
unattainable.
That be damned, I said De Vaux's constant reiteration
of this Dulcinea's chastity was gall and wormwood to
me.
We were the only guests who had arrived for the 12th,
and as grouse shooting meant getting up at dawn, we had
one rubber at whist, and retired to bed early.
On the first floor of this large old mansion there were
at least a dozen rooms. My own bedroom door immediately
faced our host and hostess's; De Vaux slept in the next
room to mine.
How frightfully hot it is, said Leveson. I should say
were bound to have some rain.
I hope not, I said, for it will spoil our morning,
though this temperature is simply insufferable. I had
been all around the world in my father's yacht, and had
spent a considerable time in the tropics, but never
remembered suck an intense dry heat.
Taking with me to bed a French novel I had picked out
of the library shelves, and getting the servant to
bring in a large glass of lemonade, I was soon asleep,
in spite of the heat, though I had to forgo sheets,
blanket and counterpane, and simply slept in my
nightskirt.
In the gray of the morning I was aroused, and could
scarcely believe my eyes. There was a young woman
standing by the side of the bed, and I recognised her
as the shapely lass who had taken my portmanteau
upstairs the previous evening.
I have always had an unpleasant habit in my sleep of
twisting and turning until my skirt tucks up under my
armpits. Thus it appeared that, as this hot night had
proved no exception to the rule, Hannak, for suck was
the filly's name, had knocked at the door to awaken me,
but receiving no response, and fearing she should get
into trouble if I overslept myself, had opened the
door, and the sight of my magnificent prick had simply
transfixed her so that she stood there like one
bewitched.
I rubbed my eyes once more, then sprang up, and before
the girl could, like a frightened fawn, reach the door,
I had gently but firmly closed it, and set my back
against it.
Ok! Mr. Clinton, missis would be so angry if she heard
me in here.
Has your mistress been called yet?
TSfo sir.'
Have you aroused Mr. De Vaux?
Not yet' 'Who knows then of your being here?
The cook, sir, and she's a spiteful old thing as hates
gentlemen, because then don't never look at her.
I said, 'didn't I hear you called that name last night?
Yes sir; please let me go downstairs.
Hannah, is there light enough for you to see this? and
I quietly raised my nightshirt.
Oh, Mr. Clinton, how can you be so rude!
"Now, look here, Hannah, we needn't mince words. Your
mistress doesn't know of your being here, but if you
cry out she's bound to know it, and of course you'll
get sacked for being found in a gentleman's bedroom. I
shan't be blamed for truing to get into a girl who
actually comes to ask me for it.
But, my God, I haven't sir.'
No, but don't you see that is what I should be obliged
to say if any awkward questions were put to me.
Oh! please sir, I'll never come into your bedroom
again, sir, indeed I wont.
My dear Hannah, I said, I hope you will every night of
my stay, but I must have my first taste now.
With a sudden movement I caught her in my arms and
threw her down on the bed.
The silly stupid fool struggled with the strength of a
giantess, and I saw that it was going to be a fair
fight for it. This is what I enjoy, provided the
struggle is not too exhausting, and in this case it was
fortunately only of sufficient duration to give the
proper zest, for no sooner in the course of her efforts
to keep my hand away from her fanny had her own touched
the top of my splitting jock, than she was powerless as
a kitten.
I will not dilate upon my Kick with Hannah, for she was
in too I frightened a state to give me muck pleasure at
that time.
I have, however, under more favourable conditions,
since amused myself with her during a spare hall-hour,
and although her cunt has not got that tenacity of grip
which distinguished Lady Fanny, for example, uet the re
was that general spunkiness about her linal throw- oil
which places her in the front rank for one of her
station of life.
Again to quote dear old Sam: A man's imagination is not
so inflamed with a chambermaid as a countess, and
besides, Hannah was not a maid, the coachman having
settled her task about six months before.
CHECKED AT FIRST
CHAPTER 15
Alter our bout, Hannah kissed me and bolted off, and I
drank a tumbler of water with a few drops of balsam in
it and, feeling none the worse for my affaire par
basard, at once joined the shooting party.
I did a fair share of bagging, though the birds were
scarcely wild enough to suit my taste.
I hate the fashionable battue business of today, but do
not mean to imply that it was anything like that, for I
am speaking of more than twenty years ago, but still
Leveson's keepers had fed them too well, and they
scarcely rose to the tramp of a foot near their cover.
We returned to the hail for luck, and Mrs. Leveson
enquired as to the results of our mornings work We told
her it had been fair, but I half hinted at my
preference for seeing a bit of the country, as I was a
fickle sportsman, and one morning's shooting was enough
for me. She, without a moment's hesitation, offered to
become my cicerone and, procuring two horses from the
stable, we sallied forth together.
TMow, you must be my mentor in every thing, please,
Mrs. Leveson, I told her. I must admit to being
dreadfully ignorant of country matters.
We rode fully fifteen miles, and although I felt my way
cautiously, I began to see there was an iron barrier
between us which would probably prove impassable.
The instant there was the slightest hint or suggestion,
which implied a double entente her cheek flushed, and
she looked fully in my face with her sparkling eyes,
and a gaze of steady searching frankness as if to say,
Do my ears deceive me, or are you trying to insult me?
Damn it, I thought, James Clinton, you've met your
match this time. And a still small voice never left off
whispering, See what the balsam will do, try a few
drops of it. But I never got the opportunity, and as we
cantered down the broad gravel walk that led to the
front lawn, she with her lace flushed with the
excitement of riding, mine flushed also, but with the
excitement of a Tiorn which I now had the satisfaction
of knowing could be relieved without quitting the
mansion, De Vaux met
us.
'Well,' he said in an undertone to me, after he had
assisted Mrs. Leveson to dismount, Tiow does the bet
stand?
'Blast the bet, I said, I'll give you six dozen to let
me off.
He laughed and said he would take one hundred and
forty-three bottles, and leave me the other to get
drunk upon and drown my disappointment.
FORTUNEFAVOURS THE BRAVE
CHAPTER 16
Hannah did not come up to my room that night, though
she had promised to; still the weather was again so
damned hot that I was in one sense rather glad of it.
About four a.m, however, she came up to call the
indefatigable sportsmen, but Leveson had already risen,
and had entered my room in his skirt and trousers, so
that when Hannah gently opened my door she was
petrified at finding her master there trying to
persuade me to go with them.
What the devil do you mean, you minx, by coming into a
gentleman's room without knocking first?
I immediately interposed, and told him what a sound
sleeper I was, and spoke of the difficulty the girl had
experienced the previous morning.
Mr. De Vaux is up, so you needn't trouble to call him,
and you needn't bring up any coffee to your mistress,
for she's as sound asleep as a rock. So you won't come,
Clinton?
Not this morning, old boy; I'm deuced tired and sleepy.
Very well, then,' he said, I suppose we must manage
without you. And presently I heard both the noble
sportsmen quietly taking their departure.
I at first tried to compose myself to sleep, but found
it impossible, for my prick had become a cursed
encumbrance. the advent of Hannak had excited it to
start with, and now there was the tantalising fact that
within a few yards of me was lying the lady of the
mansion, yet, in respect to approachability, as far off
as if she had been at the Antipodes.
Still the old proverb of faint heart never winning fair
lady came to my rescue, and I quietly arose and softly
opened my door, just to see if there was a ghost of a
chance. As I previously mentioned, my room faced that
of Mr. and Mrs. Leveson's. Judge then my delight when I
saw that my host had actually, and I presumed by
inadvertence, left his door ajar.
Stealthily and silently as a cat I crossed the
corridor, scarcely daring to breathe, and pushing the
door open, inch by inch, I put my head inside.
The re, lying on the bed with nothing but a sheet to
cover her splendid form, was the woman for whose
possession I so madly longed, but the knowledge that
her chastity was an insuperable bar to the ordinary
preliminaries of a fair kick suggested my attempting
the siege in another fashion.
Stooping down and going on all f ours, I approached the
bedside, and gently lifting up one end of the sheet I
revealed her naked form, for, like me, she had got her
night-chemise rolled up as far as her titties. Her legs
were lying temptingly open and, as little by little I
worked myself under the sheet, my face drew nearer to
the lovely little cunt whose pouting lips looked fit to
be kissed.
Gradually, and without sufficient movement to alarm or
even awaken my sleeping beauty, I got my head well
between her legs.
She did move once, and passed her hand down over my
head, murmuring the while -
Ok George, wait until morning. And as I remained
perfectly quiet, she dozed off again.
Presently I got well into position, and putting out my
tongue, gave the lips a gentle lick. I could feel that
there was a slight tremor, but as that was only the
natural effect of the electro biology, I knew that she
was not yet awake.
Another lick, this time a trifle further in, and the
next second I plunged my tongue far up, until it
touched the clitoris. She was instantly awake. Ok
George darling, it is years since you did tkis. Why,
you dog, you haven't thought of such a thing since our
honeymoon.'
I renewed my licking, trusting her splendid thighs
aside (though, in reality, there was no need to thrust,
for she opened them as far as ever she could until my
tongue was in right up to the root, and I found from
the rapid up and down movement of her bottom that,
unless I speedily withdrew it, she would most certainly
come.
In my excitement I muttered my darling, and she,
hearing a strange voice, threw back the sheet, and I
suppose looked down.
She must have seen at a glance that it was not her
husband, for she put her hands on my head, and in a low
voice, half anguish, half pleasure, said- Oh, who are
you? How could you?
But the matter had gone too far now to be remedied, and
she must have felt this, for the movement of her arse
continued, and was getting more violent.
I could stand it no longer, so taking out my tongue, I
looked up at her.
I guessed it was you, Mr. Clinton. You are doing a very
wicked thing, but I really must have it now, I can't
wait, and pulling me on to her, she guided my prick to
the already well-greased hole, which was full of
slobber from my own mouth, and with several quick
movements, long thrusts, and about half a dozen
wriggles, we both spent at the same moment.
I believe, had her husband come in at that instant, we
could not possibly have disengaged ourselves from each
others arms, for we lay mere in a transport of bliss,
and I could not help pluming myself on the admirable
savoir-faire I had manifested in my management of the
whole business. 'What on earth made you do this, Mr.
Clinton? said Mrs. Leveson, still holding me and
keeping me in her, with her legs entwined around my
backside, but blushing all the while.
My darling, I said, the moment I saw you I felt that if
I had to commit a rape I should be obliged to enjoy
you, though it cost me my liberty, or indeed, for the
matter of that, my life.
A light movement outside the door attracted our
attention, and hiding me under the sheet, Mrs. Leveson
enquired who was there; to this there was no response,
and we breathed freely again.
My darling, said Mrs. Leveson, looking at me with
beaming eyes, I am so delighted that although I know we
have both committed a great sin, I feel as if the
pleasure had not been too dearly bought, but for fear
of discovery, hurry back to your own room. And kissing
me affectionately, both on mouth and prick, she
prevailed upon me to take my leave of her for the time.
I had no sooner got outside the room and pulled the
door to after me than I was struck dumb with surprise
and fear, for I found my own chamber door open, and I
felt certain that I had not been such a ninny as to
leave it so. I entered the room on tiptoe, in fear and
trembling, and found De Vaux standing by the window,
looking white and thoughtful.
Tiello, I said, what, in the devil's name, brings you
here?
I came back, he replied, to fetch some large shot which
I had in my other shooting pouch.
Well, you've lost your bet, I said triumphantly.
I know it, he gloomily made answer, and what worries me
is I cannot understand it. You are not a better looking
man than I am. Except in the matter of a few thousands
a year and a larger tool, nature, hick and birth have
not favoured you more than me, yet you absolutely mount
a woman you have only known forty-eighty hours, while I
have for three long years tried in the same direction,
and utterly failed. I will let you have the pin
tomorrow.
"But you only saw me coming from her room, how do you
know that I absolutely won the trick?
How do I know? Wky, I opened your door quietly to see
if you were asleep, and finding -you absent I looked
around, and saw Mrs. Leveson's door open. I also heard
you both hard at it, and could not forbear from peeping
in. Ok, what a sight it was; there was she, lovely
thing that she is, rising to every stroke, and I could
see -your long prick actually coming clear out of her,
reculer pour mieux sauter, and then dashing in again
till the sight nearly made a lunatic of me. How in the
name of God did you work it, for it seems to me little
short of miraculous?
I didn't satisfy his curiosity, but left him to ponder
over it, while I wrapped myself up, for the morning was
getting chilly, and fell asleep.
De Vaux proceeded to the battue, but if his shooting
was not superior to his spirits, the birds must have
had a distinctly fine time of it, for if ever there was
a man at a country luncheon table possessed by the
megrims, De Vaux was that individual when I met him a
few hours later.
DEVAUX'S CHAGRIN A PROSTNUTION
CHAPTER17
During the afternoon, as good luck would have it, a
wire from Hull (Oatlands Hall was thirty miles from
that town) came to Mr. Leveson, desiring him to repair
the re to meet an old college chum who was passing
through the sea port en route for Norway. So about five
o'clock we had an early dinner, and wished him goodbye
until the following dan.
Mrs. Leveson had a splendid voice, and as two other
musical friends dropped in later on, we had a most
harmonious evening.
Towards ten o'clock, while I was turning over Mrs.
Leveson's music for her, I seized an opportunity to
whisper-
Shall I come in to you, or will you visit a poor
Lackelor tonight?
The latter, she replied, and blushed up to the roots of
her hair. She had not net learned how to deaden the
qualms of conscience, but she was woman enough to
intimate, very sotto voce, We should be observed if we
whispered any more. Then, aloud, Mr. De Vaux, would you
mind turning over for me, Mr. Clinton is so very
awkward.
This was the cut direct, before three others, too, but
I grinned and bore it.
She did not find you so awkward this morning, Clinton,'
he whispered, as he leisurely took his stand by the
piano, and I passed into the adjoining apartment where
lay a cvit-and-come-again* supper, to which I did ample
justice.
About eleven o'clock, the guests having gone, Mrs.
Leveson bade us both good-night in a stately, formal
wau and retired, and De Vaux and I proceeded to the
billiard-room. I have a proposition to make you, he
said as he was chalking his cue for a game.
I couldn't think what De Vaux's rather serious manner
imported, but at first imagined he was sore at losing
his pin, and as my intrigue had keen so delicious, I
told him I knew what he was about to say, and that he
might keep the heirloom (for I always believed it was
an heirloom); I didn't really want it, and pointed out
that he could salve his conscience in not paying the
bet, as I had won it under circumstances which savoured
of unfairness, but De Vaux stopped me.
Let us sit down,' he said. I hardly feel in the humor
for the green cloth tonight. Listen to me a few
minutes.'
I sat down, curious to know what was coming next.
The pin is yours, Clinton, he said, and I have even
forgotten that I ever possessed suck a thing, but I
wish to speak to you upon another matter.'
My dear De Vaux,' I said, wait until I have lighted
another cigar. Now, fire, away.
'You are, as you justly call yourself, a Cunt
Philosopher; lately I have gone in for arse castigation
a good deal, and the passion that I once had for the
more genuine article I foolishly imagined had died out.
What the devil does all this prelude mean, old man?
Simply this. Three years ago I was seriously, nay
madly, in love with Mrs. Leveson. I would have given my
finger tips to possess her, and when I made advances
which were spurned, and eventually proceeded to
extremes which resulted in my being politely told to
make myself scarce, I was cut up more than I have been
in my life, either before or since.
What damned nonsense you are talking, De Vaux.' Tm
speaking the sober truth, Clinton. I accepted Leveson's
invite down here thinking I had got over my foolish
passion, but before I had been in her company ten
minutes I had all the old feeling come back again with
renewed force, and knowing how hopeless was the
endeavour to become possessor of her charms, I made up
my mind to cut short my visit.
What noble, lofty sentiment is this, my worthy friend;
I'll be shot if I can understand it.
When I came in and discovered you this morning, the
first feeling that predominated was rampant jealousy,
and I really believe that, had I not governed myself by
walking hastily away from the scene, I should have shot
both of you.
Damn it, man, the bet was of your own making.
I know it, and I cursed myself as a blasted idiot for
having made it, and then calmer thoughts prevailed.
Now, as you have enjoyed one of the divinest women that
was ever cast in beauty's mould, I want you to do me a
good turn. I have, I think, without wishing to remind
you of obligations rendered, done you one or two
services in the kicking line.
I remembered Lucy, and at once acquiesced.
Tonight, knowing what I did, I watched you and Mrs.
Leveson, and although I heard no words spoken, am quite
sure that at the piano you arranged an assignation.'
'I did'
In your bedroom, or hers?
In my own. Clinton, be a good friend, De Vaux said
earnestly, let me take your place.
She will find you out,' I said, not altogether falling
in with his view, for although I had guessed what he
was leading up to, I didn't quite relish the situation.
What if she does, it will not matter once I am well in
her; she won't cru out, that I can bargain for.
Well, I said, do you propose to work it?
Simply in this wan: I take your bed, you take mine.
Right you are, I said, and I really meant to oblige
poor De Vaux at the time, but I was always a practical
joker, and as I knew Hannah, the dread of her master
having been removed, would be sure to run up within an
hour of my retiring, I looked forward to some fun.
RINGING THE CHANGES
CHAPTER18
We wished each other good-night, exchanging rooms as
agreed, and acting upon my advice, De Vaux extinguished
his candle, for fear of Mrs. Leveson coming in too
soon. I waited to hear him piddle and get into Led, and
then undressing myself, hastily crossed over to my
darling.
She was lying propped up kg the pillows, reading Ovid's
Art of Love, a Look I had seen in the library, and
during the evening had recommended to her.
Dear Mr. Clinton, I thought I was to come to you.
No, my precious, I said, the bed is too narrow, and De
Vaux sleeps so lightly he might hear us.
As I said this I lifted the bedclothes lightly off her,
and found that with natural bashfulness she had gone to
bed in her drawers.
Off with those appendages, my love, I said.
Ok, Mr. Clinton, don't be indecent; my modesty forbids.
Julia, for I had ascertained her name, take off those
stupid kindrances to love's free plan, or wait, let me
take them off for you. And you would have laughed to
have seen me executing this feat, for I lingered so
long around her cunt every time I approached it, that
it took me a good five minutes.
All this time Julia was fairly on fire, for the sight
of my huge prick, as uprigkt as a recruiting sergeant,
would have excited Minerva herself.
Now, my darling, I said, let us have a little
eccentricity. I understand you and your husband want a
youngster; now just tell me, does he ever Lave
connection with you except in the old-fashioned way-
belly to belly?'
"Never Mr. Clinton. How can there be any other method?
Good God, I said, what venal innocence. Look here, my
pet, kneel down as if you were praying for a family.
She did so.
TMow, chick the iron rail at the foot of the Led, and
put the top of your head kard down on this pillow, as
if you were going to try to stand on
it:
My dear Mr. Clinton, why all these preliminaries? I'm
dying for it.
"You shan't have long to wait, my pretty one. For as
she had minutely obeyed my instructions, her fair,
round arse towered high in the bed, and I could just
see the little seam of her vagina peeping at me from
underneath.
Drawing back my foreskin until my best friend's top nut
stood out like a glistening globe, quivering with
excitement, I cautiously approached her, for I would
have it understood, gentle reader, that tyros in
cohabitation should always be cool when engaged in this
particular style of sport.
Straddle y our knees slightly, my sweet one, I
whispered.
For God's sake hasten, Mr. Clinton, this delay is
killing me.
Drawing back once more to allow the candlelight to play
on the spot, so that I could not miss my mark, I thrust
forward, and got the tip well placed for the final
rush, but Julia anticipated me by suddenly squatting
backwards, and for the moment I thought my bollocks and
all had gone in. Then commenced one of the most
memorable kicks in my life's long record, and certainly
one of the most pleasurable.
Even} time I felt the inclination to spend I purposely
stayed myself on the threshold of bliss in order to
prolong.
At last, after Julia had saturated me three times, and
was beginning to get pumped out, I brought all my
forces to the charge, and giving several decisive
lunges, which meant mischief, I fairly bathed her womb
in boiling sperm, and the way that solid queen-like
cunt closed on my prick, and held it as though we twain
were one flesh, convinced me that the estate of
Oatlands would in less than a year been fete, and the
joy bells of the old village steeple would ring out to
tell of a birth at the Manor House.
In the meantime, what had been going on in my own
bedroom?
It had fallen out precisely as I had predicted.
Hannah had sneaked upstairs, and had slid into my bed,
and De Vaux, without speaking, had fucked her with the
dash and genuine passion born of a three years forlorn
hope.
Nor did he discover his mistake even alter it was all
over, for having in his ecstasy shagged her twice in
ten minutes, he allowed her to escape, merely
whispering in her ear that he hoped she had enjoyed it.
Hannah, on the contrary, had found out the imposture
the moment she got De Vaux's prick in her. She had
never felt but two, the coachman's and mine, and De
Vaux's, although long and sinewy, was no match for
either of ours in point of build; still it was better
than not being fucked at all, and as De Vaux's ardent
imagination was riding Mrs. Leveson, the servant got
all the benefit, and not only prudently preserved her
incognito, but lifted her brawny arse in such rare
style that De Vaux was more than satisfied In the
morning I went in to see him before proceeding
downstairs; he skook hands with me cordially.
Did she disappoint you? I asked, with feigned
innocence.
My dear Clinton, she's a perfect angel, and you're a
trvimp'
Leveson came Lack the next dan, and I never got another
chance of landing Mrs. Leveson, who had fallen enceinte
by me, and presented her husband with a son and keir
nine months to the dan.
De Vaux fondly imagines the kid must be his, and I am
quite willing that he should continue to think so, but
every time Leveson compares dates he thinks of his
night's stay at Hull, shakes his head, and mutters that
its damned extraordinary, yet he wouldn't consider it
at all extraordinary if he knew as muck as we do,
reader. What do you think?
CONCERNING SIXTY-NINE OR
THE MAGIC INFLUENCE OF THE TONGUE
CHAPTER19
The (gamahuching) process should only he employed as a
preliminary and never should he permitted to go to the
extent of more than starting the tap. No woman living
is able to withstand a moist and well-trained tongue.
Even those in whom desire has long keen dead have keen
known to shriek for the relief only an erect penis can
afford.
Jack Wilton, the greatest essayist on cunt in an
analytical form who ever lived, goes further, and even
says-a judicious tongue can galvanise into life a
female corpse.
This, of course, I do not admit, but there is a well-
authenticated instance of a Somersetskire farmers wife,
who had fallen into a trance and was believed by all
her neighbours to he dead, being recalled to life
simply through the kuskand giving her fanny one last
loving lick.
It is astonishing how prevalent the habit of
gamahuching has become in England, and I would, while
touching on it, maintain that there is nothing
unnatural in it.
A tongue, soft and fleshy, fits in the vagina as though
made for it, and though it can only titillate the
clitoris, it serves the useful office of a vant-courier
to the prick. the proof, if proof were wanting, that
there is a distinct physical sympathy between the
latter and the tongue, is that in the case of syphilis
the tongue is affected almost as soon as the penis
shows signs of having made a mistake. the proof again
of its being natural to animal life is the fact that if
one carefully observes the collection in the zoo it
will he seen that when the keasts are in dalliance with
one another the male invariably licks over the vagina
of the female kef ore proceeding to business.
This is my own observation, but if my readers doubt the
statement, a run up to Regents Park and a few hours in
front of the cages will generally corroborate it. I
think to watch a man gamahuching a woman is more
exciting than to see her being absolutely poked.
I remember staying on one occasion at a hotel in
Paddington where a very pretty chambermaid showed me my
room. I had not extinguished my candle more than five
minutes before I heard a woman's voice in the next
room- Are you going to sit up reading all night?'
I couldn't for the life of me understand this, and
thought the wall must be very thin, but it arose from
the fact that some distance up the oaken partition
there was a hole, caused through a good sized knot in
the wood falling out, and although this hole had a coat
hanging in front of it, I very speedily discovered it.
It did not take me very long to remove the coat, and I
saw the welcome light gleam through. Then, standing on
a chair, I applied my eye to the hole, and saw a man
leisurely undressing, and a ladylike woman, about
thirty, with a splendid head of hair, lying quietly in
bed awaiting him.
Now, I thought, there is going to be some fun, when a
slight knock at my own door caused me to get down and
open it.
'A telegram came for you two hours ago, sir, and they
forgot to give it to you at the desk
One moment, my girl,' I said, hastily slipping on my
trousers and lighting my candle. The chambermaid was on
the point of bolting. Don't go, my girl, I said, there
may be an answer to this; wait until I read it, and
listen-then, lowering my voice to a significant whisper
-if you want to see a sight that will interest and
amuse you, get on that chair and peep through the hole.
I daren't, sir, I should lose my situation if anyone
were to know I was in a gentleman's bedroom. Ill swear
I won't harm you, I said, and I really didn't intend
to, for although the girl was a perfect little beauty,
only sixteen and a half, I had done a long railway
journey that dan, and felt knocked up.
The girl hesitated for a moment, but as sincerity was
prominent in the tones of my voice, and she was burning
with curiosity to see what was going on, she quietly
stepped into the room, and I helped her on to the
chair.
Stay, I whispered. The candle must be extinguished, or
they may see you, if they have put theirs out.
So saying I placed the room in darkness, and there was
the light streaming through the hole. Mary, for such
the soubrette called herself, immediately peeped.
For at least ten seconds she never stirred, then,
getting another chair, I placed it by the side of
Mary's and stood on it, with one arm around her waist.
What was going on in the next room I could only guess
by the palpitation of Mary's heart. At last I said, May
I peep, my dear?
Oh sir, wait a moment, I never saw such a thing in my
life, do wait a moment.
Certainly, my angel, if you wish it, I said; then
taking her hand, which was trembling all over, I gently
allowed it to rest on my prick, over which by this time
I had lost complete control.
She clutched it wildly, and passed her hand all around
the balls, then pulled the skin back, and so proved to
me in less than three seconds that her exclamation just
now might be a little bit qualified. Ok sir, she said
at length as I passed my hands up her petticoats and
found her Quim quite damp with excitement, I shall be
missed downstairs. I must he going, but I should like
to see the end of this.'
"You shall feel the end of this, I said, and that's
much more to the purpose.
So, helping her down, I lifted her neatly on my bed,
and planted it with such force that she cried out with
the pain. But, whenever I have a new thing in cunts, I
am always perfectly reckless of consequences, and so I
gave no heed to her ejaculations, but fucked her to the
bitter end.
Personally, I enjoyed it thoroughly, but I question
very much whether she did, as the next morning she came
to see me in a most disconsolate manner, and said she
was afraid she would have to go to the hospital as I
had completely split her cunt; but a tenner soon
squared that, and I would remark here that I have
introduced this incident merely to show that the sight
of a woman being gamahuched is for more exciting than
witnessing an ordinary fuck.
Had it been the latter that Mary had glanced at when
she mounted the chair, she might have felt a passing
interest, but it would have been no novelty. She would
probably have called me a dirty beast, fled the
apartment, and had a jolly good laugh over the
adventure with the cook, but being a new sensation she
was glued to the aperture, got excited, and had the
implement put in her hand to quiet her.
It is true that she was a bad judge of size, or she
might have hung back, but a split-up cunt is no great
misfortune, since once the soreness has passed away it
enables a woman to enter upon any amorous encounter
without the fear of meeting a foe too big for a fair
fight.
AN ADVENTURE AT FOLKE STONE;
THE YOUNG WIFE AND HER STEPDAUGHTER
CHAPTER 20
Generally I have not been considered a very plucky man,
but an event that occurred about this time almost
caused me to believe in my own courageous qualities. I
have since, however, in reviewing the past, come to the
conclusion that it was sheer devilry, and the mad
obliviousness of consequences which supervenes when an
excited prick will not listen to the calmer instincts
of reason.
I had run down to Folkstone for a brief holiday, and
was staying at a large kouse on the Lees. I had taken
the drawing-room floor, which consisted of the drawing-
room itself, facing the sea, a large bedroom and a
smaller one, which I used as a dressing-room.
An old general, who had recently come from India, and
who in days gone by had been accustomed to put up with
Mrs. Jordan, the landlady, applied for apartments, but
as there were only two rooms to let, and he had a young
wife and a growing daughter, it was quite impossible to
accommodate him. I learned this accidentally through
the landlady's daughter, with whom I was cultivating an
intimacy that I hoped would develop into something
sultry eventually, and immediately offered to give up
my bedroom and sleep in the dressing- room.
The general was apprised of this, and was naturally
charmed with my good nature.
A friendship was struck up over a weed, and the old
nabob, in the course of a few days, settled down with
his family, to whom he introduced me.
I did not know which to admire most. The wife, Mrs.
Martinet, was a petite blonde, with those lovely violet
eyes which change to a gray in the sunlight, just the
sort of large reflective orbs historians ascribe to
that darling Scottish queen who was fonder of a fuck
than any woman born since the dans of Bathsheeba.
The daughter, Miss Zoe Martinet, was tall and queen
like, dark with the suns of Hindustan, but with a
splendid cast of countenance, which seemed to indicate
that her Aryan mother had been one of the high caste
women of India, who had lapsed with the gay English
general when he was plain Colonel Martinet, twenty
years before, and while the Grand Gordon and the Star
of India were unknown to his breast.
The general was a confiding old fellow, but at sixty-
eight one should not trust a wife of twenty-three with
a stranger, especially when the stranger boasts a prick
which, fully extended and in form, will touch the tape
at eight inches.
Every day we went for long walks. General Martinet was
very fond of going over to the officers quarters at
Shomcliffe, but although Eva and I were frequently left
alone, her society and conversation were so
intellectual and refined that I was in a dilemma how to
open the ball.
One day, however, as she sat on the beach sewing, the
opportunity occurred.
What a lovely child, she said, as a little girl of some
three summers toddled by with a handful of flowers for
some waiting mamma.
"Yes, lovely, indeed, I said. Someday or another I hope
to have the pleasure of seeing one with your face and
eyes, and if it should be a boy I should take a delight
in him for the sake of his mother. You are very fond of
children, are you not?
Passionately, she murmured.
I thought so, I observed. I have often remarked the
absorbing interest you appear to take in babies with
their nurses on the beach. How long have you been
married? Three years -this with a sigh.
Three years, good gracious! What time you have keen
wasting.'
She looked down at her embroidery, and became very
interested in a wrong stitch.
It is too bad of the general, I continued, 'much too
bad. I don't think I should have allowed you to wait
all this time.
Mr. Clinton, what do you mean?
Do not feel angry, Eva, if you will forgive my calling
you that dear name; what I mean is this: that you are a
woman fond of children and, therefore, formed to be a
mother, and in not obeying the voice of nature and
becoming one, you are offending against the divine law
which teaches one to procreate.
I have tried, Mr. Clinton-this in a whisper, with a
deep blush- and have failed.
Say, rather, I said, now thoroughly excited, the
general has, and it is not your fault; but, my dear
girl, every man is not verging on three score and ten,
and we have not all, thank God, been desiccated on the
scorching plains of Hindustan.'
Mr. Clinton, do not tempt me!
Eva, it is your duty. If the old general were to have a
son, your future would be secured. On the other hand
what security have you that at the end of a few years
he may not die, leaving all his fortune to his half-
breed, ladylike daughter, Zoe?
That is very true,' she said, but still I don't think I
could deceive him.' Our conversation was prolonged for
another half-hour, and when I retired to rest that
night I had lovely visions, in which the landlady's
daughter, Zoe and Eva were all mixed up higgledu-
piggledu, but I had an indistinct idea when I awoke
that I had not been idle during the night, for I seemed
to remember performing on two of them, and it was only
the cold sea-water bath that brought me to my senses,
and made me lose that great lump of muscle at the
bottom of my belly, till I began to believe that I
should have had to pick it out with a pin- periwinkle
fashion.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS
ORHAPPINESS IN AN ARMCHAIR
CHAPTER 21
The general was a great gourmand, fond of sitting over
his dinner a long time. The following dan, after the
conversation related in the last chapter, he invited me
to share the repast with him, and after the meal
regaled me with long stories of his conflict with the
Sepous and other natives of India.
Why, sir, he said to me, pointing to a pair of
revolvers on the mantelpiece, Zoes mother once fell
into the hands of three vagabonds, and I shot them all
and rescued her with those very weapons. that was how
we became acquainted, and I would do as muck today, old
as I am, to any blackguard who dared insult her
daughter.
I cordially agreed with him that suck would be only a
just retribution, but I inwardly added that Zoe's cunt
would be worth running the risk for.
After this we rejoined the ladies in the drawing-room
as I had insisted on their using that apartment. After
sitting there and chatting for about half an hour the
general dozed off into a heavy sleep, and Zoe asked her
stepmother to come out for a little while.
This Mrs. Martinet declined to do, on the ground that
it was slightly chilly, so Zoe, who was a willful
specimen of womanhood, wished us au revoir and sallied
forth
I then poured out a glass of port, for Eva rather liked
that wine, and unobserved by her, dropped out of my
waistcoat phial enough Pinero Balsam to have stimulated
an anchorite.
Do have half a glass, I entreat you; it will put life
in you. I have remarked that you seemed languid today.
Well, I will just take a wee drop, said Eva, and she
half emptied the glass as she spoke.
Tour husband sleeps soundly, Eva.
Hush; don't call me that here. Yes, he always sleeps so
after dinner for a good half-hour.
I was sitting in the armchair during this colloquy; Eva
was standing by the window, and I could just reach her
skirt by leaning forward. I did so, and with both hands
gently, but with adroit force, pulled her backwards,
until she sat upon my lap.
Tor Gods sake, she whispered in an agony of dread, let
me go; if he were to wake he would kill us both.'
But he won't awake. You told me yourself he would be
sure to sleep for half an hour, and there is ample time
for what we want to do in that space. Come into my
bedroom for five minutes, my darling.'
Mr. Clinton, I dare not; think of the exposure.
I can think of nothing but this, my sweet Eva, and
suiting the action to the word, I clapped my hand upon
her lovely rosebud of a snatch-box before she had the
slightest idea that I was anywhere near it.
She proved a game girl; she didn't cry out, for that
would have meant death and damnation, but she appealed
to my good sense.
Not now,' she said imploringly, "be counselled by me;
not now, some other time.
My darling, I said, stand up for one moment. She did
so, and I instantly lifted all her clothes, having in
the meantime brought out my stiff straight cock, which
I was mortally afraid would discharge its contents
before it was properly positioned. Now sit down, dear.'
She obeyed me, and as she did so, I opened with the
thumb and finger of my left hand the delicate sprouting
lips; her arse did the rest, and I went in with a rush
that made my very marrow twitter with pleasure.
Oh God, burst from Eva's lips, this is heavenly.'
The old man turned uneasily on the couch; the back of
the armchair was turned to him, so that all he could
see was the top of Eva's head.
Is that you, Eva? said the General.
Tes, dear, replied his wife.
What are you doing, my love?
Still embroidering your new smoking cap, dear.
'Where's Clinton?
Ties gone out for a smoke, said the trembling girl.
'All right, call me in half an hour. And in less than
three minutes the dear old soldier was once more in the
Land of Nod, but during the three minutes we seemed to
have lived an a&e. I would have gladly got out of her
and sneaked away, for I could not help thinking of the
revolvers, but she had never tasted the exquisite bliss
a young mans prick can convey, and was, to use a
servant galism, rampageous for it.
She had never had a fuck before in such a position, but
women are quick to learn a lesson when sperm is to be
the prize, and in less than a minute she had wriggled
out of me more genital juice than had ever rushed up my
seminal ducts before. When she found she could draw no
more, she quietly rose and walked to the window,
leaving me to button up and vanish on tiptoe out of the
drawing-room.
THE MYSTERIOUS NOTE
AND FRENCH LETTER SEQUEL
CHAPTER 22
The reader knows my character by this time sufficiently
well to be fully aware that I did not permit a single
opportunity to escape of performing on Eva, till I
think that noting lady grew to look for it as regularly
as a cat watches for the advent of a horseflesh
purveyor.
One morning, however, I did not keep my appointment
with her as usual, for we generally went out about
midday, as I had found a quiet cowshed in a field on
the Dover Road, behind which the grass grew thick and
long, and there we were free from interruption.
There, too, if there be any truth in the general belief
that semen is a great fructifier of the soil, the grass
should grow thicker than ever by this time, for I am
sure that Eva and I had bathed it with the best essence
we possessed.
This particular morning, however, I received a note in
handwriting I did not know; the letter ran thus:
SIR
Your liaison -with Mrs. M- is known, and it depends
upon you whether it will be divulged to her husband.
Meet me near the spot you generally meet her, at two
p.m. today.
yours, ONE WHO HAS SEEN ALL
It was a woman's hand, and I was puzzled. I dropped a
few lines to Eva, saying I could not keep my
appointment with her and proceeded to the rendezvous to
find my fair anony ma. I arrived at the back of the
cowshed and turned the corner to rind to my intense
surprise Zoe standing there, in her hands a bunch of
fresh wild flowers; as she was expecting me, whereas I
had never dreamed that it was she who had sent the
note, she had me at a decided disadvantage.
Well, sir, she said, you received my communication?'
I did, I replied, and I'm sorry to think you have seen
all, for I was hoping somed.au to afford you the
novelty of examining it.
Mr. Clinton, how could you have been so wicked? my poor
old father is not far from the grave; you might have
waited until Eva had been left a widow.
If you look at me another moment with those flashing
eyes I shall do you over in the same way, my pet, I
thought.
Let us sit down and reason, Miss Martinet; you have
chosen a strange place for a serious conversation, but
it will be infinitely better for you to sit down and
then the tall grass will conceal you from view, whereas
standing up every country yokel who passes by sees us
both, puts his own construction on it, and your
reputation is irretrievably ruined.
'You are perfectly right, said Zoe. I will sit down,
especially as I note some uniforms on the road yonder,
and they might be officer friends of my father s.
Zoe sat down and put up her parasol, but the two
gentlemen she had remarked came around the head of me
road at the same time. They were two lieutenants of the
-th, at Dover, and I had been at a ball where I had
knocked up against them some little time before.
Hello! Clinton, what the devil are you-Oh, I say-a
petticoat. Well, I'm damned-aliresco, eh? under the
azure dome of heaven. Well, good hick, my boy; but give
me a pair of nice clean sheets and native nakedness.
And down the road went the pair, humming a godless tune
then had picked up in the camp before Sebastopol a few
years before.
I turned to Zoe.
What a fortunate thing you were out of sight, my dear,
I said, sitting down beside her.
Tes, it was, indeed, she said, truing with her short
skirt to conceal a shapely ankle, which, in a pair of
elegant scarlet stockings, looked simply delicious.
I know it was very rude and ungentlemanly of me, but I
could not help remarking aloud what an exquisite
tournure the stocking gave to her leg, and enquired
whether she thought the colour had anything to do with
it.
Mr. Clinton, I think we had better go, was all the
answer she gave me.
But, my dear Zoe, I thought you had brought me here to
read me a prim lecture on morality?'
Alas! she said, sighing, I could not tell on poor dear
mamma, she is so artless, and-
And I am so artful, you would say; but, my dear young
lady, I admit to having made a great mistake in
intriguing with the general's wile, I can see it now.
And I hope, she said, making a pretty bow, that you are
contrite?
Tes,' I said, I am, but shall I explain to you the
error I committed?
II it will not take too long in the telling. Well, my
mistake was in going for the wife, and not the
daughter.'
Mr. Clinton, how can you say such a thing?
Zoe, from the moment I first saw your matchless face,
your eyes burned. into my bosoms core like fire, and
now, by heaven, that we are here alone, with none but
bright Phoebus as our witness, I must-' Here commenced
a struggle in the grass, but it was of short duration.
She threatened to scream, but I hurriedly pointed out
that if she accused me of rape I could bring the two
young officers as witnesses that I had a lady with me
who was sitting on the grass apparently only waiting
for it, and besides-but all my entreaties were of no
avail. At length, growing desperate, and with a prick
on me like a bull's pizzle, I forced her legs apart,
and would have ravished her by sheer strength, had she
not whispered in my ear -
For God's sake use a French letter; I'm so afraid of
falling in the family way.
Now I never slip from home without a letter, but I hate
using them when I know the cunt is fresh and untainted
with any soupcon of forethought. The fact that the
request came from one I had supposed a virgin rather
astounded me, but I was fully equal to the occasion.
Taking one from my waistcoat pocket, and beginning to
fit it on, I said, Then you've had the root before,
Zoe.
'Yes,' she said, once, with a young captain in my pas
regiment at Allahabad, but this was when I was
seventeen. He always used them for fear of the
consequences.
By this time I had fitted it, and Zoe showed her
perfect readiness to wait patiently for the operation.
Let me have one peep, darling, I said. She laughingly
lay hack flat on her hack, and showed me a large forest
of hair, as glossy as a raven's hack and as hlack,
while heneath it I saw as neat a little guimho as one
could wish for.
Reader, do you blame me if, after seeing such a sight,
I surreptitiously pulled ofl the letter and let my John
Thomas approach his lairau nature. I should have keen
more than mortal to have refrained. Flesh is a hundred
per cent hetter than a nasty gutta-percha cover, and
although Zoe was unaware of what I had done, she showed
herself fully appreciative of my premier thrust, though
her action took me completely by surprise.
Whether it was the springiness of the soft green grass
on which we lay, I know not, but with all my experience
I cannot recall to mind any wench, even one having her
first grind, who showed such arse-power as Zoe.
The Hindu and English cross must be a good fucking
breed, I thought, but scarcely had the fleeting idea
passed through my brain than one more vigorous push
brought on the crisis of delight.
Zoe, at this point, was working her bottom with what
the Yankees would call an all-hellfire motion', when
she suddenly seemed transported with delight, and
kissing my neck, bit me in a frenzy till she actually
brought forth blood.
Much as I had enjoyed myself, this was a style of
emotion I was not enamoured of, and I screamed out with
the pain.
I had got up, leaving Zoe still lying exhausted on the
ground, when to my horror I heard a step behind me, and
before I could button up found myself confronted by Eva
I do not know why it should have been so, but although
the meteorological record for that year does not return
the weather in May as being particularly warm, I found
it at least 212 Fahrenheit on that eventful dan, in
spite of the sea breeze-so not liking tropical heat, I
returned to town. I have met Zoe in society since, but
poor Eva, alter tasting forbidden fruit, and finding it
so muck sweeter than the withered-up stuff obtainable
from her husband's orchard, went wrong again and again,
and was finally bowled in the very act-but, luckily for
the gay Lothario, the general had left those chased
revolvers at borne.
A DISAGREEABLE MISTAKE
CHAPTER 23
Not always have I had the happiness of being fortunate
in my amours. It is true that I have managed to escape
the dread late of those poor unfortunate devils whose
tools are living witness to the powers of caustic and
the lethal weapons of surgery, hut I have on occasions
keen singularly unfortunate, and as the warning voice
of my publisher tells me I have little more time or
space at my disposal, I will devote the present chapter
of this work to detailing a most unpleasant incident of
the sort which all people are more or less liable to
who go in for promiscuous intercourse to any large
extent.
My only sister, Sophy, came up to London with her
husband shortly after my return from Folkestone, and
although he was a perfect brute of a fellow, and a man
I disliked very much, I made myself as agreeable as I
could and took a furnished house for them during their
stay, near the Regent's Park.
Frank Vaughan, a young architect and a rising man, was
one I introduced them to, as my sister had brought a
friend, Miss Polly White, with her, who lived near our
old home in the country; being anxious for her to see
London, her parents had placed her under my sister's
guardian wing to do the lions of the metropolis.
Polly was an only daughter, so knowing the old people
had a good nest-egg, I thought it would be a capital
opportunity to throw Frank in her way.
I told him precisely how matters stood, and advised him
to make a match of it.
The old people are rich, I said, Taut if they object to
you on the score of money, fuck her, my boy, and that
will bring them to reason. Is she perfectly pure now?
said Frank. For to tell you the truth I haven't come
across a genuine maid, since I landed a stripling of
sixteen, nearly ten years ago. Are you sure you haven?'
Ill swear it, if you like, I returned, laughing at the
soft impeachment, loot take my advice, Frank, and win
her. Shell be worth at least forty thousand when the
old folks snuff it.
Tm on the job, said Frank; and it was easy to see from
the immaculate skirt front, the brilliant conversation,
and the great attention he paid her, that he meant
business.
One night, however, I was puzzled, for I thought Frank
was far more assiduous in his manner to my sister than
he should have been, considering that the 'nugget', for
so we had christened Polly, was present.
I could not understand it at all, and determined to
watch the development of the situation.
There was, I must tell you, an underplot to all this,
for several times I had noted that Polly's regard for
me was a trifle too warm, and once or twice in the
theatre, and in the brougham, coming home particularly,
I had felt the soft pressure of her knees, and returned
it with interest- but, to my story:
Frank proposed going to Madame Tussaud's, and as Polly
had never been, and my sister knew every model in the
show by heart, Frank suggested that he should take the
'nugget', 'unless you would like to go with us, he said
to me.
Not I, indeed, was my reply. Besides, Sissy here will
be alone, as her beautiful husband has been out all
day, and will, I suppose, return beastly drunk about
midnight. No, you go together and enjoy your little
selves. So off they went. When Polly passed me in the
hall, she gave me a peculiar look, which I utterly
failed to comprehend, and asked me to fasten her glove.
As I did so she passed a slip of paper into my hand and
when she had gone I read on it these words:
'Be in the study about nine o'clock.'
What can the little minx mean? was my first thought.
She surely wouldn't go about an intrigue in this bare-
faced fashion; she has been brought up in a demure wan.
Yet what on earth can she mean? At any rate I will do
her bidding.
Making an excuse to my sister about eight o'clock, for
I was as curious as possible to know what it could all
portend, and saying I was going out for a couple of
hours, I slammed the hall door behind me, and then
quietly crept upstairs to the study.
I found it in darkness, but knowing where the couch was
situated, at the far end of the room, I made for it,
and I must confess the solitude, the darkness and a
good dinner, all combined, made me forget curiosity,
Polly, the warning note and everything else, and in
less than five minutes I was fast asleep.
I was awakened by a scented hand I knew was a woman's
touching my face and a low voice whispered in my ear-
You are here then; I never heard you come in.
Damn it, I thought, it's an intrigue after all; but
she's too tall for Polly. Oh, I see it all, she's our
prim landlady (who retained one room in the house, and
was, I knew, nuts upon my brother-in-law). Polly found
out about it, and set me on the track, so without
saying a word I laid her unresistingly on the couch,
and in a few seconds was busy.
I could not help thinking while wiring in that she
displayed much vigour for one of her years, since I
judged the lady to be at least forty- five, but her
ardour only made me the more fervent, and at the end of
a long series of skirmishes the real hot short work
began.
It would he impossible. He to express my horror at this
moment when my hand came in contact with a cross she
was wearing around her neck, and I found that it was my
own sister I was rogering.
I had, unluckily, got to that point where no man or
woman could cease firing, but the worst part of the
damned unfortunate affair was that I burst out with an
ejaculation of dismay and she recognised my voice. The
situation was terrible.
Good God! I said. Sophy, how on earth has this come
about?'
Then, sobbingly, she told me that her husband had
abstained from her for more than two years because he
had contracted a chronic gonorrhoeic disorder and that
Vaughan had won her over to make this rendezvous, and
had intended letting Polly be shown through Tussaud's
by a friend he had arranged to meet there. 'But,' she
added, "how was it I found you here? This I dared not
tell her, as it was now evident that Polly was aware of
the assignation, and to let my sister know-that would
have been death.
Poor girl, she was sufficiently punished for her
frailty, and Polly, who had caught a few words of the
appointment, was sufficiently revenged.
REFLECTIONS ON AULD LANG SYNE',
HAPPY MEETINGS, AND CONCLUSION
CHAPTER 24
Fifteen years have now elapsed since I scribbled the
former part of my experiences. Times are sadly altered
with my best friend now, and I am rapidly approaching
the time when all may prove vanity and vexation of
spirit, for although I still carry a most formidable
outward and visible sign, the inward and spiritual
grace so necessary to please the ladies is now almost
dormant in my fucked-out nature.
Years ago I remember how I looked with something like
contempt upon the art and science of flagellation as
dilated upon by Monsignor Peter; now I am quite
converted to his theory.
A most fortunate recontre has been the means of this
conversion; lately sauntering down Regent Street,
thinking of the time when I used to do three or four
pretty demi-mondes in a day ~
Ah, Gerty, do you know him, too? in an ever to be
remembered voice caused me suddenly to turn and
confront the speaker, who proved to be none other than
Airs Leveson, looking almost as lovely as ever, and
incomprehensively in the company of my old flame Gerty,
of the Temple. This was a delightful renewal of old
acquaintanceships, and a very few explanations let me
thoroughly into the situation.
Leveson had been dead several years, leaving his wife
sole guardian of their son (my son, she assured me in a
loving whisper. Tie is now eighteen-never can I forget
the night you made him for me),
Gerty had been persuaded by Airs Leveson to give up her
dressmaking business, and live with her as a kind of
companion housekeeper, the formers Sapphic tastes
having attached her to the voluptuous Airs L, who
discovered it from Gerry's remarks on the women of the
day in Paris, who prefer their own sex as lovers and
care very little for the attentions of men. My son is
abroad with his tutor, will you, Mr. Clinton, come home
to dinner, and spend the evening at our quiet little
town house? James is suck a rake-just like his father-I
don't mean Mr. Leveson, poor dear, he was rather too
good, and never made a baby for me or anuone else.
Gerty knows all about it, but your name was never
mentioned, and now I suppose you are the Temple student
who seduced her with finery, and took advantage of her
young inexperience, although she never mentioned you?
Heally, this is most charming, but, my dear ladies, I
can only accept if you promise we shall be a happy
family -free from jealousy.
Make yourself easy, dear Mr. Clinton; as to that,
everything is common between us in thought, word and
deed; in feet, with our dearest friend, Lady Twisser,
we are three loving communists, each ones secrets as
sacred as if our own!'
Lady Fanny Twisser, who was separated from her husband
because he couldn't believe his dildo was the father of
her boy! I exclaimed.
Good God, Mr. Clinton, there you are again; you must be
a universal iather. Now Im sure its you who did that
service for dear Fanny, and well wire to her at once to
come and join our dinner party.
Highly elated they conducted me to their carriage,
which was waiting outside Lewis and Allenby s, and we
soon reached Mrs. Leveson's house in Cromwell Road,
South Kensington.
Gerty showed me to a room to prepare for dinner, and it
was arranged we should have a real love seance after
the servants had gone to bed. At dinner I saw Lady
Fanny, who met me with a most fervent embrace, assuring
me, with tears in her eyes, that I was the source of
the only happiness she had had in her life (ker son,
now at Oxford).
All through dinner, and long after while we sat on over
dessert talking of old times, I felt as proud as a
barn-door cock with three favourite kens, all glowing
with love and anxious for his attentions; the ardent
glances of lovely Mrs. Leveson told too plainly the
force of her luscious recollections, while Lady Fanny,
who sat by my, side, every now and then caressed my
prick under the table, eliciting a slight throbbing in
response to her touches.
At length coffee was brought in, and the servants told
to go to bed.
At last! sighed our hostess, springing up and throwing
her arms around my neck, I have a chance to kiss the
father of my boy; what terrible restraint I have had to
use before the servants. Dear James, you belong to us
all, we all want the consolation of that grand
practitioner of -yours; have which of us you please
first; there's no jealousy!
'But, darling loves, how can I do you all? I'm not the
man I was some years ago!
Trust in Gerry's science, for she let us into the
Pinero Balsam secret, and we have a little of it in the
house for occasions when it might be wanted. It's very
curious how you ruined the morals of both Fanny and
myself, two such paragons of virtue as it were; we
could never forget the lessons of love you taught us,
and, now we are both widows, with dear Gerty here, we
do enjoy ourselves on the quiet. Fanny's boy has me,
and thinks it is an awfully delicious and secret
liaison; my James returns the kindness to my love's
mother; while dear abandoned Gerty is only satisfied
sometimes by having both with her at once, yet neither
of them ever divulges their amour with Fanny and
myself. And now, how is the dear jewel?
You surely don't require the balsam to start with, she
said, taking out my staff of life, and kissing it
rapturously. Lady Fanny did the same, and was followed
by Gerty, whose ravishing manner of gamahuching me
recalled so vividly my first seduction of her in the
Temple. She would have racked me off, but I restrained
myself, and requested them to peel to the buff, setting
them the example, my cock never for a moment losing his
fine erection. Having placed an eider-down guilt and
some pillows on the hearthrug, they ranged themselves
in front of me in all their naked glories, like the
goddesses before Paris disputing for the apple. Catch
which you can, theu exclaimed, laughing, and began
capering around me.
I dashed towards Airs Leveson, but tumbled over one of
the pillows, getting my bottom most unmercifully
slapped before I could recover myself. My blood tingled
from head to foot. I was made to be into one of those
luscious loving women, and in a moment or two caught
and pulled down Fanny on top of me; the other two at
once settled her, a la St George, and held my prick
till she was fairly impaled on it. Theu then stretched
themselves at full length on either side, kissing me
ardently, while their busy fingers played with prick
and balls, and the darling Fanny got quickly into her
stride and rode me with the same fire and dash which
characterised her first performance on her brother's
bed in the Temple.
My hands were well employed frigging the creamy cunts
of Mrs. Leveson and Gerty-what a fuck, how my prick
swelled in his agony of delight, as I shot the hot
boiling sperm right up to Fanny's heart, and she
deluged me in return with the essence of her life as
she fell forward with a scream of delight. Her tightly
nipping cunt held me enraptured by its loving
contractions, but at the suggestion of Gerty she gently
rolled herself aside and allowed me to mount the
darling Leveson before I lost my stiffness.
What a deep-drawn sigh of delight my fresh fuckstress
gave, as she heaved up her buttocks and felt my charger
rush up to the very extremes of her burning sheath.
Let me have the very uttermost bit of it! Keep him up
to his work, Gerty, darling, she exclaimed excitedly,
then gluing her lips to mine she seemed as if she would
suck my very life away. A smart, tingling, swish-swish
on my rump now aroused me to the fact that both Fanny
and Gerty had taken in hand the flagellation and,
gradually putting more force in their cuts, they raised
such a storm of lustful heat that I fucked dear Mrs.
Leveson till we both lost consciousness for a time in
an ecstatic agony of bliss and when we recovered
ourselves declared that no such exquisite sensations
had ever before so completely overwhelmed either of us.
Such was the power of the rod to invigorate me that
Gerty soon had her cunt as well stuffed as the others
had been by my grand prick, which seemed to be bigger
and stiffer than ever.
This loving seance was kept up into the small hours of
the morning before I could think of tearing myself from
their seductive delights; but I now often join this
community of love in the Cromwell Road and no pen can
by any possibility adequately describe the delights we
manage to enjoy under the influence of the birch.
The End
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than
a trusted partner. 4-million people around the world
contract HIV every year. You only have one body per
lifetime, so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kristen's collection - Directory 58